On the Last Day

2008 was fraught with more downs than ups; it wasn't your typical year. Then again, what constitutes typical? Emotional roller coasters, endless battles, big life changes. Each year we grow a little older, (maybe) a little wiser. We learn how to deal with new unforeseen things, we learn more about what it takes to live in this world.

2009 would be a blank slate for me. A new place to live. A new career to start. A new way of looking at life.

What does the future hold?

I think that it's pointless to cling to the past but sentiments sometimes run amok. Letting go and learning the lessons will keep one sane and alive.

Perhaps 2009 will see more hardships and heartbreaks. I just hope that I am ready for it.

Happy new year everyone. May your hopes and dreams come true.

New Home

Tired and pissed off with the house moving. The place's in a mess, I can't agree to anything my parents are doing, i.e. things that ought to be thrown out, furniture that needs to be bought. Argh. My back is aching after all the heavy duty carrying, need to remember not to put so many books into a box. We're sleeping on the floor because the beds aren't coming in till Wednesday. We don't have enough money to get full furnishing and gotta do it piecemeal.

Had a conversation with my aunt the other day and she spilled some family secrets that I did not know of. I think the only good things that came out of this marriage were my brother and I. This experience has taught me the importance of proper financial planning and I hope that things in the future would be better. Although moving into the smaller place has sort of brought the family closer (physically and somewhat emotionally), I can't help but get angry over all the wrong decisions that they are making (and have made in their lives so far).

Suddenly, I feel like I've been reduced to being a total heartlander especially in this neighborhood. This experience totally blows man.

Moving House

I absolutely detest the new place. And I swear I would never buy a resale anything next time, not even a car. I hate having to clean up old mess, mess that I did not create. The pile of cockroach shit and eggs that I had to clean up attested to it. It's really gross to discover that the entire kitchen's infested with that. =(

That said, I can't reverse time and change the course of history. Gotta get used to the smaller space and get things to work. I think we've got too much stuff, probably can't fit everything in. Hmm. Anyway, it was kinda touching to see us working as a family unit. I cannot remember when was the last time everyone chipped in for the family. That said, I have to forgive them one day. Grievances and injustices. Nevertheless, if my parents were rich, I'd probably be a big asshole now. So I'm thankful for that.

Closure

Yesterday I wrote a letter amidst the packing up. For 2 months I thought and thought about what I wanted to write. There was so much to say, yet so little to put down. I pulled through finally and got it out to the postbox before dinner.

I'm really surprised how efficient our mailing system is despite the holiday period.

And I guess I have been feeling so horrible for the past eight weeks because all I needed was a reply. And I got it today, albeit electronically but sooner than expected.

That's all I needed actually, you know. To know that you're doing well.

I'm not bitter, I haven't given up. I just needed to know.

Today, I sneaked out (stormed out because I got pissed packing) to talk to a writer about his research. Learnt another facet of looking at life but that's a story for another time.

While I got back, I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm actually feeling much better. I think all I needed to do was to write, to pen down my innermost feelings. To be able to connect to you again."

And I think I'm alright now. That's all I needed. I guess with all these bad things that keep popping up in my life, it's a little hard to handle emotionally. When I told a good friend of everything that happened (things I don't even write here or tell a lot of people but things you know), he was like, "Dude, it's a miracle that you're holding up so well. That's the reason why you are and will always be my inspiration."

And that is what amazes me the whole time...me being able to cope (semi-relatively well, if you discount the vices) and still trying to achieve so many things (although that itself could be a vice/coping mechanism).

Thank you for writing me again. I'm really quite happy and proud of you.

I will write you a reply later. I've got more packing to do.

Sandwiched

And I found words sandwiched between books and journals. Notebooks that I forgot I had. I really write a lot.

A five-chapter instruction manual on how to love. Of the battle between Prose Boy and Mr. H.

Resurface.

Too much dust.

Moving

Gonna start packing up the room to move to the new place on Boxing Day. It's been 8 years since we moved here and now that we're moving again, I'm feeling kinda sad about it. I don't really want to but life goes on. As someone said, treat it like a new beginning.

Memories, regrets, sentiments, emotions.

Will be throwing lots of things away because they won't fit into the smaller place. Will be removing lots of memories from my life.

It's time I moved on. To make new memories, to experience new things.

I have a feeling I will be moving out once things settle down in the new year or the one after that.

Boxes, trash bags, cellophane tape.

And lots of dust.

Till then.

Random Conversation From A Party That I Felt Out of Place

Last night, I attended a friend's Christmas party prior to meeting the old friends. I introduced myself to somebody there and she said, "Oh so it's you? I have heard so much about you."

Stunned. I looked at my friend with a worried look in my eyes, "Man, my reputation precedes me. What wrong did I do this time?"

Stranger, "NH was telling me how good you were at Scrabble and how you climbed up the scoring ladder."

Phew.

Felt really awkward there last night. The crowds too old, people were playing music from the 80s and I wasn't drunk enough. I wasn't making very good conversations at all. Was glad that the rest called me and I could get out.

Prognostication

Wouldn't having clairvoyance be quite a painful thing? If you knew you were going to act a certain way so that things are going to happen as you saw it, wouldn't that remove the meaning of living? I wonder how fortunetellers live their lives.

I think that the image of the person you want to be is something that's very powerful and strong. It's a little like a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you believe that you could, you would.

A good friend told me last night to get away because I don't belong here. I believe her. I should stop telling myself that it's difficult or hard to leave this place. I just need to know that I can and I will.

Nevertheless, I feel like having my palms read at this point of time.

I wonder if there're any good ones out there. Maybe he/she will foresee me visiting.

Disappointment & Despair

Is it so hard to forgive someone? When everything is fine and dandy, I seem to forget about past grievances, pretending that nothing was wrong. There are complications with the house moving procedures, which will definitely be a mild inconvenience for the next few weeks. And then I fly into a speechless rage. If it wasn't for one person's folly, things wouldn't have come to such a desperate state. I'm absolutely angry, still disappointed. They said it was the greatest occupation in the world but I don't think you ever wanted it.

I had enough of this family and biding my time before I can take off on my own.

Clearly, I'm living life like a lie.

Condensed Life

My life since 2003 condensed into a 2.1mb XML file (blogger's export function).

One day it would be a book, if I manage to get myself on the fame train.

Was that much of a life anyway?

Rinse. Repeat Cycle.

Had an early Christmas party last night, which wasn't much of a party at all actually. Just a bunch of photographers drinking a lot of alcohol. We didn't manage to finish the keg though and I became as red as lobster bisque. One of my favorite soups. I realized how bitchy people can get, so many factions, so many sides. You either gotta be on one side or the other. So strange.

I guess the relationships between this people is not typical because they are competitors in the same small market and friends/compatriots in the same fight. Then the richer (re: commercial) ones will jab at the poorer (re: photojournalists) for not earning enough (re: commercial day's rate equivalent to pj's monthly wage). Egos clash. People starting off the night cordial and friendly end up pointing middle fingers at each other towards the end. Sexual innuendoes across many conversations, sexual orientation questioned, size of organs compared. And always somebody taking pictures somewhere.

It's not a typical social circle for one to be associated with.

More events later this week. Hopefully with less alcohol involved. My liver's not gonna last the year with drinking like that.

What Have I Been Doing?

The past few days just went by. I laze everyday, occasionally going for a run in the gym or a dip in the pool. But the facilities suck and it's raining everyday. Somedays I walk alone in the big foreign city that's too familiar. Met an exchange student the other day while in the toilet (the world's not big enough) and we knocked back a few beers. Spent the next few days reading, walking, writing and resting.

It's my form of escape. A cheap way to get out.

Last night I thought of the things I had to do when I get back and I couldn't sleep. Need to complete enough images for arts festival in school, be sociable and attend some Christmas parties, scan images in hi-res and print them, throw things in my room away and pack the useful/sentimental ones so that we can move house in the next two weeks.

In reality, I seriously wish we didn't have to move. It's too much of a hassle but things have gone too much out of hand. The dream world we live in has to be concretized. That's the painful part.

For every year that comes to end, we become more reflective and look at the ups and downs that happened. We wish some things didn't happen and glad for some that did. This year has been pretty rough but I know that when next year's troubles start brewing, it would all just be a distant memory. A drop in the ocean of pain, as I said before. I'm really turning bitter here, aren't I? The quarter-life crisis will hit and coupled with the economic crisis, I think that 2009 would be another smashing year of regrets.

=)

400km North

And I find myself assailed by dreams whilst I sleep, unable to shake off the demons perched on my shoulders.

Dreams so real, they might as well have been reality.

And I hold on tightly to my sanity, my morality; I cannot sink any deeper down this road of self-destruction. No more, no more.

Heads up, move on.

Like how we used to do it during army route marches.

Sums of Our Lives

Just finished doing my own accounts and frankly, I need to have a better savings policy. I managed to earn quite a fair bit this year and that's taking into consideration that I had 4 or 5 slow months (Pareto's Rule in effect here) where I didn't earn anything at all. Not so bad! Of course I'd love to have more but then that would make me crankier. These two months have been pretty bad and I rejected a job this week because I need to take a break! Having accounts receivable suck too. I wish people pay more promptly.

