Are You Surreal?

The struggle is surreal.

Since graduating high school I have never not been working, not unless I was on vacation or sick. So the past couple weeks have been pretty bizarre. There was a time for wallowing and feeling oh-so-sorry for myself, but I'm fortunately past that now. Liar. Okay, so I'm mostly past it. 

The resume has been updated, the portfolio polished, and applications submitted. There have even been a couple nibbles so far. I had an interview just a couple days ago and it lasted ONE HOUR. This guy had so many questions, some of them pretty bizarre, but I can now safely say I prefer a longer, detailed interview to one where you're shuffled in and out before you can get your bearings. 

Here's just one of the questions I was asked: 

Let's say your shot with a shrink ray and thrown into a blender... What do you do? 

Uh... was this a scenario in Antman? Is there anything else in the blender I could climb out on? Like a banana??

Hmmm... No.

Okay... I would probably stand on one of the blades so that when the blender is switched on I'd be jettisoned out the top... Will that work?

Actually, I don't know why I asked that... I read somewhere that they ask that in interviews at Google... 

I felt great about the interview, but the tricky part is that I'm not sure if this job is what I need right now. Like, I know I need a job ASAP, but I also need to find something close-ish to home that will pay the bills and be flexible enough to let me finish school, which is still at least one year away. Oi. This job would definitely pay the bills, but it's a full time position and I would potentially be working in Lindon. That's in Utah County, folks. Far away from home and not conducive for commuting to school and back within a reasonable time frame. 

BUT... the job is a straight-up design position. No more glorified receptionist work for me, thanks. No more promises of maybe using my design skills to take on other projects. If I get the job, my official title would be Lauren Waters: Graphic Designer. Scary. But we'll see if the company even makes me an offer. If I don't get the job, I think it would be due to my lack of professional experience. I tried to represent myself and my work as effectively as possible, but even if the answer is No I think it would be more of a Not right now instead of a Never gonna happen.  

We'll see, we'll see, we'll see... 

For now I guess I need to get comfortable with the possibility of jumping into an honest-to-goodness design job ahead of schedule. So much ground left to cover, but if I wait until I feel I'm ready I may wait myself into just another job at just another company. And while waiting often feels safe and familiar, I'm getting tired of waiting.

Wait For It

3 posts in 2 weeks? You'd think I didn't have a job or something. Well, as of about 4:00 pm yesterday you'd be right. 

Hooray for unemployment??

So in the spirit of embracing this most recent change and the road ahead, I share the following:

Life doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
And we keep living anyway
We laugh and we cry
And we break
And we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When so many have died
Then I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it...

Wait for it
Wait for it
I am the one thing in life I can control
I am inimitable
I am an original
I’m not falling behind or running late
I’m not standing still
I am lying in wait

The Conjuring 2

About 11 hours and 50 minutes ago I saw The Conjuring 2 with my sisters and brother-in-law. This was at 4:00 pm, Friday which would make the current hour 3:10 am, Saturday. I fell asleep pretty easily a few hours ago, but details of the movie have floated back to the surface of my consciousness and now I’m addressing you from the relative safety of my own bed (AM I SAFE??) in hopes I can overcome these spectral visions and drift back to sleep. Or wait for daylight. Whichever comes first.

Don’t ask me why, but my siblings and I have been on a bit of a scary movie kick lately. Not the grossly violent bloodbath kind - the eerily suspenseful, mysterious kind. They’re fun, provided you’re not keen on getting a full night’s sleep for a few days afterward. We watched the first Conjuring movie a few months back and it scared us so miserably we couldn’t wait to see the second. I don’t understand, either.

Even though I'm clearly paying for it now, watching a scary movie in a crowded theater is exciting. You gasp and shriek in unison with each terrifying scene and for the rest of the movie you’re anticipating the horrors waiting around each darkened corner. SO MANY DARK CORNERS. And while you wait, you giggle. You sit there giggling because you know something’s gonna happen and after it’s happened and you’ve jumped 3 feet out of your seat and overturned the popcorn bucket sitting in your lap, you laugh. You laugh right out loud at yourself for being so scared. You laugh at the woman in the third row who manages to scream a little louder than everyone else. You laugh at the grown man gasping behind you. You laugh at the thought of dozens of adults sitting in a dark room waiting for what is essentially the boogeyman. It’s more funny than most comedies, really. 

