Nobody puts Wookiee in a corner...

Say it ain't so. Chewbacca apparently has gone over to the Dark Side.

According to this story, a street performer in California who was dressed as everyone's favorite cuddly Wookiee got a bit aggressive and head butted a tour guide in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. This, after being accused of “harassing and touching tourists." I can't think of anything worse than being groped by a six-foot tall bipedal hairy dog. I believe it was Kelly Ripa who said, "I don't know where that hand’s been!”

These performers hang around outside of the theater hoping for some loose change for a hard day's work. Let's not even stop to consider where Chewbacca would store his money. I'm more interested in what precipitated this aggressiveness. I can just picture some random guy walking past saying, "Hey buddy, you don't see ME out here crying cuz no one will give him a dollar!" And some other clever individual remarking, "That's because schmucks don't rip people's arms out of their sockets when they don't get their money." All accompanied by the hideous Wookiee mating song.

Based on the story, there did not seem to be any particular Star Wars theme going on with the street performers. It was a veritable hodgepodge of fictional characters. Giving new meaning to the term "Character Witnesses," bystanders included Superman, Buzz Lightyear, and Homer Simpson. Heck, why not bring in Brainy Smurf as an expert witness and Harvey Birdman as prosecutor?

This story is chock-full of amusing sound bites, but here is one of my favorite statements:

“Two years ago, Mr. Incredible, Elmo the Muppet and the dark-hooded character from the movie "Scream" were arrested for "aggressive begging," the L.A. Times reported.”

I gotta ask… who was the MORON who let that unholy triumvirate come together???

Blinded me with SCIENCE!!

I'm throwing out this plea to any and all science teachers who may be reading this blog. I would love to hear from you any fun (or even boring) hands-on activities that relate to the states of matter. We have been reading about solids, liquids, and gases and discussing, but I'd like to do something more concrete with them.

And I don't mean pushing them into the bathroom and saying, "You should be able to find all three states in this room!"

Anybody? My undying gratitude for anyone who shares in the next couple of days.

The events of the week

I just got back from a Super Bowl watching party, and I am very happy that the Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears, 29-17. Way to go Manning!! Other meaningful moments during the NFL telecast:
A dearth of funny commercials.
Don Shula competing against Jay-Z in what appeared to be a holographic Madden:2035.
Prince performing a shadow puppet show, and using his uniquely shaped guitar to
represent a certain elongated and severely deformed body part.

Also this week, The Best of Blogs Awards began. Be sure to get out there and vote!

The release date for Harry Potter 7 (Hogwarts Boogaloo) was announced. Mark your calendars for July 21, 2007.

And finally, Punxatawney Phil stuck his head out of his cave and saw his shadow. Or maybe he didn't see it, I'm not really sure. Either way, I know we don't have six more weeks of TAKS preparation as one optimist suggested.
I wonder if Phil has his own blog...

February 2, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

February 2, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

February 2, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

A modest proposal

An article in the paper yesterday talked about a proposed bill that would punish parents who don't show up for parent-teacher conference night.

Wayne Smith, a congressman from the Houston-area, wants to submit legislation that will charge parents with a Class C misdemeanor and a $500 fine if they miss a scheduled meeting with their child's teacher. The article says:

“The bill, which is expected to be considered in the House Public Education
Committee… specifies that the parent has to receive written notice by certified
mail, listing at least three proposed dates for the parent-teacher
conference. A parent who ignores the notice or schedules a meeting but
fails to attend would face charges -- unless there was a valid reason for not
showing up.”

Valid reasons could include emergency quadruple-bypass, transfer to Iraq, or "Twilight Zone-athon Day on the sci-fi channel.”

I ask you -- how freakin’ great is this proposal? And my next question -- how freakin’ high are the odds that anything like this will EVER be passed??? I mean, come on, in a society where someone can spill hot coffee in their own lap and then sue the restaurant for millions of dollars; in a society where people are perfectly happy to ignore the Surgeon General's warning while they slowly poison themselves, but then blame the tobacco industry for killing them; in a society where Terrell Owens is viewed as anything other than a complete nitwit… Does anyone outside of a mental institution actually believe for a second that this same society would allow anyone to impose and enforce responsibility on them??

But you know, on the off chance that this pipe dream is actually realized, and the bill is posted through, I would like to suggest a rider. Choose some percentage of the imposed parental fine, and give it to the teacher who was stood up. If I had even half of a percent of $500 for every time I've had a parent no-show, I'd be rich! And I've only been teaching for four years!

And hey, if this thing should pass, let's not stop there. How about fines for parents who consistently bring their kids to school late? Misdemeanors for parents who register phone numbers that don't work? Jail time for parents who let their kids play video games without doing their homework?

Carnival time and bonus pay

Greetings, earthlings! The 104th Carnival of Education is currently up and running over at The Median Sib. Take a leisurely stroll over to that side of the Internet and check out all of the articles.

A couple that I found very interesting had to do with the Houston ISD's implementation of teacher incentive pay. Some schools in Dallas are giving incentive pay a try, but things in Houston don't seem too copacetic. Check out these two postings, one at NCLBlog -- the other at A Brown Bag Blog.

A candle in the data stream

Learn Me Good: the blog officially turns one year old today. Back around January 30 of 2006, I was thrilled when my stat counter told me I had had 5 visitors for the day. Almost exactly 1 year later, I hit my highest mark ever (with a little help from the Houston Chronicle) with just shy of 500 visitors. Not too shabby for what was originally deemed “the blog experiment” (not to be confused with The Philadelphia Experiment).


Today in class, I asked one of my kids how to say "smile" in Spanish. She said a word that I swear sounded just like Cervesa. How funny is that – Beer = Smile!

Actually, I probably just misunderstood, being the gringo that I am. Sometimes I try out my Spanish knowledge with the kids, knowing full well exactly what I'm trying to say, and they look at me like I'm speaking Martian. Not that I'm getting the words or the syntax incorrect, I guess I'm just not saying the words in the fashion that they are used to hearing them.

A couple of years ago, some of the kids asked me, "Tienes ninos?” (Which I'm pretty sure means, "Do you have any kids?") I responded, "No, no tengo espousa.” (Which I'm pretty sure means, "No, I don't have a wife.") The kids gave me a quizzical stare, and one of them blurted out, "You don't have a beard??”

Hey, at least I'm trying, right? Now I'm going to log off and go have a Smile.

Education in Texas and Learn Me Good Hit the Big Time

OK, so normally I would be against plagiarism. However, I did just lift the title of this blog post from Mike over at Education in Texas. I wandered over there to see what he had written about our blogs being featured in today's edition of the Houston Chronicle. He didn't write much about the article, but he sure did talk up my book a lot. So I thought I'd say thanks by, um, er, stealing his latest title...

So yeah, a couple of weeks ago, I spoke with this reporter from the Houston Chronicle about being a teacher who blogs. We spoke for a good 20 minutes or so, and I was charming, witty, and debonair. Not to mention a master of nifty adjectives. And low and behold, I was not quoted or even mentioned in the article once. Not once. However, a link to Learn Me Good was featured prominently in a sidebar, so I can't be too disappointed.

And Mike in Texas DID get mentioned and quoted. I liked one of his quotes that was taken from his blog -- "some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue."

I'll have to steal that one from him too...

Oh joyous Friday

Wow, what a long week. Not only was this the first full week in quite a while (no early releases, government holidays, or unofficial snow days), but there was also something AFTER school every single day. Staff meeting on Monday. Games club on Tuesday. Tutoring on Wednesday. Learning communities meeting on Thursday. Happy Hour on Friday.

Today I gave a long test on word problems, and frustrations started coming out. From the kids and from me. One of my kids started talking to his neighbor while I was at the back of the room, so I called him back and ask him to bring his tests so that I could mark it down by 20 points for talking during a test. I really have no intention of marking the grade down 20 points in my gradebook, but I wanted to make a point to the whole class. Not five minutes later, two more kids were talking to each other.

Is learning from past mistakes a thing OF the past? Because my kids never seem to understand this concept. They break the rules, get in trouble, cry, repeat. Over and over.

I actually spoke the words, "Those who do not study the past are doomed to repeat it," aloud to my class this afternoon. When did I become such an old fogey??

And my new ward is not helping matters much. D showed up late yesterday afternoon with his father to enroll in Mrs. Educator's class. The father informs us that D is a troublemaker, he was suspended a lot at his old school, and that "he might try to run away." Great, what am I -- Agent Girard from The Fugitive??

