Twenty Years

 It's been a while. 

As usual life goes on. It's been 20 years since i started this blog. 

I think I only just found out something about myself. 

I realise that I am not great at closure. 

Something that really fears me and something that I dwell on a lot is becoming just a memory for people. 

I'm still looking for that relationship where the other person cherishes me as much as I cherish them. Just to be the best of friends and to continuously enjoy each other's company. 

I don't like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary, 

I think I'm holding on to so much more than I can carry.

I keep dragging around everything that's bringing me down. 

It's not like I make the choice to keep my mind this messy. 

I looked back on posts from before, and I see that I have barely changed much. 

I still pour my heart out into people and expect the same, and the same fucking results keep turning up. 

It's definitely not anybody's fault. It's just the way things are and the way thing's work. 

I think Alfred was wrong when he spoke to Bruce about falling down. I think we fall down not to pick ourselves up but to see who lends a hand. 

I haven't made a list of important people in my life in a while so I'll make one here. If you ever find your name here, please know that you matter a lot to me. 

My hometown girl Hor Peay Pei 

The most intelligent man I've ever  known Prusothman Sinaraja.

The most unlikely brother Hua Tse Kai 

My sportsman Ng Boon Kwang

My Arab Suhib Mazin Ahmed Alzyoud 

My Moroccan dog Hamada Mmohamed Hajjoub 

My general dog Sheikh Usama Sheikh Ijaz 

The unlikeliest best friend Geh U-Shen 

My baobei Irene Lin Wenjia with her two cats Huahua and Jerry. 

My best friend from korea Hwang Soo Jung 

The person who taught me a lot growing up Bryan Chin Sing Lik 

The best couple who withstood everything Kushal and Amanda. 

Jay Chai who's literary done everything with me. 

Sasho Kostovski and his crazy family for being my family 

Simone Peschel who loved me like no other. 

I can't think of anyone else who if they called me and ask for something I would do with no questions asked.  

I know I haven't spoken to most of you in probably years, it's no wrong on your part, it's always been me and the choices I've made that make me drift away. 

I'd give anything to be at Midvalley Megamall on May 19th 2005 with you guys queuing up to buy tickets to the Revenge of the Sith with all our toys and shopping for more stuff at Toys R Us. 

If given the chance, I don't think I would do anything different. I did everything I could ever do to the best of my abilities. I had all the best times with you guys, I really did.

Thank you for keeping up the most part of 21 years. I became a man with all of you. 

James

 

This is me 

 

I'm moving to Canada in a year's time. 

I haven't seen my friends in years, I really, really miss them. Prusoth, tse kai, boon. This three people shaped me to become who  I am today. I haven't done right by them always, but hopefully no hard feelings stay. Hopefully one day we can all sit down, watch some star wars, and reminisce. 

I keep thinking of the late Uncle Ronnie Ng. "The night is still young boys" he said. I hope the night remains young forever. My best memory of him is he and I standing near the huge gate as his house and talking about tobacco in the olden days. How it use to come in tins. Love and peace to the late Uncle Ronnie. 

I love all of you.

ima kara,ore tachi ha nakama janai ka?

itsumo anata no koto ha kangaitte iru yo..

itsu made ka?

ima,kimi ,boku no koto ha kirai ka?

Do shitte yo?Ore ha Indojin dakara ka?iie?

Ore wa chugoku jin janai dakara ka?

Tsukaretta ne,ore no kimochi ha...

Mainichi mainichi,

boku no kokora ha kimi to

soba ni itai.

Kotoba ii dekinai.

kono kokoro ga sasageteirru.

 today was a horrible day. 

they pink car owner made a false report against me. 

for a few hours, i was under arrest. 

managed to prove my innocence and was out of the station by 10 pm. 

listening to who knew by pink. 

i remember the year being 2006, it was a really popular song here in sydney, 

it's my favourite song from her. 

talks about trust and the future and good and bad decisions. 

i sent a few emails today, to joanne chan(she used to date yew joe), to shen and a few other people. 

i truly hope shen is doing great wherever she is. I always thought of her like my little sister.

anyway, I've done things I'm proud of, and many things I'm not proud of.

I learnt a trade this 2 years. I can paint any car now. 

I'm planning to get married after the restrictions on covid are lifted. 

The future scares me, this blog has evolved from me being a 17 year old to me being a 34 year old. 

my parents are old, i dread the day they are no more. 

I'm truly not prepared for such a day. 

Today i feel defeated and lost. I want to wallow in this feeling, but i know  I'll bounce back. 

this reminds me of tse kai's blog, it had a batman begins theme, and it said, 

why do we fall Bruce? so that we can learn to pick ourselves up. 

