Keychain

While I stepped out into the unbearable humidity to get lunch earlier, I saw a mother walking her 4/5-year old home from school. She was carrying his lime green bag, which had a red plastic dolphin keychain attached to the zip.

An odd thought struck me, how did this dolphin feel about having its mouth hooked to a metal chain?

I wondered about how it felt about the real dolphins frolicking in the sea.

Irony

The ironic thing is that right after I wrote the post below, I received an enquiry for a big job.

And I have a theatre production to shoot tomorrow. It feels good to receive money for doing something I like but I have to keep to my promise.

Ah...how the wheel of fate turns.

Bam.

Long boring monologue ahead of my fears and tribulations.

Sick and tired of being rejected every step of the way. The company told me, "Oh I'm sorry but we filled up the position as we found a suitable candidate before looking at your resume."

Frankly, it's really quite a blow to my ego when I received the first rejection. I didn't manage to stand out from the crowd. Then the reservist thing took care of the next position I applied to. I didn't get the next one for unknown reasons, though I suspect that it's a combination of reservist and another better candidate from outside (I was the only one applying from my school). I wasn't good enough academically for the next position. And then the last one got filled up before I even made it to the company.

I've gone beyond the oh-my-god-I-totally-suck-and-nobody-wants-to-hire-me phase. I have an inkling that some cosmic force is trying its best to hinder my path and throw me into a direction that I've considered but never really taken concrete steps to move ahead. Either that or it's just not my life or luxury to be awarded opportunities like people I see in school. Peer pressure can be an evil thing.

Nevertheless, people say that internships are important to beef up the resume when looking for your first job. Well, I think I have to make a stand now that I will not and should not scramble with everyone else for that banking job. My recent grades suggest that I'm just not cut out for it, despite cramming really hard for the exams. So this (and other issues) led me to ponder upon what's in stall for somebody like me - a mash-up of various abilities and skills but not a single specialization.

I have to make a proper decision soon. It's been eating me up for the past nine months or so. Changing majors, deferring decisions for the future, basically feeling absolutely helpless. There are plenty of conflicting signals for me - the need to provide for a family that sucks every ounce of my energy away (which makes me pretty darn depressive), somebody who just wants me to make a decision and not waver, my inclination for things that aren't taught in school and everyone else around me touting their this-and-that.

I am inclined to compare with my peers, so and so got a (investment) banking internship, she's going on an exchange at a really awesome place, he got excellent grades and ad nauseam. I think school's really an unhealthy place where such ideologies and memes are propagated at an alarming rate.

When I first entered, I didn't have a good grasp of what's to come. Then it finally hit me that all these people around me are clamoring for impressive glamorous jobs. Some may really like it, others do it for the money. Then again, Gordon Gekko in Wall Street espoused that 'Greed is Good'. So in the financial industry, if you're not greedy enough, you wont succeed.

Truth is, I'm not a greedy person. Give me a million dollars and I won't know what to do with it. I wouldn't buy luxury goods but would just settle any loans the family has incurred. Buy myself some stuff that I really need and then invest the remainder for stable returns. That's the kind of person I am. I do not want to have millions of dollars and lose my soul in the process.

So what is it that drives me?

For now, I need some sort of stability for the family. Some may say that this obligation is totally unnecessary but I have to disappoint and tell you that I'm rather traditional when it comes to this. It's okay that I won't earn much, as long as I can keep things under control.

But you can't do this forever! What about your own family in the future?

Well, I really can't comment on that now...one step at a time, one step at a time.

So what do you want to do? And once you have decided, stick to it!

After some deep thinking for the past few days (wondering why I get migraines all the time?), I think I have sort of narrowed it down to a framework that should stay stable for the next couple of years and I do really have to keep a commitment to it. This means promising myself that I will NOT change my decision and STOP being so damn capricious all the time.

I would have to do something that plays to my abilities and interests. I like autonomy, I like data, I like thinking, I like to be in charge, I like solving problems.

Photography allows me to be independent, in command and solve visual problems. However, it may not be as stable as I want it to be (given the family problems). It's definitely interesting and never fails to make me happy, even if I have to shoot yet another corporate event. Most importantly though, it makes me feel free and freedom is good.

Since I have struck off all grandeur of a banking/consulting job, I'm pretty much left with something that allows me to look at data everyday, analyze it, come up with patterns/trends and make them useful in solving some problems. It doesn't have to be flashy or earn lots of money, as long as I enjoy what I do and I'm given control over the process. I would be free within a structure.

What would provide all that I ask for? Data analyst? Stock analyst? Commodities analyst? Marketing researcher?

Yes, it's painful to give up a passion like this but one must understand the dichotomy presented here. I am only able to foresee a 5-year sustainability period for photography. And then, what comes after it? Would I be broke and passionless at the end of that tenure? I don't really want to be that person, you know, the proverbial "failed" starving artist. Yes, there's a possibility that I do really well here but the beta's too high for me right now.

Well, doing it after being employed for years and taking a larger leap of faith would be unfathomable for a man hoping to start (or has already started) a family. It will then remain a distant memory of youthful exuberance and enthusiasm. But that doesn't preclude the rise of different goals and dreams in the future, one where I also enjoy my work and get some time off to enjoy my passion hobby (now downgraded).

