grumpy

I realize I am more grumpier at work. Some ppl really get into my nerve. X's very sloppy and I'm mad about it. Very. And I just snap at him, repeatedly.

And with ppw too. Few occasion, I shout at work. That's not me. That's not normal. That's wrong. I shouldn't normalize it.

Change Hani. Be better. Be nice. Smile a lot. 

Don't be like Izzah. She's mean. Ppl talk bad about her behind her. You don't want that. And Hani, you are not mean.

Don't feel like you are superior than others. After all, we are still His slave in this world. We all are his humble slave. Just because you are long enough on this field, you are any them than all of them in Allah's eyes. Treat ppl nicely. Dont shout. Don't belittle others. If you don't hv anything nice to say, keep quite, or walk away. 

Be nice

Be nice Hani.

of stranger in the lifeboat

Last dive solo trip in feb, im a bit reluctant to go actually, after my supposed to go partner bailed on me.  And to go mabul just by myself after long dreadful shift at work, i wish to stay at home in my mancave and not to meet ppl at all for the next few days. Anyhow, force myself to go and i went anyway, after postnight shift and only pack my bag few hours before the flight. And that feeling is gone when i arrived on the island. It was... Amazing & breathaking. SubhanAllah. When i arrived, only 4 guest in the resort. Me and group of 3men; mr naga, abg ben & poi. I join them for dinner, we talk and instantly click. Not all ppl u meet u can talk instantly about a lot of things, right. I hate small talk, I hate shallow and loud ppl. And we talked about meaning of life, memories, flaws, experiences, insecurities & fears. Kind of weird deep conversation to hv with stranger, and somehow it made my day.

Mr naga & abg ben somehow very holistic and always remind me, subtlely how greatful is our creator, how blissful we are to enjoy our life, to see the God's creature, to be blessed with a lot of things. Somehow, that subtle message, made my heart warm. I am nowhere near pious or obedient or even religious person. But, after met them, i set goal for myself, i want to be a better muslim, to be close to Allah, to my creator. To be grateful for a lot of things.

And to be honest, my heart found peace. I dont find prayer is a heavy & burden anymore but something to ease my soul, my mind, to be close to my creator. 

I got into car accident early this week. And its not something i want to remember. After the incident and i settle everything by myself; call the ambulance, made police report & settle things with insurance & tow truck, then only then comes the emotional trauma & post traumatic breakdown. I thought im strong enough by myself & handle everything on own, but apparently im not. I cried my eyes out. Urghh i hate myself for that, for not being able to contain my emotion. Then i took grab to mak's house only i told mak what happened. Later of course colleagues know about it because i call ambulance and my staff saw me there involved in the accident. As usual, the concern & text from my colleagues made my heart warm, & suffocate me at the same time. Yes, im still not yet ready to received random act of kindness & affection of love from ppl. Anyhow, thank you guys. 😭

Things happened for a reason, irregardless good or bad. To teach me a lesson. And im sure there must be a silver lining for what everything happened. 

And im blessed & grateful for the last trip i went. So many wonderful things happened. Despite indesicive to go. I got one to one advance class with arief. Then with extra lesson with abang ben. Extra learning point, witness & co manage DCS in front of my eyes, and it was bad, that patient require hyperbaric chamber therapy. thank God abang ben & mr naga were there, and they take responsibility of that guy. (Lesson for me, its important to have fun, but more important is safety first! And to find reliable & safe dive master/instructor) Only me myself from the resort to go sipadan on that day, so i got dive master on my own. Swimming along with whale shark!! How lucky i am! and overall it was safe & wonderful trip. I feel relax & my heart found ease. 

Special bonus, i met amazing ppl that warm my heart. 

I am grateful for random ppl i met, to teach me a lesson, to remind me about life & death, to be grateful, to remain calm, to appreciate everything in life. 

corona radiata

I dont think anyone read a blog anymore. So i think its a safe place to rant.

Btw i tested COVID POSITIVE. Get the hint when i start to hv chill and myalgia on 10th. I slept 12 freaking hours on that day.

