open the window♥

As we grow older we stop celebrating birthdays, start living life, attending weddings that slowly progress to funeral after funeral, then more birthdays of little ones again before that journey is handed over for another generation to go through, cycle after cycle.

So if life is merely an endless cycle of births and deaths why do we work so hard and if we come into the world with nothing, why do people say that we leave with nothing when what we leave with is the raw knowledge that your life was your own and the bonds that you made with people in your time here never actually died. If they say living this life is simply just a short span of time spent here and all life is temporary then why do we feel that deep sense of attachment and loss when people around us move in and out of our lives? Why we love, miss and hurt is not because this is just temporary, is it?

Often it seems that we spend more time trying to figure life out rather than actually living it. If you thought you only had one month to live, would the heartbreak be that painful or would the little things that rub you up the wrong way really bother you? You'd be getting over it quicker than every knowing you didn't have much time left. So why is it that faced with the deadline, you can do it but if left to your own devices you probably can't? That really just goes to show that we all have the ability to get over things, work things out and get on with life.

If we only want to.

and let the first drop fall♥

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”
-Marcel Pagnol

Over time it seems your memories gloss over with a thin film that masks the bad and leaves you remembering only the good- but for all you know, the true memory still hides unwaveringly behind that film, something you will never remember except in that split second after the moment was created. Perhaps that's why forgiveness is so much easier obtained when space and time come in between.

Pain is temporal. I dread the passing of month after month where I cannot do anything at all to stop it but curl up and wait for it to pass. I dread knowing that I cannot control what I'm feeling at that point, that weakness is inevitable and that really really bothers me, that vulnerability and the lack of control. Yet I pretend (that which I do not know) that this endurance will make me emerge stronger than before and maybe even a sign that things will go well in the future. But is this really just self-delusion?

When you start to convince yourself to speak about something with that force and certainty, sometimes you find yourself starting to believe and if that really is true, are we all self-deluded in some way?

when the cherry blossoms fall♥

Where there once was a point you could believe that someone would stand there at the end of time, waiting for the world to end with you, and only you, to bask in that glory of knowing that despite the rain and the hail- thunderstorms that pour down with endless lightening flashes, that you could curl up in the warmth and comfort in the safety of that which we know of as love- has now given way to the empty knowing that promises are after all rarely kept, feelings and believing little shells in memory of what we once held dear, that the real truth comes not in the bliss of dreaming in happy days and bright sunshine but in the knowing and acceptance of this which is reality.

People have moved on and you have seen that, witnessed the proof that things are no longer the same, the games and the fun subsided from that crashing of waves to quiet lapping at the shore because this is real this time, no longer a game to play but the one way street where each action and decision bears consequences you live to remember, respect or regret.

Valentines Day around the corner and while I stand by my beliefs that this is overcommercialised, the true expression of love not coming from the endless bestowing of flowers that are a waste of money nor chocolate covered candy hearts and hazardous candles but in the form of everyday expression in the things you do and say, it remains as a day for lovers (which is exactly why I cannot understand why friends celebrate this). That which once could have been tinged with moments of regret and sadness or envy at best, has surprisingly given way to cool indifference, not even emotion as though the slate were wiped clean and this was the blank canvas.

You'd think that walking down that road would bring back unpleasant memories or even ones that are pleasant to the point of hurting you in return. Yet when in all actuality, the memories evoked (not none) seem as though they were viewed from a distance, the emotions evoked as though felt through a vacuum where you can only begin to imagine what it felt like or could have felt like and sometimes you're left wondering if this is better than the pain or is the nothingness the next level of zen that is possibly the most desirable outcome right here, right now.

If you find yourself second-guessing most of the time, does that really mean that you've learnt from it? Wouldn't it be better, then, to learn how to anticipate before the blow falls? And maybe exclusion isn't the best course of action but then who can really say if you don't know what might have or have not happened had you taken the other path in the beginning?

Then in the end you hope that your gut feeling is wrong again because all you want is not to see the fall but the uplift because we naturally incline to the better side than the sad news of a breakdown. So you shut your mouth close your eyes and really, hope that you were wrong, knowing that it rarely happens yet hoping for the best.

where we speak different languages♥

How is it that two groups of people can be talking with the same general idea in mind, and yet one conversation is so much more palatable (probably also more realistic- oh maybe that's why) than the other? Its like coming home when we speak and the other like going to China, where we look the same on the outside but feeling completely out of place in that land. One where you're in that sunny place where it never rains and perhaps I'm going to be the guy with the umbrella in the rain trying to stay dry.