However, do we want our lives to revolve around these numbers? The amount we earn or the possessions we have? I know that when I was extremely busy with work and school (and 2 million other things), I neglected my two best friends. Now that I've lost one, it makes me wonder whether the money was any good. Well, it wasn't really because I had no time but I'm sure it did strain the relationship to quite a large extent.

Oh well. I probably won't be able to resolve this anytime soon. I just hope that I get to earn more next year. Although I did not hit the target that I intended and my bank account didn't grow (I overspent to "reward" myself), I'm happy that I'm not back to a hand-to-mouth existence.

Post Midnight

3am is a very strange hour. The kinds of thoughts that hit me at this time are those that I would have otherwise disregarded as insane and not very well thought through.

Yet, I'm now contemplating about what I just read. The recession is set to deepen in the coming months and Singapore's gonna be facing a protracted recession that would last till mid-2009 (personally, I have an inkling that it's gonna be longer than that). So, I'm seriously toying with the idea of just taking off for 3 months or so after graduation in May. I'd like to visit Nepal, Central Asia, China and maybe even Russia. Oh, throw in Japan too. But of course, I can hardly afford anything now so I should hope that I get to earn some serious dough next year. If not, maybe I'll go find one of those work-and-travel crap and see how it goes.

When I return, the economy would be slightly better and I can then plan the next stage in life. I think it's definitely essential to broaden the horizons and do some crazy shit before surrendering to the chains of work. What am I gonna be doing? I have no idea really. It's getting murkier each day. I am discovering and rediscovering things that I love to do. And most of it has nothing to do with what I learn in school. I seriously dread it whenever the question pops up during conversations, "So what do you plan to do? What kind of job are you looking for?" Fuck Maslow and his hierarchy. It makes us all a little more uptight about life than we should be! I don't want to know that I can actually strive for self-actualization!!!

Roadmaps? I'm at a stage where I think I should just throw everything into the wind and see how things develop.

The Impossible Dream

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

Throat Infection

Down with a very nasty throat infection. Hurts like hell and the medicine's not very effective.

The worst thing is that because the entire defense mechanism is working to fight it, I'm left feeling rather tired and all.

Can't really eat solid food and water feels like shoving a knife down the throat. =(

Peace

Had a small epiphany today.

It was raining and I was having drinks with one of my subjects over at ColBar. Really nice place by the way. I never felt so at peace for a very long time. Perhaps it's the combination of having shot something of my own, being in a really charming and rustic place, and the rain. It was beautiful really...imagining that I was somewhere else, away from what's eating me.

And I was happy in that moment.

It's been awhile.

One of Those Pt. II

One of those times when I wake up gasping.

In my dream, you were another person. I don't want you to change ever; at least in my mind.

I don't ever want to see you unhappy and twisted inside.

One of Those

One of those nights where the body is tired and sick, and the soul is deprived and empty.

I am slowly treading down the path of self-destruction with all these punishments I'm inflicting on my health and mind.

I think I'm starting to retreat behind my walls of self-preservation. It took a long while for me to get out but it's pointless to stay here anymore. I'm better off hiding, lest I get hurt again. I'm cultivating a new emo look to accompany this change.

Things would never be the same as time passes. What once were have become memories. I only want to remember the happy times but that makes things sadder doesn't it? Lying to myself of what could be.

We are living lies. Plain blatant lies.

This island is too small, too painful. Maybe I will get out one day from this prison.

Pablo Neruda - If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

-----------------------------------

Someone reintroduced Neruda to me.

It's been a while since I've been moved by poems.

Definition, Law of Attraction and The Future

After these few days of interviews (and some drinking after), a persistent and nagging question arose. How do you define yourself as a person? Your actions, thoughts, occupation or passion? If I stripped that one thing away from you, would you still be who you are?

Seems like there are an astounding number of similarities shared between sitters and I, and one mentioned that she believed strongly in the law of attraction. The kind of books we read, films we watch, thoughts we think...it's good to know that I'm not that alone out there.

Just got back grades for corporate reporting. Worst grade ever in school. Not gonna justify why I did badly, basically I didn't study hard for it because I just wasn't that interested. Well, one of my sitters holds a phD (who used to lecture in one of the schools here till a few days ago) told me that his grades during his undergraduate days were crap. But somehow he moved on and got a phD in his speciality. So, grades don't really matter in the long run. Everyone needs to be less hung up over it! It seems like many people define themselves with how well they do in school etc but you know, it's all just letters on a piece of paper.

One interesting thing to note about all these people is that given the diversity in the paths they chose, they eventually ended up being comfortable with who they are and that comes with age, I think. The future to them is filled with endless possibilities and seldom look bleak. I think human beings were generally made to be optimistic after this exercise. Even for those who are uncertain about where they were heading next believed in something good. Some of the sitters had such drastic changes in their lives that it's truly amazing!

I'm already picking up titles for each individual and I want to start shooting asap! Somehow, I think my premise itself is kinda flawed right now and I would have to rethink how I can phrase my statement better.

Free Fallin'

Totally mucked it up for the exams today. Didn't find it too difficult but made so many dumb mistakes that I think would cause my gpa to slide like mad.. I think I'm better able to prove my worth in a work environment. A closed-book exam on accounting? In real life the accountants can always refer to the stupid FRS!

Markets closed slightly down today and USD is taking a beating right now. Citigroup is getting a $20B bailout. So what's left for the common man? (I could feed an entire nation for a few decades with that money!) Just got off the phone with a friend, whom I said, "Nope, I'm graduating in six months. And by then, the entire market is gonna be decimated and I'll be walking right into a great pile of mess."

So she replied, "Isn't that a good time to do something different then?"

"Not when the first budget to be cut is related to advertising and media!" I retorted.

Basically, that's the main gist of what's floating in my head now. I need to secure something at least and seeing that my GPA just went down the toilet, I think I'm better off pulling strings. Personally, I think that's the best way to get anywhere. Your network is your net worth, it's all about who you know.

Facebook friends don't count, by the way.

1000

The one-thousandth post. Years distilled into words, inconsistent memories strung between punctuation marks. Oh look how I have grown. Doesn't seem like much after going through the archives. Still the same person trying to find reason in this maddening world, still the one with a broken heart, still the one with a dysfunctional family.

Laughter (not enough of it) and tears (too much of it). Dreams, seminal and broken. Aches and pains. I am starting to believe that life's just like that and the perfection that I seek? Just a mirage in the sun...

We all move along different beats and pulses, heading towards infinite directions. Some have it easier while others rot in back alleys. Just look forward and retrace your steps gently. Perhaps you missed something along the way but if you hadn't overlooked that, you would not have what you have before you now.

Be happy. Be glad. Be sad. Be emotional. Be intellectual.

It's all part of the process.

Concentrate

Finding it hard to stick to my revision plan. Basically went through my notes a few times so far. I will read Tuesday's paper on Monday but the ones on Monday are really quite a pain in the ass. Understanding is not enough but there aren't enough practice questions to work on...so I thought google could help me. Ended up chancing upon some acquaintances' blogs; oh how differently their lives played out. Frivolously enjoying the fruits of youth.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the rain now. I like it when it rains on Saturdays and I'm at home. Brings back some bittersweet memories but the falling rain washes the pain away.

28 Days Later

The lack of food has gotten me into a rather angst-y mood, plus I had my sleep disturbed thrice. Can't people realize that some sleep at 4-5 am?

Anyway, I'm trying hard not to be irrationally angry with some people I know; for leading the "model" student life that the school sells. I like to know that I've achieved more in my life within this relatively short time I spent in school, or rather what I did outside. I like to know that many are inspired by my actions, words and deeds. I like to know that whatever I sacrificed was worth it, that it made me a whole different person. I like to know that being different is fine.

Ed Seykota said in an interview,"Win or lose, everybody gets what they want out of the market. Some people seem to like to lose, so they win by losing money." I think that all along I've been living a premeditated idea that life's nothing without struggle and then boom. Everything starts crashing around, so much so that I'm really thinking, "Ok. What's next?"

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I should just enjoy whatever this existence brings..but I'm reminded of the existentialists and the idea that whatever we do now doesn't matter eventually because we live in a totally absurd world. So what do I really want? I'm not sure. It's totally conflicted and it reminds me of how it was like back when I was 16 and questioning the same thing. Nine years have transpired since then and I haven't gotten a clearer clue. There's no such thing as living for tomorrow because I just can't do it. Yet, I'm slowly realizing that hopes and dreams are something that I should not even think about because they just bring unnecessary pressures and constraints (I think I've said this quite a few times, I'm not sure).

Riches, fame, self-actualization...We're all gonna be dust someday, you know. Major mindfuck going on here.

I think it's time for lunch and then on to tackling the art of accounting (I dislike accountants in real life. From my limited interaction, I find that most of them think too linearly).

Fallin'

Woke up to news that US bank stocks are at their decade lows and the yen strengthening against the USD. Was observing the currency pair for the entire week and it wasn't until last night's CPI and housing announcements that the market started reacting. The yen has been strengthening against the USD for quite some time and now stands around 95.185/95.205. Japanese tourists would be flocking around the world this coming holidays, however they are currently in a "technical" recession and things could get worse.

What an interesting time to live in and if I had tons of disposable income, I would be shopping on the stock market now. However, I don't think it has hit the bottom yet but there's no way we could tell. The next generation would be studying this in their textbooks and analyze how greed, the madness of crowds and the irrationality of exuberance and fear could lead to something as awful as this.

