New life in NorCal

 It just hit me few minutes ago that it's been two years since I landed in California. Well, not definite if landed is the right word since I drove cross-country with what I can fit in my sedan. In the span of these 24 months, I'm still trying to process everything that's happened: moved to 3 places during that time, started and left a job, started a new one going on 5 months,  made and lost friends, relationship ending, dog passing, son getting into a bad accident that he's still recovering from, gone on a ton of one-off "dates" for possible friends or even potential boyfriends maybe?,  along with random hookups, starting from scratch in a second city, along with living close to my parents for the first time in 20+ years.

I'm using this again to document my day to day stuff to have something to go back to as well since my memory has been shit over time. The new city I moved to has been nice overall, it's got a small town vibe and a bigger city amenities and just taking a little getting used to since it's about 90 mins away from my previous residence. Took a gamble in a way since I've only briefly visited this city before coming up to look at potential places to rent when I heard back about this current role that I have that I didn't think I landed. It's in the Cybersecurity field which I've been trying to crossover into after having pigeon-holed myself in desktop support/sys admin kind of roles. There were something about my previous coworkers too that I'm still trying to figure out to this day that just robbed me off the wrong way. 

A "friend" that I knew from the East Coast visited me for a few days so that was nice to spend time with him for a longer amount of time. I'm not even definite what kind of relationship we have, deeper than strangers but shallower than friends in a way. There were some things we talked about, but kinda stayed in the surface other than us getting physical time and time again. I remember periods where I pulled away from him completely since I wasn't sure what we're in for, or even why. And yet, here we are 10+ years later. He's one of multiple people I keep in the periphery, as to why I hope to discover in time since I'm prone to doing so. We had a great time overall, he's funny and witty so a lot of banter throughout the 72 hrs of his visit, hitting up a few local watering holes, and visiting a car museum and Schulz museum for a special member's only reception where they unveiled this year's Great Pumpkin in time for Halloween. 

(Publishing now and going back later since I'm going to the movies)

Some favorite things: Harold & Maude

 I don't remember exactly how I heard about this movie, but in the mood of rewatching it tonight since it was such a sweet movie. 

One favorite dialogue:

H: I decided right then that I enjoyed being dead.

Maude: I understand. A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance*. Get hurt, even. But play as well as you can. 

Courage or Foolishness

 I'm rereading a book by Osho called Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously. My partner's away for the night and our son is out with his friend so it's just me and the dog.

I tried watching ANY thing but that didn't fare well and opted to turn the TV off and enjoy the silence. It's really nice out and you can hear the wind, crickets and occasional barking of neighborhood dogs.

I'm moving cross-country alone and I haven't even packed yet. Granted I'm only bringing clothes, and whatever I can fit in the car. Maybe it's not a full-on move so the weight of it hasn't hit me yet. 

I'm reading this book again maybe to help comfort myself that I'm doing what's necessary for my growth, trying the unknown again after moving to DC without knowing a single soul. 16 years later and I've built a little village of loved ones.  Part of me is wondering why I wanna leave that behind now? 

I'll miss the sensation of having my dog sleep on my leg. Taking this picture to help capture the moment I suppose. The little ball of warmth leaning against my thigh. Now I'm sad, though not sure why since we're in this space together.I've had him for 10 years shy of 20 days, and will he be ok? Or would I be ok? 

As the day I'm heading west comes close, every tasks takes on a different meaning. It's like they're more precious now than they were a year, or even 2 months ago.

Suddenly Tuesday

 Welp! So much for making blogging my goal while I went home. For the abridged version, I went back to the Philippines with a one-way ticket and been here 2.5 months now. I've been meaning to come back for a while but just kept stalling it. Then finally closer to fall, having left a job before Covid hit, and not having picked up a new one out of choice, I hopped on a plane bound to Manila. 

It felt like I've hit a wall in a sense being in the US for 20 years, and career-wise, I was having a hard time reconciling continuing my career choice after high school. More on that later. 

It's definitely nice being here and having disposable 'income.' I missed the lifestyle some and the food for sure. I've visited my childhood homes, seen old neighbors and friends, classmates, reminiscing and hearing about how I was when I was younger. 

