why♥

So it doesn't really matter does it, how one is treated at all. All that matters is how one treats others, in the end all empty words said, fast flown with the wind, leaving nothing but dust streaks to show that they were here and someone, someone unimportant once heard them and held them.

To turn a back on events past, a heart hardened by the scrapes and bruises recovers much easier than that fragile, untouched tissue. When all that's said and done, the intent behind lost behind shadows of the human touch-but which wouldn't have surfaced if one had not cared at all;caring in ways is often less desired than not caring at all.

A lesson in humility, a lesson not too great but of importance enough to never forget if learnt.

Understanding is not in understanding the person you think you know, but in seeing the person for who they are.

For when her actions were already pre-determined by them, there was nothing she could do to make them see otherwise. (Machi Kuragi)

I think, I feel, these words left out but should have been understood by all, the subtleties lost, how, I do not know.

And just for now, I do not care.

its all about you, isn't it♥

When you've finally pulled out all the stops to say it out, what you really feel, it all comes down to this.

Hurt and being hurt, not so much difference now is there?

so just shut up already ♥

Missing you, missing feeling at home with everyone around. Not understanding there didn't matter when we were all mired in the now, and what do we do modes- the sweet relief of knowing reality was where we were at and looking at the brighter side of things to laugh it all off.

This post is for you Jean Chieng

Time to shut up step back get away from this why do you try when you know all you're ever going to be is this in essence, enough to stop all this nonsense already and just live here right now.

This is all I'm going and stupid or not, this is where I draw the line.

stretch ♥

Its not the same not being in a studio but it'll have to do.

oh we know it♥

Idiots in our own ways, in stubborn refusal to listen, in creating our own hell, in refusing to let anyone in. But idiots find joy in simplicity, in the pure joy of love and innocence, in moments of choosing to blank out the complex truths and seeing and hearing only the good stuff (Gold 90FM) every once in a while. To be happy when shit comes flying your way, to be happy without technology, to not know, and be happy.


joy in idiocy.


Imagine that.

Radio Silence

It is not just a quiet.

It is a fog bank,
and through it you fumble,
grasping at things that are not there:
the phantom pings of new emails
that have not arrived, the
I-could-have-sworn-I-felt-it buzz
of a cellphone receiving a text
from seven hundred miles away.

Your heart leaps up
and then your heart sits back down.

-Gabriel Gadfly

(newfound love in his poetry ain't that nice)

its what you see in the greater picture ♥

Or in this case, that picture. Granted its obviously full of motivational phrases slash reassuring text but in all that mess of words, the only one i saw was FINE, (and) GIVE UP. Selective eyesight I would say.


Surprising that manual labour would be so interesting. Although highly indignant that being where I was left me seen as just a balloon girl- poor, not of that calibre- internally I fumed although it was a justifiable assumption- and I made a promise there and then.

Smooth-talking gets you places- even skeptical me can feel myself drawn in to that charisma though I know it isn't going to go anywhere. And growing horror at how Singaporean kids are frankly, little bratty shits. I remember once when we were so happy to even get one balloon and now, times have changed so much such that kids don't ask, they demand and don't say thanks. On top of that, they seem to be aiming for a collection/winning(ly) high number of balloons- not for their immediate pleasure but seemingly more for that feel-good-because-I'm-better-than-you/I-win-you kind of thing. Probably the worst thing is that the parents don't enforce courtesy, or curb that greed.

I want my zen back.


就这样，时间一溜烟飞走了。心碎了， 补了，最终也硬了。退换吧，它早已不好用了。
多不久，人也要走了。若是没了心，人还感觉到痛吗？
我在睡梦中走来，拖着过累的双脚，狠狠地被叫醒。
我无法接受，也没力奋斗，什么都感觉不了了。
心不在。 人，只是勉强而继续下去。
你能找回它吗？

now what? ♥

Sometimes you feel like you're standing on the edge of the world and you find yourself wondering which way is up or down or right or wrong.

credits to Lynn Johnston, for taking me on a journey out of reality when I needed it most. and for changing my perspective on things, even if only a little.

Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away, yeah




我左看右看 上看下看 原來每個女孩都不簡單
我想了又想 我猜了又猜 女孩們的心事還真奇怪
寂寞男孩的蒼蠅拍 左拍拍 右拍拍
為甚麼還是沒人來愛 無人問津 真無奈
對面的女孩看過來 看過來 看過來
寂寞男孩情竇初開 需要你給我一點愛

wind♥

Go wherever the wind takes you, not while wishing that it takes you in the right direction. Because whichever direction you go is the right direction-as long as you want to make it the right one.

