为什么我们总是专注于 “雨过天晴的彩虹” 呢？
雨，也一样很漂亮，不是吗？

望着窗外下起的倾盆大雨，
脑海里也不尽浮现出一种美好的情景。

我不渴望一个愿意在雨中为我撑伞的他，
但愿等候一个能够陪我在大雨中漫步的你。

好羡慕 YH 和 JS 哦~
虽然这世上没有永恒，
但希望他们一直幸福！

：）

 

Anyway, I've finally understood the meaning behind why he said that it is impossible for him and my sis because "she's (I'm) a friend too precious to lose". Because he is afraid, afraid that I'll be gone when they end up in a break up one day.

He said that break ups are inevitable. He said that people will definitely leave the lives of their partners one day because the feelings would have faded. He said sometimes he wished he was born an orphan so that he wouldn't have to take care of his mother's hurt. When I heard that, my heart felt wrenched.

The words "when" and "will"..
Why should we live in such pessimism?
We only live once.
Do not be afraid to love with all your heart,
Do not be afraid to get hurt,
And do not be afraid to lose.
People do change,
People do leave,
And we do have limits in our capabilities.
There are some people who are meant to stay in our lives,
And others who are not.
As long as we've tried our best,
We wouldn't have any regrets, isn't it?
Love can be beautiful.

B. Whenever I look at his face, into his eyes, I see the broken him. He's just like a poor little injured puppy that I just want to love so much. Yes, he has been hurt. Yes, probably he needs someone to bring a smile and hope into his life again. And I might be a special someone to him, too great to lose like what he said. Probably created lots of impact on him cos no one has ever treated him so well? Haha. But oh wells, he said that he doesn't want to lose another great friend because of a break up and so has decided to not like me. Since he doesn't agree to my point of view, since he refuses to let me into the other side of his world, maybe I'm not the one he needs or meant to change that part of his life, right? Our capabilities have limits indeed. I'm already happy enough that I could be the one to regain his trust in friendships. The rest, is up to the right girl who can give him his deserved happiness, to change his life forever..

Was just telling P too that although he puts in effort to meet me up to study, the special vibe that used to bond us together with all the chemistry that we shared has disappeared. I miss him. I miss the vibe. I miss the old us.

"All those crazy things we did 
Didn't think about it, just went with it 
You're always there, you're everywhere 
But right now I wish you were here."

BUT.. Oh wells, people do change, right? And especially now that he is determined to not fall for me ever, the vibe has to change, isn't it?

Anyway, love my blog. It's like a secret inventory to store my internalized thoughts. Haha. And I suddenly so feel like going to PSR beach park again.. :) miss the sea, the breeze, the sand, and the swing there! Okay no, shall focus on my studies now. BIOPSY AND DEVPSY, GOGOGO!!

Finally, the quote of the day: Venture out, and expand your horizons! :D

Dear diary, I finally put aside all thoughts and all guards, and passed him the letter that I wanted to. And he said he was touched :) (though he thinks I drew his nose too big hahaha) Im so happy that my little action can bring a smile to the face of others, really. But as I have mentioned, whenever I see him so broken because of his family issues which have caused him to seemingly lose trust towards love, relationships and marriage, I would wanna show him so much that love can really be beautiful. So once again, Im confused over whether these are romantic feelings for him, or just wanting to make a difference, and to restore hope and happiness in the lives of others. B.

On friday, I went to pasir ris beach park with ridwan and him. Felt good :) although part of the mega playground was cordoned off, we got to play with the giant spiderweb, the spinning plate and the swing! It does remind me of the time me and him went over to the playground near his place though. Such happy memories :) That was when I got confused over him n E actually. Anyway, I love playgrounds with sand.. and love the beach park, totally. In addition to the soothing music ridwan was playing.. it was absolute serenity. The sea, the sky, the sand, the stars.. :) perfect place to chill. Love it.

Anyway, so because of the topic that the three of us were discussing on friday, being the forever inquisitive me, I finally was thick-skinned enough the following day, to pop the question of whether he has ever seen me more than just a friend. He said.. truthfully, he has no intentions for now and probably not in the future, because he has made up his mind to not like me as he doesnt wanna lose another great friend due to a break up. Upon further clarifications, he said he doesnt think he has ever liked me as a girlfriend from the start, and no intentions from the start he guessed.

