*Changes*

Reading all my previous blogs and comparing it to the one i just posted few mins ago totally made me realise how much i've changed. definitely for the better. =)

Self-actualisation and maturity ftw!

About time for Updates!

Woah, it's been a long while since i last posted. One of my resolutions for 2010 was to write in blog regularly to express my opinions, write stories, songs and updates so that I can look back to remember and reflect on what the year has been like. =)

So first, updates!

Finally graduated in Dec with a Bachelor of Science in Applied Psychology with 2nd class honours. Yay, it's finally done with! Am happy bout tt, but kinda disappointed tt i didn't get first class instead. Some modules pulled my overall grades down so ended up with 2nd, oh well, better than 3rd or even nothing at all. Love my cert and it's been added to my personal folder kept together with other certs, awards, accomplishments, cards, letters from since i was 5, pix etc. I love this bunch of things collected in this folder cos it's a lifetime of keepsakes and little reminders along the way. Will dedicate a blog post specially for this folder soon!! (Transmit reminder to brain)

So, in Feb 2010, I got a job (thanks to mama for introducing). I joined Family Life Society as a Programme Executive. Just a brief description of FLS. Basically it's a counselling and education centre with focus on the family. Am in the Education Dept so what we do is coordinate and facilitate workshops for students, parents and staff in schools under the SFE programme as well as workshops for parishes too. I chose to work here since I wanna undertake Masters in Counselling youth and kids (lest anything changes in 1 year). So thought further exposure to kids (in addition to teaching previously) would be useful and beneficial for my understanding. I enjoy work thus far and find it enriching and fulfilling. It is satisfying after organising a programme which you know/witness participants benefiting from it. =) Plan to dedicate a year or so in this line before studying again.

Besides work wise, I've gotten my bike license and am a proud owner of a Matt Black Vespa. =)) Unfortunately though after a year, am gonna scrap it. Yes i know, whhhhhatttt right! Several reasons to this. 1) COE is expiring in Sept and to renew it costs close to $1k. Money is one thing and another is that i doubt the bike could last another 10 years. It works perfect now but u really never know how the condition would be like after few more years 2) I wanna try something new. I wanna ride a KR or SP (yes yes i know a lil mattish.. but i love sports bikes. Oh maybe i can takeover baby's Aprillia) 3) I need to save money. Save on wedding (future), education, car so don't think it's worth it to spend on a bike. 4) I don't really ride the bike anyway. Due to traffic conditions ard the workplace being too heavy, mostly ride on weekends or ard the East areas. So there you go.. solid reasons why i've decided to put the bike to scrap (or maybe excuses to convince myself so that i won't be too sad to let go of the bike). heh.

Random updates: i LOVE movies and tv shows!!! Most recently watched quite a few films including Clash of the Titans, Dear John, Hachiko, Shutter Island, Law Abiding Citizen, Shrek 3, Brothers and much much more. Tv shows include Gossip Girl, How i met your mother, 90210, 10 Things I hate about you, Glee, Heroes, Grey's Anatomy, Weeds etc etc. Am so happy to be kept updated with the most recent released episodes (special thanks to my brothers a.k.a baby boys). I will need to write reviews/commentaries on each of the shows too. Speaking of which I should really continue writing stories and songs, yes I've been doing it in awhile. (See previous posts)

Okay, enough updates for now! Will definitely be back. See u soon territory.

xxx

My Mosaic

This is a collage which represents who I am and the things that surround me. It includes (from left to right), my name::my favourite colour::favourite food::favourite drink::dream vacation::hobby::future occupation::most important thing::a word tt describes me.

hehe see if u can guess what the pix mean!

::Irreplaceable::

to the left
to the left
to the left to the left

everything you own in the box to the left
in the closet, yes thats my stuff
yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)
and keep on talking that mess, thats fine
could you walk and talk, at the same time?
and- its my name thats on that bag
so go move your bags, let me call you a cab

standing in the front yard, telling me
how I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a man like you
you got me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so go ahead and get grown
call up that chick, and see if shes home
oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
what did you think
I was putting you out for?
because you was untrue
rolling around in the car that I bought you
baby, drop them keys
hurry up, before your taxi leaves

standing in the front yard, telling me
how I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
how I'll never ever find a man like you
you got me twisted

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

so since I'm not your everything
how about I be nothing? nothing at all to you
baby i won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the left to the left
to the left to the left
mmmmmmmm
to the left to the left
everything you own in the box to left
to the left to the left
don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'

you must not know 'bout me
you must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
you can pack all your things- we're finished
cause you made your bed now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
you're irreplaceable

i think this song speaks for itself.. hee. love it. anyway, its been so long since i last blogged. not tt i didnt want to or had no access to the internet. jus more comfy blogging from my lappy den the main comp, more personal. n my lappy having trouble getting internet. but im using wireless now so decided to pop by here, before pple start thinking my blog is extinct. signing off.

::weird, strange, beautiful::

today is a day ill always remember, because of its funnily weird yet weirdly funny events. haha.

in the morning, i had to wake up at 6.45am to got to singapore post to renew my pdl which expired yesterday. wouldn't have been bothered with rushing out so early in the morning if not for the possibility of not being able to have my lesson but yet still have to pay for it. bummer, but knowing what a darl gordon is, it prob wouldn't have mattered. still, i had to do it anyway n i picked today to have a lack of sleep (not tt i needed it anyway since i didnt go for ladies nite last nite, for the first time in like mths, i missed it, damn) --> ok at this point i must divert a lil, to say tt what a bummer it was tt i missed it, not only last nite but last weekend as well. pretty fucked up cos had invites to the clinic and barfly and mos anniversary, sigh. i blame it on elvis! yes its all yr fault! go have fun in goa with the portugease gals while im stuck here missing what little fun singapore has to offer i.e ladies nite. down here already got portugease gal, not enuff ah. huh!

ok back to the story, so i wanted to wake up early to prepare breakfast with my mum, but my hand unusually clicks the snooze button three times till i was almost late. before, i had the pride to admit tt i wasn't one of those lazy peeps who presses the snooze button till they're late but now, i guess i can sadly say tt i've joined the vast majority. i blame it on the upcoming xmas hols and how busy it has kept me. ok aniwae, so i go to spore post and renew my pdl and meet my aunt serena who is such a darl. den had to take cab to comfort driving centre cos i was almost late. i blame it on spore post not opening earlier, n on elvis tt he's spoilt me into taking cabs on a daily basis. ok, im always blaming my follies on others, haha, hey at least i admit it rite. sorry la, too narcissitic can.

after the long tiring but fun 2hr driving lesson (so close to test, eeks), i head back to eunos mrt to wait for carol while she drags herself out of her house after enjoying ladies nite last nite, not fair. so she's late n while i was waiting, i noticed a commotion in front of me. a lady bout mid thirties dressed in some tshirt n sports shorts, being surrounded by caring or rather, kepoh singaporeans. apparently she was out of breath or something n they were giving her water, panadol, sweets n some ointment. an older woman, grandma age, was holding her by the arm n helping her to the mrt. there was another man also n i assumed it was her family or someone who knew her. den suddenly she screams at the man to go away n leave her alone n pushes the older woman aside. all this was happening jus a few feet away from me n i was quite shocked by the situation. den she walked off in a hurry, limping on one leg n the old woman ran after her. den some guy ran to the control to report the issue n as the officers walked past me, i heard them saying tt she was a conman, in this case, conwoman who cheats pple money n the man said, there's an old lady stranger whose with her. n tt was all the drama i was entertained with cos shortly after, carol called to say she was reaching in two mins. drama mama i tell u.

