Dear diary,

So much has happened. It's been more than a month since that incident with B happened. Btw did I not mention that the potentially potential talk ended up nasty? Well, I don't really know how and why it turned out this way. But just know that perhaps we were never meant for each other.

I don't know what kind of misunderstandings we had, but the state we are in now, is almost equivalent to having lost each other.

And during this period, sometimes I missed him so much. You know how many times I felt the temptation to pick up my phone and dial his number? I miss that source of support. I miss that voice that never fails to give me comfort whenever I needed it. I miss that warm face. I miss that warm touch. I miss that never ending telephone calls, the "must be your fat cheeks that pressed the end call button right", the "you put down first, no you put down first", and the "creak creak" unawkward awkward silence. But I knew I had to keep that to myself because I don't know how comfortable he is with me, I don't want to pressurize him. I wish so much that I can still be there for him, and for him to be there for me. How I wish that closeness would last forever. But everyone knows that forever is an impossible. Well, now whenever I needed to feel his presence, I look at and think about the starry box. That symbol of his love and care which had to go. Dammit. I hate this. Im fighting so hard against gravity for those tears to not trickle down.

Apparently, he isn't the right one for me. I know it. And I accept it. It's just that, I still miss him as a person, not a status. It's strange because I don't even remember what memorable incidences we had exactly, or what we shared together, but the feeling of attachment to him is still around.

Sigh. Do we really have to end up being strangers even if we didn't end up together romantically? I need you. I need you so much. Even if we were not together, you mean so much to me. Sometimes I wonder why. I don't even know. But having you around gives me so much comfort that nobody else can. But apparently, you can't be there for me. And I really know and accept that this is not what I want in a relationship and in my future. But I just miss you so much. All I want to be happy is for us to not lose each other, for us to be the most open and frank with each other. I wouldn't even mind us having a partner of our own that will give us the right happiness. I just don't want to lose you, do you understand? It's not because I still have feelings for you, but because your presence in my life means too much to me.

I wonder if you are doing okay. And I apologize for not being able to face you too (though you may not be ready to face me either). Just hope you will find peace and be happy. It really pains me to see how you're unwilling to believe in and let love in. You seemed so happy when you were receptive. Why did you have to shun away and put up all that coldness, oh and there's the gifting when logic hit you?

The fact that now sis is attached, I'd only see her 3 times per day and sometimes I feel so lonely. But Im really happy 

Had such a bad day at work today. Feeling so sucky. Wished I could dial your number right now and indulge myself in that warm comfort that your voice never fails to bring. That voice that puts a smile to my face and heart before I turn in. But I know I can't. I can't be selfish. So I gotta be strong. I gotta be strong, myself.

OMG diary. OMG. I actually looked for B yesterday, and told him about my feelings. Like after knowing him for 3 years. And it all turned out to be so good. I mean, I can't say for sure the outcome is gonna be how I imagine it to be (that is, being together with him), but I am almost all confident that he feels something for me.

Right, I shall begin with the story. So, I met him up last Saturday, and I felt so lucky because the rest couldn't make it for our gathering, that was why I had the chance to meet him up alone. It's really hard to meet up with him because it's either him or me who is busy. And the feeling I had was just, amazing. I thought after not talking to or even seeing him for ages, we wouldn't be as close as we were. I was even regretting my decision to ask him out before I met him because I was dead beat. But when we met, this thought just seemed silly because everything just fell right into place. That gaze, touch, voice, and just that vibe. It made me feel like I'd known them for millions of years. They were just, so familiar.

He made me laugh, as always. And whenever he is around, I am so comfortable. That tearing down of my skepticism, that falling into his "embrace", that comfort.. they are just indescribable. Everything that we say, they just fall into place. And the best thing is that, they didn't even require any conscious effort. I really love this. Really. I have never experienced such comfort and happiness with anyone I've met. And Idk how to convince him of this. Especially when I'm someone who isn't really that proficient in my vocab. But I can feel it. He gives me this feeling that nobody else can.

So yup, he was so so sweet on that day. Firstly, he said that it was impossible for him to not wear a cap out if he doesn't style his hair. But when he appeared, he did so with unstyled hair. And when I asked, he said this. "Because you said don't style my hair." Goodness. MY HEART MELTED. And he invited me up to his place to get the korean stuff that he got for the group. So I went (I was the one who wanted to get the stuff though). But the thought of inviting me up to his place, ending up in his room, was so intimate. I wished I could've stayed but I had to meet a biker guy for supper. And while I was there, we were disturbing each other as usual, all the tickling and teasing. It just felt like who was this person who made me SO IN LOVE. When he took out a book with cats on the cover, my heart melted for the hundredth time. He told me that he got an additional present just for me only. Dear diary, how can anyone be such a sweet little thing. At that instant, I thought, I could just hug him till forever.

And most importantly, how agitated he was when he I refused to show him how the biker guy looked.. It was just cute. He even said that he wanted to spy on him and I if I refused to show it to him, and that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I hadn't shown it to him (which I didn't eventually anyway haha. Told him it was meaningless but he just got so agitated still. In fact, I just didn't wanna show it to him because I thought he was better looking anyway and I didn't see much significance in the biker guy anyway.)

Right, so that day was simply amazing. With him by my side, I felt like I could do just anything (okay not literally anything but I can totally be a pampered little girl and let my guards down) because I know I am protected with him around. I feel safe. I feel doted on. I feel loved.

So anyway, I began that little obsession over him. Everyday since last Saturday, every moment he was on my mind. Okay this sounds creepy but I was just thinking about us, like seriously thinking. In the past I might have been thinking a lot too (sometimes overly thinking), but I just feel like this time round I've matured? I don't just ruminate, but I consider action options seriously. So, I knew I had to do something. Like seriously finally not just talk but DO IT. If I'd wanted him, I have to step up. How can I ever let someone so amazing go? I will never forgive myself if I'd let him go. Especially when I met up with a friend of mine who used to like me back in the poly days, and also when husky texted me all over again (with all his trying so hard to impress intentions), the more I feel turned off and the more I feel the strong attraction towards B. The presence of the other guys just drew me closer to B. So I finally mustered all that courage, and decided to meet him no matter what. I KNEW, I HAD TO LET HIM KNOW. I had to open up myself for this amazing man. This keeper. Even if I was gonna be heartbroken eventually, I had to tell him my feelings. I had to try.

So, I managed to meet him eventually. And indeed, as the famous quote goes, "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it - Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo", okay maybe not promise, but at least it is worth a try. But lucky me, the outcome seemed good.

Oh god. He was so shy. That moment when I said it, it was like.. BREAKTHROUGH. I had never felt that sense of relief before. It was like that sort of liberation when you jump down from a cliff or something. Not like I'd experienced cliff jumping before, but it's just what I imagine it to be for most people. My stomach was like exploding with butterflies, flying at insane speed. And just within that 20 seconds, I did it. I was so proud of myself. Anyway, that blurted out response from him was totally cute. Because I said that I met up with my poly guy friend who used to like me and had asked me if it was possible for us to be together but whom I rejected, with the explanation that I was looking for something more, and that though I have zero idea what that "more" was, but I could see that "more" in him, he blurted out, "so are you saying that you like me?" in that shocked and is-this-true look. Haha. I didn't say it straight though. In fact, I had this dilemma in me. I can't believe after all that mind killing thinking about my feelings for him, I couldn't say that I like him. There was still a sense of hesitance in me. Oh god I just wanna slap myself. I thought I was so clear of my feelings, I had never expected that hesitance. So I said it in a way that the more the other guys acted, the more I feel the urge to compare him and them, and the more I am aware of how comfortable he makes me feel, and that the "more" I was looking for has always been around me.

