3:43 Ross and Rachel♥

Amazing really, how there's always one scene from Friends that totally explains your life to you. 

you put your arms around me and im home♥

Fuck this, I have to admit, I need you. I need you more than anyone else (family aside). I need you, or at least knowing you'll be there whether immediately or not, just knowing that I can count on you, as much as I can walk and stand on my own two feet. I lean on you more than I was willing to admit, I count on you to slow me down more than I should, I need you to guide me and push me to make my path a better one than it would have been without you. Hell its not like I wouldn't live without you but I have to admit its a big help. Whether you know this or not, I have no fucking clue and perhaps its just the fact that I don't ever say things like that unless reason calls for it but I wouldn't bring it up to tell you and hopefully you guess. Or know. Whatever, really. 

Also, fuck this which is not healthy at all. Fuck not writing (or in this case typing) things when you're feeling completely irrational, frustrated and fed up with the whole bloody world. Fuck being nice and stepping on eggshells around people. Fuck all you blind people out there who can't see that the world is more than just you and your bloody fucking tiny world and that people are the same no matter what fucking colour they are or whichever fucking gender they choose to love and whichever fucking god they want to worship. Let them. Let them live their life however they fucking want. Get drunk, do drugs, have sex- let them. Its none of your fucking business any way. You live your life, let them live theirs.

Life isn't fucked up. People are so fucked up and the best part of all this is that they don't think they're fucked up at all. Change the world, go on, lets see you try. What good is it going to do when you don't do anything about yourself first?

Fuck all that Disney shit about being perfect the way you are and having a happy ending without doing a single shit. That's a fucking lie. People are imperfect. So what if there's no such thing as perfection? That shouldnt stop you from changing who you are to become a better person. Happy endings are made, not earned, not given, but a fucking choice. 

Welcome to the bitch world. Its a fucking awesome place, isn't it?

frozen for a moment here in time♥

Old soul, young body. You're young, and while you can, accept change. You dont have to welcome it eagerly, but embrace it. Before your mind is set firmly in its ways, accept that you can change, accept that things can change. Strive to make yourself a better person, especially when people tell you. Listen, you don't need them to swear at you before you can wake up. Live. Take risks. Try something new. What are you so scared of anyway? Failing? Falling? If you don't fall, you'll probably find it harder to learn. If you don't make mistakes, where's the real living then? Nobody's perfect. Like no new driver never goes with his car unscratched/undamaged, your life needs a few knocks here and there too. So what it it hurts? Suck it up, deal with it, learn. Every bit a learning experience. Can you look beyond the moment? 

Love. But if you don't love yourself and you're not happy with yourself, you're better off single because you'll never be happy with someone else because as my friend said, true happiness comes from within. Do you really need someone else to be happy? Being alone, and learning how to live, how to be happy alone- that's a path worth taking - from my own experience anyway. Its immensely satisfying, like recovering from a hard knock in life, like the burn in your muscles after a good workout. Its a tiring, sometimes painful journey, but if its pain you feel, that's a good sort of pain. Love it, like you should. 

Every fork in the road leads you down a new path. But whos to say which path is right- no one else could, but you. If you're always looking for a set path, perhaps a movie worthy one, you'll realise that you could never be happy. Even the most glamorous lives have their own shortcomings. You choose your paths, you make them work. Its like how people ask me " Are you okay?" and I, all I can do is answer "Yes". Not because I'm okay at this point, or any point, but because I know, I'll make things work and I will be okay. And I'll settle for nothing than less than that because I control my own life. No one can comfort me but myself anyway-no one can get into your head but you. 

In the end, its your choice isn't it?

That said there are some options that are also consciously chosen to not be explored. A dose of practicality doesn't hurt.

i have loved you for a thousand years♥

Its like being in a tunnel where you get the occasional glimpse of the outside, before the walls break away into dazzling clarity. 

So. Not feeling anything at all.

Its like having nothing to say when faced with a blank manuscript in front of you-what is there to be said really? Things happen, people change- its all a matter of fact. Good things - enjoy it, not so good things, well suck it up and deal with it. People come and go.  Can they help you? Not totally. Can they live for you? Definitely not. In the end the only one you can truly place everything on is yourself.

In some ways, many ways more than one I am so thankful that my parents brought me up the way they did. Things don't go your way, deal with it or suck it up. Complain once but then no more. I am proud, even, to say that my parents taught me how to deal with life in this way- its stopped me from running from myself, from things not going my way, and to take control of my own life. Its made me who I am, its made me stronger than I could ever be. If I could go back to the beginning, I wouldn't trade my parents for any other set in the world. And no matter how little the world means to me, family is all I care about. That and the handful of close friends. But there is no one else I would be more willing to do anything for. 

Some things go way deeper than the surface. Some depths you don't want to explore, some that have to be exposed. Some you don't care what happens and perhaps, those are the most important, yet to you least important of all.

Because, this may not happen at all. I am prepared for that eventuality, but I know at the very least that there is the fair chance we will grow old together, on separate paths but somehow together in some way or another.

Dream big, but think realistic.

