somewhere out there♥

And I hope you're watching the same sunset from wherever you are.

2009.
The year we learn in leaps and bounds, to grow and experience, just a little more of life. That which goes into the piggy-bank of wisdom and experience.
31st December and the thought process that's gone through my head the whole day stems from what I've learnt the whole year.
After all that, I don't know the truth, am afraid to hear the truth, and admittedly can't tell the truth for myself. But well, life doesn't only revolve around that.

So as 2009 draws to a close, I look back and I am lucky to have friends like you, to those who picked me up when I fell and made me laugh when I wanted so badly to cry- I know this sounds childish but well, nothing but the honest truth, isn't it? In the end I still have a long way to grow before I "grow up"; still I am happy to have met you all.

Fate is a funny thing isn't it? It brings people together and apart unexpectedly.

Even if we don't get to watch the sunset together, or ever in the same perspective or same way, I hope the sunset is as beautiful to you, as it is to me.

Goodbye old year, welcome new(:

and i can't breathe easy♥

Never knew how much a simple cartoon could teach you.
Being quixotic seems like a thing of the past. Pessimist? No, I'm just being realistic, which seems to be taken as being cynical; over and over again. I honestly wouldn't, couldn't care less if you were no one to me. But I'm tired of talking and getting shot for it-believe what you will. I'm having second, third, fourth and a billion and one thoughts about going because I don't want to try so hard, to laugh when I don't feel like laughing. The distance grows and it seems that only I feel this way(?)- conversation that doesn't seem to go past a certain point, a lack of common ground. 99% I want out and I don't care much about what you think.

And you could give the excuse that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

that i am only dreaming♥

I've finally watched Rascal Flatt's video. And I have to admit I teared up at the end. Wishing for happy endings-like typical Disney movies, Hollywood reels of stereotypical romance. Somehow less than those 'perfect' endings always seem to fall flat, short of our expectations and we fear, that reel life tragedies might translate to real life. Yet we hope that things fall into place like a pretty jigsaw puzzle, haphazard messes untangle into smooth situations, the irony being that, 99% of the time, quite the reverse occurs.

After one year, I have concluded such a thing as a woman's intuition does not exist within the heart and soul, mind and body, of Shayne Goh. And that she probably is oblivious to anything within the emotional spectrum regarding herself. Although some troubles I really could do without.

Misunderstandings do not occur when one does not have intuition. It's just an unspoken thing that everything is nothing unless otherwise stated.

everything is never as it seems♥

Slowly, things start coming full circle.

Wondering if this is what it seems.

Fireflies, Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

the silence isn't so bad♥

Well who would have knew that from a piece of foolscap kept in an old grey plastic file, it would translate into a tray of effort and love, borne unto hands that barely brush the kitchen.

Funny what you can do once you've put your heart and mind down to it. Perhaps it isn't so bad, to just take that opportunity and give things a try. You'll never know what to expect, but as always, we keep a little of ourselves, to cushion and break the fall.

So after one year we learn- to take the stories of others with a pinch of salt and to hear the truth only from those involved. To not inquire into the lives of others as much as we might yearn to hear the real story, unless you hear it from the parties involved themselves.

Tribute to Ham- Time to say Goodbye.
because I've learnt to live and let live.
and i've let go.

lift me up♥

Am so grateful to have friends like these. For being there to catch me when I fall, and to help me look up, away and forgive, forget, move on. Someone once told me that I am a strong person-I doubt that someone meant it in the physical sense- but I can only reply that it is not me that is strong- it is the friends that I'm surrounded with that are strong, and they help me grow and get stronger.

Pick me up and put back the pieces.

Thank you for always being there to listen and to care.

so laugh it all away♥

Cycling today was amazing. Admittedly it was full of accidents and now I've got a nice bruise thats not blue-black, but just black on my inner upper left thigh. So then you've got insults adding to injury and one morning of laughs was enough to make me forget everything bothering me, if only for a while.

To laugh at yourself is a skill. One that can't be taught. It self-entertains, self-amuses and keeps one's mind off unecessary thinking. Like today, when the car sped down the road and splashed me from waist down with droplets flying to shoulder level. But walking on, I found myself laughing so hard at the scene. Although I have to admit, I did swear at the driver, yes, I'm no saint, unfortunately.

I dug up the past today. Out of curiousity and perhaps, a little wish to see if that was the plain truth spoken. Just the night before, I had a dream-seeming to tell me to move on, to get on with other, perhaps more important things in life. Yet something inexplicably drew me back to what's over, said and done. So one hour spent, wasted dwelling on what was, might have been, could be and why. Trying to untangle these thoughts - something seemingly so simple and yet, so far from actuality.