carol n i were in search of santarina costumes to dress up on xmas eve since we have a party to go to. as we rode on the escalator upwards towards the street, a woman with a convinced-she-was-right look, headed down at the same direction. she wanted to go down but was facing the wrong direction. at the same time tt we were bout to get off it, she almost put her foot on it n it could have resulted in a minor tragedy of head-smashing n tumbling down. carol saved the day by saying, "lady, wrong side, its the other way", tt was funny. at a mama shop, there was dis damn hot guy n he simultaneously looked at each of us, shld have said something more den jus stared at our awesomeness, boy, hee. we walked to concourse cos apparently her fren said there was a sexy santarina costume on the grd floor. after half hr, we only found cloaks of red things with hoods, we definitely didnt plan on becoming little red riding hood for halloween, let alone xmas.

we then wen to no 1 costume costume, spore's largest costume for rental and purchase. it was so cool, the shop was so huge, we were overwhelmed with racks n rack of over 5000 different costumes. picked up a few to try on but didnt find any tt i liked cos there wasn't any specific sexy ones tt i really loved. newae, carol said two santarinas wouldn't be as fun so fine, she'll get the spotlight this yr. its my turn next yr, look out for it!

so she was trying clothes n i was helping her get the sizes etc wen some guy randomly pokes his head in the dressing room while carol was half naked, we were so shocked tt for a moment we jus stared at him. apparently, he was a staff there n asked if we needed help n we said no in unison, like hello? she's half naked there can? n u so nonchalantly asks if u can help! there was this latex, polyester dress tt was really fabulous but the material was wearing out majorly n i wen to him to ask if there was a new one, the conversation wen like this..

me: urm, excuse me, do u have a new one to rent for this? this one like spoilt.
he: no, we only have tt, ok what..
me: how to wear it wen its like tearing off?
he: (matter-of-factly) just wear la, can what.
den he does the weirdest thing n peels of some polyester off the dress n places it on my hand. i stare at him dumbfounded n the only thing tt could possibly come out of me was "u crazy ah" n walked away to the dressing room where me n carol burst out laughing like fuck.

den he tells carol to come out so he can " accesorise her". of cos by this time, we were slightly disturbed by him yet it was funny n she wanted to check something else so she told him later. den wen i came back to him to say tt its time to accesorise her, he said, "she dont wan me to accesorise her mah," damn funny. owing to the crowd n lack of staff available to help, carol said "k la k la, help me k." haha n he asked what kind of look we wanted n i said, gothic n sexy n he said gothic n exotic n i was like yea ok whatever. n he puts on a devils headgear on carols head n we were like what?! i brushed it off, slightly irritated n told him to stop playing. den he got this fake foot with blood n grossness n chucked it at us n we were like, ok.. haha we were all laughing non stop like mad n he kept a straight face all the way. he might be a little off but he was such a darls in giving us entertainment while we shopped, tt was cool.

newae i told carol tt being in the shop brought us to another realm cos as i looked ard at both the staff n customers, i noticed their demeanour. possibly it was cos it was a costume shop which gave us the ability to have an occasional hideout from the harsh realities of the real world but everyone acted as if almost non-human, so calm n jus different n weird. mayb it was what drove poor jordon/salesguy to his mental state, but at least he's happy. this shop will definitely be one tt we visit regularly, not jus for its fantastic outfits but also for a lil comedy outside life. even if it costs bloody $140.

we had a quick lunch cos carol was rushed for work n my ice lemon tea can broke, the part tt allowed the opening. i blame carol, cos while i was being nice in opening her drink, she followed suit n broke mine, lol. den we headed to take a cab wen she realises tt her feet was filled with some red wax-like thing n it was all over her shoe. she blamed it on jordon n we laughed non-stop. while she was cleaning her shoe with a tissue n i was holding out an umbrella as it started drizzling, i noticed some massive movement behind her. a china man had pulled down his car window n was offering out a whole packet of tissue, the big one. i raised my eyebrows as if to question den i realised tt he was offering to help. we were already in laughing streaks at the time n as i pointed to her bout the man, we laughed even more. n she said no thanks. all the way the car passed us n even while it was almost out of sight, the man was still holding out the tissue to wan to help. it was a real sweet act n almost extinct in the self-centredness of most kiasu singaporeans. at the same time, it was a lil weird, ok really weird n we burst out even more.

in the cab, the driver saw tt we were fagging n gave us a lecture on the bad side of smoking n i told her tt the day doesnt get any weirder. he was so sweet n we were laughing non-stop while acknowledging his kind words n carol n i confirmed tt this was the most fun we had wen we were sober, like ever, den we realised tt it was sad, haha but it was damn funny la.

so tts the story of this eventful funny, weird, unforgettable day. haha im laughing as im writing this. hope it brought u a smile too. merry xmas in advance peeps! i've got a party coming up to go to, a white xmas one (yipee), don't ask, tell u more laterz!

marriage test

haha this is funny. not really my plan but for the long term, definitely. complete studies first. hmm so i am ready, but where's prince charming? sydney, wait for me! be there real soon, like 2 yrs! hee, n im coming home with my masters, not married to some guy in a chapel, like an impromptu thing. hee.

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

http://images.blogthings.com/whatsyouridealrelationshipquiz/marriage.jpg" height="100" width="100"> You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's">http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyouridealrelationshipquiz/">What's Your Ideal Relationship?

*Lucky Undies Colour (ooo so hot)

hee, ooo i love red undies n have quite a few.. hehe, guess this is accurate.
gals, find out yr lucky undies colour and guys take a hint, n find out for yr gf which is her colour and buy it!
http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourluckyunderwearquiz

Your Lucky Underwear Is Red

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself. You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed. When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world. So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

*Death Age Test (when will i die?)

hee not bad la..

You Will Die at Age 67

You're pretty average when it comes to how you live...And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

*IQ Test (how dumb can i be?)

damn it la, i always thought i was smarter than this, haha. o well, truth hurts. check it out yrselves guys Your IQ Is 80

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Above Average Your Mathematical Intelligence is Average Your General Knowledge is Below Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

leadership

a fren asked me to do this survey for her. decided to post it in here, just my opinion on leadership. feel free to share. cheers.

1. Describe the perfect leader ?
A perfect leader is one who motivates his/her own team members to work together as a team. He/she should be fair, and listen to all ideas proposed by his fellow team members and then use rationale and good judgment to make a decision.

2. Do you think it is a leader’s responsibility to create a strategy that will cause an organization to succeed?
It is the leader’s responsibility as much as it is the rest of the organization. The leader can only do so much but without the co-operation of his team members, there will be no success.

3. What are the important factors for organization success?
A good strategy weighing out profits and losses, a good co-operating team, a look into benefits for the long run, good interaction between leader and fellow team members.

4. What do you believe to be the characteristics of a leader? Name 3.
Motivated, fair, good judgment, listens to his fellow team members, respects others.

5. Do you think gender matters in a leadership role?
Definitely not. In this modern era, many women have been seen holding high managerial and presidential posts. I personally know some women who own and run their own company and are successful. Gender definitely does not play a part and if any, a woman usually does a better job because they are more organized, are fast thinkers, better co-ordinated and able to multi-task.

6. Do you think leadership experience matters?
Not always. A leader starts being a leader from scratch. If given a chance, anyone can be a leader if they have the right qualities. Experience does give you a better hold over things, though.

7. Emotional Quotient, Intelligent Quotient, Must leaders be intelligent?
Not necessarily. We see graduates coming out of the university and because they are so used to doing things under the book, they don’t really know how to handle hands-on situations. With a clear, efficient, fair and organized mind, one can already be a leader.

8. Can leadership be taught and/or learnt ?
It can be taught and learnt to a certain extent. Leadership skills workshops may help but they can only go so far. I believe that a real leader comes from within.

