Struggle

Obviously, chasing the only path that I have set in my mind will lead to disappointment if things don't appear smooth and easy. Living (or trying to live) up to my expectations has been more detrimental than anything else. Yes, I want so hard to achieve my goals but at what price?

Time is running out. And yet, I try to eke out some form of optimism everyday.

I need to stop worrying and start living.

What else could I do if I gave up now? I have no answer.

Not to forget all the hopes that others have placed on my shoulders. (Good and bad, this.)

I have went three steps forward and ten steps back. I need to keep a cool head. Stay above what the screaming emotions want me to do and plod on.

Step by step.

Slowly. Slowly.

Really, I have no one that I need to impress. Just need to keep working.

Ironically, someone called me on Friday morning when I was in early for the day (15-hr work day). He had an opening for some place with something that was totally out of my comfort zone (one year apprenticeship)  but obviously, I had a promise to keep to; one that I have to try my hardest to fulfill.

Just saw on LinkedIn how many of my peers have transited into their senior associates roles while I'm still mucking around in the mud, hoping to forge something different. I do hope this path of reckoning is worth it.

Losing Streak

Haven't had such a long, protracted losing streak in a long time (or ever). It's tough, I'm really struggling, trying to get things right but I just cannot get myself into the winning mood. Need time to clear my head, need concrete steps to do. Starting to get trigger shy, risk adverse and that was never my style.

This seriously blows.

But I'm thankful still.

Thankful for my support network. Boss, colleagues.

And not to forget the most important person in my life now.

Life ain't that bad sometimes.

Just gotta grind it out.

It's not me but everyone else is suffering.

Pies

A life divided into parts.

Past two weeks have got me thinking about motivations in life, how we change over time, eventually rolling over and giving up.

What happens when the dream you wanted to achieve for the past five years, the one that you allowed to define you as person, becomes nothing but smoke?

Or what about those grand dreams you had: traveling, moving overseas, challenging job; get replaced by mundane demands of society here?

Would you define giving up as growing up then, since those dreams were half part lingering adolescent hope, half part young adulthood idealism? We shed off those lofty goals and decide that, hey, maybe I was just being too dreamy back there.

Matrimony, HDB queue numbers, COEs. Yes, many dreamt of those and have them now but what about the rest of us that dreamt other things and have yet to see any shimmering light of hope?

To press on or to give up? To bow to societal forces?

Yours to figure out.

P.S. I am still fighting.

Metamorphosis

Seeing changes in people. How time has changed us all. No, we aren't who we were ten years ago. The world has changed too.

Instead of emerging as beautiful butterflies out of our chrysalis, we emerge ugly grey moths, flitting towards lights that bear promise but most likely turn out to be deathtraps.

People growing up, fulfilling certain rites of passage as adults; some of us refusing to accept our lots in life.

To think that we live in abundance is better than living in lack. I have seen how the latter makes one petty, jealous and anxious about the future.

No longer the same emotions dealing with the markets now. Good changes. Steadily, step by step.

Limitations

Limited time, limited budget. In the middle of the busiest holiday taking season.

Makes for some frantic planning.

The Sun In Your Eyes

I was looking at the moon that reflected sunlight that was shining in your eyes. And then the sun was rising, as night fell where you were.

9 hours of sleep in 72 hours is damaging. But the body enters a stage where it continuously pumped adrenaline to keep you awake, perhaps numbing things a little, then crescendoing into a massive panic attack, reticence and then staring into blank space, thinking incoherent thoughts.

9 a.m. Not quite sure how 72 hours ago I was just getting up for work, stumbling onto a train and the subsequent unfolding of events in slow-mo. Then fast-mo: Train. Work. Markets going up and down. Back home. Insomnia. Naked people on TV. Blood. Short nap. Train. Work. Markets going up and down. Empty food court. Messages. Disappointment. Queue. Flashing lights. Alcohol. Weird people. Old faces. Sleeping people. Puking people. Foreigners. Midgets. Sad lonely men. Young nubile women. Tattooed ex-convict. McDonald's sausage mcmuffins. Potbellied Indians. Screaming German. Policemen. Daybreak. Stumbling. Sleep. Lunch. Random eatery. Sitting by the road. Rain. Busstop. Long journey. Home. More TV. No sleep. Panic. TV. More panic. No sleep. Messages. Fishing gear. Bus ride. Dinner. Pond. Sandflies. Dog. Old uncles. Rain. Mosquitoes. Rain. Staring at the moon. Looking at the rainclouds. Fishing line. Bread. Hotdog. Cat food. Kembong. Chicken liver. Stale dough balls. First light. Girl with weird posture. Taxi. Investment analyst son in Shanghai. Pride. Home. Washing. Breakfast. Same old food. Home. Sleep.

I am building a tower of $1 coins so I can afford a short trip. I wonder how much I have had. At least two hundred I hope.

Slow Down, Please!

How many times have you caught yourself saying something like, I wish I had more time to this and that? And then when you actually have free time, you find yourself vegetating in front of the TV/computer/iPad, surfing aimlessly or watching some random American/Korean/Taiwanese serial? How many times have you then gave yourself an excuse, I will do this tomorrow or next week, I'm feeling so tired now?

I find life to be moving a little too fast these days, gone were the days of aimless withering, now I seem to be living in constant fear and occasional angst. Three weeks into work at the new place and I see how money can be so easily made and lost within milliseconds. It's an uphill battle and I need more faith to survive, to achieve my dreams.

It is definitely easier when you have someone to share those dreams with. What do you really want out of this limited time on Earth?

Carousel

Round and round we go.

New faces, new environment tomorrow. Let's do this!

Had a good time thinking and discovering what I really want out of this life this weekend.

The latest step is just one goal towards it, and I'm excited at finally coming to terms with what I want; even if it sounds dreamy. That's because I know someone who will walk this path too.

I will be putting up painful hours next, the "wonderful" schedule of the past few months was just a preview of what not to be - complacent, proud and empty.

I want to create my future with my capabilities, even if I have to work harder than the next guy. At least I enjoy the challenge of what I do. How many people can truly say that they love their work?

Brewery

Or How I Spent The Past Weeks; Strategies, Philosophy, Dreams

When faced with such a sudden change in life, most people may find it hard to adjust. I was no exception. On day two, I was bored out of my mind, not used to the quietness of the house in the morning. Then I began organizing meetings, calling and messaging my contacts. Within a week, I managed to get myself reemployment. I have to attribute much of it to providence though. Right timing, right place, right person. Would need to expound on this aspect for the future, you never know when you need help, better to maintain contacts and make yourself somewhat indispensable to others.

Interim, I was catching up on my reading, finishing one or two fictional books, tackling 48 Laws of Power now, planning the leaner months ahead and laying groundwork for the future. I was assailed by the sudden grip of wanderlust, promising myself that I would take a one-year hiatus once I have accomplished the next step in my goal. Hope that really comes to fruition though, so many things to see and do in the world. Being cooped up here is bad for one's soul. I also thought about the lessons from the preceding weeks' experience.

On management, I would say that in an organization, individuals must be given empowerment (either real or not is another topic for debate) and believe that they are striving towards a goal together. I believe that in the last place, we were mostly treated as disposable commodities, ones that can be discarded at any time, which obviously led to a manifestation of fear, lack of initiatives, comfortability [a term which refers to a false sense of security, not venturing beyond's one job scope for fear of unnecessary repercussions]. Throw in a tyrannical overlord and things can easily turn ugly. Perhaps I recognized it before I became too dependent on the organization and decided to do something drastic (the old me would have stuck with a less risky choice).

To say the least, I would be given more reins of control at the new place of opportunity. I can't say much, or where, or what I will be doing but I think it is a great opportunity that has been presented to me with minimal effort. (There were at least hundreds of contenders, I made a few phone calls, met up and had it in the bag. Then again, I spent at least a year courting.) Things wouldn't be any easier, in fact, the hours are worse but I do feel that I could at least make a difference here (and a fortune too, if I succeed).

A few more days of rest and I would be off to conquer a new set of problems. I know I can succeed, and odds seem to be better here. With the fortitude bestowed upon me, I would like to see some fruits borne out of this venture.

So It Is

One week out.

In the past seven days, I've been frantically contacting contacts trying to find a solution to the conundrum that is unemployment. Thankfully, some doors were opened. Nothing concrete yet but this process has been disheartening, especially in a schizophrenic market with an ailing economy. Not sure where things will lead, savings will last for a few more months but I realize the importance of better financial planning. (At least I had a savings and insurance plan but had a thought this morning about other bigger ticket items. Shudder.)

Frankly, being stuck in a rat race with fixed pay will really get me no where. Dare I take another plunge into the unknown and tread the path less traveled?

Living By Your Code

Through these past few years, I have come to a deep realization of human behavior, how we are motivated to do or do not perform things that are ultimately beneficial to us as human beings. While these actions can be stretched out across a wide spectrum, I would like to focus on some pertinent ones that I have been thought and observed over the course of this year.

As we all know, our time on this plane is limited, we are faced with countless decisions everyday; minute ones that may have no impact at all or life shattering ones that could change things as how you perceive reality to be. I don't want to typecast but there are two variations of ambition that I have noticed: the Go-Getter and the Live-By-Day types. By my definition the Go-Getter is someone who believes in his/her principles in life, lives to defend them, reacts poorly in environments that do not align with his/her goals and wants to create something (could be of value or valueless but at least it is deemed by the person to be great) in the world. The Live-By-Day type on the other hand also has some goals in life but they are generally less lofty, e.g. having a cushy jobs that allow him/her to achieve material comforts, have shaky principles and just seeks his/her comfort zone, any threat to that will force him/her into a corner and he/her will react in a fight-or-flight manner. 