Few colleagues already tested positive, i never knew that i will caught it too. I start develop high grade fever on 11st, still working that time w temp 38. Ambivalance to take swab initially but my colleague already register my name and prepare to take the sample. Funny thing is i took my swab by my own and all other colleagues made fun of it may insufficient sample and inadequate technique. And damn! It still positive. I got my result on 13th.  Still go to work past 2day w high grade fever. Few man already down and i feel guilty to take MC with left only few ppl work before i knew my result.

Me, the person who really particular about hand hygiene, follow the SOP, strict about 1m distance and mask. I dont even stand anywhere near the stranger at public. I. Caught the virus. My heart sank when i heard the news and i instantly cry. The only two my close contact are my sister and my niece. That one even because my sister force me to hold my niece and she hugs me before she's leaving. Not sure if i caught the virus from them, because my sister had them tested 3 times and all negative. Alhamdulillah. My biggest worry if i infect them, and i couldnt forgive myself for that.

When i got the news, i only tell 2ppl. My sister and Z. Two coldest ppl i know that i love the most. And of course colleagues at work knew. The text i received, it made my heart warm, and suffocate at the same time. Its annoyed me. I think something is wrong with me. Im not ready to received any affection of love and care from ppl. Z text me most of the time, and call me twice. I didnt answer. I dont really feel like to talk to ppl. I dont even tell mak or any other family members. To make ppl worry & make things difficult to other is definitely the last thing i want to do. Sorry and thank you for everyone who reach out and asking, but i dont think i deserve any affection of love and care from people. (A bit dark of myself)

me being dramatic. Ahhh how i could not love you? 😣

Now, im at quarantine centre, stress and suffocate. I wish i can do home quarantine. I miss my babies. I think they caught the virus too, because they start to hv cough and they are extra clingy and slept on the bed with me all the time. 

When IK call me yesterday to arrange placement at quarantine centre i already request for home quarantine, but denied. Seriously im much more comfortable and happy just to stay at home. I knew myself better, i guess. And im a doctor.

Somehow also feeling proud of myself because past 3days i stay at home didnt go out AT ALL eventhough very tempting to buy groceries. I didnt get the bracelet and i can go out if i want and follow the strict SOP that i know better than everyone else as a medical personal. But i didnt.*self pat on shoulder.

Now im waiting a placement at tertiary centre. As a healthcare worker they gonna admit me at HKL. Praying hard i get it sooner. Another 5days & counting. 

too good not to share

I suspect it is hard to love a health care worker.

We get up early, we come home late or may have night shifts and are too tired to cook.

We miss weekend events, holidays, birthdays.

We don't get too excited over a minor cough or cold, we have seen far worse.

We don’t always want to talk when we come home, we have talked all day.

We don't always want to move when we come home, we have moved all day.

It may seem that we have left all of our caring, our heart, and our love at work, and have come home to you empty, we probably have.

I guess it is hard to love a health care worker, but know this: we still need your love. We need your understanding.

We need to know that you “get it". We need to be the one taken care of every once in a while.

We need someone else to take charge of the details because constantly doing everything ourselves is exhausting.

Sometimes we need our feet rubbed. We need a shoulder to cry on when we can't even tell you why we’re grieving. We need you to do the hardest work you may ever take on, which is...to love a health care worker.

I would like to thank those of you out there who love them and let us do this work, this calling, this life: care work 👨🏻‍⚕️👩🏻‍⚕️❤️🏥🚑

cringe or thoughtful

When you have a friend that impossible to please. 

I dont know. Been thinking about it for quite sometime wether to sent the flower or not. I feel a bit cringe but want to be thoughful at the same time. A very fine line in between i guess. Hahah

I still love you anyhow. Lol.

would you love me back?

What if I told you that I miss you?

Would you tell me that you miss me back?

What if I told you that I need you?

Would you tell me that you need me?

If I tell you all my feelings 

Would you believe me?

housewarming

After one year, i gonna host a housewarming party for dear girlfriends. 

I dont know why im so nervous to invite them, when i already got few circle of friends coming over before.

So whts the menu?? Geeez. Excited and nervous pls!

On a side note, bought this today. Isnt it beautiful? That fresh and positive vibe~ Hope it brighten your day as it did with mine.  ❤️

#itsthelittlethings 

indomee burger bestari

Well it has been a while. Cant remember when was the last time i was here, at bestari hartamas. Maybe 4-5years ago, while im still in Sabah i think. So much memories of this place, the place where we used to hang out 2-3times a week til 2-3am in the morning. Good young days lol.

