have your cake and eat it ♥

So the recent discourse on one girl's comments "Singaporeans are weak? LOL" has sparked a flurry of outcry from a series of past and serving NSFs, NSmen and of course, not forgetting, selected women of the country.

I just finished reading a (fairly) long note by the OC of the NSF's sister platoon. To be honest, and hopefully fair, it is hard for a person who has not served to comment on the journey of NS. It is hard because first and foremost, the instinctive reaction is "you have not been through it, who are you to talk". It is hard because few girls can make a fair judgment as well, and even if they do, they fall under the judgment of the men who have served and more often than not, their opinions count for less.

Boys, men: you serve two years of your life for this country, it would be nice to have some gratitude in return. Yes, it would be nice to not be met with unappreciation. That is fair.  But the reality is that there are things you do, and have to do, that don't give you the recognition you think you should get, be it here, in work, or in life. I'm not saying the men of our country beg for recognition. I'm saying it should be given, their service should be appreciated, but the reality of the situation is that often it isn't enough. But appreciation cannot be forced and the real test I guess, to me, probably is- can you live with that? That there is resilience, if you can do something that you might not want to do, you do it well, and not get recognition for it and be okay with it. Not a test for NSFs or NSmen, but a test for life. We don't always get what we want. Truth. Sometimes you just gotta live with what you can get.

Girls, women: Sure, that two years is met with a slightly higher starting pay. But face it,  it doesn't happen in all sectors. Be fair. Few of you would want to serve two years if you had a choice. Its about two years of your life you will not get back. You're not in a really good position to speak about something you have not gone through, unless you can mellow it down and be partial about it. I think a lot more could be done when it comes to showing (yes, even if it has to come down to a matter of 'show') more appreciation.

But to the general public, it seems to be a simple situation. I doubt she meant what she said seriously. You know people shoot themselves in the foot every now and then. Is she representative of the general population? We don't really know. Benefit of the doubt then. From the previous generation, our army's training is different. With technology, the training has changed. Some could argue it has gone softer from previous days. Does that make Singaporeans weak?

What I do see however, is not an issue of whether our soldiers are weak, nor do we need people to step forth and defend them. The truth is that the definition of "guys" has changed. She is entitled to her view that Singaporeans are weak. And we probably are, in comparison to the previous generations. But "weak" is ultimately subjective. 

That (in no disrepect to the OC or anyone), whoever comments never truly has a view of the entire population of NSFs/NSmen, or a view of all Singaporeans. It isn't fair to say Singaporeans who serve are weak, nor is it fair to say they are not based on what you have seen. There will always be extremes and we should not be blowing this entire thing up and judging both ends of the population based on one incident and one comment (that may, or may not have been intended). As much as there will always be haters, there will also always be those who appreciate.

At the end of this whole thing, I really do think everyone needs to take a step back. The ultimate disclaimer I will make is that this is in the end my personal view, and perhaps I'm not qualified either to take a stand like this. That, is for you to judge. But at the end of the day, what we do need to remember is that there is a time and place for words and war. She may have made an error in judgment when she chose to make that comment in light of the events. But now is not the time to condemn her for her mistakes, nor bring the population of Singapore into an uproar over which gender has it worse, or what should or should not be done.

What we need to remember is that accidents happen. It could happen any day, any time, to any one of us. It does not make things easier for the family or friends of the deceased that people pass hurtful comments that people respond to and take everyone away from the crux of the incident, that because of an accident, someone has passed.

It means that in this event, we take a moment to forget our differences in opinion, because everyone is entitled to it (and we should know the time and place to voice or not voice it out). I personally feel that the online war of the words, the public voicing of opinion - and yes, perhaps I have fallen into this trap- just isn't in the right time.

Forget the opinions that could surface regarding the comment. Forget your differences because they'll always be there. But remember a man who passed due to an unfortunate event. Remember his family and friends who are still here, and who bear his loss on their shoulders. Remember that whatever you say could possibly hurt the loved ones of a man they just lost. Would you leave the memory of a man who was willing to give his life for his loved ones tainted by the lasting echoes of disagreement and personal retort after retort? Your differences can wait.

Knowing when to draw a sword and defend your men, your honour, your pride and reputation - and knowing when to hold back- that is strength in itself too.

Hop, stop but you can't turn back the clock ♥

Reading old posts, something I rarely ever do, made me realise how very far I've come from the person I was 2 years ago.

Never live your life with obligations - mantra for dating, same goes for life. But the truth is that no matter how you try, there will always be obligations because the world is a social construct and all our lives are intertwined with others at some point or other. Perhaps in this sense, my life goal is basically fulfilled. All we can ask for is to make a difference to someone else's life, no matter how small, to know that you've touched someone's heart. And maybe in just simple living, we've already done so.

