I just noticed that I have a list of things I want to do after May.. and they're from last May.
Maybe it's time I updated my list.
Things to do after May 20111. Get a job. 2. Buy a computer 3. Buy SC2 4. Watch all of Day[9] and Husky's videos 5. Spend lots of time with Chuck 6. Complete GH on expert. LOLOL. 7. Oh man, everything conflicts with 1.
I did accomplish the first 4 though. Unfortunately, yes, No.1 ruined the success of the rest of the items. Hahahah!
I think I understand when people say that 2 individuals who love each other need not necessarily be with each other. You know that you guys just aren't right for each other and that it wouldn't work out in the end so you don't consider a further relationship.. but that doesn't mean you can't love the person.
Love sometimes works in weirdest of ways. Which is why when people ask couples why they love each other.. it's often hard for them to put it in words.
Random insight.
Maybe I should take up writing this blog again.. I really would like to have something that I can look back upon years later.
I doubt I can stick with it though. I just have way too many thoughts throughout the day, I can never remember them all. I really do think a lot on random things.
My current favourite activity is buying spot on appropriate gifts for people's birthdays etc.
Pity I always end up buying these things months prior and have to live with the secret.
I remember buying Nicole Sam her 21st Birthday present when we have yet to even hit 20.
Spent 179CAD/240SGD on an italian leather bag that I wanted to buy so badly knowing it doesn't suit me at all. At that time, I just wanted to have it, so I got it for Nicole Sam because it's just perfect for her. Indeed, she loves it. <3 I love how I don't even blink at spending that amount overseas but in Singapore I would really think and mull it over. To date I reckon that's the most I've spent on a bag/gift. No regrets! ^^ Canada has such great shopping.. Some day I'll go back again together with my 2 bffs, Le Nicole(s). (: Le sigh.
I really hope Nicole Sam is keeping safe and nothing bad has happened to her thus far. Praying so hard for her safety. 18 May is my 2nd last paper and also when she returns. Plenty of happiness is to be had that day. (:
I'm in such a cheery mood and I have to blame it on "Falling in Love - The O'Neill Brothers". It's so sublime. I love it! Not quite sure if it suits its title.. but it does remind me of the romantic movie montages where the couple has fallen in love, gotten married and lived happily. <3 It really is so perfect for a wedding. I do hope this song gets played at my brother's wedding. (:
DIRTY LAUNDRYYYYY. :(
Most people hate dirty laundry. Can't blame them. :D
I was walking to lunch at Green plate today and I was thinking about random things, mostly the idea of friendship in general.
I've often said that I don't really like the phrase "Friends forever". Sure when I was in primary school it sounded like the perfect thing to say to a friend. Ah such innocence. I did remember writing a post a while back about how in years to come I've sadly matured to know that friends aren't forever. People change and grow apart. Their ideals and characters are incompatible so they naturally progress down a separate life path. I don't feel sad, it really is just life. I sometimes think I brush it off by saying "oh they're not my true friend I guess" but I know that's a huge fallacy there.
I can't blame friends nor myself for us growing apart. It could be because I've changed or perhaps we've different directions in life. I noticed I stopped trying to be the kind of person people would like me to be and am rather happy just being who I am. Sounds cliche but rather apt, I feel. I'm a lot less sociable than when I was much younger but perhaps I would attribute that to growing older and being more self-conscious.
I was just thinking about how people love to say "True friends will accept you for who you are" or "True friends will overlook your flaws and accept you". Either way, it's roughly about the same. I admit I do fall into the trap of saying that to friends. It sounds encouraging or denotes a positive attitude towards friends who stop being friends. Like the silver lining to a cloud.
It occurred to me as I strolled along that the phrase is mostly bullshit and very selfish. If you read into it, it just implies that whoever does not accept you for who you are is a horrible friend and isn't "true". The fallacy of that statement is what if you're a horrible person to begin with? What if you are... a rapist or a murderer or both? Does that mean that if no friend accepts you they're not true friends? I'd be more worried if they accepted you. It's unfair to say true friends will overlook your flaws.. Friends are still human and humans do have a sense of moralistic values and character traits. I was trying to reconcile this idea with the phrase, "Love the sinner, hate the sin". Sure they may accept you but that doesn't mean they are willing to overlook the flaws. They are there to make sure you don't continuously allow your flaws to become your major trait. Who wants to be friends with someone who has horrible flaws and refuses to change for the better?