9. Are leaders born and bred ?
Some believe so just like Hitler. I feel that some really do have the gifted talent of leadership in them by chance but more so, through nurture. Genetically, you may have some genes/chromosomes that determine your intelligence but really, experience and exposure is more practical. You are more nurtured to be a leader as you grow and learn new skills rather than genetically having those skills.

10. In general, how do you describe the relationship you have with your leader?
The relationship I have with my leader is one where both respects each other and listens to each other for rationale and opinions.

11. Do managers and leaders function the same way?
Most of the time, it is similar.

12. What are the biggest benefits you or your organization gets from having a good leader?
Everything goes well, is more organized and efficient. The organization is also clear of the direction in which it is heading for and will strive towards it.

13. Does your leader share his or her visions with you ? If yes, are they clear? Do you know what is expected of you. If no, why not ?
Yes she does and it definitely paints a clear picture of what is expected.

14. Do you think there are differences in the way local and foreign leaders work? State the differences if applicable.
I think there are no distinct differences in local and foreign leaders. There are no generalization to this because both local and foreign leaders can be good or bad.

15. How can leadership be improved in your organization?
With monthly or weekly meetings where the leader explains to the team what is expected of them and what their plans are so that everybody is clear and aware of their goals and will work at their specific area to reach it.

::the sound of music::

whole day today i was busy preparing door gifts for my bdae party guests. wa, u guys r so gonna love them. spending so damn much to make sure everyone has fun, hee. by mid afternoon, got bored n started browsing thro youtube for old songs.

im so in love with the sound of music. julie andrews is just brilliant la. its a classic n not to be missed. my parents grew up with the movie, i grew up with the movie n i wanna make it a tradition for future generations in my family. its just so beautiful and so heartfelt. i can never get sick of watching it. hint hint, it'll be a good bdae gift for those still searching for something i like. haha. well i tried finding it myself but without much effort n i cant find it, but im sure its ard.

here's some l inks on the musical part of the movie, hope u guys enjoy it. just listen to one n im sure u'll be addicted, i know i still am. wee.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_AauRDMAAg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wciNai2q3iM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5gmAcahuDE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XybzoSMYDT4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRGSZBK-gK0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L88IFcvP5u4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEGw9s3wyg8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa7NH1NANSw

::i'm so legal, oh wait maybe not::

im finally 21! finally so very legal, hee den i discovered this sex shop in bugis village for 23 n above, damn, 2 more yrs. hate to be underaged for anything. im 21, wee. but at the same time, i miss being a teen, so carefree n without a damn care. o well, thats life rite? hee, tts y im gonna enjoy every single min of my life from now on, n hope to make a difference to pple i meet.

here's some birthday resolutions i made:
1) majorly lose weight (lost 5 already in a week, yup i just starved)
2) got to church every sunday (been keeping this one faithfully so far)
3) cut down on ciggies.
4) be more helpful n kind. (this may sound cliche but i really wanna be morally right from now on)

at 12am exactly, nov 4th 2006, i was at cheekies. just the right place to celebrate. been clubbing at cheekies since i was 14 n i always call it my hommie, where i grew up. its so surreal that 7 yrs ago, i was some kid exploring alcohol n its vices n now im 21 n still immersed in the joy of it, only difference more maturedly. mos requested for the d.j to wish me n it was a minute tt i just took in within myself. it was so scary for a moment, tt now im an adult n had responsibilities. for those who know me, im basically very sheltered by my mum n totally depended on her. the second i turned 21, i knew i had to be independent. hee. mos ensured tt i got wasted tt day n i had a waterfall. it was so cool, just wen my straw burned, i finished it. n even blew off the flame at the top. what an extraordinary bdae cake. i then had jugs of bourbon coke n didnt get so wasted after all. actually, i was controlling myself like mad, cos i wanted to enjoy every single min of my legal rights of being 21. hee.

talking bout legal rights, my mum got me 2 credit cards n a diamond ring frorm sk jewellery, its so beautiful. n i got this shot glass from nisha saying, "booze is what keeps me looking beautiful", thats like so sweet la, n a necklace from leona n a handbook for naughty ladies, n an overall from keith n makeup from karl. oh ya n $100 from my aunt n a few other things. will post up pics soon.

more prezzies coming on the 24th, thats when ill be celebrating my bdae. yea i know its 3 weeks after the actual, reason being the chalets were fully booked n i was having exams at the time. oh well, i know im gonna have a blast n for those who r coming, i truly appreciate it. for all those who have other things to do n cant, go screw yrself cos u'll be missing out on the party of the yr! hee. well, ill be expecting bout 100 pple to turn up, confirmed as of today. so fun! been so busy preparing for it.

see u guys real soon n we'll have a blast!!! wee.

::"goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend"::

here's a story i wrote just recently. enjoy. its called "goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend".

andrea met chris 2 weeks ago at a mutual friends bdae party. majorly intoxicated with alcohol, andrea perceived everything positive about chris. for a first impression, he was perfect. after the party, they both hanged out at the beach n it was a magical moment for andrea. they talked, laughed n seemed as one, according to andrea. andrea was a lil skeptical though, could this guy really be so perfect? she had been thro several heartaches previously including a sexual assault n she wasnt sure if she was ready to love again. but chris seemed perfect, something so sweet tt would never ever be able to hurt an ant, let alone her. little did she know, that her perception was gonna change her life.

chris had a sort of charisma about him n andrea fell hopelessly in love with him even tho she did not show this directly. chris was attracted to her n initiated a few kisses while andrea looked in his eyes for love and sincerity. she saw it n relented. however, the joy was short-lived. he soon tells her tt being with him would hurt her n she laughed thinking tt how could this seemingly perfect guy ever hurt me. n then he said it. he was married. andrea was stunned. she had enough of r/s with married guys. it all had one outcome only. once, this married guy slapped his wife in front of andrea to prove his sincerity to her but andrea was more disgusted then comforted. another ended off when andrea saw photos of the man's son, it hurt her to much to break the child's heart. so faced with the news of chris being an unattainable man, andrea was taken aback. all her perceptions crashed on the floor between them n her eyes showed sadness for having just lost a perfect man.

as much as she was attracted to chris, she knew to carry on was morally wrong n she didnt attempt to make the first move. he on the other hand kept calling n contacting her, sayin tt his r/s with his wife is nothing of value n he is only with her cos of the kids. andrea pitied him n thought tt life for him was difficult n problematic. he was always saying tt his life was complicated n bad things always happened to him. even tho he always had a smile on his face n rarely would be seen angry, he had a kind of sadness in his eyes. andrea saw tt n her heart broke for him. she didnt want such a perfect man to be broken n sad n she tried in every way to make him happy. even tho she liked him deeply, she made no attempt to pursue the r/s cos she knows it would only hurt the kids n they need their dad. andrea understood tt, she had lost her father thro death at a young age n coping with it was enough to break her very self. a few days after, chris initiated to meet at a frens place, mike. mike is a really intelligent chap who should really believe more in himself to succeed. andrea believed in him rightaway, he had so much passion excuding from him, but he hardly took notice of it. he thought of himself as a failure n lacked motivation. andrea wanted to give him tt, it was the least she could do for another human being trying to survive in this harsh world. so the whole night, chris, mike and andrea chatted about life n things tt matter n for andrea, it was one of those conversations tt she would remember for the rest of her life. it was in a totally different realm, something even she never knew existed n immediately she concluded tt chris n mike were two special pple she would always wanna keep as frens.

