Warning: This is A Depressing Post. Proceed with Caution

I know that my posts usually are more on the light side of things, so for those of you who want to continue to think happy thoughts about me all the time I would recommend you don't read on. This is a depressing post, but with a sprinkling of hope and perspective too.

The vast majority of people who know me do not, in fact, know something rather big about me. I don't tell most people about it because I don't want them to feel awkward around me, but I've thought about it lately and I've decided that what I once viewed as a huge burden has become a blessing in disguise. This will take some explanation so this post may be a long one.

I suffer from a condition known as dysthymia. Basically this is a persistent low grade depression marked by occasional periods of severe depression. I've had this condition most of my life but didn't realize it until a little over a year ago when I had a very severe depressive episode. Why on earth would I tell you all this you may ask? Well, here comes the perspective part. I was able to recognize that something was wrong when someone spoke about their personal battle with depression in Church one Sunday. Until they described what they felt I didn't recognize my own feelings for what they were. So, I want to pass that onto someone who might be in need now.

Depression is the worst thing I've ever experienced. It's honestly impossible to describe it adequately to someone who hasn't gone through it themselves. For me personally I felt like my soul was cracked and at any moment I would come crumbling apart all together. Nothing brought me any happiness and after a while I couldn't remember ever feeling happy, or peace, or hope. Situations that before would be easy to handle suddenly become a huge effort to deal with. I felt constantly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. Life was a chore and every morning was met with a feeling of dread knowing I had to go through the pain all over again. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I never considered ending it all, but for the first time in my life I understood why someone would. When life is constant agony it's hard to want to go on.

On top of all of this was a crushing guilt. I had no reason to feel this way. My life was great compared to so many other's. I have a great family, a wonderful wife, great kids, I'm achieving my goals. What was there to be so down about?

The smartest thing I did was make the decision to not fight the depression on my own. I knew that what I was going through would impact people close to me so I brought them on as a support system. The simple act of sharing and saying out loud what I was going through took a huge burden off of me. I saw a therapist for a while during the worst of it, and I spoke to my bishop about it. Loralee was a huge support. I know that some feel there is a stigma associated with depression, but I'm glad I wasn't so worried about what others might say about me that I tried to keep everything inside. That would have been a very big mistake.

How could this be a blessing? First let me say that I've made it through the depression with minimal scarring and now that I recognize the thoughts and feelings for what they are, even the minor depressive episodes are becoming more rare. More importantly I feel like I was allowed to go through this experience to give me some understanding of others who are suffering. Since I had my dark period there have been a number of people in my life who are also suffering. If I hadn't gone through it myself I would be looking in from the outside not knowing what to say. But since I have some idea what they're feeling I can let them know what helped me. Most importantly I can promise them that no matter how dark it is now, no matter how hopeless and alone they may feel, better times are ahead. It will pass, you will feel happy again.

I don't know why I've felt strongly that I needed to share this right now but I do. For good or for bad we are all connected to each other. So many people helped me when I was down and continue to bless my life now. I hope that those around me know that if they need help that I'll do what I can for them. For now this may just be sharing embarassing moments of my life for them to laugh at, but if that's what it takes then I'll take one for the team.

So in that spirit I present to you the new and improved Dave. AKA Mouth of Steel. Eat your hearts out ladies.

Jabber Baby

Here's Bree in all her jabbering glory. If you're wondering what she is looking at, Dave is on the left and I'm on the right. This is mostly for family, so don't feel guilty if you don't watch it :) But of course, I think it's just so cute. And yes, she still has no hair. There are a couple more clips that I might post from the same jabber session. Grandmas and Grandpas...ENJOY!

President Hinckley's Passing

I know it's all over the Mormon news world now, but I just wanted to recognize it...kind of like my own personal moment of silence in my crazy mommy world.

He was such a wonderful prophet and person. I was reading an article in deseret news with comments and condolences from various well-known people, and they articulated my feelings perfectly. Maybe that's what being somewhat "famous" can do to you-you are able to put feelings into words more easily than us common folk :)

But here's the link, and I'll be honest, I was quite emotional while reading it.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,695247937,00.html

I loved this comment:
Utah Senate President John Valentine, R-Orem: "I feel like I've lost a good friend tonight," he said. "But, then, that was how President Hinckley made everyone feel — like he was your good friend."

He will be deeply missed, I think especially by the youth who have only known him as their prophet. I'm old enough to remember Presidents Benson and Hunter, but President Hinckley was the one with whom I was able to "connect," for whatever reason, and I know that's the case with many of us. But, like many have said, I'm grateful that he has been reunited with his wife, and I'm grateful to know about the Plan of Salvation...it's that knowledge that makes this occassion happier than it would normally be.