Is this for the better? I seriously can't say now. Some may argue that you should do what you like et cetera. Ha. I would scoff at that since I like so many things in life. I have to take a firm stand and put my foot down. My head's been floating for too long...and I need to commit to this.

Back to the internship, I am unable to secure anything remotely close to what I am talking about here. There's an opening at a gallery to help them with strategizing (pompous!) and I may not have a well-defined role. Yes, I would learn things but it wouldn't necessary be close to my intended path. (And I fear that I may just not get it after stringing them for so long.) I am at fault for not being more proactive in my search and I don't really want to dwell on that since I would just come up with a hundred reasons for my failings.

I shall just enjoy one last year of being in the creative industry...where I call myself boss and earn more money than a fresh graduate. Same time next year, I will look back and say, "I'm glad I made this move. I managed to stop being so divided over life. I had a good year, managed to save up some money, kept things at home going smoothly. Enjoyed the company of my creative friends. I won't regret this and I shall enter the workforce with other things on my mind."

The ride begins today.

Re-Reading Norwegian Wood

You were so nice to me when I was having my problems, but now that you're having yours, it seems there's not a thing I can do for you. You're all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.

-Midori to Toru

(Actually I haven't gotten there yet but I remember this phrase and chanced upon it just now. One of those reasons why I like reading his books...I often see facets of myself in his characters)

nothing.

I have laid on my bed for the longest period in a few months (years?) today.

Woke up late, went for breakfast and spent the rest of my time lying in bed listening to songs and surfing the net.

Uncharacteristically me.

At least I'd be out for some assisting later, although I wish I didn't say yes to it yesterday.

white

Last night, I dreamt that half of my hair turned white.

It was weird.

I think I've been under quite a lot of undue pressure and anxiety lately.

Sometimes, all I want is for a simple guiding light. And some time off to do my favorite things.

It Never Stops

I have about 3 meetings slated tomorrow. It never stops.

And I'm feeling rather bummed out over the stupid internship thing. I just need to clear that 10 weeks and it's not even possible at the moment.

I remember the fortune teller in Hong Kong who said that I should just be patient this year, with regards to career matters. Well, during Chinese New Year, the fat guy on tv said it'd be a great year for money and career for pigs.

So much for professional advice.

And my head is still being stretched at the seams. I can feel some brain material seeping out.

migrainemigrainemigraine

You know life has thrown you a giant stop sign when you get a pain in the head that threatens to blow your entire brain away.

Two nights ago, I was beset by the biggest throbbing ache in my head ever. Had afternoon beer and while playing a game of mahjong in the evening, the pain swiftly descended upon me. And at the last few sets, I had like all wans (and kept drawing more wans), it accelerated into a gigantic sledgehammer pounding at the back of my head. When the game ended, I started puking and it wasn't pretty.

Now, the head still feels kinda woozy. Missed out on a friend's party last night and I'm banned from all of my usual stimulants in life. I have to sleep early too. No more late nights and whatnots.

I think it's time I took a break and stop worrying about everything else.

I hope this migraine goes away soon.

Runnin' Thoughts

Some random thoughts/questions I had while trying to stay alive during the run I just had:

1. How many snails die each day trying to cross concrete pavements?


2. How many runners I meet actually enjoy what they are doing (re: not because the doctor told them to do so).


3. How long more can I go?


4. I can always go further but that pain in the knee/ankle, lack of sleep, back ache, cup of coffee, spicy lunch, dehydration, cramp in my calf/ankle/back/shin is totally killing me...


5. Should I take the easy or the hard route? (I chose the hard one but stopped right after that cramp in my shin stopped me...)


6. When was the last time I ran? Why do I keep forgetting that this is actually quite enjoyable. Oh...it's fun until I run out of breath.

Also, I saw a couple breakup. The guy was acting pretty much like an asshole.

Music Preference

Been listening to a variety of music cos it's exam week.

I think that we could tell a person's personality, dreams and fears from the music he/she listens to.

Given that, I could be classified under melancholic and perhaps, mellow.

I like music that doesn't go too fast.

I'm not musically incline, so I need to read the lyrics before I can discern what the singer is singing about. That's why I suck at karaoke. I'm not really tone deaf but I can't sing to tune at all.

I wish I could sing though.

muxin'

me now have muxtape.

uploadin's a bitch tho.

now back to object oriented programmin'.

been feelin' too sick to run lately.

Corporate World

Applications for internships have been rejected.

Damn.

Seriously, what are they looking for that I can't relate through the cover letter?

Frankly, I am absolutely lost. Don't know what to do or where to go. Even serendipity is avoiding me too.

Lucky thing is that money's still coming in for now so I won't be going hungry for a while.

Dreamin'

Dreaming of a funky life.

I like rainy afternoons and lounge music and a cup of warm coffee.

I am trying to study.

I make up titles for photo exhibitions with random streams of words I encounter in real life.

KPI

Sometimes, the life's insecurities catches up with you and wraps you up in a shroud of darkness.

If we could quantify our speech and our actions through a KPI framework, where would you find yourself?

I think I would probably fail...family, love, school, work, friendship...

What have you achieved in life lately?

Flaws. Failure.

Jealousy, spite, anger and fear collude to cloud my heart and eyes.

Seriously, I don't think I'm a very nice person. I work so I can escape from everything.

When the body wears down, the head realizes that the heart is empty and the soul is gone.