.or.rather.a.hanging.phone.

i miss ur eyes...

i envy all those blogs i went to..those dotted pinks,the flowing words and the layout and utmost attention to the place where they care for,the place their mind plays a twisted game and the mind speaks of hate.those emotions of growing love and the contentment each time they meet with their frens..and those times they need to make a point they gotta write it down..and i was one of them.but now,this blog seems sucha waste and it's been left unattended.prolly just once per month that i'll update,or not i'll be busy visting other blogs but my own.

that everyday blogging and everyday "i can't wait to write it all down" or that "fuck who cares this is MY blog,MY page" kinda shiet is like ssoo over.i dunno why..i miss this,but each time i go to this page of mine,my itchy fingers will then turn to facebook,or messenger.or prolly will be on the fone and just close this window.yes,i've abandoned this.prolly i've grown old for this(oh i've turned 22 last month) or maybe i'm just pure lazy.yea..guess that's it.

words use to rush thru my head like an escardille of thoughts..like a train with gushing chains churning and choo-chooing awaiting to be typed out.my fingers used to express and my heart feels at its best.but now...died?i dunno..i miss that though..

that poetry making,that lashing,those profanities and of course about love...about the things we did,about the places we went...and about my dear frens whom i miss..i do not noe why i've lost all of these...all those profanities even(in this blog.in real life im still the same-.-)or about him which when i read past entries i'll find myself smile silly..i miss eyes being glazed,stuck on the screen,reading about me and him...now,im only reading about other couple,other ppl's life,but my own.like how u can pause to reminisce,blogging sure is an easier way to do it...but i guess there's only a thing or two that stopped me from writing it all down...that rocky time with him..wouldnt wanna read it again...but i dun wanna delete it.oh wells...

if u miss me,i can tell u for sure,i miss this.so be good,i doubt i'll post something again..anytime soon that is..but i guess for now let my mind type it down..coz it had been bugging me for quite a while,of why am i neglecting my blog.

till then,bitches.

.bless.me.god.

a whole long while...i noe..

it seems as though i've went on hiatus..nah..just lazy to blog..so how've u been?hope all's well...

i am sick.doctor had said i've got influenza-like-symptoms..only god noes how hard my heart was beating..and so she scared me more by saying that usually ppl who has fever or flu well,of high temperature like mine yesterday had gotten h1n1.and today,my body ached like fuck and my throat hurts..i've gotten another sickness which is runny nose and my eyes are watering due to staring at this laptop.

fuck this sickness.i've got 1 week mc following the insuructions from MOH and i dread gng back to work coz obviously there's a pile of work waiting for me.gah!!!i am so weak i can't walk,even typing this needs my utmost strength.yet i wanna try hard to lead my normal life.i need my strength and my health back..

my eyes are stinging,my body aching,my nose swelling,my throat is reddening.i've been shitting half of the day just now,my body's telling me to take my medications but i gotta eat first.and i have no appetite for that.seriously,i hate this.i hate being sick.

i wish i can cuddle next to u and hold me close..soothe me everything will be better and kiss my warm eyes with ur cooling lips..i wish he's here next to me..coz i think that's wat made me better...though the time was late,though he had to carry a lot of things,his guitar,his camp bag and all,he made his way to my place yesterday..though it was just about 45mins spent,it really made me better....thank you...so now,can i have it again?^.^

i.am.sick.

.bbrrraaattttttyyyy!!!!!.

it's been pretty much a whole long while..

hello,there..i've been very lazy to blog or even go back to this page of mine..don't know why,but i just dun seem like it's no longer a need for me to give out my utmost emotions out here..though a lot of things had happened,good or bad,i dun find a need to vent it here anymore..well,that's good i suppose..

anyways,it had been a ride..ups and downs and a whole lotta surprise..it had been a good while,though..a good while..though i posted that it is over,well i couldnt let my mind take over my heart..even when it hurts and even when things happen,just gotta go thru it..it's already a year n 6 months with him..i noe i still and will love him...as always...and i wouldnt want that to be over..not now,not anytime soon...don't even wish of letting his hand go..

