When we choose love, it doesn't only mean to accept and love one at his best, but also to forgive, to bear and to cover when he's at his worst. If you are not ready to do that, do not plunge into a relationship as all you'll find is pain, disappointment and resentment. 

I'm glad we're not there. :)

Season’s Greeting!

Christmas is gaining my favor and has officially become my favorite season of the year (except the cranky weather). I have been shopping at every available juncture I have just so I can see that one more happy face this Christmas. It feels good to be able to start giving without thinking so much about the money. Even though we don’t have too much to begin with, we just want to bless our loved ones with the little we have. It’s the heart that counts, because every gift involved much thoughts and muscle movements ok! Hahaha.

Be blessed friends.

Let’s all be filled with lots of joy that’ll last us for a long long time. J

The impact of a bad happening is twice stronger on a happy occasion than on any other normal day. I give up on being too happy on my birthday. It's ok for it to be another normal day already. I'm saying not out of emotions, but of practical thinking. It's better that way.

Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting them not to. 

I get it now. 

Tomorrow is Lao Niang's 24th birthday. 

It is my time to feel a little more special than any one else. And before I actually get there, I'm already feeling it. :) I realized birthdays have become an annual relationship health check for me. It gives me a slight sense of the depth of each relationship I have built or un-built with different ones. It's been both good and bad news every year. ANYHOW, I'm still a blessed child. 

Here's my ritual to ease some headaches..

A Bicycle

Facial Products

Watch

Clutch for Weddings

Books (Time Keeper by Mitch Albom or the JK Rowling new book)

Macbook Acessories (Keyboard, screen protectors, cover)

Dance Class

 Work bag

Pretty Shoes (Flats or Heels are fine)

Cards...

A Bigger Heart

Deeper Relationships

A Greater Love for God and Peoplesss

More Joy

Even without any of the above, I'm still blessed. :)

I lost all my notes in my iphone. 

$%@!@#!$@%@#$^!@#$&*$&

It's a little hard to accept it when it means that I've lost my revelations, encounters, fav verses and quotes and things I know I need to remember but can't. They're nowhere to be found. :( 

So I guess moving on is the only way to go. 

So pissed with myself.

They're irreplaceable and irretrievable. 

Second overseas trip to Bangkok with the dearest Erika! :)

Time for a lot of shopping.

Mixed Emotions.

Relive moments. 

It was only yesterday when we played catching for 3 minutes did I realize how much I still love it. I don't want to be afraid of what others think of me when I am doing what I love and reliving moments which I miss. It's different from dwelling in the past, it's being reminded of the beautiful moments we'd carelessly taken for granted. Catching is so fun, SO FUN. I guess most of us have already forgotten how that feels. Try it. It doesn't kill to reminisce sometimes. 

Thankful for people who I can be serious and silly with. 

Do while you can.

Since young, one of the things which I'd wished for in the "him" was to be able to read my mind, mostly because I'm a bad communicator. But yeah, I guess that was just a naive thought. It's too much to ask for, not just from the "him" but from anybody.

Eileen, manage your own expectations.

我好像停笔好久了。

在当儿许多的心思意念，情绪波动都不小心被埋没消失了。没有记录的经历被遗忘是好是坏我也不清楚，只感觉好像有一点浪费； 所学的没有办法再复习了。这个被生命旋律给遗弃的纪念册是时候被复活了。我需要重新记得。 

重新学习收集记忆

Think I'll blog about fairytales? NO WAY.

It's about living our rightful lives as children of God. When He is the King and we are His children, it makes us princes and princesses. So what good does a princess do when she walks around downcast? Why does a prince beg when all has been provided for? Why does a princess fear when her Father has all the authority in the world? Why does a prince choose pessimism when all his Father has prepared for him is good. I want to live right. I don't want to live my life circling around who I am, but magnifying who He is and who I can be through Him. 

Because He is the King. I am the Princess.

I want to live like one.

  

But I can't do this on my own. 

I know I am strong enough. But God, if I may request for you to spread my share of tribulations more evenly please? Can I be a weakling sometimes? I'm amused how one week can break me down so much. Take me over. please take me over. 

My imperfections are killing me. 

"Let's talk things out." 

We've all heard that one before. And yes, expect a confrontation following that. Honestly, I'm not fond of confrontations at all; they assume spoken words to be the most effective means of communication when they sometimes are just not. I'm not an eloquent person, I can't verbalise my thoughts and feelings accurately so I tend to silence myself, knowing that what I say may not be helpful. Talking is really not the only form of expression, it just doesn't work well for everyone. At least for me.

Communication is the key to all relationships.

But communication doesn't just come in the form of spoken words. 

I am ridiculous. I can really be ridiculous. 

Aren't we all like kids? We all have meltdowns. Or at least I do. 

Sometimes even without a proper reason. 

Another ugly side of me discovered. 

I've been gone for about 20 years? 