Had dinner w girlfriends at Bangsar earlier. Only 3 of us. we rarely talk to each other nowadays, and only met 2-3times a year. but i know we always keep each other in thought and  prayers, and deep down there in maybe just a tiny little piece of myocardium. Haha. still, Im glad we still hang out and keep contact eventhough most of us are married now. If i get married, (still cant see the light anyhow) one of the criteria to be fulfill by my future spouse, is to get approved and can click with them my girlfriends, after my mom obviously. That how important they are to me. Ahh i love these girls so much. 

After dinner at Bangsar, went straightaway to fetch Z. And the road from Bangsar to Hartamas, omggg!. It just bring back the old memories night after soup. Its been about 4-5years i think im not passing by that area. Try if i still remember the road without open the waze, and tettt! failed. Missed one junction which end up i hv to made a u turn at ttdi. 

Im text everyone actually for supper that night, but it end up with only Z and i. Nvm. And both of us been busy actually. Text z few weeks ago, and i only get an emoticon as a reply. And i guess we know each other well enough not to be bother. And last night we really talk. It just feel so good to have someone that you can talk to about everythng. I told Z so many things that i kept by myself for so long. To get rid things out of my chest, to ease the burden of my mind. We sit there until the shop is close. That night, i wish it never end.

Oh well, there's something about those late nite indomie burger sessions that stays in our memories for years afterwards. It must be the company and conversations, not simply the taste of all that we savoured. :)

#oncallseries

To have a good boss is a bliss. 😢😢😢

August 2018

there you go. already 2/3 of the year. time flies so fast i dont even realize.

what did i do this year? what is my achivement? what improvement i made so far?
hmmm
i almost forgot the resolution i wrote early this year. oh did i wrote that?

1. to loss weight. i gained weight like no body business in sabah. so it should start from kitchen. i must cut down junk food. and eat more healthy food. drink a lot of PLAIN water. target weight 65kg by june.
failed miserably

2. jaga mata. jaga hati. jaga iman, jauhi zina. jaga ikhtilat. (this is serious :|)
improve a little bit

3. keep silent if u hv nothing good to say. jaga hubungan dengan manusia, jaga lidah. jangan cakap merepek bukan bukan takde isi dan menyakitkan hati org lain. kurangkan mengumpat, gossip, backbiting, etc.
i talk less non sense nowaday. i prefer to keep silent rather than talk non sense, ppl might misinterpret it as a rude i guess. But oh well, im too old to care.

4. financial. (we'll see later about this)
50-50

5. get a way from social media. i challenge myself to delete twitter/ig/fb the whole one month trial period in February. lets do it!
manage to stay away from social media half month of February and the whole month of July. self pat on shoulder :p

6. i still cant see my future in relationship and carrier. (we'll see later about this)
Well.. *cough* I made a move recently, i texted someone i stalk past one year. *stalker alert* .it took me a lot of courage to do so, i mean to start the conversation. to be honest i dont hv so much ppl i really fond of. my last crush was only back in uni. but this guy. I hv a hugeeee crush on him. But too shy to confess even to start a conversation. Haha. but then... only 4 sentences and the conversation end. haha. how to make a progress like this.  Lol.

i took PAIEM exam last month. wohooo! how it goes? i dont know. result still pending.
but im glad at least i made a progression with my carrier event though i havent see the light at the end of tunnel yet.
sokay let live day by day and we'll think tomorrow's problem tomorrow.

so did i achived my resolution? Not all completed but still there is something to be proud of. I guess.