We will miss you President Hinckley and we love you.

the Babysitters Club

Did any of you read the Babysitters Club books growing up? I was obsessed with them. So, remember how Mallory Pike's family would go to the beach house every summer in Atlantic City? Come on, there was a whole "Special" book about it! I remember when I would read about those trips I had so many visions in my head of what it looked like and I remember wanting to go there so bad. But living on the west coast didn't lend itself to visiting the Jersey shore.
Well, thanks to Matt and Kyla, last summer we went!!!

Of course, for those who don't know, Atlantic City has turned into a kind of sleazy gambling place, not family friendly at all. But Ocean City, just south a little bit, was where we went. It's a "dry" city, meaning no alcohol, and TOTALLY family friendly. All the houses, whether big or small, have the same look and feel. Everything is well-manicured and kept up. It's very clean and beautiful...kind of a resort town. I don't know that there are many full time residents there.

That was one of the best trips I have ever been on. The beaches are beautiful, and surprisingly to me, a lot like the west coast beaches. Except, on west coast beaches, the streets line the beach and people are walking all around, etc. East coast beaches are the ones that all the photographers use to take pictures...like the pathways going towards the water (we got one of those pictures...took it ourselves!). The backs of houses line the beach, and you can only access the beach by certain entry points, so it's not super crowded. We stayed at a hotel in nearby Marmora and everyday we drove to where Matt's family was staying...right on the beach!

Last summer they happened to have Matt's sister's nanny with them, so we were able to put babies down for naps and go back out to the water. Then when they woke up we got a phone call! We visited the boardwalk and went on all the rides and flew kites on the beach in the evening. It was a DREAM! I can't believe how relaxed we were and how great it was to spend time together and the weather was PERFECT. It was really weird to be on the beach in the evening and NOT watch the sun set over the water! :)

So, reason for my story...we're gonna go again this summer! No matter what, we're gettin' there. All my visions and good feelings about the Pike family vacations were reiterated and this will forever be a place that I have warm fuzzy feelings about! Ocean City should hire me as their city rep. I'd sell out the city every year! Matt's mom told me stories about how she would go there every year with her family growing up, and she told some great stories about the boardwalk too. That's one of the types of memories I want to have with my family.

Thanks Matt, Kyla, Holly, and Emily for letting us take over your family vacation last year! The memories are priceless and I'm excited to go back!!

new blog...

I decided to start a blog just for ME. It'll be where I post recipes, decor/craft ideas that I found that I want to copy, and I'll also be using it to post workouts/daily food so I can hold myself accountable for my new goal of getting HEALTHIER.
So, for some of you girls that wanted some recipe ideas or anything else, just go there and let me know what you want to see!
I linked it under family blogs:
www.lolosideasnstuff.blogspot.com

Some progress...

We haven't completely forgotten to finish our kitchen, it's just been on the back burner. We had some "hiccups" along the way. We bought the wood laminate flooring to install ourselves. We were told that we needed to saw out the bottom of the door mouldings and slide the laminate under b/c our mouldings are so old there's no way we could remove them. So we did that. We opened all the packages so we could "acclimate" them to the room temperature. We rented the power saw to cut the pieces. Then we took a good hard look at our kitchen and realized that there was no way we could do this. There are so many corners and just weird spots to fit around. So we called Lowes to come do an estimate for installation. The guy walked in the door and looked at the floor and said, no way, can't do it. WHAT?!!!! Our floor is way too unlevel (LOVE these old houses!), and if we installed the flooring it would just snap and break. Can't make the floor level b/c the process would cost thousands of dollars. Only option is a vinyl sheet. So he takes measurements to do that. Get the quote the next day...$1500!!!! Because of the little bathroom off to one side and the little bit of hallway off to the other side, we'd have to pay for a 12'x16' foot piece of vinyl, of which we would waste a very LARGE amount. So, our only other option is the vinyl tiles. I didn't want to do those b/c we have carpet throughout our whole house and there really isn't any "wood" look anywhere. And between the counter and backsplash, I thought the vinyl tiles would be too "busy." But we headed to Lowes to return our boxes of opened flooring (THAT was an adventure!) and try to find another option. Lo and behold, what do we see?? The cheapest option of all, which works PERFECTLY for us!! We found the sticky backed vinyl pieces of wood! 4"x36" strips, and they were only $0.90 a square foot-ten cents cheaper than what we thought was the cheapest option!! (Sorry, real tile wasn't an option...not doing it) WAHOO!!!
SO, last Saturday we put it in, and boy, does it look FABULOUS. It was so easy to install, and it has made such a difference in the look of the kitchen.
So, now we just need to add the baseboards and all the mouldings, touch up on a bunch of paint spots, add some curtains, fix a few outlets, and WALA! We'll be done!
Sorry for the long story. I get really chatty when I'm excited about something :)

Drive by

It seems many people got an unhealthy amount of joy out of my encounter with the high school students at Target. I thought those of you who have no empathy for the potential physical harm of your fellow man might enjoy another experience I had a while back.

