life sucks

i have asked myself again and again for many times now.
during the 13 years that i have been in here, away from home.. have i been really really happy before?
i know this will be a very selfish answer.
but yes, the answer is no.
cuz i have not really done what i want to do.
I haven't made my dreams happen.
now that i am so close to the next interview of the dream job i really wanted.
i have to think of the consequences.
the consequences of losing both and having to rot at home.

but i dont want to just rot at home. i need to work.
i need to earn money so that i can freaking pay off debts and save up and start a business of my own.

then again, who knows what will happen next?
Maybe i will get through the interview, and then MOM will approve my Work pass and then i will be able to get on with life and do the job i want.
Maybe. it's always not definite and i freaking hate it.
I honestly so sick of this life.
But i have learned not to curse myself and getting my own life shorten. Cuz it's really true, be careful what we wish for. Sometimes, they come true when you least expect it.

But for now. all i want is to see some light... to tell me that life will get better, at least for me.
I am already 24 going on 25 soon. I am sick of leading this uncertainty every single day.
From school days, to university to the current, working life.

tell me how long i need to hang on, sometimes i wish i can predict the future.
I wish i have the ability to see whats in the future for me.

Now I am stuck in a job I really dislike and I can't leave, till I get PR, when life, supposedly will become better?
HOPEFULLY.

WORK

Im officially starting working life next Monday.
Good Bye to books, notes & school for some time. if i were to continue studying again. I want to be a nutritionist. I realise how important it is for us to know what we feed ourself. Cuz the food we consume makes who we are, how we look and how we will live our life. =) so next up. save up to study or save up to strat my own business =D

Went to the office site on Monday. Honestly, I don't like the environment there. I don't like it, cuz its a complicated place, to me. With stray dogs and stray humans around. I just don't feel safe. and i hate it when i don't feel safe. Its not that people will attack me or anything. But i just didn't like the environment. AND I DON'T LIKE THE WORKING HOURS!

Supposed to go for SIA interview tml. But decided to skip it AGAIN and go for the next one instead. Cuz the rules n regulations for foreign workers here have been tighten up. I dont want to end up having both gone and having to fly back home and stay there and leave myself with an amount of huge debt i couldn't pay off. SO, yeah, next interview, I will find ways and means to attend it. I PROMISE.

Life in Singapore for 2 weeks have been... BORING. getting so sick of living here and staying here, but i have no choice. so might as well make it more fun.
Here's what keeps me company: Online shopping! Watching Drama serials! Reorganizing my room! Cleaning my Room! and sleeping!
Sleeping really wastes alot of my time! i love it, it makes the times travel faster. Imagine, Sleeping at night, close ur eyes once, and then when u wake up 8 hrs has passed. =D

Hope all of us will have a good weekend =D

was already very irritated yst and wasnt in the best of mood for a few days. now that i am feeling better. there has got to be something that needs to stir up unhappiness in the house.
give me a break, please?

i really hate it when things go this way. I really hate it. I hate it a lot.
i seriously feel like just telling them.
just sign the freaking paper and get out of each others life.
do whatever each of you wants
there is no point in staying together, if all you do do is quarrel and quarrel and quarrel.
seriously what the hell.

i know the kids are all big enough but hello?!
children are always children. they want to stay in a family that has LOVE.
not in a family that only has fire ALL DAY LONG, every single day.

i am already very worried about this and that. now THIS?!
thanks.
nobody wants to give in.
nobody wants to compromise.
what kind of family is this.
what kind?
you tell me.

whats the point of looking good on the outside, but on the inside it is rotten?!

WHAT THE HELL, SERIOUSLY?!?!??!

that feeling sucks

so the bomb dropped on me AGAIN yesterday.
so whatever is predicted MIGHT-MOST PROBABLY-REALLY WILL COME TRUE if i continue with this relationship.

AND

I DONT WANT THAT KIND OF ENDING.

I dont want to get married and then ends it broken. NO. I DON'T WANT THAT!
SO TELL ME. what am i supposed to do. WRONG. rather tell me how i should get through it. HOW am i going to cope with it..? will i do just fine? just like old times?

and results gona be released on 23rd August. wish me luck. i need loads of that. I will it will put a real good full stop on it and everything just ends perfectly. so i can move on.

I need to move on.
I am freaking 24 years old. going to be 25th soon!
no more time to waste =(

Wish me luck. Pray for me.

rambles.... ramblings... bla bla bla...

