Pablo Neruda - If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

-----------------------------------

Someone reintroduced Neruda to me.

It's been a while since I've been moved by poems.

Definition, Law of Attraction and The Future

After these few days of interviews (and some drinking after), a persistent and nagging question arose. How do you define yourself as a person? Your actions, thoughts, occupation or passion? If I stripped that one thing away from you, would you still be who you are?

Seems like there are an astounding number of similarities shared between sitters and I, and one mentioned that she believed strongly in the law of attraction. The kind of books we read, films we watch, thoughts we think...it's good to know that I'm not that alone out there.

Just got back grades for corporate reporting. Worst grade ever in school. Not gonna justify why I did badly, basically I didn't study hard for it because I just wasn't that interested. Well, one of my sitters holds a phD (who used to lecture in one of the schools here till a few days ago) told me that his grades during his undergraduate days were crap. But somehow he moved on and got a phD in his speciality. So, grades don't really matter in the long run. Everyone needs to be less hung up over it! It seems like many people define themselves with how well they do in school etc but you know, it's all just letters on a piece of paper.

One interesting thing to note about all these people is that given the diversity in the paths they chose, they eventually ended up being comfortable with who they are and that comes with age, I think. The future to them is filled with endless possibilities and seldom look bleak. I think human beings were generally made to be optimistic after this exercise. Even for those who are uncertain about where they were heading next believed in something good. Some of the sitters had such drastic changes in their lives that it's truly amazing!

I'm already picking up titles for each individual and I want to start shooting asap! Somehow, I think my premise itself is kinda flawed right now and I would have to rethink how I can phrase my statement better.

Free Fallin'

Totally mucked it up for the exams today. Didn't find it too difficult but made so many dumb mistakes that I think would cause my gpa to slide like mad.. I think I'm better able to prove my worth in a work environment. A closed-book exam on accounting? In real life the accountants can always refer to the stupid FRS!

Markets closed slightly down today and USD is taking a beating right now. Citigroup is getting a $20B bailout. So what's left for the common man? (I could feed an entire nation for a few decades with that money!) Just got off the phone with a friend, whom I said, "Nope, I'm graduating in six months. And by then, the entire market is gonna be decimated and I'll be walking right into a great pile of mess."

So she replied, "Isn't that a good time to do something different then?"

"Not when the first budget to be cut is related to advertising and media!" I retorted.

Basically, that's the main gist of what's floating in my head now. I need to secure something at least and seeing that my GPA just went down the toilet, I think I'm better off pulling strings. Personally, I think that's the best way to get anywhere. Your network is your net worth, it's all about who you know.

Facebook friends don't count, by the way.

1000

The one-thousandth post. Years distilled into words, inconsistent memories strung between punctuation marks. Oh look how I have grown. Doesn't seem like much after going through the archives. Still the same person trying to find reason in this maddening world, still the one with a broken heart, still the one with a dysfunctional family.

Laughter (not enough of it) and tears (too much of it). Dreams, seminal and broken. Aches and pains. I am starting to believe that life's just like that and the perfection that I seek? Just a mirage in the sun...

We all move along different beats and pulses, heading towards infinite directions. Some have it easier while others rot in back alleys. Just look forward and retrace your steps gently. Perhaps you missed something along the way but if you hadn't overlooked that, you would not have what you have before you now.

Be happy. Be glad. Be sad. Be emotional. Be intellectual.

It's all part of the process.

Concentrate

Finding it hard to stick to my revision plan. Basically went through my notes a few times so far. I will read Tuesday's paper on Monday but the ones on Monday are really quite a pain in the ass. Understanding is not enough but there aren't enough practice questions to work on...so I thought google could help me. Ended up chancing upon some acquaintances' blogs; oh how differently their lives played out. Frivolously enjoying the fruits of youth.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the rain now. I like it when it rains on Saturdays and I'm at home. Brings back some bittersweet memories but the falling rain washes the pain away.

