Dear Friends,
I have contemplated for days as to whether I should do this. Alright I have
decided, it is only responsible for me to do this. This letter is addressed
to all my friends who are concerned about me and wish to have updates of my
current progress. Please bear with me as this letter might be terribly long, so
I warn you first! Just take it that I am right now talking to you (imagine my voice loh. haha)... this makes up for the months of not talking to my friends and responding to them. Why did I decide to do this? Owe it to cheng, whom I met
coincidentally at yishun on a Friday night for this decision to talk to
everyone here. Now dun start blaming her okay! I should probably be thankful to
her because if not for her I wouldnt know that my friends read my blog. When
this fellow yishunion told me that every one of my psych girls read my blog
here, I was both shocked and lost for words. I didnt expect anyone to know that
I keep a blog (I didnt leave my address on facebook or other forms of social
media, so it's puzzling) especially not the psych girls. Then again, it is easy
to find that out via the world wide web. This blog is an avenue for me to pen
down my life events, both negative and positive and my emotions associated with
them. Thus when cheng told me that, I am utterly surprised because I abandoned
you girls first. I chose to shun myself from everyone, well almost everyone, so
I didnt expect people to still want to find out about me here.
There are still two people that I meet nowadays though. One is breadman and
the other I'll not mention here for privacy's sake. You might grumble, why
Breadman? Isnt that being selective? Sadly speaking, yes, I am biased. I am
somehow more inclined to opening up to him because I thought we share a special
connection and I thought he knows me best at this present juncture of my life.
Now, friends, please do not
ask him anything about my progress if you happen to bump into him anywhere.
Leave the poor man alone. He is already too tormented at work, so do not bring
him more misery by asking him about me okay? Talking to cheng after not seeing
her for the last one year plus (my last appearance in school was in April 2012) was both a strange, awkward, yet joyful experience. It was
really a concoction of emotions that I felt during the mere few minutes of
conversation with her. Nervous, jittery, awkward, joyful, fear and anticipation.
Now you know how complex men are.
Now friends, why have I stopped replying to everyone, stopped being active
on facebook (which used to be my fave platform) stopped meetups and visits to
my home totally? Let me tell you why...
It's simple. I am both Pavlov's and Seligman's dog.
I stopped meeting people totally
(except for the two I mentioned earlier) as of August 2012. Before that, I
still pushed myself for meetups even though I was physically tormented by this
strange illness. So why the sudden change? A few events attributed to it. Back
then, I met up with a group of friends for lunch at yishun as I was still
having dizzy spells then and couldnt travel far. I told them this and everyone
were understanding. We met, we ate, we talked just like normal days. Then
someone said: who suggested coming to yishun? This place is darn boring. Next
time go other places. Although this comment is unintentional and probably
harmless, but it gets into me because people had to accommodate to me to lunch
at yishun as I was not up to travelling far. They could have gone to a more
interesting place if they had not met me. On another date with another group of
friends, again for lunch, we went to a place and ordered a few dishes to share.
As I cannot eat spicy, fried and even chilled stuff, so I ordered a plate of
bland fish slices to pair with my rice. The rest ordered some spicy food and
meat. I dun really mind not being able to eat the food they ordered (cuz it's
actually meant for sharing), but what bugs me most is when I see them sharing
all the other dishes amongst themselves. No one ate my bland fish slices. I had
to finish it myself. I offered it but no one took it. You may feel that it's
really no big deal and they are probably trying to let me eat the fish as that's
the only dish I can eat. But you arent me, you will not know it unless
you have experienced it. It's the kind of feeling when others are treating you
differently. Why can they share their food but not mine? Is mine contaminated?
Am I too toxic? I know I am sensitive during this period, I still am. But it's
all these small small events that snowballed to a huge one. At yet another
lunch date with a friend, she grumbled as to why I ate so slow cuz she wants to
walk around the shopping mall. Please people, I eat slowly because I choked
easily on my food because of those bumps in my throat. Thus I chew my food for
the longest time. You think I like to eat slowly and let everyone wait? Try
being me for one day and that might shut you up.
You may feel: Huh? Only like that then you choose not to meet people ah? Yep. To u it's "only like that", to me it's "LIKE THAT." Again, these are just passing
comments and notably harmless or unintentional, but when someone who is tormented by sickness
hears it, the negativity amplifies. Even though I know not all my friends are
like that, I think I wouldnt dare to take chances. Once bitten twice shy. I do
not want others to feel unhappy just because they have to accommodate to me. If
you are meeting me, you die die have to eat chinese food or soupy food, so why
do you have to do that if that's not what you want in the first place?
Back then, my diet was even more strict. No noodles, no bread or anything
too starchy because my bloating was really terrible back then. For a period of
time, I only ate home cooked food because outside food was too oily. So eating
with me is really torturous. And when I am out, sometimes I'll get lightheaded
and will turn pale suddenly, then I'll need a seat. So why should I subject my
friends to such torture? I do not want to inconvenient people. That's all how
it started... it all started with lunches. Not just mere lunches though, they are social situations in disguise.