"What I need from each and every one of you people is a hard target search of every classroom, bathroom, book room, store room, and side room within a 10 mile radius."

Well, he didn't try to run away today, but he certainly did get under my nerves. For a kid who's four-foot-nothing, he's got more attitude than a Portland Trailblazer. Some teachers are just able to ignore disrespect and rudeness and move on, but I've always been stubborn. I have a real problem with little kids who ignore me and/or talk back. And the timing was even worse, because I had just finished writing up a discipline referral on another kid who thought he could spout obscenities as he walked past my room and then yell at me when I tried to talk to him. This on top of the test talkers. Needless to say, I was not in the best of moods.

I just thank God that it's the weekend. Because next week is going to be another long one and I desperately need the break.

Favorite TV Teachers

Ramblin' Educat has a recent post bemoaning the dearth of realistic portrayals of teachers on television. I have never watched it myself, but apparently Boston Public is not popular with the commenters on his blog. (All I know is Seven of Nine makes for a very hot instructor.)

I also bring into evidence NBC's failed incarnation of Teachers last year. I kept watching, hoping it would get funny, and it just never did.

So anyway, this started me thinking... Who ARE some good teachers that we have watched on the boob tube? Nominations, anyone?

Personally, I would have to say that my favorite teacher was Ralph Hinkley from The Greatest American Hero. White Man's 'Fro and all. That's really why I got into teaching in the first place. It was in the hopes of obtaining mysterious superpowers that I could use to comical effect.

Anyone else?

When the Carnival hits your eye, like a great pizza pie

Today was an afterschool tutoring day, which makes for a very long day, but there was a very bright note at the end. I decided that I wanted pizza for dinner, so I called up my friendly neighborhood Mr. Jim's and placed my order. They then informed me that I was the 500th customer, and that my meal was on the house! How great is that?


Also, the 103rd Carnival of Education is up and running at the site where it all started, The Education Wonks. Go check it out, and you just might get a free pizza.

WAG the dog

At yesterday's staff meeting (now weekly, and in Technicolor!), a request was made of the TAKS- level teachers. Actually, calling it a request is like calling a shark attack a love nibble. It was a command.

Our principal wants TAKS predictions. When I first saw the bullet that said "TAKS predictions" on our agenda sheet yesterday, my first thought was ok,um I predict somewhere between 30 and 40 questions; I predict 3-4 reading passages; I predict multiple-choice answers...

But of course that's not what she wanted. She wants us to predict what percentage of kids will pass the TAKS tests. That in itself is not at all unreasonable or difficult. We all have a pretty good idea of our kids' capabilities, and while there are always a few surprises on test day (usually in a positive sense), we know who is most likely going to pass and who is most likely not.

However, pass/fail data was not all that she was asking from us. She also wants a list of gains. This really seems to be the big buzzword with her this year. I have lost track of how many times I've heard the word "gains" in meetings, on the announcements, in e-mails, etc. Maybe for her birthday, I'll get her a big jug of GAIN laundry detergent.

Anyway, my buddy Ed U Cater blogged about this over at The Head of the Class. I really think you should go and read his post before continuing with mine. He summed things up pretty well.

Back? Okay then, continuing....

In engineering, we frequently used the term "WAG." When we were unsure of a customer's electrical input capacity, we used WAG. When the application temperature was unknown, we used WAG. When a fellow engineer hadn't returned from lunch for over two hours, and people were wondering where he was, we used WAG.

In case you were wondering, WAG means "Wild Ass Guess."

That's basically what we're being asked to make here. What's the difference between a 1900 and a 2000 on the TAKS? It could be as random as whether or not the child got to wear his/her favorite socks that morning.

Now, Ed and the other fourth and fifth grade teachers have a little bit of an advantage over me and my third-grade team. They can at least look at each kid's TAKS scores from last year, take their WAG, and then calculate a gain or a loss. But kids don't take the TAKS in the second grade, so we don't have a comparable score to base the gain or loss on. I got the impression that we are supposed to look at last year's ITBS scores and somehow base an improvement number on that. Maybe I can find some secret file online that divulges the conversion rate between ITBS and TAKS. I have a feeling that it's listed along with the conversion rate between tons and metric buttloads.

I wonder if I would be viewed as a smart ass if I included a prediction of the temperature, humidity, and pollen count for TAKS day. I mean, I feel like I would be just as accurate with those items as I will be with the test scores.

And we have to have the predictions in by THIS Friday. Well, I guess if Jack Bauer can save the FREAKIN' world in 24 hours, I can crank out a WAG in a few days.

The Best of Blogs Awards

After some confusion (on my part, at least) about dates and windows and such, I see that they have finally put up some definitive parameters for this year's Best of Blogs Awards.

This will be my first time to vote, as I was just getting started around a year ago (it will be one year next Wednesday). But I do have a good idea of who I'm going to vote for, and I know who I can recommend to anyone reading this.

Education in Texas is one of the very first blogs I started reading regularly. Mike, who writes the blog, writes with a good sense of humor, superlative grammar, and outstanding punctuation. Also, he usually has something informative to say. So my vote goes to him, and I would recommend that everyone check out his stuff.

I'm not really sure how many votes you get, but I'd like to also give a shout out to two other blogs that I greatly enjoy. Even though we did not all start at exactly the same time, I sort of feel like Happychyck, La Chucheria, and I worked our way into the "edusphere" together. So I hold them up as paragons as well.

Looks like February 2 is when the nominations begin. If you're able to, be sure to vote!

5 things about me

Well, I have resisted it as long as possible, but it's finally time to face up to the fact that I have been "tagged," repeatedly, and that I am going to have to complete this meme challenge.

Redkudu was the first to tag me, so she gets the credit, but more recently, I've been hit by Ms. Cornelius and Mike in Texas as well. Normally, I am very resistant to forwarding things just for the sake of forwarding them. In fact, I will automatically delete any e-mail that ends with "If you love Jesus, send this to 10 of your closest friends." Excuse me, I really don't think that the good Lord and Savior is going to banish me just because I didn't forward a dumb little poem within 5 minutes of receiving it.

But this meme seems pretty harmless, so I'll go along with it. Let's just not make a habit of it...

So here we go, 5 things about me that you probably didn't know, unless you've been stalking me, in which case I should add number 6: I have a stalker.

1) I was born just outside of Washington, DC during a very rare and strange weather phenomenon. It was a combination snow/lightning storm. That same night (quite possibly at the exact moment of my birth, but more probably a few hours later), my great-grandmother's television set was struck by lightning.

2) I grew up playing all-text no graphics adventure games on the computer. I still have a very fond spot in my heart for the likes of Zork, Planetfall, Infidel, and the like. "You are standing in a clearing, west of a white house. There is a mailbox here."

3) I tried out for the Duke basketball team my freshman year of college. I knew I didn't stand a chance of making it, but I had the opportunity to play on the court in Cameron Indoor Stadium in front of Coach K and several of the players, so I had to grab it. I got a T-shirt for my efforts. The team wound up winning the national championship that year. Was any part of the success due to my inspiring performance? Who can say?

4) I have six godchildren. Five of them are girls, one is a boy. One of them even lives in Japan.

5) I am having a lot of success calling Borders bookstores around the country and asking them if they will stock my book, Learn Me Good. So far, my novel is on the shelves in Texas, California, Florida, Virginia, and Nevada. Ask for it in your local Borders!

Okay, now is the part when I have to put the burden on someone else. So I think I'll go with a couple of new bloggers that I've read. The following people have been put on notice (and if you're NOT one of these people, follow the links and check out their sites!):

The Head of the Class

IMC Guy

Rookie Teacher

Miss M.

If teachers were like... soap stars

Earlier this week, I read a blurb in the paper about a local teacher who won a contest to trade places for a day with Jason Thompson of General Hospital. So that inspired me to formulate a new entry in the "If teachers were like..." pantheon. My first thought was that a teacher would feel more at home on the set of All My Children or The Young and the Restless. But here are some other things that I believe would be true if teachers were like... soap stars:

1) Every time we told a child, "If you don't study, you will fail," there would be a sudden crescendo of dramatic music, accompanied by a close-up of the facial expression termed by Joey from Friends as "smelling the fart."

2) We would never get any teaching done because we'd be too worried about aliens abducting our illegal immigrant lovers, who may or may not have set fire to their illegitimate half-siblings in order to inherit all of the family's money.

