A love letter to you.

Thank you Lord. My heart is full of gratitude. I pause...worry enters my head and a small voice stills me in my steps. Don't worry. Am I not in your future? Do I not hold all things together? Is your best interest not my first thought this morning?

I'm surrounded by your love. It sometimes BOOMS. Once upon a time your whispers came to me and as I bent over aching in emotional torrents I was glad, though wrestling, to even then know how you cared for me.

Boom. This is My love letter to you.

I AM HERE. I am involved in every intricate part of your life. Don't think for a moment that your life is by chance or that you have some kind of control over things. You will be okay. I Am Making You Okay. I took care of you and will continue to care for you.

Don't get ahead of yourself. You do that by worry or by arranging things in life to support your cause--even a good cause with good intentions can be a road block to me. Be attentive to me, today...I am your Today. Your portion today is what you've been given. You are responsible for what you know Today. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing. In the end, my relationship with you is what matters most. Raise your children. Focus on them. Relationships will develop, blossom and mature even if I have to bring them to your doorstep. Your limitations as a mommy are not my limitations. I am limitless. My love and care for your most personal needs are not set in with boundaries. As your stay focused on the Little Important Things in your life, opportunity will present itself--I'm going to develop you from within the four walls of your house. I am developing an awareness of my presence.
I desire you to see me in all circumstances and all friendships. Not by your power, but Mine.

As I prick your conscious when you speak out of turn about someone or something, take it as a tender learning moment. I discipline the ones I love. If you're willing to take the time to listen...to read Truth, to practice the fruits of the spirit, then you will not only experience my love, but you will feel my discipline as well. Your heart will begin to burden at your sin. If you keep on, you will see piercing moments in your marriage that show your selfishness...and if you're willing, I will give you the strength to grow in those areas. I will surround you with love. But if you begin to take too much notice of your blessing and take any credit, then your tenderness towards me will surely and very slowly begin to fade.

Keep quiet. Be silent. You are on earth. I AM in heaven. Watch as I do my best. Take no credit. Let humility silence your lips. When your flesh cries out "I'm here too!" then I will lovingly remind you of my greatest desire to see you thrive in my care but not with pride. This is My love letter to you.

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Continued thoughts from the wife of a newly employed husband.

Although I have journaled all my life, I have been particularly busy in the pages of my journals this past one year since beginning our journey of many new things. I'm going to continue with my focus on unemployment coming from the perspective of a wife. I may use journal entries from the last eight months, such as now, or add new thoughts that come up along the way.
So in continuation from the last post, I found a journal entry that explains another aspect of unemployment.

It is a humbling journey but confusing as well. Really confusing at times, especially when in your heart of hearts you are trying to do the right thing even in spite of your human limitedness.

May 21st, 2012 explains more.
"My depth of relationships with other women are evolving and I'm seeing new ones evolve. Things change, ebb and flow all around me. It's change, and it's good. But You, You remain the same. Your faithfulness surpasses all other relationships that I know. At the same time, You are a mystery. Finding you. Knowing you. I continue praying and asking and am almost certain that you're going to give an unbelievable gift. Following your instruction to pray without ceasing, to believe you are all power, that your reign surpasses all other rulers and authorities, that with clean hands and a pure heart you will give your children good gifts especially when asked for. It's YOU who says that a pure heart--a heart of good intentions, a heart seeking the things of God, will find answers. And it's YOU who says that your faithful children--those who desire to seek justice and love God, will not be disappointed. YOU say these things. And yet, door after door closes, doors that would have led to confidence in the work force and confidence even more so in my husband himself. So why won't you give this good thing? Confidence at work is good. Why won't you show yourself faithful? Why don't you want to use us?!?

You WILL DO A GOOD WORK. This I know. But Your path, the one you have chosen for us, is unlike in any way the path we would have chosen. Your ways are higher than ours. So much higher than mine. I do not come at you with pride Lord, none known to me. I come with clean hands. I come with passionate pursuit of an answer to prayer. I believed in my DEPTHS that my heart was good and that right intentions would open doors. But doors remain closed.

Your Kingdom rule is different then the worlds rule. Your status is different than the worlds status. I'm learning this the hard way. Isaiah 29:16 "You turn things upside down as if the potter were thought to be like the clay." Who am I to question you? I am humbled. You have humbled us. My cup is not dry and though I question, my faith holds fast.
Micah 7:7 "But as for me, I will watch in hope for the Lord. I will wait for God my Savior, my God will hear me."

I think I'm confused, about God, about prayer about right intentions, BUT THIS I KNOW:
1. My life isn't about me.
2. My life is meant for his glory.
3. God's rule differs vastly from the rulers of this world. His say doesn't even need to go through the board. What He says, goes.
4. I have a raging battle in my mind that I have to fight. And I have a responsibility to battle for my husband as well (more to come on that). I do that through the toughest means I know, prayer.
5. Over and over again scripture speaks specifically to God' people. And to the faithful walking in step with Him, blessing follows. It's very simple (I'm very specific with references in other journal entries but note for now that this statement does not imply blessing of riches).
6. Over and over again I also see that God blesses, He gives, He offers Himself and He speaks, and it's all for His very own exclusive glory. The reason anyone advances or receives gifts is strictly and souly and totally for His fame and to point humankind to Himself."

(here ends my journal entry dated two months back).

These struggles are proof to me that struggle is GOOD, and that God's work is not hindered by our very human confusion, complaining and question asking. We see clearer, of course, now that Ben is employed (though still part time). But as I said to a friend the other day, "We're not out of the woods yet." Then I paused, "But are we really ever?"