Those words- does one speak like this to just a friend? Jealous? Maybe just a little.

Knowing that maybe, just maybe, we're closer than you might think.

and you can't see me♥

Helen Keller said, "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart"

Isn't it so true. Like friendships.

First year of JC is over- in the blink of an eye we've gone from sweet sixteen to seventeen and eighteen is but a step away. And looking back, I think this was probably the most eventful year. And yes, it's taught me so much.

Every cloud has a silver lining.
Take, for example- I never once imagined after it all happened, instead of losing it, I'd find someone who turned out to be a really good friend.
That I'd meet the right people who'd help me face up to myself. Helped me open up.
That I'd learn to hide emotions better than I ever have.

So I can face the world and smile and you can't really see me.
I don't think I've been a good friend. But I am thankful that I have really good friends around me (:

Growing up never came too soon.
i don't want to grow up i'm a toys 'r' us kid

capture it remember it♥

Human beings are funny.

They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned.

- Sigmund Freud

love-hate relationship♥

The sea- you fear it for its power to drench you, suffocate you in its depths and yet, inexplicably, you love it for the sense of wonder it instills in you, the fascination it encompasses you with. The beauty of the unknown. That of which is also the cause of your fear. Just like love.

Its a love-hate relationship- with the sea, with fire, with feelings, with yourself. Hating yourself for immaturity, utter stupidity and lack of self-control. Yet somehow there are days where you dont really hate yourself that much. Maybe not really loving yourself, but at least not hating it either.

Its the warm fuzzy feeling you get that you feel so happy with and yet annoyed with.
The reason why you wish you were more in control- the reason you wish you could throw it all away. Because you know, deep down, that it isnt possible things could turn out ideally.

discovery♥

我终于能打华文字体了！

其实，爱真的是非常难理解的。

不知您会不会和我一起欣赏以下的几句...

佛曰： 前世前世500年的回眸才换来今世的擦肩而

“ 世界上最遥远的距离不是生于死，
而是我在你面前， 却不知道 我爱你。”

burn me to the ground♥

A friend once said that when the sunset is flaming red, rain will surely follow.

The calm after the storm.

Took a nice walk along the beach today.
And to look up and find yourself peering through the cloudy waters in search of that elusive perfect shell. Why is it that even when you know no one shell is perfect you still search desperately for it? That even when the waters are murky you still believe it exists- that perfection is still with the reach of your hand- the hand that still remains, stubbornly flawed, stubbornly human.

The need for perfectionism exists. In the forbidden temptation of which I slid in. Just one more taste. Just one more time. To be in control, even if just for a couple of hours.

Split personalities.

One for life
One for blogger
One for wordpress

So many masks to hide behind. And not one I can call me.

release yourself ♥

Funny how you find that you're the most vulnerable at night. Where everything rushes up upon you and screws you up. So I hate to cry. But sometimes youve just got to let yourself do so. To give yourself some breathing room, even just for a while.

running ♥

I just keep running and never stop- time after time, from fears, reality, emotion.
And some part of me just wants it all to stop. Knowing that stopping gives rise to uncertainty- that's the scariest part of everything.Not knowing what will happen next. Not knowing what to expect. As with everything- I guess its the feeling that I can control whats going on in my life that gives me security.

Maybe I am running away from my feelings.

Just waiting to hit a roadblock.

hurt is only a step away♥

Today, I learnt exactly what an emergency meant.
Today, I learnt the significance of life and death.
Today, I learnt how hurt and confusion and panic are best friends.
Today, I learnt that I am a lousy pillar of support.
Today, I learnt that all rationality escapes you when you freak out.
.
.
.
.
Today, I cried for a friend. One who asked for the support I felt I couldn't give.

age is just a number ♥

How nice it would be to age gracefully, lovingly.
Wisdom too, comes with age. And age, comes with the price of looks- looks that don't last forever, that strip away with time. Which is why they say love extends beyond the mere shadow of physical appearances- the vestiges of looks over time probably won't appeal much to any pure lookist.

And love is a funny thing that ignores the number of age. Just look. aren't they adorable? (:

Apparently I'm wise enough to need surgery for my wisdom teeth. Yes, you're going to LOL at me. But anyway, moving on. So what is age then?

Age is having the patience to wait 2 hours at the dentist. Age, is also being technologically advanced enough to text a funny retarded friend for one of the two hours and having a good laugh to yourself.