3) We'd talk less about commas, and more about comas.

4) One of our colleagues could disappear for months, only to be replaced by someone 7 inches shorter, 20 pounds heavier, with different colored eyes and a mustache. Yet everyone would accept that this brand-new person was really our old colleague, and nothing would ever be said about it.

Any other ideas?

YYISD

Hello, my name is Mister Teacher, and I work for the Yo-Yo Independent School District.

This morning, we had what is known around the world as "freak weather." Sure, up north, freezing rain and a quarter inch layer of ice may not be considered freaky, but down here in Texas, the only thing freakier is Matthew McConaughey's bongo-playing habits.

So I wake up around a quarter till 6 this morning, and the radio dudes are talking about how bad the roads are and how a lot of schools are closing. So I did what I do every morning at 5:45 -- I hit the snooze button. Ditto for nine minutes later. However, a little after 6, I got out of bed and wandered into the living room to watch the TV. Apparently it was snowing, if the television reporters and their immediate surroundings were painting an honest picture. All four of the major stations had crawls on the bottom of the screen, listing all of the schools that were closing and/or opening late. One district was conspicuously absent. You guessed it, Dallas ISD.

Now the policy has always been that school closings are announced on TV by 6:05AM. I sat there and watched the crawl on all four stations to be sure, and Dallas ISD was not listed on any of them.

So I reluctantly began the process of showering, getting dressed, getting in gear, and getting out of the house. As soon as I pulled out of the garage, I felt like I was being salted from above. Small pieces of freezing rain had left a layer of frost on the ground, with more being added every moment.

To make a long story short, my journey to the school took nearly twice the time that it normally takes, but I did arrive in one piece. Out in the parking lot, I encountered two of my fellow teachers engaged in conversation. One of them, like me, was just arriving; the other, was leaving. She told us that school had been canceled after all, and that we could go home.

Sweet -- just what I wanted to do. Get right back out onto the road.

But then, another teacher stuck her head out the door and announced that school had once again been declared open. I couldn't help but get a mental image of one of those plastic bobbing bird toys. Head goes down, school is closed. Head goes up, school is open.

As indecision goes, this seemed to be pretty major. However, it didn't hold a candle to what was going on with the kids. Come to find out later, the buses did in fact leave the "bus barn" at their normal appointed time to pick up the kids. Midway through their route, though, they were told that school had been closed and recalled back to where they had started. THAT'S why I didn't see a single bus pass by during my morning crosswalk duty today. When I got back inside at 7:45 and mentioned that to the principal, she told me that the buses had just been sent back out to pick the kids up.

Now think about this for a second. If YOUR kids were out there waiting on the school bus at the normal time, and it was snowing, and it was 27°F, and maybe you had to use the bathroom pretty bad, and the bus never came -- would you really stand around for more than an hour on the off chance that the bus might be coming late? Well, neither did most of our parents and kids.

By nine o'clock, Mrs. Educator and I had a combined total of 10 kids. Most of them had been dropped off by their parents, though one, maybe two of them came on the late bus.

So as far as that was concerned, it was a nice day. We put all 10 in my room for the first 2 1/2 hours, and the kids and I talked about weather and the difficulty that goes into making accurate forecasts. Then after lunch, Mrs. Educator tagged in and did some reading activities with them while I got a nice new bulletin board completed.

I just hope that we don't have to go through exactly the same thing tomorrow morning, here in the Yo-Yo ISD. Because if we expect our kids to learn from their mistakes, I certainly hope that our adults can as well.

Slice me off a piece of that Carnival

The 102nd Carnival of Education is up and running, courtesy of Dr. Homeslice. Sidle on over, and give him a great big "WHASSSSSUP?"

Simon Says

I have a child in my class whose name is NOT Simon, but for the purposes of this posting, will be referred to as Simon. I'm calling him Simon because every day, if I want him to do anything, I have to actually address him by name. If I don't, it's like he doesn't even hear me.

If I say to the class, "Boys and girls, please take out your science books," then everyone in the class will take out their science books, EXCEPT for Simon. He'll just sit there at his desk, totally oblivious to the actions going on around him. However, if I say, "Simon, please take out your science book," THEN he'll do as he's asked. And he's very consistent about this. It's not a once or twice occurrence.

So I've started making requests in the following manner:

"Simon, and everyone else, please take out your science books."

"Simon, and everyone else, please stop writing and take out something to grade with."

"Be sure to bring your jackets, Simon (and everyone else)."

Simon Says: clean your ears out!!

Your money is no good here, Señor

A local pizza chain (actually, turns out there are 59 stores around the country) called Pizza Patron has been making news here in Dallas because of a recent decision to accept pesos along with US dollars.

A lot of the community is up in arms because they feel this is completely un-American. Others are taking the stance that it's good business practice and fully acceptable. Personally, I'm just not sure why they stopped at pesos. I mean, I understand that the stores are predominantly located in Hispanic neighborhoods, but they are serving Italian cuisine. So shouldn't they be excepting lira as well?

One large pepperoni pizza: $7.99; 2,000 pesos; 563,229 lira

I just hope that other pizza chains will follow suit and accept other forms of currency. I would love it if Mr. Jim's would start taking Putt Putt tokens or old Slurpie action coins. I must have about a million Don Quisenberrys lying around here somewhere...

Popping up like an unwanted weed

Hey, over the past few days, I've noticed some people surfing on into this site from some new places. So I'd like to give a shout out to those people, and even more so, to the people who directed them here!

Over at Teacher Magazine's Blogboard, an author posted a short recap of my teacher/hoopster comparison. Now if I could just get them to review my book at their magazine...

And over at a discussion board called The Awful Forums, some dude called Man Eating Cow referenced my site. Seemingly positively, I would say. I was worried at first, given the name of the forums and all. But for the pointer in my direction, I raise my glass to you, Cow.

And while I'm thanking people, I don't know who these people are, but I would like to thank a certain "Dallasbap" who gave my book a nice review on Amazon.com AND ditto for "pediatric nurse" who had nice things to say about Learn Me Good over on barnesandnoble.com.

Cheers!

Blessed are the logical

I'm starting to believe that Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were not very good at math. Yeah, THAT Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

I've been working on multiplication and division word problems with my students, and I've noticed a striking similarity between some of their answer choices and a famous story from the New Testament.

Just imagine if this was a math problem, posed to the young gospel writers:
Jesus has 5 loaves of bread. He wants to split the bread equally among 1000 people who are hungry. How many loaves of bread will each person receive?

Now, if MML&J tackled this problem the way many of MY students would, they would multiply 5 times 1000 and get 5000.
Each person will receive 5000 loaves of bread.

No wonder everyone ate to their fill and there was a multitude still left over!

In the case of the Gospel story, this is referred to as a miracle, and I happen to believe in its veracity. Not so much with my kids.

On the test I gave today, one question was, "Mrs. M. had 30 pieces of candy. She wants to give the same amount of candy to 10 students. How many pieces of candy will each student get?”

Every time I saw an answer of 300 (or even 30, from my just plain confused kids), I kept wanting to ask, "So you think this is a loaves and fishes situation?"

Oh well, at least I know what I'll be concentrating even harder on next week.

If teachers were like... NBA stars

And now for something completely different…

Today, I thought I’d take a look at another profession and compare it to the one that I'm in currently. So many occupations out there to choose from, but I figured I'd start with something really glamorous, like a professional basketball player. So, in no particular order, here are a few observations of what I believe life would be like if teachers were treated like NBA stars.

1) Lets start with the obvious, the one difference so huge, everyone would automatically start there -- if teachers were like NBA stars, we would get to wear shorts and tank tops on the job all the time!!

2) If teaching was like playing in the NBA, then I could hurt my hand on the very first day of school, stay at home injured for the rest of the school year, and still collect my entire yearly salary.

3) If we ever tried to place our hands around our principal's neck and choke him or her, then we would most likely be traded to another school with a higher salary, and the principal would be fired. (The Latrell Spreewell Corollary)

4) If we slipped and fell down on the job, someone would immediately rush out to wipe up our sweat, instead of just pointing and laughing.

5) Just like with the basketball equipment controversy (leather vs. synthetic), we would be subject to random and seemingly whimsical changes to equipment and materials from year to year, and these changes would be made and approved by our supervisors, with absolutely no consultation for our own opinions. Wait, that pretty much already happens with teachers.


