Ahhhh...... Paris!!!

Best trip ever. EVER. Including different islands, and NZ, and Chile- Paris wins.... it was beautiful. I LOVED it! The history, the architecture, and just the FEEL of the city. The pictures hardly do it justice- but here goes....

The beauty of massage...

So we all know that massage is good for you-right? That's not rocket science. But to a person who deals with unpredictable and constant pain? It can be a bit scary. Fact: before RA I LOOOOVED massages and would get them as a 'treat' every so often. Fact: after RA I was terrified to have anyone touch me. Massages sounded like possible torture. Many times Patrick even gently rubbing my back, when checking on me, caused me to flinch and cry out because I was so sensitive. I started to just not want to be touched. EVER. It hurt. But I had heard a few RA peeps say that it helped them. Then in New Zealand I flared big time, and the sweet events team manager found a massage therapist who specialized in rheumatoid patients, and I caved. I would have cut off my own hand at that point for some relief. And guess what?! It helped! I had to be careful around certain areas because of over sensitivity, but I could actually get relief from it!! That is when the hunt began- I needed to find someone at home, who I could trust, who could help me!

Problem- massages can be so expensive, and I am not made of money. So I looked in all of the usual places and it just turned out to be something that could only happen every now and then. Which I wasn't sure was actually going to help me. That's when my amazing friend Juli- recommended someone she knew personally. So just before I went to California with the family way back in May- I started adding regular massage into my routine. This sweet massage therapist (L.S.) who understood my anxiety about having something possibly make the pain worse- but also my desperation to find relief- was so patient with me! L.S. understood RA, at least for the most part, and was very willing to help me figure out what helped. She is an angel, truly a blessing. She can even come to my home in the evenings, so when Patrick is traveling, I can still get my massage. And I can afford her. :) Hello!! Small miracle here!! I cannot believe how blessed I am! :)

Massage has been helping me so much! It wasn't this big dramatic change- but more like a slow increase in my ability to handle the physical stress of it all. I have had a flare free summer for the most part and I would credit a lot of that to my regular massages. Its been the longest I have ever gone without a major flare since Dec 2009! (for those of you who don't understand- a flare is the SERIOUSLY intense pain, that usually knocks me flat and lasts for DAYS. My joints feel like they are being ripped apart. It sucks. I cry. a lot.)

I know it sounds spoiled, and maybe I am.... actually I TOTALLY am. But I am so very grateful. And it feels nice to be able to DO something that actually seems to be helping. (besides injecting seriously gross meds). So many times I just feel powerless, so its nice to feel like I can take control a wee little bit.

I just had to share. Its made me so happy. :)

hello out there.

Isn't he just such a CUTE baseball player???? I love it.

This is what happens at my house when mommy is stuck in bed because of RA. The kids are silly, messy, and creatively entertaining. I didn't even take this pic- that was all kk. Best part? Lily is still in her diaper in this pic. Yeah, it was a moment for the memory books.

I realize like zero people read this blog. That's ok. Sometimes its just nice to write out my thoughts, for myself to read? ok, maybe I'm just a crazy. Lets see- I last wrote in April- SCARY April. AKA: worst month EVER. But its nice to be able to say about the first week into May, that flare finally lifted a bit. And just in time too! We have been BUSY!!

-the kids finished school!! FINALLY! I am glad to have them home.

-Jackson started baseball.

-Kk started softball

-We went to Disneyland!

-We played in Newport with Mari!

-Patrick and I went to Paris!!!!!!!!

-I fell in LOVE with Paris! (It is seriously amazing)

-I went out to take care of poor sweet Mari after her foot surgery.

So pretty much I watched movies with Mari for a week. :)

-the 4th of July!

-Lily turned 3!!

-Lily decided that using the potty is fun! (HUGE step over here:)

-Mari came out to UT to visit!

You tired yet? Cause I am. It was a LOT of travel, and embarrassing at times (like Patrick packing my mattress topper and hauling it out to CA with us, cause he is paranoid that I wont sleep well. Or having pneumonia in Paris, around all of Patrick's work peeps- yeah embarrassing).