Actually, age, is is nothing more than a number. Age isn't going to be measured by the number of years you live and breathe. To be honest, I think it goes deeper than that. Its more likely to be reflected in the level of maturity and wisdom etc. Simply said, you can see it in people. Strange isnt it, how any 18, 20, 45 year old can be more childish than those whom we define as children.

Age, really is all about growing up.

A wondering mind looked to the sky,
So beautiful it had to die.
Laid it to rest upon the stone,
And turned away a man full grown.

lift me up and spin me round ♥

Feeling older day by day seems to be a cycle I can't break free of.
So we grow- and at 17, the seeds of awareness take root and we start trying to find ourselves.
Contemplating life, self-realization, religion, feelings, emotions and how to live behind a mask or break free of it. Just, another day in an average teenage life.

Watched 2012 on thursday and loved it. Depressing maybe, but it was touching enough to make me cry, and somehow, in the midst of the catastrophe, therein lay a lesson in humanity, nicely woven into the movie. Plus the graphics were amazing, although, it was rather scary t think that this might actually come true in 2012.

blurred ambiguity.

swirling in your heart and mind♥

I wish that I could snap my fingers and make everything clear to me.
Like how things fall neatly into place in those Hollywood movies.
I need to know. Seriously.
Just to unswirl that confused tangled mess.

I enjoy looking at the sky. To see how it forms pretty patterns that gives you hope. How it changes day by day.
Burnt- I've learnt so much since I've come to JC. About self-realization, what youre looking for in life, what youre afraid of and etc etc.

Had a dream that night that my house was on fire. And you know about how you always think you cant save everything or anything because everything is important or unimportant to you? Well I thought everything was important. But when it came to the crunch, I had to make a choice of three most important things. And I realised what truly meant something to me, what were the concerns bothering me, all these so-called trivial stuff that I normally push aside.
It was a most thought-provoking dream. And I'd ask you to ask yourself, what are the three most important things (excluding people) that you would save in the same scenario?
Because I realised that your choice speaks volumes about your priorities in life and what you treasure most. It made me question if I truly still treasured these things.

Realization. That it takes time to feel, to heal and to sort yourself out. Loves, fears, tears, joy, laughter. Life.
Okay that didnt make any sense haha but yup.

Shayne Goh breathe and take one step at a time.
And I will untangle this mess.

round and round♥

My head and heart are exactly like a washing machine.
Up around over.
So I'm a little confused about stuff, and to some friends well, i feel like theres a total wall between us.

Distance. Isolation.
I'm trying t understand you but I can't seem to and I don't know how. And you're not letting me in this time.

---

No way no how. I told myself I won't date again. Not gonna fall in love, about as possible as touching those faraway long-dreamt-of stars to get married.
Not now. Maybe not ever, I don't know.
There's more to life than just relationships.
Confusion makes room for shutting it off.
Can't be that anyway.

throw your arms(legs) up into the sky♥

One, 21 guns.
Met someone unexpected on the bus yesterday and had about the funn(i)est conversations in a long while. Thanks for the laughs (: and yes, I am a realist, you idealist.


Seems like you're right. Things can only get better- or so i hope anyway.
Even though I was sick and tired yesterday- even though we rued the day the range flooded- I found joy in the unexpected. Happiness is working with your friends. Sweat, blood, tears, laughs.
Having people who you know stands by you even if the sky is falling down.

Sick again, tired, but happy.
Sometimes the world turns topsy-turvy when you least expect it.

i dream a little dream♥

Why am I fascinated with snow? Perhaps its precisely because I've never seen or felt real snow.
The magic, the mystique, the total fantasy of it all. And the fact that I'll probably never really touch it or go near it. The dream of it.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.
How true that is.

I dream of a white wedding. Of having four little boys scamper around, getting into scraps.
That we will all one day find our happily ever after.
With each day I find myself more cynical of this dream- what a child-like ideology, a foolish dream far beyond our means to be attainable.

The unreachable nature of dreams. And maybe that's why we hanker after them, pin our hopes on them and try so very hard to achieve them. Or even come close to them. And when we fall short, we hurt, realizing that it was just beyond our reach.
So close to be able to smell it, nearly touch it, taste it-
and yet, eventually it all slips away.
Human nature really, to try and achieve the impossible. But even though we know we're lacking in what it takes to pull through, we try anyway.
自己跌倒自己爬
And we get up and try again.

I said that day that I don't want to date, I don't want to fall in love- that marriage is just a dream. Truth is, we all know whats keeping that wall up.

And fearing to open your heart, fearing to let go of your expectations of yourself too-Its going t take a hell lot of effort and time.