Often the toughest questions have the simplest of answers and we never truly need to look as far as we end up trying to. What is life? What is love? At the end of the day, does it really matter what the answers are? The fact is this:

I lived, I have lived and I will live on 

Life will go by just the same and really, the answer to that question will keep changing as long as we're experiencing new things in this world. I don't believe in the afterlife, and the thought of eternal life is beyond scary. But when we leave this world, we know that we've had a good run (no matter how short or long), and every action we've had will live on, in the people around us, and if you're in a position to do so, in the world. Think Einstein, think Marie Curie, think Tesla. People may not remember them as the people they were, but they too live on in their inventions and discoveries, by-products of their existence in our world.

What is the essence of being human? Is it the pain, the love, the laughter? Or is it simply, having lived? That we think, feel, breathe? Do I need the answer? Probably not. But till the day I die, I'm probably always going to question. And when I leave this world, I hope to have these answers. Not for others, but for me. Because everyone has their own journey to go through and their own answers to find.

Could I ever say that?  ♥

People are always talking about the future. Five years on, where will you be? 

But five years ago, would you have ever imagined you'd be here today? 

To 15 year old me: 

Welcome to the start of real living. You're about to have the most amazing next 5 years of your life. 

You're going to make some of the biggest mistakes you'll ever make (hopefully Future You doesn't find another means to foolish error and stupidity) and you're going to think you've fallen in love more than once, you're going to hurt and get hurt. You're going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions and you're going to hate yourself in the process. You're going to show yourself what the true definition of "stubborn" is and you're going to meet lots of new people, of which half you think are jerks and the other half you think are pretty cool. You're going to realise that there are a lot of weirdos out there and you need to learn which ones to trust and which ones to pretend to trust. You're going for a rough ride. You're going to let yourself down, let your parents down and let your friends down. You're going to feel shit like you've never felt in the next five years. 

But really, don't let that stop you from going into everything headfirst. That's what Future You misses. The ability to put fear away and jump right in. The (slightly more) innocent part of you than now. Future You misses the loud happiness, which has faded to a slightly muted deeper happiness. Its nice, but its different. But give it a shot, don't stop going and don't let the prospect of shit deter you.

Because the next five years, as shit as they sound, will be amazing. You're going to find who your true friends are, and those you can really count on. You're going to find support and comfort in friends you'll never imagine would be those you'd go to. You'll start seeing things in a new light, and people in a new light. You'll find assholes in the nicest people and you'll find angels in typical asses. You'll be more discerning around people, more careful with money and most of all, you'll find how much you'll appreciate your parents. You may hate yourself, but you'll learn to love yourself, or at least accept yourself too. You'll learn new ways of dealing with things, better ways of dealing with things. And those guy troubles? You'll deal with them and you'll know after that what exactly you're looking for and what you're not. You'll learn to guard your heart. But if you have the chance to mould Future Self, don't forget to tell her not to be too guarded. You'll get real lucky and have a pleasant surprise when you think things won't work out. You'll find a way to work things out. You'll learn that shit has to be dealt with and you will deal with it. You'll discover that showing weakness can be strength at some point and its okay to lean on someone else. You'll realise that sometimes you have to open your golden mouth or no one will know whats going on inside and you can't expect them to.

You'll meet people who'll love you for who you are and you'll love them just as much. Don't lose them or take them for granted. I haven't yet (I think). So don't start. Appreciate what you have because time past can never be taken back.

You'll emerge a stronger, more confident and wiser woman. You'll be battered and perhaps a little scarred, but you will walk out tired and more experienced for that. You'll find who you are and what you want from life. You will find you. But you've got to work for it, it won't fall from the sky.

Dear you, you have no idea what you're going to go through. But don't worry. 

Neither did I. 

 

Nobody But You

retrospective clarity ♥

I keep going back to moments before but you know deep down the moment's passed, let it go. Even if the chance comes back its not the same. Its the moments of questioning which path now is the right one, which people are the right ones around. Sometimes its hard but it doesn't mean you stop trying.

If there's one thing I've learnt over the past two years, its that no matter what, you never stop being yourself or who you are. And that surprisingly, people are less harsh on who you are than you think they would be. And that silence isn't always golden, you can't expect people to know what you think unless you tell them. 

But most of all after these couple of years, this really makes so much more sense than before. 

Nobody But You

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don't, don't, don't.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you're worth saving.
it's a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.

Charles Bukowski

 

24 Hours ♥

 Sunday, 25/3/2012 

24 hours. To go back 24 hours would make all the difference. 