I think it's really a good time to start preparing myself for the Indian enlightenment trip, where I spend my days ruminating under a tree. Either that or be a forex trader. Volatile times are good times for riding the trends.

And I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Throwing in The Towel

Today I started revision on my accounting module.

And I really hate every bloody second of it. It portends something really.

I'm just not good at it...and I would have to struggle quite a fair bit to get something decent in return.

The other finance module is easy but I get bored even easier, which probably means I won't do well due to over-confidence.

Think this might spell out to be one of those terms that destroys my entire academic career. *bitter laugh*

Oh well. I think I shall struggle a little more before turning in for the night. Four more days of revisions ahead.

And my heart can't stop aching. Even after pounding it on the tarmac. The breathless sensation, the screaming muscles.

I'm happy that I've gotten some positive responses for my next project, an extension of the one I did in school last month. Meeting new people, pretending that I'm an artist/psychologist and burning a hole in my wallet (need to pay for transportation. I've got too much gear).

It's fun because I detest the need to prove ourselves by sitting two hours in the examination hall. And maybe I would learn more about myself, like I always do.

Dreams Analysis

I think the previous dream about zombies probably summed up my thoughts about my peers in school, albeit in a more cinematic version. And the one with the compound? More like me feeling trapped within a comfortable place with too many distractions. But all I really wanted to do was to get out and "photograph the petrol station".

The universe has been sending me signs about chasing my own dreams and passions. I think it's a form of selective bias. Even the shampoo bottle read, "Are you having a meltdown?". I think that's something strange to put on a shampoo bottle and it's really bad copy to the max.

Picked up a compilation of Magnum photographers' thoughts over at their blog. They espoused the need for young people to get out of their comfort zones and do something they probably won't have the chance to do in the future. I like this particular quote by Carl De Keyzer (i'm not familiar with his work though), "Give it all you got for at least 5 years and then decide if you got what it takes. Too many great talents give up at the very beginning; the great black hole looming after the comfortable academy or university years is the number one killer of future talent." Oh and get good shoes.

However, I spoke to an old senior on Friday who went the road less traveled after graduation. He said he wasted 1.5 years of his life and he's happy where he is now working in a bank. He cautioned that if I wanna do it, I've got to give it all and reach the industry's pinnacle, which pretty sums up what I have been thinking about in the past few months. I'm keeping photography as my creative outlet and that I'm heading for a desk job next.

The consultancy that I was thinking about, according to him, is pretty sucky now. They take in people of all calibre and your work doesn't get recognized at all, especially in your formative years. I guess I gotta look somewhere else now. Been having second thoughts about that because I had quite bad vibes from the career talk the last time.

Some new roads have opened through a good friend, however I gotta acquire more knowledge on my own before I can head there - things that school doesn't offer. It won't be a cushy job but definitely quite exciting and possibly may earn enough for me to move out within a year.

Then, I'm thinking (ah, I do that too much) about just turning my back on the world for 3 months after graduation. At the rate this economy is going, it would be very difficult to get in anywhere. Not a day passes without hearing from the news and contacts about headcount being frozen or retrenchment taking place. Really, the entire global economy's like a walking time bomb now.

But the one thing that I must really remember now is that for success to happen, it would take a lot of dedication, time, patience and skill in whatever I do. I have a head start in certain areas (photography mainly) but I'm not sure where that would lead me to. The thing I've learnt in these 3 weeks of being alone is that I shouldn't be worrying too much but I've gotta keep my mind and eyes open for opportunities. Things change faster than you think. However, when a choice has been made, I've gotta focus on it and ensure that I don't get sidetracked.

This applies to all of you who's reading this now and gaining insights from my insights. I did most of the thinking and it's up to you (and me) to put that into practice.

I think I'm happier now that I have realized that worrying or hoping are really futile activities. Oh...(ramble continues) Picked up a really old book the other day. Samuel Johnson's History of Rasselas, given to me 8 years ago by my secondary school teacher. I never touched it until now and I'm glad that I did. I found so many insights within that soothed my soul. I realized that if I had read it then, I probably wouldn't have gotten as much out of it. What a peculiar book to give someone, really. But I must thank him for his foresight, it brought me some light into this enshrouding darkness. Would probably share some quotes later in the week when I get bored of studying.

I just completed programming for my intelligent agent. Unfortunately, I don't think it's very smart but it performed better than the random walkers for the 50 tests that I performed (yes, I'm that obsessive. Each test takes 400 seconds though). I probably won't be working on it until I'm done with my last paper on Tuesday (hah, I end early for once) but the project's due on Thursday. I've got to do an interview after that for the gallery guide (did I mention that I've been writing for the Singapore Art Gallery Guide?) and then I'm not so sure what's gonna happen in December. Might be heading up to KL for a few days with my mentor and probably join up with some friends who are planning to go up too. Will have to work on my arts festival project (more like a personal project) and hopefully get some jobs in between. Will have to start shifting house after Christmas and get the new place painted and cleaned. Another year awaits, hopefully with less disappointments and heartbreaks this time round.

Zombies

Weird dream about a cursed coin that turned people into zombies. All began on campus (not the one I attend but somewhere out in the woods). Somebody was the first one to be afflicted with the disease and it started spreading. Initially everyone was confined on the top floor, a large room with a big dome on top.

Anyway I discovered what happened and managed to procure a gun. Started killing some of them. Was sad to see some friends turn. Along with S, we went around the building trying to get people out and killing the zombies. Then the gun ran out of bullets and I found a really sharp pair of scissors. Started poking them in the neck and was quite amazed at my strength. We moved between rooms by climbing out of the windows. Somebody had to use the PA system to warn everyone! And where were the police?

We were running and running inside the place. The zombies were taking over faster than we could kill them because every bite of theirs would turn someone into one of them. The process was hard to stomach, rotting flesh and spewing blood. We needed help! It took awhile before the police came. They separated people by way of body temperature. At this point of time, S was infected and he said he had to go. I looked at him and I couldn't say anything. He was slowly turning but I forgot what his decision was. I was concerned, I needed to know that all these zombies were dead.

So I climbed through the windows again, peeking at each room. Somehow the police were rather efficient and the rooms were being cleansed at a quick rate. I saw a dog, one of those shaggy light brown and dark haired ones, swallow up a coin and turned into one of them. Yet it scuttled around unnoticed. As the police were slowly leaving the place, people were returning to normal activities as if nothing happened (they were rather ignorant). Youngsters were playing in the abandoned rooms, amazed at all the bloodshed. A bunch of people were working on their marketing project right on top of the hill. The dog! It behaved normally but then I still had to find it...Somewhere along the way, some zombies appeared back on scene and the whole running and hiding process started all over again. The dog also managed to self-replicate like an amoeba and complicated the process of finding the coin.

Strange dream...without a resolution. Pardon the bad mistakes in spelling and grammar. Need to write this down quick lest it turns into dust. With dreams like this, movies seem kinda dull huh.

All I wanna do now is to float away...

Strange Dreams

It was one of those nights where dreams just seem so real and would definitely affect the way I work today. Before I slept I was already in one of those half-awake/asleep modes, drifting in and out, seeing images and feeling like my entire body's being sucked out of a straw. Wicked. As it progressed, I dreamt of murder. The death of two young punks beaten up by an autistic person. I think the judge passed leniency on that. Then it was me traveling or living abroad. At first with a couple, me with somebody. It was strange that part because I walked into their room and it was in a mess, everything in disarray. Clothes strewn everywhere and I hear laughter in the room their were in. I peeped and they were having a pillow fight. Lol. Then I was living somewhere, traveling with a strange bunch. We were in a compound, almost like like a luxurious prison. There were exotic things outside the gate and I saw a gas station that I really wanted to photograph. A friend asked if we could go out, I didn't know but I wanted to. So I said yes but I had to grab my tripod and camera first. Then there was free food, large loaves of yummy bread, some weird jelly-like thing. She asked, were all these free? Yes, I said, eat! We were happy but there was that guilt of murder and deceit underlying all these emotions and I awoke.

Running Away...

...from all the troubles and heartaches.

Decided to put on my running shoes today because I was pissed with sitting out the entire weekend's exercise regime due to the stomach woes. So I ran and ran and before I knew it, I finished my 6km route without much effort. Strange how I had to force myself to run the equivalent months ago and all I wanted to do was to keep my mind quiet and focus on something tangible. Not bad considering that I haven't gone to the gym in a month (and not much cardio even then).

After living here for so long, I think I'm gonna miss the hooting owls, leaping toads, flying bats, scuttling rats and roosting birds (huge ones) when I move away. There's also that giant white bird with a really big wingspan that I saw once. Oh and the transvestite cockerel (repeat last abbreviated) that just sounds damn wrong..Very soon, I'd be hearing the goddamn train everyday. At least there would be a gym and swimming pool nearby.

I've grown to love this house, gotten used to the seclusion. To be able to enjoy the expanse of sky and trees. Was thinking about moving out again last night..I wished I had more money to do so. I think the Asian mentality is too needy, we want to stay home with our parents because we are afraid and used to the convenience. I rather stay alone but financially, I think it's quite a waste..For that money, I could save up and get myself a proper place in a few years. Oh well, shouldn't dwell on that. I need to learn how to stop dwelling.

The stomach still hurts. This reluctance to visit the doctor seems to afflict everyone in the family.