the best part about chris is that unlike other guys who immediately try to take advantage of andrea sexually, chris was totally opposite. he made her feel good on an emotional n mental level which was even more worthy than physical pleasure. andrea didnt wan physical pleasure from him, she was more than happy to be at peace with herself by just hearing him speck so intellectually. that was more important to her. andrea always wanted a man who can challenge her thoughts and increase her knowledge. she wanted a r/s such tt both would grow spiritually and mentally together. having chris by her side was just too good to be true n she was even filled with envy for the wife, for a moment which she guiltily suppressed immediately. up till tt time, andrea never once initiated tt chris divorce his wife, start a r/s with her, ask him what their status is n any questions related to where she n chris was leading to. she merely wanted to enjoy every single moment with him cos she knows tt its shortlived. it was like carpe diem n she wanted to live for the moment, life was too short for anything else. whenever they met, chris would try to kiss, hug or hold andrea's hand but andrea would move slightly away. den she would return back to him to carry on what he started. it was an approach avoidance conflict tt she had, as much as she wanted to pursue it, she knew it was wrong but not reciprocating would be against her true emotions and would also leave him hurt. she didnt mean any harm, it was all very fast n he was all she thought about in her waking hours.

then, passion got the better of her n after a nite too many drinks, she went to his workplace n acted intimately with him in front of his collegues. this got him in the trouble n he was fired immediately for irresponsibility and other reasons. andrea didnt know this n was wondering y chris was ignoring her. it was so unusual for a day to pass without his msgs or calls. she felt empty n void, no life was in her face. she wondered n could only vaguely remember making a scene at his workplace. andrea knew tt being intoxicated was not an excuse but she couldnt even remember what she did. she just followed her heart, which in this context, was wrong. shortly after, the wife becomes suspicious n msgs andrea in a threatening-like manner. andrea took it upon herself, after all, it was her fault n the wife had every right to be angry. andrea assured her tt nothing was going on n swore to herself to keep it tt way. she was gonna stop liking chris at tt very minute. jane, andrea's sister saw immediately a face of extreme sadness in her sister's face n grabbed the phone to find out more. she read the msgs n was pissed n immediately called chris n fucked him up n asked him not to contact andrea anymore. andrea was helpless, she tried reaching for the phone n even calling chris after tt but jane warned her against it. jane then talked to the wife about it, saying tt her husband is the one she should deal with n not andrea etc etc. jane told the wife tt chris had said tt the wife was a tyrant who controlled him too much n many other hurtful things that even andrea was surprised to even see coming out. the wife then suggested to meet up to clear things up once n for all so she could decide whether to leave her husband.

jane persuaded andrea to meet up with the wife but andrea was against it. if she met up with him, she would have to be honest n even tho chris n she wasnt having a r/s, they still shared intimate moments together. andrea felt tt the least respect she should give chris was to shut up about it. otherwise, it would make him lose 4 very special pple in his life, his family. andrea believed tt one person's hurt was nothing compared to 5 people's anguish, hurt, disappointment n suffering. she didnt want to do tt. andrea would never wan to consciously hurt chris in any way possible. he was too special to her. jane thought otherwise n was even told by the wife tt chris said andrea was a "psych bitch who wants to get fresh with me". when andrea heard tt, she couldnt control her tears, she didnt believe chris would ever say anything like tt. she never ever for one second believed it, but the wife confirmed it. andrea did not feel angry or any hatred for chris even after this info. she still thought of him as perfect n wanted to help calm his r/s with his wife.

andrea talked to mike later on only to find tt according to him, chris had no attraction whatsoever to andrea. that blew her off right away but maybe it was for the better. but wait, if there was no attraction what was the past 2 weeks? a total lie? what were the msgs, kisses n hugs about? the serious face tt was filled with sincerity? was tt a lie too? mike later then said tt "3 of us have the tendency to be manipulative cos of our psychology background" n andrea was so hurt by tt. what was he saying? tt she wanted all this to happen? tt she systematically planned everything out so tt the wife would find out about them? tt she consciously would hurt chris in any way? tt was it, if only mike knew how broken she was now tt chris was broken. if only he knew tt she would give anything to make him whole again. but sometimes u just have no control over perceptions. of cos andrea was viewed as the bitch, the home-wrecker n tho mike was objective in his views, he still supported his best fren n wife. andrea doesnt blame him, he was a good fren, she knew from before.

andrea cries for the loss of chris, knowing tt too much had happened for them to even have a friendship. it was too late, it was over. she listens to stacie oricco's "i'm not missing u" over n over to convince herself tt she doesnt miss him but her heart outdo her mind. tts the thing bout her. she should never allow love/lust/infatuation/arousal/passion to have an effect on her. her grades have been falling, she absents herself from work n acts irresponsibly, something never in andrea's personality. maybe she should remove the hormones responsible for arousal, only then success for her would be certain. she must stop herself from loving again. she doesnt want love with another man, the only love she is content with is family love. it was all she needed to live. she lost part of herself after losing chris but she wishes him the best of luck with his family n life. she remembered tt if u love someone, u have to let them go. n maybe, just maybe for a moment, she believed she did love him.

updates!

it's been a long long time since i updated. so many things happened!!! kk, if i were to talk bout what happened since last week, it would take too much space n way too much time. so back to todae den.

todae before work, wen to post in my cheque n collect counselling bk from sharin. thanks gal. den wen to photocopy 3 copies of emi tb. den wen to work n stuck outside again. im so sick of tt. farq i need the key mann. after work met brian for dinner. wen to east coast to have our favourite ikan bakar. i never get sick of it. had ikan bakar, satay (i luv babat), chicken wings n kangkong. den there was this malay gal with her guy. she kept staring at me like prob thinking i am malay n y i was happily eating while they were waiting to break fast. farq man, she got me so pissed tt i really wanted to go to her n show her my ic. it states eurasian u bitch, definitely not malay. den i thot hmm ok lets wait for a dog to come close to me den i can majorly kiss its nose, which would den prove alot. so sick, she stared so obviously. farq la, "didnt u notice my eurasian features, u farqing bitch!!!" i so dont have eyes n a face like yrs.

so newae, tmrw is fridae n so many pple are leaving. firstly, my mum is going to thailand for a company trip, gonna miss my mama. boohoo. n brian has to take his BMT for two mths. he's gonna miss my birthday n birthdae party, how sad is tt. but of cos army comes first n i dont blame him. we can always celebrate my belated bdae wen he comes back. sigh. gonna miss u darls. n of cos my bestie/bro who will be going to india for "3 mths", missing my bdae n leaving me all alone to handle my party. so sad. u better check for return air flights the moment u reach there. n my aunt n uncle r going thailand as well. everyone's leaving, me gonna be all alone. *sad*

well, prob this is the time i can catch up on my essay n finish it asap den concentrate on making more bdae preparations. thanks guys for rsvp-ing so early. really appreciate yr enthusiasm in celebrating my bdae with me. wee!

kk, me gonna do a lil housework n gonna watch prison break. hope to update real soon.

::Party Of The Year:: (not to be missed)

woo hoo, my birthday is coming up real soon. so exciting! it's 4th nov but celebrating on 24th nov. it's a date to remember!
party details are as follows.

::Laura's 21st Birthday Party::
date: 24th nov, friday
venue: aloha changi, fairy point chalet 2
time: 5pm onwards till late
theme: "feeling retro with checkers"

**Party to rnb and hip hop all night long with special guest dj, playing non-stop rnb hits from old school to popular grooves.
**Enjoy free flow of alcohol all night long, n get high with me!
**Also, great food to indulge in.
**All are welcomed to stayover on thurs 23rd nov n fri 24th nov.

the party's gonna be smashing and wild. come support me on my special day! wee.

rsvp by 2nd week of october thro friendster or hp! thks guys n hope to see u there. get groovy with me.

p.s the theme as u can see is basically retro. for gals, u can wear large hoop earrings, polka dot prints, big hairdos, sashes. for guys, think john travolta in greece, flared shirts, bell bottoms, elvis presly etc..
for checkers, basically have both black and white in your outfit. simple right? those dressed according to theme will receive goodie bags and the best dressed will of cos be picked by me n will receive a special prize!