I am one chocolate away from ceasing to beat myself up over this. Slowly but surely, the pain will numb and it will one day disappear though the memories remain. 

24 hours ago, I did not know that I was about to put myself through the weekend from hell . 

Compartmentalize, they tell you. You know you don't have a problem with that. You can compartmentalize, deal with everything separately, that's not really an issue. But what happens when each compartment turns to shit one after another? 

The warning signs were all there. 

One decision can make or break your world. You'd never think it'd happen to you, but people aren't perfect and one day, you'll slip and fall harder than you've ever imagined. And this cycle will repeat. You always think you're prepared for it, but truth is, you never are. 

You should have seen and you should have known. 

Blame yourself. Its easy if you can put the blame somewhere. Someone fucks up in a relationship, you break up, you blame the person. Someone screws you over, you blame him, we walk away feeling satisfied that "it was his fault". Excusing yourself from responsibility is easy, turn your back and we can walk away, employing a simplified version for "ignorance is bliss". But what about when you turn around and face nothing but the hard truth: that there is no one to blame but yourself? You face the truth and it hurts. It hurts to the moon and back. But thats what you need, to realise how much you screwed up to know you can't do this again.

But mistakes are made and people do mess up every now and then. 

The worst part is never the fall. You'll always fear falling, but the honest fact of the matter is that you'll fear having to pick yourself up after the fall more than the actual fall itself. You'll fear not being able to get up on your feet again. You'll be more afraid of that than making mistakes. And above all, you'll be more afraid of facing people you're afraid of disappointing.

A life without setbacks is one where you learn nothing - words of a father. 

If you put it into perspective, yes, this is a small price to pay for a life experience. Yes, it could have been worse. But it doesn't excuse the fact that right now, it is still a big mistake and its not a small sum. What I need is not a glossing over of the fact that it was stupid, it was dumb and I should have and could have done better. Its an acknowledgment of exactly just that. That which I have come to terms with: the fact that despite saying all that, I did not do it. I made a mistake and I admit it. I admit that making a mistake that didn't just affect me made it so many times worse, that feeling like I let people down made it even more shit than it had to be.

If shit hits the fan, you can either cry about it or you can fix it. 

I told myself this years ago and I will stand by it now. Yes I have cried. But I will not cry forever. Crying does no one any good and truth be told, life doesn't end because of one major mistake. Pick yourself up, get up and get going. 

No one said it was easy and no one said it'd be worth it.. unless you choose to make it worth it. 

I still believe in what I said. Its happened, I can't change the past weekend. But I can make the best of it. In this experience, I found that part of growing up means you can't rely on someone to pick your broken pieces up. On Sunday, I wanted to fall apart. I wanted to throw it all at someone to fix and I wanted to do nothing more than cry. But being here meant that even if I wanted to, I had to hold it off till I fixed all that I could fix because it was (and is) no one's responsibility but my own. This I created, this I needed to fix. And carrying on when I wanted to do nothing more than give up took more than I'll care to admit.

Thank you.


To everyone who was there for me. I have never ever appreciated it more and I cannot thank you more but I am just so bad with words so I hope telepathy (or something kicks in). To my parents, for not beating me up (though it would have made me feel better), for making me see things in a different light. I am so thankful I have such amazing people around.

Its okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from it

Obviously we try our best not to. But when we do, learning is the best we can do.

I am one chocolate away from ceasing to beat myself up, $$$ and a bucket full of tears poorer, but one step closer to coming out of this a better person.

You're beautiful its true♥

I guess its the happenings of the previous month and the conversation I just had with a friend that's sparked all this pondering. Sometimes it takes the possibilities to treasure the present and miss what's lost, and watching someone grow really threw me off for a moment. I've never felt older in my whole life (and I foresee many more of these opportunities to come), I've seen how far I've come and I see so much clearer whats out the back of my windscreen in the car cruising through life. 

Its really amazing how the environment you're in moulds you to who you are and what is important to you. Its amazing how people think I can relate to them when I'll never truly say "I understand" because I don't, when half the time I'm more of a "yeah I think I get what you mean/why you said that..but not quite" person. It never ceases to amaze me that people are taken aback by the differences in opinion- and I've learnt how to speak in a way that treads on the toes of others less (hopefully, so far its working) and suddenly, there's so much to learn from each other. 

In discovering myself I realised that you eventually come to a settled state where you know what you want from life which then determines what or how you deal with what life throws at you. Sometimes you're not clear either but things fall into place when you don't force it through.  Often enough, words are never enough to say what you feel. 