Is it always good to be thinking like this when you just can't fit in? You'd get the compliments, yes and perhaps occasional moments of awe and respect. Probably mainly respect. But is that all worth it when you can't fit in? You won't be able to see eye to eye with most of your peers and that could very well hurt interpersonal relationships if you can't put on a mask and blend in (yes necessary skill at that) but that can't be happening all the time either or you'd just be insanely tired in the end. But then again, maybe its too late because before you know it, you've changed and people have not or maybe a little but not enough. And then what are you left with? Nothing but looking back and watching others through a little window frame where you're on the outside, taking the journey ahead when others still remain in that safe haven. Rather like leaving home ahead of everyone else.

Sure its gotta happen sometime or other but is it truly better to be now than never?

skipping over water and crashing through waves♥

I'd been lying to myself all this time when I said I didn't miss it.

You know, for the Calvin and Hobbes guy, he's pretty accurate. I never thought things changed and I never thought I changed. Yet from where I stand its no longer what I used to see with you, no longer what I want to do. If this is getting older, then its not too bad. Maybe it means I'm on the fast-track forward when everyone else hasn't gotten aboard yet. And in a way, that is rather sad. But I don't really mind. Not cold-hearted nor bitchy but I'd rather be like this than remain right there. Now you start to see that life isn't all about fun and games, no longer confined to the realms of family, classroom, friends and shopping malls. Its a whole new ball game and I want to make a home run this time.

Bring it on, BBCC or whatever lousy grades its going to be. I may derail on the way but I'm damn right going to bring it back. No matter what it takes.

where we are, a line divided ♥

The same, and yet, not quite. On the surface, similar but peel off the layers and you see a fraction of who we are. Why we celebrate Chinese New Year is because we are Chinese, are we not? And being Chinese we embrace that culture and that tradition and I (as judgmental as this may sound), truly scorn those who see this time as merely a money-'making' venture, about who can bring in the biggest treasure or a time to dress up, excuses to buy new clothes and look better than usual. The first reason, at least, will probably be the top of the list for every other teenager/child in Singapore. Which is quite disturbing considering the debate going on about preserving your roots.

Superstition not to wear black and white during CNY? Thats part of who we are and truly, what is the point of celebrating CNY if you don't follow tradition and customs? Is it really then, all about the money? If you want to look at it this way, why not take another view. You get the money. Yay for you. Really, that's good, money flowing into your pocket (added finances) for the year. But think about it- life is never, ever too good to be true. Because while money is flowing into your pocket, behind, money is flowing out of your parents' pockets. In the end, no nett change. Or minimal. Obviously also because as Chinese, if someone gives you a larger angpow this year, your parents are likely to top up the angpow they gave to his/her child next year. So, after cycle after cycle, it equals out. Now with money matters unpacked, what about the rest of CNY?

I say its about the well-wishes, the time spent with family, the laughs, the joy, the memories. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Even if I am to be the 1 out of the millions here in this country that thinks and feels this way, I don't think I am wrong. You try as much to be Westernised as you can, but deny all you like, you are ultimately Chinese. And if the culture doesn't fit you (or you think yourself better than the culture that you grew up in, that you can change your ways as you grow older), don't celebrate CNY. If the only thing you retain is visiting relatives, angpow giving/taking and buying new clothes, forget it. What part of that really says Chinese New Year? If you ignore the traditions of wearing bright clothing, the so-called superstitions that you can't clean on the first day, that you need to spring clean before the new year, how can you truly call it Chinese New Year? No part of that says Chinese. Which, you are.

So, are you going to continue being a half-baked person who can't even respect the culture you grew up in? Or will you really preserve your roots and teach your generation to continue this way?

rain, rain, go away♥

Tired of watching the rain fall, tired of the gloomy feeling each time it pours buckets.

Death is merely temporary because after that moment passes, its the freedom of the soul, all earthly bonds severed. Hereafter was a waste of 2 and 1/2 hours in a freezing cinema but it did set thoughts in motion. I don't want to live in a vegetable state, kept on life support. If its my time, let it be my time. I dont care what people do with my ashes after cremation (you could use it for fertilizer for all I care) because I won't be here. I'll be touring the world.