I'm weak, it's true
Because I'm afraid to know the answer.

to everything I've been through- I see the old saying holds. That whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

i want to know you♥

They say that the eyes are the windows to your soul.
Well I guess that kid up there must be trying really hard to see her.
(oh no i just realised she has no shirt on. oops)
Somehow, photos like these just make me melt.
And yknow, the idea of childhood sweethearts is perfect for the hopeless romantic.(:

Its the little things friends do for you that makes you happy. Just knowing that they're always there even when you don't ask for it.

I believe everything that happens is a learning experience.
On the extreme end, you need to get burnt to really learn much more.
Do I regret? No, not really.
Would I have chosen this path had I known the outcome? I honestly don't know.
Although I have to admit, that was a very thought-provoking question and I thank you for asking it.
I vacillated between yes and no. And I realised there is no answer to that question. Because ultimately we can't see the future, we won't know what's going to happen and well, i think it happened the way it did for a reason. No point debating whether it should have happened this way or not, I guess?

And then I asked myself a question. Are there truly( what we call ) 'personal' questions when they're asked between friends?-im thinking close friends-?

Okay so I can't find the answer to that.
Maybe it'll come later in life. Let me know what you think about that?

listen to the sounds of life♥

Has anyone ever told you that if you put a seashell to your ear, you can hear the sea?
They were wrong.
You can't hear the sea from the seashell.
You hear it with your heart.

Discovering yourself is just part of growing up.
And I am so proud of my parents for bringing me up the way they did. That I didn't grow up totally sheltered or disrespectful.
I mean, yes, sometimes I have my priorities slightly wrong and I too make mistakes.
But we're only human.
Dear sister, I hope I don't really sound like that, or keep putting myself down.
I can see you giving me a DUH YOU ARE SO LIKE THAT face.

My point is, the things or people that mean most to you aren't physically near. They live in your heart. Friendships, relationships, they all become shallow and superficial once you keep talking about having a need to meet up, the obligation, the MUST to physically be in each other's presence. For it is not the distance that matters, but the emotional bond we share.
A mutual understanding, the ability to annoy each other for the sake of it, knowing it wont put a dent in our relationship. And the same frequency level that you know what he/she is about to say even before they've opened their mouth.
The ability to conjure up the person in your mind when you need them most. Knowing how'd they'd react. What they like/dislike.
And thats what friendship truly is.

(porcupine interrupts here to ask if thats a child labourer in the photo. and yes, this is friendship too)

I smile, because I have friends around me. Friends like you , you and you. Last night's conversation with a friend (i rarely speak to) was interestingly stimulating. I kinda learnt more about people. But whatever is it, I still believe that friendships take time to build,to learn more about each other.
Friendships that come from the heart(:

i watched the waves crash♥

I honestly feel less tangled. But then again, I still haven't changed.
I'm still the same old idiot.
Insecure? Yes, but right now, I really want to try and change.
Unsure, uncertain, afraid to try.
It won't happen overnight but well, I'm gonna make a change.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways

no solutions yet but well feeling lots better haha

hanging by a thread♥

At three in the morning, the room is unnervingly silent and your mind is just a total mess of confusion.

You say I have to let go of my expectations of myself.

That I'm wishing to be superhuman because I don't want to hurt.

Because I think I'm strong enough not to hurt.

Is it bad to expect more of myself?

I can't let go of these expectations because I fear falling back with no one, nothing to rely on.

And that thin thread keeping me holding on: because there are people who believe in me and believe that I will try my best.

I wish I had the time to escape from all these. To take a step back and figure myself out.

I keep wishing and nothing ever happens. Just like reality vs fairytales once again.

What if the only thing keeping me from falling is my expectations of myself?

standing at the crossroads♥

Robert Frost. 1875–

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

i want out.
life is at the point where i cant afford to make mistakes. i can't afford to screw my future.
i want to figure myself out.
and im sorry to how ive been treating the people around me.
i wish i had more time to think. to sort myself out.
to get rid of all this stuff thats somehow snowballed into this crap thats screwing with my head.
shit.

i hate myself for clicking send.

put on my face ♥

I'm sorry I just can't.
I seriously think I have a split personality.
One that talks a lot and the other that hides everything away.
I don't want you to know and I don't want you to see.
Remember Avril Lavigne's song?
I wake up in the morning, put on my face
The one that's gonna get me, through another day.
I wish that all the shit didnt come at one shot, that I was stronger than this.
Why is it so hard to face myself is beyond my comprehension.

letting go never seemed so easy ♥

Whoever said life was easy obviously never lived life properly.
When you're down, look up, lift up. Right, porcupine?