To be continued, on that thought...

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Thoughts from the wife of a newly employed husband

If we were to sit side by side and share a pot of 12-cup Mr. Coffee, we might muse for a while about the kids and how our parents are doing. But inevitably the question would come up, "What's it like for you, personally, with a newly employed husband? How are you feeling what are you thinking?"

I would sigh. Ah yes, a great big sigh and smile. I would say, thank you. We are happy to be working for a group who believes that Ben's God-given talents and work ethic and his big smart brain will contribute, add and enhance their goals and visions. God has given us a gift, and we are only responsible for what we know today and so for that we say thank you, Heavenly Father, for this gift.

Sometimes all you can say is thank you. Sometimes the end result isn't as triumphant as imagined because the journey has been long and arduous and you've worked very hard during the journey to be positive and faithful in the small things. As I wrote in my journal in May, "There are undercurrents going on. While expecting a monumental moment, we are instead seeing a slow and steady evolution of a building plan. We take it one step at a time. We move as the Lord does. As He leads we move forward. Slow...but steady. Shaky, but steady." And so when the job is found, you sigh, smile, and rather than a fist pump, you simply say....thank you. Thank you.

After getting a coffee warm-up, I'd share that while it's very exciting to be ironing my husbands work shirts (okay that's a lie. I despise ironing), there is a certain humility that comes with employment after months of seeking out work, rejection, hope disappointed, hope resurfacing and the general up and down of the journey. We don't take anything for granted. We know that the gifts we've been given to use in the work force aren't to advance our personal gain whatsoever. What was proven over and over again along this journey is that we really aren't that important and it would be wise to keep it that way. This isn't about us.

What it is about, is the glory of God and keeping in step with Him. From the start of our journey and interceding for my husband, I told Lord that we were open to whatever path He might choose for us. For us, for now, the path leads us to remain in Portland, near family and near community we love, near the campus where Ben works from, and so on. These are gifts as simple as that. All we can say is thank you.

(to be continued)...
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Wrestling in the muck.

The closer you come to Christ, the sharper the contrast becomes between the things of God and the things of this world and our sinful nature. As you see your Lord more and more in all things-- the rising sun, your conversations and daily interactions, intimacies between friends and family, you will be forced to face your biases, your pride, and your ideas of how things "ought" to be. And most likely, the people affected by these biases most, will be your loved one--your husband, your children, brothers and sisters. So then, you must rise again to His graces and acknowledge the double-edge sword of spiritual intimacy with Christ. Because the deeper you go with Christ, the more sin in yourself is revealed, the more grace you must accept for yourself, the more you must give to others.

But if you miss it--if you remain totally aware of the sinful nature of your loved ones and community, you will keep yourself in a state of gracelessness and that double-edge sword will wound the ones you love the most. So press on. It is not an easy thing to do, but press on nonetheless. Blessing follows closely at the heals of those who are willing to wrestle through such things.

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Shed this skin.

Lord, my heart is good. My heart aches to display your glory but it is more than I seem able to do. I want to shed this human skin and put on your own. And yet my flesh speaks for itself, and so loudly! It screams for my attention. Your voice is drowned out in spite of my best efforts. Sometimes I actually do the right thing and I have to leave the results in your hands. I question myself...my motives are good, my heart is right as I stand before you, and yet I know that because we are still bound to earth my humanness will get in the way. And so I need your grace to cover those moments. Argh! Oh Holy Spirit I am weak and stained. I am asking for your covering, for I know that in the shadow of your wings I find rest and strength. I desire to keep refining these sharp edges. Oh Lord! I know you wish to rid me of qualities that keep me from you and keep others from experiencing your love as well. Shed this skin. It's just a blanket for my earthly life. Do not hesitate to bring up my weaknesses, but if and when you do, do not dare to leave my side because I cannot take on the strength of the sinful nature without your presence. My heart is good Lord. But standing in your presence I see that even my best efforts are stained. Shed my skin, this earthly, stained skin.

Sunday Mornings

Good morning Sunday morning. I know my day already. I know the kids haven't slept in and we'll have a good four hours before church and I always struggle with filling the time, Sunday mornings. But we have great community so it's always nice to see that "family" on Sunday morning. I know family members are coming over this afternoon... That'll be nice, and then a few hours later time will stand still as we remember a friend at his memorial. Your Word brings Light and Life into these places and shadows of life. You bring meaning to loss even though loss itself cannot be understood. This verse is taped to my journal that takes up my morning thoughts. Psalm 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." It would be wise not to continue my day without the Word of God bringing meaning to meaningless and sense into senselessness. My flesh is strong and I am capable of endless sinful acts and thoughts some of which my family members feel the sharpest. But His word gives that direct and that life. I am eager to know my Savior. I am eager to know the power of His resurrection and what that power is all about. Life most certainly isn't about me. Psalm 5:1-3 "Give ear to my words oh Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning o Lord you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my request before you and wait in expectation."

The day is over. My husband is driving home after an afternoon doing one his favorite favorites, sailing. Persuaded by a friends invitation he headed out to sea (the gorge) just after lunch to set sail and conquer the water that is only as tame as the men at sea allow it to be. Tonight he will sleep well because he worked hard in the sun and probably did a little bit of sweating. He will sleep well because his God given desire to provide for our family was included when he said Yes, to sailing today. A refreshed husband is a good thing. But even better is a husband whose face is a bit sunburned and his hands a bit blistered from the rough and tumble of manning a boat with a friend. Sleep well.