new blog. shawnnie.livejournal.com

I'm hoping that the pressure will get into me soon. Exams are coming soon!!!

I know I've posted this before, but I feel it still speaks alot. The words say it all actually. I always feel so touched after hearing this song. Touched, sad, grateful and repentant.

Why, by Nichole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day 
Just me and my Daddy 
He said I'd finally reached that age 
And I could ride next to him on a horse 
That of course was not quite as wide 

We heard a crowd of people shouting 
And so we stopped to find out why 
And there was that man 
That my dad said he loved 
But today there was fear in his eyes 

So I said "Daddy, why are they screaming? 
Why are the faces of some of them beaming? 
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe? 
I'll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows 
Daddy, please can't you do something? 
He looks as though He's gonna cry 
you said he was stronger than all of those guys 
Daddy, please tell me why 
Why does everyone want him to die?" 

Later that day the sky grew cloudy 
And Daddy said I should go inside 
Somehow he knew things would get stormy 
Boy was he right 
But I could not keep from wondering 
If there was something he had to hide 

So after he left I had to find out 
I was not afraid of getting lost 
So I followed the crowds 
To a hill where I knew men had been killed 
And I heard a voice come from the cross 

And it said, "Father, why are they screaming? 
Why are the faces of some of them beaming? 
Why are they casting their lots for My robe? 
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows 
Father, please can't You do something? 
I know that You must hear My cry 
I thought I could handle the cross of this size 
Father, remind Me why 
Why does everyone want Me to die? 
When will I understand why?" 

"My precious Son, I hear them screaming 
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming 
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own 
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know 
But this dark hour I must do nothing 
Though I've heard Your unbearable cry 
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies 
Soon You'll see past their unmerciful eyes 
Look there below, see the child 
Trembling by her father's side 
Now I can tell You why 
She is why You must die"

There's Easter after every Good Friday. =)

I'm still quite baffled at the fact that many of us still uses vulgarities. I think we ought to examine ourselves, and of course examine the term vulgarity. What kind of words would be considered vulgar? Everyone knows the f-word is definitely vulgar. But some words are in a grey area to me. Words like sh*t, b*sket, a*shole, what the h*ll, d*mn. I think these words shouldn't be said as well. But I still use those grey area words. 

With the same mouth we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. James 3:9-10

It's been put so blatantly in the Bible for all of us to see. I do admit I used to use the f-word alot when I was in sec school. I thought it was fun, cause everyone was saying it. Then as I grew older I just found that it was plain stupid. Its like smoking. You get addicted, and you keep doing it, not even realising that you're just harming your ownself. 

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

This is the guideline given by God for us to follow. So according to this, we shouldn't even be saying those grey area words. I think we should make an effort to encourage each other, and of course to control ourselves to not blurt out those words. We have the Holy Spirit in us. Surely God doesn't speak vulgarites right. So we ought not to do it!!!

It was during a church service when I felt a nudge from God. But somehow everything was quickly ignored once I stepped out of church. Something's wrong.

I realised there're 2 kinds of Christians. Well, I guess both are similiar in a way that they accepted Christ in their lives. The difference would be how 1 kind would really go all out to be close to God and treat Him as their personal friend, while the other just treats Him as someone who helps you when you are in trouble. I'm really guilty of being the 2nd kind, and yes I'm determined to change to become the 1st kind, but it takes alot of passion and eagerness to be one. I can say I don't have that kind of passion right now. I hope I do find it soon. 

I've kept on saying I want to change, but I end up not changing. People may say its all about discipline. But I beg to differ. It doesn't take discipline to cause you to talk to God. It takes desperation, eagerness. Sadly I don't have any of that.

It has been wonderful. The sending offs, the flight, the arrival, the settling in, everything!! Although I'm still not that used to doing stuff in Australia, I think I'm starting to =). Kenneth's uncle and his family has been wonderful, treating me really well. I'm grateful. But still I think I'd prefer to stay on my own. Personal reasons. It's such a chore looking for apartments to stay in. Its soooo difficult!! But still, everythings great here. Starting school tomorrow. Orientation. Totally looking forward to it haha! Meeting new people and stuff. It's gonna be very exciting! Whee~!!

This is long overdue, but yes America was a bomb I tell you! It was so fun. Maybe its because of the company. I really enjoyed myself. The scenery, the bus rides playing cards, the hotels, the photo-taking, the theme parks. I tell you everything there was awesome! [Bar the weather that is haha!] 