I have come to observe how the Live-By-Day type fall along paths in life that are not of their own choosing (per se). While they may have goals to achieve professionally or personally, these usually are the results of what they have in front of them. They do not engage in pondering about greater goods that may be achieved nor do they have the desire to do so. An example would be a young chap working in a firm, doing menial tasks with the vague promises of being placed in a role five years down the road that promises some monetary rewards. Emboldened by the older guys, he works hard, learns what he can at the job and just plods along. Meanwhile, he gets married, buys a car, basically following what his peers are doing. Before long, he is trapped in the rat race, just working so that he can surface to breathe for air sometimes and go on nice holidays. Life just unfolds as it is, without much drama, without much difficulty (if only!).

 The Go-Getter, on the other hand, probably due to a mix of ambitions, personality and/or head trauma, decides to forge a path for himself. There would be obstacles, of which things seem to be at the darkest but he draws strength from various sources - religion, self motivation, family, friends; unbridled in the direction that he has set himself in. There would be times when the struggles seemed so hard, he wonders, is it really worth it? Many fumble, some fall but there would be several survivors. This type would do everything in their power, tapping their strengths to achieve what they have set their eyes on. Success is ephemeral, some hold onto it, others get corrupt. They would be those who self-destruct along the path, driven mad by their desires, or just giving up, turning into the worst type - the Doomed (no further explanation on this). He may eschew riches along the way or get fixated by it, such is the dangerous allure of success. However, I think that people do need to recognize for themselves what kind of person he/she is and use that as an advantage.

As a Go-Getter, if you were placed in a situation that does no agree with your goals, you would do everything you can to get out. There could be a backup plan (although that itself is a trap as you tell yourself, it's alright, I can't afford to lose now, I need to find something first and before you know it, ten years have flown by) or simply a show hand move where it's do-or-die. As a Live-By-Day type, you may not be interested in achieving greater goals, contented with what you have but one day, something might shift your focus, you might get enamored with some other's success and wish to attain that, forcing yourself to undertake tasks that disagree with what you stand for (or you simply rewire your beliefs as they were never solid in the first place).

 I think that one should be the person who you are, living true to yourself. If you hate what you are doing now, why don't you take time to examine what's the underlying reason for that? Armed with the (subjective) truth, at least you can work towards overcoming it. If you are a Live-By-Day type, trying to be a Go-Getter, it would eat into your soul, robbing you of what you hold dear. If you are a Go-Getter and force too much to happen in a short amount of time, you will be wounded. Everything in life has its timing, things can happen in a snap. It's about living by what you believe in and sincerely believing in them. No one should sway you (unless it's really dangerous and stupid). But having a good support circle to bounce things off is beneficial. (I have finally recognized the importance of that, as reclusive as I may be.)

So now, I implore you, my friend, to examine areas in your life that causes unhappiness, discontentment and disgust. Work on changing those, find out the root causes, redefine your own code. You are more than just a living-breathing organic mass. Millions of years of evolution has allowed you a higher consciousness, work on attaining something greater than what's in front of you. Do not be disheartened by temporary setbacks for they are just tiny pebbles in your shoes. Most importantly, question everything you read/hear/see, even this. How true is this to you?

You're Out

So yesterday I was unceremoniously showed the way out of the company. I had no qualms about it as over the past weeks, there were many incidents that gave me the bad vibes. I wouldn't go into details of how and why but would like to tell my friends that I'm alright. I really feel relieved for once, kinda like stepping through a very tight space (can you imagine squeezing my fat ass into a tiny corner?).

When I went in with eyes clouded by the potential upside, I came to a slow realization of the greater pitfalls that waited for me. So instead of waiting till things got worse, I'm out. Back on the old job hunt and in a lousier climate. Only God will show me the way forward. Seeking solace in a greater being sure beats getting myself drunk. ;)

Shocker

The guy sitting behind me got fired on the spot today. He wasn't willing to get out of a losing position and did not adhere to where he wanted to get out. The Bossman was so pissed that he asked the guy to just pack up and leave. It came as a rude awakening of sorts, if I continue being stubborn and unable to cut my losers, I'll definitely see the exit sooner or later. It's a psychological game really, more so than indicators or whatsoever. It's you versus yourself, not the market. Anyway, I've been trying to work on my psychology as I believe that it's the weakest link now. Need to get out losing positions fast, no negotiations. It's so difficult!

Anger and Hubris

Today started off well, was off to my biggest winning day after to continue a winning streak of 5 straight days only to end up becoming my biggest losing day ever. How did that happen?

Was completely blindsided by my own hubris after I had such a good run in the morning. Stocks were selling down for the day back to the flat line and I was out of my shorts. Thinking that a rebound was due, I went long the market on size for some counters that I was new to. Then it happened, more selling took place. Stupidly I thought that these stocks were hyperextended, down 2-4 percent while market was down only 1? And it got worse, only to see my hole expanding. At the end of the day, the stocks were down 2-8% and I gave back most of my winning streak's profits I made in the past week.

I got completely riled at the close. Not because markets are irrational (I know they are). I was angry with myself for falling into the same trap, albeit on something different now. I'm even more resolved to get the game right for these high beta counters as they can support greater size and my profits/losses will be exaggerated. I want to be the best here and I've got the main part of my game down now. Need to get better at it while I improve on the other half.

Unlike the last big loss I suffered from, today gave me greater strength. Maybe I'm getting used to it and I'm using this chance to become ultra good. Before long, I'll be the best at this firm.

Normalcy, With A Dash of Volatility

Things are starting to calm down and looking brighter. Got myself out of the rut and being consistently profitable now. The pain of holding onto a losing position has been seared so deeply into my psyche that I do not want to repeat that. How's that for negative reinforcement? Also, the earlier rumours seemed to be nothing but rumours. New colleague, restocked fridge, I guess I need to work harder (with consistency) and get my profit sharing deal soon. Have been kind of lazy lately, seasoned by weeks of inactivity. Need to start exercising again. And the haze hits. Everywhere, markets appear to be recovering then selling off again. Doofus, it's not a recovery and stocks are not cheap. The economy's like crap and maybe we will see increased volatility soon. China, you ain't no saviour.

Short Term

This week I want to return to positivity, regain my confidence and become more consistent. Short term goals each week to help me focus. I also want to start a new exercise in creativity soon - brewing ginger ale. Yum.

6

Bought Not Quite What I Was Planning at the MPH sale over the weekend. How would you describe your life in six words?

Mine so far would be: Learning how to be happy, always. Work-in-progress, big unfulfilled dreams. Only comfortable with alcohol in bloodstream.

I also thought of some funny NSFW ones but I've completely forgotten them.

Brain big as bowl, very forgetful.

Brain Dead

Foggy brain can't seem to come up with a solution. I have datasets of intraday prices, consisting of 10-min intervals of open, high, low, close, volume. I would like to do a clustering of intraday highs and lows based on time, hoping to identify certain time periods where highs/lows of the days are made. However, can't seem to work out how to identify each row as the day high/low besides using a reiterative function to check current row's high/low and use a separate table to store these values with each day as a new row. Will run the results in R to draw some plots, as well as plot basic statistics (time for trough to peak etc).

Obviously writing this in Python would be be faster. But yeah, am tired now. If someone has a more efficient way of doing this, please let me know. Somehow, I seem to be treading towards the HFT route with the kind of analysis that I am embarking on.

Neurotic Ambitions

One would nary a comparison of neuroticism and ambition in the same sentence but I read an excerpt this week on how a neurotically ambitious person operates. Such a person has a tremendous drive to achieve personal goals, often at the expense of other things in life. There is a difference: upon reaching his targets, the person would not feel a sense of achievement or happiness like any other self-motivated person. However, upon any failure, large or small, he would feel completely decimated. With odds of unlimited downside and limited upside, a neurotic ambitious person may find problems adjusting his self-image to reality, suffering in the process. The underlying cause is basic insecurity, which if left untempered may also result in other forms of neurotic behavior. For more background reading, do a search on Karen Horney.

With that defined, I must say, I'm truly a neurotic person.

Feeling extremely exhausted and burnt out today. Two months and I feel as if all my energy has been sapped from me. Time for a break.

Anguish and Anxiety

We trade our own beliefs and stake our mental health. My performance so far has been sub-par, making progress along the way and then blowing up in spectacular fashion. Today, I made the biggest loss I have in two months. It was enough to wipe out everything I have earned and more. And then along came the usual suspects - lack of confidence, pain, anxiety and despondency.

Initially, I was up the biggest amount I ever had within an hour that the market opened. I was convinced (gravely) that today was gonna be a very strong up day. So I went in with size, buying on dips and smiling at the P&L. Then things changed. I refused to acknowledge that the market regime had turned from bullish to bearish, still holding onto my longs. And held I did. Until a major support level was broken before I gave up and took my losses. I was correct in predicting the subsequent market movements for the day but did not cash my profits in, resulting in a bigger hole.