Haha. So anyway, he turned away. He said "I'm so shy". Hahaha. Oh god, kill me. That look and that comment, were just too cute. I couldn't stop laughing. His ears turned red like tomatoes. And after all that imagined him-pinching-omg-this-is-real thing that was playing in my mind, we came back to reality. And we talked about it. I could sense that he was so filled with insecurities. SO MUCH OF IT. Such that he keeps questioning my "feelings".

"Is it because you keep comparing us, that's why you think I am better? But these may not be feelings of liking, it's just better than the rest, so if there was someone else whom you think is better than me, you won't like me anymore."

"Is it because you've known me for so long already, that is why you feel most comfortable with me? (so it might not be feelings for him but because he's a convenient source of comfort)"

"Is it because I'm easy and a more viable option now? (I commented not to use the word option because it would seem like there are hundreds and thousands of that. And to my amazement, he said that it's true that I have lots of other guys around me as my options)"

"Is it because I have always been there for you and been through tough times with you (being around for me during my down times with E) that's why you feel comfortable? So if you had such opportunities with others, you might "like" them too. (meaning I have no basis for comparison to make sure that I really like him and it's not just simply because he has been through those with me that's why I claim to like him)" He even said that he thinks he's the only one who has gone through such times with me.

"But you still go out with other guys. So I have never thought that you would have such thoughts about me. If you had more opportunities with other guys, would you have preferred to know them better and might take an interest in them subsequently?"

"Is it because I do a lot of sweet things for you? (suggesting that he's making sure I wasn't confusing gratitude with feelings for him?)"

(In the context of Cheryl wanting to introduce her friend to me) "So were you interested in that guy that Cheryl wanted to introduce to you?"

HE NEVER STOPPED QUESTIONING. Now you see why I say he has so much insecurities. But I can totally understand where he is coming from. He doesn't wanna step into something that he thinks he might very possibly end up getting hurt and regret his decision. Especially when he is one who has trust issues, issues of letting go, and a super high level of vulnerability to being "abandoned". I understand, I really do. That was why I was also trying my best to reassure him, to convince him that my feelings are true. But when he asked about feelings feelings, (cos according to him, we were using logic to analyze things for the first half of the conversation), he asked "so how do you feel towards me?", I hesitated. I didn't know how to respond to that. But thinking of it now, I wonder if my hesitance was due to the subconscious uncertainty within me, or was it simply because I am not one who expresses well with words. GAH I know I'm going in circles and not saying any focus here, but I just wanna jot down everything so that I will not forget any of these small little details that mean so much to me.

So anyway, I had this adrenaline which made me keep touching his face. And he didn't seem to not like it. In fact, he let me do it, without showing acts of resisting. Idk. I just felt like he was enjoying it. That built up romance. And there was this moment when he was showing me something on his phone, he was actually holding his phone while I held on to it too. So it was like me holding onto his hand which was holding on to his phone. And he didn't let go of his phone. He could've let go of it and let me hold on to it on my own since I already drawn it to my side. But he didn't. He allowed me to hold on to his hand holding the phone.

And when it was my turn to ask him about his thoughts and feelings, he didn't exactly tell me about any feelings because gah he's just an overly self protective, guarded, and careful person. And apparently, he said he needs time to think and give these a serious thought before saying anything. But I was already contented. Because he told me that he feels at ease and comfortable around me and that it is good. He said he doesn't have to worry about how I think about him (meaning he can let go of most guard put up and be himself) because he doesn't have to think about having nothing to say with me. You can just imagine how happy I felt when I heard that (although I also told him that I kinda already know about that haha. Some self praise here but I don't care haha). The entire conversation was just.. receptive? And so potentially potential.

Apparently, to him, he said he's always thought that we were just friends, and never really thought about us being more than that, because I have never shown any signs of liking him. Idk how true that is, but yeah shall give him the benefit of doubt. But on another hand, isn't it obvious enough that I take a certain extent of interest in him when I do sweet things for him too? Well, maybe unless he sees it as I do that to everyone. And I'm saying this is because he said I will say "i miss you" to everyone when I used that as a judgment to determine that I like him (other than being affected when he refused to talk to me when he was sorta angry with me over husky). So to him, he thinks that I say imy to everyone else so it isn't special. And he prolly thinks that I do such sweet things to everyone too? Might be true. But oh well, I knew the imy I say to him obviously means more. So I told him that when I say that to others, I simply say it flatly; but when I say it to him, I feel shy. And thankfully, he took that.

But we haven't had much conclusions yet. And he asked me to go back and think about my feelings for him, as he would, because according to him, he thinks such things shouldn't be said or acted in a rush because they would be inaccurate (might be due to adrenaline rush? so we over exaggerate our feelings or thoughts?). So here I am, thinking about it. I don't really wanna overthink though. I just know that I will never forgive myself if I'd allowed myself to let him go.

Oh yes, and he actually texted to ask if I was home yesterday. And I thought, he wouldn't do that usually, and it felt really sweet for him to have done that because it just makes me feel like he was trying.

Well, it was a potentially good talk. So as much as I am confident that he takes an interest in me, I have my fair share of fear as well, that he might not be courageous enough to try stepping into something so major to him (rs to him seems like something that will last through eternity kinda thing), or that he would say something like actually he doesn't really like me afterall and that all those shyness and enjoying moments with me were all exaggerated. Because I also know that he isn't one who can just be together with someone just because that someone has feelings for him (as evidenced by how a girl once confessed to him and he tried to behave like they were dating by walking her home and being romantic, but he said he just couldn't do it because he didn't feel anything for her). I do fear this too. But and again, he also seems to be someone who "doesn't mind trying". So yeah, I just hope that he would really give us a chance, because I see lots of potentially beautiful things we could share. AHH but and again, he said before that I am too precious to lose (so he wouldn't date me because he didn't wanna risk losing someone so great due to a breakup. And he didn't mind trying out with that girl because he didn't mind losing her. Doesn't make sense to me but oh well). But that was like 2 years ago though and I feel like he's changed to be more positive and mature cos he's already stopped saying that a relationship is bound to end up in breakups. I also fear that his level of confidence is still really low, so even if he likes me, he might not think that he is capable of being a good boyfriend to me (he is one with an overly high sense of responsibility). So many fears. But I still choose to hold on to my belief and faith in him.

Okay so finally, to sum up, I'm just gonna wait for him to get to me. And I hope with my all my heart, that he will be willing to give this a shot. I hope that since I was the first girl that he can talk to, likewise, I would be able to be that different girl, who is able to let him believe in love all over again, and mend that broken heart. I know I lose motivation easily and I really wanna smack myself for that, but he is special. And he is worth every of my effort to keep. With that said, I hope these 3 years of brain wrecking and mind torturing thinking would all be worth it.