When we first got out to Cleveland I thought it would be a good idea to ride my bike to school. Cheap, good exercise, and sexy right? What I didn't realize was that I'd be riding right by a big high school 2 times a day. We're what might be considered of a minority status in our neighborhood so having a chubby white guy puffing by on his Fuji Odessa (my bike) was often too much for the kids to resist. I had various insults hurled my way throughout that first year, which while emotionally scaring were at the same time very informative in how the English language could be used in new and troubling ways.

And then it happened. While riding home I was a victim of high school gang violence. I can still see it now. It was a calm summer afternoon. The air hung thick with humidity. My mind was wondering how it was possible for me to be sweating this much and still not manage to lose any weight when I noticed the car behind me had slowed down. The street was narrow but there was plenty of room for them to pass. I turned my head and to my horror I saw someone leaning out the window lining me up in his sights. It was too late to react, I could see his weapon gleaming in his hand in the noon day sun and I knew that it was over. I was about to be egged.

Soon eggs were flying past me as I did my best do go into a defensive maneuver. I swerved left and right trying to confuse them (which in reality was more like a frantic shaking of my handle bars so I didn't actually turn, just jiggled) and hunched down into a Lance Armstrong like position. I knew it was no use. There were too many eggs to dodge and soon I felt the sickening sound of egg hitting my back.

Man Down!! I remember the screeching tires and their screams of triumph as I tried to comprehend what had just happened. I knew the days of the Fugi Odessa were over. I was another victim of a senseless drive by egging.

Let me think about this

So I've decided that I probably won't ever post again in my life b/c Dave is so much funnier than me. From now on, it's all Dave. Can I just say, that man ROCKS MY WORLD! :) I laugh every day of my life, and laughing is my absolute favorite thing to do. Sure, he might be lacking in the "typical" romantic department, but he's romantic to me because he makes me laugh. For those of you that know us, you've heard stories about how any time he tries to do "typical" romantic things, it always backfires (breakfast in bed...on Fast Sunday, rose left on the dashboard in the jeep swept down into the engine, you get the picture). But he does things for me that are so romantic FOR ME. He's the best daddy in the world. Our girls worship him. The second I hear the key turn in the lock my stomach gets butterflies and an overwhelming feeling of complete calm sweeps through me. Can it get any more romantic than that??? He is so helpful around the house-we have assigned chores, and he has gotten so good at getting them done without me having to ask him. The best thing is he lets me do anything I want. He doesn't hold back because he thinks it isn't "fair" that I get to go out and do things and he doesn't. He never expects anything of me that he isn't willing to do himself. I will never have any regrets because if I want to try something or learn something, he will let me do it and give me full support. And if I learn hard lessons along the way, then that's what happens! But he will never say "I told you so" or make me feel bad about it.
Well, I wasn't planning on writing an "Ode to Dave." But there you have it! Now you can all be jealous of me! hehehe.
ps-Leighanna, umm...I'm waiting patiently for the invitation email...

I've grown past high school

I discovered the other day that I have finally outgrown the emotional scars of high school. I was walking in the Target parking lot carrying some luggage we got from there that had broken in one hand and a broken pink piano in the other. It was a busy day so I was trying to watch the cars to make sure I wouldn't get hit. A car full of high school kids was rolling up and to my surprise they stopped to let me by which was kind of them.

Unfortunately I didn't notice that where I was standing, out of my line of sight due to the luggage carrying, was a piece of police tape right at ankle level. That's an interesting thing about Cleveland, there's police tape everywhere. I don't know if there was an actual crime committed there or if some police officer was just bored and decided to tape the area off. Either way I didn't see it. So when I gave that car full of teenagers a grateful nod and started to walk I was stunned to find that my foot had been trapped by some mysterious force and only thanks to my serious athletic ability did I manage to stay upright.

A rational person would at this point look down to see what had ensnared them. But I refused to be controlled by rational thought. "Let's just try that again" I said. This time I almost hit myself in the head with the pink piano because my arms were flailing around in a windmill motion trying to keep my balance. "Well, that didn't work. What would happen if I started out with my other foot?" I think you get the point.

This whole battle with gravity and police tape only lasted a few seconds but during that time I managed to achieve positions usually only seen in Olympic gymnastics. Let us not forget that there is a car full of teenagers right in front of me wetting their pants laughing at the fat white guy tripping over a small piece of tape over and over again. Eventually I freed myself and looked up to see them pointing and pounding their heads against the dashboard in pubescent glee. And here's the magical part, I didn't care. I'm almost 30 and I finally discovered that the psychological hold high school had on me is no longer there. Life is full of little miracles.