This defeat is devastating for my mental state, destroying what I had built up over two months. While I recognize that losses are part and parcel of this life, I am just shocked by my stubbornness, my inability to say that I've been wrong. There are many areas within the subconscious that has been blocking my success and it feels like I have failed terribly.

Monetarily, it's a smallish amount but the damage has been done. It took me two decent days to cover up the losses I made in the previous week and with this loss staring at me, I would need at least four times the amount. Judged by our monthly statement, I'm afraid to say that in my second month, I am still unable to turn profitable.

Sigh. I need to improve, I need to overcome this adversity.

Trading is really not a game for the meek.

Time, Unbending

Had a dream about time.

Time, understood by all but incomprehensible.

A second can last forever and hours seem like minutes.

Days melt into nights; neverending pulsations of light.

In my dream, I thought I discovered the secret.

If only we could manipulate time.

Philip Larkin - Toads Revisited

Walking around in the park
Should feel better than work:
The lake, the sunshine,
The grass to lie on,

Blurred playground noises
Beyond black-stockinged nurses -
Not a bad place to be.
Yet it doesn't suit me.

Being one of the men
You meet of an afternoon:
Palsied old step-takers,
Hare-eyed clerks with the jitters,

Waxed-fleshed out-patients
Still vague from accidents,
And characters in long coats
Deep in the litter-baskets -

All dodging the toad work
By being stupid or weak.
Think of being them!
Hearing the hours chime,

Watching the bread delivered,
The sun by clouds covered,
The children going home;
Think of being them,

Turning over their failures
By some bed of lobelias,
Nowhere to go but indoors,
Nor friends but empty chairs -

No, give me my in-tray,
My loaf-haired secretary,
My shall-I-keep-the-call-in-Sir:
What else can I answer,

When the lights come on at four
At the end of another year?
Give me your arm, old toad;
Help me down Cemetery Road.

The Hunt Continues

Nothing in life is constant.

Received some news today and it's time to go hunting again. (Reasons undisclosed for now) While it came as quite a shock to the person who told me the information, I hardly flinched as I had, for the past few weeks, been contemplating the development of various scenarios that were awaiting me.

Who said being a worrier is bad for you? There's a reason why I am always thinking and planning five steps ahead - just in case events like this happen. Nary a black swan but still one with a low probabilistic chance of occurring.

That said, I'm donning my hunting gear again.

Elusive

Slink into the shadows, walk without a sound. Hold your breath, fade into nothingness. Stay still. Stop. Don't move.

Pause.

There are some who hide from the sun, not out of shame but of an intense need for privacy. Others live their lives like a drama, showing what they had for lunch, their pet dog, new toys, ad nauseum.
Social media removed our sense of sobriety and proper behavior.

Legen...Wait for It...

Slightly amused today that I'm starting to create a certain reputation at the firm for my style. Truth be told, I'm currently the only person who swing trades intraday. One of the guys from my batch and his mentor approached me after work, asking me to expound on how I do what I do. They were saying how I'm starting to make a name for myself, ekeing gains even in such tough markets. While I've yet to have anything to show, I'm glad I'm gaining some attention for my work. I've still got a ton of discipline to instill in myself, always unable to keep my winnings, hence I didn't think I was worthy to be what one of them said, that I'm fast becoming a legend around here. Wait till I master this skill, then I'd have arrived.

Disappearing Act

The mood over at the new place seems to have taken a dip recently. I'm realizing the gravity and reality of my decision. Some of the newbies from my batch are also realizing how hard it is to make money in markets like this. Most of us are fretting about our unstable futures and it is getting quite gloomy these days. One of the seniors has been scaring us with stories about previous batches, the way the company operates and why only a few stay.

This made me a little anxious and I decided to go scour the job boards again. Similar job capacity at bigger hedge funds and/or investment banks typically want the following: at least 3 years of proven records, exportable and scalable strategies and knowledge beyond what I am currently doing. Truth be told, I am far from those requirements and if I stayed on without improving myself (working on my own models, improving my daily performance), I would be kinda stuck 12 months down the road.

Not to be undone, I shall continue to strive harder. Performance has been erratic lately. Made a killing last week during the most volatile period but gave it all back when markets quietened down. It seems like I'm structured to take advantage of fear and greed, good for event driven hedge funds in the future. Restarting my research engine and working on some statistical models now. So many things to do, so little guidance.

Groping in the dark once again.

Revisiting

Currently revisiting white noise, autocorrelation, cointegration, Kalman filtering and associated big words again.

Having someone to bounce ideas off at work and understanding practical applications of theoretical ideas is way too awesome. Back at the old place, just showing a simple ratio spread was enough to awe them. Now, I finally have the opportunity to further my research and hopefully discover something.

Max(Geekiness). I like. Tapping off someone's years of experience greatly shortens my own learning curve. Absolutely wonderful. (Also, making tremendous progress this week. One's gotta love volatility like I do.)

Realism

Today the reality of things finally hit me after thinking about it and talking with a senior after work. Due to the structure of the new place, to make a decent living, one has to make at least three times the costs that they impose on us. With only 20 trading days in a month, that can be quite an arduous task. Not to mention that I have six months of "training" to go through, everything slowly adds up and I'm wondering how good I need to be to actually get a decent paycheck.

Algebraically, to make an arbitrary $5k/month: I would need roughly x amount at the month-end P & L. x/20 = daily average returns. Let y be amount of ticks I score each day, that would be x/(20*y). Of course, size would matter, with 10 shares, it's $0.10/tick, 100 shares, $1.00/tick, so on and so forth. Due to the structure of the equity market, some counters can safely absorb 1,000 shares per bid/ask level, while others can absorb up to 10,000.

After much calculations, I would need either size (1,000 and above) or skill (with some size, at least 1,000 shares), to make a decent living. Also, since I only have 20 days, every day that I make a loss, I lose another day of profits just to cover that hole. Hence, it's imperative that I make money on most days (80-100%) with decent returns (with an average of 100 or more ticks/day). Granted that some counters move between 30-90 ticks per day and getting every move is (almost) impossible, I am stuck with a big headache.

I guess not trading for a big institution - getting a fat paycheck and year-end bonus, severely limits one's earning capabilities. I either have to be really good at what I'm doing now or find alternative employment in a year's time. Painful reality of it all. :\

It's a challenge nonetheless, just wondering if I can actually succeed at this.

P.S. Due to lower income, I'm slapping some geek austerity measures on myself - probably won't be meeting people for dinner/drinks much (unless you're buying). Ouch.

Precious Weekends

For a large part of our lives, weekends meant the start of the school week but also another week closer to the long holidays.

Now, it seems like a never-ending battle every week, desperately grasping at some intangible relief from our working lives. Friday evening rolls by, Saturdays and Sundays fly faster than fighter jets.

Before you know it, it's back to the warfront. Make no mistake, I don't not like what I do now. Frankly, I love the markets but maybe I'm just really tired now. Sadly, my gap-month holiday in between jobs never did come to fruition. Perhaps the next one.

For now, I really wish my weekends were longer.

Month End

It's been a month. Time really flew by somehow. Being constantly forced to make split second decisions at work and standing on my toes has me worried about the rate at which my hair will drop. Getting used to this new routine, despite knocking off early each day, I still feel that there isn't enough time in the world to do everything I want to do. Prioritize, prioritize. That's what we should all do...but that comic strip is screaming to be read, the vampire serial is hiding somewhere in the shadows.

Rambly now, incoherent thoughts. Just wrapped up my own month end report, complete with analysis of statistics, qualitative improvements required and other notes collated from here and there. Gotta keep improving, gotta keep pushing. I think it's very hard for me to describe this process of self-discovery to someone else, it's all just internal.

Performance improved this week, numbers don't lie. Trying to recapture some parts of myself. Read through lots of old journals and sketchpads, it seems like I never stopped writing, doodling and letting my subconscious run wild. It's actually quite scary how much I churn out - even now at work. I have a daily journal (full of preparations, news, notes, daily log, good/bad points), weekly overview (prepared on Sunday), spreadsheet (to log trades and analysis), playbook (something I developed over time), collections of other's thoughts. I also have 2 other notebooks to document my own ideas and thoughts, this blog...the list goes on and on. I might end up having a notebook just to document what I have.

I'm truly a logger. (Not of the Canadian forest-felling variety).

That Feeling I Have No Word For

Early morning shower and routine before stepping out for a week of work. Then it hit me, this queasy tightening of my stomach muscles, a slight feeling of dread, guilt and something else. I never knew what to make of this.

I remember vividly the first time it assailed me. I was just a child and we were all huddled into the toilet where the teacher make us strip. We were all lined up side by side while she doused us with a hose. Cleansing. At that point, I felt exactly how I feel now, and more than two decades later, I still don't know what it is.

I remember rainy mornings in primary school. I would look out the window and think, yay, no need for the childcare centre (school was just a short walk away and my mom thought it was too troublesome to drag two noisy children along).

Such a strange feeling, as if my gut was saying, hey lookie here now, it's the life you have chosen and you ain't going nowhere. Would this be something like a feeling of resignation? Or a feeling of excitement? I could never really understand it.

Disconnection, Full-Speed Ahead

Been slightly disconnected from reality as my brain tries to maximize results from my current experiences. Running full-speed ahead.

