It's not Fair

These hours last week I was taking my National Counseling Exam, doing everything I wanted and hoped to do and feel while taking a huge test.

   The day before the test I took some pictures to capture this season I hope would be ending.

Here is a picture of what I spent more time with than any person the last two months. 

My fingers touched every page of every book.  I wrote notes in the notebook, made note cards, watched a DVD training, and took a online test prep course.  This is the desk I have sat at with these books.

These are the posters I made and looked at every day 

The week before the test I enjoyed what I was studying and learning most of the time.  The day before I stopped all studying and just enjoyed a relaxing day, ate lunch with a friend, talked on the phone to  friends, stayed at a Friends Guest House closer to testing site, took a nice bubble bath and tried to get to bed early.

Test day I felt surprisingly calm...After almost 4 long hours with breaks, I walked to the test proctor and was given my things along with a piece of paper.  She had turned the paper over when handing it to me.  I took a deep breath turned it over... there it read "Fail".  You have to score at least a 91 to pass.  I scored a 81.  TEN points off ...Ten points.  The test proctor said "that's a hard one, you'll do better next time" I nodded my head and walked to my car, tears streamed down and then starting overflowing.  I wish I had thought to have someone there when I walked out.  I couldn't bring in my cell phone so I left it at the house. Here I was alone in my car, screaming, crying, feeling numb, confused, sad, devastated.

Then it hit me I have to wait 3 months before I can take it again.  I hate that counselors do this to counselors.  I hate that a test determines if I get to do what I feel so passionate about.  I HATE Tests, Test scores prove nothing about a person's soul.  I wish someone could just watch me counsel then decide if I should be allowed to do this, But NO!! some other person that is better at memorizing, taking tests gets to do this.  I don't have the brains.... but I have the heart. I wish that was worth something.  I wish what other people think I can do well would give me a job.  IT's NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!

I went to the guest house sat on the back porch swing and wept.

Then slowly started telling people.  I have felt defeated, humiliated.  I don't understand fully how one is to deal with sadness and allow us to be a part of it but here are a few thoughts I have had lately.
When someone thinks something is funny they laugh.   Others Laugh.
When someone thinks something is fun they get excited  Others get excited, want to join in
When someone smiles           Others smile
Why do we when we see someone cry do we not just reflect back similar responses like we do with other emotions.
Why when someone is sad do we say, it will be ok, this just means somethings better, look at the bright side.....
When someone is happy or laughing we don't say, hey simmer down don't forget they is a down side.

How do we learn that some emotions are good and others are bad? Why can't all emotions just be that which we they, what we feel.  I understand it's not healthy for one to live in an extreme.
If someone is sad all they time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is angry all the time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is happy all the time..... I don't trust you.   This is a Fallen World, it is a broken world.

Everyone who has wrote me or called, thank you. 

I am not sure what is next.
Taking it one day at a time

Every Day is Groundhogs day

So every day I live almost the same day.
I get up sometime around 8ish.
8 am: Open blinds, make bed, get dressed, feed cats, walk dogs for 10 min's, eat breakfast, drink one cup of coffee
9 -10: start studying
10- 1: study for 20 to 30 min at a time
1-2: Eat lunch with everyone in the house
2- 6: study for 20 - 30 min at a time, drink half a cup of coffee or something with caffeine
6-7: Eat dinner
7-9: hang with the Van Rooy's or watch a movie
9:30 take shower
10: Get in bed

....and tomorrow I will do it all over again.
Now I have to be honest.  Some day's I don't start studying till 11 or dare I say it, 1 pm. I have had times I decided I needed to take and break and I look at the clock and it's been 2 hours.  It may look like a crazy amount of studying but the time I am actually studying (retaining information) varies.  I have days that I feel like " yes this is great, I can make it".  And other days I feel like " why did I ever think I could do this? I hate I my life".  The one thing that changes everyday is either I feel great or discouraged.
I have these moments that I realize the patheticness of my life.  Want to hear one example?... I am warning you it is lame... I drive my netflixs videos to the post office. I actually get out of my car and walk it into the post office to drop off my one, yes ONE video.  I feel silly. I mean what if someone is sitting in their car watching me?  On top of that I have had moments where I catch myself talking to myself while I do it.  Bless my heart. Oh dear.

I recently watched the movie "127 Hours" which is the true story of the guy who got stuck while rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.  (I wouldn't recommend for the faint at heart) But I cried while watching it.  I can identity with him.  I feel stuck too.  I feel alone. I feel like I am going crazy some days.  I feel like sometimes I am just trying to survive.  And I think I will leave part of my being in this past month. I often think July early August will be a time on the Calendar that I will never ever look at the same.  This season as well as others has left a mark on my life.

I am living with one of my best friends (Stephanie) parents.  Stephanie and her husband and family dropped off their dogs at the house while they take 4 trips. I have taken on taking care of the dogs.  They have been a form of therapy for me.  I take them out for a 15min walk about every 2 hours.  They need to be let out therefore I have to get out and move around.

Here is a picture of the dogs that I think have helped keep me sane at moments.

One week left of studying ... Test Day August 11.  8-11-11 is a big day in my world.

Some things that have been helpful:  a Friends words on not putting so much pressure on one day knowing that I have other options I am wanted in other places too.
Friends that call and check in on me.  I have decided the day before my test I am going to not study and celebrate by doing some fun things.

I think mostly I look forward to the day I will read this post and be mindful of the journey