Have not seen you in a while.
The other night, you ran off to a corner of the rooftop patio.
Saw you flushed with alcohol running through your veins and smoke from your nostrils.
You leaned against the wall, seemingly unconcerned with the outside world.
Truth is, you weren't.
The inner turmoil built up. Slowly eating, gnawing at the unbelievable fortitude you have.
And like all walls ravaged by age, that wall of yours started to crumble.
I looked at you and wanted to cry for I felt your grief.
You do know that all this will come to pass?
Sunday, February 27
Hideout
Afflicted by terrible tension headaches stemming from the neck. Back still giving me ambulatory problems.
Had a week of bad sleep, mainly plagued by dreams and the more I record them, the higher the prognosticatory abilities I attribute to these nightly emissions of my subconscious.
Bull? Perhaps.
But I have nothing much to believe in anymore.
Tried to get away but no place, without strangers, abounds. (A triple negative?)
And the damn phone never stops beeping.
Rounds of coffee later, nothing is changed. And the need to hide remains.
Where can I disappear to?
Had a week of bad sleep, mainly plagued by dreams and the more I record them, the higher the prognosticatory abilities I attribute to these nightly emissions of my subconscious.
Bull? Perhaps.
But I have nothing much to believe in anymore.
Tried to get away but no place, without strangers, abounds. (A triple negative?)
And the damn phone never stops beeping.
Rounds of coffee later, nothing is changed. And the need to hide remains.
Where can I disappear to?
Boom.
That was it. I blew up over an inane remark in the office. Think everyone was kinda shocked, yet they probably won't since I am always raving mad about something anyway. But everyone was equally affected, so we left early that day.
I couldn't sleep much that night, all boiling with anger and also racking my brain for a solution. Wanted so much to confront the person, came up with countless angles and strategies.
The next day, someone messaged me online, "If we could vote, I would vote for you as the leader." Had lunch with another, gathering feedback. Lack of two-way communication, blind to others' skiving, nit picking, unable to manage expectations and the worst trait of all - failure to maintain team morale.
Dare I say, it's been a drag. Honestly wanted to salvage things, yet more rubbish were swept under the rug. So I believed that inaction would be the best solution.
I couldn't sleep much that night, all boiling with anger and also racking my brain for a solution. Wanted so much to confront the person, came up with countless angles and strategies.
The next day, someone messaged me online, "If we could vote, I would vote for you as the leader." Had lunch with another, gathering feedback. Lack of two-way communication, blind to others' skiving, nit picking, unable to manage expectations and the worst trait of all - failure to maintain team morale.
Dare I say, it's been a drag. Honestly wanted to salvage things, yet more rubbish were swept under the rug. So I believed that inaction would be the best solution.
Tuesday, February 15
To Leave or Not To Leave
On the second working day of my sick leave, I was incessantly bugged at home by calls from the office. It was also discovered that I had not "followed up" on a particular matter that was supposed to be the job of another department. HOD sent a terse rhetorical question on the situation and followed it with a you-screwed-up message.
The significance of that was lost on me, what did you expect me to do? Feel guilty? Report back to work tomorrow? No way! It merely exacerbated the disgruntlement that I already felt. In order to control my anger/waste some time, I decided to perform a quick-and-dirty scenario analysis for the optimal time to leave the company.
I created a scatter-plot of the differences in cumulative commensuration against time. Obviously the loss of bonus contributes the largest loss in opportunity cost. This loss would take a few months to break even. June (green curve) is shifted downwards as leaving in June would require me to tender in April, hence losing the bonus.
From this analysis, the best time to leave based on money alone would be July. However, that would equate to spending another 4 months dealing with the same problems that would not go away. April would be unachievable unless I get an offer before this month ends. Hence, the next feasible choice would May (tendering 1st week of March) for the time taken to break-even. Else, it would not be worth it to tender in April. Do be aware that the curves would not converge in any point in time, I would always earn be short of the difference between the curves.
Note: I might have made some wrong assumptions but this was the best I could pull out in 30 minutes. x-axis is displayed wrongly. Also, did not compute 1st/last day for salary/job to begin. Charts and writing took longer.
The significance of that was lost on me, what did you expect me to do? Feel guilty? Report back to work tomorrow? No way! It merely exacerbated the disgruntlement that I already felt. In order to control my anger/waste some time, I decided to perform a quick-and-dirty scenario analysis for the optimal time to leave the company.
