The Curious Commercial Holiday

After years of morphing, a day to celebrate the birth of the Savior (actually, I think the origins is more convoluted and goes way back to Pagan rites) has turned into one that revolves around money.

Was in town earlier today to get some gifts and it was so jammed up that the minute I stepped into the cool air conditioning, I felt drained. The crowds were thronging around the items on sale and glittery decorations were all over the place. I'm absolutely certain that this holiday purchases contributes to our GDP to an extent.

Gift wrapping corners, masses standing around a rendition of the birth of the One and the odor of sweaty armpits. Not a very pleasant way to spend the weekend, going head to head against the traffic's flow. I wonder how a day set for religious purposes can be transmogrified over the years into one that celebrates the spirit of spending...

Hey, at least the manufacturers are laughing their way to the bank and people receive (hopefully) well thought out gifts. But it's just way too tiring for me!

Christmas Cards

This is the first year I actually prepared and sent out e-cards to clients and contacts...it's really a tiring job but I had fun doing it. It does help to keep you in contact with people whom you would normally not talk to otherwise. I think I may have left out some people in the process but I guess you can't possibly send it to everyone!

Listless

Next year could potentially see me traveling across Asia for school/work-related reasons. I do hope that it becomes possible...I'm feeling kinda numb with things here. Not sure why but everything just feels bland...the migrane doesn't help either. Had absolutely the best results in school for three years and I don't even feel excited about it. Lol. Waiting for some paychecks to arrive and I doubt I would be happy when I see them.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Overworked.

I think I'm suffering from burn out, immune system is down and I just don't feel like doing anymore work. I really need to take a break for now...wish I could be enjoying myself overseas. Frankly speaking, I'm jealous of all my friends who are going/already on holiday somewhere. I guess the only (easiest) option for me is to go up to KL for a few days. The whole family's going up and it's been so many years that we actually traveled together, it just gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Oh man.

I thought I was gonna have a brief break in my life this week, seeing that I have cleared my exams and quite a number of clients' stuff...but I guess things just have a knack of happening.

It seems like I'm working full-time or something, people call me at weird hours to ask for things. There are things to do everyday and stuff just keep popping up! I just want to have some personal time to do some shoots that I've planned and it doesn't seem like it's gonna be happening. And before I know it, the holidays would be over and it'd be full-swing school mode again! Darn! I think not choosing to go traveling this holiday may not be such a good choice...

I think I gotta go do some post-processing of my cousin's wedding photos now. Somehow, I think I like it this way, I'm not really complaining about the amount of work, I'm actually happy that I've got things to do. I got so restless last night when I sort of cleared this big project with an MNC (underpaying me though), it's like I just can't stop to do nothing!

The Funniest Internship Posting Ever

Most companies' internship posting on the school board are dull (and lacking in information and/or renumeration) but occasionally, one or two brilliant ones shine through.

Take this posting for a local company (names disguised for my protection):

JOB INFORMATION
Position Title: Business Plan Lackey
Type of Internship: Local
Department to be posted: We don't have departments; yet.
Working Hours: 5 days per week. Self-determined; as long as work is done

(the funny part)
JOB LOCATION
1. Home.
2. Warehouse in Eunos.
3. Starbucks (I don't care where you work from, as long as you do the work; presumption - you have your own notebook and can work from Starbucks, or am very good with a piece of paper and calculator.)

(the boring part)
JOB DESCRIPTION AND REQUIREMENT
1. Independent operating. Minimal to zero day2day supervision. Self-managing. Ability to determine work plan, timelines, etc and delivery deadlines.

2. Write and execute a pretty business plan to raise capital (pretty in words and deed, not in colors and graphs).

(the funniest part)
TYPE OF CANDIDATE REQUIRED
prior experience with business plans a plus; ability to learn quickly from written information can also compensate for not taking "Entrepreneurial Finance" under (Professor's name withheld).

---

I think a well-written cover letter with some humor thrown in could get you the job. If only I saw this earlier, wouldn't mind a part-time internship to work from home! lol. Looking at it again, I think the joke might be lost on outsiders. But it was still funny. =D

(It just occurred to me that the company probably belongs to a student, the name looks vaguely familiar. What a bummer, working for somebody from school!)

Consolations

Read a few pages of this book on philosophy and it inevitably made me feel better about myself through rationalization.

The table of contents are as follows:

Consolations of Philosophy
by Alain de Botton

Consolation for
I Unpopularity
II Not having enough money
III Frustration
IV Inadequacy
V A Broken Heart
VI Difficulties

Seeing that I fulfil most of the requirements needed for consoling, I will grab this book when I've got enough money the next time I visit the book shop.

busybusy

The last few weeks of school is one of the most horrible period in life ever.

Sleep-deprived and caffeine-powered, everything in the world just revolves around the completion of our projects. I wish things could be easier, like not doing last minute work. I guess with groups, that's quite impossible.

Till then.

I'm Feeling...

empty.

Blood

Finally got down to donating blood today. Been putting it off since the start of the year but I guess better late than never. I found it odd that on the donor declaration form, men who have sex with other men are not allowed to donate blood. Yes, some gays are promiscuous but not all of them. Then what about women who have sex with other women? Is that ok?

It's really quite discriminatory, this misperception that persists in the society. After reading some of the comments left by people on the keep377a website, I feel rather sorry for the kind of marginalization that homosexuals endure. How can sexuality be a choice? Well, it's not really my fight but I'm standing against the "majority".

*************

Anyway, while the rest of Singapore goes wild wreaking havoc in the clubs this weekend for halloween, I'm cooped up at home struggling with a test, client's work and the urge to drown myself in self-pity. It's really quite hard to concentrate when the stress level piles up. All my group projects seem to be hanging by a thin thread too. And it's just gonna get worse after this week. I wish I had the propensity to love life more than I do now, appreciate the people and things around me...It does get rather lonely sometimes.

I need to take a break soon.

Frustrations of Being Broke

Whoring myself now for some petty cash in the wallet because I'm really broke...With my bills mounting and my expenses soaring, I had no choice but to turn back to the bad ol' days of tweaking HTML.

*slaps meself*

There was a reason why I stopped doing it years ago...I simply hate it.

It's not a glitzy glamorous job, there are no rewards or sense of satisfaction after completing it...Maybe I'm approaching it from a very negative perspective but seriously, I just don't like doing it. But what can I say? I need the money and I need it now. And it sure does pay better than working for $8/hr...if you don't count the number of hours I spend working on each project.

And don't get me started on my test next week and the three school projects with deadlines looming overhead.

Multiple Lifetimes (Not of Virtual Worlds)

If we were able to live many lives in one lifetime, here are some lives that I want to lead:

1. Serial entrepreneur: String of companies under my name, unable to stop creating businesses, rich like fuck


2. Celebrity Photographer: Jet-setting life style, hob-nobbing with the celebrities, wild parties, rich, nice car and beach-front property


3. Art Photographer: Well-respected globally, writes occasionally, well-loved by galleries


4. Data Junkie: Supremo master of data analysis, able to process millions of rows of data and make something meaningful out of them


5. Millionaire Website Owner: With share prices that just keep going higher


6. Oil Trader: So that I could scream at people over the phone and cheer when oil hits $150/bbl


7. Writer/House husband: Who says men can't cook? The dough comes in through writing at home


8. Art Director: Making over-budgeted ads to lure stupid consumers into buying something they don't need


9. Traveler/Writer/Photographer: Paid to see the world, an extended holiday that never ends. Sweet.

Basically, school doesn't really prepare me for any of the above, except maybe oil trader but if I was to take that major, I would be restricting myself into a very tight corner. Years ago, my list would have been very different...and I think that it would change when I am going to graduate. I just pray that I would not end up as a faceless employee in a large corporation with grey cubicles and fluorescent lighting!