Oh of course we want that affirmation, getting through a competition, interview etc etc. As much as you'd want to tell yourself you don't need that external approval for that "feel-good" moment, at the back of your mind you'd know- yes, it'd be nice if you got through it, if you won it, if you were there. But in the end it doesn't matter, disappointment and rejection for that moment and then, step over it and move on. You may think you need them, but you really don't. Life isn't only a one-way path after all- if they don't want you, its really pretty much their loss- or maybe its their way of telling you to open your heart and try something else-maybe they see your talent lies elsewhere if you only try. Not denying that that bitter feeling of rejection is one hard to taste and hard to swallow, but that's just your pride getting in the way I suppose. But if you can get past yourself, get past your feelings- well , its hard to describe how that feels- though you can probably summarise it into a feeling of great satisfaction that comes with a good dose of determination and drive.

If there's one thing I've learnt, its that people can forgive or forget your transgressions. But the only one that really matters is yourself, and that forgiveness is probably the hardest to earn by far. Its never easy to admit you were wrong, let alone acknowledge where the mistake was. Nor is it that simple to put it all behind you, or ask for help in moving on. Maybe a stubborn Goh pride has something to do with this (runs in the blood), but refusal to accept change be in in mentality or literal change can be a huge hindrance in the journey forward.

Surprisingly, driving has taught me more than just the mechanics of making a vehicle move. People tend to look back just about far too often. But like driving, if you look back too much, you'll find yourself either crashing in the present or unable to move forward having been so fixated on what happened/has happened in the back.

Its one thing not knowing where you're going- but for the first time in my life, someone's giving me directions and despite the discomfort in not knowing where I'm heading and having to take last minute instructions of "left turn", "right turn", its taught me to let go a little more. That not knowing doesn't spell doom and disaster if you just trust a little more. Not being in control for the first time- just an hour and a half every now and then- it started off as sheer torture, but deep down, its perhaps a little more liberating than I let on. While I don't see myself being able to give up that need for control anytime soon, its a step forward (or at least I think it is), and maybe, just maybe I can take a little pride in myself for a change.

"A smile is a facelift done for free!"
-Lynn Johnston (For Better or For Worse Collection)

as long as you're happy♥

Happiness is finding the soundtrack to the movie you just watched uploaded in a zip file;
Happiness is the joy radiating from someone that touches you right here (<3);
Happiness is the the feeling of walking into an empty train/bus that speeds you right to your destination;
Happiness is waking up each morning to a start a new day;

Its the feeling of warmth right there in your heart that puts a smile on your face whether because of someone, something, somewhere, or the simple fact that you are here, loving, loved, surrounded by people that you love and are loving you.

It doesn't take much to define that little pieces of happiness, nor make someone a little happy. Yet it is without a doubt, elusive in the bigger scheme of things. That you'd find yourself awake one morning realizing you couldn't tell what happy was any more.

Honestly it wouldn't matter to me- as long as you yourself, you're happy.


Watched this yesterday. I really loved it, partly because of the music, but more so because it was insanely thought-provoking. That distance alone could wrench so many memories, thoughts, factors into mind, and that relating this concept to reality wasn't as hard as I thought it would have been was unexpected.

You know you're digging yourself into a hole, but what do you do when you decide to be selfish, decide you can't afford to, which runs headfirst against everything you've wanted?

I won't show it, I can't. Maybe someone has the key, but what do I do when I can't even find the door? If you won't let them close, how will anyone smash their way in?

wrapping it up♥

One would miss the little things, the touch of warmth and skin and memories of build, the look, the smell, the little quirks that set them apart. Knowing that these are the first to be forgotten, the first to be missed, that clinging on seems inevitable, the desperate grappling for that stronghold on the bits of film in your mind. The stretch of the heart and mind beyond boundaries already set, thinking- knowing- this is the last chance in a long while, perhaps even the last chance.

Distance, all relative. To close the gap- how you ask- and what does it take? The draw of the possibilities, the temptation of trying just to see what could be- that you might hold the key if you only tried, or knowing the regret if you didn't. All that will hurt you in time to come, and really, why do you try to be buffeted by the unrelenting winds pushing you back again and again? In the end struggle after struggle comes to naught and you stumble and fall -but nature dictates that you get up, bite your tongue and go "screw this", launch yourself headfirst into the fray and try again. And exhaustion levels run high, tempers flare and you find yourself in turning left and right in the midst of it all wondering, just what happened here?And where, or how did I, or this, go wrong?

