Review: 2009

This year ended relatively flat, as compared to last year's emotional breakdown, which coincided with the market meltdown. In retrospect, many things happened this year and it went by rather quickly.

Most importantly, I finally got out of school, the equivalent to a passport to the rest of my life. Academic life was carefree (to a certain extent, re: waking up at obscene times) but it was fraught with too much things on my plate. Now I'm at the cusp of finally making positive changes to my life and concrete steps too.

This year, I made new (hopefully lasting) friends. Went to the Phillippines with the most random group but we survived. I had too much alcohol for my good health. Visited India, ate roadside food and survived it. Did an interesting side project on market research. Wrote a few print articles, continued writing my blog. Also started a new job that'd help in my career progression, kept up my fitness somewhat and laid the groundwork for my future plans.

All in all, it had been a fruitful year despite it getting routine and anti-social towards the end.

2010 is the year that would be pivotal for things to come. I'm thankful for all the people in my life and may I stop taking the wrong steps. God bless and may everyone have a good 365 days ahead (the construct of time irks me a little, as if there's any difference between now and then. But I'll let that slide.)

Major Grumps

i'm seriously turning into a major grumpy anti-socialite.

i'm neither happy nor depressed.

it bothers me.

Unreal Bursting People

Strange dream two nights in a row. Unreal people who started bursting like bubbles. Turned brownish and pop! Searching for a clean liquid, only possible if using the high tech vaporizer. Stuck in the basement of a hotel, grimy dirty. Someone masquerades as the leader. Gotta listen to him. He holds a lowly post in the real world, very evil SOB. Running. More running. My friends disappear, find them in little test tubes, liquidfied. Pour a chemical in, foams, 7-inch tall. Need to find a stabilizer. Many familiar faces but trust no one. They may burst anytime. Pretend to be one of them. Shuffle along, shuffle along.

Good (Bad) Ol' Times

A Christmas dinners with the boys, look at how far we've gone from our khaki brown shorts to our professional lives now. Always laughing at the same old jokes, remembering times stored in our memory banks. After all these years, some have gotten married (and bought their love nests) while some are still lost in their lives.

One of the fondest memory this year would be the poker nights we had (I'm just scrapping even, last two losses took away the big win I had, and the previous times were just small wins. Need to get my psychology right asap.)

Another would be the long rides home with the best friend. Thankful for his kindness to send me back and the troubles we get ourselves in. Sharing our thoughts about the future, complaining about dumb people and learning more about ourselves each day. I really hope that we find our directions soon.

Very soon the year will come to a close and it'd be time to look back and reflect upon my life. Many things to be thankful about, some regrets here and there. But still glad for the few people in my life.

2010 will be the start of my five-year plan. Five years ago, I started school as a fresh-eyed youngin, head filled with anxiety but at least a concrete goal in mind (graduation). Things didn't turn out as great as I thought but at least I got myself a job, learning and doing things I enjoy. Of course there are the shitty parts but which job doesn't have them?

Our future lies within our hands and we're the ones that steer the ship. The sea of life has its ups and downs, waves that may seem to pull us under. But we must persevere somehow, even if there are more storms ahead. I question the futility of it all but really, if one leads a life thinking that it's purposeless, then there won't even be meaning in anything at all.

Merry Christmas and Other Buzz Words

Holiday season is here. I took a 2-day MC due to my back pain and promptly cleared my sleep debt. Was quiet in the office anyway. It was ironic that I read a newspaper article on how 300,000 workers are affected by chronic backaches, migraines and other ailments, taking an average of 36 days of sick leave per year. Glad to know that I'm part of the statistics.

Also, I bought a deck of awesome politically wrong Christmas cards. Will be distributing them if I'm seeing you (and I care enough to write something) or I know your home address.

I'm so enjoying my uber long weekend even as I pop countless painkillers and can't touch my toes. Merry Christmas everyone!

Unhealthy Obsessions

I'm the type of self-absorbed personality that delves so deeply into my pseudo-intellectual (re: technical) pursuits that everything else falls by the wayside.

Case Study #1: Photography
Been involved in this since I was a wee lad. Started out back when the darkroom was a real room, complete with chemical fumes and a lack of light. Now, I use Lightroom. No chemicals, just lots of RAM and computer gimmickry. Past few years saw a rapid development in terms of skills and an exponential foothold in the industry here. I made interesting acquaintances around the world with my tiny success of a blog and I got to photograph and experience some awesome events. Unfortunately, career prospects weren't looking so good given certain pressing family situations, I had to say goodbye to the industry. Nevertheless, I see a return when everything else is sorted out, sometime maybe in the next two decades or so.

Case Study #2: Computers
This started out pretty much around the same time I got into photography. Fondly remember the days when we used 28.8 kb modems and the cool sound it made when a connection was established. Spent obscene number of hours/days/months/years/decade in the cyberworld, Hacker (1997) was a defining movie for a teenager. Watched how we transited from HTML 1.1 to what's-it-now?, Flashy websites and Google. Picked up several programming languages along the way; each an improved iteration of the last. Javascript, PHP, C, C++, Java, C#. Heck, I can speak in SQL too. And I'm regarded as the Demigod of Excel and VB among my friends. Then again, as things go, less time spent in the development environment dulls the memory. I can still code but at a very much reduced pace of speed.

Case Study #3: Finance
Well, not as glitzy as movies made it but now that I've got a foot into the industry, my obsession has grown full-blown and it's pretty much the only thing that my mind concentrates on. I think that I read more than 20 books over the past half year alone (not to forget about my constant checking of the news and charts). Vastly increased my knowledge on the subject. Work helped to build up a certain intuition with regards to the market and its psychology, it's pretty quite scary awesome how accurate my prognostications are. I went to a random house party last night and the best conversation was with a guy who quit his banking job to trade on his own. In this field, I get to combine both my visual and computing skills to create an edge over others. While I'm still green, the short lesson on Friday convinced me that even veterans can be so wrong in their thinking and I know that my edge will eventually trump them.

* * * * * * * * * *

These three things are what my life mainly revolves around now. I'm so anti-social these days that if you're not talking to me about business, the markets or anything remotely interesting (something that I do not already know) then I won't want to engage in a very breath-wasting conversation with you. However, if you belong to the 5% of people that I actually care about (to varying degrees), then I don't mind talking about everything else. If not, don't even bother nudging me on MSN.

Remnants

Hadn't had such an intense dream of a memory for a long time. Usually I view this as a sign from the subconscious or a cosmic signal that needs to be heeded. Somehow, being a person of extremities isn't doing so good for me.

Anyway, some triviality hereon. Had to attend a compulsory class last night. Speaker was quite good but his lesson had so many fallacies and misinformation that I felt like leaving more than once. Good thing is that most people in the market think like this and they will provide fodder for me next time.

Also, I refused to mingle with colleagues from other departments and I suspect that this one incident alone will seal my reputation. Not that I care anyway. Just didn't think that there was anything in common to make small talk in.

Haloscan was acquired last year and now they want to charge for using their comments service so I had to remove them.

There goes all the comments left here since years ago.

No biggie. More people reading than commenting anyway.

Open/Hi/Lo/Close

Highlight of the day: the new pairs trading function on Bloomberg.

It's too tiring to deal with incessant and demanding people on the phone everyday.

S-types are a pain to handle. Too bad they make 60% of the entire population.

Dave Matthews Band - Some Devil

One last kiss one only
Then I'll let you go
Hard for you I've fallen
But you can't break my fall
I'm broken don't break me
When I hit the ground

Some devil some angel
Has got me to the bones
You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Too drunk and still drinking
It's just the way I feel
It's alright
Is what you told me
Cause what we had was so beautiful
Feel heavy like floating
At the bottom of the sea

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Some devil is stuck inside of me
Why can't I set it free
I wish, I wish I was dead and you were breathing
Just so that you could know
Some angel is stuck inside of me
But can I set you free?

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Such a long and lonely time

Stuck inside of me

All The Same

Someone disappears into darkened dancing halls, high on alcohol, moving around in circles.

Another disappears into a world of sums and figures, high on whispery dreams, moving around in circles.

Essentially, they are just two lonely people navigating the world; unable to trust, unable to love.

Or rather, they tried but lost their ways.

Words of the Wise

"You can learn how to do it yourself," George Lane said. "Brokers are salesman. Never take advice from a broker. Because, then you are admitting that you don't have enough smarts to make your own decisions."

Asked what was a key factor in success in commodity trading, Lane replied, "Greed.”

"Trading is fear and greed and if you have enough desire to have a successful financial life - you can do it," He concluded.

The reason why I'm a bad salesman, I always advise against buying because I see danger ahead in the near term. I wish the clients were smarter but then I would have a smaller bonus if they stop trading. Greed? I won't call what I have greed. It's more like wanting things I never had and complete freedom from helping make someone else richer.

Relativity

The desk was having a chitchat session after the markets closed earlier. A senior commented on how warped her sense of money is after being in this line for a while. She has friends who open bottles of wine worth $20k, and not one, but a few crates at the same time. Then there are the large houses and condominiums, and fast cars. Relatively, she says, she doesn't spend a lot of money.

And it's kinda true, as all these numbers are just digits to me. I've to broker a deal tomorrow morning (if I can find the right people) and it's strange that despite all the digits, it's actually gonna be considered something quite small. Yesterday I almost screwed up a huge trade (to me at least) and got people's tempers rising quite a fair bit. Screwed up this morning again. At least my seniors are supportive, they know that it's a phase everyone has to go through.