Not much thinking went into the list, they're just stuff that came off the top of my head. I think it's quite a cool exercise to see what are the major things a person in concerned with. Try doing it yourself and see what comes out of it!

Freedom of Speech

Wow, we moved up to rank 141 on the Worldwide Press Freedom Index. That's quite a big jump but I guess it's because worse things are being in other countries, which makes us look better. According to BBC, repressive Asian states are known to throw bloggers behind bars. I guess for us, there's quite a fair bit of self-censoring before we post anything...however, there were incidents of people posting stuff that got them into trouble with the government or the masses.

I wonder what more freedom of speech would be like. Could I really say anything that I wanted? Wouldn't that lead to lots of stuff floating around, some of which may not be necessarily good? Then the audience would have to be taught how to better filter things through since most of us just take in things without pondering much.

Up, Up and...

Just finished some preparations for my test on Wednesday...I hope to get it over and done with so that I can focus on the projects on hand at the moment.

Did a quick google test and I'm glad that if you google just for my name, i.e. without my surname, my portfolio at the tops of the results. Using a blog to fully utilize pagerank is definitely something a company might want to consider. For example, if I was selling a generic product like pencils, I could perhaps have a blog that 1) highlights my company's product 2) post funny stuff about pens 3) talk about the exquisiteness of the pen/penmanship, so on and so forth.

If done correctly (assuming an audience for your ware), your site would be pushed up the scale and all without paying google for preferred advertisers. Somehow, I feel that preferred advertisers aren't really perceived as the authoritative or best site. But of course, when in a bind, consumers would just click on the first link that appears.

I think I could just spin off a company providing SEO services to local SMEs man. I'm wondering how viable that would be given the limited market size here and the transferable knowledge of such services. What would it take to be top of the game? Maybe the local market is small but I guess for us Singaporeans, we have to look regional, if no global. Our tank's too small for all the fishies around. I've been toying with some ideas of an Internet Marketing/Branding company in my head for the past month or so...I'm just not really sure whether the idea would take off a not, and also if the market is already saturated now. Haha but I guess 'tis good to have all these ideas floating around; I just need one good idea!

Cheapo

I'm quite a cheapskate when it comes to stationary.

I was so impressed today with this pen I found a few weeks ago from one of the seminar rooms in school. The pen is really quite amazing, you could get a pen or a pencil by twisting it clockwise or anti-clockwise. There's an eraser at the top where you twist the cap and it extrudes to a maximum of 3cm. I was in awe at the ingenuity of it all. Lol. The simple things in life!

While fretting about getting myself a new highlighter, I found a highlighter in my dirty old pencil case from junior college. I'm not sure how it got there. I can't remember if I bought it or found it somewhere. I've a feeling that I probably koped it. Haha. Anyway my old pencil case is bursting with lots of unused stationary and a lot of markers that I found abandoned in the school's gsr (general study rooms).

At least my pencil case from Muji was a much appreciated present: meaning I did not steal it from somewhere! (I was passing a old dirty linen bag as a pencil case before it). The Super Mario badge pinned on it was actually taken from my cousin's shop at no charge.

I think I'm probably the cheapest cheapo of stationary that you can find.

Quirky Friday

I've been in a quirky mood since I woke up at the unearthly hour of 7 today. Didn't know why but I showed up at Punggol to follow my juniors around for a photography outing. Climbed into a haunted house and created a spongebob shadow. Otherwise, it was quite a bit of mosquito-feeding and a whole lot of sun-tanning.

Been getting busy lately, which is a good thing I guess. Have to earn enough to pay back some loans, get myself a new laptop and save for some new equipment.

It feels kinda strange without a laptop for jobs...can't do a wham-bam-here's-your-invoice-thank-you-very-much anymore. But I'm weirdly enjoying the peace and quiet, the unstoppable urges to check my 4 email accounts/facebook/twitter/blog-surf are kept at bay. I love it when I go for group meetings and do nothing but talk ("managerial" role). =)

Macaroons. I wonder what the monkey sounding thing taste like. Off for beer with the peeps. Man, gotta lay off the alcohol soon, piling on the pounds like nobody's business.

Online Advertising

Spam. It's like everywhere, email, blog comments, fake blogs, fake web addresses...can't we escape from it?

I'm not sure if anyone is gonna click on the google ads on this page. I'm sure it wouldn't generate revenue at all but I wanted to test it out. It's odd seeing wedding photography services being advertised here. Luckily I'm not really fighting in that market. This brings me to think about blog advertising and its revenue stream. If it's big enough (your blog has high traffic flow), you could possibly get some passive income from it. But if your blog is being used to generate traffic for other parts of your website where you provide a service, the adwords picked up could potentially shrink you bottomline when potential customers are driven else where.

Hmm. Food for thought.

I think I will take a module in school if they offer online advertising or something similar. Haha.

Identity

My thoughts are coming in rather quickly now for some reason and I need to record them down before I forget.

The identity of a person could be appropriated by someone else online and be spread globally. Due to the vastness of the web, one could be anyone. It was weird seeing my name being listed on several well-read blogs for the articles (or rather the photographers I've uncovered) that I have posted. I had this surreal feeling that I was someone else...and someone else was being me.

Last night, while acting as the backup photographer for a friend, I became uncharacteristically flamboyant and overly friendly with the guests. It was weird seeing how I acted from a third-person point of vew. When I got back, I felt kinda guilty about my behavior because the guests thought that I was the main guy while my friend was hiding in the shadows taking (I believe) fantastic photojournalistic shots.

So that brings me back to this surreal feeling of being here, not being here. Even sitting down and typing this, I feel two opposing forces acting in my head, one processing the thoughts and the other looking at it.

Totally weird.

Thought Process(es)

Today during the weekend-long conceptual photography class, we were asked to piece together pictures from magazines to create new meanings to the images by placing them into different context. I made a startling discovery about myself, as well as a brief look at how different people's minds worked.

I realized that I am very interested in the symbolism of things behind images, placing them semiotically. Maybe that's why my works often contain hidden references that may be hard for viewers to ascertain what's really going on.

A friend, T, who was in the same class seemed more preoccupied with the aestheical qualities of images. He was interested in color, shape and texture.

Other classmates' thought processes were also interesting to note as you could see their own experiences come through in their selection of the images. Very Freudian exercise, I would say. It's interesting what people can come up with.

Empty

Somedays, don't you have this empty feeling inside? It's as if everything else doesn't really matter and you're just living because you had to?

Maybe it's the lack of sleep but it's been a really busy week.

Fighting Monks

Okay, reports of the monks being attacked by the military in Myanmar are all over the international news. This may be a prelude to some intense fighting and bloodshed if nothing is done to curb the soldiers.

So it's the men in green vs the men in orange/red. I just hope that the whole situation would be resolved in a peaceful manner. Was thinking about cracking an inappropriate joke about Shaolin monks but I guess it'd be more prudent to say it next time, if things go well.

That Strange Country

Note: This post contains political elements that are purely based on heresay and my own comments.

I have been observing the news in Myanmar for the past few weeks - the peaceful demonstrations by the monks and the subsequent actions taken by the UN and the Burmese junta.