GAHH. It still feels so surreal.

Feauturing my favourite place in Sg. And it holds so so much memories for me.

1) Aylwin

NDP. Those saturday nights after NDP trainings at the floating platform were unforgettable. It was like a romantic fairytale. Getting so stupidly excited and my heart exploding whenever I hear their music or people dressed in their costume pass by us at the floating platform. Those hugs and kisses.. at marina square, and those nights we were so crazily addicted to each other's presence that we missed our last transport. I will never forget them. Haha my first ever rs. Those days were so awesome. Young, innocent, and just.. happily in love. Those were the days, haha. And bumping onto him at the same place years later at a friend's POP, just felt nice. The romantic feeling is no longer present. But it just felt good to see someone you were once so close to. The rooftop bar at esplanade too. Where I joined he and his friends when we were still not together, and where I passed him the chip and dale stamp, and he passed me the wooden piggy keychain :)

2) Adrian

So much endless fun and adventure. Prolly the best treating me guy ever. I feared nothing and worried nothing when I was around him. Thinking back, those carefree days of fun hanging out randomly were one of the happiest moments I had. The Sg flyer, popeyes, max brenner, gardens by the bay before it was built.. He took care of me like I was a little girl. And I just had to be there and enjoy. He did all the planning, brought me to interesting places, and fed me with good and expensive food all the time, showering me with so much love. I was so pampered, and I had so much fun experience. Such a pity that to me, i could only treat him like a loving older brother.

3) Elisha

Haha. Shortest romance ever. Well, it was indeed a romantic experience with him. The F1 pit. When he asked me to be his girlfriend. Unforgettable. Though things didn't end quite well with him, i will always remember the good times we had much more than the bad ones. Yup, he was such a sweetie. I'll always remember that night at the F1 pit. I didn't complete my ESL but still came out to meet him. I leaned beside him while we sat along the river just infront of the flyer, and we chit chatted and had much laughter. I could just get lost in his voice whenever he sang. That gentle voice yet with so much swag. And yup. That look he had when he plucked up so much courage to ask me that question, and all that shyness, i fell in love. And butterfact. That night when I could let my hair and that control freak that i was down, and became such a passionate and affectionate person to him. It felt good. Thankful I still have that photograph of us for memory sake. It's not that I am holding on, it's just that I like to remember the sweet times and things I've experienced before. It's a wonderful feeling to reminisce. "I don't cry because it ended. I smile because it happened".

4) Yeecheng

Yet another fun and happy experience. Well, we were never together, always in that grey area. But an opened grey area. We were so opened about this between us such that at one point of time, it becomes that we didnt really care what we were anymore. We just had fun. And it felt good. We were lost in our own little fun world of crazy adventure. We would do crazy things. In fact he always had crazy ideas. And never dare him. He will do it. Helix bridge to the mbs boardwalk to raffles place lao pa sat to marina barrage. He is such a daring person who dreams and envision big things, always such a great inspiration to me. He shares stories of dreams and interesting things that he sees or reads to me, always surrounding me with such positivity and fun. He tells me to be practical but impractical at the same time. I really look up to and enjoy being around him. And I do have a love hate rs with his ego. It's attractive and charismatic yet annoying at the same time.

5) Ivan

This guy is a major problem. Though he's the one my feelings have stayed the longest and where there are most memories and emotions involved, there aren't so much memories with him at the marina area though. Just a short little one at the F1 pit. The night when we watched a horror movie alone together for the first time. "The Long Weekend". Marina Square. And we walked over to the F1 pit along the river and sat. And once again, stargazed for a bit. This stargaze thing would always be something exclusive about us, at least to me. And also like what he always says, that I like dark dark places. Haha. Just so happen that we always went exploring dark places together because idk i would always associate him with ghost hunting and thrill and a bit of romance. And these would naturally be associated with dark places. And of course the starry box that he made me for my bday in 2013. But we're always there but not there. More than friends but not a romantic couple. Idk what we were. But it was so much laughter with him. He tells me the lamest things yet which I could laugh so hysterically over. The phobia 4 video that we watched together there. He would also open up to tell me things that I would so wanna fix for him. He would sound so broken and I would so wanna hug him and shower him with so much love. And also once, at the merlion when the guys were playing the "girl A or girl B" elimination game. Apparently I was one of the choices the guys gave him where he had to choose. He was so defensive n shy he didnt wanna play it. Haha and that look was just cute. But im just so upset that we have drifted so much apart. And I've almost given up on trying to initiate, to keep whatever we have. Idk what he's thinking but I'm so tired of his negativity and passivity. I wished he could walk out of this and be more proactive. And have more trust and confidence in and determination towards others and the rs with them. And there's this dilemma in me. Knowing that I lose motivation and am super alright with letting go easily (im not the persistent type and wouldn't really wanna change the minds of others), I hope he can meet a special girl who is emotionally ready to love him wholeheartedly, yet I want to be with him because I like him. Trouble trouble trouble :(

6) Justina

K this is the only part that isnt associated with romance. Haha. Dont get me wrong. This is about friendship. She was my clubbing partner, my sisterlike and fellow single girlfriend whom I've shared the young and wild days with. In short, we shared so much woes together. And she was my favourite pair of ears when we spoke about n oogle over boys. Butterfact (our clubbing hangout when we were younger), exploring kudeta, and all the emo sessions together. I'm really upset that our friendship had to turn out this way. Yup just in case you were wondering, we kind of lost contact because of that incident of one of her irresponsible, moody, and angsty episodes, when I really really couldn't stand anymore. Idk what made her so selfish and full of herself so suddenly. We used to speak so much of the future, how we would still have so much fun together even when we were old and haggard, just like  the wild things single girls would do when we were young. But idk how did things become like how it is now. She doesn't even bother to contact me. Well, I always appear like I don't care, to protect my pride and ego, but deep down, in fact I really do. I wished she'd acted more.

Okay. It was a nice therapeutic time sitting here by the river and reminiscing. Really needed this to calm my mind. So much has been going on in life. And I've been trying to balance and sort many things out. Myself, what I want in my job, my identity and expectations for myself at work, a balance between work, me time, my social life with friends, and my love life. Mentally and emotionally tired. But press on. You can do it.

Words of the month:
1) FOCUS
2) GO BEYOND

Dear diary, I cant believe Im still at this. Like seriously? Why am i still stuck with thoughts of B? Dear diary, he's back from Korea, and so many changes have taken place during these 2 months.

Firstly, due to inresponsiveness when he was at Korea, we didnt really talk much when he was there. And i kinda lost the motivation and interests towards him? What a rapid escalation isnt it. Sudden burst of euphoria just before he left, and then this has to happen. Sometimes i wished the motivation and interests would stay, because i miss how things were between us. Simple and happy. But well, like what Denise says, everything has a season. It just... doesnt feel the same anymore. If we'd wanted more with each other, it would bound to transform into another season, given our effort. At least that's what I believe in.

