3:43 Ross and Rachel♥

Amazing really, how there's always one scene from Friends that totally explains your life to you. 

you put your arms around me and im home♥

Fuck this, I have to admit, I need you. I need you more than anyone else (family aside). I need you, or at least knowing you'll be there whether immediately or not, just knowing that I can count on you, as much as I can walk and stand on my own two feet. I lean on you more than I was willing to admit, I count on you to slow me down more than I should, I need you to guide me and push me to make my path a better one than it would have been without you. Hell its not like I wouldn't live without you but I have to admit its a big help. Whether you know this or not, I have no fucking clue and perhaps its just the fact that I don't ever say things like that unless reason calls for it but I wouldn't bring it up to tell you and hopefully you guess. Or know. Whatever, really. 

Also, fuck this which is not healthy at all. Fuck not writing (or in this case typing) things when you're feeling completely irrational, frustrated and fed up with the whole bloody world. Fuck being nice and stepping on eggshells around people. Fuck all you blind people out there who can't see that the world is more than just you and your bloody fucking tiny world and that people are the same no matter what fucking colour they are or whichever fucking gender they choose to love and whichever fucking god they want to worship. Let them. Let them live their life however they fucking want. Get drunk, do drugs, have sex- let them. Its none of your fucking business any way. You live your life, let them live theirs.

Life isn't fucked up. People are so fucked up and the best part of all this is that they don't think they're fucked up at all. Change the world, go on, lets see you try. What good is it going to do when you don't do anything about yourself first?

Fuck all that Disney shit about being perfect the way you are and having a happy ending without doing a single shit. That's a fucking lie. People are imperfect. So what if there's no such thing as perfection? That shouldnt stop you from changing who you are to become a better person. Happy endings are made, not earned, not given, but a fucking choice. 

Welcome to the bitch world. Its a fucking awesome place, isn't it?

frozen for a moment here in time♥

Old soul, young body. You're young, and while you can, accept change. You dont have to welcome it eagerly, but embrace it. Before your mind is set firmly in its ways, accept that you can change, accept that things can change. Strive to make yourself a better person, especially when people tell you. Listen, you don't need them to swear at you before you can wake up. Live. Take risks. Try something new. What are you so scared of anyway? Failing? Falling? If you don't fall, you'll probably find it harder to learn. If you don't make mistakes, where's the real living then? Nobody's perfect. Like no new driver never goes with his car unscratched/undamaged, your life needs a few knocks here and there too. So what it it hurts? Suck it up, deal with it, learn. Every bit a learning experience. Can you look beyond the moment? 

Love. But if you don't love yourself and you're not happy with yourself, you're better off single because you'll never be happy with someone else because as my friend said, true happiness comes from within. Do you really need someone else to be happy? Being alone, and learning how to live, how to be happy alone- that's a path worth taking - from my own experience anyway. Its immensely satisfying, like recovering from a hard knock in life, like the burn in your muscles after a good workout. Its a tiring, sometimes painful journey, but if its pain you feel, that's a good sort of pain. Love it, like you should. 

Every fork in the road leads you down a new path. But whos to say which path is right- no one else could, but you. If you're always looking for a set path, perhaps a movie worthy one, you'll realise that you could never be happy. Even the most glamorous lives have their own shortcomings. You choose your paths, you make them work. Its like how people ask me " Are you okay?" and I, all I can do is answer "Yes". Not because I'm okay at this point, or any point, but because I know, I'll make things work and I will be okay. And I'll settle for nothing than less than that because I control my own life. No one can comfort me but myself anyway-no one can get into your head but you. 

In the end, its your choice isn't it?

That said there are some options that are also consciously chosen to not be explored. A dose of practicality doesn't hurt.

i have loved you for a thousand years♥

Its like being in a tunnel where you get the occasional glimpse of the outside, before the walls break away into dazzling clarity. 

So. Not feeling anything at all.

Its like having nothing to say when faced with a blank manuscript in front of you-what is there to be said really? Things happen, people change- its all a matter of fact. Good things - enjoy it, not so good things, well suck it up and deal with it. People come and go.  Can they help you? Not totally. Can they live for you? Definitely not. In the end the only one you can truly place everything on is yourself.