I just hate feeling so incompetent.

Definitely have to work hard to be better at the job and not take my tiny failures too personally.

I'm having a really bad migraine.

Haven't been getting good sleep.

Road works at 3am, trains at 545am, the alarm at 620am.

Disrupted. Disconnected.

fuck you for fucking my life as usual.

fuck you and your fucking stupid decisions.

fuck you for screwing my finances time and time again.

fuck you for spoiling an otherwise interesting night catching up with an old friend.

fuck you. i did not come home to face this shit.

missing traveling; out in the open world; camera in tow, vices (and more) at a tenth of prices here.

today i shot a concert at esplanade. and it made me miss my other (very broke) life.

we just can't have our cake and eat it too. so we nibble at the sides, hoping that we'd be full.

The Great Sociophobe

Wonder why I'm avoiding all forms of human contact during the past few weekends. Even if I meet up with people, it often ends up being very short meetings.

Maybe I'm tired of small talk and whatnots. Especially with all the talking I do at work everyday.

On the upside, I've been alcohol free for more than 2 weeks. Excellent.

Long Weekend Morning

Jolted awake cos of the lorry that brought in the migrant workers to work on some construction around the flat. Major reason for the need to move out - a peace of mind and ability to sleep in on weekends.

Then a random thought struck me, in the existence of infinite universes and promise of alternative realities, why did we end up on this one? And if time wasn't linear, and that realities could overlap, could we step into and out of the intended motion towards the future?

Ok. Time to go sit at the coffee shop since lying on my bed won't put me back into the arms of my dreams. I miss the quiet, dark hotel room that I had last week. And the king-sized bed. That was nice, albeit short-lived.

One or the Other

Somedays I miss my previous "bohemian" lifestyle - days filled with visits to exhibitions openings (for the free food), waking up at anytime I like, the interesting jobs I get and most of all, the fascinating people that I meet. But of course, I would be extremely poor and not happy because of that.

I like the world of numbers that I live in now. The constant blimps of figures on the monitors in front of me, the countless charts that I look at, the ability to pursue studies on whatever that pips my interest and the endless streaming of news. The stable paycheck and potential upside sure beats being penniless.

I'm just wondering how I could achieve the best of both worlds without sacrificing one for the other.

In one world, I want to continue working on the current photo project, in time for the open call for next year's international festival; start a little book project; and work on the (pro bono) commissioned project, as I'm using it as a springboard for a project I had since last year.

In the other world, I have worked out the theoretical part of my research and am gearing up for the practical parts. However, I'm behind time in working on the groundwork for the future. I managed to concretize the things that need to be done when I had some time alone last week (finally). Not to mention that my director has placed me on several projects at work on top of my daily duties.

I have a long list of future research to work on but I think I had better take things one step at a time.

Seriously, I am overloading myself as usual. Situations in life change but the person behind the decisions doesn't. (That's why markets continue to behave in the same manner.)

Blank Look

Actually, I have to deal with nasty people almost on a daily basis and that blows. I've been surprising myself with my capability to remain unmoved by emotional outbursts and react accordingly. It's just not nice to start or end the day with clients shouting at me. Bummer.

Also, I seem to be forgetting little things to do lately. I'm just not the most detail-oriented person around. Must be the pile of things that I'm working on, even though nobody really asked me to do them. But if I don't, somebody would query.

Today, I feel like just holing up all alone. Wish I was back in my old place, at least I would have more privacy.

Lyrics Mash: Low Rising + Cocoon

The Swell Season - Low Rising
I wanna sit you down and talk
I wanna pull back the veils
And find out what it is I've done wrong
I wanna tear these curtains down
I want you to meet me somewhere
Tonight in this old tourist town
And we'll go

Low rising
'Cause we've gotta come up
We've gotta come up

* * * * *



The Decemberists - Cocoon
Take this palm, follow the lines here are written
Tracing the veins and the shapes
And feel your fingers falling slack and all folding back

The tainted election, the hole in the sky
Command what is tried, what is true
Without solution, with feet on the ground
It won't make a sound 'til you're through
So loosen your shoulderblades
This is your hour to make due
'Cause there on the timberline
Deep cold November shines through
Soft and absolute

* * * * *

For a friend and maybe myself too.

Working Late

Compared to my brethren who have recently joined the workforce, I seem to have it easier - in the sense that I get to knock off earlier everyday without any overtime. Unbeknownst to many of you, my day never truly ends, even when I step out of the office. Even though the typical day starts at around 0730 hrs (I'm usually at least 20 minutes late but I need to correct this before the colleagues go on leave) and ends at roughly 1800 hrs, I constantly have the markets at the back of my head (or in the palm of my hand, 3G networks). And of course I peruse through countless articles each day and my brain sometimes feels like it has reached maximum capacity.

Today was especially bad since I brought back loads of paperwork from the company-sponsored trip to KL last weekend and had to finish them while juggling my usual duties at the desk.

Here's what transpired between 0750 hrs to 1930 hrs today. I did my daily checks first thing in the morning, wrote my usual weekly report, tried to clear my paperwork as I answered client's queries on account matters, settled (the usual) administrative issues with the back office, worked on a project that my director gave to me, wrote some technical reports, met a client face-to-face to resolve some problems he had (because he was a pain and the seniors didn't want to handle him) and wrote a part of tomorrow's morning report. I came back home to read up on the latest corporate announcements, went through the latest copy of a financial weekly, read a few finance blogs and my usual news feeds.

And that's my typical day full of interjections that disrupt my usual workflow. Oh, and I forgot about the days when orders come in a flurry and everything else is dropped just to complete them. Plus, I'm not the careful type so I often forget about the minor details and screw up on quite a consistent basis for the small stuff, which requires some form of firefighting to resolve them.

That said, I still like what I'm doing now. It's way better than having to monitor somebody's P&L for anomalies, book trades or the entire slew of risk management/back room grunt work that lots of my peers are doing now (sorry dudes).

The coolest thing was that this senior guy (who used to be from my desk and is now directly under the big boss) talked to me for awhile before I left just now. He was surprised to find out that behind the astute advice and keen market foresight was a young punk just fresh out of school (The median age for males here is 30. The job requires quite a fair bit of experience in the sector). The reason was simple as my desk remains one of the most sought after places in the company. It's practically a launch pad for anyone wanting to crossover to somewhere better. There's definitely a bountiful harvest waiting for me at the end of this and I'm ultra thankful for it. Hence, no slacking for me (even without my usual obsessive style of working)!

Warped

Attended a trade fair this morning and for a while, I felt totally out of place in a roomful of suits. I'm definitely not someone who could naturally fit into a networking session but I managed to hold my own after a while. I think that once I get a hang of the value proposition of my desk (hopefully within the next three months), I should be able to sell it better. Right now, I don't see the edge that we could provide, save for the excellent service levels that we give our institutional clients.

The funny thing that I noticed was how warped the view of money people in the industry have.

"Oh, we're a very small hedge fund. We only manage $20 million of assets."

"We have some clients that are not that rich. Our smallest fund that invests in Singapore is only $3 million. The rest of the $50 million are invested domestically."

And that is true too. The numbers are tiny. I don't think that my director would even be impressed.

But then again, 20 million is a good place to start if I ever get to start my own fund. Not too big to get out of hand and substantial enough to make some dough. Assuming that the hypothetical fund charges only 20% of absolute gains above the benchmark, I could still lead to a comfortable life. [If the fund managed to double the S&P500 as the benchmark, which is around 6.96% ytd as of Oct 09 (it was actually in the red since late 2008), the fund would rake in about $560,000 for fees. Other funds charge 1-2% for management fees, even if they lose.]

And of course, a 14% return in a bull market is almost pathetic. Finance professors in schools limited our perception on what are "good" gains. The best funds out there easily make returns of anything between 20-50% in a good year. But sustainability and a whole slew of Greek letters come into play...

Hubris? Ambitious? Maybe a little too much but hey, at least it provides something to look forward to. I think that I'm really falling for this industry.

On a side note, I noticed a drop in traffic for this blog. Been trying to keep this place private and open at the same time but I'm seriously considering some sort of a password protection. Also, it bugs me that so many anonymous friends are picking my brain. Seriously, is this entertainment or food for thought for you?

[p.s. drop me a message on any of the social media outlets so that I know who's reading and I will inform you when I decide to lock the site.]

Me and You

Just watched probably one of the best shows that I have never heard of. Me and You and Everyone We Know is in short, a film student's artwork masquerading as a movie, not that it's a bad thing. It just requires a certain type of...understanding to enjoy the film. Most people would think that it's trying too hard but it doesn't matter. I enjoyed the tiny moments within the show. It has some of the weirdest dialogue ever, yet it all makes sense, in a weird tripped out way.

It's been a while since I watched such a good indie show.

One of my favorite scenes involved the main character acting out the awkwardness the modern day person faces in his/her life with a pair of pink shoes that had 'ME' written on the right and 'YOU' on the left. Another was the scene where the young girl and the main character's son laid staring at the ceiling, talking about how she would decorate her kitchen.

He said, "I'd live up there if I could, if there was no gravity."

And she replied without hesitating, "Yeah, but if you lived up there, all the stuff in my room would fall on you and crush you and you'd die."

Sometimes my brain freezes when I have to spell out alphabets as countries. Usually, I come up with the least obvious ones. I had to spell out my surname over the phone the other day and froze towards the end. I struggled and blurted out N for Nicaragua and G for Guatemala. The lady on the other end must think that I was weird.