Feel free to add your own!

Think YOU had a bad day?

This is a picture of one moment during the Duke-Virginia Tech game from Saturday afternoon. Deron Washington, of VT completely hurdles Greg Paulus, number 3, of the Blue Devils. Mind you, Paulus is 6'1", so it's not exactly like jumping over the old bike rack.

The next time I get really frustrated at my kids, and down in the dumps, I'll be able to think to myself, "Hey, at least no one has ever jumped completely over my head and forced me to come face to crotch."

Eat me!

On Friday, I heard yet another example of one of those "kids say the strangest things" quotations. This one came to me from my fellow third-grade math teacher, let's call her "Mrs. Math."

Mrs. Math was having a discussion with her kids about the traits of mammals. More specifically, how mammals get food by drinking milk from their mother's body's. This is an awkward enough topic to discuss with a group of eight year olds, but even more so when they start asking where the milk comes from. Mrs. Math improvised quite well and told the kids that maybe the mother ate some fruit, and then the fruit turned into milk in her body.

Somehow or another, that started one of her students down a very bizarre path of thinking. After a few moments of heavy pondering, he raised his hand and announced, "Mrs. Math! You should eat Mister Teacher, and then you'll get big and strong!"

When she told me this, I told her she should have quoted Johnny Depp from Willy Wonka and said, "No, children, that's called cannibalism, and that's wrong."

Just think about flowing rivers

On Thursday, one of my little girl's mother's came up to the school to deliver a doctor's note to Mrs. Educator and me. It made for a very interesting read, though some of the technical jargon was a bit over my head.
This is what it said:

K has a functional voiding disturbance which has strained the bladder so that
she has trouble with wetness, holding urine. Please allow the child to go
to the bathroom when she feels the need and encourage her to stay as long as
it takes her to completely empty her bladder. Your cooperation with this is
sincerely appreciated.

A "functional voiding disturbance??!!?" What on earth is that? It sounds like one of those dire side effects that are always listed with prescription medication. Possible side effects of Drugzinol include cotton mouth, snow blindness, explosive flatulence, and functional voiding disturbance.

And we are asked to encourage her to stay as long as it takes her to completely empty her bladder. I guess whenever she is using the bathroom, I should stand outside of the door with pom-poms, cheering, "Push it out, push it out, WAAAAAY out!"

Truly, I don't begrudge someone an actual medical issue. But K is the kind of girl who would and probably will take advantage of this. She was in Mrs. Educator's room when the note was delivered, and coincidentally enough, she needed to use the bathroom as soon as her mother had left. This was around 8:20. Yesterday, when she raised her hand to ask me at around 2:00, she got up and slowly walked past the other kids, grinning and smirking at them like she was on her way to accept the crown for prom queen.

There's already another girl in my afternoon class that presented a similar doctor's note at the beginning of the year. So each afternoon, it's a contest to see which of them will ask first. Not which one will ask -- which one will ask FIRST. Yesterday, after both of them had gone and returned, a boy told me that he needed to go. So of course I had to ask, "Do you have a doctor's note?"

The Pop-in

I had a fantastic surprise visitor today. One of my favorite students from my very first year of teaching (actually, one of my all-time favorites) stopped by my classroom around 2:00 today. She's in the seventh grade (she skipped a grade) in a nearby district, and they don't go back to school until next week.

I was right in the middle of working a word problem with the kids when she came in, so I told the kids that we had a guest teacher, and I let her take over for me. My kids from this year seemed absolutely flabbergasted that standing before them was an actual, real life example of someone who had been in my class years ago. They were practically falling over themselves trying to get her to call on them as she went through the steps of the problem.

And then when she was done, she informed me, "I don't really like math."

D'OH!!!

Nevertheless, it was really cool to see her again and to know that she's doing well. Makes me think there's hope for some of these kids after all.

Carnival Cruise

Just an FYI to let you note that the 100th carnival of education is up and running over at Teaching in the Twenty-First Century. Your host is aquiram, so be sure to tip him, at least 20%.

Thanks for nothing!

Today was the kids' first day back after Christmas vacation. As expected, there was a lot of information that had been forgotten over the break, many groggy expressions, and a great disdain for having to be back at the school again. But enough about MY attitude; the kids were pretty good.

Before we left for break, several of the kids had given me little gifts. I got some decorative candy containers, a candle or two, a tranquility fountain, and a couple of other items. So today, I handed out thank you cards to those kids who had begifted me. As a stocking stuffer, my mom had given me a set of Justice League thank you notes. Superman, Batman, the Flash, et al. graced the front side, and my heartfelt appreciation graced the inside.

Reactions were mixed. One boy seemed actually embarrassed to be receiving a superhero card from his teacher, while another exclaimed, "I'm too old for Batman!" To which, of course, I replied, "Well I'm not!"

Clearly, I am going to have to go in tomorrow wearing my Batman tie, my green power ring, and maybe even a red cape for good measure. But not my Incredible Hulk underoos. They're in the wash.

New Year's Resolutions

Hey everyone, I hope that you all had a wonderful new year, and you're refreshed and ready to grab 2007 by the horns.

Looking back, I had a pretty good 2006. I published a book, I started a blog, I won my fantasy football Super Bowl, I went to my 10 year college reunion, I almost made it into the World Series of Pop Culture, I won a few hands of poker, I watched lots of TV, and I discovered a love for the cranberry.

In the hopes that 2007 provides just as many fantastic experiences, I have decided to make a few resolutions. Here they are, in no particular order:

1) Continue to teach our society's youth the basics and complexities of mathematics -- after all, they are our future.
2) Establish a space base on faraway Pluto. It might not be recognized as a planet anymore, but it still has strategic locational value.
3) Learn a new language. I'm waffling between Mayan and Coptic.
4) Maintain a healthy ratio in my diet between broccoli and pasta. I'm thinking 1:158 sounds about right.
5) Shake hands with James Brown.
6) Create a video for YouTube that will make me a millionaire.
7) Display compassion and patience with the students placed in my care. I'll have to stop snapping them with rubber bands.
8) Discover secret of turning lead into gold. Failing that, discovering secret of turning paper into ketchup would be just as acceptable.
9) Watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended editions) back-to-back. Twice.
10) Host a Carnival of Education here on Learn Me Good. It might be awhile before I'm THAT brave, though.

If you have any resolutions that you'd like to share, as always, I welcome comments.

Wasn't that a sitcom in the 80s??

I'd like to take a moment here to mention a new entry into the world of teachers who blog. A buddy who works at my school has started a blog called The Head of the Class. So far, he only has one post, but give it time and I'm sure he'll be able to come up with a second eventually. After that, it's anyone's guess.
For his nom de blog, he has adopted the moniker Ed.U.Cater -- a name worthy of being an e-mail sign off in Learn Me Good (Lulu, $11.99). So if you get a chance, click on over to his blog and do the Internet equivalent of toilet papering his front lawn. Leave a silly comment.

Holy insomnia, Batman!

Okay, it's four in the morning, and I just cannot seem to fall asleep. Perhaps it's my non-recommended new bedtime routine -- melting a bar of dark chocolate into a hot mug of Mountain Dew (saw that on the Colbert Report, and I'll be using that a lot). But whatever the reason, I saw no more point to just lying in bed.

So I started surfing around the web, and I came across this "Which superhero are you?" site. Of course I had to take the test immediately. And as you will see, the results came out with nothing unexpected. I tied for two superheroes, so I basically am an amalgam of Supes and Spidey. My only question is, who nominated Robin as a superhero??

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 90% Spider-Man 90% The Flash 65% Hulk 60% Robin 57% Green Lantern 50% Iron Man 45% Supergirl 42% Batman 30% Wonder Woman 27% Catwoman 25%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

The only thing I would recommend for future superhero tests is to include Captain America. That way, everyone can say they have a little Captain in 'em.

And of course, we can't have the superheroes without the villains. So here are the results of my "Which villain are you?" test.

Your results:
You are Dr. Doom

Dr. Doom 57% Riddler 50% The Joker 49% Apocalypse 49% Mr. Freeze 43% Lex Luthor 41% Juggernaut 41% Magneto 40% Dark Phoenix 36% Venom 34% Mystique 29% Green Goblin 25% Two-Face 25% Catwoman 23% Kingpin 23% Poison Ivy 22%

Blessed with smarts and power but burdened by vanity.