Wherever all you guys are in this world, please be safe, guard you hearts and minds,don't lose that innocence we had in school, don't lose that bond we shared. 

RIP Nagulan a/l Pachimuthu

RIP Eric Ng Sin Heng. 

peace be with you my friends, wherever you are, peace be with you. I will miss you guys dearly. Gone too soon.  I will treasure all memories I have left of you guys. I hope I will never forget you guys till the day I die. 

Neol Saranghaji Anha

It's been years. Really years. I've been around. Many places. You name it and I've been there. I've been in and out of relationships. I've had friends come and friends go.  I've been an assistant producer for tv shows. I've been a cook at Mc Donalds, I've been a driver, I've been through shit.

I read through everything that I've posted here. It pains me to see how naive I was, and how naive I still am.
The world sucks. That is simple and clean. You have to go out there and get what you need.

My advice to any of you who's just passed high school into life, don't let if fuck with you. You grab life by the neck, turn it around and shape what you want out of it. Nobody is going to feed you what you want.

Be it love, life, work or whatever. You reach for it and grab it. And, when you've found that one thing that drives you, you don't fucking let go of it. You hold on to it for dear life.

If a woman breaks your heart, so be it. Don't be kind. Don't be afraid to say what you feel. Don't be afraid or nice enough to take the shit she give you. Stand up, do yourself proud. Do me proud. 

scandinavia

it's 10.30 in the morning and I'm playing with pony action figures with my little cousins.
I keep wondering about the future,how it's going to be,
will I buy my house?
will I have kids?
lol.

the year is coming to an end,but i wish it lasts longer.
I've had so many firsts this year,so many but I still want to
experience more.

Riding is becoming fearful for me but I want to push myself to the limits.= )

It hurts

everytime I feel upset and long for something to be just because it's not,
it just takes me back to that day I left sydney.

I always put the blame on you when things aren't going well.

I need to go to korea.Need.
I've come a long way businesswise,I can say I am almost succesful.Almost.
Joo young.
There is no alternative to this life.
Alcohol is drank because it's a paradox.It's just like life,it hurts and pleasures at the same time.

I need a cure of this cancer.

Volna

It's happening tonight.
I'm afraid.
I don't know why.
He's got his hand on her hips all the time.

It's been so long,
would her sounds be recognizable?

I haven't walked around in the rain for a while.
Moscow Never Sleeps.

seven plus three equals ten.

alone we stand,united we fall.

i had a dream of making the most beautilful music in the world,
the kind of music anybody can relate to and feel that they are part of my life,
the kind that makes me feel like i am part of their life.

I got ditched by my bandmates but that turned out to be a blessing,
it inspired me to write more words unto paper.
I now stand aged 23 with almost a quarter century's worth of inspiration and experience.
It's time I share with the world what it has shared with me.

I'm travelling,through time and space searching for that one thing that will unite us all.
I believe that that is the only way I can unite the world.
When above all our differences,we can still have and share something in common,
I believe that we will be bonded even closer than we ever have been.

I think I've lost the need and want to be in love or be loved.
I feel that I cannot achieve all that I want to achieve if I have someone else who shares my life with me.
I also feel that at the end of everything,we need money.Loads of it.
I'll be taking the first step really soon.

bapak stim

to have your face in her thoughts,
at the same time have hers in yours,
to know that the gap between your fingers,
are there only so that her fingers can comfortably fit into them,
for her to know what your favourite colour,food.leisure activities and so on,
and for you to know the exact same things about her,that I yearn to know,

I am sad that it's not something that belongs to me,
yet at the same time,I am glad that it actually helps the world go round safe.
I am disappointed,but I've been through this so many times it's almost not surprising anymore.
God change the world soon.I want to enjoy all the time I can without being picked on
just because I am indian.

MY heart is very berry the weak

this world has changed alot since i started taking notice of it.
I remember how I grew up wanting to be a policeman.
Now that I've grown up,it's truly ironical how much I dislike the police today.

It's a world full of paradoxes and irony.
Christians preaching the word yet downloading music.
Boyfriends proclaiming their love for their girlfriends yet fucking someone else overseas.
Children telling their parents how much they love them yet dishonoring them in their social circles.

I love the blues.There is something so soothing about it.Something in it which understands me.
Something in it which I can respond to spontaneously.
I believe that one day The Blues will change the world.

I still want to win my Nobel Prize.I will win it in literature or in peace.This is my goal.
My circle of friends has changed so much in the past ten years.
Each and every one of them play such an important role in my life till today.

