Dirt

Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony

Everyone gathered around a hole in the ground. The sun hung high in the clear blue sky, a slight breeze brought mild comfort in the intense heat. People stood under umbrellas; some sobbing, others with stoical expressions. There was no birdsong, just a heavy silence punctuated by cries. The excavator's engine rumbled to a start.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Rivulets of sweat down my back. Everyone watched as the dirt was slowly piled on. Nothing stirred except the machine. I focused on its elegant movements, up and down, left to right, listening to its constant vibrations.

I could feel the soft mud sinking around my feet, I switched my attention between the clouds and the family. It was sad to see the living suffer. Emotions welled up as the last clump was thrown in, the cries reached a crescendo, many turned their backs to walk away.

"I love you, son! Till we meet again!" the father shouted for one last time.

Do not let your hearts be troubled.

There were only three of us left in the end. We stood over the half-filled hole, each with memories running through our heads. N lit a cigarette and placed it near the makeshift tombstone, "Nabei, nobody burned for you. Nah brother, I burn one for you. One last one together."

N, the emotional one. He whom I was doing everything for. Two deaths within the span of one year would be taxing on anyone. A father and a close friend. It was the living that I was more concerned about.

As the cigarette burned, we laughed at some random joke. He would be enjoying himself now, watching us. Was never close yet his passing had a strange effect on me. Perhaps a strong jolt of reality - to remind myself that life on this plane is too short. We may live each day just scraping by, barely living, only dreaming but never realizing them.

Carpe diem et memento mori, my dear friends. Do not be reckless yet live with an intensity, an intensity for life itself. Love the people around you more. Do not waste time with worthless people.

Fragility of Life

Was just ruminating this afternoon about how fragile our lives are, how easy it is to just disappear like that.

Went out to get food when I saw this pot of dead plant right beside the rubbish bin. When I came back, a friend called me but I didn't hear my phone. He left me a text message, asking me to call him back. He had bad news for me.

I called. The last time he told me he had bad news was when his father passed away last year. I remember four of us, his closest friends, carrying the coffin down the road.

Muffled, he told me the news. A friend of ours (one of the four) passed away this morning. It was a freak accident. Shocked. I didn't know what to say.

"Where are you? What's gonna happen? How are his parents taking it?"

That was all I could muster. Followed by a lot of expletives and what-the-fucks.

After the call, I started informing the rest of the people who knew him.

The conversations went:
"Have you heard?"

"Oh my god. What happened?"

Some details.

"What the fuck. Seriously, what the fuck?!?!"

"Yes, I know. Really what the fuck right."

The lack of adjectives and nouns was all we could say.

Life's just too unpredictable. We spend each day complaining about the smallest things in our lives - the dumb/stupid people around us, the small paycheck, the crowded train in the mornings. We lose sight of the important things.

After lying in bed for an hour, calling/messaging people, I decided to step out to the coffee shop. I walked past the rubbish bin again. Someone had stolen the pot and uprooted the plant. Funny what life serves up.

Insulation

Isolating myself quite a fair bit these few weeks? Why? I don't know really know. Not much compulsion to meet up with people, although I did see my friends last week. Twitter updates, whatsapp and occasional gchats help me to stay abreast of their matters. How much has friendship evolved through the ages!

Churning, vegetating at home. Not doing much except my weekly homework, job scours and news.

Most unexciting if you ask anyone.

But really, maybe I'm just sick of myself being around people.

At a random gathering this week, I was surprised to see many people. And the usual thread went, "Oh him/her? I've not seen him/her since we left school two years ago!"

Enough said. I do not like to socialize much.

This week was brutal at work as we tried to make sense of the Japan earthquake and the market's reactions. Experienced some intense whipsaws, which translated to lots of frantic mouse-clicking, swearing and caffeine consumed. I really like the work, just wish salary was commensurate with actual output.

Tonight's the super moon. And I'm staying chained at home on a Saturday night. Everyone knows I get lunatic during full moons.

A deep rift is forming within. I can sense it coming but I do not understand it.

I need more time. Always need more time. Please forgive me.

Nouvelle Vague - Heart of Glass

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much to mistrust, love's gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I'm the one you're using, please don't push me aside
We could made it cruising, yeah

It's just no good
You teasing like you do

Dream Within A Dream

Retreat back into the wilderness, pine trees running straight to heaven. Winter. Snow falling, footsteps disappearing.

You awake, breathless. Warm breath condensing in the cold air. Heart pounds. Nothing in the dark. Nothing in the bright.

Who are you with?

All alone.

Never opening that box again. Full of what makes you human.

And it's cold to the touch.