Today was one of those days. You know it, you've been through it before. Just one of those days where no matter how cheerful and happy your environment is, you just feel like letting go. To slide back down into gloom, doom and boomz.
My apologies,slip of the tongue. I mean, fingers.

On the bus to school today, I sat next to this old man who obviously had some skin condition. People shied away from him.
But did he have malicious intent towards them? I think not. Just goes to show how people are so superficial, doesn't it? Essentially we are all the same. No matter what we look like on the outside. So I'm fatter than you, shorter than you, whatever. We're still the same underneath. Just, human.

---

Saw an amazing sight today. One little dog, standing in the middle of a busy road and all the cars avoiding it. Exactly the way I felt today. As the world zooms past, you stand there helpless, not knowing what to do. So, I went to the beach (:

And instead of reflecting and getting rid of all the stuff on my heart, I walked into the water, got splashed so hard by the second wave from the waist down and decided to take up the IMMENSE challenge of picking seashells at high tide. And I picked up a gem. A perfect unblemished shell. So clean on the outside and hiding so much dirt on the inside. Perhaps it was a reminder from Mother Nature. A perfect self-reflection. The feeling of being so unclean, ashamed in that instant. And the sense of revulsion that overwhelms you, threatens to take over you. Hating yourself.

I keep wondering why I'm not letting go this time. The feeling that it didn't matter to anyone anyway just keeps intensifying. And even amidst the brain-draining pw session, I found my answer. It doesn't matter if it doesn't affect anyone. The fact that you're believing in me means I can't let you down.
Remember the Chicken Soup story?
About the man that went out to sea and rescued a boy in a storm.
Teeth chattering, the boy said "Thank you for saving my life"
And the man replied "That's okay, kid. Just make sure your life was worth saving"

That one small belief keeps you clinging on, holding you back like an invisible thread. Telling you not to let go. Even if it's just a small sliver of light.
Sometimes I wonder why I shouldn't just let myself fall back into that black hole. Trying to stop these disgusting thoughts from running through my head.

---

Stop it snap out of it get out.

tell me what makes a (wo)man ♥

What makes guys and girls different?
Chemistry.
You know it. The reaction that changes colours in test-tubes and beakers. BOW burning her fringe in the lab. Spilling silver chloride down your uniform. Squirting each other with the distilled water. At last but not least, that booming voice of lbh in your ear to "TAKE OUT THE FUNNEL"

Back to the point. Chemistry.
Different chemical makeups. Plus, it really takes something somewhere somehow to make two people click. Two kinds of chemistry.
I'm not talking about it purely in a romantic relationship kind of way. I'm referring to guys and girls, friends or otherwise.
Actually the chemistry thing applies to same-gender relationships too. Including platonic relationships.
And because there are so many people that make this world, we need this to help us get along.

---

John Gray said: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
So, what are we?
...
Aliens.
(:

Its simple really. If only we could take the time to try and understand the opposite gender.
If only girls would have less expectations like that of a Hollywood man. And if you really do find someone like him, chances are is that there's something wrong with the guy. Probably, he's pulling wool (and whatever fine materials) over your eyes.
If only if only if only. But what good are these "if only"s if nothing's going to change?

---

Went to school for PW today and had the (yes, cheap thrill) of "breaking" in and out of school thrice.

9 A.M.
School gate is locked. Legs too short thus afraid to climb the gate. In desperation, I decide to crawl through the hole at the signboard. Suddenly, a car appears. In a bid to avoid being seen, I dive through the hole and emerge on the other side, banging my back in the process. Bruised but otherwise unscathed, I stand up laughing to find some random dude laughing at me from the other side of the wall, together with bryan. (:

2+ P.M
Coming back after lunch (when we went out the gate was unlocked). We discover the gate is locked. So, muacksmuacks, meowmeow(the elegant one) and aunty clamber over the gate. Skau and Pillar(huh?uh..) crawl through the hole in the sign as previously discovered earlier. muacksmuacks goes back to try the hole. Whole PW group laughs and conquers Narnia by walking across the grass "summit". All hail the High Kings and Queens(:

1030P.M
Time to leave school after 12 hours of PW meeting.
Gate is locked. muacksmuacks skau and aunty climb out.
End of cheap thrills.