Except that comedies usually don’t keep you up at night. There’s nothing funny about recalling the details of a horror film while sitting alone in a dark bedroom. Demons disguised as nuns? Possessed children speaking in tongues? Furniture getting thrown around by some unseen (and extremely unhappy) entity? Turns out these things scare me a lot more now than they did 12 hours ago.

As spooked as I am this very moment - and I’m SPOOKED - The Conjuring 2 is no match for the last horror movie I saw in theaters. That honor goes to The Ring. I remember seeing it with a couple of high school friends and it was so fetching scary we fought over who would have to sit alone in the back seat of the car on the way home. I lost... Thanks, guys… When I got home I did what any mature teenager would do - I slept on my parents’ bedroom floor that night and every night for about a week until I graduated to the living room couch. 

So while The Conjuring 2 did not linger quite as much as The Ring, I kinda wish I was asleep on my parents’ bedroom floor right about now. Because I just don't think my roommates would be as accommodating. 

POSTSCRIPT: There was a silver lining I failed to mention. For some reason Patrick Wilson picked up a guitar and sang “Fools Rush In" about 3/4 into the movie. It was nice. And it made me wonder, why doesn’t he sing in ALL his movies?? Like, if they can make it work in something like The Conjuring, then surely it could work in basically ever other movie he’s been in. 

Patrick Wilson: Singing Ghost Buster

Inventory

Breaking radio silence and returning to take inventory of the last few months or so. 

January

Moved out of my parents' house... yet again. I made the decision to move out waaaaaay back in August when I started working at Rainey Homes. So it only took me 5 months to finally pull the trigger. That Lauren's a slow mover.

Started another semester at SLCC, this time with a full schedule that had me bouncing back and forth between Salt Lake and Davis County a couple times a day. It's the most classes I've taken at one time since going back to school - mildly terrifying.

Got through some emotional hurdles after the move, most difficult of which was a sense of isolation. This coming from an introvert. 

February

My biggest incentive in taking on more credit hours was so I would qualify for a tuition waiver through SLCC's Visual Art & Design program. Apparently they have scholarship money just laying around so I upped my course load and applied. I made it through the first round of the application process and later had to present my working portfolio to a room full of department heads - extremely terrifying!

Received said tuition waiver. I like when school pays for school.

March

Went on a family vacation to St. George to see a Queen cover band perform at Tuacahn. The concert was excellent, which was good because if it hadn't been this vacation might have gone down as one of the worst in Waters history. Rivaling even the capsized boat incident of 2003 at Lake Powell... Let's just say you never want to lock your keys in the trunk of your rented 2015 Volkswagen Passat. You will be carless until someone smarter than the car's computer can find a way to liberate your keys. In our case, that meant several days and 2 tow-truck trips while the car held our personal belongings hostage.

Submitted 4 pieces to the 2016 Student Art Show, 3 of which were accepted. Allow me to remind you of the lengthy entries about last year's show. 

Received 2 awards at the show. One of which was... uh... Best in Show. I received it for a piece I designed in my Advanced Typography and Layout class last semester. My design instructor explained that a design piece hadn't taken the top prize in the show in over 10 years and that it was A VERY BIG DEAL. I promptly threw up in my mind.

Here's more about the project and the show itself if you're keen. What's sad is there are so many little things I would go back and change. Still might. Sometimes you get too close to your own work and just can't look at it objectively.

April

Had to act as Creative Director for a group project in my Advertising Workshop. I discovered that I like taking charge when I'm not in charge, but once you make it official and slap a title on me I'm not so enthusiastic. I guess that means I prefer the lead-from-behind approach. Actually, I prefer the it's-too-important-I'll-just-do-it-myself-becuase-I-don't-trust-you approach.

Was informed by my roommate of 4 months that she would be selling her home over the summer. I decide to ignore this added bit of anxiety-inducing news until the semester was over and I had the luxury of freaking out in earnest, thank you very much.

Took another trip down to St. George with a friend to see the Beach Boys at Tuacahn. Well, what remains of the Beach Boys. We were rained on (a lot), but didn't mind it... so much. Nobody else seemed to either because the venue was packed. "God Only Knows" was probably my favorite number, but the saxophone solo on "Kokomo" was a close second. Very smooth.

Purchased tickets for the Coldplay concert coming in August. Ended up paying lots of money for a couple of so-so seats and then another small fortune in processing and "convenience" fees. I wonder how much less I'd pay if I were inconvenienced?