chances can be given a lot of times..but when being given too much of a time,then i decide when to stop.for now,i'm embracing his love and attention..we've come this far..and all these while i noe wat i want,wat i need..and now,im gonna keep on trying...

in principles of life i've made myself and that i heed....my own belief of "believe,faith & trust"...coz one day,when we lose something,it'll feel as though we've lost the most precious thing that we've fight for...and that day,i hope will nvr happen...no more drama...just me and u..just us two...

maybe i'll come back again...or not,just go to facebook...that is for more pictures..
till then,be good boys and girls..
*mwah

.the.sweetest.dreams.will.never.do.

hey there..it's been a very long time..ironically i don't miss this,eventhough i do love blogging..but hell.

so how's u?hope all had been fine..

when things change, it's either we adapt,or we run away from it,hence move on.

for me,i chose the latter..when things change,things that is not of your favour and it kept on being on repeat mode, there's no way acceptance should be part of it. a whole lotta things had been happening,but knowing self,i shall not write it all down here..

plainly guys are just jerks.well,agreed by many,for once or even several times,i will nod vigorously to that. and pretty ironic how it is being said and agreed by a good fren of mine,who happens to be a guy himself.hhmm..

after 13 months had passed,things had changed tremendously.maybe not things,but just him.though a whole lotta chances had been given,faith had ebbed long ago..trust?naah..none. doesn't really help the whole situation,what more when things were at the worst whereby i expect a good thing to happen,waddayanoe,he chose to be on repeat mode.repetition of everything of changes which happened after 16 months now of being together.to be honest,im pretty much numb.

"you can give a lot of chances..but when u're done giving YOURSELF chances,you know it's time to let go.."~rai

"when you feel very numb,you know that you're done.though it'll be very hard to move on,it'll be easier knowing you can't be getting hurt all the time.."~uncle

and now,it's time for me to let go..and now,he can enjoy all his time with his friends that had always been there for him..coz i can't tolerate anymore lies..

to all those who reads my blog or chance upon this post,if ever u have ur other half,acknowledge the fact that he/she will or had always been there for you.emotional support,physical being,love-making and reaching out all the time...cherish that.appreciate that.or just plainly,acknowldege that.

"being in a relationship means u're willing yourself to love,give love,being loved.and also,you're willingly giving yourself to hurt and pain.but,there's always limits."~self

love,dids.

.there's.nothing.left.to.say.

it's been a while,baby..

more than 50 texts above yours as my days and nights were filled with my loved ones checking up on me and us texting random and personal things..more than 50 texts cover that 'good night' and ur 'i love yous'..more than 50 texts that are new which makes me forget to read or re-read the things that you said..

a call was received on thursday morning as u mumbled and myself having breakfast..i built a wall as fast as i answered ur call..take away all the pain,take away all the lies..just take it all away just so i could embrace that comforting voice of yours..i fought hard the lashing i wanted to give which i succeed as the conversation was all too careful..as u wanted to answer,i heard the click of the fone.

working night will be cancelled soon..which is good news as im too exhausted of going out of the house twice each day..so starting from either 4th may or 11 may i'll start 1pm-10pm instead..middle of the night,too weird,but i think it's better...

thank you tsue for the singapore flyer ride..thou at the start it was scary as our imaginations ran wild,it was pretty much a smooth and BORING ride..i think it's too long..to be honest wat i see is the same view i get from my office.being on the 42nd floor i can see practically the whole of city hall and raffles place.however,it is way more fun being stuck in that capsule with my silly gf,scared shitless and loving each of the molecules in her..

thank you tsue,ira and nysh for that 'finally!!' plan as we all look pretty in our dresses/tops and hit town like we own it.the lepak-nak-mampos laughters and 2mins of breeks and of coz the updates..thank you for letting me shop and helping me out..i love you dolls oh so very much..and of course..that sleepy place..the 10bucks wedges and that tequila filled drink at the bottom.urgh!

