Pies

A life divided into parts.

Past two weeks have got me thinking about motivations in life, how we change over time, eventually rolling over and giving up.

What happens when the dream you wanted to achieve for the past five years, the one that you allowed to define you as person, becomes nothing but smoke?

Or what about those grand dreams you had: traveling, moving overseas, challenging job; get replaced by mundane demands of society here?

Would you define giving up as growing up then, since those dreams were half part lingering adolescent hope, half part young adulthood idealism? We shed off those lofty goals and decide that, hey, maybe I was just being too dreamy back there.

Matrimony, HDB queue numbers, COEs. Yes, many dreamt of those and have them now but what about the rest of us that dreamt other things and have yet to see any shimmering light of hope?

To press on or to give up? To bow to societal forces?

Yours to figure out.

P.S. I am still fighting.

Metamorphosis

Seeing changes in people. How time has changed us all. No, we aren't who we were ten years ago. The world has changed too.

Instead of emerging as beautiful butterflies out of our chrysalis, we emerge ugly grey moths, flitting towards lights that bear promise but most likely turn out to be deathtraps.

People growing up, fulfilling certain rites of passage as adults; some of us refusing to accept our lots in life.

To think that we live in abundance is better than living in lack. I have seen how the latter makes one petty, jealous and anxious about the future.

No longer the same emotions dealing with the markets now. Good changes. Steadily, step by step.

Limitations

Limited time, limited budget. In the middle of the busiest holiday taking season.

Makes for some frantic planning.

The Sun In Your Eyes

I was looking at the moon that reflected sunlight that was shining in your eyes. And then the sun was rising, as night fell where you were.

9 hours of sleep in 72 hours is damaging. But the body enters a stage where it continuously pumped adrenaline to keep you awake, perhaps numbing things a little, then crescendoing into a massive panic attack, reticence and then staring into blank space, thinking incoherent thoughts.

9 a.m. Not quite sure how 72 hours ago I was just getting up for work, stumbling onto a train and the subsequent unfolding of events in slow-mo. Then fast-mo: Train. Work. Markets going up and down. Back home. Insomnia. Naked people on TV. Blood. Short nap. Train. Work. Markets going up and down. Empty food court. Messages. Disappointment. Queue. Flashing lights. Alcohol. Weird people. Old faces. Sleeping people. Puking people. Foreigners. Midgets. Sad lonely men. Young nubile women. Tattooed ex-convict. McDonald's sausage mcmuffins. Potbellied Indians. Screaming German. Policemen. Daybreak. Stumbling. Sleep. Lunch. Random eatery. Sitting by the road. Rain. Busstop. Long journey. Home. More TV. No sleep. Panic. TV. More panic. No sleep. Messages. Fishing gear. Bus ride. Dinner. Pond. Sandflies. Dog. Old uncles. Rain. Mosquitoes. Rain. Staring at the moon. Looking at the rainclouds. Fishing line. Bread. Hotdog. Cat food. Kembong. Chicken liver. Stale dough balls. First light. Girl with weird posture. Taxi. Investment analyst son in Shanghai. Pride. Home. Washing. Breakfast. Same old food. Home. Sleep.

I am building a tower of $1 coins so I can afford a short trip. I wonder how much I have had. At least two hundred I hope.

Slow Down, Please!

How many times have you caught yourself saying something like, I wish I had more time to this and that? And then when you actually have free time, you find yourself vegetating in front of the TV/computer/iPad, surfing aimlessly or watching some random American/Korean/Taiwanese serial? How many times have you then gave yourself an excuse, I will do this tomorrow or next week, I'm feeling so tired now?

I find life to be moving a little too fast these days, gone were the days of aimless withering, now I seem to be living in constant fear and occasional angst. Three weeks into work at the new place and I see how money can be so easily made and lost within milliseconds. It's an uphill battle and I need more faith to survive, to achieve my dreams.

It is definitely easier when you have someone to share those dreams with. What do you really want out of this limited time on Earth?