Click here to take the "Which Super Villain are you?" quiz...

Last chance

Hey everybody, 2 more days until 2007! That means if you haven't signed my guestbook yet, now is the time to do it! And at the risk of sounding like Big Brother, let me just say that I can tell by using my stat tracker program WHERE in the world people are visiting from, but it's nice to have names and occupations as well. I've seen visitors from Spain, the Czech Republic, and France (and Florida as well), but these people have not signed in.

Come on people! What's it going to take? Do I need to promise you each $10 million? Well, what about ten million pounds? If so, have I got a deal for you! Check it out here!

For the rest of you, have a very Happy New Year!!! I will blog at you in 2007!

Here goes nothing

Okay, I have finally done it. At much urging from my friends and family, I have finally sent a copy of Learn Me Good to Oprah Winfrey.

Sure, I realize that most likely, nothing will ever come of this. But even if my chances are only one in a quadrajagillion -- that's still a chance.

Plus, it gives me the chance try out this nifty little toy underneath my Google search box.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Multiplications Greatest Hits

I’m baaaaaack…

I hope that everyone had a very Merry Christmas. I had a very nice visit with the family, and Movie Night went well. It actually ended pretty early for once – 2:30AM-- but my uncle and I stayed up and watched Serenity. Not a Christmas movie, I know, but it was one I hadn't seen yet.

My aunt and uncle and cousins were in town from Minnesota, and it's always nice to see the girls, as we don't get to see them very often. The older one is in the fourth grade, and the younger one is three years old. So while the three-year-old ran wild around the house with my two-year-old nephew, my older cousin brought me a pad and pencil and wanted me to show her some math problems. Now THAT'S my kind of kid!

I showed her a few tricks for multiplication (she knew the finger trick for 9's, but not the counting up and down trick), and then she shared with me a song that she uses to remember one tricky fact.

“8 times 8 went to the store,
To buy a Nintendo 64."

Pretty cute, eh? At my school, we have songs that go through the entire times table of a particular number, but perhaps we need songs for individual facts. So that got me thinking of some possibilities:

"7 times 8 liked Stevie Nicks,
That girl looks like she's 56."

"4 times 6 loved brave Jack Bauer,
And watched his show all 24 hours."

"5 times 4 could sure see plenty,
His vision checked out 20/20."

If anybody thinks up any new ones, please let me know.

And please continue to sign the guestbook. I LOVE the response it's been getting so far! My goal is to have at least one signature from every continent. That's right -- all 9 of them!!

What time is midnight Mass???

Well, I am off to join my family for our movie night, and the normal Christmas proceedings. I hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas, and that you get everything you want this year -- whether it be TIVO, sports cars, fast cars, hybrids, ethernet cable, portable air-conditioning, stock loans, remote desktop, viaticals, or even cash for annuity payment, so that you can sell annuity.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(And please continue to sign the guestbook on the previous post!)

Project Guestbook

As we approach the end of the year, I thought it would be a neat idea to ask for EVERYONE who reads this blog to leave a comment! Nothing major, I'm just asking you to take the time to post where you are coming from. Also, put your occupation on there as well. And your hat size while you're at it. Also, your greatest fear.

Nah, let's not make this too complicated. Just take 10 seconds to click on the "witty rejoinders" link, then leave your name and location.

Do this within the next five minutes, and you will meet the love of your life, you will win the global lottery, and you will discover how to turn silly putty into gold. If you choose to ignore this, your pet iguana will die, your thumbs will fall off, and everyone will call you, "Snotty McDingles" for the rest of your life.

Just to be fair, I'll even post the first comment. (I sure hope my OTHER thumb doesn't fall off)

It's a bit nippley out

My family has a tradition. Every Christmas Eve Eve (that's the 23rd, for you non-gentiles), we have our Teacher Family Christmas Movie Marathon™. We invite all of our family and friends over to our parents’ house, and we watch as many Christmas-themed movies as we can fit into one night.

We usually start around 5 or 6, with It's a Wonderful Life playing in the background (since we all know all of the words anyway), and at the night doesn't end until around 4 or 5 in the morning. Usually, by around 1 A.M., most everyone is dozing on the floor, so my brother and I put up Die Hard -- hey, it's a Christmas movie!

Each year, there are new movies that get added to the viewing rotation, and others that cycle out. But one that remains constant since its inception is the Chevy Chase vehicle -- National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. This is one of our all-time favorite Christmas movies, and it just gets funnier and funnier with each viewing.

So here's the interactive feature for the day. I'm taking a page from A Shrewdness Of Apes, but reversing it. She posts quotes and asks for the movie; I am already telling you what the movie is, and asking for your favorite quotes.
Here are a few to get the ball rolling:

"Where do you think you're going to put a tree that big?"
"Bend over, and I'll show you!"

"He's just yakkin’ on a bone."

"Dad, that tree wouldn't fit in our backyard!"
"It's not going in our backyard, Russ; it's going in our living room."

"That's pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you..."

"Thanks, Dad. You taught me everything I know about exterior illumination."

"If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-a$$, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh!t he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh!t! Where's the Tylenol?”



Now it's your turn. Please try to keep it clean. Especially when discussing Randy Quaid emptying a chemical toilet...

Another silly list

I found this little exercise over at Ms. Teacher. It's pretty pointless, but I'm sort of bored, so here goes:

Wanna play? It's simple. Copy, paste and if you've done it, bold it.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said I love you and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Dated a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own novel
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Her Royal Money Giver

Well, I got another very interesting e-mail over the weekend. I have yet to see those millions of dollars from the guy in Nigeria, but now this nice old lady in England wants to send me all of her money.

I don't know if she's a fan of my blog, or if she got ahold of a few of my specially-designed heat pumps back from when I was an engineer, or if she just threw a dart at a phone book -- but for what ever reason, she has decided to bequeath her family fortune to me.

Don't believe me? Check out the e-mail for yourself, O Doubting Mufasa...

From: Madam Joan Taylor.
4 Old Church Street, Chelsea, SW3, England.
Good Day,
Here writes Madam Joan Taylor, suffering from Cancerous ailment.
I am married to Engineer Silas Hines an Englishman who is dead. My husband was into private practice all his life before his death. Our life together as man and wife lasted for three decades without child. My husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament. I can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from this relationship, which never came.
When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 10 Million
Pounds (Ten Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling) which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the (LUCAMEA) cancerous problems I am suffering from. Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen my family and me, I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially.
It is often said that blessed is the hand that giveth.
I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on. The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me, because I do not want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.
As soon as I receive your reply through this my confidential email Address: I shall give you the contact of the bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to hear from you very soon and God bless you and members of your family.
Yours sincerely
Mrs. Joan Taylor.

It's an honor just to be nominated

I hardly have words to express my feelings. I am overcome with amazement, appreciation, and -- I'll be honest -- a small feeling of unworthiness.

I am of course speaking of Time Magazine's selection of me as Person of the Year. This came as a complete surprise to me, as I am not involved in politics of any sort, I have not created any miracle cures lately, and while my novel, Learn Me Good, IS pretty darn funny if I may say so myself, it can hardly be held responsible for any peace that might break out around the world.

So when I read in the paper this morning that I had been selected for this immense honor, I felt overwhelmed with pride, and just a bit dizzy.

Of course, I should mention that if you are reading this blog post, then YOU TOO have been selected as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. In what could possibly be seen as a "give up" move, the magazine has named anyone who uses the Web to their top honor. Maybe they felt that too many people had had their feelings hurt over the past 50 or so years by not being selected. Or maybe it was just a simple case of procrastination, and all of the good folks had already been named Person of the Year by other magazines.

So I say congratulations to all of us! Let's wear this mantle with pride! I'll end things here, so I can go wait by my mailbox for my trophy and my check.

Grades, Schmades

I saw a link to this story over on Dave Barry's blog. This shining example of educatorhood apparently decided to teach his students about pyramids in a unique way -- by way of pyramid scheme.

With a small payment, students could convince Elvin "Get Rich Quick, or Die Teaching" Escano to break into official school records and change certain grades. In fact, Escano accepted other forms of currency as well as cash. While $500 might change an F to an A, a 12 pack of Michelob Light could raise a C- to a C+.

Makes me wonder what sort of grade change could be bought for a Big Mac and fries.

A shameless plug, for pugs

I saw a friend last night that I used to work with, and whom I had not seen in a while. She still teaches, but she has also started an internet business on the side.