But I am not going to recite what I've been doing during my disappearance act. More than ever before, God has been reminding that our lives are constant mysteries. Most of us are walking not knowing what lies ahead, unsure of the "right path".  We diligently try to plan and predict what the future holds, and we rarely get it. I asked God a million times to guide me, to bring me to where I should be, to tell me what I'm supposed to do. But I realised that ain't working. He doesn't tell you because He wants to walk with you in every step of your way. 

I'm lost but I trust.

I'm afraid but I hope.
"I'm not done with you just yet."

烂！我真的不论做什么都做得不够好。

平时不敢说工作是因为太骄傲，不敢向任何人承认自己做不好，自己软弱，自己差。我真的没有办法不承认自己并不在作盐作光。 我只是在混日子，一天过一天，不知道自己到底哪里，几时才会做得好。有时候，看到朋友的成功也只是对自己残酷的提醒。有朝一日，我真的希望我能找到自己在世上的用处。主啊，不要忘记我。

“他对我说：我的恩典够你用的，因为我的能力是在人的软弱上显得完全。 所以，我更喜欢夸自己的软弱，好叫基督的能力庇护我。我为基督的缘故，就以软弱，凌辱，急难，逼迫，困苦为可喜乐的；因我什么时候软弱，什么时候就刚强了”

This song moved me.
Yet i still don't know how to move.

It so aptly exposed my struggle. 

"The tension is here between who you are and who you could be."

Where can you run to escape from yourself? 

My first tear. 

There always is right and wrong. 

So where do I stand?

Did I mention how awesome my dad is?

He is really one of a kind.
His entire life writes one word: Commitment.

My father never let "walk away" be a choice from all that he has to be; a son, a husband and a father. He lives, he fights, he protects, he supports, he listens, he works, he worries, he cares, he provides, he nags, he does all that he does for us, for the family. When my dad saw Donn, his unsaid "concern" was painted all over his face. It's as if he was saying, "Don't you dare hurt my girl. And please do better than I did for her." Believe it or not, I'm crying as I'm writing this. I know and I know that if ever anything "bad" happen to me, I have a immovable "mountain" to rely on, and that even when he's weak or old, he will not say no to me, he will never give up on me. I don't have everything I want from my dad, but I have everything I need. And that is more than enough. Like Abba, he showed me how to live.

As independent as I am, deep down, I'll always be daddy's girl. 

God, thank you for saving him. :)

It was a once-in-a-lifetime (i hope) incident when I stood and praised God before the church not knowing when and how I should end. Embarrased? Absolutely. Encouraged? Absolutely too. I am so thankful to God for the humbling experience, from which I learnt sooo much. Beyond feeling lousy and angry, I found myself being grateful for what it had been; that the church was supportive, that belle was standing with me, that the muzos and singers fought with me, that I could laugh off the matter, and that God laughed with me. :) Oh, how I love what I am doing for God and with God. :):) It was another 

"pleasant surprise".

Though it was supposed to be my worst, it became my best.

My best lessons are from my biggest mistakes. 

My unspoken fear of losing friends. 

Passive, that's what I am. If you know me enough, you will realised that I am very ready to spare time for my friends, but am never ready to initiate and ask for theirs. So to think that I expect my friends to stay close to me, I wonder where my "confidence" came from. People say friends are in our lives for different seasons, but many times, I get so conscious and insecure when it seems like my season with them is over, like they've moved on from me, to greater people, to better friends. What happened to the "friends for life" we used to so strongly believed in, has it never existed?

I am a friend of God. 

At least I know He'd never get sick of me. :)

I miss You God. 

I want to fall in love with You all over again. 

Rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage. 

Start over the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new.

Whether you realize it or not, time is ticking away. 

It was only when I was idling, did I feel the loud consistence of time. 

It didn't stop for me. And it wouldn't stop for you too. 

For a moment I was a little afraid, afraid that I wouldn't have enough time to know what my destiny is, or worse still, not having enough time to fulfil it when i know it. 

God, take the driver seat please. 

I don't want to waste my time on earth.  

People say happiness is a choice. 

But it's ironic how sorrow is not an option.

We are human. We feel. 

Perspective shift. 

Dr Cho's message really shed hope and brought life.

I want to be different. I want to shine for God. 

Why can't I!! 

God, remember me, use me! 

Creating new memories, new moments, new hopes and new joy. 

Learning how to love again. 

As young as I am in the workforce, I'm already suffering from social awkwardness amongst the working "professionals". This idea of social networking is so daunting and incomprehensible. Ultimately, it's about connecting with people, yet, it's just revolting to know that every move made is filled with selfish intents. Yes, this is life. But I just can't bring myself to perform that act realistically and genuinely. "What do I say?", "What do I have to offer?", "Who are they and what would they like?".. These supposed simple questions have officially become my hardest puzzles and I heartily admire people who does networking like it's second nature to them. This is one of my biggest struggles. I hope someday, I won't have to go through this battle of fear anymore.