28 Days Later

The lack of food has gotten me into a rather angst-y mood, plus I had my sleep disturbed thrice. Can't people realize that some sleep at 4-5 am?

Anyway, I'm trying hard not to be irrationally angry with some people I know; for leading the "model" student life that the school sells. I like to know that I've achieved more in my life within this relatively short time I spent in school, or rather what I did outside. I like to know that many are inspired by my actions, words and deeds. I like to know that whatever I sacrificed was worth it, that it made me a whole different person. I like to know that being different is fine.

Ed Seykota said in an interview,"Win or lose, everybody gets what they want out of the market. Some people seem to like to lose, so they win by losing money." I think that all along I've been living a premeditated idea that life's nothing without struggle and then boom. Everything starts crashing around, so much so that I'm really thinking, "Ok. What's next?"

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I should just enjoy whatever this existence brings..but I'm reminded of the existentialists and the idea that whatever we do now doesn't matter eventually because we live in a totally absurd world. So what do I really want? I'm not sure. It's totally conflicted and it reminds me of how it was like back when I was 16 and questioning the same thing. Nine years have transpired since then and I haven't gotten a clearer clue. There's no such thing as living for tomorrow because I just can't do it. Yet, I'm slowly realizing that hopes and dreams are something that I should not even think about because they just bring unnecessary pressures and constraints (I think I've said this quite a few times, I'm not sure).

Riches, fame, self-actualization...We're all gonna be dust someday, you know. Major mindfuck going on here.

I think it's time for lunch and then on to tackling the art of accounting (I dislike accountants in real life. From my limited interaction, I find that most of them think too linearly).

Fallin'

Woke up to news that US bank stocks are at their decade lows and the yen strengthening against the USD. Was observing the currency pair for the entire week and it wasn't until last night's CPI and housing announcements that the market started reacting. The yen has been strengthening against the USD for quite some time and now stands around 95.185/95.205. Japanese tourists would be flocking around the world this coming holidays, however they are currently in a "technical" recession and things could get worse.

What an interesting time to live in and if I had tons of disposable income, I would be shopping on the stock market now. However, I don't think it has hit the bottom yet but there's no way we could tell. The next generation would be studying this in their textbooks and analyze how greed, the madness of crowds and the irrationality of exuberance and fear could lead to something as awful as this.

I think it's really a good time to start preparing myself for the Indian enlightenment trip, where I spend my days ruminating under a tree. Either that or be a forex trader. Volatile times are good times for riding the trends.

And I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Throwing in The Towel

Today I started revision on my accounting module.

And I really hate every bloody second of it. It portends something really.

I'm just not good at it...and I would have to struggle quite a fair bit to get something decent in return.

The other finance module is easy but I get bored even easier, which probably means I won't do well due to over-confidence.

Think this might spell out to be one of those terms that destroys my entire academic career. *bitter laugh*

Oh well. I think I shall struggle a little more before turning in for the night. Four more days of revisions ahead.

And my heart can't stop aching. Even after pounding it on the tarmac. The breathless sensation, the screaming muscles.

I'm happy that I've gotten some positive responses for my next project, an extension of the one I did in school last month. Meeting new people, pretending that I'm an artist/psychologist and burning a hole in my wallet (need to pay for transportation. I've got too much gear).

It's fun because I detest the need to prove ourselves by sitting two hours in the examination hall. And maybe I would learn more about myself, like I always do.

Dreams Analysis

I think the previous dream about zombies probably summed up my thoughts about my peers in school, albeit in a more cinematic version. And the one with the compound? More like me feeling trapped within a comfortable place with too many distractions. But all I really wanted to do was to get out and "photograph the petrol station".

The universe has been sending me signs about chasing my own dreams and passions. I think it's a form of selective bias. Even the shampoo bottle read, "Are you having a meltdown?". I think that's something strange to put on a shampoo bottle and it's really bad copy to the max.