Magnificence

Met up with the army peeps last night. Bumped into a uni friend and a primary/secondary school friend. So strange to see everyone moving ahead (directionless) in their lives. A photography-circle/army friend shook his head, saying that I've turned into a sell out but please be a magnificent one.

Had one of my weird dreams (been a while). A typical running around type, searching and escaping from something. The scene - a rundown hospital. Limbs strewn everywhere, a zombie at the doorway, turn and run, run, presence behind catching up, run. If only we could record our dreams. There would be many clues to solving the problems in our daily lives.

Bounce

Finally got bounced up the ladder today because I received my license. This means that I'm legally allowed to give trade advice and put in clients' orders. After two months of waiting, my honeymoon at work is over. Things are gonna get really busy during market hours now. I was just boasting yesterday with the colleagues that I won't be coming back for duty during Hari Raya Haji since I don't have my license. I also agreed that if it came, I would definitely come back for the holiday. So much for being a rattle mouth!

On another note, I was approached yesterday by a representative of a large company for a commissioned shoot. Details haven't come in yet but I'm really surprised and honored by the request. Not a lot of people understand my work, especially when it's all so abstract. My work typically falls into the realm of romantic realism (wikipedia it!) and not at all commercially viable.

Also, I got my film back last week and would be continuing the series that I shot. I got the reaction I wanted when I saw how intrigued the photo shop staff were when they were looking at my images. I managed to get the intended reaction from them and I think there's lots of potential in this. More shooting to be done soon!

Another intense day at work tomorrow and I'm gonna sleep soon. There's been a little too much excitement in my life lately!

Childhood

Weekend Readings

Just read the most succinct explanation of the entire business cycle from boom to bust, monetary policy and government interventions. The intricate theories of economics have always slipped by me as I find it hard to grasp long economic drivel, especially if I couldn't find an application of it (save for the usual layman's concept of lowering interest rates increases borrowing, which increases business spending, and hence increasing overall economic benefits).

However, the chapter in this book that I'm reading managed to combine both the theoretical and practical aspects of things and I'm feeling overwhelmed by it. I've been bothered by the fact that I did not fully understand the intricacies of economics (what we learnt in school barely scratched the surface) and I'm glad I found my answer.

Was facing a wall of sorts lately with regards to personal intellectual development and yet everything seemed to come together in the past two days. Sometimes, it's like the brain reaches a state of saturation and refuses to accept new ideas. The ensuing state of emotional depression follows, further pulling me away from the chase. The happenstance of discovering two books and a myriad of articles just seems so miraculous!

I think I have enough stimulation for now and shall enjoy the rest of my lazy weekend, basking in the comforts indulging my intellectual pursuits (and feeding on brainless TV dramas).

Gap

And this evening, I met a very young chap who's running his own prop trading operation off a local bank with two full-time staff. He's still serving his national service liability but already making some waves of his own. Very impressive. We shared pointers and I'm thinking that a possible partnership may be borne out of this brief encounter. A win-win situation for us.

Also, the actual costs of running an operation is too pricey for now. I barely even have enough savings to tide through a rainy day, much less for my own trading. Been keeping a record of paper trades at work on STI alone and I'm happy with my results thus far. Just gotta keep my head down and keep working, working towards a groundless dream. I know that I have all it takes to change my own reality.

However, it feels like I left an old part of me behind in the darkness.

Insufferable Pushy Type

What do you mean I can't get a table?

I would like to see the manager now.

And then I get invited in as though I'm a big spender.

Egotistical. Self important.

The next time I come around, I'm treated like royalty.

I overlook the fact that there could be saliva in my food and drinks.

Bedtime Thoughts

I haven't written in a while, not for a lack of thoughts but more of a lack of energy. Coming home drained everyday and desperately enjoying the weekend to do things I enjoy have caused me to neglect penning my thoughts here (and on the other blog).

It's been 10 weeks at work and how time flies. At least I'm still enjoying myself immensely, there are an infinite amount of things for me to read and analyze each day, a myriad of tasks to keep me occupied and nice colleagues to have around. I've learnt so much in such a short span of time and even been tasked on 3 projects so far (to be honest, I get to do them cos it's considered extra work by others). Compared to the numbing 10 weeks of internship last year, I must say I've kinda found someplace that I wanna be for a while. At least until I've reached my objectives of learning all I can here and meeting enough people in the industry who can boost me to the next level.

Even then, I do continue reading for my own pleasure outside of work. Finished Salman Rushdie's Midnight Children (finally!) and I'm about to finish Kurt Vonnegut's Sirens of Titans. Essentially, both books have the same underlying theme of one's identity and existentialism. The books are filled with questions on our purpose in life and the eventual (meaningless?) struggles one encounters when tugging against the strings of fate. A little food for thought but the tiredness forms a wall that prevents me from tipping over.

Of course, my head is still filled with ridiculous thoughts on a daily basis but once shared or discussed with another person, they lose significance and I won't write about them here. Had lunch with an old friend and a new acquaintance today. The new person's idealism was so overwhelming that it made me physically sick in the stomach. The old friend had to explain that I'm usually this cynical negative old man and the happy person she met the other day was an extremely rare sight (or when alcohol is involved).

Even though I'm generally not overtly emotional these days, I seem to have switched over to the other fence of indifference. Nothing particularly gets me excited, I live each day like the last; I vary some evenings with a jog, or I do some reading but essentially, there's nothing exciting happening. Well, not that I would want explosions happening in my head all the time..it's just a casual description. I'm in a way, contented; as if I'm floating in equilibrium - without turbulence, an amniotic fluid of artificial peace, brought about not because of happiness but emptiness.

Another cycle occurs in 7 hours and I need my rest. I need to write more soon.

Running Ahead

Picked up a friend's copy of Milan Kundera's Slowness over lunch today. Read the first few pages and the first few paragraphs jumped at me. I don't have the exact quotation here but it went something along like this:

The narrator was driving a car and wondered why people always seemed to be in a rush behind their steering wheels. The explanation was that perhaps when we are driving, we can only look forward. People with the future in front of them are more anxious to get to where they want to be, especially when separated from their immediate surroundings. Whereas, a runner on the road is different. He is acutely aware of his own body, his breathing, cramps and blisters. He is living in the now and can only take one step at a time.

Hence in a few paragraphs, he deftly described the anxiousness human beings feel about the unseen future, hurtling towards it at too fast a pace. Maybe I will pick up the book once I'm done with the two new books.

Think I'm gonna crash soon. Wanted to chill out after my run and dinner. Ended up reading work-related news, blogged and interacted with others via social media. As I was telling the friend over lunch, I rather have the normalcy and smooth-sailing/boring days now than another tumultuous roller coaster ride of emotions.

I've finally got off my make-believe car and took my eyes off the road signs leading to the unknown future. Good or bad? Only time will tell and I'll worry about it when it comes.

The Family

Had to attend one of those dreaded wedding dinners where you didn't know anyone except for your parents and immediate extended family. The groom was a cousin whom nobody liked and his bride was...just plain ugly. The aunts were already gossiping about her so I'm not being mean. Some of the relatives, e.g. my granduncle's daughter's daughter, still remembered me as a boy of knee-height but seriously, what do you say to them?

Questions of what am I doing now, oh why didn't you consider working in a bank, I thought you were still in school and the list continues ad naseum wore me down so much. Some of the second cousins already had a brood of kids and really, I just wish that I never have to attend events like this alone next time.

An interesting observation was that most of them were entrepreneurs, owning a large variety of businesses, from import-export, distribution, construction etc... Little wonder why I embody some streaks of entrepreneurship. Of course my job now may not provide the prestige or stability of working in a bank/MNC but I know deep down inside that I'm here gaining whatever experience I can get. I'm still thankful for it.

However, there are gonna be major changes at work and the synergy we're having now will be gone in maybe another 3 to 4 months. Knowing about it made me worried about my precarious situation in the team. (Drinks with colleagues who can't hold their liquor confirmed many of my intuitive guesses.) Oh well. Office politics really do suck. I guess I have to work doubly hard to support the new head and cement my position. Time to dust off the cloak of political apathy and don on a shrewder appearance.

Goldspot - Rewind

I'm asking you to stay.
The words are finally here,
Let's rewind.
Would you rewind it all the time?
See you're the only star in the film I never made.
Would you rewind it all the time?
Rewind it all the time.

Do we make it to the sequel?
A second chance for our survival.
Well we all need a Hallmark ending
And we change your heart.
It's a long way out.
That's what you said.

It's weighing on my mind.
It's weighing on my mind.
It's weighing on my mind.
Would you rewind it all the time?
Rewind it all the time.

As played on HIMYM Season 5 Episode 2 (tonight's episode). Catchy tune.

Piggy Bank

Finally got the first full paycheck.

And after working on my past month's expenses, it's apparent that having a middle-class income totally sucks.

Saturday's papers had an article about falling wages and rising costs here, with an MP making a stupid comment that if we are living better than we were in the past (ehrm, 40 years ago? but costs were way lower than too) and the poor are taken care of, we should be happy. Well, in that case, what about the middle class that's being squeezed? People spend their entire lives toiling for the artificially price-inflated HDB apartment and then what?

In an overly simplistic saving model (no wage increase, same absolute saving monthly, without using CPF contributions and assuming no compounded returns), it would take me 30 to 35 years to afford payoff a 4/5-room flat here at current housing prices. Also, I am assuming that CPI remains the same and I only take public transport. This worst-case scenario isn't very pretty right?