::Gift List::

in case, you guys are wondering what to get to make my birthday an awesome one, here are some things that i like. = )

1. Games: oujia board, kama sutra etc. [plaza sing, 3rd level]
2. Kinky stuff: thongs, scented gel, lingerie, bikini. [condom shops, bikini shop]
3. Cutsie stuff: princess pillows, stuffed toys, roses. [precious thots, card n such]
4. Significant "21st birthday" items. (bear with 21st bdae sign, legal signs, creative & sexy stuff)
5. Alcohol: jim beam, jack daniels, chivas, johnie walker.
6. Perfume: bvlgari notte for women, paris hilton perfume.

last but not least, if you guys are in a dilemma or what to get or rushed for time (not an excuse), pls just give me money (haha not shy), at least, i can fulfil my wish list (see below), get the specific things that i want & cover up for party costs. really, money will be the most beneficial gift, objectively speaking.

7. $$$ money $$$, lots of it. (for car expenses, living expenses, smoking fund)

::cheekies n mos::

i went to cheekies with el in the end last nite. ladies nite n got high like so quicky. den had to go toilet to puke cos usually i dont eat before clubbing cos ill feel so bloated. after tt, continued drinking like mad. met so many peeps n old frens there. kept dancing even to techno n bon jovi, at this point i was on cloud 9 already. den met this guy who apparently knows me from the club, didnt remember him but just talked to be polite. introduced his fren harvy whom was more able to connect with. we were talking bout psychology n stuff n the subject being my passion, i was so interested in the conversation. so got high some more, n den went part two to mos.

mos is as usual very fun. most of the pple from cheekies wen there so its like we brought the party with us. before i could settle down n look for familiar faces, this bartender asked me to fill up this tourist thingy. personal particulars plus why i like mos. i was totally high/drunk at this point n i was actually consciously looking at my own hand writing as if beyond my control. really, i dont even know how i managed to write so nicely tt mos is different cos it caters to different pple's taste in music n tts y its hot! only after i was done, den i realised tt hey, its meant for tourists, how come he asked me to write. oh well, once in a while, its good to be recognised as a tourist n enjoy the respect tt comes along with the impression.

found a spot to settle down near the bar n saw nicole n mel dancing in front of me. hugged them n chatted a lil. harvy n the other guy also joined us n we danced happily. ok not we actually, just me. cos el found a partner khaki in harvy, they both don't dance. hehe. den saw kyle, stephanie, chormun on my right. danced with them for awhile n talked a lil. kyle was so drunk, followed him outside cos he wanted to puke. by the time we wanted to go back in, the club was closing den cant enter n had to find el n all cos my bag with them. finally found dem, k at this point i must say i dont know what i was doing. all this is just rough sketches of what happened. was so freaking high. den saw cassie n hugged her, n harvy drove us all home. i was so high tt i didnt realise he was high too n it was so dangerous. dropped ravin off at desire for part three while the rest of us wen home. thanks harvy, ur so sweet to send us all home even tho u stay in ponggol. sweet. den came home at 6.30 n slept.

this morning woke up late n was still really high from last nite n couldnt go work. talked on the phone with el n brian a while den slept again. woke up at 5.30 to watch my chinese show den watched singapore idol. im so happy hady got into the finals. pls vote for him. the fact tt hady n jonathan r both in the finals kinda forms a replica of taufik n sylvester in last season's finals. hopefully same fate occurs again n hady will win. wee. gonna read my book, pack bag for tmrw n sleep!!!! need all the rest i can get. darls booking out tmrw. cant wait for our dinner date n mayb a lil of chevy he he. wee.

::hottie::

wee. k first things first. im so not getting enough rest. what with working, studying and clubbing in my weekly routine, sigh. from getting comments to "wa looking so fresh everyday" and "yr life is great la, just slack", now im getting things like "hey u really look tired with eyebags and all and i even got nicknamed panda. sigh.

dont even have my own time to blog properly, club to the fullest, read or even spend some quiet time for myself. ya la what to do, have so many things to fulfil on my wish list tt i cant just slack anymore, sigh. its actually not too bad la, i just have to not stay awake everydae till 3.30am and only have less den 5 hrs of sleep, but rather i should sleep at ten everydae. ya rite. how exciting can my life get with tt. sigh. k k enough of whining.

todae, sch was xtra fun. met this really hot guy who was smoking outside sch n he's so cute can. n raj, paro n basically the whole class kept saying he's not hot but hey, u guys just dont wanna admit rite. haha. so newae, it was made very obvious to him la cos my frens practically said in front of him, "so tt's the one u like, not handsome la laura." sigh, HE IS CUTE! n he has this shy thing going on which is so cute too. n duff was like making things more obvious by smiling at both of us simultaneously, like what's with the indiscreet behaviour. sheesh, was like blushing all the way can. hmm.. well, i dont know whats the next step. im too shy to talk to him, even tho todae most of the time we were like just metres apart. sigh, so near yet so far. haha, elvis says sounds like a puppy love, but whatever it is, it makes me feel good again, somehow. haha, it could just b infatuation or some sort but who cares. bottom line, i get what i want. hee. better not say too soon. sigh.

had dinner with el todae at paya lebar, the food variety was so good n we were spoilt for choice. in the end he had mee rebus n i had tahu bakar n we shared satay, so shiok but nothing beats the one at east coast can. hee. yea n thinking bout clubbing tonite at cheekies, its the weekly thing n i really do feel empty without it. sigh, but im kinda tired n tmrw have to go nus to do research, so dont know if i should go. hmm.. o well, at ten we'll decide n c how. i miss u cheekies!

hee, alrights, gonna continue reading my book, so addicted to it can. haha.

::online diary?for real?::

ok, never intended to turn my blog into an online daily diary thing, always wanted to just post highlights of my life n things to ponder on. but elvis said i should so ok ill try. not that my life is bursting with excitement. sigh. hmm ok, so let's start from todae. todae after sleeping only at 3.30am cos watching monster house, i finally slept. n before i know it, the irritating alarm rings. sigh. sch timing changed to ten but i forgot so i rushed like mad to reach by 9.30 only to realise im damn early can. had smoke with raj (thks for the book) den class started. todae's module is psychotherapy and counselling with mr naidu and each of us had to practise roleplay with our partner. sigh, im always so shy in crowds but with frens i can be open like anything. haha, so there i was smiling, laughing n all. not tt i dont take it seriously, just cant get into the actor mood can, not tt im good at lying anyway. sigh. so yea, after class had lunch with paro and raj. i miss paro, after so long, den she turn up but at least get to c her again. den we had western food (chicken chop with spaghetti), i have such a fetish for western food these days, must be influence from the katong village stall. its so good can. k divert a lil to describe the mouth-watering chicken chop there. located beside 57 chevy, is this stall which sells western food only and u can substitute yr fries with this rice with shrimp and mushroom thingy and have it with belacan. so good can, really its not yr typical chicken chop in any other coffeeshop. this is to die for. hee. k back to today, so after lunch had to rush to work. doing this part time admin job thingy, for extra cash to fulfil my wish list (see below). was 15 mins late but hey, considering i spent half hr xtra there yesterdae, tt should cover up for todae rite. hee. was damn sleepy at work todae, practically closing my eyes, sigh. den wen home, fully engrossed in this book tt i just borrowed from the library. "every boy's got one" by meg cabot. some love story thing but what makes it super interesting is tt she has a different writing technique. she writes her story in the form of cartoons, emails sent by the characters, n even pages of receipts from the purchases of the main character. haha so cool, just now i was reading the dinner menu on the flight tt the main character, jane was on and the food sounds so good can. pasta n all. sigh ya rite like tt happens. ok so reached home n trying this new excercise routine where i climb up n down the whole block of flights three times daily. hopefully in two mths by my bdae, ill change from gorgeous to stunning (right el? hee). but seriously to me, gorgeous sounds more appealing den stunning but acc to el, its opposite so yea. so yea, me gonna watch part two of monster house. its so cute, have this thing for animation and cartoons, its rather smart. ill update soon if my life gets any more interesting. haha, ya rite.

