Currently in denial mood.
I hate school, I hate bureaucracy.
But I still love myself. I just wish I was brave enough to say, to hell to all this, and fly myself up to New York and study there.
Needless to say, a dumb plan that is almost like throwing my future away.
Did I mention, I hate myself for being a gutless, kiasu Singaporean?
Wednesday, August 30
Monday, August 28
Brained.
So I thought it would be good to stay at home today. Given the amount of activities in my life, you would think that such a respite is a luxury.
About 2 hours ago, I felt extremely flustered and bored. I did some readings for class but I don't really feel much for them.
Right.
I think I am going to struggle in class for the next few years, this feeling of ambivalence pervading everything in my school life.
I never did like school and I thought it would all change. I'm so wrong.
About 2 hours ago, I felt extremely flustered and bored. I did some readings for class but I don't really feel much for them.
Right.
I think I am going to struggle in class for the next few years, this feeling of ambivalence pervading everything in my school life.
I never did like school and I thought it would all change. I'm so wrong.
Friday, August 25
Wonderin'
Nay. Once again insomnia strikes. And I gotta rise early later to prepare for CCA day where we will try to entice people to join the club. Currently, it feels more like a one-man show, my show but I am hoping good things will come out of it.
And I'm left wonderin' in the night, after reading someone's blog on his life in the army and his inability to do what he wants. It felt so much like what I went through in the army, the total feeling of helplessness. And it all came to pass. Now, I am wondering if I can even pass my IPPT (not to mention, to reinstate my gold status).
A friend asked, where do I see myself in the future?
I don't know but I am working very hard for what I believe in. I am dead serious this time round. The gf says she doesn't think that this is a phase, like all the other phases I went through (graphic design, database consultant, entrepreneur-wannabe). I get a lot of photography-related things thrown at me now but I just smile sheepishly and continue to trudge.
Starting out is hard. Getting noticed is harder. But I continue doing it because I love it. But I am only giving myself two years to prove to myself, prove to my parents that yes, I can survive by just doing something I enjoy doing. I don't need a degree (or a doctorate) to be successful. My success will be defined by my overwhelming passion and my undying love for photography. But I can say this now because I am not jaded yet. Will I be saying the same thing in two years' time?
I don't know.
And there's the longer-term dream - that 5 years down the road, I am at least as recognized as the great people I am helping out now. Our country don't appreciate us but we shall still struggle, struggle to show the world what we can achieve (sounds like a national day song).
It's not just about pretty pictures that people go 'wow' at. It's about defining and making our own statements; about validating our existence, however short it may be.
I do want to command 5-figure sums in the future. I do want to be recognized for my hard work.
The thousand-mile journey begins with the first step and I have already taken two.
Everything will fall into place if I work hard for it. The dreams will keep me floating, the people around me - my buoy for a better future.
For now, school is just a drag. I am rapidly losing interest. The people irk me. I tell myself, it will only be temporary, just like how army was.
And I'm left wonderin' in the night, after reading someone's blog on his life in the army and his inability to do what he wants. It felt so much like what I went through in the army, the total feeling of helplessness. And it all came to pass. Now, I am wondering if I can even pass my IPPT (not to mention, to reinstate my gold status).
A friend asked, where do I see myself in the future?
I don't know but I am working very hard for what I believe in. I am dead serious this time round. The gf says she doesn't think that this is a phase, like all the other phases I went through (graphic design, database consultant, entrepreneur-wannabe). I get a lot of photography-related things thrown at me now but I just smile sheepishly and continue to trudge.
Starting out is hard. Getting noticed is harder. But I continue doing it because I love it. But I am only giving myself two years to prove to myself, prove to my parents that yes, I can survive by just doing something I enjoy doing. I don't need a degree (or a doctorate) to be successful. My success will be defined by my overwhelming passion and my undying love for photography. But I can say this now because I am not jaded yet. Will I be saying the same thing in two years' time?
I don't know.
And there's the longer-term dream - that 5 years down the road, I am at least as recognized as the great people I am helping out now. Our country don't appreciate us but we shall still struggle, struggle to show the world what we can achieve (sounds like a national day song).
It's not just about pretty pictures that people go 'wow' at. It's about defining and making our own statements; about validating our existence, however short it may be.
I do want to command 5-figure sums in the future. I do want to be recognized for my hard work.
The thousand-mile journey begins with the first step and I have already taken two.
Everything will fall into place if I work hard for it. The dreams will keep me floating, the people around me - my buoy for a better future.
For now, school is just a drag. I am rapidly losing interest. The people irk me. I tell myself, it will only be temporary, just like how army was.
Monday, August 14
5:30 AM
Yes! Finally done with the report. Looks slick but I just hope the rest don't screw it up. Thanks for leaving all the juicy parts for me man. Appreciate it, bleh.
I am so not going for the next meeting, waste of time to sit in the study room looking at one person type. And I still have to edit it when it's done. FO to all inefficient people everywhere.
Good morning.
I am so not going for the next meeting, waste of time to sit in the study room looking at one person type. And I still have to edit it when it's done. FO to all inefficient people everywhere.