But the fabulous news??? I didn't have a flare. Not a one. SO. SO. SO. SO. GRATEFUL. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Father in Heaven for that amazing blessing. And the other fabulous news? Kk went undefeated in her softball team, and got the 1st place trophy and T-shirt. And that's just cool. :)

Now I have pics, that I will post eventually.

RAdiculous

Where do I start? This last month has been horrible. I have been flaring for almost 5 weeks now. Its been non stop pain. Everywhere. Especially my spine, which supposedly couldn't possibly be arthritis and I am insane... I still don't believe the Dr.'s on this one. Cause really? Why would I MAKE UP spine pain???? Exactly- they are idiots.

Oh sure, I have my "good" days... all that means is I can walk and move- but still am on LOTS of drugs, and if I do ANYTHING extra- I pay for it dearly. Yep, those have been my good days. Lame. So yeah, I haven't been working out at all, or even cleaning really. I tried to pick up the car, and paid for it with a MASSIVE increase in my pain, stiffness, and over all misery level for 2 solid days. No car is worth that, I don't care HOW messy it is.

So as I lay here- realizing all my hard effort, (that didn't result in one lost pound, NOT ONE! ugh) goes to crap because who can feed themselves healthy food, or food at all, when they can't even get up to prepare food? or use their hands? And why do I even try to workout if I lose it all so quickly? I lay here and keep getting super depressed, super frustrated, and super sick of angry birds.

Another interesting tid-bit I have discovered about myself these past few weeks.... I will "talk" about my RA stuff with anyone, after the fact or in reference. BUT to get me to actually show you I am in pain, and talk about it- in person, while its actually happening- takes a small miracle. I typically "hide" when I don't feel well. Just keeping to myself, in my home, doing what I absolutely have to and nothing more. It's how I cope. Keeping it simple. I won't tell anyone if I don't have to. I can't deal with the fussing, and all that jazz that people do when they pretend to care, on top everything I am dealing with. It stresses me out to say "no don't come over, I hurt so bad I will just curse like a sailor IF I even talk to you at all" nicely so many times. Really people- sometimes there really is nothing you can do. I appreciate the thought- but please stop now. K, thanks. So I hide. Keeping it to myself. But I will "talk" about it here- or on Facebook, or on texts. I am not sure why when I write it out its ok- but to actually say it, stresses me out. Makes no sense.

oh yeah and I'm worried my medicine has stopped working..... :(

To summarize: life has kinda sucked lately. And I am tired of laying in bed- and mostly I am just tired of pain. It makes me so so tired, and it never goes away. Never. I feel like its killing me little by little- a slow torturous death.

yeah, sorry to be a downer.

-L.

New Zealand

Me on the public road in front of hobbiton.... I can't show any of the actual pics per a confidentiality agreement I had to sign. By FAR my absolute favorite of the trip. IT. WAS. THE. COOLEST. PLACE. EVER. :)

Patrick in the Redwood forest we went to see... Jurassic Park 2 was filmed here! :)

We are cute. :)

Our boat! Well not really- Just for the afternoon, for a bit of lunch and tours of the lakes made from the volcanic craters. :)

HI! We are eating! And getting warm! Its beautiful outside!

Volcanic geysers! Very cool!

A float plane! To fly us to our lunching boat! :) and give us a view of everything from up high! :)

pretty.
Volcano.

Patrick in a thermal pool... its like 88 degree water. Nice and WARM! :)

More Geysers!

Thermal pool... BUT not for swimming! Its like 400 degrees... ouch! The cute lady is boiling corn on the cob! LOL!

At our Hotel. It was so beautiful.

Hotel grounds.

Hiking!

New Zealand was amazing and soooo much fun. I feel so blessed we get to go on these trips. :) And grateful to my husband for all his hard work that makes it possible. :) LOVE you babe.

Lauren

The Kids

So this year for family pics I told Jack they could take some silly pictures. BUT of course I still had to get all the usual cute ones. Love my babies, but WHY do they grow so fast!?! Craziness.