Journey Out

Every time I leave the country, I'd find it hard to sleep the night before. Freedom and a great sense of adventure awaits.

I love airplane rides and airports, mainly because I associate it with getting away from all this shit here. The time to leave for India has finally arrived and I'm totally psyched. Looked at some images from a street shooter in Bangalore and my senses are sharpened. I dream of beautiful lighting, setting the chaotic scenes of people, colors and cows alight. The grittier the place, the more keen I am to document the hidden beauty. Hopefully, I would return with a full set of work that I can actually sell or write a story about.

I pray for good weather and an awesome trip. This time round, I'm seriously jumping into the unknown and I'm excited.

Struggles

I think subconsciously, I'm troubled by things that I cannot pinpoint. All that anger and frustration gets channeled into a caustic, hostile personality, which is worsened when some alcohol is thrown into the mix. Although I still think that my actions last night were justified; socially, I think it's a wrong act and I would be paying for it years down the road. Don't really care about the friendship because there wasn't a concrete one to begin with but more worried about the professional image.

Sigh. Need.To.Learn.How.To.Stop.Being.So.Pissed.All.The.Time.

Breathe.

Signs of Times

Spotted on a photo forum: Willing to give lens (worth $3k+) for a job offer in the shipping field.

I guess unemployment is affecting the person extremely badly.

Oh, just received the first official rejection from an application earlier this year. Their loss.

tomorrow, a new life awaits.

i'm unsure.

i'm empty as usual.

perhaps more so now that it's all over.

Seascape

I use my digital camera as a polaroid for my medium format because I can't afford to buy a polaroid back and polaroids are expensive now.

Anyway, this is a digital proof of my new series. Finally started working on it after bouncing the idea in my head for a really long time. Will have to see the roll developed to see how this goes.

Issues

suddenly i realize that everybody has issues. no matter how big or small, they are still issues and it's not as easy as comparing d24 and cat mountain durians.

someday, i hope to be less judgmental and be glad for my sufferings (actually, maybe i'm glad for them but i just wish i wasn't so screwed up)

Strange Signs

It's odd to see countless signs popping up everywhere. Roads signs pointing to different directions, like a visit to a Malaysian mall and a desperate need to find the tandas. A very desperate situation.

So I was watching the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother (yes, I spend possibly too much time catching up on TV on my computer even though I tell people I don't watch TV because Channel 5 produces shows about kids catching spiders or a very very angry man sitting in a dark room). Often, I contrast the different lives the main characters lead, especially Ted, with his new architecture firm, and Barney, with his corporate jet-setting-no-one-knows-what-the-hell-he-does-but-he's-cool job. Things would just pop up at me, little nuggets of wisdom and clarity, which of course gets forgotten once I start laughing.

And...back to the story. Ted set up a firm on his own, in his own apartment and he needs to cold call some clients. After procrastinating for days, he finally confesses that, "The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. I just think I'm giving up before I even started."

It hit me hard. The realization that this is exactly what I'm going through right now. Standing at the crossroads and staring at the future, a big black gigantic goo of unknown, I find myself halting my footsteps and refusing to move. I don't know where to go because I'm afraid that I'll screw up. No matter what choice I take, something bad would happen. I would lose my soul to money, I would lose my sanity, I would lose my passions, et cetera and ad nauseam.

You know what, nobody said that life's gonna be easy. Neither did the person say that whatever choice you take would have to be a good one. But the fact is that you have to take that leap, if not, you're not gonna be going anywhere. Then again, it's begging the question because given this thought, where are you going to jump next? Down a deep ravine or into the choppy sea? No one knows what's best for you, I guess. You just gotta do it and figure the next move on your own. Falling at an accelerating speed of 9.8m/s²? Take a parachute, dammit. Drowning in the waves? You forgot your freaking lifejacket!

With this, I hope to end the incessant nagging at the back of my head. It really doesn't matter, somehow.

I just need to make a decision.

(Maybe after I return from my trip. Actually, I have been formulating this in my head for days but I just needed a springboard to let it all out. Oh and I totally love the show.)

Itsy Bitsy Spider

Hopping in a big ol' world.

Unable to see farther than its myopic eyes would allow.

Existentialist Menu

The theme today is "Reality Dissonance".

For starters, we have "What Are You Doing With Your Life?".

As for the main course, you can have a choice between "Where Are You Heading Now, Since It's Over?" or "Are You Sure?".

For desserts, the chef recommends a healthy dose of "I Don't Belong Here. I Need a Map." It's bound to send you flying over the moon, as you search in the dust for answers that don't exist.

We have something else in store, a large serving of "Could We Start All Over Again?", which boasts a delectable conflict of flavors in your mouth as you savor the "I Could Haves" in your life.

That sir, is what we have specially prepared for you. Enjoy your meal.

And Today...

I went back down down the slide.