Rejection

After bad day at work, i really wish, at the end of the day, i have someone to talk to, to hug, to listen my random ranting and  just to keep me company.

Live in kl, offered me all those things. Without im the one who have to ask for it, without feeling rejection. They were there, all the time.

I miss. A lot.

5months, and still struggling.

Frustrating

recieved a phone call from colleague. hani siapa kerja malam ni, and i asked her why? And she said, If i've got angioedema i have to go to ed is it?

-.-'

i asked her where she is now and rushed brought her to hospital. too worried and anxious so i dont think that im the best personal to treat her though both of us are medical officer. few hours at ed till she fully recovered and later brought her back home.

Thing makes me ponder, if something like that happened to me, who i can count into? Text few of our close ?friends about my colleague just now, i know they're oncall, but arent you guys worried? Because i am worry like hell! Their reply not as i expected, and how disappointed i will be if someone that I thought we're close not even there at the time i need them the most.

Sigh

It sucks. Really. Know that actually you have nobody that you can rely into. I mean here, at strange place, you're alone on your own, away from your family and beloved one.

Sidenotes.
Recently, I let my guard down for a brief time and let new people into my life and stepped into my bubble. I let myself fall in love and trust others. Worse decision ever, with wrong person.
It is hurt, really.

I think that is the reason why i am selective and defensive. Who else gonna protect our heart if not ourselves.

Im alone in this battle

https://youtu.be/GlZxZ2n2zpw

M&m not Chocolate

Second d*ngue m&m (mortality and morbidity) within a month. It getting worse day by day. The strain more difficult to treat. Both cases 14-15 years old girl. sigh. Too young to die, and because of infectious disease summore, which is preventable. They're not supposed to die.

I wasnt involved directly in both cases but some things make me ponder.
The second girl, she just passed away last week. 14yo post delivery 6 months, coming alone to ed because of fever. Initially was treated as throat infection and discharge well after hydration that night, and to repeat again blood coming morning as borderline suspicious of d*ngue. The next day when she's coming, the platelet drop massively to double digit. Then when my colleague ask, where is your family members? Do you hv your parent's phone number that we can call? she said, I dont remember. She's admitted to resus, intubated in ward and later passed away in icu few days after admission.

Was she thrown away by her family? Does her baby has a father? Does the family/parents know now that their daughter has passed away? What happened to the baby? How her life before actually. Come alone to hospital, and eventually die. Shes too young. Poor girl. :(

You will never forget the pt passed away on ur hand, and under ur care. I still remember mine, my very 1st case. Not yet a mo. But in my 1st week in final posting as a houseman in ed. 27yo young man mva. cause of death: pulmonary hemorrhage. He passed away 2days later in icu. The moment started from pass over by my colleague uptriage from yellow zone as they noticed the unequel chest expansion. I still remember his name, his face, his expression, when i examined him, treat him. And recently, accidently come across his social media account page. You know the feeling.. Its like the lightning strike over your chest. Speechless and im almost cry. Cant help myself not to think.. what if?

I did my best to save the patients life, and yet, still, things happened. Death happened.

Oh i hate myself when too emotionally involved.

:|

Missing home.

We have totally different personality, character, point of view and have sort of weird kind of relationship and chemistry that somehow, somewhat, it clicked.

You have no idea how much it hurt me more!

Rainbow after the rain in my heart

Last few weeks, i got a pt. Shock in front of me and i failed to detect it earlier. Young pt, no co morbid complain only 2days hx of fever and urti, coming with tacypneic. Bp normal, slight tachycardic. Chest equal ae, crepts at left mz. Dxt normal. Ecg sr. But i noticed the pt is not in a good condition, so i upgrade to resus for close monitoring after given antibiotic and hydration as wbc slightly raised, no drop in plt or hb. 2 of 4 sirs so i treated as sepsis 2ry pneumonia. Pt gcs full. At that time, no other result come back yet. Later in resus, abg shows severe compensated metabolic acidosis with single digit NaHO3, and aki features. After 20cc/kg/h hydration, ivc distended and urine only in tubing. Somethings wrong. i called my boss. Ask wether to intubate pt or not as no other senior colleague on the floor. Because honestly, i dont know what else to do.

The answer i got; hani case macam ni pun tak boleh manage ke? You cannot ask to intubate or not via the phone.

ok mayb i should not. Then, tell me and guide me what to do. You know what i feel at that moment? And the worse part, he came and saw the pt as he was at hosp that time, and he called up everyone to resus and told me in front of everyone; even houseman can do better than you hani.

Can you imagine how i feel. After all, the management he did only give more hydration and escalate the antibiotic. So what in term of management i did  wrong? is there any negligent? Or did i do any harm to the pt? If i dont care and concern about pt, i dont even want to call him to ask what to do.

Later pt expired in ward after 6hours of admission. That made me even feel more bad of myself.

went home and cried all night. That is one of the day that you just want to quit to be a doctor.

Life is sucks.

********

i missed my ep back in edhkl even more. I know im new, still a lot to learn and improve myself. But discouraging and underestimate ur staff and humiliating  wont help to provide a good environment.

and more and more discouraging words from him afterward almost everyday.

now i dont know if i hv interest in ed anymore. Very stressfull working environment now.

I cried to my friend over the phone who're willing to listen. Desperately need a hug and a shoulder to cry and a comfort. Im fragile and clingy like that. I wish im in kl now. And she said to me, dont be sad, insyAllah something good will always happen after this.

And indeed, she's true. The next day i went out for breakfast with my colleagues to find a comfort. But then accidently bumped into my other specialist, and awkwarly i invite him to join us. we had breakfast together for 3hours of inspiring words and talk about life somehow put my foot back on the ground. Thts really what i need at the moment.