This also brings to mind the recent quarter-life crisis that I'm experiencing. The mundaneness of each day with no clear path/goal in sight does make me feel a little disconcerted, a little dissatisfied. How do we fill each day with meaning? How do we proceed from here? Religion? Children? Money? Not that I'm looking for a definite answer but it's just a nagging thought. I mean, after living life with definite end points for twenty five years (finishing primary/secondary/junior college/NS/university), this "barrenness" ahead is rather odd.

I'm not sure if my current ambition would even succeed but at least I know I've made progress. Perhaps without a proper structure for validation, its strange. I think that I just need some time getting used to this. And maybe find something else to occupy my free time. It's also been a while since I picked up my camera, maybe I just need to reconnect with my artistic side.

An Empty Desert

Can't deny that last night's wine session with some new acquaintances contained some interesting snippets of conversation that I have not had in a long time. There was a guy who did personality profiling, somewhat similar to the way I study people although he probably has better refinement. Someone talked about Shakespearean sonnets and their structure and his fortuitous find of a 20th century poet who used it in a poem. We also discussed about some books, talked about life and well, it was cool.

I volunteered to take one of the personality pop quiz just for the fun of it, and also to see how accurate this person was. As part of an imaginary exercise, I was asked to imagine a desert and I saw an empty flat desert with blue skies. The explanation was that the desert represents my current state of mind/life, where everything looks smooth sailing but perhaps just a tad too staid. Blue skies reinforced the positive side of things but I thought it was an interesting test nonetheless.

Smile

And I was reminded of
What a dear friend said the other day:

Look at him now
Haven't you noticed?
He's smiling more now
And then they laugh
At my expanding waistline
(They're just not used to me
Dressed in corporate garb)

Emergence

Just when I'm about to crash from waking up so early for work, a torrent of thoughts assailed me from no where and I must write them down.

It just struck me how relatively easier life seems now. With the benefit of hindsight, things seem to have taken a turn for the better (well, until life decides to throw me a sucker punch). Although things appear to be rather staid and cyclical now, the normalcy of it all is much appreciated after the ebbs of previous years. Having climbed out of a personal hell that would have probably crushed someone else, I'm thankful for all the experience. 2008Q4 could rank up there among my life's darkest moments, where everything that I held dear to crashed around me. Pulling myself through all the despair was extremely difficult. I lost count of the nights that I sat in complete darkness, feeling as if the world had foresaken me.

These days, the heaviness that surrounded my heart then has been lifted. Perhaps one could say that it was all psychological and all I needed to learn was how to handle my emotions better. But how could I have learnt if I hadn't walked across a pit of fire? I may get bored of this mundane peaceful experience or I may stumble every now and then but never have I felt this liberated. Wanting (and failing) to achieve every possible thing was just too ambitious I must add that some times I derived a perverse pleasure in all that self-loathing.. For now, I shall be content with what I have and create new dreams of pursuit.

A person without goals is nothing but a shell. However, this time round, I do hope that I have more than what it takes to reach those levels. The road ahead has, finally, cleared up. And I wonder, when will I truly start to smile again?

Ecstatically Nerdy

I just acquired an entire collection of work-related books in pdf and I'm seriously bursting in excitement just looking through some of them.

A parable from one of the books expounded on what I said in my last post and I thought that it was really delightful. Will probably share it over beer or something. :)

I think I'm starting to chart an entire new research path right now, which really involves some heavy number crunching.

Before I left work on Friday, I managed to solve a problem for a study I'm working on. Unfortunately, it's gonna be an entire week of introductory classes for the newbies.

Sadly, school did not really provide this type of intellectual stimulation that I really craved for.

I remember that during my many interviews when I talked about my skill sets, the managers were often curious on how I attained them.

Continuous self-learning and an interest in the subject is key.

Sometimes I forget that most people just intend to live their lives in a form of static bliss.

Ir(Rational) Behavior

In the past few weeks of employment and being more in tune with the markets, I have observed human behavior that would make any economics professor blush in his/her ivory tower. Then again, they may be too high up to hear what people have to say, hiding behind their equations and complex statistical work. (Read: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/06/magazine/06Economic-t.html?em Wonderful article on how economists got it so wrong for the current recession).

While I'm not here to criticize theoretical studies (I am embarking on a project which depends on statistical analysis of past price movements), I just find this divide between the real world and academic world so interesting. Yes, my professors in school waxed lyrical about fundamental analysis of companies to derive their true value, producing charts of how buy-and-hold strategies would have made better profits than other strategies in the past 100 years. Well, a major flaw in this thinking is that one would have been able to spot an undervalued company and bought it at a decent price (note: not at the lowest but somewhere to make substantial profits in the future). Then, you would have been able to sell the asset at a fortuitous time. However, if we took the results out of sample, and say apply it to a normal person's productive life span of 30 to 40 years, at which point in time would we be able to buy low and sell high? You could very well be buying at the top (since valuations look favorable based on past performances) and selling at the bottom (due to some economic crisis or another).

The problem lies in the fact that much of the information publicly available is well, out in the open. Most of the research reports are based on information easily obtained with a few keys on the Bloomberg machine (oh, I'm so in love with it). So, for any evaluation to be complete and true (which is like gazing into a crystal ball), we apply various forms of discount rates and assumptions from which a magical target price appears (and one that's not too outrageous). This was the reason a cognitive dissonance surfaced when I was doing this in school. How could we, with limited information, be able to "valuate" how well a company's gonna do in the future? [I'm sure someone would bring up Buffett but seriously, he is like one in a few billion. A statistical outlier.]

Of course, the danger occurs if we adopt this thinking without much digestion. The stock market easily becomes a casino. I see the same middle-aged man at the customer computer terminal everyday, eyeballing prices and behaving like he was at legal gambling den. There's also this strange man who would appear at around market close and hover around, staring at everyone with an intense look. Sometimes he talks to himself. I also see multitudes of old people gathering at the terminals, talking excitedly about stocks, rumors and such. It's really quite sad though, to see these small players get whipped around by the bigger guys. But I'm getting distracted here.

Anyway, the point was that in this market, it is essentially manipulated by people. Some may be better educated and adopt mathematically insane formulas to make money, while others rely on their guts, and some rely on astrology. We do not live in a perfect rational world, we do not behave rationally. The person with a losing trade may start averaging down, buying more as the prices head lower and eventually losing everything he has. The efficient market hypothesis is just that - something they teach you in school.

My conclusion is that: not knowing what you are doing is dangerous. Pure speculation is just (intellectual) gambling. There are way more factors in the market that one could possibly quantify. Intermarket effects from the Baltic Dry Index to the price of commodities and the drought in Brazil could possibly affect the price of that chocolate manufacturer. How would we, as mere human beings with limited cognitive prowess, claim to be able to predict how things would move in the future?

Sunday Haikus

Lying on the bed
An intense feeling
Melting away

Bedecked by dreams
Swimming in deep water
Flooding office

He walks alone
The boy, with a hole
For a heart

Hello, Me

It's an unexplainable feeling.

I haven't felt this way for a long time and I wondered if the real me had disappeared.

I thought that a swim after work would do wonders but my legs cramped from the long run I did on Monday.

And I end up crashing, crashing beneath the waves.

Hello, it's been a while since I saw you. I thought you left but you didn't.

You were just waiting in the shadows, waiting.

I think I need to take my vitamins.

Taxis and More

Reading about the only Stanford phD taxi driver in the world was very revealing (although slightly one-sided) view of society here. Makes me wonder about all the conversations (in Hokkien) that I have had on my taxi rides home. Just last week, I took a cab driven by an ex-commando, who was part of the pioneering group that ultimately formed the commando battalion here. He talked about his days of youth, as if it was yesterday. Most of the cab drivers do. I never asked how it ended up driving one but he was a very nice person to talk to. He joked about being from China and spoke in a Chinese accent. Anyway, he talked about one of his buddies from the team, who ultimately became a major. However, his last remaining days were spent driving a cab and died of stomach cancer a few years later. Stories like this always make me wonder about the thousands of aging folks fading into obscurity after contributing so much to society when they were young.

That aside, day two of my cubicled life had been good. Colleagues are wonderful and helpful, unlike some places that I have seen and experienced. Although the staff benefits may pale in comparison to the large firms, I think that I have much to learn here. It ain't easy for a fresh grad to obtain this role with this type of portfolio in the industry, so said the competitor's interviewer (when I was there last week for an interview for a similar role there). But a sudden call on Thursday and a quick confirmation on Friday saw me start work yesterday. The story of my life, sometimes, the constant chaotic whirlwind of events!

On other random matters, the Egyptian man I spoke with on the plane to KL came to Singapore today with his family. I showed them around downtown after work and took the bum boat down the river. I acted like a tour guide for whoever was listening to me on the boat ride. It felt a little patriotic to show people your hometown. Guess it's my little way of paying it forward (and back) for all the kindness that strangers bestowed on me during my travels. :D

Conversations with Strangers

Had a wonderful and eventful trip to Mumbai. Met a number of people and struck up meaningful conversations. I first met a British medical student in the hostel, who was on her second trip to India. Pleasant to talk to and we walked around a market on my second day. Exchanged some pointers on where to go and what to see. It was quite an experience to go to a foreign land without any preparations or a guidebook/map.