Its hard for me to tell you the honest truth because I don't know the truth myself. But if I did, I wouldn't tell you unless the situation was (in that 0.001% chance) right. The risk would be way too big for me to even explore that possibility right now.

It is true though, that only in recent months do I start to feel that time truly is running out. Mathematically speaking- and I cannot do math - its close to impossible. Not getting younger, watching the kids grow- its an experience I'll never trade off. But that in itself has been a catalyst of change- watching your behaviour and how you handle things because you know, someone's following from  behind watching, learning, growing. And I want them to be able to handle things properly, not to run from mistakes, not to disrespect, but to grow up with that kind of environment I did. Because love isn't about you, its about what you can do for others.

 

if it were only that simple♥

In another life, in another time, things might have been different somehow. In fact, even another environment would have set me off down onto another path (perhaps not that much different though), that which is ultimately guided by character and upbringing. It is only now, maybe because we're older, that we (I at least, while I also know a few who do) realise how much parents and friends make a difference. 

Perhaps if I had parents and friends who indulged in me, I would have turned out a sheltered, spoilt brat. As it is now, not quite spoilt but definitely way too sheltered. For that, I am thankful for parents who taught me to deal with it or suck it up - not in those words exactly-, and for friends who weren't afraid to call me fucking defensive, to tell me to shut up and listen, and for practical advice that thus far, hasn't been wrong, while I myself have been countless number of times. 

I've always believed that people were the one thing I could rely on. I was wrong. Ultimately, you are the only person you can rely on, no matter what happens. Trust in others, to varying depths, but never put yourself into another's hands. Its not cynicism per se, but this is probably what I would think is the key to survival. In the past months, I've seen people I thought were friends walk away. I've walked away from others. I've seen the other side of people that sometimes I wish I didn't see (for a fleeting moment) but then that moment passes and I'm glad I did. Its taught me to show a little restraint and to look beyond my capabilities to see all the things you never thought existed, or chose not to acknowledge existed. 

I can say I've grown, and I will say its for the better- not because I'm sure I'm better than before, but that I will make it the right way for me. 

Happiness is but combination of fleeting moments of joy in this world where reality sits firm and therein lies the task of living in the face of all possible scenarios, that you choose the one to the best of your ability and you make it work.

 

transient♥

I miss walks on the beach, the sun setting behind high-rise flats, daily drives out to dinner as the day fades, the unspoken words and (telepathic) understanding, that clarity and simplicity in human relationships which seem to have been lost in transit from stifling humidity to this quiet empty place where the definition of empty space no longer remains confined to the physical realm. something is missing, perhaps lost but then again, it was just a matter of time and there's no going back

So people say its the little things you miss and I thought I knew what that meant, the daily presence of family being around you, helping you and being there for you. The convenience of picking up a phone to call a friend, or midnight suppers and sleepovers at your whims and fancies. But in reality it goes far beyond that. Missing the familiarity and comfort.


Its hard to put into words what that feeling is of being neither here nor there. 


Now that I'm back, its a whole new world here, seeing it all as a tiny little bubble and the differences, maybe stepping out and stepping back changes your comfort zone altogether. And perhaps its indecent how stepping off that plane makes you feel like you're going to leave it all behind, all the feelings and maybe there should be a mourning period for that, but there isn't and you feel strange. Not knowing, still as much as you've grown, you know that in some senses, you know nothing at all- about dating, about human relationships, about people- how much could this be different really? 

The smile, grown old (not yet weary though) still remains, a crack or two showing the strain of things gone by, older, wiser, still the same but now different- not necessarily a bad thing, but not the best either.

and step into new horizons♥

It has become increasingly harder to bare my thoughts in black and white, the feeling that typing it out-ranting, if you will- seems more and more childish as time passes. That growing up means you don't spill so readily innermost feelings and thoughts to the world who passes by, that distrust replaces trust and restraint bars leaping in excitedly with your eyes hardly even open because you've barely seen the world.

Many first steps have been taken here and in that two plus months I've found a greater acceptance of different people, different thoughts and different styles. More so, its made me see the disparities between ages and even between people of the same age. What we term maturity- watching the episode of Glee where Kurt refuses to listen about sex, on top of what I see here, it is so much of a choice whether you want to be stuck in the same stage for the rest of your life or you honestly try to learn and grow. What people think of as 'cute' now won't be the same when you're 22 and still behaving like a child whose eyes are closed and ears are shut to reality. That said, it is surprising how much I've felt myself change even within these few months and looking at peers, it is interesting how people adjust to their environments and how it is, in most cases, supposed to make one a better person, but for others it has done no good at all (if any consolation its probably not done anything)

Stepping out on your own two feet and making decisions for yourself- that has been the true test of independence for me, managing your life where no one does it for you, assimilating into a surrounding where not everyone is believably nice because they truly are and I now find it hard to believe that people are as a whole genuinely nice because they just are- more often than not its called "being civil" and if niceties come into play its probably for external benefit. More than anything I've come to my own conclusions about certain people that made me realise that I came in here with the completely wrong mentality- that people would be just like those back in JC where they actually befriended for being friends. For one you're now dealing with a whole new set of people who've smashed those ideals you carried, and then factor in the cultural differences on top of lifestyle changes, adjusting has not been easy but I feel all the better for it.