Today I really enjoy the company of this friend of mine,LiMik who works as an auditor.
It's awesome the way LiMik brings so much fun I've missed back into my life.
The peace and serenity LiMik brings is also very very appreciated and honored.

This whole post just doesn't give me the feeling I used to get when I used to write.It's as if the passion is gone or maybe it's just that I am tired.I feel that I am merely typing out sentences to fill a quota.
Somebody help me please.
I'm tired of the status quo everything is in.I need thrill,adventure and excitement.

I hope you don't mind.

I've found it again.
That feeling of wanting to belong.
Just waiting for it to change,
waiting for the right words to speak,
waiting for the right things to happen.

It will all be in time for us.
Auditors are full of life in a paradoxical way.

your love means everything to me.

I slipped away last night
Took me away from sight and the place I know.
All crushed upon my skin
This mess I put you in and the punch I thrown.

It was a strange reaction
For someone like you to remain on side
And in a chain reaction
I was down and calling for a place to hide.

I saw a broken arm
Machines will all break down in the way I know.
Mended and all made clean
I saw upon the screen all the stones I thrown.

It was a strange reaction
For someone like you to remain so sure
And in a chain reaction
I dissolve and break and then away I crawl

I wish we could be one

That way we'll all be free in the dreams we own

To try for what we want

I'd give up both my arms for this only chance.

It was a strange reaction
For someone like you to remain so sure
And in a chain reaction
I dissolve and break and then away I crawl

It's raining,raining.

Mungking sesetengahnya hanya sementara,

mungkin ia tak sepatutnya begini,

namun,siapa dapat agak ya?

Nampak ketara ke dilema di wajah aku?

Broken Hill isn't so broken after all

So much time passed by,I've been telling you things that have been happening since we parted.
for you to think that I would spoil it all over again is wrong.I don't think I would let even the way I
truly feel about things take you away from me.

Emotions are controllable.I can control them.I'm serious.
I'm still tempted to come and show you nothing will change the feelings,
but so much has changed with the way things are dealt with,especially feelings.

Look at me,after all these years,I'm still happy at the very sound of your voice,
there is no trace of anger or resentment.No matter how unfair you may think it
is,there will never come a time where I'd not break an arm for you.

There is truly only one thing I don't understand?Am I not worthy of being a friend that
you would go all out for?Why is it I can't share your sorrows with you?I'm am not friends with
you just so you can share only your meager amount of happiness.I truly yearn to know about,
understand and share both your ups and downs in life.

Note:This is a post made around the end of june 2009

It's a new year.There was a huge hype over the ending of the decade but to me,I guess it was just another day.It's surreal how one day can make such a small difference yet at the same time bring about huge changes.

It's irony I tell you,a paradox.

Today I was going through things in my life,I went through my whole 19th year of life.I think that year of my life is the happiest I've been so far.The freedom to do or say anything I want was given to me when that year begun.I touched so many lives in every way I could,and I let many lives touch me as well.I was almost carefree as well.

This past year has been horrible.It was the most worldy,selfish and unproductive year of my life.So after careful consideration,I've decided to make make a resolve,to never be that way again.

Financially,I've been blessed beyond measure by God and all his means,I wish that he could bless other people too.It still saddens me to see people unable to reach their full potential due to financial issues.

The peaceful religion,Islam has shown us what it's capable of doing as far as peace is concerned.

Anyway,I'm tired of this lifestyle with so much people in it.I want seclusion.I think time to myself is what I need.It's what most of us really need right now.

if i asked could you say yes.

It's really really awesome when strangers become friends,

but the opposite of it,is something I find hard to bear.

How do you go about,not caring for someone you used to call friend?

What in the world can make you not care actually?

On my part,I think it's best I give you what you want.

So I hope you get famous in your own right,as your friends are still mine.

Those things that led to others,have led to even more things now,

I guess friendship for the Rich and Famous,lies only within the Rich and Famous.

Thanks for the "Canorous" moments.I truly enjoyed it all before the change.

rita

Today I give up on life as I know it.

Today I stop believing in all I hold unto.

No,I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to be fake,because I don't 

like people being fake.

Exactly the way she feels,I feel now

about people being fake.

No,I still don't want to talk about it.

Don't send me messages saying you

guys are worried about this,

I know that you know how I feel 

about all this.

Go ahead,I don't think I want to be part of

any form of circle in this world.

I need a friend,a friend who seems forced to 

be there for me now.

I'm setting you free,you can come back to me,

if you understand we are friends.

I want to drive around with you,

singing along to our Beatles CD.