There was the shoeshine scam by the guy from Jaipur. He was selling maps along the street and we talked for quite a while. Bought him a meal and before I knew it, his posse turned up and I made a hasty exit. So much for being nice. Back at the hostel, I talked to the owner and his workers. Seems like the terrorist problem there has cast a dark shadow over the common folks' lives. It all seems to remote and removed when we watch or read the news about it.

Then I met my dad's supplier, a young Indian businessman. Found out more about his culture and also his plans for the business. Interesting to note that the caste system is still very much inherent socially. We sat in a park in Mumbai's richest area and just right beside it was a slum surrounded by condominiums that cost more than the entire life earnings of everyone in the slum. It was shocking to see the slums surrounding the airport, which looked really new and nice.

On my flight to Kl, I sat next to an Egyptian geologist who was visiting this part of the world to attend his daughter's graduation ceremony. We had an excellent conversation throughout the flight. Makes me want to travel to Egypt and visit the pyramids. We talked about our cultures and food, and I offered to show his family around when he comes here in a few weeks' time. I really enjoyed talking to him!

It was weird being the only Oriental-looking person around for the past few days I was there. Also, it took quite a while to get used to the indifferent attitudes the locals had. While curious, they would just stare at you for a long time and when probed, they would just shake their heads and stare into the distance. Nevertheless, I managed to see and experience a small slice of one of the world's most populous country. Definitely worth exploring in the future.

Worst Tourist in the World

I must be one of the worst tourists in the world.

Instead of scampering at sights within the limited time here in Mumbai, I basically had no idea where I was or where I was headed 90% of the time. The other 10% was spent waiting to cross the roads. I must say though, my road crossing abilities have improved over the years. Traffic here's quite manageable.

First impressions of Mumbai were:
1. It's a much cleaner city than I expected.
2. It's your usual chaotic Asian metropolis, sprawling like some uncontrollable beast.
3. People walk fast. Faster than I do. And pushy people, literally.
4. I like the Gothic architecture and the touches the British left behind. Some parts reminded me of the colonial-era houses back home. (I totally adore the old-school elevators. Too bad that I don't have a chance to ride on one yet.)
5. So far, no need for haggling yet. Metered transportation is the way to go.

Luckily I have a thing for Indian food and found my meals here to be delectable so far. However, traveling without a clue of what's at a place has been quite an experience. Today, I wandered for five hours on foot and saw some rather interesting human behavior. (Only touristy thing I saw was Gateway of India and the ill-fated Taj Mahal Hotel next door.)

I was propositioned to help a guy change his life by buying him a shoeshine box, which I found totally ridiculous. I'm a friendly guy but definitely not foolish. Interestingly, at the Gateway, there were this entire bunch of working photographers who printed your pictures on the spot. Well, I saw an entire gang got chased out by the police, followed by a fight between one of them and a customer. Some shouting and possibly profanities in Hindi were exchanged. I walked through a small slum. Walked into a demonstration, protesting about something that I did not understand. Also, the nationalized bank workers are on strike these two days. I walked alongside kids going home from school and they looked totally cute. But the best thing is that there are books to buy everywhere! I'm definitely going to get myself something tomorrow. So far the stomach's been holding out but I think tomorrow will probably see me getting more adventurous in the epicurean department.

The most interesting experience today was the train ride back. An old man was talking to me in Hindi, possibly giving me advice on how to get out of the jam-packed cabin. When the train stopped, I was totally not prepared for what happened next. 20 over guys tried to rush in, while I was trying to get out. It felt like a rugby scrum and I held my fort well. Sorry for the dude who pushed me man, I had to push him back like a few metres. Lol.

I guess this trip hardly scratches the surface of traveling in India but I'm glad to be able to experience some of it. I think that the mere fact of being away from home and put into a bustling city, makes me feel so much more alive.

Tears of a Stranger

Yesterday, the girl who sat beside me started crying out of the blue.

I tried to ignore her but I realized I couldn't. I mean, her business's not mine, so why should I care?

So I asked if she needed a tissue, only to discover that all I had were crumpled pieces of serviettes pilfered from Starbucks.

I looked at the mess, turned to face her but didn't make contact. Then I stuffed them back into my bag and looked ahead.

She left abruptly in the end. I hope she found her peace somehow.

Hide and Don't Seek

One of those days when I'm just hiding from all sorts of human contact.

Just need a little space and time alone, I guess.

Don't feel like doing anything in particular too.

Everything seems to have lost its luster.

Bye.

Dreaming and Running

Woke up with a start when I was dreaming about this 30ish looking guy telling me that, "We are a hardworking company. Even though we are small, we work really hard. Not only do we develop solutions in the day, we also sell insurance and property at night. Last year alone, we made $800 million among 5 of us. So join us."

I remember thinking in my dream that it was impossible, or rather, he was the one raking in most of the distribution, leaving the soon-to-be minion with all the dirty work.

Even in my dream, I wondered how much sleep they got and were they really happy. I was thinking that it wasn't worth sacrificing so much and that I could do better without them.

I'm just thinking how did I process things subconsciously to result in a dream like that.

On Monday, I went for a long jog. After struggling for the first 25 minutes, I finally managed get into the groove and really enjoyed the solitude. I ran all the way to Lower Seletar reservoir, where I saw a double rainbow and a stork looking for food. It was a nice feeling, to encounter nature like this. At about 6km, my mind wandered and I thought about something that troubled me for the rest of my run. I realized that I seemed to have lost a focus in life. Ironically, it was always about finishing school and starting something...just that I never knew (and still don't know) what that something was. I pondered about the meaning of this existence (again) and questioned the need to achieve certain life goals. And I felt that it wasn't worth it, somehow.

Then again, I was never the altruistic kind. I don't think I will ever make a big difference to anybody's suffering. Yet, I know that my being here has touched many lives. If I wasn't around, things wouldn't have been the same and I felt better. Nevertheless, that entire thought process caused me to run a total of 13km, which brought me into another loop of whether I should join the marathon at the end of the year...it never stops!

Last night, I had a nice dinner and talk with a mentor of mine. He was always puzzled about my apparent conflict in life and wondered why. He was obviously peeved after dinner when he thought that I wasn't taking any risk in life and if I had chosen this path, I shouldn't be mulling over it all the time. But somehow, the conversation progressed over beer (oh man, missed these long drawn beer conversations) and I revealed the reasons behind my decisions. I guess it's one thing debating things over logically in my head but another to really say what's hidden deep down inside. What made it touching was that he patted me on my back and said that he finally understood and I made the right choice. It felt as if a stone was lifted from my chest, that nagging feeling of having to give up a dream forcibly totally went away. :)

Jack Johnson - They Do They Don't

With all its do's and don'ts
The future is an empty promise
Unconcerned and so tired of waiting
We could sell it wooden horses
full of nightmares and when they open
This all might recompose
There's no going back to the good old days
it's just a phase bring in some new life
Archaism is a dusty road leading us back to nowhere

But if we're the ones to blame then the fruit
Shouldn't taste so good we were used
Used to thinking we got nothing to lose
We're losing everything but the truth
Is walking straight into a roadblock, ending left here bending
Your point of view was chosen by the serpent's ruse

How come when we say we do
We don't
How come when we say we will
We won't

Slipping

Brain's been pretty quiet lately, ergo no new thoughts or insights into life. Perhaps a correlation to my unusually busy unemployed life where I toil for others as a free laborer.

It's wearing me down. This little arrangement. I feel myself slipping back down that rabbit hole.

At least I had some time for fishing on Saturday. Two good friends baking in the sun, catching up, spending time, talking nonsense and most importantly, reeling in fish.

Realized my newly developed ability to be more forgiving and less judgmental of others. A fresh breath of air, I guess. I found out how tiring it was to talk to a critical person.

Now I know why fishmongers wear aprons. Scales fly everywhere when you are trying to remove them.

I have been smelling like a fish since then.

Spent the entire day shooting my friends yesterday. Physically worn out from it but I guess, they were the closest friends I've made in four years. The entire bunch. I'm still thankful for them.

However, I hate looking at images I just shot. All the imperfections, all the things I could have done better are still fresh in my head.

At least some classical music is soothing the soul within.

OHCRAP

Been busy the entire week trying to wrap up an external project while running daily reports for my future boss. As a test of my abilities, I had to write down my thoughts on the market and generate some ideas each day. My interview was Monday evening and so far, I have been sending him a report each night (just finished one, on average it takes me about 4 hrs to review things). Well, I think that the reports must have been good enough for him to reschedule my second interview (which was supposed to be sometime next week) to tomorrow!

(And then I scream.)

Suddenly, it seems like I will be chaining myself to a desk and joining the burgeoning ranks of soulless workers.

I was down at Shenton Way earlier in the afternoon to run an errand when the lunch-time zombies sauntered pass me. It felt extremely horrible. For all my years of dreaming and yearning for a more free-spirited existence, I feel as if I've been defeated by the sad reality of life here. My bank account looks at me dejectedly and spits at me in the eye.

At least I would have some form of stable income and something to anchor me down.

(And I scream a few more times.)

A friend in Melbourne saw my tweet earlier today about heading to town during lunch and thought I had gotten myself a job. She commented that I had appeared to be more like the Holland V type, with t-shirt and jeans. I met a friend for coffee and he laughed at me in my face, taunting me that I was too free-spirited, too hungry to be able to take a 9-5 job. I was meant to start my own ventures (incidentally, he had quit his job this week and is planning to focus full-time on his many business ventures).

With comments like this, I can only shake my head and console myself that I've got greater plans up my sleeves. All I need now is to increase my capital, learn more about the markets, keep my mind open and sharp, pay my dues and eventually step out of the cubicle.