Trying to figure out how to program an intelligent agent to maximize profits in a continuous double auction model. Looking at lines upon lines of equations that absolutely do not make sense to me. But I have an inkling that once I figure this out, I could be looking at new ways of studying the markets.

I'd be glad once this is over. Btw, skipping class today as it is pointless to go for presentations only.

This is one good reason why I am such a torn person. My brain is equally good on both sides and I don't really have preference for either, it all depends on my mood for the day. Is there a job available that allows me to be creative, methodological, scientific and expressive at the same time?

Sick. Runnin' on Empty.

Sick...Double whammy of a diarrhea and migraine sure is a dud. Totally overworked this time round, I say. Watching the telly for the entire weekend didn't help either. Too many sappy love shows on TV, Saturday night TV is probably the worst. I wished I was well enough to hang out last night.

Non-contact. There are somethings that I really want to shout out about now. Maybe that's why I'm suffering a physical reaction from all the emotions welled up within.

Exhaustion

Overworked and feeling sick. Can't believe I have two classes on a Saturday, a major project and an assignment due next week that I have no ideas on how to proceed. I need to rest...it's been a mentally, physically and emotionally draining quarter.

Still stuck in school "rehearsing" tomorrow's presentation. A mini world war broke up between the British and the Chinese, with the Korean standing in the middle. I just stood at the side and talked to the Brazilian. Seriously.

I miss the homemade apple pies and japanese restaurants.

Deleted

Accidentally removed all messages in my phone. Inbox, outbox, drafts and everything in my saved folders. Everything is gone. Memories, reminders and messages close to my heart.

Stupid.

Odd

Dreamt of an old theatre/restaurant type building and the staff gorging themselves on the food whenever they could. A room with "POEMS" on top of the door. Musty dark place. Waiters in red blazers, walking by tables and eating. A female manager with a 50s honeycomb-shaped hair, keeping an eye on them. "No eating!", she says. I remember hotdogs and fries. Outside, guests were seated in round tables, laughing, talking, clinking glasses. When serving the food, the waiters stole something to eat whenever they could. I was there and I witnessed everything.

I'm wondering, what's the significance of this?

People In Planes - Pretty Buildings

I will dive into my sleep
and I'll dream of the pretty buildings
wonder what she's doing now
and whether she's still living

telegraph your points of view
and shepherd me from silence
sitting in this field of rage
I fall down from my pedestal

I don't wanna feel this low again
I ain't gonna steal your flame again
I don't wanna feel...

cause you know it hurts like hell
So come out of the closet
let's talk about it
cause you know it hurts like hell

flowers bloom in harmony
mix tapes from the 60's
fueled by the LSD
he looks into his future

I don't wanna feel this low again
I ain't gonna steal your flame again
I don't wanna feel...

cause you know it hurts like hell
so come out of the closet
let's talk about it
cause you know it hurts like hell

morning came and I was dead
before I left for school
we'll paint the smiles onto our heads
and keep away from the animals

Past, Present, Future

Never did realize how much I write. I've got a personal journal where I write only when I'm having lots of emotional issues to deal with, a blog to vent my usual frustrations (you're reading it now), a blog on photography, a notebook to keep the daily random thoughts, the different journals that I run through on each traveling trip and school reports don't count.

It's the best way that I can record down my thoughts and feelings. It doesn't matter if anybody reads or not. It's for me.

Strangely, I was flipping through the personal journal and I saw a graph that I plotted of my emotional stability over the two years in JC. Maybe I should do it for the time since then, think that would be interesting. I also drew up a process map of where I'm heading to in the future (where I am now) and I've so obviously deviated from it (NUS Law/Comp Sci. haha).

I think we can't make up projections about life like this, things may not happen the way we think. We should just try our best at everything we do now, keeping an eye on the future but not forcing things to go certain ways. It creates unnecessary pressure and undue stress.

All I can do now is to concentrate on finishing up the last two weeks of presentations and projects in school, concentrate on the exams, then I'll deal with this gaping loneliness within. I need to regain my personal space and clean up the mess I created.

Are you hurting too?

misery

...comes in pairs.

dropped my lights today. and my camera on the tripod too. light got smashed and my wireless transmitter got flattened. sucks like hell.

shoot went ok, don't think I did a stellar job but it is so hard to concentrate now. halfway thru, i felt like crying...and i couldn't share my grief with anyone. I take really good care of my equipment and it's the first time I dropped them. *sigh* the pay isn't even enough to replace the damaged goods.

i was dreading to come home because that means I'd be all alone again. I've gotta edit the images and have them ready by tomorrow. another long sleepless night for a pittance. don't think that's making me feel any better.

Emotional

Chinese emo songs should be banned. But the MIC people were singing their lungs out opposite where I was sitting today before the shoot.

对你的思念是一天又一天
孤单的我还是没有改变
美丽的梦何时才能出现
亲爱的你好想再见你一面

对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过

Pond Scum

Just came back from work. Took it up partly cos I needed the money and also to keep myself busy.

It just didn't feel right. The crowd today was too high-class, people weren't really enjoying their skin and it was so superficial. I really hate events like this. People generally treated me like a rat, waving me away. Come on, I'm doing my work! And the main person, a true prima donna from NYC, was pretty much of an ass. I was ready to walk out if he even raised his voice. I don't need to take anybody's shit.

After the shoot I almost had the urge to send my usual I'm-done-with-work sms. It felt so bad with all the emotions welling up inside me on the train back. I had no one to complain about the work, about the people, about everything. Maybe I'm too pessimistic and complain-y to begin with. The phone beeped and my heart skipped a bit. I checked my phone and it was an odd message about some soccer bet. *sigh*

Like W said last night, gotta get out of the habit. And C mentioned that it takes 1/4 of a relationship's duration before one can get over it. L offered to have beer when he gets back. I'm still glad I have some friends around. And H is still the only one whom I can trust with everything. It all boils down to family background really. And I absolutely hate mine.

Anyway got the second part out of three for the job early tomorrow. Not earning much out of it but better than nothing. I'm tired of pretending that I'm interested in school work now.

Horoscope

Horoscope for tomorrow. Almost laughable, in a sad way.

Your gift, today, is the great ability to accept the things you cannot change in your life, which will come in handy. There is a lot going on that is beyond your control right now, and there is no point in getting frustrated about it. Your best bet is to keep busy with the few things you can control right now -- your attitude, your sense of confidence, and your focus. This period will pass soon enough, but in the meantime you should get comfortable doing what you're told.

i take that back.

it hurts like fuck.

Drop

Surprisingly, it hasn't hurt like it should have.

Maybe it's the defense mechanism built up over the years: the endless scenario analysis and this ending up on the less painful side.

Maybe it's just another drop in the great big sea of pain, in this drama called life.

Maybe the reality hasn't hit yet and it will on Monday morning, like a hangover from a weekend of decadence.

One true friend is all you need in times like this. The rest peripheral and expendable. "Are you okay?" is really quite a fucked up thing to say. What does it look like to you?

Then again, reality is slowly creeping in that there's no one else to share the news, the insights, the discoveries. That there won't be someone as smart and intelligent, as understanding and forgiving, as beautiful, as you.

Scrambling back to safety without addressing the fundamental problems would not be wise. Perhaps objectivity has yet to arrive till the cloud of sentimentality fades.

Things will never be the same again.

Morning Sun On Midnight Skin

When the pulsating music stops and the light comes on, empty people stagger out from the darkened rooms.

Laughing, cursing, swearing, puking, smoking, dancing, drinking, flirting, smiling, scowling.

Pointless. Yet, it seems like everything.

We go because we need something to fill the gap. We leave with a bigger hole.

In a few hours, the outside world doesn't matter. Escape. Emotions put on hold, staging a show.

Revulsion.

In the morning, everything is retraced back to the starting point. Night has turned to day, negative to positive. But the sun doesn't shine in the dark and empty place within.

Words, My Only Solace

I wished I held you a little longer.

(Edited)

心里面有许多许的爱与愁
不知是否是永远的伤口

其实我也知道你很难受
只是这个世界把你我分两头

割断情思与占有
想起你我相爱的时候

我真的好伤悲好难受
不知道什么时候才是尽头

为什么相爱的人不能够在一起
偏偏换成了回忆

我带你的照片
找到海角天边
希望你会在出现

Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

怀念你柔情似水的眼睛
是我天空最美的星星
不知在远方的你是否能感应
我从来不敢给你任何诺言
是因为我知道我们太年轻
你追求是一种浪漫感觉
还是那不必负责的热情
心里的话到现在才对你表明
不知道你是否会因此而清醒
让身在远方的我不必为你担心
一颗爱你的心
时时刻刻为你转不停
我的爱也曾经深深温暖你的心灵
别隐瞒
对我说
别怕我伤心

And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were running the reins

Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can

I'm too shy, I should have kissed you
When we were alone

What am I?
A whisper in your ear?
Or your biggest mistake?

What am I, darlin'?
I got years to wait around for you


对的错的 做了选择 故事说到这

只是过去的甜蜜太过深刻

要多久 才能够褪色

好的坏的 做了选择 我们就到这

纵然会难以割舍又能如何

说好了 这个时刻不互相指责

Deja Vu

Somehow the topic of deja vu kept appearing this week, somewhere in between casual conversations over beer, someone writing about it on his blog and then the discovery of a 248-dimensional theoretical mathematical model of E₈ over at Ted. While I'm trying to cram crappy financial/accounting stuff into my head, the theory of positrons and electrons and neutrinos and their smaller counterparts making up each individual atom and spinning and twisting in space-time continuum is so refreshing and tough to comprehend.