Last few weeks, i got a text from old friend who are concern. She's reading my blog, and she said it quite depressing. Haha!. Somehow you glad to know that you have someone who still have faith in you, and remind you back who you really are with so much courage and uplifting words, and you know you're not alone in this world.

I met my hkl specialist in one of the ngo event last few years. But actually i never work with her before in hospital. And somehow we become close after that. I think its a quite an awkward conversation to discuss with ur boss but, what not? She's been in this field longer than i am, and truly speaking from brain and experiences.

You're glad when you meet all these people.You feel like you're all alone in this world, that the whole world is against you (exaggerated) and you feel so hopeless. And Allah send these people to you to remind you, that you're not all alone, and to still have faith in Him.

You never know how a simple word or a simple gesture or a simple act of kindness can motivate and inspire those around you.

These people, i dont meet them by accident, they're meant to cross our path for a reason. 

And i wonder what did i do to deserve them in my life :'(

One of the i-want-to-quit-my-job kind a day.

These people, they had soggy shoulder of my tears, suffered from ear bleeding from my late night ranting, and offered me warm chest to hug.

Desperately need a hug. (Virtual hugs doesnt count)

I am really struggling here.

13th oct

Haha i remember last year joke when the boys ask about the event

Then someone replied;
... then what happened  to ibrahim ali?

Geddit? geddit?

clingy

kak ida once told me; its ok for you to ask for help, to rely on somebody, to receive all those kind gesture. it doesnt mean that you are weak. you deserve it hani. everyone know that you're really strong.

i dont know whts wrong me. or what im trying to prove? am i too independent? am i too spoil?
a girl (dunno if im already a women) who has really fragile heart yet try to be strong (and independent)
i cry over silly matters, always. i feel guilty to accept any kind of kindness because i think i dont deserve it. i dont like to ask for help for everything i can do by myself. i really dont like people who rely on others for everything. can you please be independant, please.

am i too independant, and selfish?

i have my own bubble that i dont like people step into my bubble. i can be friend with you, but please stand out side from my bubble. im very selective to anywhom can enter my bubble. and once you're in the bubble, i love you so much, you re my everything and i trust with my life, and i can open up everyhing with you. ok thts actually too exaggerated.

so now, i dont have ANYONE in the bubble. 2months here seems like forever to me. i dont have a good support system and awesome company to layan my random ranting. who i can hug tighly, who can lend a shoulder for me to cry, who i can tell everything to lighten my shoulder.

why its so difficult for me to accept new people in my life? i mean, to invite people into my bubble. am i too defensive? or am i having a trust issue? i rather spend my time alone rather than hangout with the people outside the bubble. huhh then im stress because of lonely. pathetic. and if i dont like you, i will forever will not like you. stay away from me please.

to buddies inside the bubble who accept me for who i am, who can tolerate my clingyness. i miss you.

macam mana nk kawin ni if i am too comfortable with myself, and im very difficult to accept people in my life.

transitional phase

almost 2months already i am here as an etd mo (emergency & trauma dept) im kinda like ed, as my lasting posting in edhkl and i know how the system  works etc. colleagues here are super nice, staff nurse as well. my 1st 2weeks im here, struggling without transport and struggle to settle down in new place. i charter taxi to fetch and pick me up from work everyday. nak sewa kereta lagi mahal around rm500 per week! i dont like nk susahkan orang nak tumpang hantar ambil ke kerja setiap hari so not me. the matron offered me, dr dah ada rumah tidak? dr nak sa carikan kereta sewa? and when im moody (so obviously showed all over my face) because of homesick, the staff nurse try their best to comfort me; dr dah makan? dr jom la join karaoke malam ni. dr nak ikut kakak balik kampung? and my landlord also is a nice man. after 5days househunting finally i found the house i like. to feel like home. to be home. i dont preferred housemate but i welcome any visitor. fully furnished and when i stepped in the house, it was perfectly clean. and rent also affordable for me to live alone.
i told my sister for all what happened, and she replied, what did you do in your life for you to meet all these nice people? my heart is warm.

but

now im still struggling. as a mo, bigger responsibility ahead. sumpah hari-hari rasa bodoh sebab tak tahu nk manage pt. and some case mismanaged. good thing to have some senior colleagues and EP that really helpful. they guide and correct my wrongdoing and everything i didnt know, they always available to answer my doubt. the truth is i never, even once intubate patient during my ho life. so when im incharge resus alone, im struggle really hard to manage the case by myself. and the worse thing, to have ur inferior to look down at you. once the ho ask me something and i answer honestly sorry i pun tak sure i never accounter this kind of pt before, you can ask more senior mo. and the ho replied straightaway in front of me, kan best kalau dr G (my senior colleague who just recently transferred back to semenanjung) ada kat sini lagi, die tahu semua bende.  and the worse thing, they even bully you. You saw the case together, but you are the one who writing, to give medication and prescribe, all by urself. paling sumpah kena buli, dr la refer sendiri. omgg! i cannot. during my time (the words we dont like to hear so much during houseman) i wouldnt even let my mo to clerk the case by themselves and even akan siapkan settlekan semua pt baru balik. now, they just simply balik awal sharp when they finished their shift tinggalkan kerja tak habis. omgg im so pissed off. im so mad.

setiap hari pergi kerja tak sabar nak habis shift nak balik. setiap hari menangis. setiap hari i wish im in kl right now. setiap hari i wish i got transfer back.

i miss kl badly. i miss my soup family, really really much. their occasional text and call really soot me. i really really want to back to kl, badly.