Had an interesting conversation the other day with a newly-made acquaintance. We were discussing about risk adversity and it suddenly dawned on me that I was, perhaps, a greater risk-taker than I really am. Take, for example, the change in occupation to one that you either succeed or fail, with the latter having a probability of more than 80%. Most people would stick to a tried-and-tested route rather than going after that goal, while the worst loss possible to me would just be that I'm out of a job and I need a new one.

So many people live their lives afraid of change, afraid of chasing after their dreams. Yes, dreams change, circumstances change but really, they are all just excuses. Even when you find yourself treading the path of your dreams, it ain't over yet. The insane amount of hard work and perseverance required could be daunting enough to scare most people away. We often forget that. However, one of the axioms of trading is that you suffer from your greatest risk the moment prior to putting on that trade. After that, it's all about risk management.

You, my dear reader, what are those dreams that you have laid hidden in dusty notebooks or the recesses of your mind? What have you been using as excuses not to pursue what you want? And obviously, what the hell do you want? Do you even know that?

Statistically Speaking

This path is tough and attrition rate is 90%. Out of the five newbies at the firm, only one will survive (and do exceedingly well). I'm determined to be that person, hence weekends are a good time for me to go through my excessive notes taking and reflect on the week's performance.

After two weeks of data collection, I have determined that I have but a small edge in the market, 33% win-rate with a very tiny positive expectancy (at least it's above zero). Based on the number of data points, this conclusion can be said to be statistically significant and I have to work harder at improving my hit rate and increasing my expectancy.

The greatest achievement this week was perhaps how I learnt to handle my emotions after the market close. While performance is relative and scores are reset each day, having negative emotions is a recipe for greater disaster, especially when it affects next day's actions and my interactions with people around me. Hence, I need to remind myself each day to remain positive and do not allow these externalities to affect my mood in any way possible.

Nevertheless, the learning curve is definitely exponential and there are so many factors that I have to consider to improve my game. This is seriously not a job for hobbyists and dreamers (who think that holding the job title would bring them riches). We will see how this week goes, I hope to improve on my performance.

I See You

The brightest day ever. I dutifully put on the face mask and rubbed alcohol from the dispenser all over my hands and arms. It was not yet visiting hours and I sat at the chairs, thinking about the delicious snacks contained in the sandwich machine. Next to it was the drinks vending machine; the Milo cup on display reminded me of a childhood spent among the same antiseptic corridors. I remember fragments of lonely nights spent on a strange bed worrying about ghosts that haunt the corridors.

Someone left the automatic doors opened and I sneaked in, despite the sign that said visitation hours begin at five. It was only thirty minutes past four. I located his bed and saw his heavyset self looking at me. The nameless girl was there again. I wondered about their relationship for a while but chose to ignore it.

He looked better today despite the tubes stuck up his arm, neck and one in his mouth. The respirator heaved at regular intervals. I said hi and stood in silence. He could not talk but communicated by writing on a notepad. We did not have to make small talk. And I stood there in silence looking at him while the girl stared at her phone. She wore a sweater that looked familiar, someone had the same but in a different color. My mind wandered into the depths of my memory. For a while, I stared at the graphs on the Intellievue, noting how things mean reverted.

I watched the view outside, golden sunlight and a cobalt sky. I shuffled my feet in the stillness of the room. He looked like he was in better spirits but breathing seemed a laborious task. Outside, a young boy was pedaling on his tricycle, his father watching him closely. Soon, they went out of my view and I stared at cleaners hanging on a scaffold, cleaning windows of a condominum in the distance. Life outside went on while people laid in beds here fighting to stay alive. Doctors walked passed with tired expressions. Time melted away as the second hand ticked on the wall-mounted clock.

He gestured that he was thirsty and she brought him a syringe filled with water. Clumsily, he squirted water to parch his thirst, lips cracked from dryness. Some drops dribbled down his chin. She wiped away the water with so much affection and care. A nurse came in, checked the waste bag and went out. It was only a quarter filled with orange pee. How did one get reduced to this state of incapicitation?

Being there depressed me, as I stood next to the bed in silence. He continued to read his magazine, staring at pictures of food; angrily, he stuffed it away.

"Soon, soon," I said.

Moments passed and suddenly, I announced my departure. I slipped through the automatic door as it opened and rejoined the mindless crowds.

Creating Opportunities

New work, new challenges, new people. Thankfully, less people to deal with. No need for pleasantries, no need for politics. As my mentor said to me last Friday over afternoon stouts, you gotta keep creating opportunities for yourself, you gotta be more proactive instead of reactive, always be anticipating. Guess that applies to many areas in life, besides trading.

Other than that, I am completely washed up everyday. Brain feels dead after trading. I hope I adjust to this soon. And yes, social interactions have been reduced to a bare minimum, till I adjust to new surroundings.

Reality Bites

Talked to some senior guys after work today and things weren't as rosy as initially pictured. Sent me reeling into a range of thoughts on how to make the best of time here. Nevertheless, I will continue to progress and learn more useful practical skills; things I couldn't have achieved alone and discover/experiment with new strategies.

Despite official ending time at 2:30pm everyday, I'm putting in extra effort to get myself prepared. Spending additional time at home preparing myself is worth it.

Some say this is the toughest job in the job, others look at the seemingly easy money and flexible hours and say, I can do that too.

Yea right. You and the 80% who fail with too much hubris and pride.

Workworkwork. I'm a blue-collared worker.

Burning

Obviously, lack of entries indicate the slow burning of my consciousness.

New life. New challenges.

I wish I had a short break.

I wonder...why am I less excited after the fact than all the pining and whining before?

Human nature; anticipation always better than receiving what you wanted.

The (Non)-Event

Friday marked the first day at the new place. It was a small outfit with a much more relaxed air about everything. Didn't do much the first day but getting to know people and setting my machines up. Mentor's a cool guy, who took me on a short spin in his SLK to a drinking hole at three in the afternoon.

Yes, I finish work early from now on. But hell, it's gonna be a whole lot more intense when I'm working. I already spent six hours on a Sunday night preparing things for tomorrow.

Make no mistake my friends, trading is a blue collar job. We go in, we do what we are trained to do, day in, day out, the same shit.

If I succeed, well, at least I get more money. If I don't it's gonna be devastating for my psychology.

Strangely not as excited as I thought I would be. But still cool nonetheless.

Till I get better at the game.

Serotonin

Low levels of serotonin blamed for recent spike in fatigue, despite getting enough hours of sleep.

Went to a new bonesetter last week. Seemed like the discs have reduced in inflammation but due to high levels of feng, body needs some regulating to do. I suspect that high levels of nitric acid are the cause for the muscle spasms/tightness, which leads to additional strain to the back.

Following strict detoxification diet now (ok, semi-strict but mostly eating just vegetables and fish). Body feels better but way more to go before I recover. The gain in body weight from lack of exercise is worrying. I'm turning into a blob.

The Countdown

Left with 6 more working days to the new start, I find myself in a curious situation. One where I am out of sync with most people and situations that I'm able to function right. I am attributing this to the fact that I have an uncertain event unfolding ahead with unknown variables. It's less of fear but more of an unsettling that I believe will come to pass once I get there.

Out of a still brackwater into a rapid flowing river.

Need to remain calm. I am ready.

Human Beings and Relationships (Mini Thesis)

I spent the whole of last week researching on personality types and viewing relationships under an objective microscope. Various friends were at different cusps of their relationships and it awarded me with a rare chance to actually study how and why relationships work. I began reading some articles on neuroscience, social behavior and a book on personality type based on MBTI/Jung’s work (mainly parts that interest me) to understand human beings better. This shall be my humble attempt at summarizing my research and providing a framework for future relationships. (This won’t be thesis-length, just a quick summary.)

While our brain secretes chemicals that enable us to feel love and empathy, there are some among us who are defective in this manner. I, for one, probably suffer from a lack of oxytocin, which explains my lack of kinship or the desire to have one. Joke aside, attraction occurs on many levels and is a complicated chemical process in the brain, which probably fuels the emotional factors (was reading an article that purported one cannot separate logic from emotions as both are controlled by the brain).

One can be attracted to another on many levels: physical, emotional, and possibilities of starting a relationship. I believe this is a relic from the past, where the main purpose of finding a mate is to…procreate. Hence, males and females look for various attributes in the other that support the hypothesis of a successful progeny. Physical attributes become important (males: broad shoulders, strong jaws, females: breasts, nicely shaped bottoms et cetera), we also rely on our other senses (sight, touch, smell, hearing and taste) which sets the tone for the next phase after attraction fizzles: how relationships develop.

So assuming that Boy and Girl* meet. They feel physically attracted to each other and start conversing, finding out more about each other. Perhaps there are overlapping interests, possession of certain personality traits that the other is looking for, a myriad of things that is too complex to describe. One gets more attracted to the other, going beyond physical appearances. Emotions overrule at this juncture, it would seem like a collision of two souls and a subsequent progression along a trajectory, and they fall deeper and deeper in love; discovering strengths and flaws they appreciate in each other, thinking about a life together as a new entity. Analogically, imagine two stars colliding – a celestial event occurs with immense gravitational force and explosiveness, that a new combined star or a black hole is formed^. Love at this point can be explained by the brain being washed in dopamine, neurons start firing rapidly, positive emotions reinforce existing ones, resulting in a feedback system that makes one happier (and addicted).