But sooner or later, that tired vestige will cease to exist, fade in the course of the sand tricking down the neck of the hourglass and melt into the seamless perfection of the flawless mask that will become my own, ready for the world to see.

my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing♥

All this time I thought it didn't matter, that I wouldn't miss what I didn't remember (or didn't remember much of). But seeing that, I cannot deny that I wanted so much to be you, to have all of that -and if you gave it to me, I'd try so much harder, wouldn't slip up or make those tiny mistakes that would snowball into the outcome that I'd come to regret. I wanted to much to have it all, yet knowing it wouldn't be the same.

I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

Because I live, have lived and am still living. Erasure means that essence is gone, censored by choice- to love doesn't mean to feel joy alone, it also comes with that hurt, the fights, the mistakes that show we err, the possibilities of each choice and then the reaction making us more human- and no matter how hard, each will be a lesson and part of shaping you into who you are today. I love that movie. But given a choice in real life, I wouldn't erase anything.

Some people say its not worth the time, nor worth the energy or effort to chase it- but really, what if the right one means it is? Yet if denial or escape is the defence mechanism against the hurt, how will love find its way in, or will the heart be heard at last? Maybe it takes someone to tear down those walls, or maybe the day one breaks, but what if its all too little or too late?

This is not something new, all that worry and that conflict. You want to be liked, but you refuse to let anyone close or anyone in for that matter. You worry about the future but you hinder progress in the present. What more could you ask for, how do you intend to move? You fear the hurt and to hurt others, so you push them away- ask yourself time and time again, is that right?

But there are questions where there are no answers because its all subject to the individual. And then what, stay in this precarious position forever while your heart turns to stone and when love comes knocking, you'll never hear it because you'll look back and remember the day long ago when you closed your heart and shut your ears.

you want someone to come in and open these doors but you're holding on to the locks and keeping the walls from crumbling as you speak.

just keep swimming, swimming, swimming♥

I always feel like I’m struggling to become someone else. Like I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I guess it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to reinvent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I guess that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to define myself. For your sake, I’d like to become a new person. It may not be easy, but if I give it my best shot, perhaps I can manage to change. The truth is, though, if put in the same situation again, I might very well do the same thing all over. I might very well hurt you all over again. I can’t promise anything. That’s what I meant when I said I had no right. I just don’t have the confidence to win over that force in me.

- Haruki Murakami

who needs a heart when a heart can be broken♥

Despite living in a world full of colour, the only thing constant is that of black and white, often a mix of both, often a canvas of nothing at all. And in all that richness that feeling of a false front fleetingly passes through your mind. Do you wonder then, is this really it or just another part of your capacity to dream a little?

Or is dreaming just another mechanical response to escape from reality again and again? This numbness at unprecedented levels is really, perhaps a defence again but now, maybe I don't understand myself enough, because I'm wondering, why?

The prospect of discovering the hidden truth behind these walls in black and white is unequivocally frightening beyond the worst visions and nightmares screened in the mind I own. That which is mine, and yet, not truly with me.

Perhaps I have truly fallen short again- not just for you but for myself too- and I am lost in the wide ocean out there before I've stepped foot on the sandy shore with no direction nor hand for guidance in this no-man's land. No one, but myself and the dredges of incompetence thickening the air in which breathing has become laboured. And the devil (if one believed in him) beckoning forth with the taunts that have become gut-wrenchingly familiar, hoarse whispers in your ear which drag you to the edge and threaten to pull you under the seemingly serene lapping of the waves that gives way to horrors of past, present, future in a whirling clash of dark uncertainty and splashing fear clutching at your deprived lungs. And your feet lifting off the bottom and struggling to feel for the ground. A vision of a hand, your own outstretched fingers grappling with the water seeking that elusive handhold that never truly reaches you (or that you never reach?) and silence meeting your own cries which only shadows of the heart that once was hears, and no one listens.

trying to figure out this life♥

won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new/don't know who you are but i'm, i'm with you

I have to say, if there's one guy on-screen I love (other than nigahiga) its Joey Tribbiani. He's funny, silly and yet he can totally make sense. Plus he's cute.

There's times -oh so many- when you simply stop and wonder, where am I going wrong down this road?

And others you know, a clash between heart and mind, never going to be resolved, possibly even never. But in reality, you know you're never going to let that happen. Never to slip up, never to hurt anyone.