I can't tell you,but I know that it's mine.

She's leaving home,and it's all being for

the benefit of Mr. Kite.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love.

By the way,I mean it when I say,

it's your thing.I've got nothing to do with it.

Take it,mould it into whatever you want it to be,

at the end of the day,I'll still support you.

I'll be your biggest fan.

I'm going to do what it takes for me to be comfortable.

hold my head up late at night

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, and a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

voli koroi

hey,you're back?
It's hard to see you here expecting me to be who you are.
I wish I had that power though.

time and time again,we do what we have to.
we keep putting everything but ourselves next.
maybe if it was different once,
we'd see pass what light reflects on.

I hope you are m.o.s.
i can now see all the stones I've thrown
passing me by as I try to evade them.
My own medicine.take care though.

Irelax

I play dota once again.It's where I am best at being myself when I play.
I choose the cyber caffe and all the friends that come along with it because
they don't judge me and tell me that I am too different to be part of them.
I like the fact that my team can have 2 indians,1 chinese,2 malays and still play
together without any issues.

This is the life I choose.This is the life that accepts me to be part of them no
matter how different I may be.I'm the biggest feeder on the team by the way.
I hope the rest of you have fun.

iRx.PEMAKAN DUNIA
iRx.PEMAKAN BANGSA
iRx.Ubatbatuk
iRx.Achilles`
iRx.papajahats

super ppjh

on another note,there are a few relationships I am truly proud of.
to be able to send an email with six lines and have so much love
contained within those few words in it is incredible.

from being in london and then philadelphia within 1 day but managing to be
there to hear me out is something too impressive too believe.

to disappear for an eternity from my life and to have the courage to tell
me your problems is something no normal person can do.something that takes
so much courage.

I just can't understand how I can have friends this great.I love them all.


excerpt*

you changed my whole life,
don't know what you're doing to me.
I'm feeling super human,you did this to me,
a super human heart beats in me,
Nothing can stop me here with you.


everytime i think of you and all the possibilities the world has with you in it,
i feel like that line in that song.

blahtungguingyky

hey,if you are ignoring me on purpose,it's really not working the way you might want it to.It's
only making things worse for me.I'm not upset or angry or anything like that because I know
why you are doing it and what you are hoping to achieve by it.You just don't know it's not working
the way you want it to.

Eraj used to get upset with me,when I didn't want to share all my problems with him.When all
I could be with him was a happy man.I always thought I was doing him a favour by not telling him
my problems,by not being honest with him,but now I understand how he truly felt.Like he wasn't worth
my honesty.

I think to be blessed with a relationship that has gone through so much and still manage to sustain it's
strongholds after so many problems and misunderstandings,it is truly a wonderful thing.We've experienced
so much by ourselves already,so much that it's enough for us to decide maturely on things to do and how to
overcome problems we've most definitely faced before.

For me,the best solution is always honestly putting myself in another's shoes.
I love all of you.Honestly I love all of you.

O Week 2007 !!!!

I have no idea how  I managed to keep this with me for so long. =)

I miss you loads wei.

My First Time.

My Rock Wagon is No Longer Rocking Enough.

ACCIDENT!!!

vicky

ok,here's another rant about work.starting to get very tiring.

I got a telling off by boss,to not be rough to the bands,ravi mentioned that to the boss.

Fact, i don't think it's rough when I speak to the bands in their own dialect,or like old friends.
It's always welcoming to me everytime I gig,to have someone on the organizer's side talk with me like we've known each other for ages.

they are cool with it,they contact me after the gig,telling me how they like it.how well it went.
how they really hope and want to come back again.it's fun.I know it's a brand I'm carrying,the
"Homegrown Brand."But, can't I act individualy?I've not said one harsh word to the band,just because you guys can only afford to act profesionally,doesn't mean I'm obliged to as well.

The thing that I'm upset about is my boss lectured me on humbling myself and taking instructions.As far as I can remember,Ravi gave me only one instruction the whole day,which was to remind the bands to lower their volume and I did it.I don't know what is making my boss say that I need to humble myself and take instructions.To make it seem like I am not humble enough to learn really is a lie.

This sucks, 1 up to resignation and doing my own business.


okay update,boss was beating around a bush that's was not even supposed to be there.
now i really hate hip hop.lol=)

resurrection

why am I fighting to live,if I'm just living to fight.
why am I trying to see,where there is nothing in sight.
why am I trying to give,when no one gives me a try,
why am I dying to live,if I'm just living to die.

rowda ya habibi

hey there hadassah,

I learnt something.I was reading about this field I am working in on a few forums.

Most of the people there stated that I need to have a certain skill.The skill is called

"skill tahan maki".

Today I found out what they mean by that.My boss scolded me.It's not his fault la.100% my fault cause I was sleeping at the desk.

But the words out of his mouth, was quite insulting I think,it's still etched in my head.

I guess "skill tahan maki" is definitely needed for this field.

It's surprising though,I didn't assume an organization run by a church goer would work this way.

All the sarcasm and everything,I guess the working world really is unethical and self centred.
I also learnt that NOW it is okay to be hypocritical and lie to the boss.

deng.

yes,it doesn't matter where you are,your position is not going to stop you from achieving your dreams.It's i think how much you are willing to step out of your comfort zone that determines how soon you achieve them.
God works in so many different ways.=) I hope you hold on to that kah yee. =)
Glad you understand so much about God =)

Bryan and I almost got into a fist fight,I'm glad I didn't take him on his offer to come give me a slap.I'm glad I just stared at him and understand what he was.
I wouldn't have want to be in a fist fight with him.


We, being human beings,are just plain selfish most of the time.I know now that people can advice you on everything in the world,but just because they do so,it doesn't ensure that they practice it.
I'm going to jakarta.I want to go.

imalsoarockstar

There must be some kind of way out of here.
There's too much hurt,pain,distrust and assumptions.
Nobody of this worlds's worth it.There's no point to taking things for their worth now.
The only thing that counts is actually how much unfairnesswe can take before we start to give it back.
The best thing to do would be to not give any unfairness back.

I'm not much better than those who wronged me,even if I've not wronged any human,there is a God
I've wronged more than anything else.
That alone warrants me for all the suffering and pain
I can endure and then some.

For you to pick up that call
and then continue it even when you deserve all the rest
you can get,is truly amazing.To take how food is thrown at you in that sense,
is even more amazing on top graceful.
I'm so proud of how you adapted to experiences.
Proud of who you are. Honestly I am.

kawan-kawan aku

Hey there..

It's alright. I replied late to your chat anyways.

Hey, I understand that feeling small bit. And I know how bad it can feel.. Despite trying so hard and doing all the right things, people still make you feel small.

I really have no solution to that.

One thing I do know is that what matters is our reaction - when people make us feel small, we do not retaliate/react in ways that are negative. It will not speak much of who we are.. and make us even lesser.

What I do know and how I know I've been sustained is that I hold on to who God says I am. He says many things about me, many nice things especially.

Read Psalm 139 for example. It's crazy how much He thinks about me!

And Ephesians 2: 10! That He actually BELIEVES in me and in what I have within me. That's another crazy thought.

Does that insulate us from all the negative that people can show us? Nopes. It will still hurt. At times. But it helps more than ever to find our worth in our Creator's eyes.

Who has more right to tell you who you are/to make you feel how you feel? The people around you? Or the Person who Created you and put all those good things within you?

Choose who you want to listen to.

*hugs*

Hope you're feeling better..



_______________________________

thanks hadassah.

words toward eve.

There is no way I am allowed to feel this way.
I'm supposed to be the strongest,laugh the loudest,
live the liveliest,taste the tastiest,die the happiest.
I can't let them see me this way.

I can't wait for it all to end.
To come back together,to embrace each other.
There's no passing moment not filled with fragments,
fragments from a life I am proud of.

They can't see me,Not this way.
I'm the rock. The tamarind tree.
I'm not budging an inch,for if I move,
They lose their direction.

Sorry to say,I can't play as well.
There's nothing I'd not give for your success.
To see you marching out,as bright as stars,
To know I played a part.

50 years I'd wait,hoping for a day.
A day the whole world comes my way.
To know I can live all ways,
I'd have mingled with the world by then.

I'd be a citizen of the world.
It makes the most sense of all.

Homegrown Space

Hello there,

I'm sure most filmmakers/musicians/artists face this problem after producing their work.
They just can't find a space to display their work.
True right?

Well,recently this month,Homegrown Productions launched the Homegrown Space in Wisma Bentley ,The Curve.

This space is literaly free and the purpose of it is for our Malaysian Talent to be shown.

If you have any form of material and would like to show it at our space,feel free to contact me at @homegrown.com.my or give me a ring at 0149304606.

FYI we will provide you with the Amps,Musicial Instruments,DVD players,Projector,Screen and Sound System.
Best of all,EVERYTHING IS FREE.You will only have to do your own publicity.Also this space is not only for movies,stand up acts,music bands and fashion displays,it's just for any kind of art.

CE Torres Plaza

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along