- Variables include the following assumptions:
- Bond that I have to pay if I quit before Dec 2011
- 3-month bonus (May 2011)
- 2-month bonus (Jan 2012)
- Either 50% or 75% increase in pay
- 2 months notice period
I created a scatter-plot of the differences in cumulative commensuration against time. Obviously the loss of bonus contributes the largest loss in opportunity cost. This loss would take a few months to break even. June (green curve) is shifted downwards as leaving in June would require me to tender in April, hence losing the bonus.
From this analysis, the best time to leave based on money alone would be July. However, that would equate to spending another 4 months dealing with the same problems that would not go away. April would be unachievable unless I get an offer before this month ends. Hence, the next feasible choice would May (tendering 1st week of March) for the time taken to break-even. Else, it would not be worth it to tender in April. Do be aware that the curves would not converge in any point in time, I would always earn be short of the difference between the curves.
Note: I might have made some wrong assumptions but this was the best I could pull out in 30 minutes. x-axis is displayed wrongly. Also, did not compute 1st/last day for salary/job to begin. Charts and writing took longer.
Sunday, February 13
Nice People
Lifted from a newly discovered blog:
Semblance of truth in that. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonelier and lonelier. There aren't a lot of people that I want to talk to anymore.
Friends, don't worry. I still can tolerate your bullshit. Takes the mind off work for a while but not too long.
And then something else caught my eye (yes, my ADD is very evident - some of you have been complaining about my frequent Google Buzz reads during working hours):
Trading room life sharpens your senses, you see more, you hear more and you learn to read people better. You can process information faster than the average person because you are conditioned to do so. You can make split second decisions that your comfortable with. We don’t small talk – we get to the point… We don’t even waste time with “goodbye” when we hang up the phone.
The reality is, the longer you’re in this business the less tolerant you are of the daily bullshit. “Get to the fucking point”, “Make up your mind already” and no more Mister fucking nice guy. It just happens. The trading room is Miracle Grow for belligerence. Folks (including myself) like to make jokes about how all traders have ADD. We don’t have ADD we just choose to block out all the useless shit spewing from your mouth. Say something that matters, something that can make me money… I’ll show you who’s listening.
I was having dinner the other night with some friends I hadn’t seen in 2 years. Dinner was three long hours of useless small talk. This guy spent twenty minutes babbling on...I realized that night, that I have little interest in associating with nice people anymore...Just shut the fuck up and eat so we can get out of here. Honestly, I’d rather sit down with pirates, thieves and prostitutes. At least they’re interesting and bound to have some good stories. Nice people never say anything off color; they avoid confrontation and stay neutral. They are benign. We like a twist, a dark side, something to snicker at.
Semblance of truth in that. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonelier and lonelier. There aren't a lot of people that I want to talk to anymore.
Friends, don't worry. I still can tolerate your bullshit. Takes the mind off work for a while but not too long.
And then something else caught my eye (yes, my ADD is very evident - some of you have been complaining about my frequent Google Buzz reads during working hours):
Most of us will morph through different phases of our life, as we grow and live and learn. Its not quite a caterpillar to butterfly metamorphosis, but it represents specific changes in what we know, do, feel and think.
A little introspection, perhaps some insight gleaned through hard work and experience, all add up to enlightenment. Whether it refers to reaching higher levels of understanding in your work, personal life of spirituality is irrelevant — as long as you seek to grow as you get on with your life, you are moving in the right direction.
Feelin', I Know Whatcha Feelin'
Slightly worn out.
Was at a friend's place for CNY last night. They were very hospitable.
Had a bowl of my favorite processed food - fishballs, meatballs, prawn balls. While we watched a China movie starring Shu Qi. It was a bittersweet romantic comedy. I guessed several turns in the plot, I could write a script one day.
In between the never empty glass of red wine, I tried to make conversation with the other guests but gave up. A TV actor showed up, it was surreal staring at this 6-feet tall man in real life. He usually looked smaller on the television screen.
Never felt more alone. Friend asked me when I was going to bring a girlfriend, I just smiled and shook my head.
Not on my agenda. Not until I decide to break out of this fortress.
But so tired of this life.
Somedays it is as if I'm stuck, unable to change my situation.
The guests' age had two peaks - 20 and 38. I was stuck in between and had no one much to talk to. Not that it mattered but it was strange.