Of course, I'm wary of the comfort-zone death trap. But what can I do now with the little assets I have and an almost non-existent working experience? Also, commoditizing my photography for the better part of the past 4 years have left quite a bad taste in my mouth. I haven't been able to break out of the bottom ranks and it would take perhaps another 2 years for me to reach someplace comfortable. I can't afford to be a starving artist when I'm almost gonna be penniless and my camera is starting to show its age!

With that, I humbly accept my next phase in life. (Oh, please let it be eventful and not burn out the fire within me.)

The Fray - You Found Me

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything".

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

I'm ready to sell my soul now.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter.

What Do You Want In Life, Really?

And that questioned stumped me.

Despite all the time I spend thinking about it, I have yet to come to a true conclusion.

Fact is...after all these searching, I'm no where near the answer.

Note

Dear Parents,
If you have noticed (okay, maybe you haven't because both of you were not home the entire week), I have been less than enthusiastic about my current unemployment situation. Maybe it's causing you some worry but I think I'm handling myself very well now. I'm working on a few side projects, which could potentially grow into some more. (Plus, I am getting paid for my work.) I don't know about you but I think that it is more important for me to pursue what I enjoy right now than putting myself at a desk-bound job doing something I hate. Most of the jobs out there do not appeal to me because I am unable to satisfy my immense obsession with Excel (the numbers program, in case you forgot, which I tried to teach you). Those jobs that could possibly meet that need are currently being contended for by countless of experienced hires. Hence, it would put me in a very bad mood if I was to get a job for the sake of having a job. (I already have one, okay, more than one.)

To put your fears at ease, I'm suggesting that I give myself six months (to the end of this year) to make something out of whatever-the-hell I'm working on right now. At least I haven't felt so free and liberated in...the past 25 years that I've been alive!

Your (not so) loving Son.

Inaction

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly practical or my head's really stuck too far up among the clouds that I fail to see things?

Am also under the impression that I live in much optimism, especially when it concerns future streams of revenue.

Hope never killed anyone. Inability to take action does.

Is There Anything Good About Men?

Interesting read about the differences between men and women. It begins on a humorous note, asking why women are simply, more lovable than men. It also provides new basis for understanding gender politics and inequality.

Essentially narrows down that gender motivation is the cause of the huge disparity in income/creativity/science+math ability. And that the variance is caused by statistical fallacies, more than anything. Surprisingly, human population is descended from twice as many women as men, based on DNA analysis. This means that 80% of women reproduced and only 40% of men did. Hence, leading to certain evolutionary traits developed by human beings over time.

The huge difference in reproductive success very likely contributed to some personality differences...Women did best by minimizing risks, whereas the successful men were the ones who took chances. Ambition and competitive striving probably mattered more to male success (measured in offspring) than female. Creativity was probably more necessary...sex drive difference was relevant: For many men, there would be few chances to reproduce and so they had to be ready for every sexual opportunity. If a man said “not today, I have a headache,” he might miss his only chance.

Essentially, men and women have different social relationships, women contributed to nurturing the next generation while men just tried to kill each other. So what are men good for? 1. Creating large social networks. 2. High risk, high payoff activities, e.g. protection of women/children, warfare. 3. Prove themselves, hence providing more for the family, re: more high heels.

Logically it makes sense but it still doesn't answer the basic question that bugs all men, why is it so hard to understand women?

[The argument becomes less convincing further down the article but I will let that slide. I'm too sleepy.]

Memories Faded

Slowly we forget
The reason of being

Moments, emotions
fade into oblivion

What remains

The intricate pain of forgetting
and remembering

Clearing Skies

It's good that it rains before I wake up at 6 am everyday. Although there are no more roosters crowing here at obscene hours, I find myself waking up early every single day. And I sleep promptly after twelve, which is a really good change. I hope to maintain this, of course.

Past few days been filled with a whirlwind of activities and looks like it would continue to be like this for the rest of the week and some parts of next. (Sounds like some weather forecast)

While the bank account looks dejectedly at me, I can only pray for the better. I'm sure things will look up pretty soon. Got a few leads for jobs and I'm seriously at a lost. Everything sounds good but which sector will I achieve the most in? Also, contemplating about finally registering the little business that I've been running since I'm rather free (relatively speaking) now.

Alright, got some trading programs to write, a website to design and some photo stuff to be done! However, there seems to be a slight imbalance in the brain chemicals today and it's nagging at me.

Perspective

Nothing puts life more in perspective than a mate's announcement of his impending marriage. OMFG!

And there I was, less than a week ago, sitting on foreign soil looking at stars and thinking, "Oh how nice it is if I could just roam the world with no care or worry."

I was even contemplating that it's way too young to settle down, there's still so much of life ahead and somebody has to get married.

We've finally reached the stage where it's time to start our own little (worthless) lives.

OMFG.

The dream has ended. And it's not looking that bad yet.

I've got lotsa things to clear on my to-do list and I've already plowed through quite a number of them since I woke up. Swim at the pool was great.

Now, time to clear the head and bring it down from the clouds.

Time to start planning, time to start saving.

Goodbye, sweet youth. Hello, life.

Waking Up

When the plane landed, it felt as if the haze was lifted. As the plane's tires screeched on the runway, each bump was a wake-up call. This is it. This is the end. Time to wake up and face the world. I wish I could relive some moments during the trip, hoping that it would last longer. But of course, that's wishful thinking. Real life begins now.

So long my last holiday. So long freedom.

Going Home

It's nearing the end of the journey and a heavy downpour in Manila made the air seem a little fresher. Earlier in the week, I broke off with the group again to do some traveling alone. Squeezed onto a jeep with 50 locals and we went across some really bad terrain to get to a little quaint beach town.

It was at Port Barton that I saw the greatest amount of stars in my life. The entire sky was filled with celestial bodies. The first night, three quarters of the town's tourists (7 of us) gathered on the beach with the owner of this really good restaurant and her nieces. We got drunk on some beer and a sweet tequila and rum sling. Saw 6 shooting stars that night and a meteor that lit up the entire beach. As I covered my feet in the cool sand, I thought about how beautiful everything was.

With the flight home just two days away, I find myself retreating into my corner. I do not wish to face life so soon. Time really flies when your only worry is what to eat for dinner. Going home to unemployment sure is a downer.

About Time

Strangely, the trip has been plagued by all possible things that could go wrong. Missing our flight, visa issues, (almost) road accidents, landslides, natural disasters, pickpocketing and more. Haven't been able to get much work done here, which is starting to get me frustrated. Stuck in Manila but tomorrow we finally can get out of this place. Managed to get a deal to shoot some stuff but I'm really not counting on it because it is quite a difficult task.

Hardly have time to think but times when I go off on my own are the quietest and I can hear myself think. Really spending my cash reserves like water and eating/indulging in excesses makes for a long, hard exercise regime when I get back.

Nevertheless, I'm glad to be here more than anywhere else. Just wish I had more money/time. Seriously not looking forward to endless job applications etc when I return.

Journey Out

Every time I leave the country, I'd find it hard to sleep the night before. Freedom and a great sense of adventure awaits.

I love airplane rides and airports, mainly because I associate it with getting away from all this shit here. The time to leave for India has finally arrived and I'm totally psyched. Looked at some images from a street shooter in Bangalore and my senses are sharpened. I dream of beautiful lighting, setting the chaotic scenes of people, colors and cows alight. The grittier the place, the more keen I am to document the hidden beauty. Hopefully, I would return with a full set of work that I can actually sell or write a story about.

I pray for good weather and an awesome trip. This time round, I'm seriously jumping into the unknown and I'm excited.

Struggles

I think subconsciously, I'm troubled by things that I cannot pinpoint. All that anger and frustration gets channeled into a caustic, hostile personality, which is worsened when some alcohol is thrown into the mix. Although I still think that my actions last night were justified; socially, I think it's a wrong act and I would be paying for it years down the road. Don't really care about the friendship because there wasn't a concrete one to begin with but more worried about the professional image.

Sigh. Need.To.Learn.How.To.Stop.Being.So.Pissed.All.The.Time.

Breathe.

Signs of Times

Spotted on a photo forum: Willing to give lens (worth $3k+) for a job offer in the shipping field.

I guess unemployment is affecting the person extremely badly.

Oh, just received the first official rejection from an application earlier this year. Their loss.

tomorrow, a new life awaits.

i'm unsure.

i'm empty as usual.

perhaps more so now that it's all over.

Seascape

I use my digital camera as a polaroid for my medium format because I can't afford to buy a polaroid back and polaroids are expensive now.

Anyway, this is a digital proof of my new series. Finally started working on it after bouncing the idea in my head for a really long time. Will have to see the roll developed to see how this goes.

Issues

suddenly i realize that everybody has issues. no matter how big or small, they are still issues and it's not as easy as comparing d24 and cat mountain durians.

someday, i hope to be less judgmental and be glad for my sufferings (actually, maybe i'm glad for them but i just wish i wasn't so screwed up)

Strange Signs

It's odd to see countless signs popping up everywhere. Roads signs pointing to different directions, like a visit to a Malaysian mall and a desperate need to find the tandas. A very desperate situation.

So I was watching the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother (yes, I spend possibly too much time catching up on TV on my computer even though I tell people I don't watch TV because Channel 5 produces shows about kids catching spiders or a very very angry man sitting in a dark room). Often, I contrast the different lives the main characters lead, especially Ted, with his new architecture firm, and Barney, with his corporate jet-setting-no-one-knows-what-the-hell-he-does-but-he's-cool job. Things would just pop up at me, little nuggets of wisdom and clarity, which of course gets forgotten once I start laughing.