Funny to think I was the quiet, bookworm kid in the neighborhood but apparently that was not the case. A  lot of neighbors' memories was me just running around the streets, playing street games, hide and seek, football, etc with my trademark curly hair and white wife-beater shirts or sando, as we call them. 

I initially rented out a condo my first month here in the city, close to where I grew up for sake of familiarity. Definitely did a lot of walking, going to the fresh market to get breakfast, visiting our old homes to see how it might have changed over the years. The memories just came flooding, as I walk the streets I used to walk by myself, or with friends. I just visited my grandma for a day or two here and there, but eventually they were calling every other day which was a tad annoying so I ultimately did not extend my condo stay and moved in with her at their house an hour away from the city. 

It's a coincidence she happened to be here since she otherwise lives in Norway. I was shooting for her to not be here but alas, that wasn't what ended up happening. She's 84 now, and granted she's still doing good for her age, can't really take her to my excursions since I practically just walk and walk, exploring since I can't really travel due to the lockdowns in the other parts of the country. 

It's great otherwise, getting to eat her cooking everyday. She made sure to cook all my favorite dishes, along with making flan which was something I only got to eat thrice a year. It's a struggle at times since the boss/independent part of me wants to do things a certain way, but I hid it away while I'm here which can be hard. Such a delicate balance trying to maintain.

Staying with her on this go, it's interesting to see where some of my traits that I picked up subconsciously pops up and glares right at my face. Some of it can be cultural however, with Filipinos being more of a group-think vs you thinking of yourself as an individual. Other families might have done better with it, but with mine, they tend to have a habit of saying the opposite of what they mean, and you're just supposed to pick up on that. Hiding secrets which I have been guilty of, and still am to this day. 

Partly why I wanted to get away as well. I was hoping I can observe from my current life from a distance, and see it from the outside looking in. Hasn't quite happened yet haha, might need help from a therapist like I used to. Of course, no matter what decisions I'm making, or refusing to make, things are still happening and I'm affecting things either way. 

New beginning

Whoa, it didn't seem that it's been practically a year since I last posted. Alas, that's beside the point. I'm just sitting here at a bookstore with the intention of finishing my essay, but that hasn't been the case. Been doing everything but write it. It's actually nice just sitting out here, just watching people and "acting" like I'm working on something. It's refreshing instead of finding things to do at home.

It's been six months since I resigned from my job. I got back from a long vacation, thinking it would hold me over for three months which is when I was planning to leave my job otherwise. I got back, and two weeks in, put in my resignation. There really wasn't a defining moment that did me in, it was a gradual process with little things here and there, until one day, I finally was honest to myself that I can't work where I was working any longer.

Since then, I just kinda took it easy and did nothing. I initially signed up for a class but dropped it so I can take a real break or escape so to speak. It was nice not having to wake up, shower, get dressed, then go to work, go home then repeat. Granted that didn't last long since I ended up getting a puppy in mid-October. He's gonnabe eight months this April and I loooove him.

I've been doing classes full time this spring, and last week for spring break, I went to Puerto Rico for a few days to visit my  old dog at my ex's parents. I haven't seen him in a few years ever since the break up and at the time, I felt that he belonged to my ex more with him having bought him and everything. It was great getting to see him again (the dog that is) that I actually cried for a good hour after going to my room and him following me and licking me and me hugging him. . Puerto Rico was nice, and it reminded me so much of the Philippines which made me miss it. He's changed but still the same. I haven't been back since 2006, but at the same time, I don't really have anyone to go back there to since most of my family are abroad. My ex's parents were really great, and his brother was there so got to hang with him, and they showed me around the West Coast. I only got to stay for four days but will definitely come back. I said goodbye to Caeden and I started crying but was happy at the same time. It just felt good getting to see him again. He's not 100 % well because of his hips which is apparently an issue boxer dogs usually have.

I'll get my dog back tomorrow, the boyfriend asked to keep him a week after watching him while I was gone. It helped since I got to just take it easy, and do some spring cleaning, which I probably would not have done if the puppy was here. It's not so much that he needs to go out constantly but I've become attached and liked having him around me all the time.