Independence has to be learnt sometime and while it would be nice to have someone to share it with, its not always a must- in fact, its a bonus if you can find someone but if you don't, suck it up and live with it. What most surprised me is probably the fact that there are so many people who are technically older but for no apparent reason either by choice or not, don't seem their age at all. More disappointing that even the opposite gender (or maybe this is the problem of the new generation) seems to not have a backbone or any form of toughness at all- in general that is, there are, obviously, exceptions.

Conservative views or liberal views, some of which might probably be the bane of my life, but they exist and reconciling these differences still stumps me. Would it be worth it to give something up on the basis of sticking to what you've always believed in? It takes two hands to clap, yes, but where then does the middle ground lie? Or if you have no clue where the other party stands?

Definitely I feel like my eyes have opened even if only a little- that deeply set lines of division still exist in society, though not evident, they remain propagated by the teachings of generations and generations past. It is undoubtedly disappointing to know that the belief you had in your society isn't justified by its actions. In fact, so many things I've held to be true have disintegrated even in the past two months or so and changing has been a real growing process.

But the growing doesn't stop here and its my choice to want to learn and change.

oh life ♥

Its amazing how Disney can, in its glorified and overly unrealistic version of living, still capture the essence of the human heart.

Amazing how people can be so different in front of you and behind you, that people can, even after more than two decades of experience, fail to see what their actions do to others. How humanly possible it is to speak before thinking, to cease to put yourself in another's shoes and knowingly or not, speak words that do no less than hurt.

People always say that actions speak louder than words- but where then does it come in when actions speak of one thing and words of another? Unsurprisingly, right now there's a long way to go and it is so very apparent how that few years or perhaps experience lacking makes that much of a difference. Knowing even then, that nothing is going to change overnight despite that distinct yearning and that effort to try to do something- knowing that this is out of your control- what then when you're not able to force it?

this generation ♥

So we are different, so we grew up on computers and handphones and all other things decidedly un-lowtech. But are we really that different? We live, we love, we learn. Maybe flawed in terms of character, maybe lacking in some form of ingenuity or judgment at some point- but doesn't therein lie the truth in living? To err while walking forward, always.

Hurt always exists- there'll always be those who hurt and are hurt, and sometimes maybe you saw it coming from the beginning, right from the very start. No matter how many time you fall, or how badly your knees are scraped, you just have to stand up and keep going. People can't push you your whole life, so its about time to start pushing yourself.

and what♥

Its not enough to say that the elusive truth bugs me, somewhere at the back of my head. I want to believe what I see but what if, what if, what if- that doubt lurking behind never fails to pull me back, hesitate. So I'm learning to let go, learning to open up and then what comes after? Long lasting friendships perhaps, as much as friendships come and go.

On another note, annoyance comes in, that people can ironically be exactly what they deny being. That childishness sees no limit and really, grow up- isn't that what you told me? Maybe its time to take your own advice for a change and stop closing your eyes to what might be.

treading unfamiliar ground♥

This time waiting behind a fence, put up for protection-but protection from whom really, yourself or others? Afraid to admit that what the world can throw at you has hit a spot that matters, that its so new its different and you're feeling helpless and unwilling to move from that safe but shaky ground.

choices♥

The world spoke words of which few listened or chose to ignore. Pathetic really, the crux of human essence- that selfish nature, that innate subconscious (or was it conscious) thought that burgeons into an effective course of action taken. That which people come to the eventuality of judging that effectuates what Newton deemed as an "equal but opposite reaction", not always pleasantries and niceties that one would be keen to receive.

That expectation leads to disappointment, that is no less than what we should have known from the beginning of time. Who would have known that time, the king, would one day stand upon his pedestal and mock the sullen fools oblivious to the convergence of truths that would eventually have taken place?

Do you hear that? The sound of the tears run dry, the crackle of a hardened heart long dead... the sounds of the victims of the world, no more than merely the world herself.

i want to hold your hand♥

It takes events in motion to make known to you how truly close to home the things you'd never imagine really were.

What dose it really mean to be alive anyway, the feel of skin on skin or burn in the lungs as you push yourself to the limit- is that all there is to it? The implicit seeking out of answers in the meaning of life, is that our true purpose in this drawn out process? And if that were the case, what would the meaning of death be- the end of that quest with no answers as you lie cold in your grave?

It takes a split second for your head to split clear with the realization how truly insignificant one really is in the face of the entirety of this world. A quick passing, the world gapes for two seconds and then, calmly returns to its usual routine of normality. Only the flowers resting remain as a representation that one even existed.

Its said that absence makes the heart fonder, but with the fondness comes the true ache of yearning, missing, the deafening silence ringing louder -how oxymoronic but that's as far as it goes.