I spoke to a friend from Myanmar in class just now. He told me if I heard anything about his country and obviously I said yes. I thught that the monks were doing something great for the nation. As religious figures in a largely Buddhist-dominant country (and region), the monks are considered untouchable. The government can't do anything against them...until the announcement this morning that they would use force if necessary.

My friend mentioned that it all started with several incidents. 500 monks were allegedly poisoned and 3 abbots were beaten up or something. That led to an outrage across the nation, with 100,000 of them participating in the walking demonstration over the weekend. The house-arrested Aung San Su Kyii could only look at them marching past without a word.

Now, he cannot call back home as communications with the outside world has been cut off. The junta's leader is hiding somewhere in Thailand and a tight apprehensive air hangs over the country. The UN sanctions may cause the junta to behave but the situation is so tense that a slight movement by the monks could get some of them wiped out. The burning monk event in Vietnam 44 years ago comes to mind. Would they resort to shock tactics like that to bring their point across? ASEAN's awfully quiet now. The meeting a few weeks ago pushed for greater democracy in Myanmar but I think it's only bullshit. Seriously, this ASEAN thing is getting kinda draggy.

My interest in Myanmar is due to the fact that I was planning to go up there in December, to explore the country. It's one of the last few places in South-East Asia that I have not visited. But given the current state of things, I think that could become quite impossible. I do not want to risk another incident like what the South Koreans experienced in Afghanistan. I would be responsible for the people whom I'm bringing up with me so I can't risk their lives and mine.

Shrugs. A trivial question remains, where else could we go?

That Sticky Issue

Whenever I talk to people who enquire about my rates, I get the typical responses, "No way! That's too high! We can't afford you!" Then they put in some niceties and I will never see them again (ever).

So I raised my rates this year and well, my volume of sales has gone down (really really down) but I was optimistic about getting some in to cover the lost opportunities. I waited. And I waited. And I waited. 5 months have passed and I have been rejected from quite a number of jobs. Exasperated at that, I was pondering if I was charging too high with nothing to show. But I maintained the stand that I'm worth that rate and I will stand by it (till maybe when I'm really desperate).

While talking to another photographer friend, who shares a mutual friend with me. (Said person could be a potential source of income) She said that our friend asked her about my rates and wondered if it was exorbitantly high. The friend was rather shocked when I told her what I charged a few weeks ago.

Well, my friend's answer was that the real pros charge much more. Even she did (and at a much higher rate). Given the kind of work I produce, I should ask for more, she said.

I'm at the lower end of the market where demand is strong and relatively elastic, supply is high and very elastic too. However, I'm positioning myself towards the higher end of the supply chain where demand is conversely lower. My main aim is not so much about getting the money in but propelling myself towards the next tier (hop over to a new graph) where supply is not so high and I can afford to charge much more.

This market positioning may not be worth it in the short run, where clients are fickle, always flitting towards the lowest cost producers. In a cutthroat environment, nothing else but money (ah! the M word) speaks...quality of work is disregarded, pride is cast aside. And how can a person move up the supply chain if you do not evolve and produce better work? Stress felt during a large project (many dollar signs involved) could actually be beneficial.

For example, if you paid me like $5 to take a picture of a product, I probably would just shoot it with my handphone and MMS it to you. But if you paid me like $5,000, I would probably hire a whole production crew just to make my work stand out. And the clients I meet don't understand this. All they want is an image and for me to scot off.

To add to that, I was talking to H from school, whom I shot earlier in the year. H is a part time model and he was involved in a photoshoot last Friday that I was asked to send a bid to. He wondered why I wasn't shooting it, since the student body involved was the same one that got me to do the last job. They had no budget and the money promised was only sufficient for my taxi rides to school. He complained about how this other person was so unprofessional and didn't know what he was doing, appearing very amateurish. The moral of the story is that you get what you paid for. Granted that this applies to a student body, which doesn't have much money (but they have one of the highest budgets from school), I would still think that it could be extrapolated into the real world.

That said, in order not to appear like some soulless money-grabber, I would gladly do something for less if:
1) a very good friend asks me to
2) it would be fun and new for me
3) I get to do the entire conceptualization to make it uber cool
4) it would be good for my portfolio

Photography should not become just a tool to make money. I still love it and I just hope to be more inspired to do my own thing (with expenses covered, of course).

The ability to combine both economics and marketing in one post is rather amazing, eh? At least I'm learning something from school.

Rejuvenation

I've been suffering from a very dry creative spell for quite some time now. And today seemed like just another day where I dragged my feet to school, hoping that the week will be over soon. Serendipitously, my first class at 12pm ended early. And a good photographer was around the area and we did some catching up. I went for my class at 3:30pm and guess what, we were let off early. My prof felt that it was stupid asking us to create design assignments in class every Monday when people were not learning anything. WIth that, I took some time off to study for my test tomorow and was actually able to attend a talk by visiting photographer Mauricio Alejo, from NYC.

He talked about his life in NY, how he managed to get there from Mexico and how his work got discovered. I really digged the stuff he showed during the talk; all I could find online were lousy web reproductions. Anyway, after seeing his stuff and talking to some people I haven't seen in a while, my spirits were uplifted somehow. I have been thinking recently about choices in life and you know, sometimes practicalities stand in the way of passion, thus causing a shift in a person's priorities.

Due to some spillover effect, I may have an assignment this Friday to break my five-month long dry spell (finally!). I am attending the rest of Mauricio's talk this Wed and his workshop on Friday, to learn more about conceptual photography...and it definitely makes me happier than going to school for classes.

Perhaps after this, I would be able to be reinspired and create some new work. It's been a long time since I did an extended series...save for that short little shoot two weeks ago for my other blog. Alright, guess it's back to the books for me.

Humility

I met this really irritating person on Friday who taught me an important lesson in life. He couldn't stop boasting about his achievements, how he revolutionalized an organization and how his company was doing quite well. He also talked about himself all throughout the conversation. Midway, I regretted asking questions about him, trying to be friendly and all. He just couldn't stop talking...how he could charge his rates because he provided the very best equipment, the very best this and that. Argh.

The worse thing was that we (my friends and I) were so turned off that we wanted him to stop. We talked among ourselves, peeking at each other's screen and avoiding his eye. BUT he still kept going on and on. He could probably win the Duracell award for the Most Irritating Person to Talk to. Even though he made me feel rather jealous about what he has done, it suddenly dawned on me if I had acted like him before. And I'm afraid that I have (though not to such an extreme).

Hey, in a conversation, the other party is important too! Any exchange of knowledge is made better if there was free movement of thoughts, instead of one person dominating the entire conversation. And gee, stop being so arrogant and full of yourself. (Once again, I'm guilty of that.)

Nevertheless, I feel that it is time that I become more humble...the Zen master does not boast about his enlightenment. He merely shows the light to those who come before him. My successes/failures in life serve as stepping stones, to guide me towards greater goals but I shall never publicize my mini-battles as if they were victories in war.

Shooting Star

Whoa. It's the first time I have seen a shooting star from home. I was just typing stuff on the computer when something bright in the sky caught my eye.

Amazing. I hope that my wish comes true! Haha. I love shooting stars for some reasons...they always make me very excited, no matter how many times I have seen them!

Tomatoes

Yesterday in International Economics class, we were discussing about the US/EU agricultural subsidies.

Prof: So if you allow the cheaper goods from developed countries to come into the less developed countries, wouldn't everyone be better off because of trade?

