Busy busy and big news.......

Hello everyone. So, I actually have things to talk about! All in one weekend I had a birthday, graduated from college (again), and got engaged! Chris proposed on my birthday at home. He picked out a wonderful ring that is just perfect. It is weird cause I don't feel any different. I always knew it would happen, it was just a question of when. We will be getting married May 23, 2009 in Ladoga at the Old Normal. Details are still very much pending at this time. We plan on something small and simple. Money can only get us so far right now in this economy.

Graduating college was bittersweet. I enjoy the comfort of being in school because that means you are challenged and learning something new every day, but you aren't out there in the real world battling it out. There are no certainties or schedules to follow. It is now all up to me. I graduated with the Dean's Award, just as mom had before me. My only regret was that she was not physically there. She was in my heart and I thought about her throughout the ceremony. I fought the tears, cause I think she was telling me so. Afterwards we had dinner at Golden Corral. I originally had planned to invited friends and family to a cookout, but I felt that graduation was enough for one day, and I didn't want the added emotional stress of putting together a cookout. It worked out. It wasn't exactly what I had wanted, but it was all I could shoulder for that particular day. We also announced our engagement to family that day as well. It was easier to tell everyone at once than to make who knows how many phone calls.

I have had three interviews so far with Arnett....and no nibbles. I really do not enjoy Unity all that much as everyone wants to argue, and I really cannot handle that anymore. There was a time I would have went along with it, but really, I don't have patience with that sort of behavior from professionals. I only work as needed, and I have been working there these last couple weeks. I about told the office manager I had had enough, but didn't. I desperately need some pay checks. So I have to lower myself and put up with this until they are done with me. I was stressed all weekend long knowing I had to be there Monday morning. And for good reason it turned out. Just way too many personality conflicts and arguments over simple little things that do not affect the patient or anyone else for that matter. They pick just to pick. No other reason. And it is just hard to listen to petty little criticisms, especially when I receive them, because they are not constructive at all. I don't like it. I really don't know if it is worth it to me to work there next week. Every day I am there I want to cry from either anger, or from offense.

Jake is having issues with lameness as well. He has a bad knee for one thing. But he pulled a couple tendons in his lower front leg, and a sore shoulder to boot. He started to get well on that side when he went lame on his other leg. He is not at all pleased with me because I had the barn owner leave him in so he wouldn't go out and run and hurt himself more. He doesn't realize he is a senior and he is not on the track anymore. We have three new thoroughbreds at the stable who are all four years old. They are supposed to be on the track, but there is a back story somewhere in there that I am not aware of. Anyway, I think Jake wants to run and play with these youngsters, but he can't. He just does not realize his limitations, especially with that extremely arthritic knee of his. I fear he won't make it to 20 as is. I hate the idea of that because I love the big guy so much. I guess I would rather him die happy than miserable, which was the path he was on at one point in his life. He is so beautiful right now. Nat's little girl Hannah rode him not too long ago and they got along so well. Hannah had a blast and is a natural like her mom. Jake did good too, but he wanted to go! He is not much for being led around. But it was a good character builder for him.

I traded in my big old Jeep for a used Impala. Pretty much had to because the Jeep needed 2K worth of work for leaking lines in it. A dealer gave me a good price on a trade in, and I ended up with an '05 Impala with 20K miles. Not even broke in and not a scratch on it. Only ended up owing 5K on it, which was pretty darn good considering SUVs are not wanted by anyone right now. And rightly so. Chris traded in his Explorer for a Mustang. He didn't do so well with his trade, but with gas prices and a little lower of a payment, he is more ahead than he was with the gas guzzler. Feels much better paying $40/fillup than $70. Even that is absurd. If I go by what I was paying 7 years ago, I should not be paying over $20/fill up. This is insane. And no wonder why I am looking to cut corners on my own wedding.

Apollo is growing fast. He weighs over 20 pounds now and he can easily get onto the couch, even though he plays like he can't. But somehow he just magically appears on there. Hmmm. Currently he is trapped on the stair landing. He got up there real easy, now he can't figure out how to get down. Whine whine whine. His teeth hurt to no end too. Not for him, but for us. He steals things constantly and picks at us nightly. He only gets energy before bedtime. I take him on my walks, and he gets to the point you have to drag him. But miraculously two blocks from the house he gets his second wind....for the next two hours and won't calm down. Even in his boo box he turns into pure evil and destroys whatever is in reach of this evil fangs. Then he has his adorable moments. Those are a rarity.

Well, I think I better wrap this up. Ill be on at some point again for wedding planning details.