May

End of the semester. My heart rate returns to normal.

Saw Captain America: Civil War. This is noteworthy because my life is basically measured in release dates for Marvel movies and British TV shows. You laugh because you think I'm kidding. I laugh because I know I'm not. With the introduction of Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange, they've basically guaranteed my devotion for at least a few years more. But I am reaching my limit on the superhero movie front.

And while we're on the subject of Captain America, can I just say that I will never get over Peggy and Steve as long as I live. I think theirs is the most tragic narrative arc in the entire Marvel Universe. And then they go and cancel Agent Carter on ABC. Will I never have closure??

Started summer semester. I get to paint sometimes naked people 2 nights a week for 3 hours! Fortunately it's just the one class, but I'm back to using oil paints which is still a frustrating medium for me.

June

Moved again! And not back home to my parents' house like the coward you think I am. Hopefully this will be it for awhile. Moving has officially become my least favorite thing and the next time it happens, I'm just setting all my stuff on fire and starting over.

Besides all the boring minutiae in between, that should officially bring us up to speed. And aren't you glad?

Default

If something bothers me to the point of anxiety (as things often do), I usually default to one of two different modes. The first is Project Mode during which I will simply smother the anxiety by employing my energies elsewhere. I'm sorry, brain. I can't deal with this right now so I'm going to distract you with a project. It's always easier to dismiss the big problems I can't solve and find the little ones I can. And so the bigger the worry, the cleaner my bedroom. My bedroom is immaculate.

The second default is Fix-It Mode, where instead of avoiding a problem I will dive right in and obsess over a solution. After all, dissecting a problem and examining all its bits and pieces will surely help me fix it, right? I can fix it! Wrong. Because for every [insert problem here] I try to fix, I usually find 5 more. And some things just can't be fixed by sheer willpower.

These practices of total avoidance or immersion have served me well (or not so well) in the past, but they've been a bit less effective lately.

So what's happened lately? Nothing, really. I'm shouldering many of the same worries I've carried for a while, they're just a bit heavier. Most of these worries revolve around an elusive sense of self/purpose. While others seem to be settling into a comfortable routine, I have this frantic feeling of just getting started. The landscape of my future isn't clear and let's face it, I'll be 30 in a couple weeks and I kinda hate it. Because it feels like I should be somewhere I'm not. However, this is not some cliche meltdown. I realize nothing significant is going to happen at the stroke of midnight on my birthday; I just wish I had a better sense of what's coming next. It's not turning 30 I'm worried about, it's the years that follow and where those years lead. 

Fortunately, going back to school has given me the strongest sense of purpose and place that I've had in the last few years. When I'm there, I know what I'm doing and frankly, it's easy to switch on Project Mode when you have actual projects assigned. Whenever I start drifting, I can just pull out an assignment and let it take over. That's healthy, right? As long as it's not excessive? And as long as I'm not ignoring any real problems that need addressing??

So while I'm learning more about who I am and what I'm capable of and while things really are progressing, sometimes I worry they're not progressing quickly enough. Or that they should have all been worked out by now. Whatever that all means... sigh... 

Hypothetical Questions

How old am I really if I watch PBS News Hour followed by Antiques Roadshow?

If I am a self-proclaimed hater of country music and then buy tickets to see Garth Brooks in concert, does that make me a hypocrite?

What if I hope Bernie Sanders wins the 2016 Democratic nomination so I don't have to choose between Hilary and whatever bottom-dwelling troll the Republican party nominates? Take your pick...

If I cut off all my hair and neglect to post a photo of it on social media, did it really happen? Checks mirror... Yes, it did. 

Why are so many of my Facebook friends organizing parties and boutiques to sell me stuff? I feel rude declining so many event/group invitations. Then again...

If I'm interested in someone older than I am, how old is too old? Considering I watch PBS News Hour and Antiques Roadshow?? 

How often should I visit my dentist? Is every 6 years often enough?

Does having an opinion about something make me an expert? If so, my Facebook feed is full of experts. Time to deactivate Facebook? 

And lastly...

If my sister wore my shirt to her photo-op with Chris Evans at ComicCon, isn't it kinda like I'm in the picture too? And if his hand is totally touching my shirt, isn't he basically touching me? 