Good morning.
Squashing Ants
ant |ant|
noun
a small insect
also, irritating things that keep bugging me
I have disappeared for a good two weeks or so, mainly (finally) completing a major revamp of the handicaps welfare association website with a few friends and handling school projects for my summer module.
I feel good after I squashed the major website ant. There's only another meeting to attend and we'll probably launch it by month end. Man, that was one hell of a project to work on because of bad communication and typical ennui. Stayed up the whole night on Tuesday to complete the whole thing. Phew. It felt like alcohol intoxication after that, when I was blabbering non-stop.
Right now, I am editing and adding crucial parts to the last project for quantitative methods. School term starts proper next week and I have a possible photo job at the end of the month. Life doesn't seem to give me a moment to breathe but I know if I had nothing to do, I'd feel totally worthless.
There's a confirmed photo shoot (or at least I think it is) during the first week of school. And one more at month end. I'm trying hard to secure some funds to purchase a set of lights. =) (Thanks mom! With interest nonetheless.)
Then there is my term as the new president of photography club in school. Man, that is one bitch of a job. I'm trying to push for a new direction and hopefully when school begins, I can garner more support.
I've been a very very busy boy and I do need a short break before school starts. Gonna head up to KL for some R&R but I will probably end up shooting. Haha.
Now I just can't help feeling pissed off when people tell me how busy they are and are completely inefficient and inept at completing their tasks. If I were ever like them, I probably be dead by now.
Die ants. Die!
(Almost forgot to mention that I am also working on a personal photography project. Hopefully, once I have it nailed, I can sort of begin work on my own personal website...after so long!)
noun
a small insect
also, irritating things that keep bugging me
I have disappeared for a good two weeks or so, mainly (finally) completing a major revamp of the handicaps welfare association website with a few friends and handling school projects for my summer module.
I feel good after I squashed the major website ant. There's only another meeting to attend and we'll probably launch it by month end. Man, that was one hell of a project to work on because of bad communication and typical ennui. Stayed up the whole night on Tuesday to complete the whole thing. Phew. It felt like alcohol intoxication after that, when I was blabbering non-stop.
Right now, I am editing and adding crucial parts to the last project for quantitative methods. School term starts proper next week and I have a possible photo job at the end of the month. Life doesn't seem to give me a moment to breathe but I know if I had nothing to do, I'd feel totally worthless.
There's a confirmed photo shoot (or at least I think it is) during the first week of school. And one more at month end. I'm trying hard to secure some funds to purchase a set of lights. =) (Thanks mom! With interest nonetheless.)
Then there is my term as the new president of photography club in school. Man, that is one bitch of a job. I'm trying to push for a new direction and hopefully when school begins, I can garner more support.
I've been a very very busy boy and I do need a short break before school starts. Gonna head up to KL for some R&R but I will probably end up shooting. Haha.
Now I just can't help feeling pissed off when people tell me how busy they are and are completely inefficient and inept at completing their tasks. If I were ever like them, I probably be dead by now.
Die ants. Die!
(Almost forgot to mention that I am also working on a personal photography project. Hopefully, once I have it nailed, I can sort of begin work on my own personal website...after so long!)
Sunday, August 6
Deliverance
Went down to school in the morning yesterday to clear the CCA room area for the coming renovations. Renovations for a school that's barely moved in for a year. Bah.
Had a damn long meeting after that with the Art and Culture fraternity for the Arts Fest in September. Got a little peeved when the external artistes seemed to be more concerned with the work and the people managing the event from the school seems to be quite blatantly against our club from coming up with our own thing. Like, hey it's a school event so we should let the students be more engaged right?
Rushed back home to get my gear and went for a really long walk. From my place, I walked across Yishun and down Lower Seletar Reservoir. I passed through the colonial estate and ended up at Jalan Kayu. Took about 4 hours and focussing in total darkness is a bitch. Took less than 20 shots the whole journey but I am pretty satisfied with the photos. There seems to be a marked improvement in my shots and maybe I am slowly finding my vision.
Went for late night prata and KOed at 4am.
Time to do some homework and do some studying. I want to go shooting again! Gotta cover the Orientation run in the next 3 days all alone. Fuck.
Had a damn long meeting after that with the Art and Culture fraternity for the Arts Fest in September. Got a little peeved when the external artistes seemed to be more concerned with the work and the people managing the event from the school seems to be quite blatantly against our club from coming up with our own thing. Like, hey it's a school event so we should let the students be more engaged right?
Rushed back home to get my gear and went for a really long walk. From my place, I walked across Yishun and down Lower Seletar Reservoir. I passed through the colonial estate and ended up at Jalan Kayu. Took about 4 hours and focussing in total darkness is a bitch. Took less than 20 shots the whole journey but I am pretty satisfied with the photos. There seems to be a marked improvement in my shots and maybe I am slowly finding my vision.
Went for late night prata and KOed at 4am.
Time to do some homework and do some studying. I want to go shooting again! Gotta cover the Orientation run in the next 3 days all alone. Fuck.
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