I still want to be an SQ/CP cc! still badly want to be.
Good pay & I get paid to travel  -->> this is the best of all!!!
BUT! i am already 24 going on 25th! damn. thats an age too old to be one. =(
of course, loads of pros and cons.
the worst thing that could happen to me is when i have my period and i am having a hell of a day and i still have to fly and have long flights! of course, MC is still an option! =)
but whatever it is. I guess i have to chuck that dream aside for.... everrrrr :(((((
i have been telling mom almost every other day that "I STILL WANT TO BE A CC" =(
AND BEST OF ALL.
I DREAMT THAT I WENT FOR THE INTERVIEW AND I PASSED AND I STARTED TRAINING!!!!!!

what's that.... A.... sign that i can be a CC???????

sometimes, i really wonder what dreams r for.. the dreams that we made at night when we sleep. is it a kind of communication from God with us? no one can really tell me anything about it. I guess only God can..

OH wells. i guess, i have to slowly.. chuck the dream to be a CC a.. w.. a.. y.. =(

results coming out pretty soon..... VERY soon... 10-15 days or so... I am nervoussssss!  =(
Hopefully everything ends well. IT needs to end well! no other options! MUST END WELL! =)

and whats with the recent popular name with JAYDEN~~~~~~~

a lot of people are naming their new baby boys.. JAYDENNNNN...

i see them ALOT in birthday cakes! and friend's baby boy namesss!

tts all.. JUST.. rambles... n thoughts! needs to sleep now... rather.. naps... =)

life is....

exams over. i'm happy. but i know its....
time to look for a job.
one word.
screwed!

i am seriously so screwed.
honestly....
i dont know what i wana work as.
but i am very very sure i dont want to be in the accounting line.

i tried, searching for accounting job and when i see the job scope.
it doesnt interest me at all.
HOW?
:(

but then i really dont know what i wana work as. =(

in d mood to blog

so! its 22 more days to first paper! hmm.. count it as 21! first paper on the 11th May, i suppose. cuz its not yet confirmed since we still haven't received the exam timetable from the UOL side.
i hope they will postpone it somehow.. but i just wanna get this over and done with! i cant wait for everything to finish, really! =)

I am happy now cuz, i just read my Bestie blog! and believe it or not! its the first smile i have on my face for this whole day! =DDD
she finally found a job! =)) happy for her! and she said, it's something she like and love to do! so i am really happy for her! I am really happy to see people landing in the job they love to be in. its like, living your life to the fullest! and that's what life is about. how many of you know of people who loves what they are doing? more often than not, they are doing it for the sake of doing it. and sad to say, really, in this environment i am in, most of the people i know are doing things for the sake f doing it, including yours truly :)

oh wells, yeah.. i cant wait for exam to be over, and i REALLY really pray hard, i really hope i will land in a job i love doing. and not doing any other thing i don't like. wish me luck, pray for me. lets pray for the better together. =)

and i wanna be healthy, and toned and look good, inside out! =)
its my 2011 resolution! haha! talking about resolution when we are already halfway through the year! but yes! it's my 2011 resolution!
i want that toned body man! =) so these girls from Tone it Up are really great gals!
here's their link! -----> http://toneitup.com/blog/
great workout! and great recipes! i'm gonna try them out when i get back home. I don't really get to cook here.. so yeahh! recipes will be tried later at home in Indonesia!

and i have stayed away from fast foods, sodas, potato chips and sweets the past few weeks! =D
and next im gonna try to stay away from deep fried food! and processed food and everything not natural! =D
it's all about getting that healthy body! =))

so next, i really want to set a goal for myself:

1) study and make use of every single free time i have to study and revise for finals! its the last lap. i just have to do it. like it or not, it's my first degree! my first cert! i just have to make it look good and do everything i can to make sure i do my best and do everything i can, to reach that goal =)

2) exercise and work out everyday! just needed to sweat it all out and feel really good after! =D

3) take the stairs up and down whenever i go out and come back to my room =D

4) walk instead of taking the bus! unless its during rainy days! =)

5) try to be positive and be happy and to just stay positive and just be really happy and in good mood everyday, even during PMS days! =D

6) work towards my dream =)

7) stop being a cry baby! =)))

alright! that's about it! =)

gonna go continue fighting war!

lets work and live to a better tomorrow! =))

p/s: I really miss my Bestie girl! when i have enough money, i am definitely going to visit her and her home in Aussie!

the next time i blog, it will be when exam is officially DONE!! =D

I honestly need more positive energy around me. It's all making me suffocated.
I have this urge to go downstairs for a run now. It's 11:39pm. Kind of random, kind of silly, I know. But I really feel like going out for a run or just go ride d bike. Let the wind blow through and blow all the weights away.