I never thought I'd wish for this so badly- I'd rather not than know how much its costing, know this burden, know the worry. I hate the guilt, that pressing ache that knows this is all because of you and I on my part should be doing more, should bite my tongue, learn to open my mind and heart, understand but bad tempers flare and tolerance is low and I have only myself to blame. Yes, inept to some extent, I should have been, be more mature enough to understand, to adapt, to adjust.

I wish I could say sorry but stubborn pride holds it back and the words refuse to leave my lips.

that the reason i love you is you♥

Just when I thought there was no going back, a door opened long enough to connect the past to now, and for that short hour and a half, that barrier there fell-and I've missed you and that old familiar feeling of being home. Not entirely the same, a shade of the past but close enough, good enough. To have made peace with yourself, neither forgiven nor forgotten but for now, that's enough having eased up a little, let go a little.

No saint at heart, not a little-actually not at all.

imagine♥

my heart is in your hands/and i'll be missing you.

I humbly request for my zen back. If it means that from now on, I have to be a generally nice girl instead of a typical bitch, biting my tongue when I want to do otherwise, keeping my cool always and burying my pride, I'll willingly do it. Just give me back my zen and take away all that I don't need to feel.

you and i/were friends from outer space

and we are all made of stars. Interestingly, I never thought we'd come so far, that things would change this way. In retrospect, maybe everything really happens for a reason- even the shit that came this way. And the introduction of you, you and you- made me reflect so much on myself- am I a good role model enough for you? Will I love you enough, take care of you enough, teach you enough? Selfishly- I want you to grow up looking at me the way I look at my own elders. I want to be different in your eyes, to some extent, special. For that I'll do my best to be the best I can be- knowing you're always going to be watching, somewhere.

Happier, yes definitely. The result of a few factors- when you came you gave me a purpose- loving you made me want to be better to make sure my actions wouldn't end up hurting you, or screwing up your life by teaching you the wrong values and giving you the leeway to err. And then pillars that stood strong and never faltered, and those that adjusted without complaint. But sometimes I really question, why? When I wouldn't give myself a chance, why did you?

Everyone has a purpose in life- I wonder, what is yours and then what mine? On my part I've always wanted to leave this world knowing that despite being so small on the grand scale of things, I made a difference. Because time may pass and our body decay till each trace of our physical existence no longer remains. And how would anyone know we lived? I remembered Tuesdays with Morrie where Morrie mentioned how sad it was that all the nice things said about the guy who passed on, that guy in question never did get to hear it (until after he was dead, and thats assuming he was even around at that point to hear it-but thats my own elaboration there) Still, reading it did strike a chord in me that I wanted to prevent that from happening if I could. Yet that dream defies that way of life I've led- where praise is hard to give and words of love hard to speak. And, conflict reigns again (sigh).


Practicality means no wasteful spending. Time and time again, restraint has been used so often that I've conditioned it to be a natural reflex. Still sometimes, little things worm into my heart and I admit, for that brief moment, I want it badly- wouldn't it be sweet?that ideal snow-filled world

to journey back in time.

And maybe, just maybe, one day i'll wake up and see that dreams could come true

only in hopes of dreaming♥

When it come to a point where you've become deaf to the heart, blind to the possibilities, and all because you are afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of the unknown. Afraid of the truth.

Maybe you want it but then, because of fear, when you do get anywhere close, you reject it and push it away. And maybe thats the wall people seek to break through.

More often than not you just want to be able to measure up. Up till now I cannot explain why despite knowing that those who mind don't matter, it just..does.

Sometimes you just feel like you're in the midst of a whirlpool of emotions, thoughts, all clashing and that uncertainty, just like in the path of oncoming waves, often gives rise to fear. And you just can't find the words to say it (yes hard to believe, but there you go)- today is one of those days where thoughts are jumbled and the mind is disconnected from the mouth. Well, fingers to be precise.

Jealousy is so ugly to watch and even uglier to feel.

these broken hands of mine♥

Sad to admit, I stepped on a snail on the way back home today- no, yesterday- and only realised it when there was a loud cracking noise that didn't sound plastic. In my defence it was dark and I was engaged in conversation. Great price to pay for the enlightenment that life really is short and comes chock-full of unexpected moments. Like, death by Converse shoe for instance.