Me: Well...You must consider the effects on the poor farmers who do not have the necessary skills to move on to become industrialized

Prof: Let's say this country can only grow tomatoes but cheaper tomatoes come in from the US, what would you as an advisor say? The farmers only know about growing tomatoes. Now everyone can get cheaper tomatoes, what should you say?

[Prof was getting very excitable at this point because the class was unusually silent]

Me: Make tomato juice.

[Laughter]

Prof: You're serious aren't you?

And yes I was...the poorer country may have a comparative advantage in making tomato juice and could sell it back to the developed country. But of course, this is a purely hypothetical situation, without concern to economical, technological, political factors and most importantly, how were the farmers going to afford the tomatoes and machinery to make tomato juice in the first place?

The Joy of Blogging

Wee! My other blog got plugged today at Conscientious, one of the more influential blog on photography. There's a spike in visitors, almost reaching 800 hits since his post.

I think that is a small success in my decision to blog about photography in Asia. And the stuff I have been digging up...they're really awesome. Writing is hard but I think I will try to write like a few posts on my days off from school and publish them daily. Hope that will lessen the workload. Lol.

I'm a happy geek today. =)

Progress

A guy pissed off with the current Odex vs young kids saga decided to stage his own protest...using toys and tiny placards for a photoshoot.

It seems harmless, right? I mean, what harm could a nerd and his anime compatriots do?

Well, the police activated four anti-riot vehicles to the scene, to supervise the entire going-ons. They even filmed the processed and took down all the participants' particulars.

It scares me to think of how authoritarian Singapore can be.

Four anti-riot vehicles for a small gathering of geeks? What were the police thinking? That the kids could somehow cause a rift in our society with their awesome manga-reading super powers? Is this our so-called progress, where the fabric of our peace and posperity is so fragile that "disturbances" should be contained to such a large extent?

I don't know. It just seem so frickin' ridiculous that it's laughable and sad at the same time.

Portfolio Launch

After three weeks of development, I have finally launched my personal portfolio! Fully made in Actionscript 3, I employed XML to make maintenance easier. It was hard transiting to AS3 from AS1/2 but somehow I managed to get around some tight spots. It's been weeks of sleeping at 5-6am, I think I can finally rest for the next few days.

I've tried to make it user-friendly, functional and fast loading. Did away with the flashier stuff. Please do send me comments on things that I could improve upon. There is still work to be done, so I can't rest yet.

While it's Flash only at this point, I am hoping to develop a html/php version sometime soon. It's difficult doing everything yourself but I'm too broke to hire someone else to do it.

p.s. help me spread the news!

Senses: Update

The series I submitted for ACF's freshmen booklet became the entire book's theme. They printed 2,000 copies, distributed to the incoming freshmen and some sponsors. It's cool to see something that I did circulated everywhere in school! Plus, I got one of the biggest credit at the back. Totally awesome! Free marketing.

I went through a few goodie bags on Friday before I found a copy to keep...I didn't like the printing however. The inks look kinda smudged. Possibly a paper problem. The front cover and the dividers contain my images, and every page has a (alpha = 20%, I forgot the English equivalent) image as the background. There were other works submitted by people in school, some paintings, poems and photos. Wish I can hold of another copy so I can give it away or something. Haha.

Not bad for something that I came up with within a day and without a budget!

Busy!

For the past two weeks, I have been quietly working on my online portfolio and starting another blog related to photography (no prizes for guessing the mystery domain name!). This would allow me to separate my private blog and things related to work, meaning I would just rant here more often. Lol. However, things related to work have to be kept offline, lest some potential clients dig up old stuff in the future. And I have been monitoring my pagerank on google...looks like I will be up there pretty soon. Thanking my parents for my unique name. Ha.

I haven't been shooting much, wanting to finish my site extremely badly. I've been reading some stuff but I have a feeling school work is gonna creep up to me before I know it.

Somehow, I wish I was a more critical about the things I consume, e.g. read, see, experience. And more articulate at translating my thoughts. I think I shoot myself too often in the foot when I pause mid-sentence, searching for the right word and saying something completely different the next second. I may read something, process it internally and then it passes on, somewhere in my system. I do not look at it from another angle, questioning it or criticising it. It all becomes internalized without much thought. Not so good if I wanted to partake in an intellectual conversation with someone, I will end up agreeing to whatever he/she said!

Oh well. Anyway, after the site is done, I will probably start on a new series! It's been on the backburner for several months now, I wonder what has been cooking there. Tomorrow I will be having visual design class again. Somehow, it feels funny to be doing a course to learn something that's already part of me.

First Day of Senior Year

Today, I went from Art History (self-imposed reading material) to Data Warehousing to Visual Design (an ad copy in 3hrs, from concept to execution...fastest I have worked on something before!) and I'm happy like a lark. Finally, after two years of completing boring required basic courses, I have finally embarked on the last few terms where I can study anything that would help us complete our education.

It's fun fun fun all the way this term, I hope. Especially when I'm doing subjects that I actually enjoy thinking. Although there would still be a lack of intellectual discourse (on the terms that I wish I was challenged on) but I think it's better than studying just for the sake of studying. =)

Here's to a good term!

881

Royston Tan's latest flick, 881, raised a few laughs and brought about some tears.

Today, I watched 881 at the theatres with my mother. I was still in primary school when we last went to the movies together. I was glad that we went together, as it has been a long while since my mother left her worries at the door. She did seem really happy for the rest of the day.

The movie/musical is about a pair of ill-fated getai singers, the Papaya Sisters (hence the title) and their struggles to survive in the getai world. Qi Yu Wu, stars as their mute chaffeur, who plays too much with his cockrel (the subtitles were funny the first few times). Veteran getai singer Liu Ling Ling acted in a dual role - the pompous getai goddess and the seamstress who looks after the sisters. May and Choy [plus funny ang moh Chinese and Hokkien] plays the Durian Sisters, the villians of the show.

The story's nothing fantastic, just your typical Chinese melodrama. Much of the show was in Hokkien, which I believe 3/4 of the audience today speak as their first language. My mother really enjoyed the Hokkien songs throughout the show. It's a show that truly speaks to the typical Singaporean heartlander. I found myself enjoying the show from the first few minutes when Liu Ling Ling and other getai singers went into a tirade about "techno" and dirty old men. May and Choy's characters and their Madonna-inspired bras kinda irritated me though. The ending was kinda touching, most of the aunties who came out of the cinema had red eyes [even my mom, and she's one tough lady].

The million-dollar backing for the film resulted in some fantastically corny looking costumes (I dug the Thai/Japanese ones), some CGI (floating bubbles and special fairy powers) and other additions (better props/casting/sets) often lacking in local films. Some of the scenes had weird camera angles and cinematography, I was wondering why they kept cutting off people's heads (my clients have screwed me up over this). Some scenes reminded me of 15, where the sisters were hugging each other being all so emotional and the Hokkien raps and whistles in several scenes. The Hokkien songs were awesome though. A closet beng, I was singing some of them after the show. =)

Somehow, I think that Royston Tan did well this time round (perhaps a commercial success). The timing of the show is perfect, many aunties and uncles would be watching it. While the show's not as arty-farty (aren't we being all elitist here?) as 15 or 4:30, it manages to connect down to the common folk. It made me think about our local culture...no matter how crass it is, it is still uniquely ours. And I was complaining about the lack of a Singaporean culture recently! Maybe I should work on something that even my mom could identify with, hopefully steering clear of local fruits.

puay puay yo ah yo ah yo~!!

