Daydreams, Survival, and "Close Enough"

This week J had a Halloween event out at Camp Ireland that I went to help with. It wasn't something I would have done if he hadn't been somewhat in charge, but I ended up having a lot of fun helping with minutia and talking with his volunteers. I realized I'd much rather spend a Friday night in hiking boots in the rain than all dolled up at a fancy restaurant -- although I like doing that stuff, too! All of that rain and mud got me daydreaming about what makes me happy, how I want that to shape my future, and how I can make those daydreams into realities.

I have a lot of daydreams. I daydream about finishing my degree. I daydream about being more outdoorsy. I daydream about moving out of my parents' house. I daydream about getting married. I daydream about getting fit and healthy. I daydream about being a teacher. I daydream about moving somewhere beautiful and different.

It seems like dreams become daydreams (I mean, more distracting on like a daily basis) when they feel more realistic. When you've been some glimmer of hope. When you've seen someone achieve their daydream. When you've made some progress towards yours.

There's one daydream that's been particularly distracting for me lately: being a program director for a cub scout or boy scout summer camp! I have a thousand ideas a day for it, and opinions on just about every aspect of how a summer camp program should run. I feel more than qualified to do the job. I have the administrative knowledge from working at Meriwether for 5 years, and some useful experience from working in the office last summer.


My question is this: at what point do you decide that you're going to make your daydream a reality? When you have time? When it's convenient? When it's placed in front of you on a silver platter?

I know a lot of people who have had their daydreams realized.  So many people my age are married / finished with school / have amazing jobs / traveling amazing places / any number of incredible things. From my perspective, it usually seems like they've had it handed to them. Working towards completing my undergrad, for example, has been the hardest, most exhausting thing I've ever done, but everyone makes it seem so easy once they're on the other side.

I feel like college is keeping me from a lot of my daydreams, and that's what is keeping them from being more real. In some ways, this notion is completely accurate. Apparently, no one in their right mind gets married before they're through with school. I can't move away to somewhere new and beautiful because school is here. I can't even hold a job and go to school at the same time. The fact that my daydreams are stunted by another year and a half of sitting in classes, writing papers, reading textbooks, and taking tests makes it even less desirable and even more debilitating. The thought makes me lose my breath in desperation and dread.

But, as everyone is so quick to point out, "College will make a lot more of your daydreams realities."

"Which ones?" I ask.

"The ones where you have a job and can move out of your parents' house and people view you as the adult that you only are once you've graduated college," they always say snidely and in not so many words.

And so I continue on with the marathon that is college without really knowing what's on the other side. The finish line has been moved out of reach every time it's within view. Every time I voice my stress I am shut down. It's no wonder that school has become my number one source of stress, even with classwork demands aside.

Now I posit my question again: at what point do you decide that you're going to make your daydreams into realities? Are daydreams only for people who have everything handed to them? At this point, my daydream of being a program director or having a career with the Boy Scouts seems so trivial. I can barely see myself surviving this term. Where do I even go from here, after being shut down and told to "man up" so many times?

So this is where we come up with a game plan to surviving the next year and a half.

Option 1: Thrive. Optimists are lovely people, but let's be realistic here. This option would probably require some prescription antidepressants, some black market stimulants, and probably some socially unacceptable forms of income. Because seriously, no therapist is going to do my homework for me. My parents, as loving and wonderful as they are, are also human and are never going to continue paying my tuition and making my meals without a little (or a lot) of bitterness or resentment here and there.

Option 2: Barely survive.This option means I keep doing what I'm doing now. I continue to be emotionally unsupported in my schooling, I continue to live off of my parents, and I continue to feel unfulfilled in the daydream department.

Option 3: Don't survive. I'm talking about not finishing school, which is an option, but obviously not the best one. Not finishing college would mean I've wasted thousands of my own and my parents' dollars. It would mean I have nearly zero job prospects. I'd never make enough money to live independently. I'd probably end up super single and living with my parents forever.

Option 4: Don't not survive. I'm not going to make it out of school whole. I know that. Whenever I cross the finish line, I'm going to be battered and bloodied and probably requiring an AED but I'm going to have that damn diploma. As much as the pessimist in me resists it, I know that I can make a choice to make small changes in my routine that will allow me to slowly work towards those daydreams, or at least a semblance of them.

Is this pessimistic? Maybe. Am I selling myself short? Perhaps. Will I be less disappointed if I expect far less? Arguably, yes. I said earlier that daydreams are just dreams with a glimmer of hope. At this point, I'm all out of hope. I've been treading water for so long and I'm exhausted.

Lately I've been thinking about this quote: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars." (First, this quote is bullshit because the nearest star is exponentially farther from the earth than the moon is, so you could never even come close to a star if you couldn't even reach the moon.) But second, and speaking more to the spirit of the quote, maybe I just need to find small ways to sort of realize my daydreams. I don't foresee many future living arrangements other than what I'm doing right now, so maybe if I spend enough time away from home being self-reliant, maybe that's close enough to moving out? I certainly don't expect to be offered a job with the Boy Scouts or as a program director, but if I volunteer at John's events here and there, maybe that's close enough? If I live out my daydreams as whatever is "close enough," maybe that's close enough? Maybe?

...Ideas? Thoughts?