Aspirations

The past few weeks have been intense, with regards to my struggle to understand how all of these struggles relate back to lessons in life. The biggest revelation I received was one on our lofty, earthly aspirations that drive us to do what we do.

I realized with a gasp that I had pursued this path on an entirely godless manner - chasing after dreams of riches and wealth, only to be reminded that in the end, all of it does not matter. When I observed the people around me at work, I view with repulsion what they held close to them - money. Yes, money is good, one cannot survive without money but when all that pushes you forward is money, then what happens in the end when you received all that you needed? I saw the empty vacuous eyes on people who achieved that "dream", propelled only by the wish to acquire wealth.

Isaiah 44: 9-11
All who make idols are nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless.
Those who would speak up for them are blind; they are ignorant, to their own shame.
Who shapes a god and casts an idol, which can profit nothing?
People who do that will be put to shame; such craftsmen are only human beings.
Let them all come together and take their stand; they will be brought down to terror and shame.

When I left my stable job (slightly more than one year ago), I was filled with the desire to excel at trading, thinking that I had acquired the skills required to reap untold riches from the markets. In the ensuing months, all I received were brutal hard knocks, kicks and punches, leaving me tired and disappointed. I still enjoy the intellectual capacity of it but I finally realized that my aim of gaining wealth was entirely wrong.

Reading biographies of successful traders, it was obvious that money to a lot of them was secondary. Yes, perhaps many started off like me, thinking that they could temper the wild gyrations, but most ended up crushed within their first 3 to 5 years. That brought many of them to seek guidance and develop an outlook unparalleled by others over the years that followed. It was not the money that drove them, it was the puzzle-solving, the passion for the markets that did it for them.

And I humbly accept this revelation. I was wrong in my pursuit, placing money before God, placing dreams borne of materialism before acts of faith.

Bruised, battered and wiser. I carry on searching. Now, my focus is not on gaining temporal wealth, but eternal. In the mean time, I am starting to develop a long term outlook, to find a working environment here that will allow me to grow more (spiritually and intellectually), not steeped in the need to chase dollars, but to develop a greater understanding of things in life (and the markets).

Shoulders of Giants

Sometimes it's ironic how I am awe-struck with a certain idea that comes up from nowhere only to discover that somebody else did impressive work on it 20-30 years ago. No doubt, the Internet has helped to reduce the time taken to elucidate ideas but it has also largely flattened the playing field, allowing only those with truly time-tested models to succeed.

The more I struggle with the idiosyncrasies of the intraday timeframe, the more I believe that moving up to a higher timeframe will soothe some of the issues that I have encountered along the way. Jump diffusions occur on a  higher frequency, leading to often unpredictable results. Been cracking my head around a time series analysis textbook since last week and it has been helpful to illustrate concepts that I had previously read and mostly gleaned over. By illustration, it also means that I am spending time trying to figure out all the squiggly lines with the low level of mathematics that I sadly possess.

That said, I am starting to develop a greater feel of what I intellectually can accept and hopefully be able to test it out in the future. In the mean time, I am also questioning the efficacy of me being confined in a space that neither recognizes my capabilities nor provide any form of guidance.

My desk is littered with countless academic papers, my calculator and reams of scrap paper. Where could I go next that would allow me to develop this further?

Le Good Life..

There are moments when I see amazing creative work out there on the web that elicit a soft scream. I long to return to that fold, making things that cause people to go "wow", creating things that I can boldly say, yes, it was an embodiment of me.

Had a long conversation with N today, updating him on what has happened at the firm for the past month and he looked me right in my eyes and said, "Seriously bro, you are getting blatantly exploited right now." And I struggle to refute that, yet deep down, I am happy to be creating and crafting at work now...yes, things seem to be shaky, not going well, my funds are almost dry, I am eating myself inside out and yet...I don't know why I am persevering. I question the amount of pain I am taking in, the lack of hard dollars that I am not receiving and countless other questions that rattle me down to the core - faith in myself, and/or in the people I work with.

I don't have a clear answer, my beliefs are shaken. Dragging that corpse along, like a zombie.

When I had tea with K yesterday, he reminded me of the doldrums of the corporate world that I dislike. But N reminded me today that one has to be realistic, quoting from Jerry Maguire. I am seriously torn. With the job market at its current stasis, I am left without a route out...unless I really sell my soul and don some suit that will cause me to bang my head against the wall endlessly.

Deadline. Stop. Go.

Negotiations. Two weeks ago, had a major meeting with the management, presented my business proposal, chock full of plans and operational issues. Not sure if they will accept it. Even then, what can they do to ensure that my loyalty stays? What probability of success do I even foresee?

K told me about this firm that I was actually in talks with for employment right at the time I chose this path. I was flabbergasted at what I heard, the lack of skills and immediately thought about how I could have provided so much more (and my bank account would actually be happier).

Seriously, was this one of those major fucked-up decisions I made in life?

Remind self: no regrets, I said.

Yay, go fuck yourself. Really.

Queue Theory

Read an article on why a multi-queue system causes more unhappiness as compared to a single-queue system. Answer was interesting - people were generally unhappy when they saw the line next to theirs moving faster and even though the waiting time is faster as compared to a single queue, the discontent remains. Hence, it would be better for businesses to use a single queue and install mirrors, because when the customer is occupied, the wait time will seem to be shorter.