The little moments that remind you of who you are, whom you were- memories, memories, memories- and oh that wish that you could return to before but that moment passed in time and silence, is all that surrounds you as you stand where you are, truly and utterly alone, though the shadowy figures as if next to you-but not quite-are there, ever-present as you walk forward determinedly, the only path you have.

to stop and think and wonder♥

Life and Death and Knowledge

I.
You have only these hours and days.

II.
When you accept them,
you have no need of
afterlives or priorlives.
You have the single empty box
of a life and all the universe
to fill it with.

III.
Live like this: there is an end to you.
Don’t fear it. Don’t wallow.
Flowers wilt. Rivers dry up.
Even the stars extinguish themselves.
Have your time and then let it go.

IV.
Do not shy from your ending
with mad horse eyes.

V.
Allow the box of your life,
when you have filled it,
to have its spaces.
Resist the temptation
to stuff the gaps with gods
who do not know you.

VI.
Pull Uncertainty into your arms
and kiss her on the lips:
too many neglect her,
but she is an eager lover,
and desires only your attention.
Let her teach you how to say
“I don’t know, and that is beautiful.”

VII.
You have only these minutes and years.

This poem © Gabriel Gadfly. Published Aug 2, 2011

fall asleep in hopes of dreaming♥

Maybe I'm not ready but I'll try...
-Asher Book

Here's to steep learning curves that never stop, to friends who never cease to amaze me and to little moments that make life all the more worthwhile.

School's started and suddenly the reality that you're in a whole new environment kicks in, the foraging for food, the realisation that laundry doesn't get done until you do it, the moment of being alone, or rather, coming home to an empty room that's overly quiet and rather bleak periods of solitude.

Home has never been further away or closer to the heart.

Just when you think the roof's about to crumble, someone somewhere holds the fort for you. And under the starlit sky, someone's watching too. Because you are not alone, never alone. And I know that now.

you'll catch me, whenever i fall♥

It takes a little rain to realise the beauty, the cold to feel the warmth of the world. And after the storm, everything seems a little clearer than before.

A little stupidity and a little culture shock, people who open your eyes; and the world opens up again.. no longer the little bubble, because hey little asian girl, its time to grow up- where there once used to be a 'sometime', that sometime is now.

So despite the stormclouds and the poignant smell of the rain of the past, there exists a little glimpse of a rainbow where the sun shines in the distance. It takes a little luck and someone who cares to make all that difference and I, am immensely thankful.

missing♥

Somehow I cannot bring myself to accept the fact that I miss my guitar more than I admit, I miss the times when I could sit at the piano and play (badly or otherwise) songs that longed to be carried off by the wind. And then it makes me wonder, could it be that denial is the rule by which I allow myself to carry on, untrue and insincere? Making that conscious decision, mind over everything else- to force shut again and again on which to the point where you strain your ears and don't hear a sound.

She said "If we're gonna make this work, you gotta let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see". She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be, you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I am uncertain yet again and not being able to control it scares me. But this time maybe it's different, no more walking that path.

close your eyes and swing♥

Sometimes you just want to swing so high you've forgotten where the ground ends and the sky starts. To lose yourself in the moment for once in so long; the feeling which the heart remembers but knows it must not.

To new beginnings (it is rather sad in its own way)- this day was always coming, and we all knew but the missing pieces dont fall into place anymore and distance creeps in slowly but surely. Vows we promised and swore to keep, will they really stay forever when the pillars have crumbled and the place falls into ruin, will those heartfelt words survive?

Slow stirrings of memories of time once passed and you know, mistakes once made should never be allowed to happen again. You feel it but this time its different, why let those doors open?

as we watch the sky explode♥

three more days and the reality is finally starting to set in. sitting at the bus stop yesterday and glad that sunglasses shaded my eyes from sight because that photo was just about all I could take, realising at that point that yes, nothing you want lasts forever.

i ask for little more than the basics.

suddenly i see♥

就这样转眼间时间已飘流到天涯之，无法挽回了。
我突然发觉时间不早了，而这时刻也不再是多一两旅行的机会。在这时刻才发觉，一年多到底是多长的时间。 我担心，也胆小。
自知需要坚强，但泪好像找出自己的心意，在眼眶中等着那最不应得一刻，才决定掉落，而我不能不哭。
还要硬下心来。

never thought of it♥

Experience makes for a wiser person;guide for life, not quite-
lessons are learnt only come when the moment has passed.
wishing it were genuinely real and different but knowing that no, life ain't always what you think it ought to be. Well that's that.

little world, I'm leaving soon
and I'm not yet ready to make this mine.
not knowing if a clean slate is better, perhaps in time.

but you'll see, I've got the steering wheel and I hold the key.
its in my hands this round and no more mistakes
i'll be home safe and sound, for the better.

through lenses not quite there♥

There Comes the Strangest Moment

There comes the strangest moment in your life,
when everything you thought before breaks free--
what you relied upon, as ground-rule and as rite
looks upside down from how it used to be.

Skin's gone pale, your brain is shedding cells;
you question every tenet you set down;
obedient thoughts have turned to infidels
and every verb desires to be a noun.