Today, I came by my old job to do interviews for a school paper. It was nice seeing some people I used to work with/for, and just catch up. I stayed for a few hours, and instead of going home, went to the bookstore for a bit. Gotta get back to the essay....well to it.

Today was a good day, and I'm thankful I got to see this day.

Back "home" again...

I'm on the train heading back to DC after spending a weekend in Philly. The first time I actually spent some time here instead of driving up and back the same day. The past two times have been mainly to see a live show which coincidentally is the same band, Florence and the Machine two consecutive years.

I actually came up to spend time with a guy I finally met in person after having spoken/texted for the past seven months. He was in Baltimore not too long ago for a conference and with it being only an hour away, I decided to drive up and have lunch with him. I was initially planning on going Friday night but alas, that didn't happen since I got too tired by the time I got home from work. Ran late Saturday morning so we only got to hang out for close to two hours, since he had to catch a train back home. We opted for a diner, and just chatted and talked about random things: our backgrounds, work, hobbies, etc and music. It still makes me giddy when I meet people who listen to all sorts of music, and knows the obscure artists I like.

Since then, he's visited DC twice and I figured it'll be my turn to visit this time around. He's a really great guy, real loving and looks out for his loved ones, and has a good sense of humor and gets my jokes/has come backs to my sarcasm. And cute to boot, and a really great dresser. It just clicked when we met, and when we were talking about it one time, he said it scares him a bit but I get him. And I can say the same thing. It's interesting how life is sometimes, I've met guys ever since I moved to DC and the one I just connected with isn't even local but oh well, it's still a good thing.

Other than that, my best friend moved back to the area so that was nice. I never thought he would from the way that he used to talk about hating DC, but guess if you just look for things to see/do, it changes what you think of it. Or at least that's how I see it. True, time to time I hate it here but I think that happens when I don't make an effort of seeing what's going on in the area. So anyways, he's gonna be renting out the spare room in the house. I initially was gonna stay in it, and rent out the basement instead but after seeing all the stuff involved to rent it legally, figured I'll be better off staying in it to get some more room.

Work-wise, I'm still meh about it. I got promoted so my role has changed some and I'm now a lead in one of our section's team. There's just so much that's been going on the past few months: systems going down, learning my new job function and taking off some of my hats from my previous role, it gets to me at times that I get frustrated and just wanna leave. I'll give it sometime though and see how things go, and make changes to what I think can be improved. By default, I'm one to just up and leave if I feel something's not working, instead of trying to work things through. Anywho, the train's in DC now so will be signing off so I can go home and call it a day.

Darn coffee

Well so much for enjoying a starbucks coffee last earlier today. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if it's me staying up this time last night or drinking coffee today that has me still awake at this hour. Good thing we have a delayed arrival of 11 AM tomorrow.

The weekend was pretty quiet overall. It was productive to an extent since I got my room organized some more. Been purging things that I no longer need/have a use for but started with my clothes mainly. I don't think my style has changed much except I accumulated quite a bit, going back to 2003. The house doesn't really have that much closet space, so just really need to decrease what I have.

Other than that, lost my phone Friday so that sucked a bit. It fell off of my jacket while I was riding the bike. The phone did have a feature that let me locate it/send message to it, but alas whoever found it didn't plan on returning it despite of me offering to give them money for it/numerous times it was called. It sucks people would do that but ah well, guess they balance the ones who returns things they found like the one time I dropped my phone on the bus. It didn't have a passcode at that time, that I felt vulnerable that they would see every text/e-mails/pictures the phone has. But alas, the most they did was look through my contacts and call my mom to tell her they found her son's phone. I was so touched by what they did I ended up getting them a thank you/gift card as a token of my appreciation.

Getting back to the now, work's been kicking my ass the past few weeks. It's like all its pieces keep acting up one way or another, and as much as it's not because of my doing, it still sucks. I find myself dreading to get up and come in, knowing that a call or e-mail would come in saying something's wrong with it. I still have so much to learn about it, but all these problems happening are forcing me to learn quicker so just gotta look at it that way, but it still SUCKS!!!  I put my resume out just to get a feel for jobs out there but will see. My goal is to really know about the product I'm supporting in and out, but will have to learn it on my own.

Well, sleepiness is sneaking in. Gotta take advantage of it, nite!