A friend once mused upon that "True friend" statement and commented that a true friend will listen to friend who's only trying to help and not make it about them being alone in the world with no acceptance from others. The statement does seem to make the person play the victim and place the blame of a failed relationship/friendship upon the other party. It's not even the idea of the friend being judgmental of the other party. Sometimes I feel when people are quick to play the "You're being judgmental" card it's because they have already judged themselves and know that they did the wrong thing or they have a bad flaw but they just can't bring themselves to change or do the right thing. So they assume that everyone else must be judging them the way they already have judged themselves. All in all it's a touchy subject and I've seen my fair share of this judgmental drama in both guys and girls but mostly girls. I think that's why I've walked away from so many of my friends.
I reflected that I generally like to steer away from emotional drama. Sure if I care for you enough I would be there supporting you all the way. But after a certain point in time it does get tiring and I often I have enough on my life plate to handle as it is. It's easier for me to just walk away. People always assume that they're the victim and the ones that are hurt when others walk away from the friendship. And yet they seldom stop to think that perhaps they were the ones who hurt and drove them away in the first place. Hence, they pull out that phrase, "True friends will accept you for who you are". Still, friends are only humans and humans tend to be rather self-centered so they only think of themselves first. It's normal I guess.
I have to admit that the few reasons why I was thinking about friendship in general is because Nic was flying off and I was going to miss her.
Next time I shall ponder upon the phrase, "True friends stand the test of time". Maybe I'll be less jaded then.
Wow. It's been exactly a year since I last posted anything.
I have to say things are a little different.
One, I'm no longer in a slump. Whoooo!
Two, I probably am a lot more matured in thinking. Hopefully. I don't know. More relaxed perhaps.
Things sure are looking up. I've made peace with most things that trouble me and I find myself a lot more selective when it comes to friends. Still it's reassuring to know that the small group of friends that I have are those I can trust and be comfortable with.
A part of me has stopped writing because perhaps my life doesn't feel significant enough to bear words.
At least that's how I feel. I'm graduating this year and in a few months time I'd feel like I'm stepping into a different world.
I do hope I'll stop to pen a few words before that happens but it's nice to look back at the past year and feel.. at ease.
I'm still mostly alone but with a significant difference.
Previously I would be alright with being alone but deep down it just felt so lonely and depressing.
I've come to terms with that and quite enjoy being alone most of the time. I'm just afraid that because I'm so steeped in this lifestyle I would end up being unable to allow new people into my life. A little afraid.
Oh well. Taking things one step at a time eh?
I hope to look back again sometime in June or on May 29th, the day of my last paper. Perhaps things might have changed a little or not at all. But sometimes it's nice to reflect. (:
Sometimes I think I jinx things when they're going right.
Right now I've been stuck in this slump for the past 5 days.
It got worse today. I feel almost apathetic at times.
I find myself staring into space for moments with my mind a complete blank.
For the most part I digress into bouts of feeling very very antisocial, imagining myself sitting alone in a box staring into space. I worry for my mental state at this rate. And thanks to this slump I haven't been able to do anything, not without losing interest very quickly.
I am finding it hard to focus. I know it's not good to suppress things but at this point in time I'm at a loss at what to do. I find myself naturally becoming disinterested quickly and almost reclusive. I should probably avoid people these days else I might offend someone. Sounds counter intuitive. Meh.
Can I attribute this to PMS? At the very least it means I'll come out of this slump. I really feel so darn moody all the time that it is becoming detrimental to my mental state to the point of depressive. Sigh.
Because Nic's all the way in Aussieland and has problems of her own I'm feeling terribly alone now. :( It scares me sometimes how reliant I am on only a few individuals and even then I hesitate at unleashing my problems onto them.
Sucks to be alone. Prayer helps.. but you still feel alone. Sigh.
:( Sure hope I get out of this slump soon.
maybe tonight we'll fly so far away we'll be lost before the dawn`