Pawsitive Perfection (Impawsible not to smile at that) caters to those who like to pamper their pets. The company provides a line of products specifically tailored for cats and dogs. I told her that I would add a link to my blog and try to send some interested parties her way.

Good for her, I say! She's giving it a go. This gives me inspiration to think about possibly one day starting my own side business -- providing custom-made cowls and capes for superhero wannabes...

The 10 days of Christmas, Finale

Final day, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. No more school for me until January 3rd!!!!!


On the tenth day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

10 Splitting Migraines
9 Kids a-Cheating
8 Torn up Textbooks
7 "I don't wanna"s
6 Tattlers Tattling
5 Broken Things...
4 Dirty Words
3 Smug Smirks
2 Middle Fingers
And a Fart Ripped in a Hurry.

The 10 days of Christmas, Day 9

On the ninth day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

9 Kids a-Cheating
8 Torn up Textbooks
7 "I don't wanna"s
6 Tattlers Tattling
5 Broken Things...
4 Dirty Words
3 Smug Smirks
2 Middle Fingers
And a Fart Ripped in a Hurry.

The 10 days of Christmas, Day 8

On the eighth day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

8 Torn up Textbooks
7 "I don't wanna"s
6 Tattlers Tattling
5 Broken Things...
4 Dirty Words
3 Smug Smirks
2 Middle Fingers
And a Fart Ripped in a Hurry.

The 10 days of Christmas, Day 7

On the seventh day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

7 "I don't wanna"s
6 Tattlers Tattling
5 Broken Things...
4 Dirty Words
3 Smug Smirks
2 Middle Fingers
And a Fart Ripped in a Hurry.

Excuse me, I think I misheard you

Two of my third grade team members told me a story today after the kids had been dismissed, and I just had to put it down in writing.

They had taken their kids down to the library after lunch where the librarian read a story to them. This story involved a grandmother taking care of her granddaughter out on a farm. At a moment of conflict in the story, the gentle folk are threatened by a rattlesnake. The grandmother tells the girl that she is going to get a hoe to fend off the snake.

No sooner had she read that line than a little boy in the class got wide-eyed and yelled out, "She sinned!!"

The librarian tried to explain, "No, the grandmother is just trying to protect the little girl."

But the little boy insisted, "SHE'S A SINNER!!!!”

Apparently he was not aware of an alternate meaning (and spelling) of the critical word that he had heard. Garden implement, my friend; NOT lady of ill repute.

I can't WAIT till the kids hear about The Scarlet Pimp-ernel.

Come and see the 80 year old giant!

Yesterday morning, I revealed my age to my homeroom. I believe it was because I was trying to show the kids why the answer to one word problem did not make sense. The question was something along the lines of, "Herbert is 15 years old. His sister is 18 years old. How much older is his sister than Herbert?"

Several of my kids had added the two numbers and gotten 33 as their answer. Of course, if the sister was ONLY 18 years old, she could not possibly be 33 years OLDER than anyone else. As a living example, I said to the kids, "I am 33 years old. The only person I am 33 years OLDER than..."

At this point, I was interrupted by one of my students raising her hand and blurting out, "ME??”

I continued, "is someone who was just born today. You might ACT like you were just born today, but we all know that's not really true."

As usual, the revealing of a teacher's age discussion than the latest Nicole Richie hunger strike. "You're 33?!??” “I thought you were 20 something!” “I thought you were 100!”

And the one that really struck my fancy-- "You look taller than 33.”

You know, if height and age were directly related, then I would be almost 13 feet tall by the time I was 70 years old.

The 10 days of Christmas, Day 6

On the sixth day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

6 Tattlers Tattling
5 Broken Things...
4 Dirty Words
3 Smug Smirks
2 Middle Fingers
And a Fart Ripped in a Hurry.

The 10 days of Christmas, Day 5

On the fifth day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

5 Broken Things...
4 Dirty Words
3 Smug Smirks
2 Middle Fingers
And a Fart Ripped in a Hurry.

The 10 days of Christmas, Day 4

On the fourth day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

4 dirty words
3 smug smirks
2 middle fingers
And a fart ripped in a hurry.

The 10 days of Christmas, Day 3

On the third day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

3 smug smirks
2 middle fingers
And a fart ripped in a hurry.

My Secret Santa is a genius

We are doing a secret Santa program at my school, and the gift exchanges began today. I won't find out who MY secret Santa is until next Monday afternoon, but I am already looking forward to finding out. Today, I got possibly the greatest secret Santa gift ever.

I was in a fifth-grade classroom this morning, monitoring their social studies benchmark test. Do to an infinitesimal percentage of teachers cheating on the TAKS test, none of us are allowed to administer important tests to our own students anymore. So the fifth-grade teachers were in our rooms, and vice versa. This in itself is the subject for a rant at another time.

So there I was, standing sternly at the back of this classroom, when one of our substitute office personnel walked by and motioned me out into the hallway. She asked if I was Mister Teacher, which of course, I was. She handed me a bulging US Post Office express mail package. It was addressed to me in, allegedly having been sent from the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, DC. Originally being from DC myself, I was a bit suspicious that the ZIP code did not look correct, but other than that, it looked very official. So of course, I was wondering what the heck was going on.

I waited until the test was over and I had gotten back to my classroom before opening the package. There were three things inside. One was a small note. A second item was a small baggy containing three lottery tickets. The third item was shrouded in a large piece of brown paper.

I read the note. It said, "Mister Teacher, this is the best we could part with from Julius Caesar. Hope it will fit with your collection. Thanks."

As far as secret Santa gifts go, this was shaping up to be a most bizarre example. It was soon to get even stranger. I unwrapped the large bulky item, and I found a large bone with a few shreds of meat still hanging determinedly from it. For about 10 seconds, my mind cycled through all of the possible third words for the phrase, "What the--?”

Then I remembered. This was exactly what I had asked for. Every year, before we select each other and find who we will be giving gifts to, we fill out a short questionnaire. Favorite color, food, music, etc. Needless to say, I very rarely take that questionnaire seriously. My answers are almost always of the facetious variety. So this year, when asked for hobbies, my response was, "Collecting the bones of ancient Roman emperors."

Can I just say one more time -- my secret Santa is a freakin’ GENIUS!!!

Now I feel kind of bad for the person I have. I just got them a lousy iPod…


Oh, I should also mention that I think I won $10 off of one of the lottery cards...

The 10 days of Christmas, part two

Continuing our melody:

On the second day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

2 middle fingers
And a fart ripped in a hurry.

The 10 days of Christmas

In the spirit of holiday cheer, and seeing as how the last day of school before Christmas vacation (I really don't care what they call it in the schools -- it IS Christmas vacation) is December 15, I thought I would dole out my own blend of Yuletide joy.

Beginning today, I present my take on the Christmas classic, The 12 Days of Christmas. However, I am not counting weekends, so that takes us down to The 10 Days of Christmas. Each day I will add a verse, so that on the 10th day, the carol will be complete. So without any further ado, here we go.

On the first day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

A fart ripped in a hurry.

Movie Math-ness??

I've been meaning to mention this for a while now, but I'd like to give a shout out to Ms. Cornelius over at A Shrewdness of Apes. Every Monday, she posts a movie challenge where she puts up several movie quotes, and you have to prove your knowledge of the movie by providing more quotes.
Head on over and test your movie skills. And tell Ms. Cornelius that she's crazy. Crazy like an ape.

This one goes to 11

Sunday night, as I write this post, my stat counter sits at 10,988. I feel safe in saying that by the time I check again tomorrow, this blog will have surpassed the 11K mark. 11,000 visitors -- and it hasn't even been up for a full year yet! Not too shabby for a poor, deformed, dismembered goat herder from Lithuania, eh? And pretty decent for a guy like myself as well!

Thanks to all of my visitors, both regulars and irregulars. Keep on reading, and don't forget to click the Google Ads when you visit. Also, be sure to floss, look both ways when you cross the street, and always use the buddy system when you spelunk.

Houston, we have a word problem

The other math teachers and I had a brilliant idea last week. We figured that a great way to help the kids get even better with math problems AND to save ourselves the effort of searching through books for good homework was to have the kids to ALL of the work. So their "test" yesterday was to write their own word problems. They were allowed to write as many as they wanted, but they had to write at least one problem that required addition and at least one problem that required subtraction.