And...back to the story. Ted set up a firm on his own, in his own apartment and he needs to cold call some clients. After procrastinating for days, he finally confesses that, "The longer I put off starting my own firm, the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at. I just think I'm giving up before I even started."

It hit me hard. The realization that this is exactly what I'm going through right now. Standing at the crossroads and staring at the future, a big black gigantic goo of unknown, I find myself halting my footsteps and refusing to move. I don't know where to go because I'm afraid that I'll screw up. No matter what choice I take, something bad would happen. I would lose my soul to money, I would lose my sanity, I would lose my passions, et cetera and ad nauseam.

You know what, nobody said that life's gonna be easy. Neither did the person say that whatever choice you take would have to be a good one. But the fact is that you have to take that leap, if not, you're not gonna be going anywhere. Then again, it's begging the question because given this thought, where are you going to jump next? Down a deep ravine or into the choppy sea? No one knows what's best for you, I guess. You just gotta do it and figure the next move on your own. Falling at an accelerating speed of 9.8m/s²? Take a parachute, dammit. Drowning in the waves? You forgot your freaking lifejacket!

With this, I hope to end the incessant nagging at the back of my head. It really doesn't matter, somehow.

I just need to make a decision.

(Maybe after I return from my trip. Actually, I have been formulating this in my head for days but I just needed a springboard to let it all out. Oh and I totally love the show.)

Itsy Bitsy Spider

Hopping in a big ol' world.

Unable to see farther than its myopic eyes would allow.

Existentialist Menu

The theme today is "Reality Dissonance".

For starters, we have "What Are You Doing With Your Life?".

As for the main course, you can have a choice between "Where Are You Heading Now, Since It's Over?" or "Are You Sure?".

For desserts, the chef recommends a healthy dose of "I Don't Belong Here. I Need a Map." It's bound to send you flying over the moon, as you search in the dust for answers that don't exist.

We have something else in store, a large serving of "Could We Start All Over Again?", which boasts a delectable conflict of flavors in your mouth as you savor the "I Could Haves" in your life.

That sir, is what we have specially prepared for you. Enjoy your meal.

And Today...

I went back down down the slide.

The Robot's March

Haven't stopped working. Staring at excel day in and day out. From the time I wake to the time I sleep. I know the rest see through my complains; I secretly reap enormous pleasure from cell-tweaking. Work work, or so the peons say.

Took a bus in the wrong direction, only to discover it 45 minutes too late. Talked to a friend for the entire evening, baring bits and pieces of our souls (all sucked up in our vortexes). I laugh internally halfway through as I looked at his desire to change, to be a better person. Not that I don't think that we should be better but the futility of it all. A bittersweet laugh, maybe.

"How do we stop being so intense?" he asks.

"We can't. That's how we were born. We can only learn how to manage it better," I replied matter-of-fact.

"What if we fail? What is the probability of success? I am so tired of being down here all the time."

I shrug. I don't have an answer to that. Somedays I am fine, somedays my entire being twirls down a deep chasm.

"We just have to believe."

Believe. The first word I drew on my secret black notebook. Such a pompous word. Believe? What do we believe in? What should you believe in?

Muse - Sing for Absolution

There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth burns deep inside
And will never die

Muse - Citizen Erased

Wash me away
Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
They will only bring us pain
And I've seen, all I'll ever need

Tensed

Preparing to write my final piece for class. So far, the results hadn't been that fantastic. Probably end up with a B+ at the most.

Typed furiously and cursed really loudly as I edited my other group report earlier.

Still cringing from staring at excel and running simulations.

I need a shoulder and neck massage next week.

Off to sad songs to break the emotional wall and let the words rush like an ocean. An emotional piece this would be.

nabei.

Portishead - We Carry On

The taste of life I can't describe
It's choking on my mind
Reaching out I can't believe
Faith it can't decide

On and on I carry on
But underneath my mind
And on and on I tell myself
It's this I can't disguise

Oh can't you see
Holding on to my heart
I bleed the taste of life

Where Do We Go From Here?

Once again, the assailing of thoughts and pondering of the endless paths before us.

Take each step gingerly, gently. Maybe. Maybe we won't fall again. The economic black hole and broken hearts. Broken minds. Twisted out of recognition. I can smell fear. I can smell the rain.

Three more weeks. The cold embrace of unemployment. Take me in and let me sleep.

Maybe I would end up on the road less traveled, which makes me feel slightly less disconcerted. Projects left unfinished. My multi-disciplinarian juggling act. Bring me to see the world. Take me on a balloon ride. Floating above everything.

Floating away.

(I wish I had more money)

Flaws

For I am not without flaws.

(Been using too many double negatives lately.)

And here we go again. Spiraling. Falling.

Pretend. Smile. Hide.

Behind my big ol' wall.

Setting Sun

It's weird that a vernacular image like this taken earlier in the day totally embodies what I want to say.

I really cannot put my emotions down in words.

But it was really bright.

To see the entire room bathed in golden light.

And feeling the moment.

And thinking.

If only I could shine a torch as bright down the darkness of my being.

What's Not Meant to Be

Trying very hard not to be pissed by the client (so much for friends) who just dropped me for his wedding day. Kinda sucks every time somebody rejects me for work. It's been so many years and I haven't learnt how to handle it. I guess it goes hand in hand with how desperate I am. And right now, I am fucking fucking fucking desperate. MY India-chapati fund looks like it just shrank by half and there are no new leads in the foreseeable future. *grumps*

School's coming to a close. Project deadlines coming faster than I dunno, a speeding pink rhinoceros, and I'm wishing this term wouldn't end.

Love-hate relationships. Totally.

But then again, maybe it's because of all the wonderful people this term that made everything so much better. :)

Alright, need to go back to staring blankly at the textbook and figure a way to valuate my simulation.

(BTW, getting pissed off with my other group who obviously are not bothered with the project despite my efforts to get it to move)

Grrrrr. Angsty Sunday/Pre-Monday blues.

Losing

I don't know why but I seem to be misplacing my stuff mysteriously. I lost my student matriculation card last week and calls to all the places I was at proved to be a wild goose chase. Obviously I'm not gonna make a replacement because it costs $70. Now I don't really have a souvenir for the days I have (semi) slogged in school.

And today, I realized that my VGA cable is missing. Which kinda sucks because I can't remember if I left it somewhere or did I lent it to some forgetful soul. I'm hoping somebody remembers it for me.

Now that it's 4 more weeks to the end, I'm facing a giant void (safe for the grad trip). The job market's horrendous and there are already 14,000 graduates out there who are unemployed.

Welcome to the real world, hon.

The Creative Process

In a short reflective moment, I discovered the reason why I enjoy producing work. After finishing my short story for class, a feeling of accomplishment flooded me. The world looked brighter (it just rained) and my brain raced at neck-breaking speed. I saw beauty in the most banal objects, the urge to create more was growing.

And that's why I love what I do. Photography, writing, doodling and writing. Even coming up with complex spreadsheets fills me with endless joy.

I want to live a better life, one where I can focus on what I love. Unfortunately, practicality and feelings of inadequateness prevent me from doing so.

I wonder.

Differences

Finally caught The Wrestler last night. I think it's a much better movie than Slumdog, the performance by Mickey Rourke was incredible. There was so much pain, history and personal experiences woven into his acting. It was more of a parallel of his life played out on screen. Everything just looked so bleak.

It got me thinking halfway through. Do I want my own life to end up this way? A washed up has-been? To be all alone in the world, reliving past glories? It frightens me. To struggle your whole life and see what defines you being taken away by the cruel onslaught of time. Is this what it means to live?

In one of the most tender moments in the movie, the lead character, Randy 'The Ram' Robinson speaks with his daughter (whom he sort of walked out on), "I'm an old broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be all alone, I just don't want you to hate me."

There's nothing left in the end when you're all alone without family and friends.

In his acceptance speech for his Golden Globe award, Rourke said, "I'd like to thank all my dogs. The ones that are here, the ones that aren't here anymore because sometimes when a man's alone, that's all you got is your dog. And they've meant the world to me."

It's just so sad, isn't it?

Lyrics

I suck at picking up lyrics from songs because I'm not very aurally developed. However, this song makes me smile:

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me, me

Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

How can you dislike a band called the Neutral Milk Hotel?

Scored a job today and I'm glad. I have to chase after some bills but otherwise I'm in a comfortable place. I've not had lots of sleep lately but I guess work puts a smile on my face. Well, unless you see me in the morning with an incredible scowl don't-come-fuck-with-me look. I hate waking up in the mornings.

That Familiar Feeling

Sitting in class struggling to keep awake. My engine's running out of gas. NIghts of sleeping at 4am and waking up around 7-10am for the past few days has taken its toll on me. I just wanna go back and sleep right now but I have other work to do. (Not to mention that I ran 12km on Thu, worked on Fri, had a test on Sat and a very lazy meeting on Sun)

There just ain't no rest for the wicked.

Anyway, looking at how the economy is heading even lower (STI broke the 1,500 support level today), it suddenly dawned on me that maybe we should suck it up and do something that we've never dared to do before. You know, instead of going down the corporate path, take this opportunity to try something else. *shrugs* Of course, I did not consider practicality when this thought popped in my head.