I want--my want. I love--my love. I'll stay
with you. I thought transitions were the best,
but I want what's here to never go away.
I'll make my peace, my bed, and kiss this breast…

Your heart's in retrograde. You simply have no choice.
Things people told you turn out to be true.
You have to hold that body, hear that voice.
You'd have sworn no one knew you more than you.

How many people thought you'd never change?
But here you have. It's beautiful. It's strange.

-Kate Light


若他是我的，一巴掌也不够说出我心中所藏的话。
若是这世界无限制，我根本不会后悔你听到我心中拥有但嘴里不说的每一句。你恨，我才不理。
你为什么无法了解，你真的太自私呢？
想都生气，而你不够重要到我会让自己因为你而费力。

neither here nor there♥

你根本没资格说谁聪敏谁笨。别自以为了不起，你差缺的地方还多得很。

我不可能了解或喜爱你每种想法，曾经也没需要你有过与我有一同的想法，或做出同样的一举一得。但最基本的，你到现在还不明白吗？为何要看不起？
我可能不喜欢你的爱好，但若是你喜欢，我也会奋力一点，为你开心，听你说它好。你别把它当作理所当然的。人家是盛一份心才做出这些的。

你说，到底是他笨，还是你笨呢？

from the ice inside your soul♥

till the morning sun you're mine, all mine.

Whoever said love hurts deserves a hell yeah you're right- even if the love comes in a good way.

and I'm sorry I'll admit this is harder than it seems, because without that presence, I see more glimpses of joy and freedom.

subconsciously♥

Giving the benefit of the doubt can only last so long, when in extended versions it comes off completely negative, in large doses unforgivable.

When happiness is found not in only small doses, and in periods of near and far; the need to walk away, peace and joy in simplicity.

the little black dress.

but try as you might the scars still show and its hard to ignore when the mirror shows what you've vehemently tried to deny and close your eyes to see.

或許命運的籤　只讓我們遇見♥

jay chou ♥

你说，失败乃成功之母。现在死不了的。
人生中的意义，你猜得到吗？
为何在感到最下落的时刻中，能找到世上的天使--或许是天意，也许是自编出故事篇章的结局-但无论如何，也应是好事，对不对？
奇怪，有得高兴的机会，但无法把它抓紧。

我看着你，感到羡慕又嫉妒。我回归往事， 但看来看去， 我的那时刻早已在多年飘走了。不是说爱不爱，而是想在那爱中多浸一会儿。嫉妒 是这种感觉吗？不想现在把它全让给你，不想放弃它。 但时间的期限在不知不觉中，越来越靠近。多一会儿，也会与其他影像，也成为模糊的记忆。

我准备还未好呢。你能多等我一下吗？我还舍不得，我不想抛弃这一切，同时知道这不是抛弃，而是把距离拉得更远。说来也是一种走了不回的时刻，不是吗？想夺在家的温暖，在大家全在一起嘻嘻哈哈过美好的时光多一分，多一秒， 这一辈，有错吗？

时间不早了，该走了。不想犯同样的错，不享有任何机会在未来回头后悔。

你要喝咖啡吗？我泡，再泡。就给我抓紧借口在这时刻不离开。

all that's waiting is regret♥

She lost control and now all that's waiting is yet another hole in the ground, self-dug, deep enough.

So I can't let go. Where do you go from here, I don't know.

what if a fresh start is no start at all, one step after another in the circle that never ends.

what if what the heart wants the heart doesnt want to be disappointed not to get such that the mind shuts down all other functions so no such word as hurt exists any more.

selfishness can only go so far.

don't need another perfect line♥

If only we were older, grow a little and stop giving in.

No more wishing, dreaming, fooling around but to take control and put an end to all this.

one way ticket to hell♥

You never learn your lesson do you?

traitor.

even if you can't hear it♥

So much bullshit, let your guard down for one bloody instance and you find yourself back at square one again.

But this time you know, its not going to happen that way again, no need to fight.

why♥

So it doesn't really matter does it, how one is treated at all. All that matters is how one treats others, in the end all empty words said, fast flown with the wind, leaving nothing but dust streaks to show that they were here and someone, someone unimportant once heard them and held them.

To turn a back on events past, a heart hardened by the scrapes and bruises recovers much easier than that fragile, untouched tissue. When all that's said and done, the intent behind lost behind shadows of the human touch-but which wouldn't have surfaced if one had not cared at all;caring in ways is often less desired than not caring at all.

A lesson in humility, a lesson not too great but of importance enough to never forget if learnt.

Understanding is not in understanding the person you think you know, but in seeing the person for who they are.

For when her actions were already pre-determined by them, there was nothing she could do to make them see otherwise. (Machi Kuragi)

I think, I feel, these words left out but should have been understood by all, the subtleties lost, how, I do not know.

And just for now, I do not care.

its all about you, isn't it♥

When you've finally pulled out all the stops to say it out, what you really feel, it all comes down to this.

Hurt and being hurt, not so much difference now is there?

so just shut up already ♥

Missing you, missing feeling at home with everyone around. Not understanding there didn't matter when we were all mired in the now, and what do we do modes- the sweet relief of knowing reality was where we were at and looking at the brighter side of things to laugh it all off.