I have yet to learn the art of compartmentalizing- throwing things out or putting them aside still seems an option I am unable to take, everything is just interconnected. Some things you just wish to forget but simply, can't. That distance you wish for just doesn't come, and yet, distance grows where you wish there wasn't any. Is this payback for all the times I chose to be mean or anything I've done wrong? That I'm starting to forget and the memories blur where I desperately crave for the details, that clarity that they have and I, as much as I yearn for it, fail to hold it in my hands or in my heart no matter how much I plead for it, want it. If this was a result of my errors or not correcting my flaws then I wish so much for another chance, let me take it back and give me back all thats slowly fading away. Please.


two hearts passing in the night, falling in love- never able to gain each other's sight.
-Chicken Soup for the Soul

when you find yourself reflected♥

And balancing between the selfishness and selflessness-that which you are and whom you want to be. Vacillating between the truth and the feeling of false fronts leaves you merely dangling by a thread, out at sea.

When no one truly comprehends who this is.

what's inside your head♥

It only takes a few words to slap sense into you, knock you off your high horse and make you stumble to your feet. But it takes even more to find that someone who will do that for you, to help you and not knock you down (joke not intended).

Pride, practicality and paranoia- one's most willing friends and yet, worst enemies when taken in excess. So much so you avoid facing the truth, whatever it may be because that false security created; yes, you know its just a front, but it remains the most stable form which you can cling to for now, to feel safe despite all that uncertainty. That which becomes a vicious cycle that you want to break out of, but are too afraid to take that first step away from the zone with that safety net. And you get sucked in over and over again, killing yourself slowly.

For the first time in my life, I'm walking blind and that, is probably the scariest thing of all. For once, the prospect of spoken words of affirmation doesn't scare me into silence because I don't know how to react- I still don't, but it doesn't make me fear. For once, I know what its like to truly open up and despite all that, no one walks away even in the face of the ugly truth- about yourself, about both of you, about everything. No less, no more than what I've expected, wanted.

Frustration in that blindness, frustration in the lack of understanding, frustration in knowing you would feel that way too in the same scenario- and tinges of jealousy colour the fringe of your heart just at that point-that which logic overrides and you realise, hey- what's the heart sound like again?

because at some point or another, you stopped listening, stopped caring and its all gone beyond your reach no matter how hard you try, you falter and fail again and again. and for the first time, effort has proved futile.

tiring you out
step
by
step.
you
fall
s
l
o
w
l
y


the question is not how, but why.


and hopes and dreams and a little too little but not much of everything.

a dream that i started a vision i'll end with bare hands sullied by truth salty tears reality this which i'll never be able to mend. but heart will hold despite the frost even if i can't hear it, no more. this knowing is more than enough. sunshine and rain to make this a rainbow day but daydreams have gone beyond this living to another realm where maybe one day ill visit in dreaming, one where our tears will dry and errors corrected and ill stand with those who walked with me, bask in the warmth that will never disappear. wish upon a star- now, well wishes don't come true till you put yourself to it make it happen, or not. open clenched fists to watch the last grains of sand trickle through fingers spread open and knowing there is no stopping this, the passing of time and the inevitable.

and take a step forward to that line where the safety net ends and the unknown begins- no way of knowing who's going to catch that fall, teetering on the edge because courage fails me most when i need it- not as strong as you think am i now? and then what, that fleeting moment of fear gripping you, alone again with no one to take your hand and walk with you

and i admit i was wrong now and i admit,


i am scared, afraid and alone.

he looked left, she turned right♥

Logic is always infallible, except in matters of the heart and that is where the complexities lie.

Because you fear rejection, you refuse to open your heart and because you value the current state so much you become afraid to trust and are unwilling to even consider that possibility, let alone face the possibility. Control being of ultimate importance means you worry about there not being a safety net anymore and you dare not step forward to that grey area there, not even for a split second because you believe there is no room for error at all.

Its a sad life we live that idealistic visions and fantasies still appear despite knowing the truth, and deep down there is always that yearning to be that 'special one' to change a life, be the only one that can make that difference- or something along those lines. Which creates that conflict right about there- what you want and what you know- where there is no common ground to meet on.

and when all else is said and done and everything burnt down to the ground, I know, this is not the end- not of hope, not of everything- I chose to believe, I chose to trust and maybe you walking away will break me but I made my choice and I stand by it. and I hope you will stand by me.

when you're not strong and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on

because

you're all that I want, you're all that I need- you're everything

and I've been high and I've been low and I've been yes and I've been oh hell no.

but I hope this ain't goodbye, its not where our story ends.

its all about the lines♥

and the poise in which you hold your head up amidst the pouring rain and walk on.

its getting harder to pretend♥

And I'm not coming back around again.


So you've made it different this time around because you opened the door to many doors and now I am not afraid because there is a safety net now no more free falling.

And now, I am free.