Rating: ***** =)

When I'm asked to look back to the time when I actually encountered God, I'll most probably struggle to find even one incident. I look into the mirror, and who do I see? I see a boy, with a normal face, with normal features (other that the eye) and also normal emotions. I'll be deceiving myself if I were to say my life right now is actually going pretty fine, with nothing to worry about. It's been a struggle. To actually live fully for God's glory. I know its expected of us, and on the contrary we always fall short of His standard, but somehow this word doesn't exist. The word TRY. I don't try this, I don't try that. I don't try making an effort to please God, I don't try making an effort to spend time with Him, I don't try making an effort to love the unlovable. *Maybe that's why I don't even feel God near. No wonder I can't think of any incident* I've said before, that I always envy people who are able to have God so so close to them, and its like He's part of them. But someone told me, that I shouldn't rely on these people to assist my relationship with God, because if so happen they stumble, I'll stumble with them.

So many things have been taught to me, so many things have been taught by me, and yet nothing has changed. Is it that I'm indulging too much in the world? I want to see it that way, because I know that I still have hope. But yes its really URGHHH to know that all your actions do not please God.

As a leader, I've always asked my kids, "who is Jesus to you?" I think I really have to ask myself that right now. I believe that Jesus came down to save us from slavery of sin. But I think that is who Jesus is to me at the moment. When will I be able to tell people, "Jesus is my best friend, I talk to Him everyday, He's my Saviour, He saves me from darkness, He's my comforter, He's always there for me when I'm down, He's my God, and I willingly give my life to Him cause He loves me so much."

Please wake up your idea BOY!!! Get real now!

Sometimes I really wonder if I worry too much. So much things have gone through my head, without any answers being shown to me at all. It was only like a few days ago when I realised that everything that I'm worrying about is stupid and pointless, yet I'm still troubled by it. Maybe its just due to my own selfish ambition or whatsoever, but I hate being like this. I want to feel assured. I want to know that everything is alright, just as it was in the past. But sometimes people do not realise that its soooooo difficult. How can we even start to understand why all these are going on. It's just stupid thinking on my part again I guess. I really don't know why. Maybe I'm just being sensitive? Or maybe paranoid? Why can't I get this kind of thing right in my life? I feel like shit. But thanks to those who know what I'm going through, cause they've been there for me and made me happy. =)

I sometimes can't help it but envy some people. Them having such a wonderful relationship with God, treating Him as their Daddy, their friend, their comforter, their lover. I don't know why I can't do that. Maybe its because I'm not close to God at all!? Maybe that's why I'm still unsure of so many things! All I can say about myself is that right now, I'm living a sucky life. I'm selfish. 

Thanks to all who were with me yesterday. Thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I'm feeling rather frustrated now. Yes that's what I'm feeling. 

As I look back this past month, I can't help but wonder to myself, why can't I just learn from my mistakes, and its even after I know the consequences and the need for doing things right. 

It all went back to my normal lifestyle 2 weeks after my op. Its very bad. But one day I read something about complaining. And the fact that I'm always complaining about army and stuff. Maybe I should give that a stop, but its tough since no one likes army (okay generally there're a few who do). But I think right now its alright with me, since I'm left with about 78 days? Yay!

It all suddenly daunt onto me that I really want to go university desperately. I dont know why, I just felt the desire to meet new people, to actually begin to study. So weird.

I'm sort of caught up with a decision. The decision of what to do next year. I've been given a chance by God to join trackers, this 3 month "course" which ends with a mission trip and a 1 month intern in church. Or I could apply to teach in a primary school (which is awesome since all primary schools will just have morning session from next year onwards, which means working hours very short) or maybe just volunteer at faithacts. Many have asked me to go for trackers, and yes it does sound fun, but I dont know if I'm able to take it. I have been talking to people who have been through it, and they told me that it was a very good experience, although someone mentioned that it was very shiong. Time is running out for me to sign up for trackers. My mum also encouraged me to join. Maybe I will. Depends. Right now I just hope for time to pass as quickly as possible now. =)

It was a painful experience for me. I went in at about 2pm. Lied on the bed for about an hour before my doctor attended to me. She told me the whole procedure was very short, but it seemed so long to me. As I was lying there, I kept calling out for God to hold my hand. I was sure He was there. Hence I carried on in peace. I remembered the doctor dripping a few numbing eye drops before carrying on with the whole thing.

