Back, Unrest

Back home after spending a few days in the chaotic order known as Hong Kong. It's a place where people move fast, talk loudly and shop non-stop. I'm even more tired and sapped after my "holiday". Came back to news of a terrorist escapee, falling stock markets (as of mid-day), higher oil prices, visa's ipo, and waking up to one of my biggest mistake in life...I missed out on the group show last night cos I mixed up the dates! :(

Anyway rediscovered this inspirational page on Gaping Void (http://www.gapingvoid.com/Moveable_Type/archives/000932.html). Really some sane advice there.

IB_OPS_RECON_NOSTRO_INTERN

Will be going for an internship interview tomorrow morning for the above-mentioned position. Seriously hoping that I get it so I get to clear my internship requirement despite the weeks that I've to go back to the forest. Not exactly a dream position but at least I see myself being useful there, and hopefully, learn more about the industry.

Cold, Clammy Hands

I had breakfast yesterday with a friend who's hellbent on making enough money in the future to remove himself from the rat race. His motivation in life is to acquire as much knowledge as possible without having to worry about his meals daily. It helps that he is very interested in the money markets and see it like a passion, more than a way to become a millionaire/billionaire. This, I believe, is absolutely more level-headed than what many of my peers want to achieve with a hotshot banking job - to drive fast cars, buy nice clothes and wear pointy shoes.

In the afternoon, I hopped over to the Substation for a photo exhibition. I spoke with the photographer and found out that he is extremely big-hearted. His main motivation lies in bringing a voice to the underprivileged, to raise awareness of their situation, and perhaps make a change in the world. He worked as a television producer for a few years but left feeling disenchanted with the profession. Whilst he wanted to produce pieces that would touch on social issues, he cited the bottom line as the main concern for the suits above. So he left and began to use still photography as a tool for social change. It helps that his wife is very supportive of his work and that she pays the bill most of the time (since she belongs to the upper tax bracket).

As I pondered upon these very conflicting signposts for the next step in life, I realized that I do not really know myself yet, despite all the thinking that I've done. One way of dealing with this was to constantly question my own motivations in life and I went through what most people would come up with - wealth, fame, fortune, deliverance of mankind etc. [1]

My conclusion? Surprisingly, it's not money that I'm after (which I believe would be how most people see me) but more about the thrill of deal-making, overcoming challenges; distilled into a move to achieve "fame". It comes across as myself wanting to be extremely good in whatever I do, to be able to reach the pinnacle. Hence, whatever it is that I decide to do, I have to be good at it, so good that I become "well-known" in my arbitrarily chosen field. Then, perhaps I would move on to attain Maslow's highest level of self-actualization.

I hazard a guess that many of us raised in this country hardly think about attaining this goal. We're so entrenched in trying to meet our immediate needs (food, shelter, sex) that we do not think beyond what lies in front of us. The tried-and-tested degree route *almost* guarantees a job; an income to raise a family and to feel safe and secure. What more would you want after having/achieving that? Greater wealth? More kids? Certainly, I feel this pull too: why struggle when you can be just as happy, if not, happier, with a simpler life? Why make life needlessly miserable?

Many of you may be experiencing what I'm going through, perhaps you have found your answer (lucky you!) but I do urge you to think beyond your immediate surroundings, to imagine yourself doing something you really enjoy (which cannot pay for your Coach bag/lead a jet-setting lifestyle). I think we got to remove the veil that hides the endless possibilities before us, and be true to ourselves, even if it is to realize this and then continue doing/working for something that could buy us a nice house on Sixth Avenue.

As for now, I will have exactly a year to decide my next chess move. What's yours gonna be like (scholars/army/navy/air force/police regulars don't apply)?

[1] I pretty much covered grounds on identifying personal strengths and weaknesses.

For Your Tombstone

Deceptively simple and surprisingly addictive, Not Quite What I Was Planning is a thousand glimpses of humanity—six words at a time.

One Life. Six Words. What's Yours?

I think mine goes something like this: "Almost always never achieving anything much" or "Constantly fretting over stupid damned things" or "Get me out. I am lost."

What's yours?

Runaway

In the midst of studying for my mid-terms, I wonder if I can just forget about this whole internship thing and run away to some foreign country during summer. Gee. I don't really fancy doing photocopying my entire holiday away (and spending half of it eating dust for reservist).

I think I kinda screwed up the corp finance paper. 3 more tests to go and then I'm jumping bail to do some *gear* shopping in honkie-tong land. Actually my cash flow at the moment is still kinda stuck. Oh well. We'll see.

Getting sick of studying for now, maybe I will go take a midnight stroll.

Intricately Empty

Sometimes I can't help wondering what is it about me that makes me brood so much.

My life's fine now; no major upsets; no self-pitying bullshit, yet I just can't shake away this dreaded feeling.

An unseen burden, laid upon my chest by invisible hands. It's really quite indescribable, save for the emptiness within.

Maybe it's the lack of meaning in life, or my estrangement with society, or the inescapable loneliness that grips the hearts of the modern man...Or just a hangover.

CNY

So it's Chinese New Year again, the period when my house is at its cleanest for the entire year.

I like my house to be free and clutter free all the time.

Next time I get my own pad, I will make sure I have nothing around. Nothing.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone. I hope that you would have fun stuffing your fat round faces with more snacks. And for all of you overseas, I bet you miss ba kwa. Too bad for you... =P