to just fall into it♥

Why we tread with caution the older we get, that we grow accustomed to not falling, to preventing ourselves from letting ourselves be ourselves, frankly, is because as we grow older we appreciate the magnitude of what hurt really feels like. That self-awareness that pain is no longer temporary or restricted to the boundaries of not having a playmate for the next day- that because in friendship, there is way more to consider than just the simplicities of the moment of that action. Where the impact of that action transcends that moment. Forgiveness, as some will know, is not easily earned, nor is friendship easily built up though it is easily torn. Or do you really believe that friends will always remain forgiving and loving all the time? That which is unrealistic.

I want to change myself, not in essence but in the way I want to carry myself, the impression I want to give, the person I want to have in my life- which is who I want to be. Not because of others, but because I don't want to be the me right now, rigidly unbending, unforgiving,unaccommodating. Not because I really am changing who I am either, but to adjust so that we get along better as friends, learn to integrate where you know 101% you don't want to but you have to, learn to hold your tongue and get along. But in areas where words should be spoken, how does one learn to hold back the harshness of the truth? I would want to hear it directly, hurtful as it may seem to my stubborn pride but then, does everyone really want to? Would it be for the better if those words were spoken- can one consistently swallow her feelings forever whilst having efforts, feelings and sacrifices go unrecognized? You tell yourself, its the right thing to do, but is it truly worth it when no one sees what that's worth?

Just for once, I want to slide down and heck care the consequences of my actions. I want to be selfish for a change and do something for myself that I actually care about, if I can even find it. But realistically, that will never happen. There's far too much to do.

As much as I would like to believe that things you read about- those ideal guys who will fall for you, not expect you to change a single thing, one that'll always get along with you, share your dreams and beliefs, shut you up with a kiss or whatever you think should happen in a relationship, I've stopped hoping, wishing or dreaming. Simply because that is Hollywood romance. That exists only in dreamland where you're living in the bubble of your childhood and refusing to accept that that bubble has long burst and you're holding on to ideals which will hurt you in the end. So when I read this I could not agree more.

Dear girls: Boys are not going to run to your house at 3am with flowers. They aren’t going to scream that they love you down the hallway. They aren’t always going to randomly text you to tell you how beautiful you are. They probably aren’t going to sing and dance with you in the rain. Yes, they cheat and lie, some of them. But so do girls. Stop setting these high fucking expectations and get over the fact that they’re not perfect, and neither are you.
(reblogged from 472239364)

because in expecting, you will never fail to disappoint yourself one way or another.

I have learnt to let go, somewhat. Maybe I'm still clinging to the edge, but I'm prepared that one day, I will have to let go- and that day is soon. I've learnt that people may not be able to live with it or understand completely but that its okay to fall. Sometimes its okay to admit you were wrong and you need help and people who care may not understand but they try and they don't walk away. That everyone has problems no matter what but that makes us humane. Setting those unattainable expectations and trying to live an idealised dream shuts you off from the world, stops you from caring and being a person, being a friend, Maybe I'll fall and I am afraid but as much as there's doubt in what comes after the fall, where there is no certainty everyone will be there, everything will be okay, I believe in some of you and I believe in hope.

I may not give, to put it crudely, a shit about any one person walking the street. Frankly, I couldn't care less seeing their amazing lack of courtesy and values. To me, much of humanity has already been lost-but you know, the people that matter- they're still there and those, those are the people you need the most.

Making peace with yourself isn't the easiest thing to do when you yourself hate that grey area and uncertainty whether you're right or wrong. I have trouble accepting that I could be in the middle, when I expect to go straight from wrong to right instantaneously. Still we keep trying and I honestly, really, thank you for believing,

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.

C.S. Lewis

enough is enough♥

And then what, watch as they fall? Isn't it enough that you can't stop it?

Why not you you question the people around you, whether you're in the right company? Do you honestly believe you can trust everyone you meet- because in reality that isn't going to happen. How do we make you see what you don't or don't want to?

reach for the stars♥

It only takes a moment where you realise that the little moments have built up little by little and before you know it, enough is enough. Time to let it go, time for us to fall. Because after the fall comes realisation and then enough to change that into action so that we can grow.

Because your strength shows when you fend for yourself and you know deep down you have it in you- you don't need assurances that you can or people answering you what you should or should not do anymore. Reaching two decades, time to step out on your own already because these people are not going to be here for the rest of your life to help you along or giving you a crutch or a lifeline. Its you who's going to have to do this alone and yes you know you can.

Tired of knocking on doors that don't answer or walls that hear but don't listen. Tired of chasing and asking and the never-ending worrying and thinking where no one sees it and more importantly, responds to it or even the endless waiting for change where you know it'll happen but really, when?

Knowing is better than not knowing at all yet some part wishes that it were still there for hope. And therein lies the contradiction where you'd rather it not be present yet its presence gives some sort of false representation that you can believe it, that you'd wish be present. Unable to believe yet wanting to believe creates this endless conflict that you will never come to terms with until you change your mind.

Who is really going to be there till the end of time to watch your back- really, no one so you've got to learn to watch yourself from now on. Maybe this time I could have made an error in judgment, but till then no one really knows for sure and hopefully it isn't. Sometimes you're taking a gamble that you don't know for sure but then again it could turn out for the better, just not putting too much hope will help in the meanwhile.

What good is all that pretense and false fronts when all you can do is crumble and hope someone sees when you're too proud to tell them yourselves? How can you wish for a hand when no one sees that need because you have, unfortunately, been too good at pretending all this while? Is it truly just pride keeping you or just plain stubborness? Perhaps a combination of both, stubborn pride to admit that you are weak, you are wrong, you need people.

Is it lying to tell someone that its all going fine? Can we say that just not to worry others who have their own things to deal with?

Can you read between the lines when there's no sign to read? Can you take a gamble on me?

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

unspoken words♥

If you only know where to draw the line. Because not everyone can accept that and not everyone might hear the same words put across in your action.

It never fails to amaze me the power of language be it spoken or unspoken. And looking back on the past two years I cannot deny that yes, I have changed. Even the way I communicate has changed. To some extent the test of the five love languages is true, if only a rough skeleton of who you are in that way.

I reiterate that the best of friends come from the most unlikely of places. Trust is a two-way thing that culminates in the make or break of a friendship and sometimes you underestimate or you do not know how much people do for you or how much they care. Which can be tiring for the one constantly going unrecognized, to the point that they might want to give up. Sometimes you need t think about that and make sure you yourself are not continually taking someone you love for granted.

Time to change that first impression.

It is also now that I realise what my father said a few years back is really true- that the older you get, the smaller your circle of friends becomes and yet the closer they become. And yet, its not a bad thing either.

relive it just for once♥

So it is possible that even when you've struggled, blood sweat and tears and thought that nothing would ever possibly go right, fluke shots happen. Suddenly you realise all the doors you thought never possible have opened and now its like you're at a loss again when you once thought the path so certain.

(this has never failed to pull a smile from my face despite having read it countless number of times over email)

When was the last time you wandered around acting like idiotic children having fun without a care in the world?

It takes a little time to stop and admit that in fact, you are extremely tired of being old for a change and then you realise looking out is crazily exhausting when you can't chase the person around forever. Please take the baton now thanks.

its you♥

Maybe we think too much sometimes, that it impedes our judgment because we become so aware of the possible outcomes we forget to look at the present because we are afraid to fall.
So in the end it really is about how you look at things or want to look at things that makes the difference.

There is no going back, ever. So no looking back for me because looking back isn't going to change anything and there really is nothing to see anyway. Now, its the forward part that's the big difference.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”