Looking back on your life and learning from it is like watching someone take items off various shelves and fill up one of its own, leaving another empty in the process, much like piecing a very disparate puzzle together. But knowing that you're not alone in your life, that interacting with others pretty much forms its core leaves a whole bunch of more unanswered questions open for debate.

Going for this course has plunged me into a world of positive reinforcement and positive constructive criticism that sounds so silly to me, an unheard of, even unmentionable thing. Yet week after week its starting to feel more natural (less of a forced air about it) and I'm not sure, is that good for the soul?

You know, in the end I'm often left wondering at the shelf that's filled and the shelf that its emptied: did it make a difference to anyone?

 and i'll love you for a thousand more♥

Received a reminder today that one special birthday is coming up and how I wish I were there to celebrate it with the only boy in my life that stole my heart right from the very start. I miss playing cars and cooking and play fights where we all fall down (and die) and running around till I feel older than I could ever feel. This to you, you who has made more difference in my life than I could ever imagine and darling you have no idea how much I love you and how much I'll love you forever.

---

Its been a bit far off from a smooth-sailing journey so far for us you know, minor waves crashing but pretty much a straight course. Rapids are up ahead though and while I'm glad we're sailing this together, I can't help but wonder if we'll crash and burn faster and harder than we'd think.

I am impressed and slightly wowed by how things have worked out, love is such a funny thing and it comes in so many different forms don't you think? I've found out things about myself I never actually realised till you came along, I found friends whose opinions mattered more than I thought, things that were actually important to me kind of fell right in place, especially once I touched back down in the land down under.

Its been a good two weeks back and while I'm feeling a touch rebellious, I know where my priorities lie.

empty promises waiting to be filled ♥

 

I'll admit its slightly worrying. Despite this urge to fight the world (slightly rebellious, I know) and to prove the world wrong, I too know the risk is high. Still some little thing somewhere makes me want to try. How serious, I don't know. After all, time is still an important factor and the weeks that have passed, no matter how blissful, don't give much of an indicator. 

It is surprisingly how much of what I said overlaps with what my own parents said (before they said it), which probably goes to show that rational thoughts haven't left me yet. Hopefully its a good sign. I wonder though, would this reaction have been different if it had been someone else?

Sure, circumstances are terrible, nothing seems to potentially work out thought the feeling is there. How much of this is real, I don't know either. But I'm tired of getting shot down and I'm tired of being numb and running the risk of getting hurt but definitely after having fun seems like a big draw right now.

hello you ♥

 

Interesting how when you least expect it, something different comes along and hits you hard. 

Few months back this would have been unheard of but now, I know that not trying when there's obviously potential is to deny chances and close doors. That life is too short and getting hurt is inevitable so giving it a shot is pretty much all there is to it. If you're going to get hurt in the end, why not put in something first and who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised. 

And so meanwhile on the subject of elitism and ivory towers, I remember someone telling me that I am not elitist in the sense that I look down on others, but rather that due to the environment I come from, I am elitist because I do not see much more of what I'm surrounded by. Fair enough.

Right now I'm playing both ends of the field-friends or company at least, of the lower upper class (part thereof) of this nation, and then serving gracefully, I hope, on the other end of it all. Not ashamed, dont get me wrong, but sometimes you do envy that before you stop yourself- think about what your parents gave up for you and a sense of reality hits you hard. I don't always need external wakeup calls though my own sometimes comes late. Still it helps a little, and in the meanwhile I'm still developing (work well in progress) a thick skin and a hard heart. I dont need you or your affirmation to make me feel good. In fact its really sorry for you that you people keep trying to put me down. That you do that and all for what? To feel better about yourself? I'll save the speculation but guess what, I dont need any of this. I'm not going to be that kind of person forever.

good job i just screwed the layout by hitting something on the touchscreen. this is why i hate phones with no proper button keypads. task for tomorrow

also just discovered i can post via email wtf.

there's made to think and then there's just thinking.

the whirr of the spin
tirelessly churning out.concrete:
thick, sticky, fluid
yet mouldable
just like we are
just like they have been

in the end what to think? if life were a movie how would it end- i really want to know. ask me no questions and life would be so much simpler, no questions, no thoughts about those questions, no answers that could change everything-or not. posting this from a phone that's a bitch toype on at 2 am.. how i wish these wouldnt be things that bug me, bit they just do and its so worth painstakingly typing one letter at a time without a chance of correcting your words because blogger doesnt cooperate with a android. i dont know what i was looking for, what i am looking for. all i know is life is relatively good right now and i dont want to take a step which can ruin that anyway. also that corcumstances are such that wthoughts dont matter. what if or maybe - these are just words, thoughts really, that should not play any part right now. and because i cant type anymore coherent sentences i shlal just go sleep.