Counting the Years

I realized last night that it has been 6 years since I had this blog address and almost 8 years of online publishing. Back in the early days of the internet, before the dot com boom/bust, I was using plain ol' ftp and html to update my web pages. Today, I decided to remove my old blogger template and received a big shock. The xhtml tags that blogger uses is so confusing, it took me about an hour plus to add stuff that I wanted to see. It's quite something how technology changes and it's hard trying to keep up.

What's surprising is how many of my friends have since removed their blogs, e.g. changed addresses (without telling me) or just deleting them. I must have pretty good stamina then!

I've been spending the past few days working on my portfolio site...and trying my hand at flash's actionscript 3. Oh man, that's another headache in itself. Back in the old days (oh man, I'm archaic at this day and age), flash was easy for designers because its scripting language was functional and easily understood. Now, I can't even get a proper animation going about without coding in extra lines of code. Almost looks like C++. *rubs temples* Maybe I will just work on html & css alone. Ehrm, I don't wanna start talking about how hard it would be to code a simple css/xhtml page now.

And then I wonder...why the heck do I need a flash portfolio for anyway? Someone wake me up, please!

However, I am still excited about setting up the site plus an additional blog focusing on photography (details to be released). I have an entire rebranding effort going but it's hard when I'm just a jack of all trades.

* * *

The exhibition opening last week went well, despite having to be host, emcee and guide at the same time. Quite a few old friends dropped by (I do have friends!). However, I'm so sick of looking at that set of images. Haven't got back the shooting groove, so I will enjoy being the pseudo techie that I am.

In/Extrospective

SH06 Reunion Show Mailer

Date: 3rd Aug - 27th Aug 2007
Time: 10am - 9pm daily

Venue:
The Photo Gallery, The Arts House
1 Old Parliament Lane

Memories Strung Into Words

[And random thoughts...]

27 days of traveling...meeting new people, seeing new things and eating new food. I remember the light being exceptional (when it wasn't raining).

There were Amazing Race moments when we were running in train stations, rushing for the connection, which was leaving in a minute. And the little episode in a small Hungarian train station at night where an announcement was made that our train had changed platform (naturally it sounded absolutely foreign to me). Had it not been a local couple there, we would have waited dumbly and left stranded.

I never felt the kindness of strangers before this trip. There were so many times when perfect strangers opened up and helped us. If it wasn't for them, the trip would have been less eventful. The Polish family that brought us along on their hiking trip was really nice (gonna send them a cd of pictures). The countless people who pointed us in the right direction (having a stupefied and lost face bridges all languages).

The sights were beautiful but I think the experience of being somewhere else beats the former. Though the trip was too short for any form of immersion, we manage to find our more about other people leaving on our planet. Today, on the train ride home, I looked at my fellow passengers and pondered, would they ever trade what they have now for a life halfway round the globe?

I have also began placing our little nation into perspective; our culture, our identity and what it means to be a Singaporean. Many were clueless about our geographical location (we're not in China, and my little printout helped a lot), yet in they often mentioned about us being a beautiful country. They are surprised to find out that we speak English as the first language, have no seasons and no mountains/lakes/hills. I guess when you live in beauty, you naturally assume that the entire world is similar. What then makes us Singaporean? Kiasuism? Singlish? How did we, as a nation of immigrants, build such an dareisayit artificial landscape, upon the ideals of social democracy, equality and wealth? What then runs beneath it all? The vital artery that bonds us together as a nation?

I don't know how long these thoughts will persist before my generation's famed apathy takes over...but it's some good food for thought.

Home

Back from traversing foreign lands in the West, encompassing Czech, Slovak, Austria, Hungary and Romania. True be told, nothing beats having clean sheets at home and having no worries about finding food and accomodation. Nevertheless, it was an adventure worth a lifetime; sitting at strange train stations, staying in an old communist aparment (with an eccentric owner), hiking on the High Tatras with a Polish family and drinking lots of beer.

Phew. Too much to write about and not enough pictures to show. Maybe next time!

Sharing/Nostalgia

Last night, I met a cool bunch of photography majors from the school at the other end of Singapore. And it was refreshing to have peers to talk about art/photography and all the other issues that bug us. We talked about the function of art, art in utopia (or rather its non-existence), the thin line between art and commerce, concepts and techincalities.

While they lamented about the art history test they had to do, I was totally excited at the idea of art history because I have been trying to find some decent reading materials on that vast topic. I shared my viewpoints as a struggling business student/photographer; my own revelations between commerce and art...and it was totally awesome!

In school, most of my topics with my peers revolve around internships, tests, results, more tests and ultimately, where we're gonna eat. And it's refreshing to finally be able to talk about the topics close to my heart, with people who are probably going through what I experience myself.

* * *

Visited my alma mater yesterday afternoon to meet up with my old teacher. Although the school has relocated, it was interesting to actually see images of the past flash across my mind- how I spent my (angsty) formative years. Time flies. Faces in photographs on the walls, friends, acquaintances, seniors and a blurry picture of me(?). It felt good to return, albeit a very late homecoming.

We do not return to you mother,
for we did not really left.
-Edwin Thumboo

Senses

Senses #3

Was asked by the Arts and Cultural Fraternity to contribute something related to the five senses for a publication. Wanted to avoid the usual abstract shots of body parts and was lazy to get out of the house. =P

View the whole series on flickr. Wish I had enough spare cash for a pro account so I can compartmentalize pictures on flickr.

Breaking Through (The Roof) Or Why It's Depressing to Be Stagnant

My personal work has been stagnanting for the past one year. Everything else looks more or less similar, I haven't gained new insight despite all the reading and observing that I do. And it's kinda depressing to know that I haven't really progressed much in such a long time.

Makes one feel like giving up.

But I guess that with anything (Fibonnaci numbers!), there are always the support and resistance levels (and their sub-levels). Right now, I'm just hovering between the two lines, which doesn't make me a very favorable stock huh. Once in a while, I manage to go past the resistance level but it's quickly brought back down by market forces, which becomes frustrating because I want a new support level to be formed instead!

Anyway, gonna be traveling in about 3 weeks' time. I do hope that I uncover another side of me during the trip and not end up feeling frustrated and everything. I should just go, see, observe, photograph and think less. Maybe my brain needs a little break from all that pondering on my work.

You never know when creatvity might strike you,

[Geekspeak: Currently working on my own personal portfolio and handling the web design of a local photo outreach program. Details soon. It feels like coming home working on web design...though the field has changed a lot since the last time I touched on the topic. Learning how to utilize Flash, PHP and MySQL + XML together, which sounds exciting. Will be embarkign on the personal project soon! Then I will change the design of this blog, among other things. Web design is really tedious...]

WIP: Night (Out take)

WIP: Night (Out take)

Out take from my on-going series on night. It just didn't fit in with the rest of the series but I really like it a lot.

Edit: Manage to keep it in the series through some rearrangement of the sequence flow.

Pensiveness

Watched a TCM program on CNA and it said that thinking too much is bad for the spleen. I wonder how's mine doing. hmm.

Spent the past week in KL, sick for the first few days and incredibly bored the rest. Went around KL working on a short series of street photography...wishing I had a rangefinder with me. Nevertheless, having my digital workhorse ain't so bad, except that I was just too damn intrusive all the time.