I was asking several people on what causes deja vu and being artists, they couldn't really give me a plausible answer (more like silence and i let it slide). But I think this particular explanation using E₈ is the best I have heard so far (Matrix doesn't count).

Basically, with this spinning things that we can't see, there exists an infinite possibilities of reality and deja vu occurs when a slight kink happens in this reality (right here, right now) which is spinning in tandem with the rest. It's a little hard to comprehend as our brains are so used to 3-dimensional and adding a fourth (time) already throws (most of) us off tangent. With that, we sometimes feel like we have been in a particular situation before because perhaps in another reality it did happen.

Then I'm left wondering about the Internet and how these electronic particles that we're creating online could evolve a life/existence of their own. Then it gets a bit too much for my brain to handle and I think I should get back to studying. Bummer.

Then Again

I'm reading the daily financial news In between studying for my test and it's really quite depressing to see the markets falling from the sky.

Was having a conversation with an ex-shipping turned TVC producer turned documentary photographer the other day. He mentioned how all his banker friends are all feeling very depressed now. And how there's really no job/career path that could bring you the "riches". Yet, he still encouraged me to move on to the corporate world, just to have a taste of the real world. I'd be more equipped to decide where I want to go next.

Still, it's really fucked up reading the news now. I turn it down for one day and everything seems even more topsy turvy the day after! The Great Depression this may not be. But it's the worst recession since then.

So much for a degree in something I'm starting to lose faith in!

The FCC

Last night was quite an interesting and special as I downed a few beers and whiskeys with a group of photographers from the region. As the majority of them were photojournalists, it felt a little like the Foreign Correspondents' Club. We were drinking at a guesthouse's garden under an almost-full moon where the drinks were free-flowing, a mishmash of languages and smoke in the air, Thai, Philippine, Bahasa...I haven't felt so alive and connected in a long while.

Most of them are flying back today and tomorrow, which makes me sad. I'm most definitely visiting them when I go to their respective countries. It was such a magical moment for me, to experience the gathering of "artists", where we are all bound by that single love for a medium.

When we just started, a Brit working here came and talked to us. He's from the oil and gas industry, works from 630am to 10pm everyday and lives away from his family. He talked in a dull monotonous tone and kept repeating how artists' lives were so different and how he works so hard. Being hospitable, I talked to him for quite a fair bit but I soon got tired because he was extremely boring to talk to. Naturally, the rest shunned him and soon, he had to retire to bed.

Anyway, it made me think about career choices again. Given the corporate path and the road less travelled, I am slowly seeing where I am gonna be heading next (corporate la, duh!). Well, it's not like I am going over to the dark side. Yet I made the decision after seeing how my "art" suffered ever since I attached a price tag to it.

I don't think I would mind desk-bound jobs that much.

Seriously. It's just that we all want to live a more romanticized way of life, you know, the unshaven photojournalist shooting in conflict zones, sipping whiskey after a hard day to forget what he saw or the fashion guy in his designer clothes, surrounded by beautiful people. Ideals that are very far removed from the truth! Of course a desk job can get monotonous but I think I would rather build up a substantial amount of money now, something stable so that I can move out soon. Maybe I'd save up enough to study (art) overseas or do really well at what I'm doing and retiring early.

One thing I am starting to realize is that despite feeling that this career-path situation is like the biggest decision in life and the constant fear of screwing up because of a wrong choice is well unfounded. We've got our entire lives to live and it doesn't matter to try everything out. I'm tired of the commercial side of things now and rather have something else to feed my art. And the corporate contacts are always useful if I ever decide to become a full-time photographer again.

It's really not as bad as you think.

There I've said it. My decision. So I shall now clamor with the rest of the people for that job opening in one of the worst recessions ever experienced. Wonderful. Don't we all love the greedy rich fuckers? And the school ads? I think they might have trouble convincing anyone next year with the "100%"-employment-within-6-months (crap) tagline.

Eye Bags

It takes a few people from across the world to tell me that I think too much, that I want things to move faster.

I ponder but I do not think.

I see but I do not feel.

I feel nothing.

At this junction, I am once again floating, like I have for the past 10 years.

Life's only destination is death.

So why do we live it like every decision we make would be the last and final choice?

And I can't have my cake and eat it too. I've sort of made up my mind on where to go next, straight into the comforts of a rickety office chair. I just gotta resolve the conflicts that I'm feeling. If I really hate it, I would always have somewhere else to go. Life doesn't stop at the "end" of the paper trail...it's just the beginning.

Just have to keep reminding myself. Just have to.

Liketh

Lifehouse on Saturday was awesome but I was pissed because the audience and security gave me shit for trying to do my job. Anyway, had some really cool shots that I'll put in the portfolio. Awesomeness! Bringing in my guests by cutting a queue of 700 was really ego-boosting. Haha. Sure beats trying to sneak into Zouk.

I think I really like stage lights, music, smoke machines and thumping stereos. Comparatively, I think I have quite a high hit rate especially for the shitty conditions and my not so perfect equipment. Shall go source for more concert gigs for the future~

Future

I unveiled my personal project yesterday, a series of portraiture that seeks to form a topography of people's views on the future. I spent 12 hours waiting for subjects to walk in and had initially planned for 50. The actual number came close to 15, which was kinda disappointing. Yet, through this 15 people, some strangers, some friends, I learnt a little more about them.

A variety of people from school came in, you had the typical stellar student, the dreamer, the rightist, the lost, the traveller... And I learnt more about myself, in an intangible way I guess. I did not shoot much actually, spent most of the time talking to them, probing them with questions. It's funny how people can open themselves up when seated in a different environment. It felt like an interview-therapy-portraiture-networking session. I've gotta wait till I get the film developed before I know if my little experiment worked.

Avalanche

Phew. Suddenly the week seems wonderfully filled with performance anxiety. I think it's good because school has got it's way of clawing at you. I'd be having a portraiture session in school tomorrow, my first time interacting with a large random crowd. I'd also be using my (cheaply bought) medium format camera for the first time outside of the safety confines of a home studio.

Over the weekend, although covering the band would be major kick-ass cool but I'm really getting the jitters. Not the first time covering a performance in low-light but still! Definitely an exciting lead up to the mid-term break next week.

In other news, school's really turning into quite a bitch now. I wish I was finishing soon yet the mofo economy is causing a contraction in the job market. I'm gonna start doing my job hunt really soon (like next week when everything has calmed down). Oh well. As the page turns.

I hope the shoot goes well tomorrow. I'm expecting a huge crowd!

Butterflies

Had a weird dream of cosmic proportions, of ghosts and spirits, of fast cars and dark rooms. When I woke up, I was afraid of the universe I created and then destroyed. It's like self-propagating worlds that get borne out of nothing and set to flourish, much like how our existence is thought to be like. What if one day, the Big Man in the sky wakes up from his dreams?

Anyway, that strange compelling thought aside, I'm having butterflies in my stomach over a job next weekend. I'd be covering a huge band from the States and would be given backstage/front stage/rehearsal access. Literally hanging out with the band for the whole day and I'm so afraid that my ancient gear's not fast enough or might just die on me. It's been quite awhile since I had this gripping fear with work 'cos every time had been pretty staid and easy. I hope I won't screw up!

Silent

I realized that I have not picked up a camera in a few weeks, since my last job and somehow, I'm sort of drifting away from it.

I would like to think of it as getting tired of commercialization and retreating into a safe place.

Anyway job openings are around the corner and I better get down to it...

Somehow, I feel very jaded today.

Impressions

The entire investment banking model got thrown out of the window last week. Some people in school still wanna be an i banker; seriously, give me a break.

I got enveloped in school and almost couldn't make it out alive. The paper chase is causing some form of regret to well up within. I am just counting down the months before I can say good bye to academia. I can't stand the rigor anymore. Maybe it's cos I hardly had a break, especially compared to all this people who went on exchanges etc. Then again, I find myself being bitter about my entire situation and I wish I wasn't. It's causing a negative aura to build up around me and I simply judge people by their ap-"parent" wealth.

Well, my dad once said that I shouldn't be comparing myself with people. At least I am still alive, well-fed and have an opportunity to be educated. Yet, I cannot stop imagining how things could be better if things weren't screwed up at home.

Anyway, it's been a crazy week with 3 presentations, a quiz, a programming project (not done with that) and a long shot at a business case challenge. I'm glad that most of it is over and I can actually reply to emails and write. It's hard to survive on caffeine only.

Relax

A few days ago, I was reading a book that caused me to put it down and think about something written inside.

The author proposed that there was no purpose in purpose. All of our obsessions to find a purpose in life would cause us to live a sub-optimal life. Instead, he encouraged people to look for a vision, to find within ourselves what drives us. We need to somehow step out of our daily conundrums and take a critical/relaxed look at how we worked. Are we working because we like to keep ourselves busy?

If we weren't bogged down with mundane things, would we retreat into a dark corner and feel worthless? Self-worth should not emanate from our need to run our daily business as if it was a sinking ship. We need to let go and then concentrate on more important areas, i.e. aspects of lives we neglected while running around like a mad chicken.