Before I proceed, I would need to introduce the concept of personality to you. Human beings (according to ancient philosophers, more recently by Jung and developed further by Meyer and Briggs) are divided into four types – Artisans, Guardians, Idealists and Rationals. Each different type has its own unique way of perception, motivations and thought processes. Based on observational evidence so far, I have developed quite a keen faith in using the MBTI as a gauge for my fellow human beings. (Obviously, I belong to 1% of the population as an INTJ – the Mastermind Rational.) I shall attempt how relationship problems develop based on this and hopefully derive some sort of a solution to it.

So now that Boy and Girl have been going out exclusively for awhile and finally decide to begin a relationship, one that promises exclusivity and emotional support (not disregarding monetary and other forms of support but I’m trying to make my argument simple to grasp). Passion gives way to more subtle feelings of belonging and trust. As both parties spend more time with each other, they discover more aspects of the other party’s personality and history. What initially attracted may suddenly turn into paranoia, e.g. if Girl was popular and friendly, possessiveness may lead Boy to become jealous of other contenders (imaginary or otherwise); what seemed to be too good to be true may lead to discovery of skeletons in the closet, e.g. Boy seemed like the ultimate Boy Scout but is actually a compulsive serial liar.

Also, in relationships, a form of symbiotic relation is formed where one depends on the other to live (hence, the survival of many a singer with sappy love songs like How Will I Live Without You). Goals that seemed aligned in the first place turn out to be misaligned, patience that initially seemed to last forever run out faster than freebies, emotional sensitivity becomes non-existent (usually Boy is dense like a block of wood), fear of the future takes hold (desire to procreate increases, need for shelter, need for stability take root). These are few reasons that couples start quarreling when in a relationship. The Pygmalion effect come into play. Expectations change, Girl may want Boy to be more romantic, Girl wants to spend more time with Boy but Boy wants to spend more time with his toys, Boy wants Girl to be more understanding, Boy’s true character is not accepted by Girl but he cannot change, ad infinitum. Look around you, who has not faced such problems before?

In the process, I began thinking about compatibility among two human beings. Each of us are motivated by different things, have different ways of perceiving the world and reacting to it. Hence, I believe that there would be an optimal configuration for two people – one that would reduce conflict and provide the best chance of success. Based on statistical observations Guardians are best matched with Artisans, while Idealists are paired with Rationals. (I will send you a book that espouses on this if you ask me).

Thus, compatibility goes beyond the concrete and I think these factors must be present for an optimal pairing: emotions, communication, intellection, sociability and goal orientation. Amalgated, one aspect affects the other and cannot be viewed in isolation. A communicative couple would be able to open up to each other, informing the other of their inner world, emotions then need to be supported and there must be a certain degree of understanding. Socially, both parties need to complement each other, one can be introverted and the other extraverted but it must not become a crutch, where one’s sociability is viewed as a threat. Intellection may not be required for all couples, especially of the Guardian/Artisan variety but extremely important for Rationals. Ultimately, both must be oriented towards similar goals in life – material, spiritual, values and motivations. Any misalignment of these points would create inefficiencies and disappointments, especially when one’s expectations are not met. Quarrels ensue, fights break out, and couples disintegrate.

In the end, I do not think that I can find a conclusive solution to solving these problems. In my limited experience, I believe that couples must be openly communicative, to discuss about their expectations and align their goals and beliefs. This is obviously, easier said than done. Human beings are more nuanced and personal history (family, relationships) will taint one’s perceptions and beliefs. There is no one framework that can help address these issues but at the back of my head, I think that before one even thrusts blindingly into a relationship, it would be beneficial if an objective angle can be applied to things, to decide if the long-haul would be beneficial and most importantly, if both parties are compatible.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on these issues, please do not consult me for relationship advice.

* Apologies to readers whom this does not apply, I’m making a generalization to make things easier
^ This must be the most unromantic description of love ever written.

Jettison, Youth

Bedok Jetty with two peeps of mine.

Bright moon in the sky, high tide, and well-prepared tactics.

Blue-and-white Tat Sing slippers, ruffled hair and fishing gear.

Reliving our old days many moons ago, twelve? Thirteen? Where we stood at the same pier, casting into the sea.

No magic, clueless at what we were doing then.

We had fun, oh, we had fun.

Things now more sombre, topics different but girls, now turned women, a part of the conversations.

We caught one each, palm-sized bait fish but that was it.

Silence most times, as we each tended our own, deep in thought, enjoying the duality of company and solitude.

Perhaps, this was what drawn us to fish in the first place.

Charles Bukowski - Bluebird

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I put whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Philip Larkin - The Trees

The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too,
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

Open Heart Surgery

Just streaming headlong into the unknown, listening to songs.

Am I afraid? Not really. Strangely numb.

Cut me open and watch my heart pump.

I left the scalpel by our side.

Calm, calm as one can be.

Hopeful, hope overflowing.

Painkillers

Back on a stream of painkillers. Topped with whiskey, the pain becomes non-existent.

Back once more, on that disrupted sleep and sedentary lifestyle.

Back again, to the expanding waistline and added weight.

Back to the wish that I would be normal again.

Back, back to the start.

Idleness, Playground for The Devil

It has been proven recently that being idle 9 hours a day can be a very tiring activity. I enter each workday without an aim, mulling my time away, visiting random websites, chatting with whoever is free and showing people stuff I find online.

I get restless pretty fast. And yet, I can't seem to concentrate on doing any particular task well.

For a second, I may be thinking of executing an option spread, the next I'm distracted by a funny picture on a website, then I'm trying to read a pdf on strategy/trading/hedge funds/economics, never going very far. Sometimes, the phone rings and I answer it but my heart is no longer in the work.

It is like serving a prison sentence, thankfully, it's only 17 more work days.

This episode has thought me that being stuck in an existence without concrete goals, passion and focus, can be a very exhausting affair. Never should I ever find myself stuck in such a situation again but if I ever start displaying symptoms like this, I jolly well should know that it's time to move on.

Trying to come up with a list of productive things to do daily is more difficult than I thought.

Whatever it is, at least I should be looking at more action at the new place. Can't wait!

Ulceration

On why good people need to be hired and well-trained.

There was an incident at work last evening that left me seething and more convinced of my decision to leave.

While I can't go into detail what transpired, it basically involved another department where I had to go through to make a large deal possible. Due to time nature of the situation, the matter had to be solved yesterday. When I was informed of the deal, the market was about to close and it was after the close that I got to the other department. This was not an unprecedented situation and I have done this deal several times before. However, the response I received was of the laziest level ever.

"Sorry cannot do because it would involved Finance and other approvals," the assistant manager said.

Fine, go do it.

"No, I don't care. I'm leaving, there's no one else left to do. Ask your client to do it tomorrow," after saying that the manager just walked out.

Then there was the issue of people not knowing the proper procedure, refusing to stick their head out to assume responsibility and lots of shirking.

Flabbergasted, I approached my boss who dragged one of the general managers along. Suddenly, the correct forms appeared, calls were made to verify the correct steps and matter was semi-resolved.

What left me with a really bitter taste was the unhelpful, selfish, incompetent nature of these folks. They were obviously badly trained, refused to assume responsibility for work within their domain and wanted to shift the blame to me for coming up late. It was so tragically funny that at one point, I couldn't help expressing marvel at the number of collateral damage dragged in.

While I try and control my anger, it is with the most dispassionate perspective that I relay this tale. My resolve to exit had been cemented a long time ago but this was the perfect example to my boss why it was more than just the money. Really, it's a lot to do with people too, internally and externally.

Words, Encoded

Visions

At certain levels, I saw the entry, the exit and the plan.

Sometimes, the market doesn't move according to your plan and moves against your entry, only to stop you out and move back into where you originally planned.

Life's like that too.

And I know, my entire life wouldn't be easy.

I'm a fighter, I have to fight for everything I want.

No rest for the wicked.

Special Days (And Nights)

Happy moments, great conversations, lots of sitting around, eating, drinking and a change of place for more eating and drinking.

I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do
I'll stop the world and melt with you
(You should know better?)
Dream of better lives the kind which never hate
(You should see why)
dropped in the state of imaginary grace
(You should know better?)

Counting down the days to a new beginning. Usual burdens at home but taking on life with greater zest, more anger and renewed faith.

I wish happy moments will stay forever.

Till the next trial comes along, I will sit here grinning like an idiot.

Notes from a Holiday

Wrote this while on holiday 2 weeks ago. My first break in 2 years. It was too short and too far in between:

I am in my dark place, seated by a beach of white sandy sand and the constant crashing of waves.

I thought about life and memories. How one becomes another in an instant; a moment passed turns into dusty images stored in the brain, a moment happening in the blink of the eye. Blood, spit and sweat, melded into a walking cesspit, taking but never giving any in return.

What do I want to make out of this life? What am I looking for? Companions? I have a few but none satisfied. Do I give anything back in return but my time and empty words? Never in my childish imaginations did I see myself hurtling towards the unknown at this rate.

A new job, a new beginning, new people in my life. Out with the old, out with history. Soon, I forge my own, not knowing where I'd be next.

I cheat, I lie. My dark place holds sway over me, even in this blinding sunlight.

