The first time with you.

Seeing Masen for the first time was the most emotional experience I've ever had. So many different thoughts ran through my head. I thought, "Wow! I made this cute, perfect little human?!" I was surprised she looked so big and perfect. A lot of newborn babies look kinda ugly, so I mean I wasn't expecting much. I'm not trying to brag too much about her but, seriously. She was so beautiful! I was bummed I only saw her for less than a minute. While I was getting stitched up, I couldn't really remember what she looked like anymore. I think it was from all the pain medication. I kept asking when I would get to see her.

When I came out of surgery, it was great to see all the supportive family members waiting for me in the hospital room. My mom kept hugging me telling me how beautiful she was. I asked everyone where she was and how she was doing. Everyone kept telling me that she was super pretty,  really big and just perfect. Hearing those words come from everyone made me feel a little better, but I was still concerned because it had felt like forever since I saw her. I felt kind of empty not seeing her or feeling her in my stomach. When I looked down I just saw my regular stomach, no baby bump. I kept grabbing my stomach, and let me tell you. It feels so weird to be pregnant for almost a year then all of a sudden have no baby in you! It's like you can punch your spine by pushing into your stomach. Your hand literally goes in that much.

At 12:30 AM on 4/20/14 they took me down to the mother and baby floor, to room 426. I was still doped up from the pain meds. While they were wheeling my bed down, it felt so weird. My mind kept running with all these thoughts I can't even describe. The closer we got the more nervous I got. I was scared she was going to cry non stop when I held her. I was nervous that she wasn't going to like me. Once we got into the room, which can I say definitely looked different after a night of sleep. I thought Masen was going to be in there already. they kept checking all of these stupid things on me. They kept asking me all of these stupid questions. Like, c'mon. Speed it up, people want to see their babies!

As they were wheeling Masen in, I again got nervous. When I held her she was so calm. She had the most amazing big eyes.

She didn't cry when I held her. Her little fingers were so long and pretty. Her nose looked just as I imagined. Her mouth, just amazing. Every part of her looked either how I imaged or better. Seeing your child for the first time and holding them is like no feeling you'll ever feel. It's instant love at first sight. I mean I loved her when she was in my belly. But, you sort of forget all the pain you endured for this moment. I am so glad I became a mother. Although, I wish it would've happened later in life where I could've been more responsible and had better finances, I wouldn't change her or anything about it for the world.

(Sorry that I look so pale and sick. I had to get two blood transfusions because of my iron levels) This picture still shows the best day ever. I wish I had more pictures of our first moment.

Masen, if you ever read this when you're older, I just want you to know I love you so much and I'm glad I have you in my life. My life everyday is a gift because I get to spend it with you. You're the most perfect, amazing girl and I can't wait to see you grow up and accomplish so much. It makes me so proud everyday to see you growing and progressing. The first time I held you, you picked up your head by yourself! Yesterday, you gave me the biggest smile when we were just looking into each other's eyes. It made me tear up seeing your love for me. I look forward to seeing you everyday for the rest of your life.  

I love you, you'll always be my baby.

My Birth Story!

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I decided I should post my birth story for those who are curious.

We'll start from the last month of being pregnant, which can I say is definitely the longest, more the last two weeks! My first 1 weekly appointment started at 36 weeks, like most other women. I was sort of dreading it because of course, you're getting your cervix checked which is extremely uncomfortable and awkward. After getting my cervix checked I was then told I was at a little under a 1. I was pretty pumped because my mom kept telling me about her experience and that she never even dilated. So, I kind of had the thought in the back of my mind that maybe I would have a vaginal birth, even though my whole life I had the expectation of a C-Section in the back of my mind. Which don't get me wrong, I was totally 100% cool with it and actually wanted it. Anyway, they measured my stomach and from previous measurements and ultrasounds Masen was measuring one week big. At our 34 week ultrasound she was measuring 5 lbs 7 oz.

At 37 weeks, I was getting so impatient. I just wanted to go into labor or get induced. I knew Masen was full term. On our way to the doctor's office, Cameron and I kept talking about how much we thought I'd be dilated. I guessed a 2, he guessed 1. We got there and my lovely nurses there said, "You look like you're ready to be done!"  By this point, I was already sick of the people at work saying the same thing, as well as a variation of "Oh! You haven't had her yet?" At this appointment the nurse was noticing my blood pressure was a little high. It was typically pretty low. When Dr. McCarter came in he said, "Congrats! You're full term!" I quickly stated, "I know! Now we just need her to be born!" I was told I was 1 cm. In my head I was thinking WOOOOW, are you serious? Again, my stomach measuring one week ahead. Cameron and I got in the car and I bawled my eyes out. Him being the nice caring husband he is encouraged me that everything will be fine. I went back to work.(I would go to my appointments while I was on lunch)

When 38 weeks came a long, I was going insane. Everyone at work would piss me off so bad. I wanted to hit everyone. I left that week on my lunch to go to my Dr. appointment. When we got there, the nurse says "no baby yet?" as we're going to the back, I just smirked and stood on the stupid scale I was stepping on for the last 8 months. Once again, 1cm and blood pressure high. My Dr. had advised me he would be out of town next week. I was so mad, sad, scared and a combination of other mixed emotions. I wanted her here ASAP but I didn't want to do it without him. 