While I haven't gotten till the part where he encouraged entrepreneurship, I'm sure there should be a few gems hidden inside.

I guess I learnt this lesson the hard way, when I was struggling with so many things in life to occupy myself so I wouldn't succumb to my inner demons. Nevertheless, it's always good to have a reminder.

I think next time I should become a motivational speaker or something with all these life lessons.

Hello, Lost People

Hi.

There ain't no roadmaps.

Good luck!

Rethink

Just struck me that all this anxiety that we live in is caused mostly by the illusion that we'd be left starving on the streets if we didn't study hard enough and pass our exams and get a job; an idea perpetuated by our parents since we were tiny boys and girls asked to stop playing in the sun and study for our kindergarten spelling tests.

Now that's definitely a long and grammatically wrong sentence that explains our misery.

I wish I could say that I've got the guts and money to just take a year off and do nothing.

Anxiety

Hmm..seems like quite a number of people from my batch have since graduated or are looking at graduation in December. Everyone is kinda apprehensive on what the future holds: job prospects and the economic gloom. Living the comforts of academia and textbook for a real world life is kinda scary. Most people don't really know what they want and with the bad news hitting the financial sector everyday, most of us are left stranded. Frightened, nervy and generally clueless.

I guess another stage in life has just opened its doors.

Rainy Rain Rain

Been raining constantly for the past week and all the gloomy skies have a tendency to push me towards melancholy. Emo baby. Haha.

Been busy lately running around getting my orders filled in for the month. Now I've got a short break before work starts again next month. I wish I had bigger contracts or something...so I don't have to be so taxed for time. Big paychecks are always good for the bank account. And I had better do something about all the modules in school. It's week 2 in a blink of the eye and I have a feeling that school-induced madness will settle in very quickly.

While walking to lunch (I seem to do quite a fair bit of introspection during lunch time), I asked myself why I'm working so damn hard, trying to balance so many things in life. The short answer was that because I can. And if I can, I should strive to do as many things as possible because opportunities happen when you least expect it.

Had a short but interesting conversation with the other half yesterday. We compared our lives, about serendipity. Her life is constantly filled with random one-off events that changes her life completely. Things just happen and good people appear in life with lots of guidance and help.

I, on the other hand, appear to be constantly fighting. Good things seldom happen, and when they do, I had to go through lots of hard work for them. I've since developed a certain hard-as-nails appearance. You know, the indomitable spirit, the one who can carry the weight of the entire world on his shoulders while standing on one leg. We wondered if it was either divine intervention or our personalities that causes these phenomena to happen.

Then again, I just finished Nassim Nicholas Taleb's Black Swans where he rambled on about these sort of random events. Things that fall out of our bell curves, lies that academics feed into our young impressionable brains. They have no precedent, no reason and they just happen. You can't predict them, you can only make the best use of it. There's no use in anticipation because they would just happen and you're totally fucked if you're not prepared for it. Well, maybe something drastic will happen and I end up dead/rich/poor/jailed...and that would change the entire course of the autobiography that I'm writing.

I don't do very well in school, I'm not making shitloads of money (which most people assume that I am). I'm lost and confused. A little frightened. I wake up not knowing where I am, not knowing where I am heading. Everyday is packed. And I wonder, why am I still standing? Why am I still braving it all? I haven't lost hope...I just need a little direction, a little divine help, a little helping hand. Am I just afraid to ask for help sometimes?

[Funny that Hooverphonic's Sad Song started playing halfway through this]

Now it's time to move to the next level
Sore wet eyes that look at the devil
Tell me please that it's time to leave

On the train I lost my intelligence
Found my love with good intentions
But it's still time to leave

(chorus)
I recorded the sound of your heart
I recorded the sound of your eyes
And I converted them into this sad song
That modulated these mysterious lights

Fear

So it's the second week of school and I'm not really seeing much of the year fours around. How time flies... We were just fresh-faced freshmen 3 years ago and now, we are facing impending graduation and the grind of the job hunt. It seems to me that we all live in a climate of fear. Fear of not getting a good job, fear of not finding something we might enjoy, fear of the economy's bad performance.

Then I realized that we have all been living in some forms of fear since we were growing up. We're like scared little white mice in a giant social experiment lab test. The government wants us to ensure that we continue making the economy prosper, procreate future generations of fear-induced mice and carry on living out our blueprinted lives.

I've been struggling with plenty of issues lately while juggling work and other stuff. School's getting staid and I wish I could really pinpoint what I want to do in a few months. It's scary to walk into the working world when you don't really know if you are even going to survive. The usual bout of confusion hits and I'm really not so sure again. I wish I was earning more now with less efforts so I'm not like perpetually tired. Top it up with trying to keep myself fit (aka The Weight Loss Program), I think I need another holiday very very soon. I hope I do decently well in school this term and sort out the stupid career move soon.

Sometimes, I envy all these people who already have their goals set...investment banking, wealth management, private banking etc, while I'm still struggling with keeping the family intact and making sure my clients pay me on time. I wonder what I would be saying three years later...perhaps burnt out from working like a cow but maybe with a bank account that's fat enough for me to relocate!

The sweetness of randomness in our lives. The future beckons.

Sweden

When I was in Bangkok, I befriended an artist from Sweden while out on my daily gallery hunt. He was a fascinating character to talk to. We talked about how time has changed things, compared Sweden and Singapore, revisited his memories o Singapore (in 1969) and he kept thinking about how the 60s was such an interesting period to live in.

My favorite part of the conversation was how he described Sweden to be like. A huge empty land, sometimes so quiet that you could hear your own heartbeat at night. And the empty towns that people used to live in. And it made me really want to visit - this vast quiet country. I just could not imagine a place so silent...and the nearest neighbor being maybe 200 km away (at certain places).

Self

Spending time alone has always been a good way for me to recharge. It was also a good opportunity for me to do some introspection and change my mindset. I think I would love to adopt the sabai mentality into my life, where everything will settle by itself without much need to worry and you know, lead a happier existence. I think I am approaching a point in life where I am constantly having to ask myself - who I really am, what I really want and where am I really heading in the future. And it's neither in an angst-filled teenage manner, nor in a fresh-grad-oh-i-need-a-job...but more like digging deep within myself for the answers.

We make our own choices in life (sober or not) and we have to deal with the consequences. People you meet, places you go. It's an endless cycle, or an infinite loop.

I want to be free.

Coming home feels like returning back to my box. Restraints, constraints, inhibitions, rules, laws.

That's why I love to travel, to get away. It is the only time that I can be me.

OO Woes

Note: I'm in need of a quick dirty way to get things done at the lowest possible cost.

I'm working on a side project for work and the company refuses to get a license for MS Access or SQL Server, much less an integrated ERP system for the finance department. I'm trying hard to use Open Office's Base for the project and I'm rather peeved. There are functions lacking in Base, which have been thoroughly integrated into Access/SQL Server that allow for quick and easy manipulation of data.

The thing is that I'm developing something for laymen and they need to quickly learn how to use these tools to simplify their tasks. I created something similar in Excel but gave up cos it took too long to generate the results using arrays with nested sum ifs.

I'm struggling with OO now, the good thing is that it didn't cost me a single cent. Long live open source but it would be a long time more before it can replace existing proprietary software.

Some (Good) News

Some good news to share. I am shortlisted for the Crowbar awards, which is gonna be held this Friday but the tickets are exorbitant and I refuse to pay for them. Next, I was informed last night that I was selected for the SIPF's workshop and portfolio review in October. However, this means that I'd have to shift my classes around or try and get the professors' approval to miss classes.

And my new timetable for the coming term is pretty alright, 3-day week as usual, except that I'm having a break on Tue-Wed/Sat-Sun. I hope this can allow me to balance my schedule better. I'm trying to get a proper fitness regime started, random sporadic periods of running isn't so good.

Despite this, I've been losing quite a number of jobs this month due to internship and reservist, which kinda sucks. The internship is ending soon and now people are throwing their unwanted work to me. Took mc today cos of a migraine but also because I want to finish up my project for them.

Will be heading for a 5-day retreat, beginning August. Expect myself to be reenergized and recharged for the last quarter of the year!

Bite

Life has a way of turning around and biting your leg when you are down.

I think I'm not gonna be alright for the time being.

But I gotta keep living and fighting.

darkness

I'm stuck in a deep dark place. I can't get out.

too much

there's too much on my mind lately.

and the pain, it's hard to take away.

why did things have to turn out this way?

sometimes i wish of non-existence.

HK 06

HK 02

HK 03

HK 04

HK 05

HK 01

Before Dust

Received the property valuation report today and it feels like the solidification of untold fears and a lingering sense of sadness. Our parents' sins would affect our lives forever. A prevailing sickness passed down from generation to generation.

Would I be the one to break this cycle?

At the precise moment when a piece of lint and dust settled on my keyboard, I felt a spark of inspiration and here I am now; furiously typing away; grabbing words from thin air. Writing has always been cathartic - I write to remember, I write to stay sane.

Walking through familiar hallways earlier, hidden memories surfaced and I cried a little inside. Skeletons in my closets returned to haunt me before receding into the darkness. Somehow, I feel more emotional tonight.