Apollo

It's a boy! Chris and I have a sweet bundle of joy with precious blue eyes and red highlights in his hair. He is 9 weeks old now, and he is an Australian Shepard. He has markings like a sheltie, but is a red merle. We got him in Illinois last weekend and we have not had a moments peace since! We have had lots of laughs from him, but unfortunately for him, the law must be enforced now unless I want to be chewed out of home and clothes. He is definitely very active, but he can fall asleep in a nano second. He has adjusted well to being away from his mom and siblings, except the first night was rough. We were up at 11p, 1am, 3 am, 5 am....you get the idea. The next night went better, and the next even better. He whines when he needs to go out. However, he has not mastered letting us know when he needs to potty when he is freely roaming the house! Just have to watch him close. Once he starts smelling and looking, you better be on the move! Cause there is an unpleasant surprise coming soon! He is getting pretty brave too. The first few days he would not leave our sides when he was in the house or outside. Now he is getting adventurous, which is fine, but not for the great outdoors. We have had to start using a leash when he goes out because he has not yet learned his name. We are working on name recognition and the "come" command. We are also trying to learn that a leash is not evil. In time. He goes to work with Chris on days he would be left in his crate for three hours or more. His coworkers keep threatening to steal him. He also visited the vet, and got a clean bill of health. My aunt works there and kidnapped him to show to everyone. He was the hit of the entire clinic. He is awfully entertaining too. He likes to sleep on his back, and he often dreams he is chasing something, as he will go all out in his sleep cycle. He is becoming more and more vocal, and sassy. He had his first time out this morning. And I am sure it will not be the last. I think this is what we call the terrible two's. He enjoys carrying his little food bowl around and dumping its contents onto the floor. Dinner is not edible until it is spread out on the floor.

In other news, I completed my administrative and clinical externs today, just in time for spring break. In a week, I will begin my phlebotomy extern at Witham Hospital in Lebanon. I hope to be there for 3 weeks, as I will start a prn (as needed) position at Unity, which pays me! I am also expecting to interview for another position within Unity, and I am acting on another Unity position in their Oncology Dept. I had applied to Arnett/Clarian a while ago. But I have a personal conflict with Clarian and I will not consider employment there nor accept a job offer. They could never pay me back enough for what they took away from me. I will never respect them again, nor will I be associated with that corporation. That is all the are and will ever be. Health care is lost with them, as are patient rights.

Jake is ok. His arthritis is progressing in his knee. Xrays revealed a bone chip, most likely a result from all those years on the track. I will not be having surgery on him. All I can do is keep him comfortable and healthy. Poor guy. It sucks getting old. Otherwise he is doing well. I bought him a bitless bridle that I hope to try out on him this weekend. He is just so bit sour that we cannot enjoy working under saddle. I decided to try this after a lot of research. I hope it works!!

Mulberry is boring like usual. You would think everyone would be all hyped up over Amanda getting into the top 12, but no. There is a sign in the restaurant, but that is it. I am waiting for the stinking news crews. But something tells me they won't bother with Mulberry. They will just go to Lafayette. This town isn't spectacular enough for television, and I rather like it that way!

So is anyone else absolutely sick and tired of winter? Oh my. I have spring fever so bad I can't stand it. I am still waiting for my cold to arrive. So far it has not bothered to surface. It's waiting in there, I know it. It will show its ugly face when I can't afford it to. Most likely in the middle of my phlebotomy extern!

Ok, well, that is probably the biggest update I have had in a long time. For those wanting to know, I am hanging in there. Life is still very different. I still very much miss mom. I certainly wish I could talk to her about school, job prospects, and upcoming graduation. Just want to her to smile down on me and make her proud.

American Idol

Hey guys! Been busy busy doing interns. So I don't post much! But I just wanted to say to all of you who watch American Idol.....VOTE VOTE VOTE! For who you may ask???? Well!! I will tell you. you have 3 choices....so this is simple: 1)Amanda Overmyer from Mulberry (Clears throat....MY TOWN).....2)Luke Menard from Crawfordsville (Clears throat....Where I grew up...sorta :-P) and 3)Amy Davis.....Purdue grad from IN (Um...she's a Hoosier who is a Boilermaker....figure it out). So anyway, get your phones ready, and do it cuz I said so! And like it cuz I expect it....bye bye!

A new year, new beginnings

Well, its a new year. I should be all motivated and excited, but yet, I am not. I try to keep myself pulled together. I have so many people tell me that they understand. Some do, some don't. If they have been where I am, they know, and I listen to them. If they have not, I politely thank them and tell them I am doing the best I can. Time has allowed me to laugh more and get back to some form of normalcy. Is it easy? Absolutely not. It is extremely hard. Sometimes something as simple as a song will set me into sobs. It's healing I suppose, to remember times that I should remember. Its those times that I should not remember that haunt me and continue to intensify the pain embedded in my heart. That pain comes and subsides, but it never goes away. All I can say is that I have had to search deep in myself to levels I have never been, to levels that go beyond the physical being that I am, and beyond that of my soul. Until you know for certain what I am talking about, you must think me to be crazy. But I am not. Trust me. If you carry faith, you will know what I speak of. I have to trust in someone who I cannot see that there is a purpose to everything that is on this earth. I just may not like or approve of the journey I have to embark upon.

Sentimental talk aside, things are as they are. I start my externs in a couple weeks. I am doing my clinical/administrative externs at Unity Urology, and my phlebotomy at Witham Hospital. I am nervous yet excited. To me it feels bittersweet.