I know whenever I have my period days before and days after and during. I most probably will have pms. I get agitated easily. I get depressed real easy too. But what's worst it's always during this time that I have to feel this and feel that other stuffs.
The feeling kind of sucks. I always cry. I cry almost everyday during my period. Cuz I just feel like breaking down. Its all weighing me down. Really. I cannot take it anymore.

I haven't even go for exams. Haven't even get back results. And what I need to do now is to did job send resume. Think of what job I'll be in, in future. Seriously, what the hell. I life really all about studying, and working and earning money?! Seriously FML!
I hate this so much. I am always the one in the family who needs to do well in this, do well in that. I am always the one who needs to make them proud, blablabla.

Can someone please at least ask me what is it do I really want?
Oh wells, yeahs ask also no use. Cuz it won't happen, it will not happen. Cuz I don't have the money. So suck thumb. Shut up and go find a proper job. Get an income.
All my life what I hated most is being compared to someone else. Damn! Dun tell me how much es earning per mth, bla bla bla. I don't give a damn. It's not as if he is going to give me a certain percentage of his income. They r not going to, so y bother. And I am definitely not the type who will ask people for help, especially asking for someone I am not close with for help. Damn! I wouldn't want a certain so and so to contact me only when he/he needs my help also! So I really won't do the same to others!

Exams nearing. I don't know what the hell am I doing. I feel like ending my life. I seriously feel like doing this. I am so sick of this life. And I am so sick of my life. Shut the he'll up if u don't know anything. Cuz u r not me. U don't know what I am going through. So just shut up. U'll be doing everyone a great favor.

I'm so not going to msia anymore! Seriously that damn thief!!! Who stole my Dad's briefcase which has all the money he needs for medication and doc consultation, his passport, his clothes and everything. Seriously, why would anyone steal? Go and work and earn the damn money. You have the pair of hands and the pair of legs to steal and run away, why can't u freaking get a job that wil enable u to earn all that money?!?!?!

Told u money is the root of all evil and all unhappiness. It's the exact same root to all my problems, unhappiness & everything.

As always, life sucks.

38 days

as the days are getting nearer. of course i am getting more n more scared, obviously. and everyday i am just trying to squeeze in any tiny timing to revise sth. yeahs, it was difficult.

also in the preparation to make my resume. its actually done. to be honest, i really cannot be bothered with job finding. if its not because i have to get a job and pay my debts. i really cant be bothered. if i dont have to pay off debts, i really would pack up everything and leave sg for good once i finish exams. and then go back home to do sth i like. learn some skills for myself. making my own clothes sounds good! =D or be a cake decorator sounds okay too. lol. but maybe i prefer making clothes. learning from scratch! or maybe i would go learn a new language. =D

and laziness really got me. I didn't go to meet mad, mel, shawn n mervin on friday, because. i was partly, lazy plus i really wasnt in the mood to. i've been really down with stress. i am really very stressed up. sometimes i really dont want to do anything. i just want to sit in my room, do my readings or just, sleep. or just study. i just don't want to go out. I don't even want to meet Stanley. cuz i was lazy and not in the mood to. so i only meet him up when i have no dinner or when i end school late, and he picks me up. so its basically, i won't purposely go out and meet him for no specific reason.

gona send in one resume today. for Cathay Pacific. hopefully i will be granted an interview. if i get in, i will be relocated to Hong Kong. SO, i will be staying in Hong Kong instead. All alone again. not a good idea, but i will embrace the change, since i don't really like being in sg anyway. so yeah, it doesn't matter where i go. i'll be fine.. who knows i will experience a whole new world and a good change hopefully. =D

and i am kind of anti social lately. i just dont wana talk to anyone or be in contact with anyone. hated this uncertainty.

oh wells, 12:45pm now. sent resume. checked mail. so got to shut this down and go get the books. yups.

hopefully days after exam will be a whole new change and i will be in for a better life. =)

Emptiness

I am supposed to go to sleep. but I honestly cant sleep. and here i am typing all these, and.. crying..
I really don't know what i should do.
I feel so lost. so empty. so confused. so stressed. and so sad.
i feel like giving up and just.. i duno. go and die or sth. I am so sick of this life. so sick of living this life. i feel liek ending all these. i know i shouldnt be saying all these, cuz... people in other countries are fighting so hard to try to live.. and here i am, thinking of wanting to end my own life.