Haha... That's when I started going
out alone, doing things at my own pace, can rest when I am unwell. You may
argue otherwise that this social isolation is not good. You need to see the
world! I am a psychology student as well, of course I know the ill effects of
social isolation. However, I disagree that I am socially isolated. I still talk
to people, my neighbours, my family, two of my friends, my tcm doctor, random
people who leave comments on my blog. I keep myself abreast of news, current
affairs and entertainment news. Social support is important and I gather that
most from my family. So, I reiterate that I am definitely not socially
isolated. I am not living the life of a social recluse. I am comfortable with
my coping style now. Probably you might disagree, but that's fine. Meeting up with
people will only add on to my misery because I will only hear stories of your
working life, which I really look forward to since my internship days, but
unable to realise it currently due to my poor health. This will then make me
engage in upward comparison (so and so just got promoted, so and so is going on
an overseas worktrip blah blah). Overtime it will spiral and I'll be stuck
in this vicious cycle. You may argue that your work lives are not that
good and you are slogging away. Well, given a choice, I would rather overtime
everyday or quarrel with my colleagues instead of being sick and feeling worthless.
Some people asked me why I am sick, but the fact is, I also want to know the answer. I just happened to go on this damned overseas trip to macau and china on 31st Dec 2011. Fell sick on 1st Jan 2012 when I couldnt swallow and my stomach bloating is as bad as hell. I was suffering during the whole trip and the thing I looked forward most was home. Mom's theory was that the cold temperatures got into me and is trapped in my body. I dunno the validity of her theory but I just know that I am someone who cant tolerate even the air con la. The temperature was 12 or 13 degrees back then I think. I wore three layers to sleep, with my hands holding on to a heat pack, when I was in the hotel on the first night, but I was shivering non stop. I even switched off the aircon but it didnt help. Then next morning I cant eat and I was feeling light headed already. I Then after that back in Singapore I discovered that I had a 7cm left ovarian cyst, which I took medicine for a while and it thankfully disappeared. Then the red bumps in throat start to appear and my numbness too. That's how I became really sick. Then hospitalized and the scary drug allergy in which I thought that was the end of me. Seriously, when you have no control over your muscles, you really feel that you are dying slowly...At my lowest point when I couldnt eat much of the food given to me, only two mouthfuls the most, I literally felt like dying. I went through the stages of grief. I was in denial. This cant be happening to me. I cant be sick. I must be dreaming. This must be a nightmare, my hallucination. Not now. I still want to work, I am at the peak of my life. Why me? Why me? I was really angry. My life was good before I fell sick, I was almost graduating from school, was in a good relationship with breadman, had good friends and family. So why me? Bargaining settled in when I pleaded for good health every single day and night... I'll overtime everyday...I'll take low pay.. I'll work on weekends.. I wont be rude anymore. I wont make fun of people. I wont do this, I wont do that, just give me back my health again. When bargaining didnt help, I was literally shattered. Everyday I was pleading.. but each brand new day I feel the symptoms again. I was on the verge of breaking down. I contemplated suicide because I didnt want to live my life like that when everyone is still enjoying their lives.The furthest I got was when I even wrote down my will and saved it on my computer.. Haha... but then months later I deleted it. I have no assets la. Why need a will? The only reason why I am still around is because I know I shouldnt succumb to my illness. Why should I act like a cowardice? A psychology graduate shouldnt be like that. Plus, I havent worked in the social services sector yet, why should I end my life just because I am sick? Then slowly I came into terms with it. I tell myself that I'll just do what I can now.
During that dark period, I was googling for my symptoms and searching for answers. I still try to go out, but people kept saying I lost weight and looked pale. These comments got into me and I was really miserable during that period. I am already feeling very much lousy, I seriously do not need anyone to give me comments. The most absurd comment I heard was that I was probably suffering from anorexia, hence not eating much. Please la, for someone who loves food like me, even if the whole world suffers from anorexia, I wouldnt be one of them. Other versions were that I was out of love, gone crazy, feigning illness while trying to stay off work. Please la, if that's true, then feigning illness has got to be the greatest sacrifice i have done in my life because I have to stop myself from attending my own convocation, miss out from taking photos with my frens and profs, make my parents feel so disappointed because I couldnt go up on stage even when i haf the tickets. Do you think this is very much likely the case for a ultra vain pot like me who loves to show off, take photographs and post on facebook and who would pretty much like to announce to the whole world that I have graduated? If yes is your answer, then I am fine with it too because that meant the months and years of friendship have gone to waste because I didnt know I have such a bad character and am such a good actress. I used to be really upset when people say untrue stuff about me...oops correction.. I am still upset now when people say I am pretending to be sick because I know that's not the case. But I know my true friends will believe me and stay by my side. Now I try to take things in my stride and not let these worthless comments get into me.
