Dear diary,

Now I question myself if I like LB. I am so afraid to fall for someone and invest my emotions and feelings into a relationship again. It's such a tiring process. I know it should not be. It is supposed to be a fun and happy process. But after so many failed attempts at sustaining a relationship, you become so scared to lose something which doesn't come by easily that you rather not touch it.

Sighpie. The conversations with him during the first week were so enjoyable. He's really cute. Until he went away for his intense training with limited wifi which explains the slow texting, I lost that momentum. And now, I just feel so scared to talk to him again. Dear diary, why am I such a wuss :( looking at his fb profile, the people that he is surrounded with, I can't help but to feel insufficient. I need that courage :|

AHHHHHH. Annoyed by my own lack of confidence. Weiling ah Weiling.. Can you just do it man. Man up!!! Think of it as you don't really have anything to lose. "We can try."

Weiling

Dear diary,

It's been years! Anyway, I am so excited to say that.. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY. Well, there's actually nothing going on between us yet. But at least we are chatting. He's really cute. Positive vibe and all. Unlike the past where I have always fallen for guys whom I have chemistry with, that something more like what I have always said, now I believe that there is something else that is as equally important to me which I have always overlooked - and that is, someone who can bring out the best in me. AHHH. I haven't had such googoogaga feeling over someone for years already. I hope something comes out of it!! Though I haven't actually really met him (only once, and that's like 6 months ago), I am actually missing him. Well, I guess it really doesn't take two people to be in the same part of the world to connect.

On a side note, I am really over B. Erm this new guy's name actually starts with B. But just to be consistent, new guy will be called LB, and B will remain as Ivan. So anyway, I still hope to reach out to B. I really want to prove to him that despite past romantic complications, a guy and a girl can still be friends, and that my friendship with him is for real, not just any that comes and goes out of convenience. Sigh. People might say that things have changed, so why still bother when he doesn't seem to care. But somehow, I just feel a special connection with him, and this doesn't have to be romantic. I really don't know how to explain this. I might have a soft spot for him I guess. Like how I have a thing for broken people. Sigh. During the bbq, I got to know that he did show actions that he cares. But why did he sound so reluctant and uncomfortable when I texted and asked for a meetup? Is it because he is afraid that I am still carrying hopes of something romantic which he doesn't want me to and so he is avoiding me? Or is it that he just doesn't want to face all these complications like lingering feelings of confusion and unhappiness because it will be another mental torture again? I really really hope he opens up. I still care for him as a person but I don't want to be forceful about it. But I will not give up. I will continue to write the letter book to him.

So anyway, recently I have been trying to describe and associate adjectives with guys in my life that I've liked/like. Pretty interesting. Here we go.

1) Shengyu - Super sweet/caring, fun, smart/all rounded
2) Matthew - Simple, happy, cute, sensitive, fun and cheeky
3) Aylwin - Chemistry, cute, sensitive, fun and cheeky
4) Elisha - Simple, sweet, cute
5) Ivan - Super sweet/caring, ultra chemistry, sensitive, fun and cheeky, real (though limited to situations)
6) LB (up to date) - Positive, inspiring, happy, simple, cute, fun and cheeky, smart/all rounded, real

I miss LB though. I can't wait to meet him in person (not like there are already arrangements to. I am just hoping for one because of our conversations that are suggestive of it.). But that girl that keeps tagging him and said that she missed him in one of the posts.. :( make it sound like they are so close. To add on, drumming is like an additional similarity and interest that they share :( I am scared :( that he is already "taken". Diary, please bless me.

Weiling

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner! yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir" "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love or like someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family,
for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

Fight For You

Repost: Tammy http://ohsofickle.blogspot.sg/2013/09/fight-for-you.html

Fight For You

Let me clear the million thoughts i have in my head before i finish up my work cus i can't seem to concentrate and focus with so much on my mind right now and i am thankful i have this space.

I am so different from most girls and sometimes it's just scary. I can give great advices but i can never follow my own advices cus i function so differently from most of my girl friends.

Ok so as you all know, i'm now....single. It is tough accepting the fact and i still refuse to accept the fact because i still love him but well, i am. It does suck and when i go through such a period, i tend to do a lot of self-reflections. 