Whenever i see the starry box he made me during my 23rd birthday, i would reminisce our past once again. And i would miss him all over again, and then come back to reality that the fact is, we have drifted apart ever since the husky incident happened. It still pains my heart to recall the statement he made over husky. "It's because it's you that's why i nag. If it's other people, you think I will care?" But he just distanced himself away subsequently and i allowed him to, without probing or confronting him till just bef he flew to Korea. And sometimes I would blame myself for having allowed husky to have come into my life, and hence losing what i had with B. And why is it that i say ive lost him, is because even though things were quite sweet n the misunderstanding was resolved just bef he flew, we cant deny the fact that we have already drifted apart. And this gap, is now even greater than how i we first knew each other as stranger. I feel like it is a double wall now that he puts up, and it is gonna be twice the effort for him to open up and disclose his vulnerable side to me, unlike bef.

And i'd always always question myself. Is he worth it? This question has already come across my mind umpteen times. But I would always convince myself that yes, he is worth my effort. Because Ive seen the broken side of him. And i wanna fix it for him. So whenever he treats me like a special someone, opening up the side of him that he seldom shows, and some sort of romance gets involved, i would end up wanting more. Im supposed to be the one giving him all the love that would fix the broken pieces in him, but i would end up seeing a lot of love from him. And that is my soft spot. I guess he's the most broken person ive come across, and yet having the most love to give. I guess that's why the inability and unwillingness to cut the grey areas clean with him. I dont bear to.

N especially after the period i was kinda jealous n insecure that he would be snatched away by some other girl in Korea (at the start), but escalated quickly  to being unmotivated and indifferent, and subsequently i having the chance to meet new people out there, ive come to terms that i dont need his negativity in my life. I deserve a lot more, and i need positivity in my life. There are so many people out there, who are less difficult to read, less difficult to be together, can be much more affectionate towards me, and whom i can be positively be influenced with. I know all these sound so selfish, but it doesnt mean that im gonna all receive n not love him back. He might probably even be less difficult and more receptive to be shown affection to. Someone with great envision, dreams, and goals. Someone i would look up to and be there to turn my frowns into smiles by giving me hope. Not by always focusing on the negative and putting me down, killing my positivity, and dashing my hopes, whenever i seek to encourage him or turn to him because im down (yes, im already down, why would i need more words of discouragement? Not saying who but yup it's like a you-dont-say thing). Yes, he's in fact by far the sweetest guy ive ever come across (when we were close bef the husky incident, that is), it's just that negativity in him which makes everything twice the effort to get close to on a deeper level. Yup and now that makes it x4 the effort after our bridge was burnt.

Anyway so just now when B told the group about a Korean girl he liked at Korea, idk, my heart sank a little. But it wasnt that bad. It sank when i had my miss-our-past mode on, but i felt spontaneous and enthusiastic like a friend friend feeling when i had my the-world-is-so-big-so-many-people-out-there mode on. But well, he's one of a kind. These  are what make him different. Idk what this is, seriously.  I feel so half hearted. Idk where this is going. I still believe that hardwork pays off. So as long as I put in relatively enough effort, i'll be able ro gain that trust and affection from him again. But how long is it gonna take? Is it worth my effort? How do I become more motivated. I dont wanna do half hearted things but that's just how I feel now. If i remain unmotivated, i am never gonna see any fruits of the hard labour. What do i want? How to achieve what i want. How to become more motivated? It'll be x4 or probably x8 more times of effort. Especially when we are leading different lives now.

I really dk. And is it just that i dont bear to let the thoughts go, or is it that it's because they just wont rest until i have my answer to how he would respond and see things between us after i tell him my feelings? Otherwise it would always be a question mark to me and i dont wanna regret not having this query of mine answered, lets just say i die tomorrow. Or is it that i havent met anyone who makes my heart flutter, and that is why i hold on to the closest one to that feeling now. Or, is it that he's still that important and special person that i once held so dear to?

So back to topic. I guess until i meet that someone who attracts me both emotionally, physically, and socially, i wouldnt let go of thoughts between B n i. So i guess, i should make the best out of what i have? I hate it when my defensive mode is on when we're in a group, and i just talk to others more than i do to him. But yet when we are alone together, i show so much affection. Seriously, i need to find the motivation. Just like what sis told me about my job. Jiayou.

:( jealous me is jealous again. Saw his photos on instagram. The gorgeous scenery and all. And the photos which the two of them took together by a Korean friend they made. I just wanna detach myself :( Can't take both that envy and jealousy. One part of me wished sosososo damn badly that the one there with him was me, experiencing all that beauty and adventure with him, but the other part of me is telling me to let him go, let us go. I just.. don't have that courage to love him. I initiated a conversation with him a few days back. He mentioned that I would like it there because there are many dark places for me to explore. And the more I wished I was there by his side, sharing all that beautiful experience with him. It made me real sad. To make things worse, despite that, he didn't seem keen to share with me his adventures and stories. He was the one who said that he would take lots of pictures to tempt me when he is there. But when I asked for him to show me pictures, he said he took a lot but he didn't feel like posting them. I said he just had to show me and didn't have to post it. And he replied, "see how first", yet the photos on his instagram a few days later. How am I not expected to feel rejected? How am I supposed to keep initiating without fearing that I'll annoy him? I have my pride too. It's not that I've never tried. I did. But can anyone understand how I feel? Idk if he's too independent or used to being alone? It seems like he doesn't want to long for something. He doesn't wanna try. Probably that's why even if he enjoys something, he wouldn't think of having it, and so, doesn't bother to act. And being the negative him, he probably wouldn't expect me to care as much too. It's just.. so tough. Too tough.

爱我的资格歌词 - S.H.E.

把手放了
我也许会比较快乐
我也许会换个情人
我也许不会再撑
真的够了
能不能让雨别再下了
能不能让心别再疼了
能不能不要开灯
我们的爱跟着
你写的剧本
出现了越来越多的角色
我是你什么人
如果不是情人
是不是不要
再浪费我的人生
你比我更清楚
你对我多好
多温柔 多认真
不构成爱我的资格
除非你只看着我
想着我 只有我
爱本来就该独一无二
为你伤心多一点 少一点
流下的眼泪都一样不值得
世界上那么多人
只有我 一个人
能拯救自己的快乐
不要再为你哭了

Repost: http://thoughtcatalog.com/isabel-hershko/2014/03/this-is-what-happens-when-you-love-someone-who-has-built-up-walls/

This Is What Happens When You Love Someone Who Has Built Up Walls

Mar. 18, 2014

By Isabel Hershko

Loving someone who has walls up is not a careless decision. It takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement, blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises. They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret romantics have to stay hidden away. 

But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck — you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.

For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.

They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing. 

They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn. 

They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far. 

At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist. 

If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it.