So about my current employment update, I am currently working from home as
an editorial assistant under a publishing company. My main duties include copy
editing, the details I shall not disclose because I have signed a contract. I also use a
computer too as I need to update the forms and to email them to the respective
editors when the editing for each book is done. The books I edit are local
primary school textbooks and workbooks. I do not get
to work everyday though. It is based on projects. So I'll get really busy when
there are projects, then break, then busy again. The intervals are around 1 to
2 weeks. I just completed my project one week ago and have submitted it so now
I am free again. You may question, if you are ready to work, why not try out a
full time job? I havent recovered yet, only recovered about 40 % but I think I
can do some work at home at my own pace and rest if I need to, this is already
a vast improvement to the past, when I just spent time being sick. Now I
spent time doing some work and being sick. I dun think my boss will like me very
much if I take sick leave regularly right? Hence, the decision to seek
freelance employment currently. I will do more when my body is more up to it.
Besides working, I kill time by doing things I like such as reading, cooking,
doodling, exercising and spending time with dad. If you still think I am idling
at home and wasting my Psychology degree away, that's fine with me, because I
have done my part and I can answer for myself.
Now my health updates: To sum up, checks have found out that my spine is
drying up. Dessication. I have a 0.5 cm breast cyst on my left breast.
Need to go back for checks in Dec this year for breast.
Symptoms on Jan 2012: Lightheadedness, chills on hands and feet
but head feels hot, rotten itchy lips that produce sticky fluids at my lip
corners, stomach bloating, blood red gums, positional related numbness
(numbness within a minute of sitting down. Ass numb. Legs numb, hands numb. I
get relieve when i change positions), pus filled bumps in throat that makes it
difficult for me to swallow, constipation (only go toilet 1 to 2 times per
week). 8 symptoms.
Symptoms on 15 July 2013: Reduced lightheadedness ( used to get
it 24/7 and my head feels like it's flying off when I turn it or bend down, but
now I get it just 2 to 3 times per week), chills on hands and feet but head
feels hot, lips still rot maybe once a month but I rarely see the sticky fluid
now when it acts up (prob the anti fungal cream the doctor prescribed works),
stomach bloating gone but my stomach makes noises every night, bubbly watery
noises but that's fine cuz no stomach discomfort, blood red gums, positional
related numbness ( I learn to accept this too because I can just change my
positions quickly), pus filled bumps in throat that makes it difficult for me
to swallow, constipation slightly alleviated, can go to toilet 3 to 4 times per
week now. Still 7 symptoms. But my stomach healed up close to 80%, now
only left with the watery noises. Stomach better means can eat better means you
will see me fattening up again. Before I fell sick, I was 60 kg. When I fell
sick, my weight plummeted to 53.5 kg at its lowest, now I gained back a little,
am 56.5 kg now.
So, based on my symptoms, my discomfort level has decreased slightly hence
the reason why I can go out more these days. From going out one hour, to three hours, half a
day, now I can go out for one full day. But I cant do that everyday too, only
on my good days when my head dun feel like flying off. Actually my symptoms
only improved this year in January 2013, when my stomach issues resolved almost
completely. I hope I can be fine really soon because I cant wait to work.
Social services sector, please wait for me! I promise I'll be one hardworking
worker okay!
Anyway friends, I havent forgotten any single one of you yet. I might not reply to text messages, but I do read every single one of them. I may not give you birthday wishes, but I do remember it's your birthday because I am still stalking each and everyone of you on my supposedly dead facebook. Haha. Scary right? Why dun I respond? Because, I am tired of answering to these questions that everyone asks me when I bump into them on the streets, or through SMSes, whatsapp messages, LINE messages. FYI, I have no data connection, hence no 3G network, which is why I still use smses pretty much these days. The typical questions that I get are: How are you now? Got a job? At first I do reply, but after a while it's vexing when people keep on asking me how am I when in fact I am still feeling like shit. I know it's genuine concern shown to me but there are times when I do not wish to receive concern. Covert forms of concern and attention is fine (just think of me in your heart, dun haf to tell me ok.... I can feel you hidden concern for me..) Overt kinds are not because they are just too much. I walk around my neighbourhood, my relatives see me, they ask these same old questions again. Everywhere I go, or even when I am at home, people call me or my mom to ask about me. It is just too much. I have reached the saturation point. I hope my psychology girls know what I am driving at.. I always feel that psychology peeps are more sensitive than normal people... haha.
Dear friends, I know you all love me, it's the same for me too, but right now is still not the time
for us to meet yet. Wait till I am all well and fine again and have secured a
more stable job, then it's time we meet. I need to be back on par with
everyone. Right now my inferiority complex is still at play because I am still
under par, I am only doing free lance work. You will hear from me when that day
comes. I promise I'll be back. So dun push me too hard now okay? I am slowly doing things as my body
slowly recovers. This recovery process is really darn slow, but I am better as
compared to 1 Jan 2012 (The dreadful day when I fell sick) when I was really so
seriously weak. I still love you all, for all those who still believe in me.
Alright, that's all for now. I may sound really grouchy while penning down this letter, but it really documents my feelings at present. Thank you for spending time to read this long
lengthy letter which I drafted for 5 days. I truly appreciate it.
Sincerely yours
Your friend who is not a social recluse