Either I be my own boss or welcome to this "dog-eat-dog" world.

I need wisdom. Godly wisdom.

Every now and then I wonder how much easier would things be if I was a more normal "girl". Maybe I'm a mild feminist who believes that ladies shouldn't be treated as the more inferior being despite the fact that we are. I love the fact that I am independent and am perfectly fine with being alone. Yet there are times when I really hope I can be more "gu niang"; to allow myself to rely on people more, to be a little more needy, to whine and get the things I want, to like romantic gestures, to not have to be strong all the time, to love the "cute" things, to express care naturally, to want to talk more, to desire to articulate my feelings and to want to know that I'm loved all the time. Yet currently, those are the things that I dislike, things that I can't even get myself to do. I won't try them because I don't want to. I just genuinely hope that I can be loved for who I am. 

In deep need for normalcy. 

Need to look beyond the shell. 

In every step of my way, I want to hear Your voice.

I promise I will open my ears to listen, and open my heart to obey. I want to know that You are with me always. Never had I doubted Your love for me, but maybe I haven't loved you enough to really know.

I miss You.

Everyone in this world is pursuing this concept call happiness.

Yet, everyone's definition of "Happiness" is so different. We can't impose our ideal "happiness" on others and assume that everyone agrees with our philosophy of what true "happiness" entails. There is no common ground for comparison, we can never compare success and happiness. So many times, society attempts to define for us what "happiness" is; educational excellence, career advancements and promotions, wealth and financial prosperity and etc. But I hope we'll remember to stop sometime, to listen to ourselves and to God. Maybe this is my self-consolation for not excelling. Or maybe I just don't want to strive so hard for a happiness which is not mine. 

I want to know what true happiness is.

When things seem to be heading in a massively wrong direction, don't give up or lose hope. Run confidently with the baton in your hand and know that a steep turn is right ahead. One which you can't see but know is there.

When I can't sing well, He can.

“我要找你的剩余，让你留的影子褪去”

这首歌的词写得太真实，太恰当了。很多次我发现自己在寻找记忆，在不断地让自己不要忘记， 为的只是可以在“以前” 逗留多一下下。那些回忆好像不小心把我带入了亏欠和悔恨， 也不知觉地让我发现了自己对友谊和感情的摧毁力。

不过，我好像做到了。我好像已经踏出这些阴影，跨越心理障碍。 今天，我对每个友情的付出都是真实，是坦然无惧的。我好像没有那么“一个人”了。那些又甜又苦又酸的曾经，老实说，我没有办法忘记，我反而会牢牢的记住，因为没有人会拥有这些属于我唯一一个人的回忆。不过，我可以确实地说，那些影子已经褪去了。

我希望现在和未来的你能和当时的你一样快乐。



Sweet reminiscences. 

Many things happened, yet little remembered. 

Many things said, yet little recalled.

Help me remember. 

At least I can keep them somewhere, somehow. :)
"People might change but there are two things that you can't change them. Their na, and the memories you've had with them" - Will Smith

What's the use of respect when one is dead? Perhaps if we had told them we love them, appreciate them and respect them enough, they would jolly well still be alive. I guess my point is: give everyone their due respect when they are still breathing, not when they're gone. 

Bye Whitney.

"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding." 

Matthew 6:1 (MSG)

My sole audience.

Do we really have a hand in our future? 

We are living in a world with unexplainable & unpredictable variables. When we give our all to the pursuit of our dream future, who can ensure that it'll go according to plan? When we strive so hard to reach "that" point, who can ensure that it's exactly where we belong? I see friends creating their futures, and I am inspired. But I still can't see mine, so how can I start creating it? 

He reigns over all. He oversees all. 

I am not the best. And will never be. 

But I want to be Your vessel, to obey You and to follow You. 

".. for My strength is made perfect in weakness.."

Stop looking at the phone every other minute.

It doesn't change anything.

it just doesn't.

Times when you know you are not alone, yet you feel so alone. 

What an unhealthy start. 

Walk out of it Eileen. Walk out. :(:(
I need some time alone. 

It's only the beginning of the year. 

 Not only have I no resolutions set, I feel so impaired, so broken. 

They say it's going to be ok, it's a new year with a new start. But it's not when the same wound keeps getting hacked, and the same nightmare keeps haunting you. I'm finding myself staring into blank spaces, tearing unknowingly. I'm finding the brave fronts harder to hold up each day. I'm getting more apprehensive of what's ahead. 

I'm sorry I'm only human.

God, help me be brave. 

The wounds of the heart are the hardest to heal. 

They're like an incurable disease which leaves scars and cripples you everytime you fall. 

Perhaps I had just been purely irritating and noisy.

Perhaps I haven't done enough.

Perhaps my impact was just minimal. 

Times when I feel really dispensable

God, make me a better person in 2012.