Very soon, I would be leaving this empty shell of a home. When we first moved here, I hated the far-flung location but I have grew to love its tranquility. I will definitely document the space before we move out. I've never been much of a sentimental person (so I choose to believe) yet I can't help but express my sorrows - of being forcibly ejected from a place I called home for seven years.

Time passes faster than we think it does.

Then, all of this would cease to be the present and be reduced to hazy images in the head.

Fan Mail

Spent the entire evening answering fan mails and also submitting my other blog for the Singapore Blog Awards. Don't think I will win anything but no harm trying. Vote for me when the voting rounds begin. =)

Office news flash: The new shredder is here and it's much cooler than the previous one. Yeah!

Clarity

Somehow I think being where I am now has given me some clarity and traction in life. It made me realize how working at something without love/passion can absolutely blind a person. A career becomes a job, an endless cycle of chores to be cleared before 6 p.m.

Some updates from the office. The office shredder died last week, robbing me of some fun in the office. I'm well acquainted with the photocopier now and also the receptionist for the couriers, who knows me by name now. Colleagues are a genial bunch and my direct supervisor treats me really nice. However, a colleague's on a month's mc and I'd have to cover all her duties till she returns. More menial and boring stuff ahead!

Oh, and I'm scheming my way to get more tech related work from the big big boss. He gave me a relatively simple project last week and hopefully upon its completion, he might use me to do something else. And I also exercised my excel mastery to help one of my colleague solve a problem using array functions. =)

Nevertheless, I am just wishing to end this quickly. I'm glad for this experience though. I've been spoilt because my first real desk job involved lots of creativity and clout, despite being just a temp. And my photography jobs had me running my own outfit, with complete independence (save for clients' moods). Having some corporate lowest-life-form experience has definitely brought my head down to Earth.

Things

Funny that an informative source for buying/selling houses is actually a local forum for beauty and makeup. Although I think it's quite sad that couples here tend to register for flat first before getting married (after getting registered).

Using the HDB website is a pain. I just want to print from a pdf and read everything offline but I've to click lots of links to find the information I require.

This week, shredding became boring at work. I sat in for another meeting and I am thinking of ways to streamline the current process, which is not really part of the job scope but if I succeed, I can have more free time to do other stuff in June. Meeting some interesting people outside of work, which is always good for networking.

Uhhh

If it wasn't for the long weekend, the first week at work would be unbearable. At least the second week is shorter and I have another 8 more to go, with 2 weeks of reservist towards the end. I think I'm just not suited for intensive manual office work. My brain feels relatively unused and I need to find time to settle things outside of the office.

Strangely, I've been getting requests to do weddings, which I wouldn't mind doing if the price is right. Missed out on an editorial job this week and a full-day shoot next week. Really hate seeing my income dipping like crazy.

I'd probably try to finish up the roll in my camera now, need to have these pics ready for submission to Singapore International Photography Festival at the end of the month.

Also, I have learnt a big lesson in life and I'm starting on my job hunt already. Kiasu? Maybe. Scared shitless after being exposed to a dead end job? Yes.

I think I've been rather spoilt in some ways. My part time work and sideline has given me lots of autonomy and freedom in what I do. Hence, when you lock me in a cubicle for 8 hours a day...I can't help but just cry in despair. Bummer.

Day 2

Day 2 at the office.

The most exciting things that happened were shredding paper, teaching the IT guy how to import data from a data source in Excel and making friends over lunch.

The not so exciting part: my job scope.

Need to find ways to do something more meaningful.

Moving Along

One step at a time.

Whenever I see pictures of a younger me, I wish I could go back in time to tell him that things don't look so good in the future. So please, lighten up and be happier.

Unfortunately, I can't do that.

Saved

Finally managed to get an internship through a good friend. Will start work on Monday and end sometime in August.

Just finished my first editorial assignment. Finally breaking into the magazine market!

Things at home ain't looking so good, enough to make a young person jaded.

Oh well, I need immense strength to pull this over.

Paralysis

When a can of worms is opened, what spills out could be so terrifying that you end up staring at the mess, paralyzed.

Unfortunately, there ain't not room for retreat; you gotta pick up the pieces of your life.

Start rebuilding, start constructing - new plans, new hopes.

Fire fighting for the moment but eventually, bigger plans await.

Jaded? Maybe. Defeated? Definitely not.

Live another day for the fight. Eventually, you will survive. Hopefully.

Keychain

While I stepped out into the unbearable humidity to get lunch earlier, I saw a mother walking her 4/5-year old home from school. She was carrying his lime green bag, which had a red plastic dolphin keychain attached to the zip.

An odd thought struck me, how did this dolphin feel about having its mouth hooked to a metal chain?

I wondered about how it felt about the real dolphins frolicking in the sea.

Irony

The ironic thing is that right after I wrote the post below, I received an enquiry for a big job.

And I have a theatre production to shoot tomorrow. It feels good to receive money for doing something I like but I have to keep to my promise.

Ah...how the wheel of fate turns.

Bam.

Long boring monologue ahead of my fears and tribulations.

Sick and tired of being rejected every step of the way. The company told me, "Oh I'm sorry but we filled up the position as we found a suitable candidate before looking at your resume."

Frankly, it's really quite a blow to my ego when I received the first rejection. I didn't manage to stand out from the crowd. Then the reservist thing took care of the next position I applied to. I didn't get the next one for unknown reasons, though I suspect that it's a combination of reservist and another better candidate from outside (I was the only one applying from my school). I wasn't good enough academically for the next position. And then the last one got filled up before I even made it to the company.

I've gone beyond the oh-my-god-I-totally-suck-and-nobody-wants-to-hire-me phase. I have an inkling that some cosmic force is trying its best to hinder my path and throw me into a direction that I've considered but never really taken concrete steps to move ahead. Either that or it's just not my life or luxury to be awarded opportunities like people I see in school. Peer pressure can be an evil thing.

Nevertheless, people say that internships are important to beef up the resume when looking for your first job. Well, I think I have to make a stand now that I will not and should not scramble with everyone else for that banking job. My recent grades suggest that I'm just not cut out for it, despite cramming really hard for the exams. So this (and other issues) led me to ponder upon what's in stall for somebody like me - a mash-up of various abilities and skills but not a single specialization.

I have to make a proper decision soon. It's been eating me up for the past nine months or so. Changing majors, deferring decisions for the future, basically feeling absolutely helpless. There are plenty of conflicting signals for me - the need to provide for a family that sucks every ounce of my energy away (which makes me pretty darn depressive), somebody who just wants me to make a decision and not waver, my inclination for things that aren't taught in school and everyone else around me touting their this-and-that.

I am inclined to compare with my peers, so and so got a (investment) banking internship, she's going on an exchange at a really awesome place, he got excellent grades and ad nauseam. I think school's really an unhealthy place where such ideologies and memes are propagated at an alarming rate.

When I first entered, I didn't have a good grasp of what's to come. Then it finally hit me that all these people around me are clamoring for impressive glamorous jobs. Some may really like it, others do it for the money. Then again, Gordon Gekko in Wall Street espoused that 'Greed is Good'. So in the financial industry, if you're not greedy enough, you wont succeed.

Truth is, I'm not a greedy person. Give me a million dollars and I won't know what to do with it. I wouldn't buy luxury goods but would just settle any loans the family has incurred. Buy myself some stuff that I really need and then invest the remainder for stable returns. That's the kind of person I am. I do not want to have millions of dollars and lose my soul in the process.

So what is it that drives me?

For now, I need some sort of stability for the family. Some may say that this obligation is totally unnecessary but I have to disappoint and tell you that I'm rather traditional when it comes to this. It's okay that I won't earn much, as long as I can keep things under control.

But you can't do this forever! What about your own family in the future?

Well, I really can't comment on that now...one step at a time, one step at a time.

So what do you want to do? And once you have decided, stick to it!

After some deep thinking for the past few days (wondering why I get migraines all the time?), I think I have sort of narrowed it down to a framework that should stay stable for the next couple of years and I do really have to keep a commitment to it. This means promising myself that I will NOT change my decision and STOP being so damn capricious all the time.

I would have to do something that plays to my abilities and interests. I like autonomy, I like data, I like thinking, I like to be in charge, I like solving problems.

Photography allows me to be independent, in command and solve visual problems. However, it may not be as stable as I want it to be (given the family problems). It's definitely interesting and never fails to make me happy, even if I have to shoot yet another corporate event. Most importantly though, it makes me feel free and freedom is good.

Since I have struck off all grandeur of a banking/consulting job, I'm pretty much left with something that allows me to look at data everyday, analyze it, come up with patterns/trends and make them useful in solving some problems. It doesn't have to be flashy or earn lots of money, as long as I enjoy what I do and I'm given control over the process. I would be free within a structure.

What would provide all that I ask for? Data analyst? Stock analyst? Commodities analyst? Marketing researcher?

Yes, it's painful to give up a passion like this but one must understand the dichotomy presented here. I am only able to foresee a 5-year sustainability period for photography. And then, what comes after it? Would I be broke and passionless at the end of that tenure? I don't really want to be that person, you know, the proverbial "failed" starving artist. Yes, there's a possibility that I do really well here but the beta's too high for me right now.

Well, doing it after being employed for years and taking a larger leap of faith would be unfathomable for a man hoping to start (or has already started) a family. It will then remain a distant memory of youthful exuberance and enthusiasm. But that doesn't preclude the rise of different goals and dreams in the future, one where I also enjoy my work and get some time off to enjoy my passion hobby (now downgraded).