::wish list::

1) buy motorola v3x
2) get a new tattoo --> scorpion on my back
3) get my driving license (halfway)
4) lose weight
5) plan a fabulous 21st birthday party. wee. (planning)
6) save lotsa cash $$$
7) take mandarin classes
8) study & work at the same time [done]
9) shop for new clothes!
10) buy more clothes for geensie.
11) cut down on ciggies
12) get the GO atm card, with signature [done]
13) plan on new yr eve's celebration
14) save money for xmas pressies.
15) party at mos (done) --> so cool!
16) have a second nose piercing & re-pierce eyebrow

.all tt i feel.

trauma.betrayal.lost.dirty.angry.
scared.sad.stupid.lame.imperfect.
wrong.unknown.confused.guilty.hurt.
shocked.fucked.damned.gloomy.moody.
fear.paranoid.disgusted.sick.bruised.
spoilt.touched.violated.empty.wronged.
constricted.worried.violent.mad.disturbed.
nightmares.no,trust.no,control.tarnished.sorry.

..............................dots.....................................

my life analysis

~i just broke up with brian. several reasons to this. from the start, i knew we were two extremes. in terms of maturity level, education, family background, ideals in life, socially etc, we're miles apart. despite knowing all this, i gave my heart into the relationship 100% until this year when i started to view my life more seriously. then, we slowly drifted apart, and i admit to infidelity a few times. all the while, i stuck with him thinking tt all guys are bastards n will never fail to cheat their gal, all except brian. tt much i gave to him. to me brian=loyalty n if he was the only one who could assure me tt there was noone else, he is who i wanna be with till the end. to my shock, i found out he was secretly in contact with certain gals n exchanging msgs of affection. this may not equal to the times i cheated on him, but to me, it was cheating enough. i never accept anything below perfection. i'm not angry, neither am i sad. all i feel is betrayed and i blame myself for trusting. in this one and a half yrs with him, i've accomplished and learnt quite a few things.

1)i helped made another person's life more colourful (whole new perspective).
2)i know now that all guys are bastards (yes, including him).
3)i learn who i am and my goals in life (see below)
4)i realise i want to be single for a long time to come (at least till after degree).
5)gals should stick together no matter what (the guy is always wrong, sorry to those gals).
6)i deserve someone better.

~in assessing and analysing our relationship, i discovered what some of the traits i want my guy to possess are. i know it's almost impossible. but this is the ideal one mapped out in my mind. i may settle for someone slightly less, but never extremely majorly less. here are some things of my ideal man.

1)To view education as important either for the benefits or for personal satisfaction.
2)To be earning either closely or slightly similarly to me in future.
3)To be a family man who adores his parents & siblings and will never put them in second place.
4)To be loyal and never cheat.
5)To be honest in whatever he does.
6)To share and have similar ideals in life.
7)To be courteous and have good social etiquette.
8)To be able to connect intellectually and maturedly.
9)To exchange and share important things in life with each other so tt we both grow together.

~i've also figured out the direction in my life. currently taking my degree in psychology followed by masters in aussie. also taking my driving license. taking one step at a time. slowly, but surely i'll get there. here are some of my lifelong dreams.

1)To be a successful psychologist specialising in child psychology.
2)To attain the highest education standard (PHD) and to be recognised as Dr. Laura J.
3)To write and publish a book.
4)To travel to every part of the world.
5)To start an organaisation called, specialising in helping females suffering from mental illnesses. 6)To continually upgrade myself by taking courses such as dance, pottery, languages anually.

it's my dream to fulfil all these that i want for in my life and i'll do anything possible within my means to attain my goals. cheers and hope u guys achieve yr goals too.

Self Concept

i was doing research for my social psyche, regarding self concept and i came across these inspiring quotes to ponder on. really remarkable and so refreshing, its like adding a new dimension to what you know. enjoy...

It has become something of a cliche to observe that if we do not love ourselves, we cannot love anyone else. This is true enough, but it is only part of the picture. If we do not love ourselves, it is almost impossible to believe fully that we are loved by someone else. It is almost impossible to accept love. No matter what our partner does to show that he cares, we do not experience the devotion as convincing because we do not feel lovable to ourselves.
~~Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Romantic Love

In order to get at any truth about myself, I must have contact with another person. The other is indispensable to my own existence, as well as to my knowledge about myself.
~~Jean Paul Sartre

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child live with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
~~Dorothy Law Nolte, Children Learn What They Live

I am not what I think I am.
I am not what you think I am.
I am what I think you think I am.
~~Aaron Bleiberg & Harry Leubling

Self love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.
~~Shakespeare, King Henry V

"One day, a man was travelling when his car tyre goes flat on a dark and lonely country road. When he discovers that he doesn't have a jack, he recalls seeing a farm house about a mile back. And so he start to walk there in hopes of borrowing one. While he is walking, he talks to himself about his situation. "Wow, I'm really stranded here. The guy will probably want a few dollars for his jack. Why should he lend it for nothing? Everyone wants to make a few bucks. A few bucks! If I don't get the jack, I'll never get out of here. He'll realise that, and probably want fifteen dollars, maybe twenty-five dollars. Twenty-five dollars? This guy's really got me by the old cashews. He'll ask fifty dollars for sure - maybe a hundred!" Well, he goes on in this way until he reaches the farm house. He knocks at the door. An elderly farmer answers and with a cheerful smile asks, "Is there something I can do for you, young man?" "Do for me? Do for me?" says the man, "I'll tell you what you can do, you can take your goddamn jack and shove it!"................
If in this case, you predict that you will not be lent a jack in a spirit of gracious cooperation, you prepare yourself for the confrontation in such a way that you guarantee the jack will n ot be lent in a spirit of gracious cooperation. Your prediction is transformed into a fact, which then becomes the reality.
~~Neil Postman, Crazy Talk, Stupid Talk

love, lust and such

[[You fall in and out of love so easily. Could it be because you often mistake infatuation for the real thing? Resist being impulsive when it comes to love and take your time to know the guy. Your love match: Someone who is patient and can tolerate your erratic behavior.]]

haha, now that was some stuff on friendster to define what kind of love i am. well, i guess i would agree with it more or less. i tend to fall in love pretty easily thinking that every guy i meet and who is interested may be the one. kinda dumb, and ya i know ur thinking naive jess, haiz, but well i've changed. kinda on rocky terms with him right now. i need a break off from the relationship to "reevaluate where we stand" [My Super Ex-Girlfriend]. haha, ya actually i really do need someone who is patient enough to tolerate me and my weirdness. haha, i always think tt there can never be someone who can stand all my crap but i realised everyone feels the same way. but seriously. oh and y are all guys jerks? they're always involved in some form of infidelity in their life. can't they for once use their head up there instead of down there to think? seriously, for once guys.. do something bout tt head taking over all the time. for now, i just wanna be alone for awhile, its really inspiring to sometimes catch up with yourself, it's healthy too. i soo wanna just concentrate on sch n be free to party without having to care bout his worries n all the guilt i feel. freedom is what i want. haha, its funny how the word freedom is the cause of most of life's problems. oh well, we never die as virgins cos life fucks us all.