He said that he hates to talk about these relationship matters because perceptions will change. I didnt exactly know how to respond. Perceptions may change but arent they worth the truth? Besides, does he trust me that little to think that my perceptions will change which will in turn affect our friendship? So was it because he was afraid to lose me that's why he doesnt wanna have anything to do with me romantically since he has always been afraid of commitment? How true is it that he has never felt anything more than just a friend towards me? I wouldnt talk about the start when we just knew each other but more of after going through emotional times together side by side. All the things that we've been through, especially how we used to open ourselves up without the fear of showing our flaws in front of each other, and how we were there for each other during emotional times.. Since I already did, wouldnt he have been confused once? Or well, maybe he really never did feel anything for me.

But on the other hand, if he said that he doesnt wanna lose a friend cos of a breakup, why does he claim that he wants a girlfriend and wants to be in a relationship when he sees no future and is afraid of commitment? Does it imply then, that to him, having a girlfriend is simply temporary gratification and a relationship status? And does it mean to him that a girlfriend is not a friend and a person whom he is okay with losing if they ended up in a breakup?

Also, he said that he has made up his mind to not like me, so how does this explain his opinion on feelings being hard to control? Further confusion arises when he said that it is because we may be feeling one way right now but another the next time round. So how can he control not liking me when he cannot control feeling differently at different times? But one definite thing that I am sure of.. He seems to be determined in friendzoning us, and never to fall in love with me ever.

Sigh. But why should one let the fear of losing a friend hinder him from pursuing his happiness? I understand that after the breakups of E and I, J and N, and most importantly the break apart of his family, he saw how friendships were ruined. And after losing many friends whom he used to be close with, he saw how easily people can leave our lives. And all these, resulted in his fear of losing people in his life, and his lost of trust in relationships and even friendships. But if people are meant to go, they will, isnt it? Whether two people are together or not, and whether they end up in a breakup, if they are gonna leave, they will; and if they are gonna stay, they will. Maybe from all these departures, we can come to realize who are those people meant to stay in our lives and who are not. So why should one allow this fear to hinder him from pursuing his happiness? So what if two people remain as friends and do not get romantically involved? It doesnt necessarily mean that she will not leave one day right? Are the chances of finding your happiness not worth taking the risks of losing someone close which may happen too without a relationship? Could it be that he would rather have me in his life as a great friend whose friendship he is confident of not losing rather than a partner whose relationship he has less confidence in?

I know he he has been through much loss of friendships, which resulted in him building a wall and no longer trusting people easily. And he just told me two weeks ago that he didnt believe in sustaining friendships because we would all move on with our own lives one day without the need of others. But when I reminded him that we should always keep those people whom we cherish close to us, he realized that close friends are the special ones who will make effort to stay. Im so happy at least I made one difference in his life, by letting him feel hope in friendships once again. But, why cant he see the same in relationships too? Or was the realization of how important close friends are to him, precisely, the reason for the increase in his fear of losing precious ones and hence not dare to step into a serious relationship which he still doesnt see much faith in? Sigh.

I really dont know while continuing to be close, I should friendzone us, or attempt to build the trust towards relationships in him? I really hope that he understands that love can be a beautiful thing. It's really sad to see how he lost trust in everything due to his family issues. But I dont even know if I have feelings for him. People are usually looking for partners whom they can receive love from. He is fun, he is sweet, he makes me laugh, he makes me happy, and I can feel safe and taken care of around him, and I used to seek comfort from him which he never failed to provide me with unconditionally. Now, though the comfort seeking is not necessary for me anymore, in fact he doesnt seem to want to or able to provide the same for me the same way anymore, but it seems like I want to make him feel loved instead. I told him I began to wonder after my breakup with E and when others kept saying we actually seem more compatible, the reason why I treat him so well.. And now I know the answer. I dont really know why.. but I know that I am just so happy when I see the broken him feel loved, and touched to see the little boy behind the strong headed him, so easily contented. So, are these feelings for him? I used to think that liking someone is when you miss that person a lot when he's not around and you yearn for his presence so much because he just makes you so happy and appreciated, and you want to do the same for him. But why has it gotten so complex now? :(

In fact, I dont mind being drained by attempts of letting him believe in love once again (if he ever did in this case), but is this worth my efforts, with knowing that I might risk getting hurt if I developed deep feelings for him one day? :( if I was certain of my feelings towards him, I will definitely not give in before fighting for him to allow me into his life. Or maybe im overestimating my capabilities. Maybe Im not the one who can change him. So should I then decisively friendzone us and just wait for another girl whom he may meet in the future, the one meant to enter his life to make this difference? Sigh. Disheartening. 

Oh wells, maybe I have never liked him too. Like what my sis said, his presence in my life is to allow me to realize that E is not the one for me, but it doesnt necessarily mean that he is the one for me. Same goes for me, maybe my presence in his life is to make him feel loved and restore his trust towards friendships and relationships again, but it doesnt necessarily mean that im the one for him either. I dont know how this can happen but it does make some kinda sense. So maybe when he meets the right one, my job of making him feel loved is done and it's time to pass it on to the girl to give him all the love that he deserves? Haha, just like Nanny McPhee yea?
"When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I have to go."

As for E, you couldve just let me know the truth you know. Trust. Have you forgotten that Im different from other girls? But anyway, I've learnt to let go. Wish I can find my happiness soon too! Alright. Study, girl. You already scored full marks for stats exam 1. You cannot let the other mods pull your efforts down! Jiayou in biopsy and dev psy!!

Dont worry, and be happy! Smile! :D

E. He's attached. Officially. And most probably back with the ex gf. I am not feeling any sense of sadness but still, his weaseling away turns me off. He told our mutual friend that he would talk to me to explain things, yet he chose to hide away. And did he hide the fb to do with my individually on his timeline too? Does this mean that I am a perceived threat? Oh wells, if u happen to see this one day, I wish u happiness anyway :)

On a side note, I realize how therapeutic a blog can be. Haha. What a great creation. Okay yup anyway, I wanted to pass him the letter with the sketch yesterday. But I dont know what caused the sudden change of mood to feeling like being left alone, and so, I failed to pass it to him once again. Sigh. B, sometimes I really wish to sing u this song.. But every now and then, I am confused by my feelings towards u. At times feeling so simply happy with u around, at other times feeling super lack of romance.. :(


That's When I Love You -- Aslyn
When you have to look away
When you dont have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly

And when you're mad cuz you lost a game
Forget Im waiting in the rain
Baby i love you,
I love you anyway

Heres my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you, no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
Thats when I love you
I love you a little more each time

And when you cant quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
Thats when I love you
I love you, more than youll know

And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway

Heres my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

Thats when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what


So anyway, as I plunged into the stone and feel-like-being-left-alone mood, I headed home and sat at the playground at blk 419, enjoying the serenity of the night. And guess what. Something special happened to me.

"As I sat alone quietly at the playground with ice-cream n cup noodles in my hands, I noticed two groups of boys slacking around too. One boy came near n I became wary n conscious. But as he opened his mouth, he said, "ure my sister's friend right? Why are u here alone? Are u okay? If there's anything we're just there". I realized he's my neighbor whom I have nv spoken to.. Yet the concern. N as he left with his friends, he said "u sure ure okay? Dnt go home too late ya?"

Simple actions, yet heartwarming.. :')"

Haha. Felt damn touched. The beauty of humanity. :) And what's more, someone whom I havent been talking to.. Actually bothered to specially text me just to show his concern upon seeing my fb post. Real sweet. Babi, u never fail to hit my soft spot. Thank u. It means so much :) And liqin, sam, wan. Thanks for showing ur concern too. Im actually quite lucky arent I? :) on top of that, having met a senior on the bus back home, seeing his cheeky and happy smile while I got pranked, all these totally made my day :)

Anyway, went to have my dental check up yesterday. Yayness for my road to a beautiful smile! :B

Dear diary,

B. In hope to do something sweet for him in return, I actually wrote him a letter together with a sketch, replying to his long whatsapp message. 

But something is holding me back. I notice Im unable to treat him like how I did before, without any guards put up. I used to be able to do sweet things for him purely to make him happy as a friend. But now, even though I kept mentioning "friends" but I cant help to think that the action is already something more than just friends, isnt it? Am I doing too much? Am I in denial? Troubled. :( dont know what I want too. Should I or should I not give it to him? :( so wanna go to the mega playground with him though.

And the guy who has been waiting for me for years.. Confessed once again. Troubled. Deeply troubled. :( I dont wish to hurt his vulnerable heart. But I know myself. I wont be able to see him that way.. as a romantic partner. :(

On top of that, Im pretty stressed up by the decision of whether or not to join cheerleading. Should I or should I not continue with it? They need so much commitment. Though I really enjoy the sport, but Im so afraid of the heavy commitment. :( HOWWWW. What should I do?

So in love with this song. 

Haha. Memories.. Feel like going the extra mile for someone again.. This time round, someone who deserves much more.

What a beautiful song.. Makes one feel so much like falling in love again.. :)

 

By my side -- David Choi

I'm just listening to the clock go ticking
I am waiting as the time goes by
I think of you with every breath I take
I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine
You're all I see in everything

I just wanna hold you
I just wanna kiss you
I just wanna love you all my life
I normally wouldn't say this but I just can't contain it
I want you here forever right here by my side

All the fears you feel inside
And all the tears you've cried
They're ending right here
I'll heal your hardened soul
I'll keep you oh so close
Don't worry; I'll never let you go
You're all I need
You're everything

I just wanna hold you
I just wanna kiss you
I just wanna love you all my life
I normally wouldn't say this but I just can't contain it
I want you here forever right here by my side

No one else would ever do
I've got a stubborn heart for you
Call me crazy but it's true
I love you
I didn't think that it would be you who made it clear to me
You're all I need

I just wanna hold you
I just wanna kiss you
I just wanna love you all my life
I normally wouldn't say this but I just can't contain it
I want you here forever right here by my side

OKAY TIME TO STUDY. JIAYOU HUANG WEILING!!!

Hi diary, Im sosososososo happy right now. And I guess no words can describe my level of euphoria this moment. Thank u GYNN for your blessings. B finally approached me and we're back to how we were in the past. So there there, I finally understood the reason why he was avoiding me. So it has nothing to do with being scared of anything. Phew. He's such a sweet little thing :) and all I wanna say is.. U never know how lucky I feel I am to have met u. The long msg, the shy way u spoke to me about ur dream, and the dream itself, will be one of the sweetest memories I have of u that will always stay at a special place in my heart. They say sometimes we'll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory. And that we only learn to cherish the presence of someone when they are gone. I feel so lucky u had tt dream. Otherwise I think I would have lost u forever.. Most importantly, thanks for being such a special someone to me. Im actually kinda confused over my feelings for you. Sometimes u really do make me feel that ure such a different guy though.. Oh wells.

E. U were checked into SCAPE today, helping out at her booth. And back then, I was hoping u could just appear after my event since u couldn't accompany me throughout and u said u could look for me after the event instead. Yet, u didn't even mention this thought again on that day and I returned home, upset. U noticed I looked sad the day after and u were so sorry and scared. U said u would definitely appear the next time and hearing that, I was touched. But look what happened thereafter. Actions speak louder than words isn't it? So I see, that is how much I meant. And yet, it was another person who accompanied and was there for me the entire day without any expectations of return. He even spoke for u.. How disappointing is that.

And I so miss that person right now. B.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now (wait)
Ooo, baby, I need you now

JIAYOU JIAYOU for biopsy, developmental psy, and stats!!

Waited for nana at the playground with a swing by her house yesterday. And I was reminded of you.. B.

I miss you. 你是我的幸福吗？

总是相信有更好的，

会在前方，
就不顾一切的飘洋过海去，
用尽一生寻找

倦了累了渴望拥抱，
却找不到，
才忽然想起你还在我身后，
静静等着我，给我依靠

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人如此忧郁，
爱情渐渐模糊，
你的付出，
我总不够清楚

你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人变得忧郁，
我爱你不再怀疑，
只想对你说，我愿意..

Sososososo glad that jiejie and mummy are alright now.. Thanks for those who listened to me and were by my side.. GYNN, wan, nana, P, amir and B :) u guys mean so much.