* * * * *

Always been a bus passenger, looking out the window at lives that are not mine. When you are inside looking out, you lose a sense of self. Crossed the small country roads, oil palms and rubber trees lining both sides. Occasionally, a human structure popped out. Road kill. A brown mongrel, lying by the side. Black flies scuttle when the bus passed; before settling back in their seemingly random dances. An hour and a nap later, the bus pulled into a provincial town. People leading their own lives, unaware of things beyond their backyard or what the television transmitted. A girl looked longingly at the bus, perhaps dreaming of a long-gone lover. I felt that she was looking straight at me. Or at least, I imagined so. Maybe she was just looking at her own reflection. The bus drove past, she did not lose her gaze and soon, she was gone in a cloud of dust.

I looked at the various signboards and advertisements along the way, wondering how MNCs started growing their roots here. Did they hire locals or dispatched some of their mavericks to set up shop in the unknown? Look at how these Japanese motorbikes dominated the roads, they were probably status symbols too.

I wondered about the microsms of civilisation, the probability of a township happening right where it stood. How did the paved roads replace the dirt ones preceding them? How did the first humans decide to start a village here? Underneath the tarmac, what laid beneath? Ashes and bones? Memories and dreams? Where are we heading? Where do we go from here?

10,000!

10,000/365=27.397

So on this 20th day of April, 2011, I have been alive for a glorious 10,000 days.

I think this calls for a greater celebration than any other recent milestones. The big 30 will be more depressing, with lesser hair.

Today, I dance.

Next week, I explore the world once more.

Signed and Sealed

Today I signed on the dotted line. And soon, I'll begin a new phase in life - one fraught with more uncertainty, fear and greed.

I'll eat what I kill. I'll obey my rules.

Tomorrow I tender my resignation.

I've been waiting for this.

Sleep Deprivation

ICT ended early on Friday, in what was the best experience of the past five years. I have quite a lot to write on leadership for that one on a later date. However, hardly slept during these two weeks.

Then a slew of activities to savor my regained freedom over the weekend. Drinking cava by the beach, meeting my men for more drinks at a club in Boat Quay, entire Sunday spent in the pool for diving.

I'm officially spent and tomorrow is Monday.

I lost my voice along the way too. Let's see how I hand signal my way out of speaking to clients tomorrow.

Oh, and a major groundbreaking news to share (for those who don't know yet) once everything is confirmed tomorrow.

Yazzah! 2011 is starting to shape up to something so exciting that I am sacrificing way too much sleep!

Swing, Swing

Between the extremes. Exhaustion takes over. Mood displaced.

Feeling low.

Just need a little sleep.

Tomorrow we battle once more, just five more days.

Come on.

Practical Management

Once a year, I'm thrown into hellfire of management. To many, ICT is a time for catching up on sleep, friends and other leisurely activities. For me and several other folks, we get cranked up, wound and spun around till our heads get giddy. While my role has less of a strategic slant, it is from the operational/logistical angle that I have to handle things. And that, I believe is not a simple task.

Imagine having to coordinate 120-odd men's movements: where they are to go, what they have to do, ensuring that they have all the necessary equipment, food and water, managing their morale, instilling discipline; often working on limited information (and most often, misinformation), with things constantly changing (despite having a schedule), liaising with several different layers of hierarchy and parties. It quickly descends into a complete nightmare.

It's easy discussing management in a classroom setting but when one has to actually implement things, it a bigger headache than one can anticipate. This year, I'm experimenting with a more laissez faire style of management, one where I delegate and check on things after a certain time. It creates less stress for me while empowering the people left in charge. No doubt that they have to report back to me on everything, it sure beats having my blood pressure go up every time something fails to work according to plan and I scramble to solve the problem. So far, despite the many hiccups along the way, I believe that it has been more effective than previous years.

There are sacrifices to be made when placed in situations like this. One has to be exemplary in behavior, bearing and willing to sacrifice personal comforts to ensure that everyone else follows suit. Hence, leadership and soft skills are tantamount to one's success. One has to overlook minutia to look at the larger picture, place trust in the right people and exert enough influence to make things work. It goes beyond ego, personality or even control.

However, there are difficulties faced along the way. As explained by someone, the entire organization's hierarchical structure poses a lot of problems when it comes to communication. Each person along the chain acts as an information node and when passed from the starting node to the ending node, information asymmetry occurs, each node processing the information as it deems fit - causing either over or under information to be passed down the line. Hence, there are many situations where misinformation leads to confusion and confusion leads to inefficiency. While in a supply chain or information network, such problems can be modulated by adjusting the frequency of each node's output - while the optimal solution would be using a straight-through processing of information from beginning to end.

Applied to what I'm faced with, I believe that as the biggest receiver and transceiver of information, I have to control what is being passed on and filter it according to what I believe would result in the most efficient throughput. I have yet to find the optimal solution but I find having constant feedback is beneficial. Knowing how the other end reacts to certain information, I am able to engage in a feedback loop with the higher management, making changes along the way and keeping things at a consistent pace. Also, I am placing more faith in my own judgment. Plans are often met with noise, which seeks to disrupt; however, I am able to overcome this by applying top-down decisions and sticking to my guns. Yes, there are times when morale may get affected but as a leader, it is better to be hated to be loved, especially when having to make a tough decision. One's gotta think of future repercussions and sometimes, it's ok to cement it with a little fear/no-nonsense attitude.

Lots of managerial lessons to be gleaned here. People wonder why I allow myself to suffer but I think of all this as a platform to develop my leadership skills in a more practical manner. Better to screw up now when I can afford it.

Drained

Tiring two weeks. Many ups and downs.

Sympathies. Exhilarations. Curses. Laughs.

Some developments in crucial areas of my otherwise stagnant life. More on that when things are more visible.

Trading was alright last month, just need to eliminate some mistakes and I'll do better. Except that it's tiring to balance this aspect with having to wake up for work.

Things looking up, definitely.

Haven't felt so relieved and happy and excited about the future for a long time.

More updates after tomorrow's 2-week ICT. Back in green. :\

Dirt

Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony

Everyone gathered around a hole in the ground. The sun hung high in the clear blue sky, a slight breeze brought mild comfort in the intense heat. People stood under umbrellas; some sobbing, others with stoical expressions. There was no birdsong, just a heavy silence punctuated by cries. The excavator's engine rumbled to a start.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Rivulets of sweat down my back. Everyone watched as the dirt was slowly piled on. Nothing stirred except the machine. I focused on its elegant movements, up and down, left to right, listening to its constant vibrations.

I could feel the soft mud sinking around my feet, I switched my attention between the clouds and the family. It was sad to see the living suffer. Emotions welled up as the last clump was thrown in, the cries reached a crescendo, many turned their backs to walk away.

"I love you, son! Till we meet again!" the father shouted for one last time.

Do not let your hearts be troubled.

There were only three of us left in the end. We stood over the half-filled hole, each with memories running through our heads. N lit a cigarette and placed it near the makeshift tombstone, "Nabei, nobody burned for you. Nah brother, I burn one for you. One last one together."

N, the emotional one. He whom I was doing everything for. Two deaths within the span of one year would be taxing on anyone. A father and a close friend. It was the living that I was more concerned about.

As the cigarette burned, we laughed at some random joke. He would be enjoying himself now, watching us. Was never close yet his passing had a strange effect on me. Perhaps a strong jolt of reality - to remind myself that life on this plane is too short. We may live each day just scraping by, barely living, only dreaming but never realizing them.

Carpe diem et memento mori, my dear friends. Do not be reckless yet live with an intensity, an intensity for life itself. Love the people around you more. Do not waste time with worthless people.

Fragility of Life

Was just ruminating this afternoon about how fragile our lives are, how easy it is to just disappear like that.

Went out to get food when I saw this pot of dead plant right beside the rubbish bin. When I came back, a friend called me but I didn't hear my phone. He left me a text message, asking me to call him back. He had bad news for me.

I called. The last time he told me he had bad news was when his father passed away last year. I remember four of us, his closest friends, carrying the coffin down the road.

Muffled, he told me the news. A friend of ours (one of the four) passed away this morning. It was a freak accident. Shocked. I didn't know what to say.

"Where are you? What's gonna happen? How are his parents taking it?"

That was all I could muster. Followed by a lot of expletives and what-the-fucks.

After the call, I started informing the rest of the people who knew him.

The conversations went:
"Have you heard?"

"Oh my god. What happened?"

Some details.

"What the fuck. Seriously, what the fuck?!?!"

"Yes, I know. Really what the fuck right."

The lack of adjectives and nouns was all we could say.

Life's just too unpredictable. We spend each day complaining about the smallest things in our lives - the dumb/stupid people around us, the small paycheck, the crowded train in the mornings. We lose sight of the important things.

After lying in bed for an hour, calling/messaging people, I decided to step out to the coffee shop. I walked past the rubbish bin again. Someone had stolen the pot and uprooted the plant. Funny what life serves up.

Insulation

Isolating myself quite a fair bit these few weeks? Why? I don't know really know. Not much compulsion to meet up with people, although I did see my friends last week. Twitter updates, whatsapp and occasional gchats help me to stay abreast of their matters. How much has friendship evolved through the ages!

Churning, vegetating at home. Not doing much except my weekly homework, job scours and news.

Most unexciting if you ask anyone.

But really, maybe I'm just sick of myself being around people.

At a random gathering this week, I was surprised to see many people. And the usual thread went, "Oh him/her? I've not seen him/her since we left school two years ago!"

Enough said. I do not like to socialize much.

This week was brutal at work as we tried to make sense of the Japan earthquake and the market's reactions. Experienced some intense whipsaws, which translated to lots of frantic mouse-clicking, swearing and caffeine consumed. I really like the work, just wish salary was commensurate with actual output.