ambassodor for smiles 2006

i finally learn how to post pictures. haiz, blame me for being non-IT-savvy, yea shoot me. anyways, this is the pic i posted to singapore smiles 2006. its a smile ambassador thingy. n they accepted me! woohoo, if i win, i get a trip for two. quit getting close to me so u can come for the trip cos im going with my mummy, i.e if i win. lol. k go n be mesmerised by my smile, if it makes u cum. wee.

oh i like that.

narcissitic self, woohoo.

evolution of alcohol

in the past, people usually included alcohol in functions, social gatherings, celebrations and more seen as a guy thing. now, in modern perspective, i must say that more girls get intoxicated on a daily basis compared to guys. y is this need for intoxication? y the thought of drinking the moment u get up? the energies drawn to every wed for ladies nite and the weekend for parties? habit or conditioning? probably both. the theory of conditioning states that we tend to do something repeatedly if there is desired consequences for the behaviour and vice versa. so what is the positive reward tt we get from getting sloshed weekly? some would say its a form of destress, some say to rekindle friendship, some say they love to dance, some just love the alcohol, some want the attention, while some look for a one-nite stand. in a place like cheekies where everyone knows everyone, i think there's pros and cons in tt. on one hand, u can be there alone n almost everyone would greet u and invite u to join their table, plus on yr drunk nites, there are those who make sure ur alright while tt looney guy touching u all over attempts to "bring u home". dream on suckers, its being in a familiar place like cheekies n all yr homies, tt makes u almost never make a mistake, like going home with some f*cked up dick. on the other hand, there's a saying that familiarity breeds danger. wen pple are familiar n comfortable with seeing u weekly, they think they know u n form perceptions bout u, be it false or true. these info spreads like fire throughout the regulars n before u know it, u seem to have too much info for comfort bout some redundant guy or gal, or tt some stranger already knows where u live. tts the bad thing bout familiarity, in clubs esp, cos once u are judged, theres no removing the perception. for e.g, if ur known for coming to the club n leaving with tom, dick and harry respectively on three nights a week, ur termed a slut and u'll remain a labelled slut for the rest of ur god-forsaken lives. haha, tts y, be careful peeps cos u make an impression at every move and there's no changing it once its built up. i've been a regular for seven years at cheekies n i enjoy every nite i spend there. i love the pple working there too n we have become gd frens over the years, tt explains special treatments, free entries, cherries anytime, etc. haha, i love it and it'll always be my homeground.

c u tmrw cheekies. = )

all that i feel... "unfaithful"

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late

I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this Anymore

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer.

enough said, all that i am, a murderer.

phenomenal life

today, i held a heaven sent gift. she was the most beautiful baby in her mother's eyes and a bundle of joy she was. it was so phenomenal carrying a life form in my arms as she becomes aware of her surroundings. such innocence in such a sinful world, how ironic. but till then, i hope she is kept safe & with none of life's burdens.

on another note, is the concept of original sin that we all carry from the time we are released from the placenta or was it when conception occured? this original sin marks a distinction between humanity and divinity and is where sin first evolves. its sad but true and inevitable that a baby with no fault already carries the original sin but i guess that's how the world works. the original sin theory evolved from the moment adam and eve satisfied their curiousity and crossed the boundaries and thus woman has to carry the pains of child birth while man has to labour to survive.

another ironic thing is that from the moment birth occurs, death is also celebrated. our birth initiates the journey towards death which is really contradictory. its as if we are born to die, a vicious cycle that is cruel yet a must in life. what's life purpose? there are several perceptions of it. some believe that ultimate satisfaction in terms of material well-being is the basis of life. while others believe as long as they are happy and in good health, they are satisfied. n others believe that life is a test from god of how worthy u are to enjoy heavenly rewards in our afterlife. whatever, it is that u believe, live life to the fullest. live as if every day was your last. we take it for granted that we have another chance to say things to pple we love and do the things we love to do. what we don't realise and comprehend is that life can just end with a snap of the fingers. then it will be too late. how do u want to be remembered? will your memory be carved in people's hearts till the end? i hope u make an impression. that's why, every morning when i wake, i thank god for giving me life and i never fail to say "i love you" to the people i love cos i'll never know when it would be the last.

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
-Josh Billings-

haha, does this apply to guys as well?
hope not. oops, lol.

me, myself and i

alcohol & fags, the vices of life.
how nice, they turn me on.
getting intoxicated brings the life out of me.
otherwise i'm just plain jane.
or am i?

people say i'm wild, am i?
or do i just take a different persona when i'm high.
split-personality some say.
or am i still in search of an identity?

two extremes of characters i am.
a decent, nerdy, motivated geek
and on the other hand, a wild chick.
who am i? is my reality when i'm sober or when i'm high?

in search for myself, trying so hard to define.
i guess i'm both at different realms of time.
i guess i'm versatile, a chameleon in some form,
adjusting to my surroundings just to belong.

who am i? i guess i'll never know.
or maybe i do know and this is what i am.
two extremes, two of me combined in one.
2 souls trapped in a single moment in time?

maybe, maybe not. i just don't know.
maybe nobody can ever be defined?
this is who i am, i respect it and i embrace it.
i have moulded into me.

~i love me, haha. narcissistic self. woo hoo!

move bitch, get out my way, get out my way bitch, get out my way

i've always suppressed my opinions of you but i'm gonna spill it out right here, right now. you've fucking lost my respect or two fucks i gave to you. so here goes. seriously, i can't stand you. there's so many incidents that happened and i tried to push it away, giving u excuses. but u know what, u don't deserve my sympathy. i'm wasting space writing bout u not becos i give a shit which u might think, but rather to state it once n for all. well, today was the fucking breaking point. i mean come on' ur a fucking student for god's sake, what's up with the confrontation to the lecturer whose prob got a masters degree, tt ur so hard trying to get. i mean, seriously get real. i told u, u have to adapt and try to connect to certain pple (esp if they are ur lecturers), otherwise how can u live in the world with all kinds n sorts of pple? n ur reply? hah, i almost slapped u, like really. wat, u saying u will adapt to who u wan, i think thats bull. ur sayin tt u fit into the social work of society n u have what it takes to help, but come on firstly, ur not in the realm of even helping n also, how can u help when u "choose to adapt" to who u wan to. u put someone down today n in my opinion, tt sucks. just cos u had a bad day? fuck u. what did u gain today? self-respect? more like fucked up perceptions of u from ur frens. i never wanted to say all this gal, u evoked my emotions too much that it's laid down to ur face and u know what, deal with it. wat fucking self conflict u have? n saying u've so matured n going thro things tt noone has faced with. come on bitch, do u think ur the only one carrying the burden of life? balls to u. the rest of us just have better self-worth n views to face our probs. don't ask me why i take psychology. u just think "my answer don't fit". well, i guess i proved my point when the lecturer said that literature and psychology goes hand in hand in becoming a good psychologist. get the picture gal? jess always tells me ur jealous of me? r u really? y? cos i have everything u don't? i earned my life and the things i enjoy so don't blame me for having a decent life. n what's this ur saying tt i forced it on him? i cant force anyone to do what he did, u know tt bitch. u like him so much n u cant take it tt he's not reciprocating n u take it out on me? fuck u, blame it on yr weirdness n ur "oh-i'm-so-complicated-n-noone-understands-me" perception. oh n bout the spirits thing, i so believed u thinking tt noone would lie bout something like this(cos i dont see the need to) but frens have confirmed tt its ur way of getting attention. gal, i think tts lame n damn dumb, r u really tt loser? hah, i feel so at ease stating all this point blank. well, i guess tts all i need to express, hope u like my literary skills tt u think nothing of. oh which reminds me, since u're so experienced in social psyche (n it bores u cos ur mind works scientifically) etc, y isnt any of this reflected in yr essays n tests? dont just say la, prove it. ur making urself into nothingness which is prob wat u are anyway. i've lost a fucked up piece of shit which dont even matter in the first place but i've gained my self worth, at the very least.