Now, wasn't that an interesting story? (:

---

On another note, my CT (let's call her mt) decided to tell me something today as we were walking out for lunch at PP.
mt: "Shayne, did you know you actually have some quite masculine qualities?
me: "HARH?"
me: "Oh maybe cos my dad brought me up so I learnt from him"
mt: "I see, youre closer to your dad right? Actually its not a bad thing. You have a good balance of both. That's good next time if you become a boss, you will probably be a nice one." *smiles*
me: "Oh uh. Ya I hope so"

I felt so inarticulate after that. Plus, the first sentence scared the heck out of me. I seriously thought she was gonna say that I looked like a man and sounded like one. Being like Rod Stewart isn't exactly the best thing to become if you're a girl.

Okay sleep time. PW again tmr lots more insights and madness haha.

dancing with danger ♥

Lighting. Who would have thought that it hides its danger behind such a beautiful mask.
Look, there's the price of beauty for you.

Seems like recently I've been discovering more and more about my own friends. Apparently some things, you dont face alone. And it just goes to show how well you know your own friends.
And how well you know yourself.

Discovering that I really really hate it for people to care in that touchy-feely way. For some reason I just can't stand it. If I want you to know, I'll tell you. It's basically as simple as that.

Have you ever felt that when one piece of shit happens, not so much a deluge but an avalanche of shit follows behind? Life can be such a pain in the rear. Or everywhere for that matter. And I wandered around school today like an emo kid (HAHA who says i can't be emo). Some things you just cant escape.

Ah what a post. So intellectually stimulating.
Or not.
At least to me it is(: (because i just realised the thoughts dont flow at all and theyre all over the place)

till the time ran out ♥

I'm going to keep these memories. Close this chapter, let's move on.
Maybe it hurts but that's just the way it is. Like Leona Lewis said, it'll all get better in time.
And I've discovered that like every cloud has a silver lining, in every pile of shit grows a pretty flower.
Bad analogy but you get my drift.

In the midst of all the shit happening at once, I found that it took someone unexpected to make my day. You made me think about what I did, was doing, am doing, have done. Past, present and future. You made me come clean about it for the first time and realise that it linked to what recently happened and helped me figured out that was why it hurt more. Talking to you about it, telling you about it and how it felt, I've about only one thing to say. I'm damn glad I have a friend like you. Maybe you don't know it but you seriously helped a lot.

Because even you believe in me, I will try my best and try to believe in myself to.
Burned, burnt, burnt up- David Lurie said in Disgrace.
Perhaps you're right. Maybe I needed to be burnt to grow and mature into a better, stronger person. And maybe one day I'll be able to talk freely and look back and smile at how it changed me.

No one said it would be easy. But one thing's for sure. If you can believe the best of me even when you see the worst of me, that must be reason enough for me to believe in myself and try.

innocent till proven guilty ♥

One last thing to say before I jump back into the mugger mood.

I FEEL LIKE RIPPING THE PILLOW APART LIKE THE DOG DID. 

Why, you might ask?

BECAUSE. 

Horror of horrors, I've put on a DEVASTATING 2 KILOGRAMS since Spoons started.

WHICH WAS ONE WEEK AGO.

There is absolutely no emoticon to express  my disgust, horror  frustration, annoyance etc etc. 

BLEAH. Life sucks.

 

For the un-informed, Spoons are Promos. 

Don't believe me? Try typing Promos into your handphone using the dictionary. 

Bet you just did! ((:

I swear to lose the weight after my shopping spree. I refuse to allow myself to expand into the size of a tree trunk. Or worse, have fat legs that look like te ka's.
te ka's mean pig legs in dialect btw.

now, back to the books.

we rely on each other for warmth, reassurance, support and love ♥

no, brenda, that sentence wasnt for you. 

and btw i interpreted the rodents same as zhao. 

haha i'll reply your spammage tmr after my pre-shopping spree shopping spree at ikea.

 

Was doing math today and as usual, trying to decipher the answers (which skip so many steps!!>< ) 

and i laughed. Bitterly. After staring and staring and talking out loud, I couldn't figure it out. 

So I laughed maniacally at the answer paper and in the most FML moment, I looked up to see my dad standing still with an expression of mixed amusement and horror at me. Now we've both concluded that math is NOT the best influence on me. After 10 years in the education system. 

Do you ever get the feeling that some days, you just want to stop pretending and trash everything out? The feeling of wanting to swear violently and punch someone hard in the face to get them to open their eyes and see whats going on? 

Seems like JC really brings the best and worst out of you. Although I have to admit my temper is definitely more under control now. Though its still worse than Krakatoa's massive eruption without proper, uh, regulation (ha! I am an economics student (: )

Call me petty or whatever. I am a girl with a long memory for past mistakes. 