Been thinking of my life...of the past and of the future. The trees are flowering in the area and when night comes, the breeze brings with it a nostalgic whiff that inevitably makes me feel incredibly down. I wonder what I am doing now is right for me. Yet, I can't help thinking that I'm making more mistakes along the way...going down a path that's just not retraceable. It's easy to say that I will live my life with no regrets and do what I wanna do. But what if I am wrong?

At least I'm not being entirely self destructive now (maturity, I suspect). Yet, there's a fear growing inside. 19 more months and I'm out of school with only a lousy paper. Being deskbound with a steady income suddenly doesn't sound so bad, especially with the family's bad finances. Just to cut costs, I've already planned not to go on a term overseas. How else am I gonna be raking in 15k by then?

There's a reason why get-rich (now!) schemes work. People like me. Desperate to change our situations. Only to discover that perhaps it was wrong the whole time. I don't want to become a money slave...yet without money, how would I live the life that I want? I'm not even talking about condos, cars and toys or dinners at fancy restaurants and drinks at the coolest joints in town. It's about the other more pressing issues: mortagage, loans and basic survival. If growing up means facing these "real-life" issues, I wish I could go back in time and tell the five-year-old me that doodling on scraps of paper was much easier.

What then happens to my dreams? Are they even feasible or even something I should even dream about? I wonder how far I would go in photography...lately, I'm tired of looking at my work. I sense neither heart nor soul. Or do I just need someone to tell me that I'm good to feel better? This insecurity...it's killing me. I was thinking, maybe I need more life experiences before I can do great work, my life's been too kind (in a way). I didn't grow up in an abusive environment, I went to good schools (the best even), I have tried several lines of work (enough to know what I don't want to do), I have traveled to many places (and more to come in 5 weeks' time), I eat well (growing fat now), have supportive parents (although sometimes they do give me conflicting views).

At the end of that long ramble, I figured that it's either do or die; 2 choices left:
1. Finish degree, find a job and stop being a dreamer.
2. Finish degree, find a job, earn enough to finance my dream and fly off.

I'm beginning to think that the level I am at now would not suffice for a full-time career when I graduate.

One's the safe, well-trodden route. The other is more like a safer route. So why the apprehension, you ask. Well, when one gets too comfortable in the comfort zone...extraction will be painful and then things might just go back to choice 1.

Sigh. Life. Choices.

Thanks for reading my rant. Makes me feel slightly better, even with the sick smell of rotting flowers in the air.

The Phone Call

Your voice from miles across the oceans, crisp like you're just in a room next door.

It feels like a lifetime away.

I've been thinking and I wonder, how' my spleen's doing.

Not too good I think. And I don't even know what it does.

KL: Chinese Restaurant, Kepong

KL: Chinese Restaurant, Kepong

Part of the series mentioned below.

The chinese restaurants in Malaysia brings back many memories of my childhood; the car trips up for relatives' wedding dinners and all the strangers around who were related to me somehow.

If I were doing what the little boy was doing back then, I would have been smacked really hard in the face. Go figure.

KL: Pudu Bus Station

KL: Pudu Bus Station

Just back from a week in KL. This image is part of a visual poem on Kuala Lumpur, consisting of pictures taken on my frequent trips up.

The series consists of images that evoke certain memories of the city. KL is like a second home city for me, familiar yet strange at the same time.

flickr post

Old Woman

// trying out flickr and blogger implementation, looks cool to me.

Was having breakfast with my parents last Sunday when a beam of light shone on this old woman across my table. She had the saddest eyes. (On 100%, you can actually see tears, which I think is caused by cataracts)

I think I am gonna start a new series of portraits of strangers.

Two

Am so screwed for tomorrow's paper. Organizational behavior is so not my thing. Two more days till the gates of pandemonium are opened. Can't hardly wait.

Seems like I will be quite busy over the next few weeks. Go figure. (I thought I would be having a hiatus of sort but I guess life's like that!)

Gotta sort out some pictures for my portfolio. Haha. Finally!!!

Think.

I can't wait to get out of Singapore.

I am wondering if my future group mates would be angry with me if I disappeared during week 8 next term.

Or for the matter, if my professors would mind if I disappear during week 14 (study break).

Some festivals/workshops that I am interested in will be held during those times and if (and only if) I get a chance to participate, I will drop everything like a hot potato and borrow some cash to fly myself up.

Currently, academia doesn't seem exciting anymore.

(I am also dreaming of the "holidays" travel magazines will pay for once I get off my procrasinating ass and submit some stuff to them. Nahhh..I will do it next week or the week after or...)

Planning a Covet Mission

I am coveting...

1. More jobs to pay my bills, go for trip and buy new toys acquire more assets
2. A new camera to replace my ailing (but faithful) work horse
3. A good digital compact (for the trip and my sanity from scanning film); more specifically a Ricoh GRD *lol*
4. Summer holidays (Sweet...)
5. Photobooks by:
• Daido Moriyama
• Alec Soth
• Antonin Kratochvil
• Trent Parke
• Alex Webb

Too bad Christmas and birthday are long gone. Damn.

Things I need to do in the next few weeks:

1. Send some stuff for printing
2. Shoot more stuff to complete series for exhibition in July (Yeah!!!)
3. Earn some cash (I am almost halfway to my goal...)
4. Finally start on doing some marketing for myself (e.g. website, brochure, self-promotional crap)
5. Change my ISP (which means the pictures on this blog will be gone and I'll be changing to a generic skin. I will probably start a work-related blog on the new website)
6. Run...run...run...for ICT *scoffs*
7. Relax. And bask in my newly rediscovered focus in life.
8. Meet up with friends
9. Visit Malaysia (Truly Asia) to document a project I have in mind and visit more friends/relatives
10. Most importantly, PLAN for my Eastern European Escapade (but I have an inkling plans will always change when we're there)

Sounds like quite a handful of things to do in 2 months. I think a proper part time job ain't gonna be very helpful.

p.s. I think my plans may sound very shocking to many of my peers in school who are probably gonna start on their first internship this summer. Haha.

Impending...

Okay, got meself a spanking new imac for editing my pictures. Things look terrific on the 20" monitor. But I must must must work so damn hard just to repay the loans I have taken for the new equipment purchases this year. Argh. Not to forget saving up for my trip later in June.

Exams are due next and I have been editing two shoots I have done in the week. Pretty happy that I got jobs out of the blue though. Covered Shiryln's new album launch at Wala Wala and did a interior shoot for a client's brochure.

During the interior shoot, I was kinda perplexed at this gigantic dust appearing on every image for the first half hour before I realized that a piece of my hair had lodged itself between the mirror and the sensor. It was a nightmare to touch up the pictures but I'm glad I pulled it off.

Hoping to get more jobs after the exams. Building up good client relationships does take some effort. Although the natue of work now is generic, I am happy to be trying out almost different things during each shoot. Must try and work in crazier stuff the next time I do an event.

ISO 3200 is simply...grainy! Interior shoot was kinda boring and had trouble trying to align the perspectives and getting the color temperature correct. Not to mention all the dust that started appearing at f/22. I need to seriously clean my sensor soon.

Time to get the invoices out and the cheques into my bank account.

Btw, the New Paper/Canon Young Photographer of the Year competition is on. Didn't get into the finals because I was so worried about the copyright issues that I submitted some second-rate (ok..third-rate) photos. I just don't like the fact that my pictures will be copyright of the paper when published. There goes the chance to fight for the new camera and lens. (Need more jobs to upgrade my ailing set. lol)

Out of Focus

It's been crazy, the last few months. I was rushing around like a headless chicken, with no clear aim in sight. Last term, though busy, I was tightly organized and things went smoothly like clockwork (save for some hiccups). This term, I missed lessons, suffered from insomnia and lost myself in the process.