Picked up a compilation of Magnum photographers' thoughts over at their blog. They espoused the need for young people to get out of their comfort zones and do something they probably won't have the chance to do in the future. I like this particular quote by Carl De Keyzer (i'm not familiar with his work though), "Give it all you got for at least 5 years and then decide if you got what it takes. Too many great talents give up at the very beginning; the great black hole looming after the comfortable academy or university years is the number one killer of future talent." Oh and get good shoes.

However, I spoke to an old senior on Friday who went the road less traveled after graduation. He said he wasted 1.5 years of his life and he's happy where he is now working in a bank. He cautioned that if I wanna do it, I've got to give it all and reach the industry's pinnacle, which pretty sums up what I have been thinking about in the past few months. I'm keeping photography as my creative outlet and that I'm heading for a desk job next.

The consultancy that I was thinking about, according to him, is pretty sucky now. They take in people of all calibre and your work doesn't get recognized at all, especially in your formative years. I guess I gotta look somewhere else now. Been having second thoughts about that because I had quite bad vibes from the career talk the last time.

Some new roads have opened through a good friend, however I gotta acquire more knowledge on my own before I can head there - things that school doesn't offer. It won't be a cushy job but definitely quite exciting and possibly may earn enough for me to move out within a year.

Then, I'm thinking (ah, I do that too much) about just turning my back on the world for 3 months after graduation. At the rate this economy is going, it would be very difficult to get in anywhere. Not a day passes without hearing from the news and contacts about headcount being frozen or retrenchment taking place. Really, the entire global economy's like a walking time bomb now.

But the one thing that I must really remember now is that for success to happen, it would take a lot of dedication, time, patience and skill in whatever I do. I have a head start in certain areas (photography mainly) but I'm not sure where that would lead me to. The thing I've learnt in these 3 weeks of being alone is that I shouldn't be worrying too much but I've gotta keep my mind and eyes open for opportunities. Things change faster than you think. However, when a choice has been made, I've gotta focus on it and ensure that I don't get sidetracked.

This applies to all of you who's reading this now and gaining insights from my insights. I did most of the thinking and it's up to you (and me) to put that into practice.

I think I'm happier now that I have realized that worrying or hoping are really futile activities. Oh...(ramble continues) Picked up a really old book the other day. Samuel Johnson's History of Rasselas, given to me 8 years ago by my secondary school teacher. I never touched it until now and I'm glad that I did. I found so many insights within that soothed my soul. I realized that if I had read it then, I probably wouldn't have gotten as much out of it. What a peculiar book to give someone, really. But I must thank him for his foresight, it brought me some light into this enshrouding darkness. Would probably share some quotes later in the week when I get bored of studying.

I just completed programming for my intelligent agent. Unfortunately, I don't think it's very smart but it performed better than the random walkers for the 50 tests that I performed (yes, I'm that obsessive. Each test takes 400 seconds though). I probably won't be working on it until I'm done with my last paper on Tuesday (hah, I end early for once) but the project's due on Thursday. I've got to do an interview after that for the gallery guide (did I mention that I've been writing for the Singapore Art Gallery Guide?) and then I'm not so sure what's gonna happen in December. Might be heading up to KL for a few days with my mentor and probably join up with some friends who are planning to go up too. Will have to work on my arts festival project (more like a personal project) and hopefully get some jobs in between. Will have to start shifting house after Christmas and get the new place painted and cleaned. Another year awaits, hopefully with less disappointments and heartbreaks this time round.

Zombies

Weird dream about a cursed coin that turned people into zombies. All began on campus (not the one I attend but somewhere out in the woods). Somebody was the first one to be afflicted with the disease and it started spreading. Initially everyone was confined on the top floor, a large room with a big dome on top.

Anyway I discovered what happened and managed to procure a gun. Started killing some of them. Was sad to see some friends turn. Along with S, we went around the building trying to get people out and killing the zombies. Then the gun ran out of bullets and I found a really sharp pair of scissors. Started poking them in the neck and was quite amazed at my strength. We moved between rooms by climbing out of the windows. Somebody had to use the PA system to warn everyone! And where were the police?