Tonight's the super moon. And I'm staying chained at home on a Saturday night. Everyone knows I get lunatic during full moons.

A deep rift is forming within. I can sense it coming but I do not understand it.

I need more time. Always need more time. Please forgive me.

Nouvelle Vague - Heart of Glass

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much to mistrust, love's gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I'm the one you're using, please don't push me aside
We could made it cruising, yeah

It's just no good
You teasing like you do

Dream Within A Dream

Retreat back into the wilderness, pine trees running straight to heaven. Winter. Snow falling, footsteps disappearing.

You awake, breathless. Warm breath condensing in the cold air. Heart pounds. Nothing in the dark. Nothing in the bright.

Who are you with?

All alone.

Never opening that box again. Full of what makes you human.

And it's cold to the touch.

Fader

The pain is slowly dissipating. At least it's much better now. I can walk without much pain, mornings are not that much of a struggle. I hope that I will get even better soon. Need to constantly remind myself that I should not overexert myself. I got into this state because I refused to listen to my body all these years.

And it really shocked me into getting insurance, being more aware of the need to protect from the downside.

Also, I seem to be more aware of posture and the need for one to have a healthy back. When I make it big one day, I will open up a back center for people. No one should go through that kind of pain that I went through.

Tremors

Pre-forteen hundred hours. Came back early from lunch because someone had some trades on and fretted about it. He called me three times to ask questions that were not tolerable. So I had to step back in to save his ass.

Earthquake strikes Japan.

"How's the Japan trade?"

"It's good I cleared it."

Trust. Turned back to focus on the Hong Kong trades.

Massive damage in Tokyo. Images of tsunami wiping out cars and boats. Fire at oil refineries.

"Uh, there's something wrong with the Japan trade."

"What? What are you saying?"

Long lines of explanation followed. My heart sank. Fuck. I have not encountered this kind of error ever. It was not acceptable.

"Alright, never mind. I will see how I can save this situation."

Calls, IBs. Rapid tapping of the table. Please let this go through.

Another broker, "I'm sorry but our Japan counterparts just evacuated the building. Don't think we can solve the problem today."

Fuck.

Some other measures were taken, found an answer for the client and massive praying that Japan opens not too oversold on Monday.

Monetary loss wasn't massive but a dent on the coworker's records. Head of department chided him slightly, demanding an incident report.

Two hours later, the director stomped in, heading straight for my jugular.

"What was that! How can this kind of thing happen? You're the fucking sales trader, you're supposed to make sure everyone works to your standard. If you're not happy, you can jolly well f them. If he's not good, f him. If she's not good f him. Everyone here is at your disposal. But you answer to me for their mistakes. I will come after you if there's another screw up."

Bam.

And I sat there in silence. One eye on my Hong Kong trades (shaved 11bps off one, and 8bps off another, beat the benchmark yet again. Minor victory.).

Thoughts flew through my head. What the fuck? It wasn't even my fault. Fine, I didn't double check his trade but seriously, do you expect me, the lowest paid person at the fucking desk, to make sure everyone does his/her job?

Almost wanted to walk out there and then. Took the shelling. Swallowed my spit.

Hong Kong close. Placed the rest of the trades for the day.

Messages started popping in: I'm sorry, chillax bro, take it easy, I will support you.

Vaporous cloud of bullshit.

Thanks for nothing.

Elevator Arising

It was old and grey, this
elevator
Buttons of floors it serves, not as a slave but destiny, glimmer
In the tungsten light
Sequential, non-sequential, skipping a few
floors
I forgot where I was heading and hurriedly chose a stop
Up it went, hurtling towards uncertainty (for me) but surety for it
Panic, more buttons pressed in randomness
Speed increased; machines weren't suppose to act this way
I felt a gush of air, whoosh the elevator went
And emerged, way past the limit,
heading towards the sky:
A projectile released
Fear. Grip tight!
The metal wire will guide you back
Bright light flooded my senses
I had escaped
into the unknown

Quiet Corner

On a round acrylic stool I sat. Rain had fallen, a cool constant breeze stirred.

Staying away from the constant ramblings and ringings.

It wasn't all quiet, the whirring of the air conditioning units.

Close my eyes and feel the pain rummage through every sinew. Open my eyes and it all be gone.

Some KTV music playing in a far away corner. Retirees singing their own love stories, memories of days gone by.

Rain fell again. Pitter patter of life giving force.

No more again, this wretched feeling of worthlessness. I was wrong.

More so than anything I sought now, a light at the end. But how bright would it shine? Would I turn my head away?

Wedding Dinner

Awkward hellos and silences.

We watched each other's mannerisms, familiar and weird at the same time.

Introducing self as my mother's son and a flash of recognition.

Got paraded around with my brother. We were prized dogs at a dog show.

"You were so much smaller last time, oh how time has flown!"

More awkward silences. Whip out phone, fiddle, fiddle.

Let's see how the markets are doing in the U.S.

Oh not so good. Thankfully my position is still intact.

Glasses of merlot downed. Ok, turning red. Looked at brother, he was equally flushed. Hadn't had much opportunities to drink with him.

We started dissing people, the food, the staff. Both of us, peas in a pod.

Uncles at the next table getting rowdy over alcohol. Started taunting a child.

Twenty-three hundred hour. Time to leave.

Stood outside Singapore's largest KTV with my mom and aunt, looking way out of place.

Time to go. So long, "family". Hope not to see you again.

My Brooding Friend

Have not seen you in a while.

The other night, you ran off to a corner of the rooftop patio.

Saw you flushed with alcohol running through your veins and smoke from your nostrils.

You leaned against the wall, seemingly unconcerned with the outside world.

Truth is, you weren't.

The inner turmoil built up. Slowly eating, gnawing at the unbelievable fortitude you have.

And like all walls ravaged by age, that wall of yours started to crumble.

I looked at you and wanted to cry for I felt your grief.

You do know that all this will come to pass?

Hideout

Afflicted by terrible tension headaches stemming from the neck. Back still giving me ambulatory problems.

Had a week of bad sleep, mainly plagued by dreams and the more I record them, the higher the prognosticatory abilities I attribute to these nightly emissions of my subconscious.

Bull? Perhaps.

But I have nothing much to believe in anymore.

Tried to get away but no place, without strangers, abounds. (A triple negative?)

And the damn phone never stops beeping.

Rounds of coffee later, nothing is changed. And the need to hide remains.

Where can I disappear to?

Boom.

That was it. I blew up over an inane remark in the office. Think everyone was kinda shocked, yet they probably won't since I am always raving mad about something anyway. But everyone was equally affected, so we left early that day.

I couldn't sleep much that night, all boiling with anger and also racking my brain for a solution. Wanted so much to confront the person, came up with countless angles and strategies.

The next day, someone messaged me online, "If we could vote, I would vote for you as the leader." Had lunch with another, gathering feedback. Lack of two-way communication, blind to others' skiving, nit picking, unable to manage expectations and the worst trait of all - failure to maintain team morale.

Dare I say, it's been a drag. Honestly wanted to salvage things, yet more rubbish were swept under the rug. So I believed that inaction would be the best solution.

To Leave or Not To Leave

On the second working day of my sick leave, I was incessantly bugged at home by calls from the office. It was also discovered that I had not "followed up" on a particular matter that was supposed to be the job of another department. HOD sent a terse rhetorical question on the situation and followed it with a you-screwed-up message.

The significance of that was lost on me, what did you expect me to do? Feel guilty? Report back to work tomorrow? No way! It merely exacerbated the disgruntlement that I already felt. In order to control my anger/waste some time, I decided to perform a quick-and-dirty scenario analysis for the optimal time to leave the company.

Variables include the following assumptions:
1. Bond that I have to pay if I quit before Dec 2011
2. 3-month bonus (May 2011)
3. 2-month bonus (Jan 2012)
4. Either 50% or 75% increase in pay
5. 2 months notice period

The following charts shall illustrate my case.











I created a scatter-plot of the differences in cumulative commensuration against time. Obviously the loss of bonus contributes the largest loss in opportunity cost. This loss would take a few months to break even. June (green curve) is shifted downwards as leaving in June would require me to tender in April, hence losing the bonus.

From this analysis, the best time to leave based on money alone would be July. However, that would equate to spending another 4 months dealing with the same problems that would not go away. April would be unachievable unless I get an offer before this month ends. Hence, the next feasible choice would May (tendering 1st week of March) for the time taken to break-even. Else, it would not be worth it to tender in April. Do be aware that the curves would not converge in any point in time, I would always earn be short of the difference between the curves.

Note: I might have made some wrong assumptions but this was the best I could pull out in 30 minutes. x-axis is displayed wrongly. Also, did not compute 1st/last day for salary/job to begin. Charts and writing took longer.

Nice People

Lifted from a newly discovered blog:

Trading room life sharpens your senses, you see more, you hear more and you learn to read people better. You can process information faster than the average person because you are conditioned to do so. You can make split second decisions that your comfortable with. We don’t small talk – we get to the point… We don’t even waste time with “goodbye” when we hang up the phone.

The reality is, the longer you’re in this business the less tolerant you are of the daily bullshit. “Get to the fucking point”, “Make up your mind already” and no more Mister fucking nice guy. It just happens. The trading room is Miracle Grow for belligerence. Folks (including myself) like to make jokes about how all traders have ADD. We don’t have ADD we just choose to block out all the useless shit spewing from your mouth. Say something that matters, something that can make me money… I’ll show you who’s listening.