And no matter how frustrated I get with these kids sometimes, I always find myself very pleasantly surprised when I ask them to get creative. Some of the problems that I received were outstandingly written, and some were endearingly hilarious. However, it was quite clear that all of my kids put their best effort forward yesterday.

Today, I will share with you some of the problems that will most likely be appearing on next week's homework and/or test, and some of the problems that just weren't quite up to snuff, but which are very fun to read.

First, a few of the best:

"J has 24 suckers and he gave K 10 of them. How many suckers did he have left?"
-- this might not seem so special, but it came from one of my absolute lowest students.

"B's mom baked her a cake because it was her birthday. B invited two friends, D and A. D ate 10 pieces. A ate three more pieces than D. How many pieces did A eat?"
-- good use of extra information here, as well as numbers in word form.

"On Friday, I had a test of addition and there were 12 problems. I only finished 5 of them. How many more did I need to do?"
-- a great subtraction problem that doesn't involved anything being given or taken away.

And now a few I found pretty funny:

"J and G went to school. J did the Pledge of Allegiance 20 times. The next day, G did the Pledge of Allegiance 50 times. How many times did they do it all together?"
-- I'm telling you, I make them recite it until they get it right, doggone it!

"T had 5 sisters. 2 of them went to college. How many sisters does he have now?"
-- well, still 5 I think. Unless of course, they went to Carolina, in which case it would stand to reason that they are dead to him.

"Yesterday, the temperature was 34° F. What will be the change in temperature during the night?"
-- more a question for our meteorologists than our third-graders.

"Mister Teacher has 99 markers. He received 900 more markers. Mister Teacher has a nice haircut. How many markers does Mister Teacher have in all?"
-- interesting choice of random extra information...

And finally, a question from one of my little girls who just doesn't understand the concept...

"D had $22 in his account. He spent $32 for his lunch. How many more money does he have left?"

A snowball's chance

Last night, when I got home from school, it was almost 80° outside. This afternoon, at 3:30 out in the school parking lot, I threw a snowball at our wacky, bowtie-wearing art teacher (excessively adjectived because I know he'll read this).

Yes, the temperature dropped that far in less than 24 hours. While it didn't start snowing until around 11 o'clock, it was 34° on my drive in to the school. And for that half an hour that I had to stand out in front of the school on crosswalk duty -- yeah, it didn't get any warmer. I had on my ski cap, gloves, scarf, and I was still miserable. My crosswalk partner was bundled up like a Tusken Raider from Star Wars -- with better conversational skills, of course.

After the morning announcements and after I had regained feeling in my extremities around 8:30, the principal came on the speaker again and asked for a head count so that the cafeteria would know how many lunches to have ready. As acting grade chair (I say acting, because it is no longer a paying position), I sent a few kids out to collect up numbers from the other third-grade teachers, and the results came back looking like Mike Vanderjagt’s field-goal record as a Dallas cowboy. 10/17, 14/17, 18/25, etc.

I had 3 kids missing out of 18, but Mrs. Educator only had 11 out of her 17 present. So in the afternoon, after we had switched classes -- and after two parents had come to pick up their children -- I had a ridiculously small class. It was actually quite pleasant.

Two of the boys in the class had caused a lot of trouble yesterday for the substitute teacher while I was at a training. So today, I had both of them sitting at their seats repeatedly copying the phrase, "I will not misbehave and act like a fool." It would be SO very nice if that message would stick!

At 2:30, two of the kids went to their resource class, and one more child was picked up by her mother. I started to feel like I was stuck in an Agatha Christie novel -- And Then There Were Six.

I'm pretty sure this is the first time in my teaching career (an extensive 4 years) that I have had less than 10 kids at the end of the day. Even on the last day of school, I've never had this few.

It will be very interesting to see how tomorrow goes. The forecast calls for highs in the mid-40s, and as far as I know, there are no plans to close the schools. However, it is supposed to be in the 20s tomorrow MORNING, and seeing as how that is when parents decide whether or not to send their kids out the door, I would not be surprised to have only a handful of kids again. Unfortunately, I can almost guarantee that the misbehaving fools will be first in line at my doorway.

Parking is free

It's Wednesday, which means it's time for the weekly Carnival of Education! This week marks the 95th incarnation, and it's being posted over at A History Teacher's blog. Float on over there, check out all of the midway attractions, ogle the sideshow denizens, and have whatever the latest fried edible is.
Just tell 'em Darth Grader sent you.

Christmas in November??! BRILLIANT!!!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Or, excuse me, I should say it's beginning to look a lot like Holiday Season. I've never particularly been one for euphemisms (despite the cruel joke my parents played on me by giving me the middle name, "Euphemism"), and that one especially chaps my hide. Why isn't February the "Holiday Season?" I mean, you've got Valentine's Day, Presidents' Day, Groundhog Day, MY birthday... talk about a holiday bonanza!

But no, we can't officially talk about Christmas in school anymore -- Heaven forbid! (Wait, can I say the word heaven?) During the morning announcements today, my principal capped things off with, "And remember, there are only 15 school days left until Chri-- Winter Break!"
I could practically hear her larynx split down the middle as it attempted to do a 180 and avoid say the C-word.

But no matter what you call it, there are already decorations galore in anticipation of it. Thanksgiving apparently couldn't end fast enough for some people, as lights, signs, and lawn displays seemed to go up overnight. Now this will be the first year that I am even THINKING about putting up lights on my house, and if I do in fact get around to that, it definitely will not be before this weekend. However, I just got back from a walk around my neighborhood, and I already feel that my house will be the domicile equivalent of Charley Brown's Christmas tree.

I saw plenty of lights and displays, and even a few with a Texas twist. "Merry Christmas, y'all," inside an illuminated outline of the state of Texas -- adjacent to Santa on a Harley. Several Christmas cacti. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Longhorn (okay, I didn't really see that one -- but it might be kind of cool).

And a lot of people have gone to those inflatable front yard displays. Which apparently only get inflated in the evening. I passed by one or two empty Santa husks, lying face down in the grass. I'd love to see the housewives out there inflating them sometime. I'm picturing Julie Hagerty and the autopilot from Airplane.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, I have an excellent gift request. I would really love for someone to give me a little box with a button on it that would say one word whenever the button was pressed. That one word would be the catchphrase of the black and white animated professors from the Guinness Genuine Stout commercials.

That way, whenever I'm in class, and one of my kids tells me that it must be lunchtime because the clock says 5:83 -- I can just push the button.

When one of my students tells me that there are 10 boxes of crayons, with 5 crayons in each box, so there are 15 crayons total -- I can just push the button.

When one of my little cherubs informs me that he is about to wet himself because he chose NOT to use the facilities during our class bathroom break (which we returned from 10 minutes prior) -- I can just push the button.

When one of my future rocket scientists says to me, "Mister Teacher, I didn't bring my homework because I put it in my backpack, but then my little brother was playing with my dog, and I saw their heads inside my bag, but now my pencil is there, but my brother was sick last night, and so I didn't sleep, and now I have my homework, but it's not done,” -- well, I might need TWO buttons on that box, so I can push THIS one.

Things I am thankful for

In the spirit of the season, I thought I would write a post listing some things that I am thankful for. So here goes:



10) I am thankful that despite what my kids say, when the temperature goes from 55ºF to 50ºF, it does NOT in fact represent a 105 degree swing.

9) I am thankful for mandatory weekly staff meetings, every Monday. Without them, I don't know how I would spend that extra hour after school.

8) I am thankful that my kids are finally starting to understand fractions. We are done with 1/2 of the school year, with 2/3 left to go, and my kids are about 12/9 prepared.

7) I am thankful that the Turducken is finally getting its due. Can the emergence of the Tacsagnchilada be far behind?

6) I am thankful for the sheer genius that went into deciding NOT to order a particularly helpful workbook for our kids, but instead purchasing an online license so we can print off our own copies -- without stopping to consider that we can only make about four copies a week.

5) I am thankful that it is finally college basketball season once again! GO DUKE!!

4) I am thankful that only THREE kids in my class have peed in their pants so far this year. FOUR by Thanksgiving is the mark you never want to hit.

3) I am thankful for a class full of polite, well-behaved, respectful children who always put forth their best effort. Well, I'm thankful that I had a dream last night about such a class.

2) I am thankful for the fact that Absolut Vodka looks exactly like water when placed in a used Evian bottle.