extinct judgement

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his bestfriend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday"

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame.. what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

~haha. never judge i say. cos u tend to forget ur own faults staring at ur face. there's only gonna be one judge ever, god, on judgement day.

no price to life

~this is really inspiring

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago,
I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.
When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself, I was standing inside.
I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere.
One handed me a basket and said "My child, shop with care."
Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more
First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, You need that everywhere you go.
I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course I would need some of that too.
I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place.
And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,
And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free
I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.
Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.
As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,
For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.
Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?"
He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go."
Again I asked "Really now, How much do I owe?"
"My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago."

the da vinci code contraversy

pls note:
~the review below is only for those who are matured with an open mind. if u gonna be like "huh" or "wa, she crazy or wat", pls leave cos its obviously not suitable for u.
~this review was written by me, copyright please. references: dan brown, the da vinci code.

i just watched the da vinci code with my mom. we both read dan brown's version in written form and wanted to see it for real. the movie was really phenomenal and brilliant. at every scene, i seem to already see it before while reading.

as a catholic, many would think that it's kinda contradictory for me to be so fascinated with the movie, thus showing my lack of faith or what have you. but i would like to make it clear that even with or without the movie, my faith stays, as u will witness in awhile.

basically, the whole hoo-hah bout the movie which forced catholics n the church to be furious, skeptical and against it, is that it supports the idea that jesus was a married man. the movie suggests that jesus married mary magdalene and at the point of his crucifixion, she was pregnant and later gave birth to a baby gal named sarah. apparently mary lived her life in hiding for fear of getting herself n her child killed if pple found out the blood line of christ is continued. apparently, the priory of sion was a sect that protected her secret and the blood line which followed up till present. whether or not the sect really exists is unknown. or should i say left to ur own perpective.

so apparently, leonardo da vinci was part of the sect and the movie clearly surround his works of art like "the mona lisa", "the venetian man" and "the last supper". focussing on "the last supper", there are loads of shocking findings that were only brought up after dan brown wrote the da vinci code. an example is the image on the right of jesus, seated at the table was drawn rather femininely (small hands, slight bosom, long hair) which was meant to represent mary magdalene. as seen, both "mary" and jesus appear to be joined at the hips and leaning away from each other, thus creating the space between them to form a chalice-like-image. this image was known as the holy grail which was apparently not the cup used at the last supper, but rather the secret of their relationship and her bones. there's many other things to note as well about the painting, here are some -->
1) there were no cups at all on the table even though the conversion from wine to blood occurs here
2)a dagger is seen on the left side of the table protruding out from a hand that does not appear to belong to any of the disciples
3)the "M" letter formed by the image of mary n jesus which could mean either Mary or Marriage.

another point brought up which caught my interest was the topic of transcendence. the story basically suggested that having sex is a good way of reaching to god. apparently, as a man or woman reaches his climax, which is like at least 3-5 seconds, that is the point in which he is able to see god. i know it sounds weird. but if u think about it, its not such a bad idea. u see, for those who experienced climax, im sure u know tt those 3 seconds is something like an out-of-the-world experience, as if time stops for u. for those who still go like "huh, ??", u probably never came before, so yea. basically, the fact that those few secs stop for u, it becomes an avenue where u can actually see god's image in a flash if u convert ur energy appropriately. i know it sounds kinda crude or rude to compare sex with god but think bout it, sex was originally sacred so isn't it also godly then????

many churches are trying to ban the idea this movie suggests. this is cos the idea of the continuum of the bloodline of jesus involves the issue of humanity vs divinity. if jesus is the son of god and therefore god, how can he have decendents like a human? wouldn't that make him not so godly and rather more human? wouldn't the world den be filled with godly humans? this is rather unacceptable to christianity and thus the conflict is around.

personally, even after watching the show n witnessing all the phenomenal suggestions, i keep an open mind and heart. whether the myth or story is true or not, my faith is undeterred. i still believe in jesus, as the son of god. nothing changes. as the movie concludes and i quote, "we believe what we want to" and so here i am, my heart and mind open but my faith always strong.

masculinity

Laura, you're 29% masculine

This is based on how you scored on a variety of traits that, founded on classic research and our own studies, are typically associated with men.You're also 71% feminine, which is based on how you scored on traits that are typically associated with women. When we compare your results with other women it shows that you are somewhat more masculine than other women.But what is gender identity exactly? A person's gender identity is defined by the extent to which they see themselves as masculine or feminine. Every person possesses both masculine and feminine qualities to some degree, however the extent to which each person has these qualities differs widely. While you were taking the test, we calculated your scores in 6 areas typically defined as masculine and 6 areas typically defined as feminine.

damn, i always saw myself as a man. haha.

i'm a steady supporter

Laura, you're a Steady Supporter

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.

woohoo, im a steady supporter. tts not bad. haha bored la so will be putting my survey results up. so fun!

my mum, my best friend

The Story of One-eyed Mother

My mom only had one eye.I hated her... she was such an embarrassment...She cooked for students & teachers...to support the family.There was one occasion during elementary school and my mom came.I was so embarrassed.How could she do this to me?I threw her a hateful look and ran out.

The next day at school..."Your mom only has one eye?!?!"...eeeee said a friend.I wished my mom would just disappear from this world.So I said to my mom,"Mom...Why don't you have the other eye?!If you're only going to make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!!!"
My mom did not respond...I guess I felt a little bad, but at the same time, it felt good to think that I had said what I'd wanted to say all this time...Maybe it was! because my mom hadn't punished me,but I didn't think that I had hurt her feelings very badly.

That night...I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.My mom was crying there, so quietly,as if she was afraid that she might wake me.I took a look at her, and then turned away.Because of the thing I had said to her earlier,there was something pinching at me in the corner of my heart.Even so, I hated my mother who was crying out of her one eye.

So I told myself that I would grow up and become successful.Then I studied real hard.I left my mother and went to Singapore to study.Then, I got married.I bought a house of my own. Then I had kids, too...Now I'm living happily as a successful man.I like it here because it's a place that doesn't remind me of my mom.This happiness was getting bigger and bigger, when..."What?! Who's this?!"It was my mother...Still with her one eye.I felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me.Even my children ran away, scared of my mom's eye.And I asked her, "Who are you?!" "I don't know you!!!"as if trying to make that real.I screamed at her,"How dare you come to my house and scare my children!!"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"And to this, my mother quietly answered,"Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,"and she disappeared out of sight.Thank goodness...She doesn't recognize me. I was quite relieved. I told myself that I wasn't going to care,Or think about this for the rest of my life.

Then a wave of relief came upon me...One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore.So, lying to my wife that I was going on a business trip, I went.After the reunion, I went down to the old shack,that I used to call a house... Just out of curiosity.There, I found my mother fallen on the cold ground.But I did not shed a single tear.She had a piece of paper in her hand....It was a letter to me.

"My son...I think my life has been long enough now...And... I wont visit Singapore
anymore...But would it be too much to ask if I wanted you to come visit me once in a while? I miss you so much..And I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I decided not to go to the school.For you......And.....I'm sorry that I only have one eye, and I was an embarrassment for you.You see, when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye.As a mom, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with only one eye...So I gave you mine...I was so proud of my son that was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.I was never upset at you for anything you did..The couple times that you were angry with me..I thought to myself, 'It's because he loves me..'My son... Oh, my son.. "

i cried when i read this. it is really sad. i love my mom so much n i appreciate the friendship we share. she's my best fren n the bonding is really strong and special. i thank god for such a precious gift. i love u mummy.

to all whose relationship with their mothers are on the rocks, i hope this story has created meaning in your heart. our mothers gave so much for us. do appreciate it n thank her for being a gift to u. before it's too late.