Dreaming and Running

Woke up with a start when I was dreaming about this 30ish looking guy telling me that, "We are a hardworking company. Even though we are small, we work really hard. Not only do we develop solutions in the day, we also sell insurance and property at night. Last year alone, we made $800 million among 5 of us. So join us."

I remember thinking in my dream that it was impossible, or rather, he was the one raking in most of the distribution, leaving the soon-to-be minion with all the dirty work.

Even in my dream, I wondered how much sleep they got and were they really happy. I was thinking that it wasn't worth sacrificing so much and that I could do better without them.

I'm just thinking how did I process things subconsciously to result in a dream like that.

On Monday, I went for a long jog. After struggling for the first 25 minutes, I finally managed get into the groove and really enjoyed the solitude. I ran all the way to Lower Seletar reservoir, where I saw a double rainbow and a stork looking for food. It was a nice feeling, to encounter nature like this. At about 6km, my mind wandered and I thought about something that troubled me for the rest of my run. I realized that I seemed to have lost a focus in life. Ironically, it was always about finishing school and starting something...just that I never knew (and still don't know) what that something was. I pondered about the meaning of this existence (again) and questioned the need to achieve certain life goals. And I felt that it wasn't worth it, somehow.

Then again, I was never the altruistic kind. I don't think I will ever make a big difference to anybody's suffering. Yet, I know that my being here has touched many lives. If I wasn't around, things wouldn't have been the same and I felt better. Nevertheless, that entire thought process caused me to run a total of 13km, which brought me into another loop of whether I should join the marathon at the end of the year...it never stops!

Last night, I had a nice dinner and talk with a mentor of mine. He was always puzzled about my apparent conflict in life and wondered why. He was obviously peeved after dinner when he thought that I wasn't taking any risk in life and if I had chosen this path, I shouldn't be mulling over it all the time. But somehow, the conversation progressed over beer (oh man, missed these long drawn beer conversations) and I revealed the reasons behind my decisions. I guess it's one thing debating things over logically in my head but another to really say what's hidden deep down inside. What made it touching was that he patted me on my back and said that he finally understood and I made the right choice. It felt as if a stone was lifted from my chest, that nagging feeling of having to give up a dream forcibly totally went away. :)

Jack Johnson - They Do They Don't

With all its do's and don'ts
The future is an empty promise
Unconcerned and so tired of waiting
We could sell it wooden horses
full of nightmares and when they open
This all might recompose
There's no going back to the good old days
it's just a phase bring in some new life
Archaism is a dusty road leading us back to nowhere

But if we're the ones to blame then the fruit
Shouldn't taste so good we were used
Used to thinking we got nothing to lose
We're losing everything but the truth
Is walking straight into a roadblock, ending left here bending
Your point of view was chosen by the serpent's ruse

How come when we say we do
We don't
How come when we say we will
We won't

Slipping

Brain's been pretty quiet lately, ergo no new thoughts or insights into life. Perhaps a correlation to my unusually busy unemployed life where I toil for others as a free laborer.

It's wearing me down. This little arrangement. I feel myself slipping back down that rabbit hole.

At least I had some time for fishing on Saturday. Two good friends baking in the sun, catching up, spending time, talking nonsense and most importantly, reeling in fish.

Realized my newly developed ability to be more forgiving and less judgmental of others. A fresh breath of air, I guess. I found out how tiring it was to talk to a critical person.

Now I know why fishmongers wear aprons. Scales fly everywhere when you are trying to remove them.

I have been smelling like a fish since then.

Spent the entire day shooting my friends yesterday. Physically worn out from it but I guess, they were the closest friends I've made in four years. The entire bunch. I'm still thankful for them.

However, I hate looking at images I just shot. All the imperfections, all the things I could have done better are still fresh in my head.

At least some classical music is soothing the soul within.

OHCRAP

Been busy the entire week trying to wrap up an external project while running daily reports for my future boss. As a test of my abilities, I had to write down my thoughts on the market and generate some ideas each day. My interview was Monday evening and so far, I have been sending him a report each night (just finished one, on average it takes me about 4 hrs to review things). Well, I think that the reports must have been good enough for him to reschedule my second interview (which was supposed to be sometime next week) to tomorrow!

(And then I scream.)

Suddenly, it seems like I will be chaining myself to a desk and joining the burgeoning ranks of soulless workers.

I was down at Shenton Way earlier in the afternoon to run an errand when the lunch-time zombies sauntered pass me. It felt extremely horrible. For all my years of dreaming and yearning for a more free-spirited existence, I feel as if I've been defeated by the sad reality of life here. My bank account looks at me dejectedly and spits at me in the eye.

At least I would have some form of stable income and something to anchor me down.

(And I scream a few more times.)

A friend in Melbourne saw my tweet earlier today about heading to town during lunch and thought I had gotten myself a job. She commented that I had appeared to be more like the Holland V type, with t-shirt and jeans. I met a friend for coffee and he laughed at me in my face, taunting me that I was too free-spirited, too hungry to be able to take a 9-5 job. I was meant to start my own ventures (incidentally, he had quit his job this week and is planning to focus full-time on his many business ventures).

With comments like this, I can only shake my head and console myself that I've got greater plans up my sleeves. All I need now is to increase my capital, learn more about the markets, keep my mind open and sharp, pay my dues and eventually step out of the cubicle.

Of course, I'm wary of the comfort-zone death trap. But what can I do now with the little assets I have and an almost non-existent working experience? Also, commoditizing my photography for the better part of the past 4 years have left quite a bad taste in my mouth. I haven't been able to break out of the bottom ranks and it would take perhaps another 2 years for me to reach someplace comfortable. I can't afford to be a starving artist when I'm almost gonna be penniless and my camera is starting to show its age!

With that, I humbly accept my next phase in life. (Oh, please let it be eventful and not burn out the fire within me.)