cringe or thoughtful

When you have a friend that impossible to please. 

I dont know. Been thinking about it for quite sometime wether to sent the flower or not. I feel a bit cringe but want to be thoughful at the same time. A very fine line in between i guess. Hahah

I still love you anyhow. Lol.

would you love me back?

What if I told you that I miss you?

Would you tell me that you miss me back?

What if I told you that I need you?

Would you tell me that you need me?

If I tell you all my feelings 

Would you believe me?

housewarming

After one year, i gonna host a housewarming party for dear girlfriends. 

I dont know why im so nervous to invite them, when i already got few circle of friends coming over before.

So whts the menu?? Geeez. Excited and nervous pls!

On a side note, bought this today. Isnt it beautiful? That fresh and positive vibe~ Hope it brighten your day as it did with mine.  ❤️

#itsthelittlethings 

indomee burger bestari

Well it has been a while. Cant remember when was the last time i was here, at bestari hartamas. Maybe 4-5years ago, while im still in Sabah i think. So much memories of this place, the place where we used to hang out 2-3times a week til 2-3am in the morning. Good young days lol.

Had dinner w girlfriends at Bangsar earlier. Only 3 of us. we rarely talk to each other nowadays, and only met 2-3times a year. but i know we always keep each other in thought and  prayers, and deep down there in maybe just a tiny little piece of myocardium. Haha. still, Im glad we still hang out and keep contact eventhough most of us are married now. If i get married, (still cant see the light anyhow) one of the criteria to be fulfill by my future spouse, is to get approved and can click with them my girlfriends, after my mom obviously. That how important they are to me. Ahh i love these girls so much. 

After dinner at Bangsar, went straightaway to fetch Z. And the road from Bangsar to Hartamas, omggg!. It just bring back the old memories night after soup. Its been about 4-5years i think im not passing by that area. Try if i still remember the road without open the waze, and tettt! failed. Missed one junction which end up i hv to made a u turn at ttdi. 

Im text everyone actually for supper that night, but it end up with only Z and i. Nvm. And both of us been busy actually. Text z few weeks ago, and i only get an emoticon as a reply. And i guess we know each other well enough not to be bother. And last night we really talk. It just feel so good to have someone that you can talk to about everythng. I told Z so many things that i kept by myself for so long. To get rid things out of my chest, to ease the burden of my mind. We sit there until the shop is close. That night, i wish it never end.

Oh well, there's something about those late nite indomie burger sessions that stays in our memories for years afterwards. It must be the company and conversations, not simply the taste of all that we savoured. :)

#oncallseries

To have a good boss is a bliss. 😢😢😢

August 2018

there you go. already 2/3 of the year. time flies so fast i dont even realize.

what did i do this year? what is my achivement? what improvement i made so far?
hmmm
i almost forgot the resolution i wrote early this year. oh did i wrote that?

1. to loss weight. i gained weight like no body business in sabah. so it should start from kitchen. i must cut down junk food. and eat more healthy food. drink a lot of PLAIN water. target weight 65kg by june.
failed miserably

2. jaga mata. jaga hati. jaga iman, jauhi zina. jaga ikhtilat. (this is serious :|)
improve a little bit

3. keep silent if u hv nothing good to say. jaga hubungan dengan manusia, jaga lidah. jangan cakap merepek bukan bukan takde isi dan menyakitkan hati org lain. kurangkan mengumpat, gossip, backbiting, etc.
i talk less non sense nowaday. i prefer to keep silent rather than talk non sense, ppl might misinterpret it as a rude i guess. But oh well, im too old to care.

4. financial. (we'll see later about this)
50-50

5. get a way from social media. i challenge myself to delete twitter/ig/fb the whole one month trial period in February. lets do it!
manage to stay away from social media half month of February and the whole month of July. self pat on shoulder :p

6. i still cant see my future in relationship and carrier. (we'll see later about this)
Well.. *cough* I made a move recently, i texted someone i stalk past one year. *stalker alert* .it took me a lot of courage to do so, i mean to start the conversation. to be honest i dont hv so much ppl i really fond of. my last crush was only back in uni. but this guy. I hv a hugeeee crush on him. But too shy to confess even to start a conversation. Haha. but then... only 4 sentences and the conversation end. haha. how to make a progress like this.  Lol.

i took PAIEM exam last month. wohooo! how it goes? i dont know. result still pending.
but im glad at least i made a progression with my carrier event though i havent see the light at the end of tunnel yet.
sokay let live day by day and we'll think tomorrow's problem tomorrow.

so did i achived my resolution? Not all completed but still there is something to be proud of. I guess.