1st she put a wire to keep my eyes open at all times, and then she took out a small blade and started scrapping off some stuff of my cornea. I couldn't feel anything, but I could see some stuff clustering at the tip of my eyes as she scrapped. At that time I knew that it would definitely hurt after this numbing thing is gone. After that, they proceeded to push me into another room to put eye drops. Now my eyes couldn't feel anything, but it was like torture. It was required that they put this yellow eye drop into my eye every 2 minutes for 30 mins. At this pt in time my eyes were sort of "dead" and I couldn't really open my eyes, and they kept making me open my eyes every 2 mins to put the drop. It was so frustrating.

Next, they pushed me into another room to carry on with this thing. They shone this UV light straight into my eyes for another 30 mins. Well of course they put the wire to keep my eyes open. It was crazy looking at it for 30 mins. It didn't help that my back was hurting like crazy at that time. After everything, it was about 5.30 and they pushed me out. I couldn't feel anything with my eyes, not at that moment though, and I thought it was going to be alright. When I went home, the pain came. I couldn't take it, ate 2 panadols and went to sleep straight away. It wasn't that bad today.

All in all, I want to thank God for seeing me through this whole thing. I worried for nothing. Also are the people whose messages before everything encouraged me. =) Thanks to Megan, Elisabeth, Yongzhi, Kenneth, Damien, Megan's mum. I appreciate it. =)

*I'm even struggling like crazy when I'm typing these out. Haiz.*

I may have found out something that I didn't think I wanted to know during YMLC, but if it ever changes anything, then good for me. But, I don't think I have the knowledge or anything to deal with it.

I cried myself to sleep. Why? Because I was so afraid. I was so uncertain. I was so unsure. Didn't God promise He will always be with me? Then why am I feeling like this? I didn't know what to expect. What if it doesn't go as well as I wanted it to? I kept thinking of the risks involved. They just block out my whole mind.

There's something thats still confusing me quite a little. Worry begins with a thought, and you have to get rid of that thought. But if there's something coming up that's quite big, and as the day approaches, you know that your mind is bound to have thoughts of it. You can't deny the fact that it's approaching. How do we clear our minds of that thought? It's just so tough. Yes I know the knowledge and stuff, but when it comes down to actions, I find it very hard to do it, or more so I don't know how to do it.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will we not fear, tough the earth do change. And though the mountains be shaken into the heart of the seas. Though the waters thereof roar and be trouble. though the mountains tremble with the swelling thereof. There is a river, the streams whereof make glad the city of God. The holy place of the tabernacles of the Most High. God is in the midst of her. She shall not be moved: God will help her and that right early. The nations raged, the kingdoms moved: He uttered his voice, the earth melted. Jehovah of hosts s with us: The God of Jacob is our refuge. Come, behold the works of Jehovah. What desolations he hath made in the earth. He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth. He breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder;He burneth the chariots in the fire. Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Jehovah of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. This is my cry Lord. Amen.

Went for my checkup yesterday. It was terrible. It's been so long since I was dilated by the eye drops, which causes me to have a feeling of uneasiness in my throat. The blurry vision, which hinders me to even look at a menu, sensitive eyes that prevents me from walking outside under the sun. It is so irritating. 

The big day, phrased by some people, of my op. 18 Aug. It's so close. It's so fast! According to my doctor, the op will take about 1 hr, of which eye drops will be dripped into my eyes every 5 mins. And after 30 mins (i think) they will shine this UV light into my eye to strengthen the tissues. Well, I don't know exactly what my doctor will do, but I'm trusting God totally (I hope). 

By the stripes that you bore, Lord we have been healed. I want to claim onto this promise Lord. 

I have been afraid and scared. But after today, I want to tell myself that I will not be afraid, cause of the power of the healer. Today worship that song just spoke to me. That reassurance from God was amazing, that I need not fear anything that comes my way. Now I know that I can go for the checkup without any fear, knowing no matter if I go for the op or not, God is doing something with my interest at heart. =)

Healer

You hold my every moment  
You calm my raging seas  
You walk with me through fire  
And heal all my disease  
 
I trust in You   
I trust in You  

I believe You're my Healer  
I believe You are all I need  
I believe You're my Portion  
I believe You're more than enough for me    
Jesus You're all I need  

Nothing is impossible for You  
Nothing is impossible for You  
Nothing is impossible for You  
You hold my world in Your hands