Last week was the final break when I misplaced my beloved laptop. Less than 1.5 years in service, it worked out to a $200/month amortization rate. With it, I lost all my data (backed some up) and lots of important stuff. I still haven't gotten over it...the financial loss cannot amount to the emotional and practical reliance that I had built around it.

Realizing my folly, I am trying to get my life back into shape now. I have sort of decided to stop the series that I am working on, temporarily. My hubris and desire for instant success had robbed me blind of my goals in photography. From passion to a dark yearning for riches, I lost myself in the pursuit. Maybe now that I know this, I shall attempt to undo my wrongs. Exhibition work is due in May and perhaps I will continue the series I left hanging months ago.

When I have reconciled myself with the artistic side, I will then attempt to carry on the project I was working on. Trying to combine new technical skills (studio strobes) with a half-baked story resulted in pictures that looked good but lacked soul. Much a reflection of the person I have become...soulless.

Exams are round the corner and hopefully once I clear them, I find myself a simple part time job (need the cash for Eastern Europe) and continue on the true journey of photography.

It had to take an expensive loss to realize how much more I had lost in life - all because I was impatient and decided to run before learning to walk.

The Insomnia Anti-Hero

That's gonna be the title of a blog redesign due since last year.

And I still need to get my online portfolio going but I just feel that I haven't gotten any set of worthy pictures yet.

4 more weeks of endurance to go! Oh glorious summer holiday! I wonder what I will be doing then? Maybe get a rather well-paying part time job to provide for my trip or if lady luck shines on me, have a few full day shoots (make more than working at a desk).

Right now, I'm resorting to running at midnight to get my exercise plan going and hopefully let me sleep. =|

It's Been...

...a while since I roamed the streets at night with my tripod, cable release and my camera bag.

...sitting in my hard drive waiting for other companions to arrive. [Night series]

...a few days since I had a proper night's sleep.

...10 painful weeks in school and 5 more to go.

...one year since SH06 and I'm gonna be a TA this time round (regardless of school).

... 5 months in the making and only one photo to show (which I think could have been better). [Exhibition Series]

...boring and insipid; I need to rediscover my work.

Insomnia. Again and again.

I don't know what's wrong but I can't get to sleep.

It's not like I had stimulants late in the day or something.

Something's not right.

Quiver.

Insomnia Again

Sleep disruption.

Insomnia again.

I feel like a cup of chrysanthemum tea. Odd.

Long day ahead - school to attend, client to visit, talk to organize, dinner with friends.

It gets extremely frustrating to be lying in bed for 2.5 hours and suffering from an immense headache.

Time to "wake up" and head to school soon.

Cuts and Blood

Last week I jammed my left ring finger in between a sliding door during assisting and I bled.

Today, while taking my light stand out from its cover, I cut my hand on the plastic and I bled again.

While swinging my bag across my left shoulder, the strap cut into the back of my head. I couldn't see if I bled.

* * *

Before I woke up today, I dreamt of a murder in a back alley. My shoes were leaving bloody footprints everywhere. Instinctively, I ran, as if the one responsible for the deed was back to finish the job. I saw a headless torso spurting blood from what used to be the neck. I saw an arm flailing from a door, desperately grasping for help.

I didn't scream.

* * *

(rant)

I'm sick of school. I'm sick of projects. At least I had fun doing the shoot this morning, even though I had to miss a class because of it.

One day, I want to be able to photography like how Murakami writes.

Had a min-reunion of classmates from primary school.

Everybody's changed.

Searchin'

We go through life searching for something.

Love, riches, fame, peace, family.

I too am on a search, except that I am looking for myself.

But how would I find myself if I am facing the same four walls everyday, worrying about mundane things?

uh:

Most definitely sick of school. Haven't been keeping in check with deadlines and projects.

This term sucks.

Need to get out of the country soon.

Need to take some pictures soon.

Need to clean my room.

Need to get out of school now.

Wall

I find myself putting bricks on a wall around my emotional core, to prevent the outside world from screwing with my brain.

Frantically, I hurry to cover up the hole.

It's not like I'm clinically depressed about something but there are times when I read, see photographs, watch a film or listen to a piece of sad music that I find myself being dragged into somebody else's emotional battles. Then again, I recognize that it is only with this internal struggle that I create my best work, simply because I have something to express.

And then I see my peers forced into a myopic world of chasing money and careers. I wonder, do I have the courage to break away from that soulless race and open myself up more to the world. Slowly I find myself losing me. I hardly think critically, hardly get depressed over philosophical issues (I worry about financial stuff now) and all I want to do is to get all these mundane stuff completed.

I think I need some time alone soon, to rediscover myself. To say hello to the meanie deep down. I know he miss screwing around with me.

On Journalism/Self-Gratification

I have been calling people incessantly the past 2 weeks arranging interviews for my upcoming project. It makes me feel a little self-conscious each time I call because I feel like a pest (insurance agent). Most of the time, they are nice and make time for me but inevitably I feel like I'm imposing myself a little too hard.

How do journalists do it? To be so thick-skinned and get what they want out of the interviewees. We come from the same level of wanting something out of them but what do we give back in return? A report in the newspaper/inclusion in an exhibition (that's not even fixed yet). It feels more of me being trying to gratify an inner need. By working on my story, I am intruding upon someone's private space and thoughts. It's not even like they have a heart-breaking story that needs to be told to the world, I'm just trying to force them into a particular vision of my ultimate aim onto them - therein lies the difference between my goal and journalism.

However, I could argue on my behalf that by spending time talking to them before the shoot (hopefully starting next week!), I do not just see my interviewees as mere subjects at my disposal. It's more than my own indulgence that I am working on but an effort to understand, on a deeper level, who these people are. Everyone knows how good it feels to pour your heart out to a complete stranger (lol). Somehow, the conversations tend to move away from the subject matter at hand and traverse topics close to their heart. I have heard some bits of their life stories, from drugs to gangsterism to children and role models.

I have yet to begin work proper and yet I feel that something is lacking still. Perhaps I need to reach deeper and get more out of them? Perhaps it is always harder to convince somebody else without something tangible to show. Hopefully once I get some work out, I won't feel so bad anymore and that they'll like the result. Moreover, it would be easier to convince more people for the project. Till then!

[This is the 800th post. Dig that! I think I have enough material to publish a narcissistic monologue.]

Motivation, Influences

Why do I photograph?

Many times, I question my own motivation, only to reveal an empty answer. Before I make a generalization on the kind of photographers out there, I have to take a look within myself and find an answer that doesn't sound too pretentious.

It's hard to say what propels me to pick up the camera, perhaps it's the undeniable force of self-expression that bubbles beneath the surface. I can't draw very well (save for Hypomello!), and I find it hard to articulate my thoughts well on paper or speech (mostly ending up with long rambling sentences like this that doesn't make sense). Money is a good motivator when I am doing things I don't like. Being well-known for my photography is another motivator that drives me forward.

Yet there are times when I quietly create a story, crafting out an imaginary story into pixels/halides, hunting for the right elements in the real world. It doesn't necessarily contain an emotion that I want to convey, I just want to get it out of my system. There are also times when I just photograph because I thought that particular moment/subject looked cool and interesting. However, when going through some of those pictures, I cannot but stop and remember what happened then. I create scenes that are sometimes quirky, sometimes dark, sometimes insightful but mostly pointless - very much like the person that I am.

