The Year Behind and Ahead

Time of the year to say farewell to the last.

It's been a terrifically crazy year, accomplished feats that would have left a lesser person dead. Kudos to the ego that's me. Did relatively well for the term despite having to juggle work, school, presidency of my club and personal stuff. There were days when I felt like giving up but didn't, I'm glad I pulled myself up and moved on.

Travelled quite a fair bit this year and I've gotten back my rolls from Cambodia. Can't wait to scan them in next week. Think I've got some pretty good shots. Heh.

Next year will prove to be yet another bountiful year, I hope. An exhibition in the planning, my last term as president, more school work, plans for a trip to East Europe during summer, lots more work (hopefully) to earn enough cash and also to bring my photography up another level. Will have to start on my efforts to create a more substantial existence in the local scene for photography, which means I have to get my website up soon.

Here's to a great year behind me and a greater one ahead! Happy New Year, dear friends. =)

Home and it's raining

Touched down a few hours ago and was shocked to find out that a relative passed away. Will be busy with the funeral rites for the next few days. Shrugs. That's life, I suppose.

Cambodia was fun though I got bored after a while. Southeast Asia is pretty much the same all over. The smells, the noise, the people and the omni-present tuk-tuks. Cambodia, on a whole, is still trying to catch up with its neighbors. Mention Cambodia and most people would only think of Angkor Wat, land mines, Khmer Rouge and street children. This is true to a certain extent but during my stay there, I found most of the people to be friendly and are trying to eke a living with whatever they have.

Despite the countless child beggars, land mine victims and poor displaced people begging in every town, I could sense a certain willingness of the people to move on. Capitalism is rampant; one finds young children (though I suspect syndicates or parents to be behind them) selling stuff every where, the Chinese community owns most of the businesses in every town I visited, countless street hawkers selling the same stuff and lots of people trying to sell tourists souvenirs at Siem Reap, the persistent motordup and tuk-tuk touts everywhere (though the frequency and tenacity dropped as our wardrobe got dirtier).

Hence, I decided to concentrate my efforts to document what I saw - this pulsating life and vigor in each place I visited. From the capital Phnom Penh to the small town of Kampong Chnnag, I had a slice of the modern Khmer life. I resisted the temptation to show the world more photos of poor street children, amputated beggars, more Angkor Wat (and that of Ta Phrom with the kapok tree's root overarching the doorway), monks walking through temples/praying etc. I turned my attention to the people and I hope I managed to create something worthwhile, despite being mainly a tourist (I did visit all the must-sees I could manage).

Hopefully, the negatives will be returned with the results I see in my head now and I can present a more positive side of Cambodia to the world. I had fun learning how to speak Khmer (got kinda decent with it, sure helps during travels to the outer provinces), trying out some of the food (didn't like it.), visiting a floating village on the Tonle Sap lake and watching lotsa cable tv at the different guest houses. Though I was predominantly grumpy the whole time, I guess I did have fun, just that Cambodia is pretty much like the rest of Southeast Asia and I had set my expectations a little too high for its exoticism.

Packed

All packed and ready to go. Getting pretty excited thinking about the trip, traveling is fun when everything is so unexpected. It is perhaps one of those rare times in my life when I am truly spontaneous and going with the flow.

You're young only once, and before you hit the workforce and end up as an automaton working 9-5 each day, it'd be wonderful to experience the diversity of the cultures on Earth.

Internship? Nah, I will do it after year 3. Till then, I must travel as far as I can. =)

Will be home in two weeks' time. I wonder what life-changing experiences lie ahead...

Learning to Feel

I have always been a detached person - detached from the world and other people. I find it hard to put myself into other people's shoes. Relationships with people seldom go beyond the surface, and only with a select few do I manage to go beyond.

I live in a world of logic and reason. The head rules over the heart. I'm desensitized to a great deal of things. A plea for help would probably fall on deaf ears.

And now, maybe I need to learn how to feel for my photography to grow. I would need to learn how to integrate a given scene's emotional impact on me, and transform it into a part of my memories and the viewer's experience.

I have no idea how to proceed but I guess things have to be taken step by step.

That would hopefully make me more human, less machine. Maybe then, I will create something that is more powerful than anything I have ever done thus far.

End.

Exams have officially ended. Been helluva term, I must say. I think results would probably be worse than the last, steadily dropping each term. lol.

Oh well, next year will probably be even crazier. For now, I'm glad to be going for a trip even though I am officially very broke. Need more jobs when I get back. Bum.

Shooting Star

"Look a shooting star!"

"Don't you realize that a millennium just flashed before our eyes? An eternity in our lives."

"Don't be silly, you're not making sense."

Laughter. "What are shooting stars?"

"Stars that died long ago and fell from the heavens. Isn't it sad? But when stars die, they implode, sucking in all the planets surrounding it and a new star is born."

"Wow. Isn't it amazing - this vast unknown out there? Let's look for more shooting stars!"

Decked Up

Bought film and slides (5 rolls b/w, 4 rolls positives) in preparation for my two-week trip in Cambodia. Will be flying next Tuesday and I have no idea how this trip is gonna pan out. I hope I will return home safely and unharmed. *laughs* Traveling is fun, gotta start thinking when/where for the next trip after I come back.

I started keeping travel logs ever since my first trip to Vietnam back in '99. Wow, that's quite some time a go. Since then, I have been to China, Korea, Taiwan, Brunei, many trips to Thailand (Northern & North-Eastern parts, Phuket) and day trips to Laos and Cambodia. Writing when traveling helps to preserve the memories, especially years after your trip and you pick up an old journal to read. I do a lot of thinking on the road, take some pictures and learn the language of the host nation. It's very funny to converse with the natives but asking them to teach you is a great ice breaker.