The Shake-Up

I can't wait for September. August has brought some unexpected changes, a few of which I'm not handling so well. I don't mind shaking things up every so often, just as long as I'm not too shaken up in the process. This recent shake-up involves a new school year, a new job, and more than likely a new living situation. All of these "news" will precipitate newer news, but one day at time please. Sigh...

Let's talk about the new job. A few weeks ago I was approached by a former supervisor who actually hired me at Candle Warmers Etc. back in 2012. The company he now works for had a position opening up and knowing how limited my options were at my current job, he reached out to see if I was interested. I wasn't so sure, but was finally persuaded to at least submit my resume. One week and two interviews later, I was offered the job. Starting next Thursday I'll be working for Rainey Homes in Bountiful. The job itself will eventually develop into a kind of office manager position with a smattering of marketing and social media responsibilities - all of which sounds pretty random, but I like wearing lots of hats. And it's a bit more relevant to the field I'm pursuing with my graphic design degree. 

There's still some lingering uncertainty and I think there will be for a while, but here's what I do know: ANSWERING PHONES ALL DAY AS A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE WAS LEAVING ME DEAD INSIDE. Candle Warmers is a wonderful company and I'm sad to leave my work family there behond, but after considering my options I decided it was time to move on. I don't know if Rainey Homes is the final answer to the question of my life's work (uh, probably not), but it's an opportunity for a change I've needed for a while now. So here goes nothin'... Or rather, somethin'.

Dear, Dear...

Dear June... Where did you go?? It's hard to believe we've reached that point in the year where the days start getting shorter again. 

Dear Parks... Your beautiful green lawns are now bone dry. It's nice to know our local parks are doing their part in conserving water, but it's a grim sight. Hopefully we'll get more rain to perk you up a bit. Though dry lawns are probably the least of our worries.

Dear Neighbors... I'll withhold judgment until later this summer, but I can't help but notice some of you have lawns which are still lush and green. Withholding judgment...

Dear Menchies... You sure knew what you were doing when you put in that pump filled with Reese's peanut butter, huh? It's enough to make a person skip the frozen yogurt altogether. Green spoon, please.

Dear Chris Pratt... I certainly enjoyed your performance in Jurassic World. Those clever girls were no match for that smolder. Click click. Here I was thinking nothing could compete with Jeff Goldblum's Dr. Ian Malcolm, but I was wrong. OKAY?? I admit it. Click click. I guess this means our goofy Andy Dwyer is all grown up. Still goofy, but now with muscles and a motorcycle. And a couple new franchises under his belt. Click click.

Dear Jeff Goldblum... I'm kidding, of course. Have you considered a cameo in the next Jurassic film? 

Dear Facebook... I just can't for a little while. I'm wasting too much time on your foolishness, scrolling my life away and letting you corrupt my sense of self. The comparison game is getting old and so are the bigoted relatives. So I'll take a little distance, if you please... A little further... Thank you.

Dear Anxiety... You know that thing you do when you make me obsess and worry about not getting something I want? Such fun! How about leaving me alone after I actually GET the thing instead of making me worry about whether I really want it after all. 

Dear Ryan Adams... Thank you for surpassing my expectations and for just being the weird, wonderful person you are. Also, thank you for coming to Red Butte Gardens where I could get as close to the action as I liked. Which was pretty close. Come back soon.

Dear Pinterest... What criteria do you use when picking pins "for me?" Yesterday you recommended a pin of a t-shirt that read "Don't flatter yourself Cowboy, I was looking at your truck." Do you know me at all?? 

Dear Chick-Fil-A... That spicy chicken sandwich.

Dear Left Hip... OW. Ow ow ow ow...

...OW.

Sincerely,

The girl who isn't looking at you OR your truck.

Girls' Night In

Well, last night was a bit of a bust, but at least it was a fun bust. My sisters and I made plans for dinner and a movie, but never specified what we wanted to do for either. Since we couldn't all agree on dinner, we ended up getting takeout from 2 different restaurants. Picking a movie? Forget it... Instead of carting a bunch of random DVDs to my sister's house, we opted for the blue-ray player. You know, so we could spend half the evening researching and arguing over movies on Netflix. Except when we arrived at my sister's and set up the player we realized the remote control had been left at home. Useless.