To summarize things happened so far this year: im glad i transfer back to semenanjung, near to my dear friends and family. But i hate my job.

i transfer back to Semenanjung for good in February. back to my home town in Banting. honestly to start fresh, i really dont know where my future in career goes. they ask me what i want? i just said i was in ed before. initially they put me in OSH; occupational safety dept. culture shock. really. from clinically shift hours job to 8-5 desk job. really good life i guess. on my 3rd week in OSH, they ask me to cover OPD (outpt dept) for a week as they short of man power to cover the clinic. i do hv a good time in OPD. im happy and really enjoy when seeing patients. this when i realize admin job is not for me. but here also the moment that change my life. forever. 

it started when i refer one case of dengue to paeds dept. then, on the next day i was summon to the hospital director's office. 'hani, i hv to pull you out from OSH. you hv to go to paeds' what??!!
what the hell. where this thing come from. why all of sudden? why do i need to go to paeds? i dont want paeds. i was ed MO for 3 years. i am ed trained. i want ed. i told the pengarah i cant do paeds. i dont want paeds. im not good with kids. then suddenly out of nowhere, paeds HOD also in the room they both are very persuasive ask me to pull me into paeds. and i persistently say no.
HOD paeds says; i heard from my MO you're good. now im very sad disappointed with you because you not even want to try. what???!! 

what the hell. seriously. why me?
the meeting goes for an hour with all the sweat and tears. i kid you not. and i insist persistently say no. at the end of the meeting, pengarah's last word: either you go paeds or you go out from this hospital.
i cried non stop and speechless at that moment. i dont know what else to say. then i replied, when do i start? -you start tomorrow. 
i took EL on the next day.

why people are so mean? why they hv to be this cruel. why just dont let ppl to do what they love and achieve their dream?
so here i am. 6months of life in paeds. you have no idea how much i hate my job everyday.

i hold a grudge to the paeds MO that i refer the dengue case earlier. because of her now im here. i dont know, should i be flattered the HOD personally request for me? to do something i hate. they gave me 2weeks so called trial period in this dept. seriously i talk to no one. just do my job, came to work with sour face everyday i dont even read msgs in the group. at the end of 2 weeks, im ready to see the HOD again to tell her i cant do this. but then she says oh hani, you seems ok. you can start oncall next week. *nangis air mata darah*

i hate it and it drained me so much i want to rebel. but thinking of my job is dealing with other human, little human some more, and how much i hate my job, i dont want to harm and jeopardize my patient's care. i need to suck it up and just to my job no matter how much i hate it. paeds and ED are two very different things. the ward round, the OCD is killing me.
there is a job opening for emergency resident at UITM private medical center. i applied for the job and went for interview. And... I got the job. so tempting to take the job but when i ask opinion from others so many people against it. stay, they said. esp mom and my sister. it broke my heart because i really want to leave this dept and ppl against it. sigh.

i can see the effort of my bosses to make me stay. regardless how rebel i am and im showing no interest at all in paeds. i dont attend any dept makan2 event or celebration. i find my excuse to escape from dept activity and meeting. but despite all of that i dont know why they still want to keep me here. you know, to hv a good boss also a crucial and important factor at work. i dont like my boss back in my prev work place and he's one of the reason i dont want to stay at Sabah anymore. and here, the bosses are very nice. i made a fatal mistake, twice. and recently just 2 days ago. i went to see the big boss and confess the mistake i made. the mistake is huge she summon all the staffs include all the nurses and mos for an emergency meeting. it getting worse and drag on up till other specialist and staff nurse get the blame. i feel so bad. and she didnt scold me. tsk. 'even someone's good can do this mistake. make sure it wont happen again ok Hani.'

and the other time, one the specialist said to me, thank God boss didnt scold you Hani, because she likes you. tsk tsk.

here i am, still in paeds. 6 month and barely survive. i take it as a part of learning curve in my career to learn and for the knowledge and skill that definitely will be useful later. 
btw successfully did direct suction for the 1st time early this week. it made my day. :)

i hate how much my temper getting worse nowadays. i did something bad today. im postcall and i went to see developer the get my house's keys for house inpection of defect. appointment was at 4pm. you know how much i hate waiting and make ppl wait. after an hour drive and when i arrived,there is no one at the office. im sleepy, tired and grumpy af. call the person incharge and she replied other person will attend me shortly. i am so mad, when the person came, i just took the keys and left without saying a word. he knock on my car's window because there is some document and procedure i need to fill and discuss, but i just drove away and leave.
im not proud of it  and it is a bad attitude. but cant help myself not getting pissed off. i find it very annoying and irritating keep ppl waiting.

God please help me.

so many things i want to write and tell. but till next time.