Is this for the better? I seriously can't say now. Some may argue that you should do what you like et cetera. Ha. I would scoff at that since I like so many things in life. I have to take a firm stand and put my foot down. My head's been floating for too long...and I need to commit to this.

Back to the internship, I am unable to secure anything remotely close to what I am talking about here. There's an opening at a gallery to help them with strategizing (pompous!) and I may not have a well-defined role. Yes, I would learn things but it wouldn't necessary be close to my intended path. (And I fear that I may just not get it after stringing them for so long.) I am at fault for not being more proactive in my search and I don't really want to dwell on that since I would just come up with a hundred reasons for my failings.

I shall just enjoy one last year of being in the creative industry...where I call myself boss and earn more money than a fresh graduate. Same time next year, I will look back and say, "I'm glad I made this move. I managed to stop being so divided over life. I had a good year, managed to save up some money, kept things at home going smoothly. Enjoyed the company of my creative friends. I won't regret this and I shall enter the workforce with other things on my mind."

The ride begins today.

Re-Reading Norwegian Wood

You were so nice to me when I was having my problems, but now that you're having yours, it seems there's not a thing I can do for you. You're all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.

-Midori to Toru

(Actually I haven't gotten there yet but I remember this phrase and chanced upon it just now. One of those reasons why I like reading his books...I often see facets of myself in his characters)

nothing.

I have laid on my bed for the longest period in a few months (years?) today.

Woke up late, went for breakfast and spent the rest of my time lying in bed listening to songs and surfing the net.

Uncharacteristically me.

At least I'd be out for some assisting later, although I wish I didn't say yes to it yesterday.

white

Last night, I dreamt that half of my hair turned white.

It was weird.

I think I've been under quite a lot of undue pressure and anxiety lately.

Sometimes, all I want is for a simple guiding light. And some time off to do my favorite things.

It Never Stops

I have about 3 meetings slated tomorrow. It never stops.

And I'm feeling rather bummed out over the stupid internship thing. I just need to clear that 10 weeks and it's not even possible at the moment.

I remember the fortune teller in Hong Kong who said that I should just be patient this year, with regards to career matters. Well, during Chinese New Year, the fat guy on tv said it'd be a great year for money and career for pigs.

So much for professional advice.

And my head is still being stretched at the seams. I can feel some brain material seeping out.

migrainemigrainemigraine

You know life has thrown you a giant stop sign when you get a pain in the head that threatens to blow your entire brain away.

Two nights ago, I was beset by the biggest throbbing ache in my head ever. Had afternoon beer and while playing a game of mahjong in the evening, the pain swiftly descended upon me. And at the last few sets, I had like all wans (and kept drawing more wans), it accelerated into a gigantic sledgehammer pounding at the back of my head. When the game ended, I started puking and it wasn't pretty.

Now, the head still feels kinda woozy. Missed out on a friend's party last night and I'm banned from all of my usual stimulants in life. I have to sleep early too. No more late nights and whatnots.

I think it's time I took a break and stop worrying about everything else.

I hope this migraine goes away soon.

Runnin' Thoughts

Some random thoughts/questions I had while trying to stay alive during the run I just had:

1. How many snails die each day trying to cross concrete pavements?


2. How many runners I meet actually enjoy what they are doing (re: not because the doctor told them to do so).


3. How long more can I go?


4. I can always go further but that pain in the knee/ankle, lack of sleep, back ache, cup of coffee, spicy lunch, dehydration, cramp in my calf/ankle/back/shin is totally killing me...


5. Should I take the easy or the hard route? (I chose the hard one but stopped right after that cramp in my shin stopped me...)


6. When was the last time I ran? Why do I keep forgetting that this is actually quite enjoyable. Oh...it's fun until I run out of breath.

Also, I saw a couple breakup. The guy was acting pretty much like an asshole.

Music Preference

Been listening to a variety of music cos it's exam week.

I think that we could tell a person's personality, dreams and fears from the music he/she listens to.

Given that, I could be classified under melancholic and perhaps, mellow.

I like music that doesn't go too fast.

I'm not musically incline, so I need to read the lyrics before I can discern what the singer is singing about. That's why I suck at karaoke. I'm not really tone deaf but I can't sing to tune at all.

I wish I could sing though.

muxin'

me now have muxtape.

uploadin's a bitch tho.

now back to object oriented programmin'.

been feelin' too sick to run lately.

Corporate World

Applications for internships have been rejected.

Damn.

Seriously, what are they looking for that I can't relate through the cover letter?

Frankly, I am absolutely lost. Don't know what to do or where to go. Even serendipity is avoiding me too.

Lucky thing is that money's still coming in for now so I won't be going hungry for a while.

Dreamin'

Dreaming of a funky life.

I like rainy afternoons and lounge music and a cup of warm coffee.

I am trying to study.

I make up titles for photo exhibitions with random streams of words I encounter in real life.

KPI

Sometimes, the life's insecurities catches up with you and wraps you up in a shroud of darkness.

If we could quantify our speech and our actions through a KPI framework, where would you find yourself?

I think I would probably fail...family, love, school, work, friendship...

What have you achieved in life lately?

Flaws. Failure.

Jealousy, spite, anger and fear collude to cloud my heart and eyes.

Seriously, I don't think I'm a very nice person. I work so I can escape from everything.

When the body wears down, the head realizes that the heart is empty and the soul is gone.

Tired.

Crazy days and nights. Working.

Got more stuff to work on later.

I need to take a breather soon. Hope that I won't break anytime soon. Exams... =\

I love walking down the streets after a rain. Refreshes the soul.

I want to go out and make my own images...the soul is breaking at the seams.

Who? What?

Falling sick. Overworked. More work over the weekend. Presentations next week and it's hibernation-for-examination mode.

Lotsa people are following me on twitter and I don't even know them. It's kinda freaking me out. Who are you people???

Aggressiveness

While running up and down a hill for my fartlek training, This other lone jogger really got onto my nerves.

Nope, he didn't do or say anything to me. It was just that he ran in a horrible fashion, resembling how one shakes his booty on the dance floor (in the 70s).

I felt my rage rise in an instant and I really felt like bashing his head in. I shuddered each time he raised his arms to stretch; it reminded me of John Travolta in Grease, but uglier, skinner and with a bad haircut.

Dreams, Gondry, Beatles And Doors

Been having weird dreams lately. And I'm watching too many films for my own good. Perhaps it's an escape mechanism wired into my brain; the need to hide somewhere safe in that twisted, odd and bizarre place I call my mind.

Actually, I am quite sane, I think. (Sometimes.)

Discovered The Doors this week. I find their music so riveting that I shudder at the thought of attending their live concerts. They don't make music like this anymore. Jim Morrison is one tortured soul.

I finally watched Across the Universe. I like The Beatles and the song renditions were great, it helped me to discover other songs that I did not know. Happiness is a Warm Gun is on infinite loop inside my head. I read up on a controversy over the lyrics, where Lennon sings, "I need a fix cos I'm going down", as a subtle reference to heroin use. In the movie, Max lies in a hospital bed (surrounded by buxom nurses) after his stint in Vietnam. The doctor then injects him with morphine to calm his nerves and everyone starts dancing and singing to this song.

Watched Eternal Sunshine for the fourth or fifth time. I like the fact that my brain automatically erases parts of the plots, just like what they do in the movie and I get to enjoy the show all over again. It's really quite a sad movie that messes with your brain. Yet, I find myself drawn to it over and over again. One day, I wanna meet Gondry. I think I shall go write down who I wanna meet one day so that I won't forget.

A few days ago, I dreamt that I went to this really beautiful beach resort, with emerald-green sea and a shimmering city across the ocean. But I was too grumpy to enjoy it, turning nasty at everyone around me...I think, deep down inside, I'm just a really grumpy old man. =| And the next night, I dreamt that I was cooking sea bass and when I woke up, I hurried back to sleep, to prevent overcooking my fish. I wonder what would happen if I was trippin'...

School's reaching its semester crescendo, the crush of projects, assignments and then the eventual exams. I can't believe I'm gonna sit through for another two more time. We are all ingredients in an enormous pressure cooker...for make benefit of glorious nation state (and poppa and mamma and retarded brother).

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun...

That Familiar Situation

Just whipped up a 1000+-word document for my corporate finance project. Took me a long time to get this particular report done as I had to compile quite a number of news articles, literary papers and industry analysts' reports. Then I had to distill all this information into some coherent junk about why the company in question issued convertible bonds. Finally it's done and I'm happy that I manage to tie it up with my group mates' parts.

Anyway, it's the time of the year when night becomes day and days just never end. Covered an event earlier in the evening and have another slated for tomorrow afternoon. A new client may need some products to be shot over the weekend. I'm not complaining as I feel that I've been kinda lazy lately, not doing much work for school or anything in general. (However, I've been running consistently every week!)

Now with this mad rush of things to do, I feel more energized and focused to get things done. The intense juggling of activities in my life makes me feel alive and prevents me from wasting time on feeling sorry for myself. Must learn how to relax and take things as they come.

Anyway had a bad telephone conversation this morning when I burst out in frustration to the other person. It was totally unprofessional of me, even if he wasn't a client and him appearing to be an idiot. Never burn your bridges, no matter who you deal with...I still haven't learnt my lessons well!