This post is for you Jean Chieng

Time to shut up step back get away from this why do you try when you know all you're ever going to be is this in essence, enough to stop all this nonsense already and just live here right now.

This is all I'm going and stupid or not, this is where I draw the line.

stretch ♥

Its not the same not being in a studio but it'll have to do.

oh we know it♥

Idiots in our own ways, in stubborn refusal to listen, in creating our own hell, in refusing to let anyone in. But idiots find joy in simplicity, in the pure joy of love and innocence, in moments of choosing to blank out the complex truths and seeing and hearing only the good stuff (Gold 90FM) every once in a while. To be happy when shit comes flying your way, to be happy without technology, to not know, and be happy.


joy in idiocy.


Imagine that.

Radio Silence

It is not just a quiet.

It is a fog bank,
and through it you fumble,
grasping at things that are not there:
the phantom pings of new emails
that have not arrived, the
I-could-have-sworn-I-felt-it buzz
of a cellphone receiving a text
from seven hundred miles away.

Your heart leaps up
and then your heart sits back down.

-Gabriel Gadfly

(newfound love in his poetry ain't that nice)

its what you see in the greater picture ♥

Or in this case, that picture. Granted its obviously full of motivational phrases slash reassuring text but in all that mess of words, the only one i saw was FINE, (and) GIVE UP. Selective eyesight I would say.


Surprising that manual labour would be so interesting. Although highly indignant that being where I was left me seen as just a balloon girl- poor, not of that calibre- internally I fumed although it was a justifiable assumption- and I made a promise there and then.

Smooth-talking gets you places- even skeptical me can feel myself drawn in to that charisma though I know it isn't going to go anywhere. And growing horror at how Singaporean kids are frankly, little bratty shits. I remember once when we were so happy to even get one balloon and now, times have changed so much such that kids don't ask, they demand and don't say thanks. On top of that, they seem to be aiming for a collection/winning(ly) high number of balloons- not for their immediate pleasure but seemingly more for that feel-good-because-I'm-better-than-you/I-win-you kind of thing. Probably the worst thing is that the parents don't enforce courtesy, or curb that greed.

I want my zen back.


就这样，时间一溜烟飞走了。心碎了， 补了，最终也硬了。退换吧，它早已不好用了。
多不久，人也要走了。若是没了心，人还感觉到痛吗？
我在睡梦中走来，拖着过累的双脚，狠狠地被叫醒。
我无法接受，也没力奋斗，什么都感觉不了了。
心不在。 人，只是勉强而继续下去。
你能找回它吗？

now what? ♥

Sometimes you feel like you're standing on the edge of the world and you find yourself wondering which way is up or down or right or wrong.

credits to Lynn Johnston, for taking me on a journey out of reality when I needed it most. and for changing my perspective on things, even if only a little.

Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away, yeah




我左看右看 上看下看 原來每個女孩都不簡單
我想了又想 我猜了又猜 女孩們的心事還真奇怪
寂寞男孩的蒼蠅拍 左拍拍 右拍拍
為甚麼還是沒人來愛 無人問津 真無奈
對面的女孩看過來 看過來 看過來
寂寞男孩情竇初開 需要你給我一點愛

wind♥

Go wherever the wind takes you, not while wishing that it takes you in the right direction. Because whichever direction you go is the right direction-as long as you want to make it the right one.

Oh of course we want that affirmation, getting through a competition, interview etc etc. As much as you'd want to tell yourself you don't need that external approval for that "feel-good" moment, at the back of your mind you'd know- yes, it'd be nice if you got through it, if you won it, if you were there. But in the end it doesn't matter, disappointment and rejection for that moment and then, step over it and move on. You may think you need them, but you really don't. Life isn't only a one-way path after all- if they don't want you, its really pretty much their loss- or maybe its their way of telling you to open your heart and try something else-maybe they see your talent lies elsewhere if you only try. Not denying that that bitter feeling of rejection is one hard to taste and hard to swallow, but that's just your pride getting in the way I suppose. But if you can get past yourself, get past your feelings- well , its hard to describe how that feels- though you can probably summarise it into a feeling of great satisfaction that comes with a good dose of determination and drive.

If there's one thing I've learnt, its that people can forgive or forget your transgressions. But the only one that really matters is yourself, and that forgiveness is probably the hardest to earn by far. Its never easy to admit you were wrong, let alone acknowledge where the mistake was. Nor is it that simple to put it all behind you, or ask for help in moving on. Maybe a stubborn Goh pride has something to do with this (runs in the blood), but refusal to accept change be in in mentality or literal change can be a huge hindrance in the journey forward.

Surprisingly, driving has taught me more than just the mechanics of making a vehicle move. People tend to look back just about far too often. But like driving, if you look back too much, you'll find yourself either crashing in the present or unable to move forward having been so fixated on what happened/has happened in the back.