at the end of that saturday we were cranky and the weather was damn humid..we tried hard to smile but each of us were annoying the shits outta each other as we found ourselves go silly..as they say 'if u can't beat them,join them'. tsue's mum and bro fetched us as finally i got back home at 2am."goal!!!!" damn.shut up.

ej just msned with me..while i was typing this post..still in taiwan,still cold there(how lucky) and still we are careful with our words..do u noe the feeling of being relieved,yet everything's not right still?that's how im feeling rite now...so i dun really have the mood to write any further..

till then..
tra~~

.4.days.since.you.called.

18 april 09.all sweaty coz the weather's so humid.

hello..i think by now,i'd publicize my blog already..so how're u?hope things are well..

rite now i feel like a hard stone,unable to feel anything and not wanting to feel anything..numbed myself and made sure no emotions could pass thru me..i've yet to crumble,i've yet to break down.but i noe,deep inside me,it had happened..it long died.and it had weeped and tasted sorrow..yet it didnt surface for me to feel...yet.or probably never..

i write and talk with rhymes and games..with poetic expressions with eyes glazed.i sat and i wondered,wat the hell did i do?as a call was made and my heart broke into two.she consoled,she made me better.yet i was raging,the body shaking.tears welled up,yet i wiped fast.after all that, tears no longer came to my eyes. another call as i told him i knew. all i hear was deafening silence,as finally the click of the end of call.i sighed and i stared.there's nothing to do.till today,i wish the fone ringing,is from you.

i wished i didnt see,i wished i didnt acknowledge.yet the truth was there,the lies u said.the trip to the airport,the trip to ur place.u lied.again and again.as u sent me off,we talked about yesterdays.we felt our heart,as one at its best.yet when i went to my office,wat did u do?you called and was ready.off to carry on the lies that u said.i believed you,and i trusted you.no longer disappointment,but just 'wat do i do?'

days filled with talks to my babes and lad..days filled with work..u lied and u lied.for ur own selfish reasons.in a sudden u changed,as all ur environment did.u became someone i dun even noe and u went to places i wished u didn't go.yet i told u,yes i'll be fine.and u went.u betrayed my trust.of coz now u noe i wont be happy if u inform me u're going again,with the same people again.hence selfishness took place and u went ahead anyway.but if u noe it's gonna jeapordize the relationship and it'd make me unhappy,why bother at the first place?

taking things for granted.

all the sacrifices we made,all the things we went thru.all wasted to just make it into a memory.a memory probably i wouldnt want to reminisce as it will kill me like a stab with a butter knife.slowly piercing thru,to make sure that,i will be dead.

there's no reason for u to call,there's nothing for us to talk about.i noe the truth,and u had no balls to admit or even say sorry.all i hear was the click of the fone,coz u hung up.and there is all there is to it.it says of how much u love me,or even how much true that is.we fight on all fours for us,we sacrificed for the best of future,yet now life's in ruins and there's nobody else for us to blame but ourselves.coz i believed u and i gave in.and u took that for granted and u lied to me still.

i still do not know whether i should pack my bags and leave.coz i noe im still not that strong to carry on.yet,i noe that i can never trust him again.never had it crossed my mind of how capable he is to do all this,but surprises happenes..to think i sacrificed my sleep to go online to search for the best hotel to throw his surprise party and calculating the amount i'll be left to stay alive for the month..wasted.never ending faith.yet it had ebbed in me.

one day i will make the decision..solely mine.and i hope there's no turning back on wat i've decided.regardless leaving or staying.it's mine.my life..tell me im dumb,well i feel very much dumb to give him another chance.but it's hard when he's always been part of my life.think.

2 days since i ate.the last i had was the 5 spoonfuls of mee goreng with tsue and nora.other than that,water and fags.hence the picture of how skinny my arms became and how all this shit had exhausted and puncture my youth and grace.

happy monday,babes.