Played blackjack, lost to the kids, more for their ang bao collections, I guess.
Pain down the leg returned.
Worrisome, that is.
Was at a friend's place for CNY last night. They were very hospitable.
Had a bowl of my favorite processed food - fishballs, meatballs, prawn balls. While we watched a China movie starring Shu Qi. It was a bittersweet romantic comedy. I guessed several turns in the plot, I could write a script one day.
In between the never empty glass of red wine, I tried to make conversation with the other guests but gave up. A TV actor showed up, it was surreal staring at this 6-feet tall man in real life. He usually looked smaller on the television screen.
Never felt more alone. Friend asked me when I was going to bring a girlfriend, I just smiled and shook my head.
Not on my agenda. Not until I decide to break out of this fortress.
But so tired of this life.
Somedays it is as if I'm stuck, unable to change my situation.
The guests' age had two peaks - 20 and 38. I was stuck in between and had no one much to talk to. Not that it mattered but it was strange.
Played blackjack, lost to the kids, more for their ang bao collections, I guess.
Pain down the leg returned.
Worrisome, that is.
Friday, February 11
Milo and Biscuits
Ten hundred hours. Admission officer looks at me, "Are you here alone? Who's going to fetch you back?"
"Uh, taxi?"
"Cannot lah, sir. You need somebody."
"I think it's alright."
Got myself a comfortable bed but they took away my phone and book. So I kept watching Channel News Asia and noticed SGD jumped from 1.2795 to 1.2801. Dollar making a move, asian markets languished along, risk aversion play.
At 1040hrs, a nurse came in and told me the doctor will be late for an hour and a half. "No problem, I said."
A strange lady came and stood beside my bed, talking on her phone, rummaged through her bag and put something on my leg. Another nurse came and asked if I was me, "Uh yes?" for the fourth time. Lady was shocked, "No that's not him, you got the wrong person." Then she took a look at me and realized it was she who went to the incorrect room.
1120hrs, an uncle was sent to the bed next to me. His daughter explained to another lady about the father's kidney stones last year and gall bladder stone this year. SMM up from yesterday's selling, top 10 gainers on a down day. Boring.
"What's your NRIC? Are you allergic to any medicine?" they kept asking me.
Fell asleep only to be woken up by a bunch of medical students who were practising their bed/diagnostic skills. Explained my symptoms, used the medical terms because I totally studied the entire problem and anatomy. They made me limp three times round the bed. One was called Alicia, another had the Transformer logo printed on his notepad. I told them they owe me coffee, I know people around here.
1240hrs, the nice nurse comes around and says doctor will be late. Asked if I was hungry, and yes, I was. She got me milo and biscuits, Julie's. Thought about options plays on commodities, how I was gonna calculate implied volatility and whether the trade was too late to be in.
1320hrs, another nurse appears. Finally, I'm going in. Got wheeled to the theatre, she apologized for being bad at "driving" the bed. Yeah, she was. Kept getting stuck. I looked at the passing ceiling lights, reminded me of ER, just more sedated and less exciting.
13:32:49 left me in the adjoining room. I was wondering why they called a trolley the pain trolley. Need to calm down. SIBOR at .3105, LIBOR at .305, TIBOR at .3504. Can't remember, need to verify. Income strategies? Looked at the equipment around, I wonder what the Philips Intellivue does.
Someone took my glasses, was wheeled into the theatre, wow, that's a section size crew here. Scrambling, doctor explains his requirements, the old guy pushes in a special x-ray machine. Rolled me over to the operating table (it's cushioned), adjusted my posture. I asked for my stats: heart beat 68, BP 78/119. Ok that's normal, I'm not freaking out. Doctor explains the procedures to me again. All this time I was lying on my stomach, oxygen tube up my nostrils, wondering, what the fuck is going on back there.
"Ok, now we are going to put something cold on your back. Next we're going to put in the anaesthesia."
The first needle went in.
"Now you're gonna feel the worst pain ever for this procedure."
And boy was it painful. This numbing sensation and electric shocks down the back and leg.
He fiddled around back there, stabbed a nerve and asked if it was the same pain I encountered. And no, it wasn't. Diagnostic done, he said it's most like the other nerve root and proceeded to pump the steroids in.
It hurt like fuck. Worst pain ever, fucking liar. The original pain spots magnified and intensified, from the piriformis down the hamstring, calf and the foot.