We were running and running inside the place. The zombies were taking over faster than we could kill them because every bite of theirs would turn someone into one of them. The process was hard to stomach, rotting flesh and spewing blood. We needed help! It took awhile before the police came. They separated people by way of body temperature. At this point of time, S was infected and he said he had to go. I looked at him and I couldn't say anything. He was slowly turning but I forgot what his decision was. I was concerned, I needed to know that all these zombies were dead.

So I climbed through the windows again, peeking at each room. Somehow the police were rather efficient and the rooms were being cleansed at a quick rate. I saw a dog, one of those shaggy light brown and dark haired ones, swallow up a coin and turned into one of them. Yet it scuttled around unnoticed. As the police were slowly leaving the place, people were returning to normal activities as if nothing happened (they were rather ignorant). Youngsters were playing in the abandoned rooms, amazed at all the bloodshed. A bunch of people were working on their marketing project right on top of the hill. The dog! It behaved normally but then I still had to find it...Somewhere along the way, some zombies appeared back on scene and the whole running and hiding process started all over again. The dog also managed to self-replicate like an amoeba and complicated the process of finding the coin.

Strange dream...without a resolution. Pardon the bad mistakes in spelling and grammar. Need to write this down quick lest it turns into dust. With dreams like this, movies seem kinda dull huh.

All I wanna do now is to float away...

Strange Dreams

It was one of those nights where dreams just seem so real and would definitely affect the way I work today. Before I slept I was already in one of those half-awake/asleep modes, drifting in and out, seeing images and feeling like my entire body's being sucked out of a straw. Wicked. As it progressed, I dreamt of murder. The death of two young punks beaten up by an autistic person. I think the judge passed leniency on that. Then it was me traveling or living abroad. At first with a couple, me with somebody. It was strange that part because I walked into their room and it was in a mess, everything in disarray. Clothes strewn everywhere and I hear laughter in the room their were in. I peeped and they were having a pillow fight. Lol. Then I was living somewhere, traveling with a strange bunch. We were in a compound, almost like like a luxurious prison. There were exotic things outside the gate and I saw a gas station that I really wanted to photograph. A friend asked if we could go out, I didn't know but I wanted to. So I said yes but I had to grab my tripod and camera first. Then there was free food, large loaves of yummy bread, some weird jelly-like thing. She asked, were all these free? Yes, I said, eat! We were happy but there was that guilt of murder and deceit underlying all these emotions and I awoke.

Running Away...

...from all the troubles and heartaches.

Decided to put on my running shoes today because I was pissed with sitting out the entire weekend's exercise regime due to the stomach woes. So I ran and ran and before I knew it, I finished my 6km route without much effort. Strange how I had to force myself to run the equivalent months ago and all I wanted to do was to keep my mind quiet and focus on something tangible. Not bad considering that I haven't gone to the gym in a month (and not much cardio even then).

After living here for so long, I think I'm gonna miss the hooting owls, leaping toads, flying bats, scuttling rats and roosting birds (huge ones) when I move away. There's also that giant white bird with a really big wingspan that I saw once. Oh and the transvestite cockerel (repeat last abbreviated) that just sounds damn wrong..Very soon, I'd be hearing the goddamn train everyday. At least there would be a gym and swimming pool nearby.

I've grown to love this house, gotten used to the seclusion. To be able to enjoy the expanse of sky and trees. Was thinking about moving out again last night..I wished I had more money to do so. I think the Asian mentality is too needy, we want to stay home with our parents because we are afraid and used to the convenience. I rather stay alone but financially, I think it's quite a waste..For that money, I could save up and get myself a proper place in a few years. Oh well, shouldn't dwell on that. I need to learn how to stop dwelling.

The stomach still hurts. This reluctance to visit the doctor seems to afflict everyone in the family.

Trying to figure out how to program an intelligent agent to maximize profits in a continuous double auction model. Looking at lines upon lines of equations that absolutely do not make sense to me. But I have an inkling that once I figure this out, I could be looking at new ways of studying the markets.