all this while.. what i worked hard for.. what i always dreamt of... what i always wanted.. to fly.. together with my job... its all gone now..

it's just so impossible. so maybe.. because, i lost that so called dream... i feel really lost now..

think f my future? lol. what will it be like?
i dont know.
i feel like i am going crazy anyttime soon... its been so so long... since i break down and emo like this...

but the emptiness just sink in.

i know i dont belong anywhere.. i always know.. because.. there is no place i can even call a home... well.. maybe my parent's place is what i call "home"?
but i dont really belong there, do i?
neither do i belong here..., this is for sure...

so i thought, by landing myself in that job.. i could just continue with my "no-sense-of belonging" and fly around. at least i wont feel so bad.. i wont feel so empty....

ohwells..  just wana rant..
shall try to close my freaking eyes and sleep.. and wake up to a brand new day tml..?
hopefully, it'll be good to me.

in d end.. im still fine.. i'll be fine.. how can i not.. i need to make sure the mask i put on will tell everyone that i am good. i love studying. i loveee my life...and my life is so freaking good...

nights life.

68 days!

the 70 days mark is over.
now i'm left with 68 days!
actually not really 68 days.
minus off the 21 days of revision classes in school. that will be 47 days.
so i am left with 47 days to first paper.
kind of hating it. but when i think of freedom. it does get me motivated. =D

I cant wait for exams to be over.
for now, i need loads and loads of determination to stay focused and just study damn hard so that.
i will do well!
can't wait! can't wait!

anyways, deleted twitter, cuz there has been weird people, adding me and i cant delete them away. i dont really know how that works, but anyways, yeahs. twitter is deleted. got to make another acct, cuz in a way, twitter does help me in keeping up to date with stuffs i want to be updated in. =D

Its been a while aince i last blogged. Kind of missing it. :)
Went for dinner with mad, mel & mervin! :) nice n great dinner! Love it! Its been really long since i last meet up with them and have a meal:)
Actually everytime i meet them, i get kind of sad. Its a known "fact" that most, if not, all of my friends arent really supportive of my r/ship with stanley. So it kind of tire me down at times. Its not their fault that they dun like him. Or he is not like-able. Err.. Yeahh.. I duno how to put it. But i do get tired at times. Trying to make him fit in, or hoping that one day they will accept him.

Bleahs. Nvms. Not so impt at this time. I just hope that, if i do, am going to continue tobe with him, den hopefully my dear friends can slowly accept him:)

Next! Final exam in 78 days!!!! Woohooo!!! Im excited, at the same time, SCARED!
But i will make sure i am Prepared for it. Its the last one man! Cant wait! Cant wait!!! :D

I smell FREEDOM in 100 days!!! :D

Whats next? Will come next. Now, shant think about it!

Now, time to sleep! Good nights!

*what a random post*

1st

1st blog post of the year 2011 and its now mid January.
I shouldn't be blogging. but when i put everything aside, and prepare to sleep, my brain can't help but to wonder.

oh first thgs first, i feel really good, because, i'm so done with MA assignment! =D
FR is half done, gona finish it tomorrow.
MA qns left 5 more to do, 25 to copy. =S

so i have a busy busy day later when i wake up. =(
but its good in a way, because it will take things off my mind. =D

so today is supposed to be a good good day.
but it turned out really bad. well. at least for me, its kind of bad.
got to see sth i shouldn't have seen. *consequence of being too kaypoh*

the thing about me, sometimes when my heart tells me sth will happen, somehow, it will happen. well, sometimes they do happen. and it feels like de-javu.
but actually it isn't.
sometimes its just that, way before hand, i kind of felt that will happen, and soon after they just happened.

just like what happened today. =(
i told Heup last week, i had that feeling.. and ta-dahh... signs of it happening appeared to me today.
honestly, i don't know what to do.
what am i supposed to do?
unless proven guilty, you don't give someone a death sentence. 
so now, its not as if i caught them red-handed.
so i really couldn't do anythg. =(

i really hope that, they are just being playful. or they are just trying to make friends and nothing more than that.
but... hais. honestly, i really don't know. =(
i really hope this doesn't happen to me.
well at least not now. because i really cant take it in now.

maybe its just my intuition, or whatever u call that.
just this once. i am wishing it doesn't come true. ='(

and i will say it always..
I don't mind being ditched, but i cannot tolerate being two-timed. 

i dont want to know how it feels to be betrayed. :'(



but, sorry doesn't turn back time. ='(

P/S: i just realised this post is written on Sunday morning 3am.