To summarize things happened so far this year: im glad i transfer back to semenanjung, near to my dear friends and family. But i hate my job.

i transfer back to Semenanjung for good in February. back to my home town in Banting. honestly to start fresh, i really dont know where my future in career goes. they ask me what i want? i just said i was in ed before. initially they put me in OSH; occupational safety dept. culture shock. really. from clinically shift hours job to 8-5 desk job. really good life i guess. on my 3rd week in OSH, they ask me to cover OPD (outpt dept) for a week as they short of man power to cover the clinic. i do hv a good time in OPD. im happy and really enjoy when seeing patients. this when i realize admin job is not for me. but here also the moment that change my life. forever. 

it started when i refer one case of dengue to paeds dept. then, on the next day i was summon to the hospital director's office. 'hani, i hv to pull you out from OSH. you hv to go to paeds' what??!!
what the hell. where this thing come from. why all of sudden? why do i need to go to paeds? i dont want paeds. i was ed MO for 3 years. i am ed trained. i want ed. i told the pengarah i cant do paeds. i dont want paeds. im not good with kids. then suddenly out of nowhere, paeds HOD also in the room they both are very persuasive ask me to pull me into paeds. and i persistently say no.
HOD paeds says; i heard from my MO you're good. now im very sad disappointed with you because you not even want to try. what???!! 

what the hell. seriously. why me?
the meeting goes for an hour with all the sweat and tears. i kid you not. and i insist persistently say no. at the end of the meeting, pengarah's last word: either you go paeds or you go out from this hospital.
i cried non stop and speechless at that moment. i dont know what else to say. then i replied, when do i start? -you start tomorrow. 
i took EL on the next day.

why people are so mean? why they hv to be this cruel. why just dont let ppl to do what they love and achieve their dream?
so here i am. 6months of life in paeds. you have no idea how much i hate my job everyday.

i hold a grudge to the paeds MO that i refer the dengue case earlier. because of her now im here. i dont know, should i be flattered the HOD personally request for me? to do something i hate. they gave me 2weeks so called trial period in this dept. seriously i talk to no one. just do my job, came to work with sour face everyday i dont even read msgs in the group. at the end of 2 weeks, im ready to see the HOD again to tell her i cant do this. but then she says oh hani, you seems ok. you can start oncall next week. *nangis air mata darah*

i hate it and it drained me so much i want to rebel. but thinking of my job is dealing with other human, little human some more, and how much i hate my job, i dont want to harm and jeopardize my patient's care. i need to suck it up and just to my job no matter how much i hate it. paeds and ED are two very different things. the ward round, the OCD is killing me.
there is a job opening for emergency resident at UITM private medical center. i applied for the job and went for interview. And... I got the job. so tempting to take the job but when i ask opinion from others so many people against it. stay, they said. esp mom and my sister. it broke my heart because i really want to leave this dept and ppl against it. sigh.

i can see the effort of my bosses to make me stay. regardless how rebel i am and im showing no interest at all in paeds. i dont attend any dept makan2 event or celebration. i find my excuse to escape from dept activity and meeting. but despite all of that i dont know why they still want to keep me here. you know, to hv a good boss also a crucial and important factor at work. i dont like my boss back in my prev work place and he's one of the reason i dont want to stay at Sabah anymore. and here, the bosses are very nice. i made a fatal mistake, twice. and recently just 2 days ago. i went to see the big boss and confess the mistake i made. the mistake is huge she summon all the staffs include all the nurses and mos for an emergency meeting. it getting worse and drag on up till other specialist and staff nurse get the blame. i feel so bad. and she didnt scold me. tsk. 'even someone's good can do this mistake. make sure it wont happen again ok Hani.'

and the other time, one the specialist said to me, thank God boss didnt scold you Hani, because she likes you. tsk tsk.

here i am, still in paeds. 6 month and barely survive. i take it as a part of learning curve in my career to learn and for the knowledge and skill that definitely will be useful later. 
btw successfully did direct suction for the 1st time early this week. it made my day. :)

i hate how much my temper getting worse nowadays. i did something bad today. im postcall and i went to see developer the get my house's keys for house inpection of defect. appointment was at 4pm. you know how much i hate waiting and make ppl wait. after an hour drive and when i arrived,there is no one at the office. im sleepy, tired and grumpy af. call the person incharge and she replied other person will attend me shortly. i am so mad, when the person came, i just took the keys and left without saying a word. he knock on my car's window because there is some document and procedure i need to fill and discuss, but i just drove away and leave.
im not proud of it  and it is a bad attitude. but cant help myself not getting pissed off. i find it very annoying and irritating keep ppl waiting.