I was having dinner the other night with some friends I hadn’t seen in 2 years. Dinner was three long hours of useless small talk. This guy spent twenty minutes babbling on...I realized that night, that I have little interest in associating with nice people anymore...Just shut the fuck up and eat so we can get out of here. Honestly, I’d rather sit down with pirates, thieves and prostitutes. At least they’re interesting and bound to have some good stories. Nice people never say anything off color; they avoid confrontation and stay neutral. They are benign. We like a twist, a dark side, something to snicker at.

Semblance of truth in that. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonelier and lonelier. There aren't a lot of people that I want to talk to anymore.

Friends, don't worry. I still can tolerate your bullshit. Takes the mind off work for a while but not too long.

And then something else caught my eye (yes, my ADD is very evident - some of you have been complaining about my frequent Google Buzz reads during working hours):

Most of us will morph through different phases of our life, as we grow and live and learn. Its not quite a caterpillar to butterfly metamorphosis, but it represents specific changes in what we know, do, feel and think.

A little introspection, perhaps some insight gleaned through hard work and experience, all add up to enlightenment. Whether it refers to reaching higher levels of understanding in your work, personal life of spirituality is irrelevant — as long as you seek to grow as you get on with your life, you are moving in the right direction.

Feelin', I Know Whatcha Feelin'

Slightly worn out.

Was at a friend's place for CNY last night. They were very hospitable.

Had a bowl of my favorite processed food - fishballs, meatballs, prawn balls. While we watched a China movie starring Shu Qi. It was a bittersweet romantic comedy. I guessed several turns in the plot, I could write a script one day.

In between the never empty glass of red wine, I tried to make conversation with the other guests but gave up. A TV actor showed up, it was surreal staring at this 6-feet tall man in real life. He usually looked smaller on the television screen.

Never felt more alone. Friend asked me when I was going to bring a girlfriend, I just smiled and shook my head.

Not on my agenda. Not until I decide to break out of this fortress.

But so tired of this life.

Somedays it is as if I'm stuck, unable to change my situation.

The guests' age had two peaks - 20 and 38. I was stuck in between and had no one much to talk to. Not that it mattered but it was strange.

Played blackjack, lost to the kids, more for their ang bao collections, I guess.

Pain down the leg returned.

Worrisome, that is.

Milo and Biscuits

Ten hundred hours. Admission officer looks at me, "Are you here alone? Who's going to fetch you back?"

"Uh, taxi?"

"Cannot lah, sir. You need somebody."

"I think it's alright."

Got myself a comfortable bed but they took away my phone and book. So I kept watching Channel News Asia and noticed SGD jumped from 1.2795 to 1.2801. Dollar making a move, asian markets languished along, risk aversion play.

At 1040hrs, a nurse came in and told me the doctor will be late for an hour and a half. "No problem, I said."

A strange lady came and stood beside my bed, talking on her phone, rummaged through her bag and put something on my leg. Another nurse came and asked if I was me, "Uh yes?" for the fourth time. Lady was shocked, "No that's not him, you got the wrong person." Then she took a look at me and realized it was she who went to the incorrect room.

1120hrs, an uncle was sent to the bed next to me. His daughter explained to another lady about the father's kidney stones last year and gall bladder stone this year. SMM up from yesterday's selling, top 10 gainers on a down day. Boring.


"What's your NRIC? Are you allergic to any medicine?" they kept asking me.

Fell asleep only to be woken up by a bunch of medical students who were practising their bed/diagnostic skills. Explained my symptoms, used the medical terms because I totally studied the entire problem and anatomy. They made me limp three times round the bed. One was called Alicia, another had the Transformer logo printed on his notepad. I told them they owe me coffee, I know people around here.

1240hrs, the nice nurse comes around and says doctor will be late. Asked if I was hungry, and yes, I was. She got me milo and biscuits, Julie's. Thought about options plays on commodities, how I was gonna calculate implied volatility and whether the trade was too late to be in.

1320hrs, another nurse appears. Finally, I'm going in. Got wheeled to the theatre, she apologized for being bad at "driving" the bed. Yeah, she was. Kept getting stuck. I looked at the passing ceiling lights, reminded me of ER, just more sedated and less exciting.

13:32:49 left me in the adjoining room. I was wondering why they called a trolley the pain trolley. Need to calm down. SIBOR at .3105, LIBOR at .305, TIBOR at .3504. Can't remember, need to verify. Income strategies? Looked at the equipment around, I wonder what the Philips Intellivue does.

Someone took my glasses, was wheeled into the theatre, wow, that's a section size crew here. Scrambling, doctor explains his requirements, the old guy pushes in a special x-ray machine. Rolled me over to the operating table (it's cushioned), adjusted my posture. I asked for my stats: heart beat 68, BP 78/119. Ok that's normal, I'm not freaking out. Doctor explains the procedures to me again. All this time I was lying on my stomach, oxygen tube up my nostrils, wondering, what the fuck is going on back there.

"Ok, now we are going to put something cold on your back. Next we're going to put in the anaesthesia."

The first needle went in.

"Now you're gonna feel the worst pain ever for this procedure."

And boy was it painful. This numbing sensation and electric shocks down the back and leg.

He fiddled around back there, stabbed a nerve and asked if it was the same pain I encountered. And no, it wasn't. Diagnostic done, he said it's most like the other nerve root and proceeded to pump the steroids in.

It hurt like fuck. Worst pain ever, fucking liar. The original pain spots magnified and intensified, from the piriformis down the hamstring, calf and the foot.

And then we're done.

"What's my reading?"

"68 78/119, it's alright."

Got wheeled out back to another ward, a male nurse attended to me. Doc said I could go back now but the nurse didn't think I should. I confidently stood up, only to have my leg give way.

"More rest then?" I asked rhethorically.

Handful of messages from friends, colleagues and Bank of China trying to sell me a credit card.
Someone came to take my reading again.

"74 85/134. Do you have hypertension sir?"

"Uh no, I'm just excited to get out of here. I'm hungry."

When I finally felt better, the nurse handed me instructions and a 7-day MC. I was expecting to go back on Monday but this was awesome.

Hobbled to Quiznos, had the best tasting sandwich and took the train home at peak hour. Then again, roads were jammed up from the rain, would have probably be caught on the highway.

Not Worth Talking

Sometimes I wonder about the inane conversations around me and the people who participate in them.

What do they think about? What are they living for?

Today I had some brilliant ideas; there was also some interesting things at work. Learnt a few things, which I think will be beneficial in the future.

I am constantly reshuffling my kingdom, building fortresses, constructing buttresses. What do other people think or do in their own heads?

I'm afraid of knowing.

This is Your Life

So I waited in the queue for an hour to hear the doctor explain the risks to me. I signed on the dotted line.

And I waited for another hour and a half for a hospital staff to explain how much it would cost and whether I could use my Medisave.

Up till that moment, I had no idea what your Medisave/Medishield does. And then I fretted because I do not have proper insurance coverage, finally realizing that I'm no longer young and omnipotent.

Doctor says there's no cure, it's only a temporary bullet but it buys me time. Hopefully, the body will absorb it back and I'll be normal again. I'm optimistic and I'm sure I will recover one day.

Wondered aloud about this wasted life, being under-appreciated and underpaid. Nevertheless, believe in an opportunity soon.

If the me-now met the me-4-years-ago, he would have scoffed at my blind optimism. But I would have told him, what's the point of fretting about something that you have no control over? How many times did you worry and in the end, it was all for nothing? How many good times did you overlook because you were too busy mulling?

I'm sure he would have gagged.

Escapism

Running down an empty road, waving bye to people around, hiding, withdrawing, slowly. You probably wouldn't even notice it; fading away, not replying. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Not turning up at work. Too many issues. Need to numb this pain. Why wouldn't it go away? No way to hide. Limping, limping away.

Horror

Went back to the doctor yesterday to review my MRI scan.

My back looked horrible. He said it was like that of a 40-50 year old. The problem's probably genetic, had a shorter column on the L4 vertebra (trying to act chim here), with rapid degeneration of the intervertebral discs on L4 and L5, which protruded out and are pressing down on the traversing nerve roots. Because of that, I have developed sciatica symptoms, which prevents me from pretty much doing anything.

And the worst thing is that there is no cure for this. Gonna be a lifelong thing.

I guess that I need to find a mate with good bone structures for my progeny from now on.

C'est la vie!

Down But Not Out

I think I'm coming full-circle as a (more) matured young person. (Seriously, wtf? Gonna be thirty soon! Haha.)

Despite not passing my exam and having the irritating person (who didn't work but studied the whole day at the desk) pass it was a big whammy to me. Not that I didn't work hard, I was in the final band of failures (and only 36% passed). It's quite evident I'm not that book-smart anymore. I became a super angry birdie the entire morning but was tired from all that anger. So I reverted back to normal angry birdie and tried to be the better person.

Also, having this crappy back problem, a seemingly impossible task to find better employment and my never growing bank account could have compounded in an endless spiral of self-pity.

But here I am, seemingly okay, shaking off whatever sad dust that landed on my shoulders; smiling.

It wouldn't have been possible years ago but I think I'm finally coming to terms with life.

Onward I say, bring on the next trade!