I have not come to terms on why I continue to create. The other day, somebody mentioned that to be a good photographer, you would need inner substance and depth. Do I have that? *Shrugs* Sometimes I wonder what goes through the heads of the photographers that I truly admire, do they create to say something, to document, to excite or for themselves?

My major influences are photojournalists/documenters like Bresson, Doisneau, Diane Arbus, Sebastio Salgado, Alec Soth, Daido Moriyama, James Nachtwey, Antonin Kratochvil, Constantine Manos, and countless more. I like works by Andreas Gursky, Stephen Shore, Dan Holdsworth and Todd Hido for reasons beyond my comprehension. I admire also works by Jeanloup Sieff, Helmut Newton, Arnold Newman, Greg Gorman and other beauty/commercial/advertising photographers. Not to mention my mentors/seniors/friends in Singapore (and Malaysia) who continue to wow and influence me with their dedication and love of the medium.

My further development rests on what I choose to further expose myself to. I am looking forward to reading and finding out more about other forms of art and reading all the novels piled up on my shelf. Yet, inexplicably, I find a need/desire to combine all the above into a single powerful vision, to change the world (ha!) or to make myself a complete human being.

Ten Years On

This month marks a decade of photography in my life. My father bought me my first SLR (I still use it) ten years ago when I first entered secondary school and signed up for the photography club. Somehow, an innate yearning drew me towards it, almost unbelievable thinking about it now.

The first few years were foundation years, learning all about shutter speed and aperture. Before the advent of Photoshop and digital photography, I spent hours in the darkroom developing my own black-and-white film. Alas, none have survived. (Was intending to bore anyone interested in my "history" but decided to remove the long banter).

Through the years I have grown tremendously in this field, especially in the past year. No longer a part-time hobby, it has become a mainstay in my life, everything that I am revolves around it now. Books, thoughts, websites, friends, free time, nothing is spared.

Funny how things just happen in life...last year this time, I was unsure of my photography, having just bought a new digital SLR with my army pay (still broke...) and shooting random stuff. Then I got into Shooting Home, got myself exposed to radiation and started knowing many people in the field.

One year later, I have exhibited in a group show, won a merit prize in a local competition, organized a talk for young photographers, curated 2 shows in school, ran my school's club, shot several weddings, did work for clients and made many many friends, acquaintances and mentors.

This year promises to be bigger, with the Month of Photography in July, another group show in July and more traveling before that (after the stupid call-up). I hope to launch a site this year, hopefully with new work to show, marking 10 years of photography. Hopefully, I can overcome procrasination and get things rolling.

For now, I am starting work on a new series, which will probably last till May/June, while trying to gather more works for the older series (pl.). Maybe I will get some time to tie everything up in June before I go for ICT and flying off to Eastern Europe. With all these excitment in my life, no wonder school seems so passe and boring!

Damnit!

I have a test tomorrow in school, on a Sunday no less. Wtf.

Received an sms and an email to inform me of a call up in June. Wtf. Right smack in the middle of my intended trip to Eastern Europe. Wtf. Lucky thing is that I have yet to book my tickets. Argh.

Have a few deadlines in the coming week and I've been procrasinating (or rather trying to study for my test and the previous one on Thursday).

Being a student sucks. Being a soldier sucks. Damnit.

The World Moves On

Today the Lions won the Asean football championship. Yesterday, one of my men from army passed away. It's the third one since we left.

And the world moves on. The fragility of life.

Tears and smiles, sweat and blood.

I wonder, what's the purpose of life if we just end up sitting at a desk trading bonds, buying securities or marketing somebody else's products (or worse, staring down a microscope).

The experience of life is exhilarating. Death, an inescapable void.

Do you want to end up growing fat and stuck in a HDB flat? A simple life, all basic needs met - shelter (HDB), food (weekend seafood), sex (boring but safe) and continuance (kids). Or rich beyond your wildest dreams, all needs met - shelter (houses, apartments, uncountable), food (5-star quality only, no coffeeshop), sex (sans wife, probably mistresses (who do it for the $)), and continuance (kids who hate you).

Maybe I left out religion but I guess it's always there when you need it.

Somehow, I think life should be more than just these aspects. But how many of us can say, "Fuck it. I'm going the other direction. I'm living life."?

Clear Skies

It's been weeks since I have seen stars in the night sky. The rains seem to have abated for now. Yet, we cannot guess what lies ahead, the next few days: would there be more rain or would the sun continue to shine?

Life is fraught with uncertainty. As I grow older, I feel more lost. Perhaps it is the overwhelming sense of responsibility or "grown-up-hood" that accompanies me as I age. What has happened to the dreams and hopes of the past? I remember the seemingly painful days of adolescence, when I was assailed by my own sense of insecurity and felt lost amongst my peers. How many share the same experience? People you meet day-to-day, how much do you know of them? Maybe they share the same fears as you do.

Looking at old photos from a year and a half back, before I began this university education, how certain was I that things would become the way there are today? How certain were you before you of reaching where you are now. Pictures capture smiling faces but was I happier then? Perhaps not, for a dark shadow lingers within.

How much of this pain within is real? How much of the happiness is real? There is no reason to remain down, for I won't be able to fight the battle lying on the ground. Life's a struggle but never give up. Death is nothing but an oblivion, even then I have doubts that the pain will end.

Hiccups!

*rant ahead*

The New Year hasn't been very kind to me so far. Grew one year older on Friday but I had a shoot in the morning. A lady stole my cab after she asked if I was waiting for one then the rain grew heavier, drenching my equipment and me. Felt totally hapless at that point and I really wanted to call off the shoot.

At least the job was an easy one. Discussed new possible jobs in the near future (and even a big one that may or may not come into fruition).

My poor powerbook has been acting up on me so I had to reinstall everything. Misplaced my OS X installer disc 2, so I thought I could use another friend's installer. Apparently a newer version gave my mac a kernel panic. Managed to borrow one and I have spent the past 3 hours just downloading stuff and running software updates. Sigh.

The coming week looks like it's gonna be really packed. I have quite a fair bit of backlog to clear and a mountain load of email to read. I've become so dependent on my computer that I felt totally lost at what to do without it.

At least I have a new client now. =) Let's hope the customer relationship lasts longer and mutually beneficial for both of us. Somehow, I find myself unable to retain a viably good cr.

Nostalgia

Woke up from a dream of my old place, which brought back many memories. In the dream, I was walking down the corridor at night, something I had feared when I was a little boy. There was always something waiting to scare me at each turn.

Lying in bed, memories came rushing back. I remembered the girl who used to live downstairs and how socially inadequate I was back then. There was an embarrassing situation once when she asked me at point-blank why I was avoiding her. Haha, it was just that I was terribly shy and did not want to be stuck in the lift together. I have forgotten how she looks like and her name. But it must have been the first crush I had in my life. =P I still kick myself now, thinking how I should have picked up the courage and spoke to her. Haha, teenage!

It's been 6 years since my family moved away. Just a few nights ago, while out with my secondary school gang, we passed by my old place. My friends still live in the same area but I have, sadly, moved so far away that I have drifted apart. Still, it was nice to see the places where I grew up, especially my primary school. Maybe next time I will move back there. The roots have grown too deep, the emotional ties undeliable.

Last Meal