Fader

The pain is slowly dissipating. At least it's much better now. I can walk without much pain, mornings are not that much of a struggle. I hope that I will get even better soon. Need to constantly remind myself that I should not overexert myself. I got into this state because I refused to listen to my body all these years.

And it really shocked me into getting insurance, being more aware of the need to protect from the downside.

Also, I seem to be more aware of posture and the need for one to have a healthy back. When I make it big one day, I will open up a back center for people. No one should go through that kind of pain that I went through.

Tremors

Pre-forteen hundred hours. Came back early from lunch because someone had some trades on and fretted about it. He called me three times to ask questions that were not tolerable. So I had to step back in to save his ass.

Earthquake strikes Japan.

"How's the Japan trade?"

"It's good I cleared it."

Trust. Turned back to focus on the Hong Kong trades.

Massive damage in Tokyo. Images of tsunami wiping out cars and boats. Fire at oil refineries.

"Uh, there's something wrong with the Japan trade."

"What? What are you saying?"

Long lines of explanation followed. My heart sank. Fuck. I have not encountered this kind of error ever. It was not acceptable.

"Alright, never mind. I will see how I can save this situation."

Calls, IBs. Rapid tapping of the table. Please let this go through.

Another broker, "I'm sorry but our Japan counterparts just evacuated the building. Don't think we can solve the problem today."

Fuck.

Some other measures were taken, found an answer for the client and massive praying that Japan opens not too oversold on Monday.

Monetary loss wasn't massive but a dent on the coworker's records. Head of department chided him slightly, demanding an incident report.

Two hours later, the director stomped in, heading straight for my jugular.

"What was that! How can this kind of thing happen? You're the fucking sales trader, you're supposed to make sure everyone works to your standard. If you're not happy, you can jolly well f them. If he's not good, f him. If she's not good f him. Everyone here is at your disposal. But you answer to me for their mistakes. I will come after you if there's another screw up."

Bam.

And I sat there in silence. One eye on my Hong Kong trades (shaved 11bps off one, and 8bps off another, beat the benchmark yet again. Minor victory.).

Thoughts flew through my head. What the fuck? It wasn't even my fault. Fine, I didn't double check his trade but seriously, do you expect me, the lowest paid person at the fucking desk, to make sure everyone does his/her job?

Almost wanted to walk out there and then. Took the shelling. Swallowed my spit.

Hong Kong close. Placed the rest of the trades for the day.

Messages started popping in: I'm sorry, chillax bro, take it easy, I will support you.

Vaporous cloud of bullshit.

Thanks for nothing.

Elevator Arising

It was old and grey, this
elevator
Buttons of floors it serves, not as a slave but destiny, glimmer
In the tungsten light
Sequential, non-sequential, skipping a few
floors
I forgot where I was heading and hurriedly chose a stop
Up it went, hurtling towards uncertainty (for me) but surety for it
Panic, more buttons pressed in randomness
Speed increased; machines weren't suppose to act this way
I felt a gush of air, whoosh the elevator went
And emerged, way past the limit,
heading towards the sky:
A projectile released
Fear. Grip tight!
The metal wire will guide you back
Bright light flooded my senses
I had escaped
into the unknown

Quiet Corner

On a round acrylic stool I sat. Rain had fallen, a cool constant breeze stirred.

Staying away from the constant ramblings and ringings.

It wasn't all quiet, the whirring of the air conditioning units.

Close my eyes and feel the pain rummage through every sinew. Open my eyes and it all be gone.

Some KTV music playing in a far away corner. Retirees singing their own love stories, memories of days gone by.

Rain fell again. Pitter patter of life giving force.

No more again, this wretched feeling of worthlessness. I was wrong.

More so than anything I sought now, a light at the end. But how bright would it shine? Would I turn my head away?

Wedding Dinner

Awkward hellos and silences.

We watched each other's mannerisms, familiar and weird at the same time.

Introducing self as my mother's son and a flash of recognition.

Got paraded around with my brother. We were prized dogs at a dog show.

"You were so much smaller last time, oh how time has flown!"

More awkward silences. Whip out phone, fiddle, fiddle.

Let's see how the markets are doing in the U.S.

Oh not so good. Thankfully my position is still intact.

Glasses of merlot downed. Ok, turning red. Looked at brother, he was equally flushed. Hadn't had much opportunities to drink with him.

We started dissing people, the food, the staff. Both of us, peas in a pod.

Uncles at the next table getting rowdy over alcohol. Started taunting a child.

Twenty-three hundred hour. Time to leave.

Stood outside Singapore's largest KTV with my mom and aunt, looking way out of place.

Time to go. So long, "family". Hope not to see you again.