So Lauren was sent on a quest to find a movie. A quick trip to a local Redbox resulted in 2 random picks: The Best of Me (James Marsden?? Well, okay.) and Woman In Black 2 (because it seemed an ironic choice for our girls' night). Neither were high on my list, but the selection was pretty limited. And I just haven't worked up a desire to watch the final Hobbit movie yet... 

So we watched Woman In Black 2 first. All of us had seen the original and decided the sequel was much less creepy. Except that possessed rocking chair was back and anytime it started rocking and creaking on its own (which was about half the film) I had to plug my ears and look away. There's a rocking chair in the room next to mine so I don't like thinking about it. 

Next up was The Best of Me. We just needed something to dispel any bad juju that lingered from the first movie, even though I really don't care much for Nicholas Sparks. I feel like I was run over and left for dead by whatever bandwagon people jumped on when The Notebook first came out. But let's not dwell on what is probably Sparks' masterpiece compared to last night's viewing selection...

Trademark Nicholas Sparks Movie Poster Format

The Best of Me is about high school sweethearts who are reunited after 21 years when their friend passes away. You don't know much about either of them except that Dawson (James Marsden) recently survived a major explosion on an oil rig that jettisoned him into the ocean where he bobbed like a cork for 4 hours, contemplating the meaning of life. Then there's Amanda (Michelle Monaghan), a woman trapped in a loveless marriage to a wealthy, self-absorbed, golf-playing alcoholic. Because of course. The two are soon confronted by their shared past - a story which unfolds in a number of flashback sequences as they clean out their deceased friend's home.

Which brings me to my biggest gripe of the entire movie. Young Dawson - who had more screen time than older, handsomer Dawson - was played by an actor named Luke Bracey who is shown here next to James Marsden...

Double take!

They could be twins, right?? No, they could NOT be twins. I don't know who was responsible for this casting, but it didn't work. I felt like I was watching a movie about 2 different people instead of younger and older versions of the same person. This photo doesn't even do their differences justice - it was so distracting!

Anyway... The movie played out more like a Hallmark Hall of Fame feature with its gag-inducing cliches, but it still had about everything you could expect from Nicholas Sparks. Whose movies really are just big budget Hallmark Hall of Fame features when you think about it. I'll admit, there were a couple moments I couldn't help but go "Awww..." but then there were also little gems like this one:

You want me to fall back in love with you? How do I do that if I haven't ever stopped? 

Terrible...

But despite its overwhelming predictability (I called the ending about halfway through), there was a little last minute twist that took the story to a new level. A ridiculous level, but at least it was somewhat unexpected. If you want to know what it was, just ask.

So that was our girls' night in. A takeout shmorgasbord, a horror film we watched from behind our fingers, and a chick flick we openly mocked but still enjoyed... for all the wrong reasons. 

Farewell, Spring

Well, the semester officially ended last week and I have now entered a season of mild mourning. Really?? Really... Well, kinda. This was a pretty transformative semester for me academically and I was sorry to see it end. But summer semester starts next week so we'll dry our eyes (dab, dab) and try not to lose momentum.

One memorable experience that I've been teasing you with for the last few entries is the Student Art Showcase. I will share briefly and then never speak of it again - promise!

...as documented on my phone.

Center of Arts & Media

As I mentioned in a previous post, two of my pieces were accepted into the show. Which was good news. Then on the day of the open house I received an email saying “Congrats! If you’re receiving this email, you’ve won an award in the 2015 SLCC Student Art Showcase.” Which was better-late-than-never news. I notified all interested parties (namely the parents and my grandmother) and rushed home from work to get ready. I was a messy jumble of excitement, nerves, and mild irritation - this girl does not like feeling rushed.

250 pieces were featured in the show and roughly 25 awards were handed out including honorable mentions, awards of merit, awards of excellence, etc. I couldn't help but envy some of the pieces I saw, but I was also feeling pretty okay with my own work. Wasn't I? Yes, I was... I think... 

Honest Abe secured me an honorable mention and a gift card to Blick Art Supply - not too shabby for my first show. He remained on display at the college until I finally had to pick him up last Friday and bring him home. He's now waiting for a more permanent home somewhere on my bedroom wall - a wall that I haven't had the courage to pound any nails into since finishing my bedroom remodel. Another post for another day...

In the Eccles Gallery...

Pretty sure I overdressed for the occasion. 
One day I WILL be hip enough for the art scene, I swear.

So, there you have it. Not one more mention of the showcase from this day forward. Not unless I enter next year's show and have anything worth posting.