There are many reasons to break ups and the most common thing is Cheating so when i told people that i'm Single, most people assumed it was that but no, THANKFULLY not. It was more like i got my priorities wrong and neglected his feelings. Which i regret and i've never really felt this regretful in my life. I realized i've gone through about 3 break ups, most of it i have blogged about before and most of ya'll would know who i was with before if ya'll followed my blog since i first started. Makes me look terrible because i don't know any other blogger with that many break up stories? Lol. Then again, none of my break up was that bad since i'm friends with all my ex-boyfriends. Wouldn't say close friends but we say Hi Bye and i would like to believe despite it all we still do care for each other from afar. Most people tell me it's impossible to be friends with exes, but whoa.....i am? Which makes me wonder...WTH WHY?

Reason how most of my relationships ended is because i'm Egoistic & Prideful. Such a guys thing right? But sadly, the truth is that i am and i only realized how bad it is now. Looking back at my past failed relationships, i realized one thing i never did, i have never "fought for what i really wanted". I always put on an act. I always acted like i was happy, i was living a happier life. So when the guy i've just broken up with sees it, he would think this way "Oh, since she's happier without me. i shall not bother her and move on then".  Then the guy i love moves on, then i start to feel sad and cry like F and start going crazy and saying how they didn't love me enough that's why. I would hate the girl, hate whoever who goes near him. It's stupid because i had all the time in the world to text him and give in when he wanted me but i didn't. It's like despite them begging for me to forgive them and all, my stupid pride didn't allow me to forgive them that easily. I expected them to start chasing and proving themselves. I expected things to turn out like in the movies - flowers at my doorstep....shit like that. 

Most of the time when my friend goes through such a break up, i'd tell them "fight for it...don't give up!". But what the hell..... i have never fought for it, i always put on a show and appeared very "strong". Because i'm prideful as a girlfriend, i never wanted to look pathetic in front of him. I never wanted to go knocking on his door in tears, i never wanted to send him drunk texts telling him how much i loved him even when i did. This Pride KILLED IT ALL. Made me lose people i love. Which is why i say, i am so Different from everyone - most girls. I don't love my boyfriend less than they do, deep down i know i don't! But i think people assume i don't love him enough because of how "strong" and "okay" i appear after a break up. I find it so difficult to share my problems with my friends because my mind just works so differently from them. Also, my friends do give advices but i never listen, not because i think it's bad advices but i always want to do things my way so if anything fucks up, i have no one to blame but me. And you know what, i always do things the wrong way. 

Because i realize this is killing all my relationships, i really want to make a change in myself. I don't want to put on this act anymore. I don't want to act tough in front of him, i don't want to act like i can get a better guy and i didn't need him. I want to fight for the person i really love. Even if i look pathetic and sad, at least for once i can say, I Fought For Someone.

I no longer want to be that f-king prideful bitch.

"When you make decisions, follow your heart and not your mind. For if your mind’s decision fails, you regret. But if your heart fails, you just smile and say, “Nice try.”"

Dear diary,

It's been a 4 months since that incident happened. Even though I might seem perfectly alright, living each day as it is, I can't deny that this issue has been boggling my mind since forever.

I don't even know what I want. I have been asking myself this question. Why is it that it still bothers me? And I can't seem to find an answer to it. He is the only person that has known me so well. Everytime my colleagues comment on something that they think describes me totally, I would put up a smile and laugh along. But deep down, I am the exact opposite. I can't even say that my best friend SW knows me as well as he does (or did). And this is that one reason why he is still so special to me.

The precious past that we shared seems like long forgotten history. And I feel nothing even if each time I looked at our photos, or even at the special swing box that he made for me. I felt nothing even as I saw him at the gathering a few weeks ago. I don't know if it's suppressed feelings, or is it that I am long ago over it. But as much as I no longer feel any sense of attachment towards him, I do miss him. Or rather, I do miss us. How can that be? The worst thing is that, we haven't done anything wrong to become the state we are today, have we? I don't want to analyse anything anymore. I want to feel. Everytime I tell myself maybe I should just let go, I pull back. I can't bear to. What should I do?

There You'll Be - Faith Hill
When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life

When I look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be

Well you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be

'Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me
(You were right there for me)
You were right there for me
For always

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life

I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be
There you'll be