During that long week where each day in itself felt like a week long; I kept hoping I would have Masen but then would quickly remember that my Dr was  out of town. I would cry to Cameron in frustration. He kept assuring me that my Dr would be there to deliver. No baby that week.

My Dr was finally back for my 40 week appointment, it was the day before my due date my due date(4/16/14). I ignored the ladies at the front desk and the nurses because I would hear the same thing from everyone else. By this time I had been feeling a lot of pressure since the week before. I was thinking maybe I'd at least be a 2. And nope, still a 1. At this point  I became very discouraged. My Dr said he couldn't induce people before 41 weeks without a medical issue. This was a Wednesday. He said he wanted me to come in on Friday to do a stress test and check my blood pressure. If everything was good, he'd induce me a week later if I didn't go into labor naturally. Once again, leave the Dr's crying. On 4/16 was my last day at work. I sorta wished I would've finished out the week, but unfortunately my leave was already put in. 

I went to my appointment on Friday, 4/18 I went in at 9 AM. My mom was with me. They hooked me and baby up to monitors. Her heart rate would go high 180's then as low as 109. The monitor we were hooked to started beeping. It beeped for 30 minutes. After every 5 min would pass, I would get more worried. My blood pressure was measured before this, and it was high. Finally the nurse came in and turned it off. My mom and I went into the ultrasound room with my Dr. he checked position of Masen, and she was low and facing the right way. He tested the fluid levels around her and they were low. He wanted me to go to the hospital that day to get induced. I set up the appointment for 6:30 PM. Cameron did not go with me to this appointment as he was working. Immediately I emailed him and told him what I was told. He was so excited that we had a date/time we were going to the hospital. He was so excited he asked me if he should leave. He normally got off at 5:30 PM and at this time it was approximately 10:40 AM. 

At 6:30 I drove myself and Cameron to the hospital. I thought it was super awesome I did that. I got ready and settled in room LD26 at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center(aka Provo Hospital) When we got there, they put a cervix softening thingie on. it's called cervidil, it stayed there for 12 hrs. It was super annoying and I didn't feel any contractions. After the 12 hrs, I got switched to Pitocin. They checked my cervix and was only at a 2. after 2 hrs of pitocin i was at a 2 1/2 and they thought i was going to progress well. At this point I still never felt contractions. My Dr wanted to break my water, he told me it would hurt and start hurting after that, that he recommends an epidural. I was totally game with the idea. The anaesthesiologist was amazing. He did great with making sure he didn't hurt me too bad. I felt the medication pretty quickly.  After this I was going very slow. I was feeling wayyy to numb. I asked them if they could turn down the epidural. The anaesthesiologist said, "Are you sure? We've never been asked if it could be turned down." They turned it down and turned up the pitocin more. My contractions were lasting up to 5 minutes and would be 2 minutes apart. I was dilated to a 4. The entire time I had great support with both of our families. Everyone was wanting to be there at the hospital and my best friend Anguie, kept texting me to see how I was doing. After messing with the pitocin a lot. The Dr said if I don't progress from a 4 to a 6 within the next hr, he would take me back into surgery for a c-section. I was so happy. It scared me so bad to think about having a vaginal birth. The entire time we were at the hospital, they said I would go back for surgery if I didn't progress then they would take me back. Unfortunately, I would progress by like half a cm. 

After 28 long hours of labor, they took me back for a c-section. The medication they put in your epidural for the c-section is really strong. My body reacted really weird to it. My entire body would shake really bad. Everyone was around me looking super concerned but I couldn't control it. I was feeling really loopy. I will never forget the expression my mom had on her face when she saw them taking me back. When they put me on the operating table, I was terrified. I was so scared that I would feel the pain. I kept telling Cameron that I was scared I was going to feel them cutting me like when I got stitches. I told the Dr as well. He said that I wouldn't feel it, but I kept insisting. He told me he had already started cutting. I was so happy I didn't feel it. The feeling I could feel was the most bizarre thing. It literally felt like I was a banana being peeled. I could feel the pressure releasing from every layer being cut. I could hear snapping through my body from the tissue being cut. I could feel when they were pulling her out. I remember hearing, "Daddy, get ready. She's almost here." As soon as I heard someone say she was out, I kept asking what time it was. The nurse was walking by to show her to me. Unfortunately I could not see her as Cameron was in the way. I kept asking one of the Drs when I got to see my baby because I hadn't seen her yet. 

Hearing her cry for the first time was the biggest relief. She was born on 4/19/14 at 10:52 PM. She was 8 lbs 11 oz and 20" long!  After she got cleaned up, Cameron brought her to me. I couldn't believe she was mine! I was expecting her to look kinda weird, because to me newborns look odd. But, she was so perfect. She was so big. Her big beautiful eyes were wide open. I was in love. At this point all of my insides were being put back into me and the pressure made me throw up. I kept saying, "I'm not throwing up because I saw her. I'm throwing up because my guts are going back in."

Cameron had to take her to the nursery. I was still in surgery. The nurses and Drs in the room kept talking to me, telling me how pretty and big she was. The Dr told Cameron that there was no way Masen could've been born vaginally.  After surgery, I had to wait a whole hour to see and hold my baby for the first actual time. 

I'm so grateful I had her and how it turned out. 

I love you Masen Ann Larsen.