Like they say, girls forgive but never forget. And maybe I'm cold-hearted or whatever. I've discovered an innate ability to coldly ignore like liquid nitrogen in the face of april when I want to. And for some reason, screw it, IDC. and so, you shouldn't either.

 

Would you please just piss off? 

-Marlene, Top Girls

ah, the essence of a modern woman (:

 

stand still and watch the world zoom past ♥

One thing that stops when you want it to go and goes when you want it to stop.

Time must be a teenager.

And I'm standing here wondering, is this really what's meant to be?
Like the PC today, which i smoked my way through. Something about detachment from emotions, just left with the superficiality of life.

Am also really really wishing that by some fluke shot, I can scrap through this math paper.
I've sworn at the coffee table, looked to the ceiling for enlightenment and came up with my own theory: to integrate you must first permutate. Oh wait that isn't true, it only sounds right because it rhymes.
I curse you, the idiot who invented math. I swear you had far too much time on your hands.

And geog. WHY are we studying theories that no one has a definite answer to. Oh we don't know how meanders form, let's just look for a theory, pretend we believe it and talk about it like it's tried, tested and proven.
Why don't we just form our own theory while we're at it. At least it'll make sense to us.

Spoons is turning out to be a real nightmare.
Only one thing to say though. If I pass geography this time without much studying, I'm going to keep it at H2. At least I know I can do it if I put in more effort.

To you. Please give me my space. I know I'm being a ***** but we're totally on the wrong frequencies and I don't feel any communication at all. tbh I'm not even trying now and somehow it just doesn't bother me. Seems like I'm turning into that detached woman in the PC.

Why has everything social come to a point where I can't be bothered to put in effort? I have no idea.

TWO MORE DAYS. and i'll be free to go on my once-in-a-few-years shopping spree (:
p.s. brendalow i miss you so much i need someone i can be direct with and share my thoughts and feelings with and i know youre always there haha

im gonna live forever, im gonna learn how to fly ♥

After three hours of non-stop writing, that's really all you wish to see.

Before that ever elusive A anyway.

never listen to yourself when you're in a state of uncertainty ♥

This is economics. Or what we should be studying anyway. like geography, where nothing is certain and theyre all theoretical. 

I AM GOING TO

ACE

FAIL  

PASS ECONS 

its do or die, and it happens in another (omg). 

 

NINE AND A HALF HOURS.

and i dont know what i know and i dont know what i dont know.

 

FML

dance like nobody's watching ♥

One down, four more to go.

And i just spent 40 minutes watching dance videos on Youtube from Step Up (2006)

I can't believe the chemistry between Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan. Watching them dance together is  the polar opposite of watching Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato gaze into each others' eyes in Camp Rock.
Then again, they got married (according to Wikipedia) after four years of dating.

Point is, after watching all these videos, I realised that no matter how much I deny it, some part of me really misses dancing.

Oh well. By the way, to my dear porcupine, remember the lessons learnt today.

One, to know where you're going so no one (like bryan or me) can trick you.

and TWO. not to hit someone whose chest is almost non-existant with a file. It really really hurts. (:

lets end it off with another video from Step Up - the dance on the rooftop.

♥ ♥ ♥ 

fall into the world ♥

Like a baby coming into the world; passing into this unfamiliar environment.

Looking back, I feel like I've grown, if only a little. In the transition from a mixed primary school to an all girls' school, to junior college, from those sheltered environments.

Stepping out of secondary school, going to work, and landing in JC, I guess the experiences in-between 2008-2009 have really made an impact on me. JC may still be sheltered, but at least I feel like I've seen enough to not be completely oblivious and living in my pretty little fantasies.

Call me cynical if you will.

You see, in sec school, everyone was pretty well-to-do, it felt like no one ever had to worry about money and never had to work a day in their lives. And the world simply revolved around you, yourself, always seeing the happy little endings that you dream of. Sure, you know that other (not-so-nice) people exist, but you always seem to think that hey look, im never going to meet these people. 

Then you graduate, leave that sheltered little world, step into the workplace for a week or so. Going there was an experience I don't ever regret. It really opened my eyes. It was something that school couldn't ever teach, despite the hefty fees we had to fork out. You realise the world isn't all made up of the same kinds of people. That there are many different ways to see and approach a situation.
 It opened my mind, if only a little, to what the world can be.

Was it fun?
There's no denying working there was. But it's not always about the enjoyment and the good stuff.
People say, In every cloud there's a silver lining.
the only part they leave out is the vice versa.
Consider the other side then, that every bad experience showed me how ugly people can be. But with every experience I've come away wiser, stronger and (hopefully) more mature. And that includes the JC experiences.