Its one thing not knowing where you're going- but for the first time in my life, someone's giving me directions and despite the discomfort in not knowing where I'm heading and having to take last minute instructions of "left turn", "right turn", its taught me to let go a little more. That not knowing doesn't spell doom and disaster if you just trust a little more. Not being in control for the first time- just an hour and a half every now and then- it started off as sheer torture, but deep down, its perhaps a little more liberating than I let on. While I don't see myself being able to give up that need for control anytime soon, its a step forward (or at least I think it is), and maybe, just maybe I can take a little pride in myself for a change.

"A smile is a facelift done for free!"
-Lynn Johnston (For Better or For Worse Collection)

as long as you're happy♥

Happiness is finding the soundtrack to the movie you just watched uploaded in a zip file;
Happiness is the joy radiating from someone that touches you right here (<3);
Happiness is the the feeling of walking into an empty train/bus that speeds you right to your destination;
Happiness is waking up each morning to a start a new day;

Its the feeling of warmth right there in your heart that puts a smile on your face whether because of someone, something, somewhere, or the simple fact that you are here, loving, loved, surrounded by people that you love and are loving you.

It doesn't take much to define that little pieces of happiness, nor make someone a little happy. Yet it is without a doubt, elusive in the bigger scheme of things. That you'd find yourself awake one morning realizing you couldn't tell what happy was any more.

Honestly it wouldn't matter to me- as long as you yourself, you're happy.


Watched this yesterday. I really loved it, partly because of the music, but more so because it was insanely thought-provoking. That distance alone could wrench so many memories, thoughts, factors into mind, and that relating this concept to reality wasn't as hard as I thought it would have been was unexpected.

You know you're digging yourself into a hole, but what do you do when you decide to be selfish, decide you can't afford to, which runs headfirst against everything you've wanted?

I won't show it, I can't. Maybe someone has the key, but what do I do when I can't even find the door? If you won't let them close, how will anyone smash their way in?

wrapping it up♥

One would miss the little things, the touch of warmth and skin and memories of build, the look, the smell, the little quirks that set them apart. Knowing that these are the first to be forgotten, the first to be missed, that clinging on seems inevitable, the desperate grappling for that stronghold on the bits of film in your mind. The stretch of the heart and mind beyond boundaries already set, thinking- knowing- this is the last chance in a long while, perhaps even the last chance.

Distance, all relative. To close the gap- how you ask- and what does it take? The draw of the possibilities, the temptation of trying just to see what could be- that you might hold the key if you only tried, or knowing the regret if you didn't. All that will hurt you in time to come, and really, why do you try to be buffeted by the unrelenting winds pushing you back again and again? In the end struggle after struggle comes to naught and you stumble and fall -but nature dictates that you get up, bite your tongue and go "screw this", launch yourself headfirst into the fray and try again. And exhaustion levels run high, tempers flare and you find yourself in turning left and right in the midst of it all wondering, just what happened here?And where, or how did I, or this, go wrong?

But sooner or later, that tired vestige will cease to exist, fade in the course of the sand tricking down the neck of the hourglass and melt into the seamless perfection of the flawless mask that will become my own, ready for the world to see.

my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing♥

All this time I thought it didn't matter, that I wouldn't miss what I didn't remember (or didn't remember much of). But seeing that, I cannot deny that I wanted so much to be you, to have all of that -and if you gave it to me, I'd try so much harder, wouldn't slip up or make those tiny mistakes that would snowball into the outcome that I'd come to regret. I wanted to much to have it all, yet knowing it wouldn't be the same.

I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

Because I live, have lived and am still living. Erasure means that essence is gone, censored by choice- to love doesn't mean to feel joy alone, it also comes with that hurt, the fights, the mistakes that show we err, the possibilities of each choice and then the reaction making us more human- and no matter how hard, each will be a lesson and part of shaping you into who you are today. I love that movie. But given a choice in real life, I wouldn't erase anything.

Some people say its not worth the time, nor worth the energy or effort to chase it- but really, what if the right one means it is? Yet if denial or escape is the defence mechanism against the hurt, how will love find its way in, or will the heart be heard at last? Maybe it takes someone to tear down those walls, or maybe the day one breaks, but what if its all too little or too late?

This is not something new, all that worry and that conflict. You want to be liked, but you refuse to let anyone close or anyone in for that matter. You worry about the future but you hinder progress in the present. What more could you ask for, how do you intend to move? You fear the hurt and to hurt others, so you push them away- ask yourself time and time again, is that right?

But there are questions where there are no answers because its all subject to the individual. And then what, stay in this precarious position forever while your heart turns to stone and when love comes knocking, you'll never hear it because you'll look back and remember the day long ago when you closed your heart and shut your ears.

you want someone to come in and open these doors but you're holding on to the locks and keeping the walls from crumbling as you speak.

just keep swimming, swimming, swimming♥

I always feel like I’m struggling to become someone else. Like I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I guess it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to reinvent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I guess that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to define myself. For your sake, I’d like to become a new person. It may not be easy, but if I give it my best shot, perhaps I can manage to change. The truth is, though, if put in the same situation again, I might very well do the same thing all over. I might very well hurt you all over again. I can’t promise anything. That’s what I meant when I said I had no right. I just don’t have the confidence to win over that force in me.