I'd be glad once this is over. Btw, skipping class today as it is pointless to go for presentations only.

This is one good reason why I am such a torn person. My brain is equally good on both sides and I don't really have preference for either, it all depends on my mood for the day. Is there a job available that allows me to be creative, methodological, scientific and expressive at the same time?

Sick. Runnin' on Empty.

Sick...Double whammy of a diarrhea and migraine sure is a dud. Totally overworked this time round, I say. Watching the telly for the entire weekend didn't help either. Too many sappy love shows on TV, Saturday night TV is probably the worst. I wished I was well enough to hang out last night.

Non-contact. There are somethings that I really want to shout out about now. Maybe that's why I'm suffering a physical reaction from all the emotions welled up within.

Exhaustion

Overworked and feeling sick. Can't believe I have two classes on a Saturday, a major project and an assignment due next week that I have no ideas on how to proceed. I need to rest...it's been a mentally, physically and emotionally draining quarter.

Still stuck in school "rehearsing" tomorrow's presentation. A mini world war broke up between the British and the Chinese, with the Korean standing in the middle. I just stood at the side and talked to the Brazilian. Seriously.

I miss the homemade apple pies and japanese restaurants.

Deleted

Accidentally removed all messages in my phone. Inbox, outbox, drafts and everything in my saved folders. Everything is gone. Memories, reminders and messages close to my heart.

Stupid.

Odd

Dreamt of an old theatre/restaurant type building and the staff gorging themselves on the food whenever they could. A room with "POEMS" on top of the door. Musty dark place. Waiters in red blazers, walking by tables and eating. A female manager with a 50s honeycomb-shaped hair, keeping an eye on them. "No eating!", she says. I remember hotdogs and fries. Outside, guests were seated in round tables, laughing, talking, clinking glasses. When serving the food, the waiters stole something to eat whenever they could. I was there and I witnessed everything.

I'm wondering, what's the significance of this?

People In Planes - Pretty Buildings

I will dive into my sleep
and I'll dream of the pretty buildings
wonder what she's doing now
and whether she's still living

telegraph your points of view
and shepherd me from silence
sitting in this field of rage
I fall down from my pedestal

I don't wanna feel this low again
I ain't gonna steal your flame again
I don't wanna feel...

cause you know it hurts like hell
So come out of the closet
let's talk about it
cause you know it hurts like hell

flowers bloom in harmony
mix tapes from the 60's
fueled by the LSD
he looks into his future

I don't wanna feel this low again
I ain't gonna steal your flame again
I don't wanna feel...

cause you know it hurts like hell
so come out of the closet
let's talk about it
cause you know it hurts like hell

morning came and I was dead
before I left for school
we'll paint the smiles onto our heads
and keep away from the animals

Past, Present, Future

Never did realize how much I write. I've got a personal journal where I write only when I'm having lots of emotional issues to deal with, a blog to vent my usual frustrations (you're reading it now), a blog on photography, a notebook to keep the daily random thoughts, the different journals that I run through on each traveling trip and school reports don't count.

It's the best way that I can record down my thoughts and feelings. It doesn't matter if anybody reads or not. It's for me.

Strangely, I was flipping through the personal journal and I saw a graph that I plotted of my emotional stability over the two years in JC. Maybe I should do it for the time since then, think that would be interesting. I also drew up a process map of where I'm heading to in the future (where I am now) and I've so obviously deviated from it (NUS Law/Comp Sci. haha).

I think we can't make up projections about life like this, things may not happen the way we think. We should just try our best at everything we do now, keeping an eye on the future but not forcing things to go certain ways. It creates unnecessary pressure and undue stress.

All I can do now is to concentrate on finishing up the last two weeks of presentations and projects in school, concentrate on the exams, then I'll deal with this gaping loneliness within. I need to regain my personal space and clean up the mess I created.

Are you hurting too?