One of Those (Rare) Days

I'm on a roll today. The moment I stepped out of my door, I received a call that my audition for a role on TV was successful. So yeah to that! I'm gonna fulfill my fame-whore dreams. Then I went to sit for my CMFAS 1A module test and I did really well on it. (I'm quite sad that my friends didn't pass though.)

Spent the entire afternoon talking about various stuff with 2 fellow INTJs, and halfway through, I calculated that the odds of having 3 INTJs at one place would be 0.008%. That's quite a fascinating statistic. I came back home in the evening and ran 11+km, about 10% increase from last week. This is after Monday's brutal gym session so I think I'd have to lie down (if I can) for the next few days.

Now I'm reeling from post-runner's high and everything is just so rosy. I need to enjoy this while it lasts. =)

Edit: Wee! Just received a last minute job for tomorrow. Although I have a test on Sat so I can't really stay out.

Faith.

That's all we need.

I will be better. I am better.

Quiet. Uncertain.

I was saddened. I was disappointed.

I was wrong. I was brave.

I am recalcitrant. I am reluctant.

Years distilled into a brief moment together.

Holding you. Needing you. Missing you.

Familiar smells. Familiar face.

The hearts. Do they still beat together?

Unknown. Undecided.

Conflicted. Confused.

I spent the whole day thinking.

I sought help.

I asked and I prayed.

Still silent.

I was warned not to be hasty.

And I will wait, for now.

Again and Again

I'm tired. Working like a dog. Working odd jobs. Working odd hours.

Too tired. Too painful.

I have a shoot later.

I still have other things to do.

No time. Never enough time.

Always a wrong time. Always in the wrong.

No one's home. Nobody. Nobody's left.

Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - Once

Part of me
Has Died
And won't return
And part of me
Wants to hide
The part that's burned

Once, once
Knew how to talk to you
Once, once
But not anymore

Hear the sirens call me home (x4)

Part of me
Has vied
To watch it burn
And the heart of me
Has tried
But look what it's become

Once, once
I knew how to look for you
Once, once
But that was before
Once, once
I would have laid down and died for you
Once, once
But not anymore.

Hear the sirens call me home (x4)

Moving Along, Unknowingly

Assisted a friend this morning for a shoot and he asked me about my future plans. I really cringe each time this question pops up during conversations. Deep down inside, I really don't know where I am heading to or what I really want out of my life. I told him about not continuing with photography full-time and that I've been sending out resumes to a myriad of companies. While corporate life may appear to be stiffer and more boring, making a living shooting is just too...unstable. I admit that I have had dreams of doing something that I like but I think this time round, practicality rules above all.

Had dinner with another friend last week quite coincidentally. I had just finished a shoot while he was on his way to a job. We talked about the photography business in general and he taught me a few marketing tricks. I think most people are taken aback when I say that I do not intend to carry on in the industry. Somedays, I just feel that I'm not good enough. Period. Other days, I want to experience the corporate life for awhile before deciding on the next path.

At least I don't feel so conflicted these days. I may not know where I am heading but I know that I have to do something about it. I have an inkling that of all the resumes that I've sent out, I'd get back at least one reply. Even then, it's only for the interview and things are too murky for me to see clearly.

Living the life as a creative certainly rocks (if you discount the sporadic paychecks, long hours and big egos). But I do want to attend to other aspects of my intellect and curiosity. I'm certainly spoilt for choice.

I Forgot

I have forgotten when it last rained. The hot weather had been wrecking havoc on me, always feeling flustered and full of angst. When the heavens opened up earlier, I finally felt relieved. It's been awhile. So I read a short story, watched a romantic show on TV and drank my tea. It's been awhile. Funny how the weather affects me so much. I just love it when it rains. It refuels me. I'm ready to start work. I have a story to write, tests to study for and lots of pictures to edit.

In this recess week, I hope to spend more time with myself.

I haven't forgotten the strange dreams I had. There were two parts to it: the first involved a friend's death and another's anguish. The other was about a quest for dinner, rain and a very unhelpful telephone operator. I have no idea what they all mean, really. Maybe the subconscious is giving me signs about the new friends in my life.

Old Friends

It's been awhile since the old clique hung out together. Everyone's put on more weight and we take up more space in pictures. It was fun to spend time together although sometimes I feel that I'm the one most removed from the group. Then again, in any group setting, I'm always on the peripheral, never having much commonality with everyone. Cars, motorbikes and soccer are just not my topics. But of course I do miss everyone. I've sort of lost touch with them over the years, especially after moving so far away and having someone else in my life then. Seeing everyone with someone special today made my heart ache. There's a reason why I would like to earn enough so that I can afford to move back to the east. I do miss my friends.

Portishead - Seven Months

How can I forget you
Disregard how I feel
Silently listen
To the words I can't see
For as long as I have tried
And as low as I can be
I will never resign myself
From the trial I seek
Why should I forgive you
After all that I've seen
Quietly whisper
When my heart wants to scream
For as long as I have tried
And as low as I can be
I will never resign myself
From the trial I seek
There's no time to rest
Or to reconsider
For this cruel unsaid, won't concede
For as long as I have tried
And as low as I can be
I will never resign myself
From the trial I seek

Are You Alright?

Sometimes I ask myself this question (especially after drinking two nights in a row and getting seriously smashed last night).

Last night was bad. A long night split into four parts with segues that involved me giving directions while inebriated, playing dumb drinking games that I kept losing (who wouldn't after 6 hours of drinking?), picking up a random guy to introduce to a friend's friend whom I just met and trying to sleep it all off by the river.

But really? Was this all for fun? Or is there something fundamentally more wrong (and insidious) deep down inside?

I guess I won't find the answers typing this out anyway. Shrugs.

Off for more fun tonight. I hope it won't be another long passage of darkness again.

Reload

Looking through my archives for my portfolio revamp. I always wondered why some people I pass on the street look vaguely familiar. Then it occurred to me that I might possibly have images of them on my computer.

Thousands of pictures of strangers. I won't know their names. I won't know where they stay.

There's only one person among them that I really want to talk to.

But I'm not sure if I'm ready.

(p.s. have been coughing for the past week and cough syrup doesn't help)

Found some old files stashed away in the hard drive.

Suddenly it dawned on me that I'm really fucking talented.

I shouldn't really be screwing around and doing dumb things.

Bright things ahead, hopefully.

A Year Ago

How things seemed so different yet so similar exactly twelve months ago.

I was contemplating about the next step in life, hoping to attain self-actualization. Now, I don't think I'm making any conscious effort at all. I have surrendered myself to some cosmic wave that will just push and tug me along. I don't really want to make the efforts to worry/think/mull about it anymore. It's just too tiring.

Think I need a little solitude now. Sharing a room means a complete lack of alone time. And I can't stop coughing, which kinda sucks. Wrote like 3,500+ words yesterday for creative writing class. Words just flow like water sometimes. Will have to revise the short story in a while.

I vaguely remember that I dreamt of traveling. Images are hazy but I miss the smell of freedom.

The Decemberists - Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect

And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect
And I built this balustrade
To keep you home, to keep you safe
From the outside world
But the angles and the corners
Even though my work is unparalleled
They never seemed to meet
This structure fell about our feet
And we were free to go

Shooting Arrows In The Dark

Sent out quite a number of resumes today. Finally gotten serious about it, sort of. Still got a few that I would have to do over the next few days. It's really like randomly throwing darts at some positions, hoping that I would be hired. In another life, I had dreamed that I was above this, doing what I like and moving to a cosmopolitan city and living the high life as a rich and famous somebody. Alas, those are nothing but wisps of smoke while I have to wrestle with reality, i.e. my rapidly shrinking wallet.

VDay's round the corner and it's making me rather sad actually. I think I will try to do a lot of work to keep my thoughts away.

A hundred and one things to do anyway. I have to write them down tomorrow before I forget.

I wish you could explain the differences between quantile regression and linear regression in plain words for me. I know how it works intuitively but I can't seem to put it into words.

Shorty Got Low Low Low Low, Low Low Low Low

One of those days when the brain seems to secrete less serotonin than the normal person. Woke up after a night of heavy drinking, no idea why I went in the first place. Guess I needed some company. Didn't spend that much because somebody had something to celebrate. Woke up feeling extremely dehydrated as usual. Finished up putting the new website's css into place, only to realize that I was going to be late for my class excursion. On my way down to school, I recalled that I had so much school work to do that I felt guilty not fulfilling my academic duties. It'd be a long night (and day) ahead to finish up two reports, two writing assignments and a test paper for class.

For our creative writing class, we went down to walk around Little India. I was rather bored because I used to walk around there alone, taking pictures. Of course, it was near a certain somebody's place and I realized how much I missed that person. We walked down the red-lit alley way, full of old and aging prostitutes, looking sad in their skimpy dresses. Groups of older men, Indian men and all other kinds of shady characters clumped outside some of the houses. The men looked desperate, eyes roving and feeling impatient. As our group advanced, some of the men trained their eyes on the girls in the group. I don't know, I just felt that we shouldn't be there. A Chinese uncle was joking about us in Hokkien, asking his friend what we were doing there, had the place turned into Orchard Road?

On the long train journey back, I read my hard-to-read book about a boy's life, filled with boring descriptions of things happening around him. I also observed a young couple on the train, how much the girl took care of the guy. She wiped his arms and neck with a wet tissue, with so much tender loving care. And he fell asleep, probably tired from a week in the army. I found them to be rather cute actually. A tinge of jealousy forming in my heart.