- Haruki Murakami

who needs a heart when a heart can be broken♥

Despite living in a world full of colour, the only thing constant is that of black and white, often a mix of both, often a canvas of nothing at all. And in all that richness that feeling of a false front fleetingly passes through your mind. Do you wonder then, is this really it or just another part of your capacity to dream a little?

Or is dreaming just another mechanical response to escape from reality again and again? This numbness at unprecedented levels is really, perhaps a defence again but now, maybe I don't understand myself enough, because I'm wondering, why?

The prospect of discovering the hidden truth behind these walls in black and white is unequivocally frightening beyond the worst visions and nightmares screened in the mind I own. That which is mine, and yet, not truly with me.

Perhaps I have truly fallen short again- not just for you but for myself too- and I am lost in the wide ocean out there before I've stepped foot on the sandy shore with no direction nor hand for guidance in this no-man's land. No one, but myself and the dredges of incompetence thickening the air in which breathing has become laboured. And the devil (if one believed in him) beckoning forth with the taunts that have become gut-wrenchingly familiar, hoarse whispers in your ear which drag you to the edge and threaten to pull you under the seemingly serene lapping of the waves that gives way to horrors of past, present, future in a whirling clash of dark uncertainty and splashing fear clutching at your deprived lungs. And your feet lifting off the bottom and struggling to feel for the ground. A vision of a hand, your own outstretched fingers grappling with the water seeking that elusive handhold that never truly reaches you (or that you never reach?) and silence meeting your own cries which only shadows of the heart that once was hears, and no one listens.

trying to figure out this life♥

won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new/don't know who you are but i'm, i'm with you

I have to say, if there's one guy on-screen I love (other than nigahiga) its Joey Tribbiani. He's funny, silly and yet he can totally make sense. Plus he's cute.

There's times -oh so many- when you simply stop and wonder, where am I going wrong down this road?

And others you know, a clash between heart and mind, never going to be resolved, possibly even never. But in reality, you know you're never going to let that happen. Never to slip up, never to hurt anyone.

I never thought I'd wish for this so badly- I'd rather not than know how much its costing, know this burden, know the worry. I hate the guilt, that pressing ache that knows this is all because of you and I on my part should be doing more, should bite my tongue, learn to open my mind and heart, understand but bad tempers flare and tolerance is low and I have only myself to blame. Yes, inept to some extent, I should have been, be more mature enough to understand, to adapt, to adjust.

I wish I could say sorry but stubborn pride holds it back and the words refuse to leave my lips.

that the reason i love you is you♥

Just when I thought there was no going back, a door opened long enough to connect the past to now, and for that short hour and a half, that barrier there fell-and I've missed you and that old familiar feeling of being home. Not entirely the same, a shade of the past but close enough, good enough. To have made peace with yourself, neither forgiven nor forgotten but for now, that's enough having eased up a little, let go a little.

No saint at heart, not a little-actually not at all.

imagine♥

my heart is in your hands/and i'll be missing you.

I humbly request for my zen back. If it means that from now on, I have to be a generally nice girl instead of a typical bitch, biting my tongue when I want to do otherwise, keeping my cool always and burying my pride, I'll willingly do it. Just give me back my zen and take away all that I don't need to feel.

you and i/were friends from outer space

and we are all made of stars. Interestingly, I never thought we'd come so far, that things would change this way. In retrospect, maybe everything really happens for a reason- even the shit that came this way. And the introduction of you, you and you- made me reflect so much on myself- am I a good role model enough for you? Will I love you enough, take care of you enough, teach you enough? Selfishly- I want you to grow up looking at me the way I look at my own elders. I want to be different in your eyes, to some extent, special. For that I'll do my best to be the best I can be- knowing you're always going to be watching, somewhere.

Happier, yes definitely. The result of a few factors- when you came you gave me a purpose- loving you made me want to be better to make sure my actions wouldn't end up hurting you, or screwing up your life by teaching you the wrong values and giving you the leeway to err. And then pillars that stood strong and never faltered, and those that adjusted without complaint. But sometimes I really question, why? When I wouldn't give myself a chance, why did you?

Everyone has a purpose in life- I wonder, what is yours and then what mine? On my part I've always wanted to leave this world knowing that despite being so small on the grand scale of things, I made a difference. Because time may pass and our body decay till each trace of our physical existence no longer remains. And how would anyone know we lived? I remembered Tuesdays with Morrie where Morrie mentioned how sad it was that all the nice things said about the guy who passed on, that guy in question never did get to hear it (until after he was dead, and thats assuming he was even around at that point to hear it-but thats my own elaboration there) Still, reading it did strike a chord in me that I wanted to prevent that from happening if I could. Yet that dream defies that way of life I've led- where praise is hard to give and words of love hard to speak. And, conflict reigns again (sigh).


Practicality means no wasteful spending. Time and time again, restraint has been used so often that I've conditioned it to be a natural reflex. Still sometimes, little things worm into my heart and I admit, for that brief moment, I want it badly- wouldn't it be sweet?that ideal snow-filled world

to journey back in time.

And maybe, just maybe, one day i'll wake up and see that dreams could come true