In some ways, many ways more than one I am so thankful that my parents brought me up the way they did. Things don't go your way, deal with it or suck it up. Complain once but then no more. I am proud, even, to say that my parents taught me how to deal with life in this way- its stopped me from running from myself, from things not going my way, and to take control of my own life. Its made me who I am, its made me stronger than I could ever be. If I could go back to the beginning, I wouldn't trade my parents for any other set in the world. And no matter how little the world means to me, family is all I care about. That and the handful of close friends. But there is no one else I would be more willing to do anything for. 

Some things go way deeper than the surface. Some depths you don't want to explore, some that have to be exposed. Some you don't care what happens and perhaps, those are the most important, yet to you least important of all.

Because, this may not happen at all. I am prepared for that eventuality, but I know at the very least that there is the fair chance we will grow old together, on separate paths but somehow together in some way or another.

Dream big, but think realistic.

Its hard for me to tell you the honest truth because I don't know the truth myself. But if I did, I wouldn't tell you unless the situation was (in that 0.001% chance) right. The risk would be way too big for me to even explore that possibility right now.

It is true though, that only in recent months do I start to feel that time truly is running out. Mathematically speaking- and I cannot do math - its close to impossible. Not getting younger, watching the kids grow- its an experience I'll never trade off. But that in itself has been a catalyst of change- watching your behaviour and how you handle things because you know, someone's following from  behind watching, learning, growing. And I want them to be able to handle things properly, not to run from mistakes, not to disrespect, but to grow up with that kind of environment I did. Because love isn't about you, its about what you can do for others.

 

if it were only that simple♥

In another life, in another time, things might have been different somehow. In fact, even another environment would have set me off down onto another path (perhaps not that much different though), that which is ultimately guided by character and upbringing. It is only now, maybe because we're older, that we (I at least, while I also know a few who do) realise how much parents and friends make a difference. 

Perhaps if I had parents and friends who indulged in me, I would have turned out a sheltered, spoilt brat. As it is now, not quite spoilt but definitely way too sheltered. For that, I am thankful for parents who taught me to deal with it or suck it up - not in those words exactly-, and for friends who weren't afraid to call me fucking defensive, to tell me to shut up and listen, and for practical advice that thus far, hasn't been wrong, while I myself have been countless number of times. 

I've always believed that people were the one thing I could rely on. I was wrong. Ultimately, you are the only person you can rely on, no matter what happens. Trust in others, to varying depths, but never put yourself into another's hands. Its not cynicism per se, but this is probably what I would think is the key to survival. In the past months, I've seen people I thought were friends walk away. I've walked away from others. I've seen the other side of people that sometimes I wish I didn't see (for a fleeting moment) but then that moment passes and I'm glad I did. Its taught me to show a little restraint and to look beyond my capabilities to see all the things you never thought existed, or chose not to acknowledge existed. 

I can say I've grown, and I will say its for the better- not because I'm sure I'm better than before, but that I will make it the right way for me. 

Happiness is but combination of fleeting moments of joy in this world where reality sits firm and therein lies the task of living in the face of all possible scenarios, that you choose the one to the best of your ability and you make it work.

 

transient♥

I miss walks on the beach, the sun setting behind high-rise flats, daily drives out to dinner as the day fades, the unspoken words and (telepathic) understanding, that clarity and simplicity in human relationships which seem to have been lost in transit from stifling humidity to this quiet empty place where the definition of empty space no longer remains confined to the physical realm. something is missing, perhaps lost but then again, it was just a matter of time and there's no going back

So people say its the little things you miss and I thought I knew what that meant, the daily presence of family being around you, helping you and being there for you. The convenience of picking up a phone to call a friend, or midnight suppers and sleepovers at your whims and fancies. But in reality it goes far beyond that. Missing the familiarity and comfort.


Its hard to put into words what that feeling is of being neither here nor there. 


Now that I'm back, its a whole new world here, seeing it all as a tiny little bubble and the differences, maybe stepping out and stepping back changes your comfort zone altogether. And perhaps its indecent how stepping off that plane makes you feel like you're going to leave it all behind, all the feelings and maybe there should be a mourning period for that, but there isn't and you feel strange. Not knowing, still as much as you've grown, you know that in some senses, you know nothing at all- about dating, about human relationships, about people- how much could this be different really? 

The smile, grown old (not yet weary though) still remains, a crack or two showing the strain of things gone by, older, wiser, still the same but now different- not necessarily a bad thing, but not the best either.