2012: Review

When I started 2012, I had a blind optimism that things would work out without knowing if I had the capabilities to do so. It was fraught with waves after waves of struggles, frustrations and disappointments. Through it all, I found love, hope, peace and joy.

The presence of God in my life changed how I perceived things, the "suffering" was merely an act of refinement, a process of weeding out impurities.

I closed my eyes on the idolatry of material things, realizing how foolish it was. I was merely chasing after the wind. Yet, the period was short (relatively speaking), lasting from end of last year to May this year. I was looking at the wrong places and wanted to achieve "success" so quickly that I was beginning to lose myself.

He yanked me back in place, slapped me with a large trout and set me moving towards His plans.

There were so many moments this year that I just cannot recount them all. There were also so many occurrences beyond my comprehension that really opened my eyes and heart.

I never did realize the amount of love I had surrounding me. Now I do and shall love everyone back.

I never did think that I could reach a stage in life where I could not surmount any difficulties. But I did. And I learnt to rely on Him.

I never thought I would fall on my knees, feeling so defeated, reeling in the darkness, before He lifted my tear-filled eyes and told me everything will be alright, as long as I believed.

I never thought I would one day go for bible study classes, discuss theological questions, read The Word daily, ponder about what good I should do, throw my insecurities out of the window, help out the less fortunate; but I did and more.

I never believed in anything other than my own hands and I truly saw that they are not enough.

I never thought I would receive love of such multitude (divine and human) but I did.

More than once, the perfect timing and synchronisation of events left me awe-struck and breathless. How could it be so?

Going forward, I can see His hand in so many aspects in my life. Instead of having a goal-driven new year resolution that I will definitely not keep, I just want to be a better person next year. To achieve more in my short time on Earth, to get closer to Him, to love more, to cherish more people. I am grateful and thankful to all my family and friends (even though I know I don't see you but I know you still care for me. Sorry I've been hiding in the shadows) I ask for forgiveness for all my past sins and transgressions, I hope some of you will forgive me for my ineptness and general crappy attitude.

I am happy that many of you are getting married, finding success in your careers, in the process of loving someone more each day, chasing after your dreams. (Yes, I still watch you live your life on Facebook.)

I never thought I would find peace but as I write this, I feel an overwhelming gush of happiness and thankfulness.

And I offer a peace offering to Him. Thank you, Lord.

After fire, the refined product emerges.

[On a side note: I have to eat healthier, live healthier, and lose the excessive weight I gained this year by sitting on my lazy butt while nursing a still injured slipped disc.]

(Sorry friends whom I haven't seen in awhile, I'm still working on that. Still somewhere on my hermit mountain but I will catch up soon.)

Photography and Memory

My mom was clearing up old photo albums and I took the chance to do a dirty digitisation of the images using my phone. Saw the pictures of my parents' marriage, how they looked so young and uncertain about the future. Then I came along, followed by my brother. More infant pictures, family trips, wedding dinners, birthday parties, funerals, Christmas, more trips to Genting. Somewhere along the way things started fading as the amount of documentation decreased. Perhaps it coincided with the family's disintegration. It made me teary-eyed and nostalgic of a simpler time (that occurred before my brain was capable of forming memories). But the tactile act of flipping through physical albums, sifting through history like a historian, makes the entire experience so different compared to flicking through a digital album.

Man On Elevator

He alighted from the train, absorbed in his thoughts. He walked past the other passengers, towards the stairs that led to the gantries on the floor below. Then he paused, looking up at the station's name, realising he got off at the wrong stop. Unsure of why he did it, he turned around and walked back to the platform. He waited patiently for the next train to arrive.

12.12.12

Not again in a hundred years.

A sequence as such: 12/12/12 12:12:12

What am I doing? Probably nothing much, staring out the window dreaming about better times to come.

What are you doing? What are you dreaming of?

A year has passed. Amazing changes, small progress but incredibly lightened. How has your year been?

Looking forward to the new year as always, a human construct - this segregation of time but it brings new hope.