Dear diary,

I just read Charmaine's blog on her exchange trip in Korea which she went together with B. I know this sounds ridiculous and selfish but the first feeling that arose within me, is jealousy :((((((((( omg I sound like a possessive girlfriend when we are not even together. *frowns*

Oh wait. First of all, I gotta clarify that B and I are alright once again after that long period of awkwardness/tension which seemed like forever to me. Decided to try my luck again before he flew on 20th June to Korea (for 2 months), to kind of have a heart to heart talk with him. And surprisingly, he stopped being cold and sian towards me, and so, we met up on 16th June successfully after millions of years (okay I'm being exaggerating. it was like 4 months?) and finally, I could ask him what happened between us. Being the super shy and not used to being comfortable with expressing his emotions kind of person, he stuttered. But what made me most touched and happy was that, he was willing to put down his pride to show that emotional side of him (though it was quite a challenge to him. he even told me that he wanted to hide it from me. it, referring to the reason why he stopped talking to me, which was, the disappointment that I stopped looking for him to let him know about the happenings in my life). I was filled with such ambivalence at that point in time. Happiness and relief, yet disappointment (but former was like probably 90%, and the latter 10%). Happy and relieved that he finally was receptive towards my attempts to reach out to him, and that I still mean something to him after so long. Yet, disappointed because I am always the one who has to initiate, even if he wants something. It's like, he wants, yet he doesn't dare to want. It just makes me feel unwanted you know.

Like why am I always the one who will take the first step. Is all that we have not worth his attempt to step out of his comfort zone to at least dare to fight for something that he claims to value? We are very similar, in the sense that we are both passive, shy, scared of rejection, and self control freaks (like we can't just "let it go~ let it go~ can't hold it back anymore"). I have never really fought for, or at least, had to fight for anything that I wanted. But because he means so much, I stepped out. I'm tired of his passivity. If I meant so much to you like you said, why don't I see it in your actions, in wanting to act, and retrieve what we had lost. If I didn't do anything, he would have just let things go. Why, why doesn't he try to fight for something that he wants in life? He's like this towards his father, and the same towards me. And I hate this. I hate how he can't seem to have the courage to fight for what he wants, and the confidence to know that he is capable of successfully having fought for what he wants. I know that it's highly due to his upbringing, that he is being conditioned to accept the fact that he has no control over his predestined fate, so in the long run, he refuses to want to do anything to make his life better but to accept things as they are. Okay, and he, in his defense, said that he thought I was the one who didn't want to talk to him first (in fact it was because of my fear of rejection by his coldness after the sam husky incident, which I did not hide from him intentionally, triggered on to other things that I did not tell him). He said that he is a negative person and that it wasn't the first day that I knew him anyway. I think I will be sick and tired of hearing that one day :(

Okay anyway, so it was like self fulfilling prophecy both in us u know. It was like okay
1) the sam husky thing which I did not hide from him intentionally -> 
2) him thinking that I don't wanna let him know about my life anymore or maybe also pride that if I wanted to tell him stuff, I will look for him -> 
3) his withdrawal interpreted as coldness to me (especially as he moved on to having other close friends like Charmaine and Morris, and seemed like he was having a whale of a time) -> 
4) my fear of rejection by him and guilt for hurting him, like making him think that I don't want him anymore (I thought he wasn't interested in knowing anything about me anymore) -> 
5) I stopped looking for him after a few attempts to ask him out he just seemed to be pushing me away ->
6) my withdrawal interpreted as his confirmation of me not wanting to let him know about my life and it just goes back to 2)

So it was like at the same time as he thought I would approach him if I wanted to, I was thinking of the same as well. And that was what caused our drift. But well, on a happy note, he was finally receptive towards my reaching out (but apparently, to him, he thinks that he was all along affected by this, so I shouldn't have used the word "finally"). Well, true that it isn't that he is "finally" receptive in that sense if he wanted to put it that way, cos it's true that I could've approached him earlier, like seriously approach him with sincerity instead of just trying to talk about things on the surface with him (in my defense, that's my way of approaching what). But I used the word "finally" because he's all along been so cold and sian towards me when I attempted to reach out to him, though okay I do agree that probably I didn't try hard enough. But hey, he was so cold, how does he expect me to not have the feeling of being rejected. And in my defense, why can't he approach me first. At least I tried (and got pushed away), but he didn't at all. Oh wells, but I guess because both of us valued each other so much, we did not go on pushing the blame around, but became all well once again. As I leaned on his shoulder, grabbed his arm to hug it close to me, and said "huhhh sorry leh" in that manja tone, he said "wah you like that I don't know what to feel anymore" in that okay-shit-fine-u-win tone, like when one's heart will melt when people do that to them. And omg I just felt sosososo nice. I'm not a well versed person, so I really dk what words to use to describe how happy I was. I wished that night would never end. And I wished I could just lie in his arms till forever. That embrace, is like something fought for, something that I received with much pain, so priceless.

But oh well, back to reality. We had to leave. And he, being the cheeky him, kept on trying to guilt trip me (i suspect that it is cos he isn't emotionally expressive, like shy, or maybe he is just afraid of rejection (same as I do, but I guess mine is very mild as compared to him even though mine can be quite bad), so by doing that, he could get me to get close to him without him having to initiate him wanting that physical touch and intimacy). So he kept saying things like "wah, so disappointing", so that I would hug him or his arm so try to "get my way through". I guess that's our way of getting intimate without having to really express ourselves in such an overt way. Can't imagine myself feeling so blissful hugging someone else. And Idk why but I always liked the feeling of hugging the arm of someone I'm in love with, like pull it close to my chest area. Call me weird, but it just feels so heartwarming, it's like literally close to my heart. And it feels even sweeter because it's really hard for me to fall in love with someone. But when I do, I feel genuinely and extremely blissful.

Okay yes, so I volunteered to take the train with him, so that we could spend more time together. And as we did, we took this photo. Extreme bliss. Beyond words. It's so amazing that I still feel that special feeling towards the same person even after 2 years of push and pull, ups and downs, on and offs. Not that I didn't like E when I was with him. It was just that, I only realized the real significance of B to me when E and I broke up. And as I left, because stupid us took the wrong direction and when we switched to the right one, there were no more trains to my place, I spread out my arms for a hug, and he hugged me. Initially, he gave that awkward pat pat kind of hug, but since I've always liked to stroke the other person's back as I hugged them, he stopped the pat pat and hugged me still and for a few seconds. Though it wasn't that kind of tight hugs, I felt like those few seconds, there weren't anyone else around us. Okay dramatic, but the way he hugged me back, I felt the love. And you know it, because time has shown everything. Soooo, because the train had to leave, so I had to come back to reality that I was going off. And that was when we bade goodbye. I could just hug him till the morning :(

 Beyond words.
 

Okay so anyway, I also passed him the booklet that I was supposed to give to him last year during his bday. A booklet that consisted of all the sweet memories that we shared together all the way from when I first knew him. Photos of us, the pictures we would send each other (the most random things like the food we were eating at that point in time, our new haircuts), and also pictures which captured the moments of our memories (like the dale soft toy I gave him), and also drawings of the places we went to and things that we said. It was like a booklet of our story. So, since his next bday is already nearing and I won't be able to spend it with him this time round, I made a continuation to his bday this year, with only a few but meaningful pages (few cos we stopped talking or meeting). Because it was too mushy, I told him to read it at home. And so, after he read it, he texted me and told me that he was touched and amazed beyond words how I could remember all the details so clearly, some events and things of which he didn't even remember happening or saying. And he gave me a red heart emoticon followed by "I love the booklet!!!!!". Also, he said that he would always appreciate my friendship and effort to make things work. (Yea he better. HAHA. Kidding.) But I'm so glad and happy that I still meant something to him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have felt so much upon reading the booklet, isn't it?

OKAY. So back to our initial topic, yup, so after all that happiness on Monday, he had to fly off on Friday. And because he didn't want me to go send him off, whether on that day at the airport, or one night before at his place, he said he would send lots of pictures to tempt me when he is there at Korea. But it's been 3 days.. I have been waiting for 3 days, no news :( And then I see that he has this newly set up instagram account because of pictures that Charmaine posted and tagged him in, I felt affected. I felt sad. I know I shouldn't because it's just an instagram account and maybe he was overly engrossed that he didn't think of texting me? And I thought, I shouldn't be selfish and expect him to have to account to me anything because we do not have any commitments towards each other afterall. I didn't want to stress him out with such stuff because I know this trip means a lot to him. It meant freedom, which he might never get to enjoy in his life because of his dad. And freedom meant things that he can do when he is single, and does not have anyone to account to. I know I should let him be. I shouldn't pressure him with anything.

But at the same time, I can't help but to feel jealous that he and Charmaine are spending alone time together, exploring Korea together, the city streets, the street or restaurant food, the scenery, the accommodation, the culture, experiencing everything together. I know I sound crazy now because he doesn't have any commitment with me, so he should be free to do whatever he wants in life with whoever he wants. Even if it means falling for her. My paranoia acting up again :( u know, when people, especially guys, always say that it is difficult for platonic friendships between a girl and a guy to exist. And they are experiencing so many new things for the first time together, spending so much alone time together. I know 2 months sound short, but when I think of how much they are experiencing together, and how much stories and memories they would have together, just the two of them at somewhere faraway from Singapore, I'll feel like giving up. I'm so scared of being heartbroken. I feel like just detaching myself away so I won't feel so affected if I delve in and invest feelings in him. How am I supposed to not feel uneasy and scared :(((((((( plus he isn't talking to me. I know I can just initiate to talk to him, but I just am afraid of falling and delving in further :( so I'll just try my best to continue my life without the need of him.

But sigh. This is precisely where the problem between us is. I am rotating back and forth between wanting and not wanting him. And I guess that's his issue too. That is why we are always stagnant. But after experiencing such a major heartache and tough times during those months, I guess, it shouldn't be so much about pulling through anymore, but more of acting on it. These few months really made me think, feel, and understand a lot. No one else could make me feel the way I do about B. And this time round, I am more certain that I like him, and that I really really wanna spend my life with this person. So, I won't wanna experience another of such a pain and torture I bring upon myself again. I want to make things happen, I wanna make us happen. I don't wanna lose him again and again anymore. So I guess, this is  a major turning point in my life, where I really fight for something that I want despite my strongheadedness, ego, pride, and fear. 

JIAYOU HUANG WEILING. DON'T LET YOUR FEAR LOSE HIM AGAIN.

Meanwhile, make your own plans for your own life from now. Prepare and have a goal for your future. Stop worrying about him. Do what you want and can do. And just continue with your life. There are other things to worry about, than something that you can't control.

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength.

Dear diary,

I'm feeling so jaded. Met up with husky yesterday and omg I cannot believe that I actually felt nice around his company. Used to be so against him, and I'm amazed at how extreme feelings can change in such a short period of time. And suddenly, I enjoyed and I wanted more of his company. Isn't it strange and unbelievable? I guess it's because of his efforts in still keeping me close even though he already has a gf. Idk if this is inappropriate to say cos he might still be thinking of me even though he has a gf. He would say things like "I still feel quite sour that it's not me" when he asked if I have found the one, and also saying suggestive things like it would be an honour if he could still cook for me, and joking if he could be my stalker, saying that others have good eyesight to have noticed me. And he wanted to meet me over a good meal rather than coming to my workplace for just icecream. And he even asked if I had known him longer, would things have changed between us. Okay, I know he shouldn't be saying or doing all these because he already has a gf. How can he still say or do such things with someone he's liked before. But anyway, on the good side (at least on my side), it just means that what he had for me was real. It was quite unbelievable in the past because I don't believe in "love at first sight". And I doubted how he could be so into me? Besides, he was being so aggressively pushy and forceful in wanting to chase me, doing all sorts of things and going all out just for me, but I didn't even know him well. How could I reciprocate? And how could I not feel guilty and pressurized when I can't reciprocate? So, Idk if I was feeling touched yesterday by his sincerity in really being into me back then (and so I am more interested and motivated to know him more now since what he had for me was real and it should be worth my effort right?) or that it was the sincerity of wanting to be friends? In terms of wanting to be friends, I just find it touching too because most guys who chased me disappeared or even denied anything to do with me after we drew boundaries. But he didn't. He still bothered to put in effort to be friends even though he has a gf. He didn't deny that he liked me in the past just because I pushed him away. He was still concerned for me even though we are just friends. This touched me greatly because it just means that he didn't wanna get to know me just because he wanted to chase me. I really mattered to him as a person rather than just someone he was chasing? I know it was still mainly that back then (cos like what he said, what he had for me was real, but back then it was just a bit hard to just be friends), but he doesn't have any other reason to still keep in contact with me (he was still texting me every now and then to ask about my day and all) now right? So it should be that he really valued me as a person that is why he still bothers to be friends? And it's so rare that anyone would still bother to keep in contact after being rejected u know. There are so many other girls out there, why would this one girl matter so much to them. If they failed, then look somewhere else isn't it. Furthermore, he has a gf to keep him loved and accompanied, why would he bother about some other girl whom he has chased before but didn't reciprocate his feelings, and made him so upset? Unless I am being naive again like what most of my guy friends would tell me, that it is impossible that he wants to keep me as a friend, but more because he isn't all that happy after all in his current rs and is either still trying his luck with me, or having the best of both worlds and not wanting to lose any side (having a gf by status to love and be loved because I can't get together with him, but still keeping me by his side because he isn't as happy as with her). Actually now that this strikes me, I would really love to know and understand more about people who cheat. Like what sis said, maybe this guy whom I told her was cheating felt exactly this way. He did not want to lose any sides because both were important to him. Okay actually after all these thoughts, I think husky is keeping in contact with me still even after he has a gf is not 1) because he really wanted to keep me as a friend, or 2) because he is still trying his luck to chase me, but 3) because he might not be as happy in his current rs and therefore he thought of me and well, since I can't be his gf, if he remained as friends with me, he could at least keep my presence, which probably could make him happier, by his side.

K I'll continue this at night after my work. Gonna go prepare now. Bye!

Jaded.

Skinny Love - Birdy

Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I told my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my,my, my, my,my, my, my, my,
Right at the moment this order's tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning, I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall, far behind?

Come on skinny love
Oh, my, my,my, my, my, my,my, my, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my

Dear diary,

It's been a while. I've been good. Still working at udders and quite a lot recently, while looking for a FT job in the mean time. And life's quite great though mundane. And having a bit of cash flow feels good haha as I'm able to indulge in a little bit of good food and pampering.

My love luck's been kinda strong lately too, and I've been dating and getting to know more people. It was liberating at first. But to be honest, no one can replace that feeling of specialness towards B. I still miss him a lot. And when I miss him, I still think about the happy times we shared, and though it would be tears of joyful reminiscence that I'd shed, my heart would ache. And quite terribly. And I'd still wonder what went wrong between us, that sudden distance. And occasionally, I'd have this sudden urge to hug him and tell him how much I miss hearing his voice over the phone, holding his arm and feeling so comfortable beside him, all his lame jokes and retarded self praises of how nice he is to me, all his shyly expressed care and concern which made me feel so special and oh gawd. Too much for me to take it. Can't hold back those pouring tears. How can he just leave my life so suddenly without a word. And why is he pushing me away? What am I to him. What were all that we had? And I had to deal with all the guilt because I made him upset but what about all these that he's doing to me that's making me heartbroken? And I have to pretend to not bother, letting him be, cos sis told me to take things in stride. I really dk if I should continue to not do anything or take control.

I hope he doesn't see these though. It would be major awkward cos I know he isn't one who's very expressive in his emotions, and we don't usually show such emotions to each other too.

Oh wells. I'm tired. Goodnight world.

And they meant so much to me.

What happened?

Dear diary,

Out of a sudden, I feel that I've become so hardhearted. It seems like after I experienced that breakthrough moment of detachment from missing and needing B's presence in my life, I have grown to be unfeeling towards my relation with everyone around me. As I was typing a birthday message to A, the 1st ex bf, today, I actually spent close to twenty minutes, in an attempt to draft the most ideal message, which is the most sincere and personal, to him. I gave up in the end, accepting that the message (still a very general one) was the best shot that I could afford. Omg can you believe it? I actually had to wreck my brain just for a birthday message. And as I thought about how to sound more sincere and personal, I could not feel anything to do with him even though we hold memories of so much beautiful and upsetting times together. I just could not. Not like he'll care any bit, since we are history, like old old old history. But I just thought that something seems wrong with me -___- I can't feel. Even if I do, I'll be like.. oh okay I'm all well again the next instant. But nevertheless, I somehow could finally feel what sis told me about being comfortable alone. I did not feel the need to have romance or the company of friends out of a sudden and it's just strange because I used to be such a needy and dependent person on the company of friends (like having someone to hang out with or just chat with to kill my boredom. I just needed a friend's presence) or romance (even the least like having someone to flirt with). I used to feel empty because I was left with much alone time. My whatsapp barely had time to be quiet. But now, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I feel lazy to socialize and do not find the urge to want to, and I am perfectly fine with having no one ring my whatsapp for the whole day. I wonder if that's good or bad.

I have plans to surprise B before he flies off to Korea for summer semester, since I can't be around to celebrate his birthday on the actual day. I wonder what will the consequences be. I wonder what he would feel and think of all these. I actually thought so much, to the point of questioning myself the reasons behind doing all these for him. In fact, after the act of wanting to draft the most ideal message to A, it seems like I'm trying very hard to let others leave the best impression of me, isn't it? Or rather, I'm trying to prove to myself that I can make a difference in something that I think I can be in control of. Dreamy idealist, as what T would call it. Perhaps T is right. I just want everything to be ideal and the best of what they can be, and as long as something is within my control, or at least I would think they are, I would want to do something to achieve that idealistic outcome eventually. Oh wells, stop thinking. Back to essay writing. Jiayou! Complete it and you can start with your revision!

Hi. Just saw his photos tagged on fb, of his involvement in that busy mod. He seems happy. And all that appreciation stuff that their teacher enforced in the class is really heartwarming, as seen from the photographs of involvement of the students including him. But and again, it's not that I want to be needy, it's just that it really seems highly doubtful to others if they are really doing those acts of appreciation (by presenting their mortals with random gifts on a personal level as a role of their angels) from the bottom of their hearts or is it just for the sake of pleasing others in this mod? Cos if they've learnt from this practice to appreciate others by showing little acts of giving and love, why is he not applying it to others out of his mod who are important to him to begin with?

I understand that he is preoccupied with commitment in that mod and he might not have thought of wanting to spend time with others out of his mod, neglecting them unknowingly. I still feel sour about that though cos if he really values me, it would show through his efforts of at least a text of a random thought of me or at least of gratitude to the cornflakes I made for everyone which included him too right. How hard is it to drop one a text albeit the busyness if one really wanted to? But well, at least I can convince myself to let this go because he has greater priorities. What I don't understand is his coldness towards me whom he used to hold dear to.

I guess he hasn't realize that he's beginning to lose the moon while counting the stars. I'll try for one last time to reach out to him after exams. But if he appears to be hostile or cold again for idk what reason, or continue to seem oblivious that he has neglected others while enjoying time with his current new friends even after his busy mod ends, I am walking away. And if that happens, all I can say is that, maybe we are not meant for each other. If we are, we will come together again at a later point in time. But I would not hold any hopes of being with him romantically anymore. Because I believe that as long as two people are meant for each other, they will start off by wanting to, and the universe will conspire in helping them find each other again no matter how long and how much obstacles they are parted with. I think after all these, I have finally come to that stage of ultimate detachment, where a negative and torturous kind of missing someone has become that which is positive and look-back-and-smile. I guess that is how I know I am ready to move on completely.

But something that I will take away from this though, is to live in the moment. Cos I've always wondered if things would have taken on a different path if I appeared to be more receptive and taken more initiative towards him, because maybe we both wanted to at the same point in time but didn't react (who knows if things might have been different if I'd taken a bolder step ahead), which caused our path to diverge completely when the change of desire in either of us happens, preventing the universe from continuing to help us get together. Oh wells, don't regret anything though, but learn from your mistakes, girl. You never know how your future is like with him, particularly whether both your lives will intertwine with that specialness again. But even if you don't, you have to look forward, and make your experience with the next awesome guy you come across, one who makes both your hearts flutter, a better one.

Dear diary,

As I'm sitting at this really quiet and peaceful place by a fountain that's opp the istana, I'm reflecting on the attitude that B has been showing. It's really pretty here at night by the way.

Okay anyway, to speak the truth, when I replied his random whatsapp of asking me if there was good food around my area, and towards the back saying I miss him because it's been so long I haven't seen him and that if only I didn't have work on that day I could've met him since he was playing badminton nearby, the response that he gave was a total heart stabber. "Oh! Too bad then! I'll see you another time". Is that how someone who was once like your brother and a good friend will treat you? They always say that nothing else but kinship lasts. Now I (Oh my gawd. A North Indian guy just came up to and tried to hit on me wth. He asked if I'm from spore and if he could sit down beside me. Told him I was leaving and then he self introduced. 'Hi I am James, you are?' Wth. And I said again that I am leaving and then he apologized. 'Sorry about that. Sorry'. Luckily he didn't dare do anything to me. Wth I was sitting just by the main road and there were 2 other young guys smoking a distance away. Wth did this man think he was trying to do?! Madness).

Okay anyway. Because B is not my real brother afterall, that's why he was willing to give up our ties? And I've always thought that he's different from other guys. One of a kind. Because of his unconditional love that he's shown towards me, unlike most other guys who disappear from my life when smth to do w romantic rs screws up, regardless of whether or not they were my friends to begin with. Before all these coldness during xmas, I wrote a card to B, alongside with the love charm of which he really or at least appeared to have treasured, that he was the first guy who didn't have any motive on me (cos he has never attempted to take advantage of me or turn anything between us into something sexual even though we were really close). I thought he was a friend who could stay in my life (even if things were to turn romantic and screw up along the way). I thought he wasn't a come and go friend. I thought our relationship (and I say relationship because it is somewhere more than just a friendship but not to the stage of a romantic relationship) would be stronger than this. He even once told T and the guys that he thought that I would be the only one who will stay in his life. That was why I saw more confidence in us. But all that are happening now seem to mean that I've thought wrong. Or is it that people just change? Now, it seems like all that was in the past was only because he needed people by his side.