God please help me.

so many things i want to write and tell. but till next time.

2018

welcome to three series. gasp!.

2017. i really feel like a sloth. but then when i look again at the resolutions i wrote early last year, surprisingly?!! i achieved most of it. so now i see the important of resolution and target. when i feel down and feeling like rubbish, actually i achieved somthing. wehhuu!

so this year resolution. haha a little bit late. but lets do it!
since i just transfer back to semenanjung, finally! to start fresh and new all over again. lets do something meaningful this year.

1. to loss weight. i gained weight like no body business in sabah. so it should start from kitchen. i must cut down junkfood. and eat more healthy food. drink a lot of PLAIN water. target weight 65kg by june.

2. jaga mata. jaga hati. jaga iman, jauhi zina. jaga ikhtilat. (this is serious :|)

3. keep silent if u hv nothing good to say. jaga hubungan dengan manusia, jaga lidah. jangan cakap merepek bukan bukan takde isi dan menyakitkan hati org lain. kurangkan mengumpat, gossip, backbiting, etc.

4. financial. (we'll see later about this)

5. get a way from social media. i challenge myself to delete twitter/ig/fb the whole one month trial period in February. lets do it!

6. i still cant see my future in relationship and carrier. (we'll see later about this)

7.

8.


i may add on the list, but currently i cant think of any, i dont want to make a list just because it is a list. i want to make it happen. this is a promise to myself. my last year resolution on 6, and i achieved 4 out of 6. so this 4 things.. lets do this 1st.

of ethics

working here in this town beside the side, almost half (i think) of the residents are non locals.
so the big issues arise when they come to hospital to seek treatment.

this land below the wind has so many suku kaum which some, i only encounter few times and has so many ic color which i never see in west Malaysia. these people mostly are native people but somehow due to socio economic, logistic, non-legal marriage (kahwin kg), and too ignorant too i think they only have birth cert and dont hv ic.

mind you they have to pay a lot than local. for registration only it cost rm100. not include other investigations. they hv to pay every single of blood investigation and xray required.
but somehow, for us, the treating doctor, when look at the pt. see how they dress, and to the rest of the family members looks like, how low the socio economic they are, we just simply close one eye and send the necessary blood without payment.

more big issue when they need admission. for medical based they hv to pay deposit around rm1200 i think, and surgical based, rm2800. and it cost a lot more if admitted to icu.

so.
example if pt non local came in with mva (motor vehicle accident). for registration rm100. xray; cervical rm40, cxr rm40, pelvic rm40. if needed t&s rm300. if they dont hv money pt will stranded in dept for quite sometime, because we cannot discharge and cannot proceed with xray as xray need payment receipt before they will proceed.

chicken egg dilemma.
2pts impending respiratory distress. one local and another one not. and the non local one has worse condition. only one ventilator available. very limited bed available in ward and icu as level. and non local has financial issue as well. which one to intubate?

i lost count number of pts i extubate in the car as they couldnt afford admission after initial treatment given.

and  for peads cases too. somehow i think most of the non local rarely go to hospital unless they're seriously ill. we saw worse of the worse peads cases ever. peads pt with hb1, single digit hc03. and somehow they came with a chronic compensation. i dont know how they survived. thts y they said, these people hv 7 lives. their survival rate is very high.
we intubate peads pt almost every other day here. i kid you not.

just now i encounter one pt. young gentleman. alleged assaulted. sustained deep laceration wound on volar aspect near the wrist with tendon and vein cut. the wound was quite deep. funny thing, (not so funny) pt was assaulted by a cousin dt financial issue. they fought because of rm20. so pt came in afternoon around 4pm then refer to ortho team, medical advice given to admitted to repair in ot yada yada.. family members undecisive, try to find money 1st they said. untill midnight! only they give the decision. want aor discharge. the best ortho team can offer just for t&s under sedation in resus as they couldnt afford to be admitted. how much our PSA can last long, so ortho team just salvage whtver they could.
i feel bad to the pt. because of rm20. which i think is really meant a lot to him. made him fought for it. made him almost lost his hand because of it.

for some people kfc is like a normal meal, but for others it is a luxury food.
:'(

Long to belong

I love being alone. There's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. I do feel lonely sometimes. How much i keen for a company but I completely loathe people who rob me off my solitude but provide me with no meaningful company. I do not like wasting time to explaining myself or speaking meaningless issues that brings no good to the self or others. Just for the sake you dont look pity all alone by urself eating outside, drink coffee, shopping or watching movie, i opt for a good company or just by myself. Most of the time is the later. I dont mind and i dont care what other people think. 