Douglas Jerrold once said that it takes all sorts of people to make a world. 

But first, we have to step out of our own little worlds to see the people that exist in the big world.

Just a few days ago, I was in the lift with this family and heard the lady talking to her young son and she said to him,  "You're the luckiest boy!" 
 Now how many parents tell their children this? My initial response was  yeah yeah thats what they all say
But thinking about it, this is how sheltered an environment we've grown up in.
Not like my parents told me that anyway.


Realistically speaking,
It's time to outgrow those childish ideals.
Time to grow up and step out of your sheltered little life.


I guess I'm growing up, but part of me still knows how to be a child.

p.s. omg i wrote an entire essay while thinking. @.@

learn to see things from another perspective (:

 men are from mars, women are from venus ♥

 

See the picture? 

Both made of a few lines but then the differences are so obvious.

And in real life the differences are even more distinct. 

Yes, girls are complicated creatures. 

Interesting, really, to see how each gender thinks and acts.

Funny how girls tend to always say one thing and mean another and for guys, well, its pretty straightforward most of the time. 

You're never going to find an answer that fits all- that's the plain truth for both genders. 

Especially for girls though. 

 

anw.

BRENDALOW I WANT T SKYPE YOU AGAIN HAHA (:

SEE YOU SOON ((:

 

Two hours ago, that was what I was going through.   

A DISASTER.

One with the severity of the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.

One with the emotional trauma like that following the Chernobyl nuclear reactor accident in 1986. 

And it was deja vu from last year all over again. Kind of like bad re-runs really. 

The 2009 disaster. (encore of 2008) Wonder what happened? 

.

.

.

I realised i was (s)tone deaf DURING the exam. 

Sad, isn't it?

Okay no, seriously. It was way worse. More like the slightly less than average playing of pieces, then screwed up scales, horrible tempo for sight reading ( yes I am so not fated to play the drums or any rhythmically inclined instrument) and it ended off with a terrible aural exam. 

And that's just to sum it all up. 

disasterdisasterdisaster. 

Thankfully, its over.

Now to cross my fingers, toes and whatever and hope to goodness I SCRAPE through this exam.

Now, on a last note (literally) on the healthcare reforms in the US and "racist" comments etc etc.

hopefully, the Americans will listen to Michael Jackson just a little more. 

heal the world.

we could fly, so high

let our spirits never die

in my heart, 

i feel you are all my brothers♥

be (we) any colour of the rainbow-- Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird.

 

ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony; 

when you know know the words to sing, you can sing most anything

 ♥

Lets start with some statistics. 

Tomorrow marks the end of : 

an EIGHT year journey in black and white. 

THREE HUNDRED PLUS dollars to make me cry 

HUNDREDS of music notes read

TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars invested.

spanning EIGHT grades. actually no, make that SIX grades. plus TWO years of pre-grade 1.

With that, i proudly declare that tomorrow marks the end of a love-hate relationship.

Music is a form of expression, a declaration of emotions.

It brings out what no words can ever say, and yet it says more with each and and every note that my beloved piano has ever played. 

Do you know the feeling? When you just sit in front of those keys and play, not from the notes on the score in front of you, but truly, sincerely, from your heart.

Which brings me back to this quote from last year.

Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart

It's time to throw away all the obligation to playing for that piece of paper. Maybe it's time to ask yourself, when was the last time you played something that you really meant, something that spoke for you and came from deep inside? 

i've been missing this.

p.s. that really is my darling piano in the photo and my oh-so-wonderful (yes, note the sarcasm) exam book.

 

to make me stronger; that's why you go away, i know.
---

and thats the way i loved you ♥

Just when you think its all over, it all comes back again. Why is it so hard to walk back down through memories? To look at the photos and it seems like that's all thats left, and everything in your heart, your mind, slowly fades with time, like a photograph turning yellow.
And it just makes me want to cry.

I know i have to do this and I know that even amidst the pain, I will grow to become a stronger person.
Because, this is a part of life that i cannot run from.Not now, not ever.
I don't regret knowing you, loving you.  I'm only regretting what i didnt show, like the many times i walked out that door, past your back without speaking.I walked on past then.
I should have spent more time with you and i didn't.
I should have told you how much i loved you and i didn't.
I should have appreciated how much you loved me and cared for me and tried to speak my language.
I didn't.
I didn't
And now i cant change anything.
onerepublic was right. its too late to apologize.
whats the use of regretting everything now when it all comes 8 years too late? Ultimately its too late to regret, too late to make amends, too late to go back.

I'm sorry. Would you forgive me if you could hear me?