In short, I was the comfort that he needed and that perhaps nobody else could provide him with, and he didn't want to risk losing that sense of comfort that came hard and so, made up his mind to be cautious about not going into anything romantic or sexual with me just in case anything screws up (which is more likely to happen than in a platonic friendship). And all those ups and downs with him were our struggles I suppose. While doing all sorts of special things for me, perhaps he was also confused if he merely wanted to keep me as an important friend who could provide that source of comfort that he needed to him, or not to be shameless but really, if he had already fallen for me. But now that he has found himself a new group of friends that he's comfortable with, I guess that is why he's enjoying himself too much that he doesn't even mind losing that initial source of comfort in me anymore. Because by drifting apart and detaching from me (and very timely by using "busy" as an excuse since he really is caught up with that mod which requires so much time and effort investment), he could be spared from that struggle because he now has found a new source of comfort which he doesn't have to invest so much emotions in with knowing that they can more safely just be friends (cos from the intimacy, any dumbass could tell our friendship was really more than just friends, but theirs, consisting of three people, does give off the bro vibe instead).

Oh wells, I should stop blaming myself, thinking that it's cos of me hiding things from him at the start of this semester, which caused his hurt and broken of trust in me. Because if he'd really valued me as a person, why would such I shouldn't say trivial but more of just a one-off incident just break apart whatever that we shared and held close and precious? I believe that it shouldn't and wouldn't have been so fragile if I really meant something to him even up till now. But his attitude of seeming like he didn't want to talk to me even after I told him that I miss him just says it all. He might think that I sounded insincere because if I'd missed him, I would've long ago contacted him, and not only tell him that I miss him when he texted me to ask me abt smth general. But should that be the priority? If he really valued me, why would he allow himself to be calculative and petty over that "insincerity"? Unless his guard of being wary of me is up again. But I doubt so. That's why maybe I don't mean as much or at all to him anymore. And I don't wanna force it out of him, because sometimes when things and people change, they just do and nothing good will come out of anything that's forced.

I guess I'm gonna accept it that whatever that we had is gonna be the most that we would've and could've gone through together. And I shall close this chapter and move on completely. Yes I would still love to keep him by my side as a friend and I would try to because he's been a great person to me even as a friend, unless he pushes me away, but I will move on from hoping and wanting us to blossom into anything more already. It's time, to walk away.

Nights world.
"Find a song not that you like to sing, but one that suits you singing, bringing out the best in both you who sing, and him who is sung".

Nothing that is worth having comes easy.
You have to fight for it.
You have to try.

Dear diary,

It's been a while. And I've been trying to keep myself positive all these while. I tried, very hard, to let myself see the brighter side of things and life, using Yeecheng as my source of inspiration and role model. Not sure if I should say that I've been quite successful at not taking things to heart, or that I've just been good at repressing my unhappy feelings and emotions.

I still miss B. Very much it is. And looking at the occasional pictures he's tagged in on fb, the only source of update I do get about his life now, I can't help but to wonder, and wreck my brain to think, why did he not contact me all these while? Amidst his really busy life during this semester, has he not thought of me at all? Has he not thought of wanting to ask how I have been all these while? Is it just because he is plain busy and hence prioritized his work and has put everything else aside, or is it also because he has already gotten detached from me entirely from the hurt I caused by keeping things from him just before this happened? If it was the former, that nothing has changed between us, and I am still that precious and important person to him, why hadn't he dropped me a text at least? Am I not worth an effort of a text to at least keep in touch while he is busy? I feel as though I lost him, just overnight, without even knowing the reason why. I can't wait to end this semester so that I can talk to him and find out why. But if it was the latter, that I was the one who caused him to detach from me by hiding things from him before this, I really wished there was something that I could do to make it up to him. The worst thing of all is that, it is none of the above, because maybe he's totally detached from me because we just did, and that because I was never as important as I thought I was to him, that all that we shared was just something insignificant to him that what we had can just be broken into millions of pieces with just time.

It really hurts. To miss someone so terribly yet not being able to see him, touch him, or hear his voice at all. And I really wish to just let it go. But at the same time, I did not try to even reach out to him to find out why, and letting go without even trying to know the reason what caused the change in us so suddenly should be the last thing that I should do.

I keep telling myself to have faith. I keep reminding myself to believe in him and in our friendship that it is not that fragile, because of the chemistry, the connection and specialness that both of us shared. I keep telling myself to not overthink. To not just focus on the negative and forget about everything else. But it's really a struggle. I know it's my fault for not reaching out to him when I want to know what happened between us, but I feel vulnerable. And I just don't want to disturb him if to him, it was really nothing but plain busy to him that he didn't contact me at all. I don't want to appear needy. Yet I know it shouldn't be an issue of being needy because as long as it bothers me, it is a concern, regardless of whether or not he senses the same. My concern shouldn't be dismissed just because maybe he didn't sense the same. So I can only have myself to blame then since there was something that I could do (though it involves a risk of being vulnerable) yet I chose not to. Sigh. In fact, it all boils down to pride. I wish I could put aside my pride and just be vulnerable. Like what Oli said, people don't want to initiate texting the other first because they are afraid to be vulnerable, because by texting first would just suggest that they care about things more. And she followed by saying that we shouldn't be afraid to show that we care more because that's how loving a person should be.

That's why the struggle in me. I guess for now I should just stop ruminating on the sadness because at least I'm still lucky I still have the choice of acting and there are still hopes of the benefit of doubt, unlike Oli who has already tried almost all means and come to a conclusion that Mik has chosen to walk away no matter what she did. Just focus on this last lap, hang in there since I've already done so for so long, and then address the issue with him after that. At least I'm not letting myself down because I acted, and I tried. Yeecheng told me he finds that I don't really like B as a person, but his traits and of course certain memories that we shared together. And he said that he thinks I'm likely to not be someone who is willing to begin a chapter 2 with B, but to end the chapter 1 of what we had. Well, I guess before I make any decision, I would want to give us a chance still to first find out how he feels. He has his own life to lead now, one which can't possibly involve me in everything like how we did before when proximity allowed us to. But anyway, like what I told him before, I still believe that a relationship takes mutual efforts to sustain. And I trust that if our affinity is meant to last, it will and with that, we will want to put in the effort no matter what obstacles come forth. And doors of opportunities will still be opened if we were meant to last. So I shouldn't blame myself for not acting or acting wrongly, because as long as both of us value this, it will never be too late.

Unless he doesn't value this relation of ours, then I guess this is not worth so much of my time and effort anymore. But first of all, girl, before you make any conclusion that he doesn't value this, prove to him that he's really important to you, that you really want to keep him in your life, and you're worth his efforts.

Press on. 
Get a grip on yourself. 
Let Yeecheng's positivity, faith, hope, courage, determination, and confidence spread to you. 
You can do this, girl.