I have very small circle people im comfortable with. I know i can be very defensive too sometimes. Its for sake of my fragile heart. I dont like intrusion and im just happy and comfortable in my bubble.Surprisingly, I made new friends and met new people a lot more when I was a houseman in kl. I only have small circle of people here. Which consist of my colleagues, in the same department. I'm glad we hv quite a lot outdoor activities together; playing badminton, hiking and running, occasional roadtrip. Otherwise I would die of boredom. I still remember 1st few months in Sandakan I'm so depressed of being alone with nothing to do after work. Went back home, staring at the wall, sleep and going back to work again. This seaside small town has nothing much to offer compare to kl. Which I only found the hidden gems much later. 

And yet, colleagues still just a colleagues. I dont find my person here. The one you can talk everything to, the one you just call randomly without any occasion, the one you can rely on at the time in need, the one you can trust. 

I wonder if im trouble or falling sick, who i can count into?

How much I love being alone, and regardless how independant i am, it just good to know, actually you have somebody to rely on at the time u need the most, esp here in this foreign land, away from ur families and away from ur beloved one.

Tsk. The thought is sucks.

Land Below the Wind

Hi. Woahhh it's been awhile. Last post was almost 2years ago. While im still a very junior mo. In this land below the wind. 
No. Not so junior anymore. But still alot to learn, to improve, to improvise. 

So currently I've been here for more than 2years already.  2years 4months to be exact counting. I've learned a lot. I grow up a little; less clingy, more independent, but still immature. Still emotional. 

I still remember the day i came to Sabah, for the 1st time in my life. My sister and Mom sent me to the airport only at drop off area. Im already started the journey on my own. Too ignorant I have no idea where is sdk and definitely I didn't do any research before I came here. My friends back in kl keep asking me when are you leaving? Where u gonna stay? Are u gonna stay at kk 1st? How you will go to Sandakan?

As impromptu and impulsive I am, I definitely don't have the answer. I don't make plan. And  i'm avoiding to answer the questions esp from aunty because I knew they will throw a farewell party for me and I'm really sucks at goodbye. I feel bad to receive random act of kindness from others.

Funny story, I almost missed my flight. It's been a while since the last time I travel by air I don't remember when should I be there for boarding. My flight at 630. Already settle check in and everything at 4am. So I took my sweet on time at the airport and heading to gate at 610am. Im surprised the gate was empty! No one there. Then I realized they close the gate already. Find the crew but they don't allow me in. Begging persistently and I almost cry at the gate. By some luck manage to contact the captain and they allowed me in. What a relived. Arrived at Kota kinabalu airport around 9am in the morning. Fetch my sister's car at her friend's, went to lapor diri at JKNS. Silly my sister, the road tax expired on the day i arrived at KK. So find JPJ to renew the roadtax. Settle everything and later in the afternoon i met Jaz. he's in kk outstation, hes been here for almost one week already. We went to watch sunset at tanjung aru. Omggg I'm so glad finally I met someone I know in this foreign land. Later I met Fazila and we went for dinner with her housemates and I stay overnight at her place. Thats all the story and drama of my first day in this land below the wind.

The real journey start the next day. To go to Sandakan. By car. Alone. I knew it takes roughly 5-6hours but I don't know how is the road takes me. Leaving kk at 5am in the morning. The road is really bad. Like really bad. Like all the way to cameron highland in all 6 hours journey. Im surprised manage arrived in one piece at Sandakan on my very 2nd day in Sabah by driving alone from KK. Pheww. Im surprised how on earth my sister allowed me to drive alone from KK to Sandakan all by myself. If im at my sister's place i definitely wouldnt allowed it looking of long hours of journey, geographicly and so bad road condition. 

After safely arrived my very 1st stop i went straight away to hospital. Lapor diri etc, met a HOD and then only im search for a hotel. I know. Im very at a moment very last minute person. I stay at Sunbay Hotel at the town. Quite dodgy hotel actually. I dont know why i choose that. Whtever. So damn tired i just wanna rest. Later in the evening, i met Anati, Farhana and Aqilah for dinner. Former colleagues from HKL. Thank god for another familiar faces. Thats the end of the stories of day2 in Sabah. And my very 1st day in Sandakan.

And the next day househunting begin. Start the day with breakfast with Abid. Jr back in Alex. He's among of few i keep in touch with before coming to Sandakan. Househunting alone, I think i saw about 4 houses before decided to choose the house i like to rent. The house to feel like home. Quite far from hospital but i like it. It cozy, and comfortable to live alone. And i think the neighboorhood is safe.

Long story short... now 2 years++ already. Time flies so fast.