Jake is doing well. I am sure that he is not enjoying the very cold weather, but I hear spring is coming. He has a big bag of peppermints that I need to take to the stable this afternoon. I am sure he will appreciate that. I had to get myself a rolling tack caddy because it was a long haul to carry everything just to groom and saddle him. Just picture little ole me with a bridle and halter hanging from my neck, saddle pads and tack box in one hand, and either my English or western saddle hanging off the other. Oh, let's not forget my helmet and chaps, and the many things that dropped out of my tack box on the way to the saddling area. And then imagine me in head to toe Carharts, gloves that won't allow my fingers to bend, tall arctic riding boots, knit stocking cap, and a scarf. And I wonder why Jake freaks out when I approach him. I must look like a monster with riding weapons.

Anywho. I am sure there is more I can ramble about, but I want some lunch! I made this little video thing on some website. I am sure Chris will give me "the look" once he finds out I posted it on my blog. Meh. He will live. I could do worse!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pictures with thoughts

Hello. I wanted to share some photos. I was driving home after a pharmacology exam the other day, and I was overcome with tears as I drove looking at what the ice fog had done to the trees. It was so pretty. I only thought of mom the entire time. I ventured out in her old red Jeep on the icy roads to snap some pictures. I only wish she could have been with me, as I know she would have had a nice time, or be stressed with me driving on ice! Although she would have been the one driving. Either way, it was peaceful for me as I went into the middle of nowhere. Just me and God. Not a soul could hear me or see me. I just needed to be alone and at peace for just a little while. I ended up driving down to Darlington to place some Christmas flowers on her grave. I knelt down and could not bring myself to leave. It was the first time I had gone down there alone. It was not until the tears froze to my cheeks that I knew I needed to move on. But I wanted that feeling of peace, and that was where I felt it. Nobody or no place else could bring that to me. I just needed and wanted to be there. The smiles and laughs I have are still fake, because I am not smiling or laughing on the inside. It may be some time before those things are genuine again. I just kind of take things in stride, and at times I do not feel like myself, or act like myself. One minute I am fine, the next I am someone completely different. I go through phases it seems. None of which are pleasant for me. People see me and think I am doing ok. But if they only knew that I still cry out and question everything in this world. If they saw the hole in my heart and how cheated I feel. If they only knew the world feels dark and cold to me still. I am just living. I am not exactly enjoying it. And I am not exactly in a depression. My faith is still alive. I find myself talking to God more than I used to. I am still searching for answers. The one question I continually ask Him is if my mom is ok. If she is with Him. Sometimes I get an answer. Sometimes I get nothing. What I have heard is "yes," and "I'm fine." Whether that is my imagination playing with my emotions, or true answers, I will never know. I don't feel angry. I don't feel I need to act out, or hide in a corner. I feel peace many times. And heartache. I do not have a ghost in the house. No unusual noises. No feelings of coldness or a breeze in a still warm room. Sometimes I feel as though I am not honoring her. But then I realize that the way I can honor her is to get my degrees, yup, that is plural, because I decided to get 2 (technically I will graduate with 3). Get my degrees and get into the field and start protecting my patients from the very profession that killed my mom. That is how I will honor my mom. Anyhow, I am also posting a picture of some flowers that mom received at the funeral. Thanks for reading all my thoughts. I still need support and I am still very much mourning my mom.

The Holidays

Hey all. I don't want to sound like Scrooge and go all "bah-humbug" on everyone, but I am, essentially. Please don't think I am trying to be rude if I do not send cards, participate in holiday festivities, or gift exchanges. I am simply not going to celebrate Christmas in the traditional sense, or I suppose in the pop-culture sense. Thanksgiving was especially hard on me. I volunteered to work because I did not want to be home. Then I cried the whole drive home and sat in my car for 5 minutes before I could compose myself enough to be around my family. Then, I am sure they thought I was rude, I hid for a little while until I knew no more tears would drop out unannounced. I cried myself to sleep the next 4 nights. Christmas will be that much harder. Mom and I usually did all the decorating and getting ready for the big day. This year, tradition will no longer exist for me, and I am choosing not to celebrate it as I have in the past. There will be memories followed by tears and several emotions taking me over. I have turned down one invitation for a dinner, and I am not turning it down to be rude or selfish, I am turning it down because that is how I am choosing to manage my sorrow. Some may agree, some may not. But until you have walked in these shoes, please don't judge. This is what is best for me right now, and I hope everyone can respect my decision. I do not need a tree to remind me of what I no longer have. I have memories, and that is all I need and want. That will be enough for this holiday.

A word or two...

There have been some recent events that have led me to say some things, but I find it safest to express them as they are said in the Bible:

Colossians 3:13 speaks so simply and yet so radically to us: Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Lord, in your presence and by your help, I here and now choose to forgive ___________ for ____________. I cancel the debt I’ve been trying to collect. I renounce all attempts on my part to punish him/her for what he/she did. I extend grace to him/her, just as you, O Lord, have shown grace to me and forgiven me.

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” —Matthew 12:36-37

Ezekiel 16:44 “Everyone who quotes proverbs will quote this proverb about you: ‘Like mother , like daughter.’

Proverbs 14:17 A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated.