If only graciousness was worth more than time and money..

Dear diary,

Everything has actually been going on an uphill for me. No doubt there were emotional rough patches at times, but the good definitely outweighed the bad. I'm still feeling super thankful for how B has gotten out of his negativity state when he was grieving over his mom, and turned out to be super supportive and tries his best to be around for me. Not that I am unempathetic. I think I was just feeling down and conflicted because I think I do understand his pain and find that his feelings are definitely valid, but I just really needed him to pull himself together to move forward to be there for me.

Anyway, it's just that my own emotions have been a whole whirlwind. And having to cope with work stresses, the uncertainty that this life transition is gonna bring, feeling suler unprepared for the big changes that are coming, and also struggling with physical changes and limitations of my body, it just makes me so overwhelmed, scared, and frustrated. Especially having limitations like fatigue that makes me feel that my energy is beyond negative, and I just have no mood to do anything at all. It just makes me feel so frustrated. Also having to deal with super uncomfortable swollen feet and an exploding belly they weighs like a battle tank, I just can't. And I'm losing it. I can't really bend, I can't really squat nor kneel without feeling like my feet is gonna tear apart. And I feel like there's constantly a rock on my stomach, weighing me down physically and emotionally.

Don't get me wrong. I'm actually really looking forward to finally meeting baby girl, a little life that B and I actually created. It just feels so magical. But at the same time I think I just really can't be overly happy with these limitations that's causing me so much discomfort and emotional turmoil. I really don't know how. It's just immense and overwhelming. Kinda feel helpless too. Really need some comfort. But idk what could give me the most comfort right now. Maybe I just really miss the feeling of liberation.

Well, at least after crying and letting everything out here, I'm feeling much better already. And having my cats hang around me, it definitely brings an inexplicable kind of comfort.

Till then,

Me

Dear diary,

It's me again. So emotional again today. Is it really just the pregnant hormones or is it normal to feel such anxiety and surge of emotions just before the arrival of a baby?

I'm feeling so upset too, and dreading the whole thought of not having time and energy for myself and losing the intimacy and connection I have with him after bbg is born.

Today I was just feeling so emotional over the thought of us not having enough intimacy and passion already, and what scared me more was the reality check that we are left with not much time before a huge third wheel comes into our lives. Not complaining but fact check - we already have reduced privacy and space ever since his dad came to stay with us, so shouldn't we cherish those days where we have time for two of us even more?

Idk what's really up with me. Don't get me wrong. I'm very appreciative and grateful of everything that I have, that he is willing to do for me, and how much I know he cares for me. It's just that I really miss being in love with him.

Holy shit. Why am I crying so much?

Ironically, I'm feeling so thankful that bbg is accompanying me through these feelings.

Love,

Me

dear diary,

i am honestly so scared of the arrival of bbg. not just because idk what to expect for the delivery process (i have been hearing stories and it sounds like a super scary and painful process), but also if i am able to cope with the life transition. the added roles and responsibilities, the expectations, the uncertainty. the fear that i will lose my indepdence and freedom in other areas of life as i probably would just devote everything to bringing her up.

there are still so many things that i wanna do. to achieve and to experience. i hope i dont ever lose these. and i hope my sanity will be kept in check. i hope that i can stay anchored. stay grounded to my principles, my values, my motivations, my goals.

i can only take a step at a time. and always remember to love myself.

love, me.

i am so upset. And idk why i am so upset.

i mean.. i know i feel sad that the spider that has been staying with us has been here for some days (maybe weeks?), but just with 1 flush in the toilet bowl by him, and the spider is gone, just like this. i feel so sad for the spider, but idk why i feel so sad that i just wanna cry. and i dont feel like talking. animals and insects die all the time. and i kill ants too. but idk why im just so sad for this spider. maybe because it has survived well in our house for some time? and then it's gone just in an instant?

i need to get this out here because if i told anyone about it, no one will understand. sorry spider.

Stupid stupid stupid. Sometimes men are just plain stupid. Dumb dumb dumb. And brain of a square. Also taking goodwill for granted. Why shojld i spoonfeed u like a little child? Should just let u taste the consequences for your lack of effort. Ugh annoying. Annoying annoying annoying.

Breathe breathe breathe. Cool down, get distracted. And just sleep. Not worth my time.

I'm so stressed. So frustrated. So angry. So upset. So unhappy. 

I'm turning 32 in 2 days' time and I don't feel happy at all. It's been such a trying year. It's been such a tiring year. And it' the saddest birthday of my life.

Dear God, when are you gonna give me a break? I know I do make mistakes but this is just too much shit to take in. I can be strong but I am so tired.

I miss my mum and dad.

Updates (31 Dec)

Things are much better. More at peace. I thank whoever is up there for making life more at ease for me. Thank you. At least I have the mental capacity to feel better and self care for a bit now. I feel mentally lighter. And there are days I feel happier. Thank you. Always rem to love yourself.

Dear diary, 

I dont know how long I can take this. It's getting too much for my mental state. 

I wish I can just run away to a happy and worryless place. I wish to just hide and not face anyone or anything. 

Why am I being punished for something I did not even do at all? Why am I giving up so much of my wellbeing to fulfill that of his? I love him but that's a little too much isn't it? I keep thinking of what Rebecca posted on IG about emotional tanks of children. "If we were to fill their emotional tank, then who is to fill ours?" It is so relatable. If I keep filling his tank, then who is to fill mine?

I'm so sandwiched. I really don't feel like talking to him or engaging him. Doesn't mean that I don't love him. I do. I'm just tired of all these shit. All these negativity. My emotional tank is almost empty.

Signing off,

Me

Dear diary,

It's so tough. If God is testing my strength, am I not strong enough yet?

It is tough trying to lift my loved one up, while fighting with the longing for my interests. 

How can I do this? I love him but I do have my own tank to fill. It's heartbreaking to see him wallow in sadness and anger all the time. And tiring for me to face that negativity and idealistic expectations all the time. Also, I can't be running on an empty tank right?

Please grant me wisdom and the fighting spirit. To help me pull through this.

Thank u.

Weiling

Weiling