And then we're done.
"What's my reading?"
"68 78/119, it's alright."
Got wheeled out back to another ward, a male nurse attended to me. Doc said I could go back now but the nurse didn't think I should. I confidently stood up, only to have my leg give way.
"More rest then?" I asked rhethorically.
Handful of messages from friends, colleagues and Bank of China trying to sell me a credit card.
Someone came to take my reading again.
"74 85/134. Do you have hypertension sir?"
"Uh no, I'm just excited to get out of here. I'm hungry."
When I finally felt better, the nurse handed me instructions and a 7-day MC. I was expecting to go back on Monday but this was awesome.
Hobbled to Quiznos, had the best tasting sandwich and took the train home at peak hour. Then again, roads were jammed up from the rain, would have probably be caught on the highway.
"Uh, taxi?"
"Cannot lah, sir. You need somebody."
"I think it's alright."
Got myself a comfortable bed but they took away my phone and book. So I kept watching Channel News Asia and noticed SGD jumped from 1.2795 to 1.2801. Dollar making a move, asian markets languished along, risk aversion play.
At 1040hrs, a nurse came in and told me the doctor will be late for an hour and a half. "No problem, I said."
A strange lady came and stood beside my bed, talking on her phone, rummaged through her bag and put something on my leg. Another nurse came and asked if I was me, "Uh yes?" for the fourth time. Lady was shocked, "No that's not him, you got the wrong person." Then she took a look at me and realized it was she who went to the incorrect room.
1120hrs, an uncle was sent to the bed next to me. His daughter explained to another lady about the father's kidney stones last year and gall bladder stone this year. SMM up from yesterday's selling, top 10 gainers on a down day. Boring.
"What's your NRIC? Are you allergic to any medicine?" they kept asking me.
Fell asleep only to be woken up by a bunch of medical students who were practising their bed/diagnostic skills. Explained my symptoms, used the medical terms because I totally studied the entire problem and anatomy. They made me limp three times round the bed. One was called Alicia, another had the Transformer logo printed on his notepad. I told them they owe me coffee, I know people around here.
1240hrs, the nice nurse comes around and says doctor will be late. Asked if I was hungry, and yes, I was. She got me milo and biscuits, Julie's. Thought about options plays on commodities, how I was gonna calculate implied volatility and whether the trade was too late to be in.
1320hrs, another nurse appears. Finally, I'm going in. Got wheeled to the theatre, she apologized for being bad at "driving" the bed. Yeah, she was. Kept getting stuck. I looked at the passing ceiling lights, reminded me of ER, just more sedated and less exciting.
13:32:49 left me in the adjoining room. I was wondering why they called a trolley the pain trolley. Need to calm down. SIBOR at .3105, LIBOR at .305, TIBOR at .3504. Can't remember, need to verify. Income strategies? Looked at the equipment around, I wonder what the Philips Intellivue does.
Someone took my glasses, was wheeled into the theatre, wow, that's a section size crew here. Scrambling, doctor explains his requirements, the old guy pushes in a special x-ray machine. Rolled me over to the operating table (it's cushioned), adjusted my posture. I asked for my stats: heart beat 68, BP 78/119. Ok that's normal, I'm not freaking out. Doctor explains the procedures to me again. All this time I was lying on my stomach, oxygen tube up my nostrils, wondering, what the fuck is going on back there.
"Ok, now we are going to put something cold on your back. Next we're going to put in the anaesthesia."
The first needle went in.
"Now you're gonna feel the worst pain ever for this procedure."
And boy was it painful. This numbing sensation and electric shocks down the back and leg.
He fiddled around back there, stabbed a nerve and asked if it was the same pain I encountered. And no, it wasn't. Diagnostic done, he said it's most like the other nerve root and proceeded to pump the steroids in.
It hurt like fuck. Worst pain ever, fucking liar. The original pain spots magnified and intensified, from the piriformis down the hamstring, calf and the foot.
And then we're done.
"What's my reading?"
"68 78/119, it's alright."
Got wheeled out back to another ward, a male nurse attended to me. Doc said I could go back now but the nurse didn't think I should. I confidently stood up, only to have my leg give way.
"More rest then?" I asked rhethorically.
Handful of messages from friends, colleagues and Bank of China trying to sell me a credit card.
Someone came to take my reading again.
"74 85/134. Do you have hypertension sir?"