1) I am thankful for a full week of no tattling!! Except of course for when my sister-in-law will be tattling on my brother for eating too much turkey and taters.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and have a great, relaxing break!

Do we get to raid the fridge, too?

I got this email from a friend this week, comparing teacher salaries to babysitters' wages (and we all know the reponsibilities are very similar). I thought it was Superfantastic. So I bring it to you, the loyal reader...

"I, for one, am sick and tired of those highly paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! Its time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do, baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right! I would give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any silly planning time. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby-sit theirchildren.

Now, how many do they teach in a day? maybe 25. Then that's 15 x 25 = $375.00 a day.But remember they only work 200 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see? That's 375 x 200 = $75,000.00. (Hold on, my calculator must need batteries!)

What about those Leading Teachers or the ones with Masters Degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be that fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour. That would be $6.00 times five hours times 25 children times 200 days = $150,000.00 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here! THERE SURE IS, HUH?"

School me good!

Hey, I just saw that I've been featured over on the L.A.Times blog -- School Me!

Thanks for the pub, guys! Keep up the good work!

The last straw for O.J.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about how I am feeling sick. Today, I write a post about being sickened.

O.J. Simpson has written a book called, "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." Apparently, some big publishing house felt the need to pay him $3.5 million (or thereabouts) to make up a completely theoretical, entirely hypothetical, undoubtedly purely make-believe, what-if type story to detail how he would have murdered Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

If I did it… yeah, that's kind of like Hitler saying, “Hey, you know I didn't really kill all those Jews, but if I did, here's how I would've done it."

This is completely and utterly disgusting to me. I guess that I can believe that there are lots of people in this world who would get some pleasure out of reading this book or watching the interview that Simpson is going to do at some point, but I can guarantee you that I will not be part of that audience.

I'll actually be working hard on my own book, "I didn't eat that last slice of pizza, but if I did, here's how it happened."

Welcome to the petri dish

Well, I suppose I should have known that I couldn't outrun it for long...

You know that song that goes, "come on, come on, get down with the sickness?" Well, consider me officially… down with the sickness.

Me getting sick at around this time of year is not the odd thing. Actually, it's sort of a moral victory that I've lasted this long into the school year without catching anything. What IS odd, however, is that almost all of the third-grade teachers have gotten sick at the same time. So I am not alone in my misery.

Usually, the colds that I catch at the school last longer than Paris Hilton boyfriends. My first year, I basically was sick from Thanksgiving until spring break. But then, I learned that it was not a good idea to rub my eyes, pick my nose, or put my mouth right on top of the water fountain, and things got slightly better.

If there are any doctors out there, maybe you can help me figure out exactly what I have this time around. At first, I was thinking maybe it was just a touch of the ebolla, or perhaps some over-achieving strain of Dutch elm disease, but take a look at these symptoms and see what you think.

Headache
Runny nose
Stuffed up nose
Leaky brake fluid
Cough
Sore throat
The ability to control and command small groups of ants (maximum 30) for limited tasks
Dizziness
Phlegm out the wazoo
Severe menstrual cramping

Any ideas? Please get back to me. In the meantime, I'm going to climb into bed and enjoy my 12 hours of sleep before the alarm rings at 5:30.

What's eating you?

For the past couple of weeks in science, the topic of discussion has been producers, consumers, and food chains. Not to be confused with FAST food chains, the regular run-of-the-mill type of food chains are those fun little paths that lead from producer to consumer -- from plant to animal.

Actually, that's been a very difficult point to get across -- the fact that animals cannot make their own food. Whenever I bring this up and tell the kids that as animals, they cannot make their own food, I always get a chorus of arguments.

"I can TOO make my own food! I can make a turkey sandwich, and sometimes my mommy lets me make macaroni and cheese!"

Maybe we should start watching the Food Network in class, to determine the difference between MAKING your food and PREPARING your food.

Anyway, over the weekend, I gave an extra credit homework assignment which was to illustrate your own food chain. I got some very interesting submissions. Here are a few of the proposed chains that we will probably not be seeing in nature anytime soon:

Corn --> Lion --> Shark

Beans --> Birds --> Fish --> Shark --> Whale

Plant --> Person --> Tiger

Strawberry --> Ferret --> Fox --> Alligator


These were all pretty amusing, but none of my kids this year included dinosaurs, as in years past. And I think that my favorite of all time, just because it was so strange to receive such an entry from one of my smarter kids:

Strawberry --> Squirrel --> Snake --> Chinese Person

Second Hand Road Rage

This year, my before-school duty is monitoring the crosswalk out in front of the school. I get to make sure that the kids don't get run over before they can enter our halls of higher learning. This is a relatively easy and pleasant morning job. I get to say good morning to a lot of children, talk to some of the parents, and smile and wave at most of the teachers as they pull into the parking lot (ironically, the one teacher who never waves is someone on my grade level).

But after being out there for even only a couple of minutes, I have to wonder if some of these people got their driver's license from the bottom of a box of Count Chocula.

Don't get me wrong, for the most part, the parent who drop their kids off are definitely excellent drivers, following all of the standard laws of traffic and vehicle operation. However, there are those select few who seem to be auditioning for a role in Mad Max Road Warrior Part 2.

I'm not a traffic cop; I'm not supposed to even act like a traffic cop, I'm just supposed to help kids get across the street. So oftentimes, all I can do is watch as someone drives maniacally, and hope that I don't witness any fender benders or worse.

If I carried a radar gun with me, I am certain that I would be able to track some people going upwards of 40 mph.

It is routine for people to pull up to the curb, turn off the car’s engine, get out of the car, and help their kids out of the backseat. Unfortunately, it is almost just as common for people to do these things WITHOUT having pulled to the curb first. They just stop right in the middle of the street.

Some people don't seem to understand that the broken yellow line in the middle of the street indicates traffic flowing in TWO directions. Instead, they merely see it as another lane that they can pull into to pass a slower moving vehicle. I have even seen one or two of the school bus drivers do this!

My favorite was the lady who pulled up to the curb to drop her kids off, but who did so while facing oncoming traffic. In other words, all of the drop-offs HAD been passing me from left to right, but this lady pulled in from right to left. BRILLIANT!

Even though it is quite easy to complete a full circuit around my school in order to drive back out the way you came in, some people insist on showing off their driving skills, I guess. Completely oblivious of all other cars, these people will perform a 3-point turn in order to turn around. While my partner sometimes goes the "Paula" route and says, "wow, that was a perfectly executed maneuver!" I am often more tempted to play “Simon” with, "I always wondered what it would be like to see Ray Charles driving..."

I'm thinking about possibly carrying around some certificates in the morning. You've heard of the Darwin Awards? I'll have to start passing out some Learn Me Good awards.

And heck, while I'm ranting, I may as well express my dismay with one particular white Mazda sports car. The great thing about this car, which passes by my school almost every morning, is the totally hot babe that it contains. The bad thing about this car was that this morning, the babe was sitting in the passenger seat…

Reader's Digestion

Back around the beginning of October, I made my book, Learn Me Good, available as a free electronic download -- and several people took me up on my offer. One of the stipulations though was that they agreed to post a review on Barnes & Noble's web site and Amazon.com.
So far, only one person has posted a review (Thanks Ruth!)
Which leads me to one of the following conclusions regarding the other copies I sent out:

1) the e-book got lost in the cyber mail and somehow got posted mistakenly on the "Bring back Simon and Simon" message board.

2) after reading three pages, the recipient keeled over onto his/her keyboard, subject to a massive heart attack, stroke, and really nasty hang nail (what we in the medical business term the trifecta).

3) the recipient attempted to post a review, but received an error message from Amazon.com stating, "we done be all fulled up. Try next door."

4) the recipient just has not had time to read Learn Me Good yet, as he/she has been too busy dealing with troubled youths, wild animals, or impending alien invasions.

Whatever the reason, I would still definitely appreciate some feedback whenever the chance presents itself.

Thanks!

The Nightmare after Halloween

Last week, on the day after Halloween, one of my kids raised his hand with an urgency implying he had something really important to tell me. When I called on him, he told me the following:

"Last night, after trick-or-treating, we went home, and my mom was real tired, and she fell asleep on the couch, and she didn't cook us dinner, and I was hungry, and so I had no choice but to eat all of my candy. It was good!"

I do so love the fact that the kids apparently think they DO have a choice -- not to do their nightly homework -- yet they have NO choice on whether or not to stuff themselves full of sugar before they go to bed...