I've been strong for too long, I finally lost it. I really wish sometimes people would care for me. Caring for someone doesn't need to be taught/ told to. When will someone finally genuinely care for me? I'm always alone. People that I hang out with, never ever fucking cared about my own well-being. Yes, I know I come off strong all the time. But that doesn't mean I have got no fucking feelings. I want to be cared for too. I hate how people let it go when I say I'm fine. Sometimes I just want you to care enough to notice that I'm not fucking fine at all. It's funny how a smile fools everyone all the time. Do I have to cry and slit and hurt myself so that I'd get care and attention? No I don't fucking want that, I need people to realize I'm not fucking fine and to reassure me that it'll be okay. I'm strong, only because I have no other choice but to be strong. My past made me a bitter person now and all I ever do now is keep things to myself. I became a gloomy person whenever I'm alone because that's when all the thoughts and hurt come back haunting me. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. And I probably have it easy as compared to other people. But that doesn't mean I can't have feelings or that I can't feel hurt. What's worse is, I hate feeling like I'm indebted to motherfucking anyone. WHY THE FUCK MUST I TOLERATE THIS? Well maybe because I love you. I hate how people call me to do something for them when I'm not even feeling fine to look after another. Like why don't I ever get those kind of love? Why don't I ever get those attention? Is it because I don't let my feelings show easily and cry over every fucking thing in front of you? I really hate being used... Ugh. I want to feel better. I want to be able to open up to someone. I thought I could confide into my BFF. He left anyway, he's just one person that never remembers me. Well, like everyone else that is. I hate how I'm always the one thinking and considering about other's feelings when people don't ever give a fuck to what I'm feeling. Some people fucking insult me and I take it, because I know they probably didn't mean it or know that I can take jokes. But sometimes, or rather most of the times, it hurts you know? Just because I laugh it off doesn't mean I don't feel anything. Just because I can take jokes, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt at all. It fucking does FYI. I probably only got myself to blame for being such a loner now. Being such a fool in the past and having my past passed around like I'm dead. Feeling like I'm nothing. I hate how academics never bring me down but relationships does. I hate how a broken friendship could lead me to crying over and over again when they probably don't give a fuck. I hate how I'm always paranoid and always fucking up my emotions. I absolutely dislike being taken for granted. Even though they always say to cherish before it's gone, no difference would be made to anyone even if I died now. No one fucking cares about what I feel. So what's the point of me living here? To survive high school and start having more problems piled up for me? Fuck this shit. I really need a get away. I want to fucking leave this town. Well, I don't know what happened but I totally lost it today. After holding it in for so long, I finally did. I hope I'm fine, after all, I can't tell if my smile is just a mask or a genuine one anymore. It's just scary how things turn out to be. I need people to need me. I want to be cared for too. Or am I not privileged to since I'm always fine in the end?
Fuck this shit.
I'm done.
Because, I'll stay strong, for myself. Like I always do. Even if it kills me sometimes.
Screamed into my pillow a few times and man that sure helped.
Bye. If there's anyone out there. xx.