"Uh no, I'm just excited to get out of here. I'm hungry."
When I finally felt better, the nurse handed me instructions and a 7-day MC. I was expecting to go back on Monday but this was awesome.
Hobbled to Quiznos, had the best tasting sandwich and took the train home at peak hour. Then again, roads were jammed up from the rain, would have probably be caught on the highway.
Tuesday, February 8
Not Worth Talking
Sometimes I wonder about the inane conversations around me and the people who participate in them.
What do they think about? What are they living for?
Today I had some brilliant ideas; there was also some interesting things at work. Learnt a few things, which I think will be beneficial in the future.
I am constantly reshuffling my kingdom, building fortresses, constructing buttresses. What do other people think or do in their own heads?
I'm afraid of knowing.
What do they think about? What are they living for?
Today I had some brilliant ideas; there was also some interesting things at work. Learnt a few things, which I think will be beneficial in the future.
I am constantly reshuffling my kingdom, building fortresses, constructing buttresses. What do other people think or do in their own heads?
I'm afraid of knowing.
Monday, February 7
This is Your Life
So I waited in the queue for an hour to hear the doctor explain the risks to me. I signed on the dotted line.
And I waited for another hour and a half for a hospital staff to explain how much it would cost and whether I could use my Medisave.
Up till that moment, I had no idea what your Medisave/Medishield does. And then I fretted because I do not have proper insurance coverage, finally realizing that I'm no longer young and omnipotent.
Doctor says there's no cure, it's only a temporary bullet but it buys me time. Hopefully, the body will absorb it back and I'll be normal again. I'm optimistic and I'm sure I will recover one day.
Wondered aloud about this wasted life, being under-appreciated and underpaid. Nevertheless, believe in an opportunity soon.
If the me-now met the me-4-years-ago, he would have scoffed at my blind optimism. But I would have told him, what's the point of fretting about something that you have no control over? How many times did you worry and in the end, it was all for nothing? How many good times did you overlook because you were too busy mulling?
I'm sure he would have gagged.
And I waited for another hour and a half for a hospital staff to explain how much it would cost and whether I could use my Medisave.
Up till that moment, I had no idea what your Medisave/Medishield does. And then I fretted because I do not have proper insurance coverage, finally realizing that I'm no longer young and omnipotent.
Doctor says there's no cure, it's only a temporary bullet but it buys me time. Hopefully, the body will absorb it back and I'll be normal again. I'm optimistic and I'm sure I will recover one day.
Wondered aloud about this wasted life, being under-appreciated and underpaid. Nevertheless, believe in an opportunity soon.
If the me-now met the me-4-years-ago, he would have scoffed at my blind optimism. But I would have told him, what's the point of fretting about something that you have no control over? How many times did you worry and in the end, it was all for nothing? How many good times did you overlook because you were too busy mulling?
I'm sure he would have gagged.
Tuesday, February 1
Escapism
Running down an empty road, waving bye to people around, hiding, withdrawing, slowly. You probably wouldn't even notice it; fading away, not replying. Bye. Bye. Bye.
Not turning up at work. Too many issues. Need to numb this pain. Why wouldn't it go away? No way to hide. Limping, limping away.
Not turning up at work. Too many issues. Need to numb this pain. Why wouldn't it go away? No way to hide. Limping, limping away.
Horror
Went back to the doctor yesterday to review my MRI scan.
My back looked horrible. He said it was like that of a 40-50 year old. The problem's probably genetic, had a shorter column on the L4 vertebra (trying to act chim here), with rapid degeneration of the intervertebral discs on L4 and L5, which protruded out and are pressing down on the traversing nerve roots. Because of that, I have developed sciatica symptoms, which prevents me from pretty much doing anything.
And the worst thing is that there is no cure for this. Gonna be a lifelong thing.
I guess that I need to find a mate with good bone structures for my progeny from now on.
C'est la vie!
My back looked horrible. He said it was like that of a 40-50 year old. The problem's probably genetic, had a shorter column on the L4 vertebra (trying to act chim here), with rapid degeneration of the intervertebral discs on L4 and L5, which protruded out and are pressing down on the traversing nerve roots. Because of that, I have developed sciatica symptoms, which prevents me from pretty much doing anything.
And the worst thing is that there is no cure for this. Gonna be a lifelong thing.
I guess that I need to find a mate with good bone structures for my progeny from now on.
C'est la vie!
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