This time next week, I will be in a guesthouse in Phnom Penh. Totally awesome. I can't wait!

Awaiting Dawn

I sleep when people wake. I dream when the drilling begins.

Perhaps today I can see the sunrise again. It's always uplifting to immerse oneself in the beauty of nature.

Last night (or rather morning), I dreamed of vampiric shape-shifting bank robbers and my duty to stop them. One could even morph into the getaway vehicle. Totally cool indeed.

Sleeping at weird times does give me weird dreams.

Counting down to Cambodia, another week to go! Need to get film!

Cost Benefits of Being Nostalgic

//Geeky photo rant ahead!

I just developed 3 rolls of b/w film and tested a roll of Kodak E100VS slide film. I must say, developing film these days is exorbitant! Especially if film-scanning needs to be done, so I just developed the rolls.

My b/w experiments using my lomo+canonet proved to be quite disastrous. Only 1/2 a roll came out looking vaguely fine. The rest were all over-exposed. It seems that both cameras need some repair. Bummer. =
The slides came out better than I expected, blues were very well accentuated and so were orange/yellow. Despite taking predominantly nice but random stuff, I must say that exposure was right on for most of the pictures. However, this is a biased statement because a) I took those pictures, b) I looked at them by placing the slides against a bright light source, c) I can't verify sharpness etc.

But I am quite determined to bring along some slides for my Cambodia trip to use in the old family automatic camera. And lots of b/w (Kodak Tri-X!) for my new toy (hence the post below about financial woes).

However, the costs of becoming a nostalgic film-based photographer in a digital age means that: I pay more for film, developing of negatives (I can't print when it's $1/slide for a 4R picture!), saving money by developing the b/w rolls myself (I need to acquire a whole set of equipment!), time/money needed to scan them into the computer (either borrow from a friend or save up for one).

Yet the surprise element of seeing the results makes up for it. When I looked at the slides, I was overwhelmed by a rediscovered sense of photography - not knowing what I have actually captured. The element of surprise can knock your breath out sometimes, much missed in the LCD preview days now.

That said, I like old stuff perhaps. Digital has its advantages but for now, the allure of nostalgia has brought me back to using film. I hope the pictures in Cambodia will turn up nice. ;)

p.s. looking for a cheap slide projector now, preferably <$20. Or if you spot it in your neighborhood Cash Converter *laughs*, do tell me ya?

Metamorphosis

I think I am slowly turning into my dad with respect to financial issues. Sigh.

I earn quite a lot but I spend more than what is healthy. I can't help being self-indulgent sometimes, buying things on a whim. And I end up screwing myself over by spending money I have (or thought I have).

I'm sorry...I just need to rethink this aspect of myself. Cos even if I earn big bucks, this attitude will just bring me to ruins.

Ok, who needs a photographer for next year?

I promise to save up more and stop buying new equipment...unless I can really afford it and keep my bank account above a healthy level.

But I need new clothes...and blah blah. Infinite wants and limited means. There's something very wrong here.

Stop Pretending to be Serious

I wanna be irreverent and cool. I don't want to wear black polo t-shirts and jeans. And have a shaved head with a nice goatee, sans spectacles. In short, I want to stop pretending to be so serious all the time.

But can I?

Check out my new work in progress under flickr, a series of b/w night street photography. The pictures were taken last month but the editing was done yesterday, after I saw a vision on how they will look like. Hmm, then again, it is a piece of dark and serious work.

Photography is more successful as a serious tool. I think I will go doodle some cartoons in between studying for my exams. Lol. It feels much better now that I have finished most of my for-money work. Next year I will be concentrating more on myself.

This is such an egotistical post. Will it ever stop running so I can go for a jog???

Nine

Damien Rice's new CD is not as haunting as his last. Nevertheless, there are gems to be found within the CD. However, ardent fans maybe disappointed as he seems to be heading back to his roots. I still like the songs, especially the idiosyncratic ones that most people would hate. There seems to be a certain arrangement in the tracks, from breaking up a relationship to finding someone new. Maybe he has grown out of his previous heart break and the pain seem to have left him.

Today I am feeling rather detached. Exams are coming but frankly, I don't give a shit. Looking forward to Cambodia. Finally found someone off the street who is willing to participate in my shoot for the group exhibition next year. =)

VPC+SQL Woes!

So I need to have a working SQL Server running on my WinXP emulation in OSX. The inner determined geek spent the past 8 hours trying to get the dumb SQL Server to install, waiting for the progress bar to move painfully...after countless reboots.

And then I realized after some Googling that the root of the problem is that SQL Server does not install well on virtual disks. So much for getting WinXP to run! Now I'm trying to brute force my way through, trying some arcane methods of installation.

All this trouble for just a small assignment that I could do within 30 minutes (Although Prof did mention in his assignment that it'd take 8 hours).

I do like doing the information system module this term, and I reckon that I might actually score the highest for it among my other modules. There might be a chance that I continue taking the IS mods and end up with a second major...but that would mean I must either:

1. Get a laptop that runs Windows natively
2. Get a desktop that runs Windows and hope that I don't have to do projects in school
3. Get a MacBook Pro with Windows
4. Suffer with my current setup (1GB RAM running VPC is crazy! Need more RAM! Good for photoshop too but will probably cost me $300+)

Sigh! I don't know who to hate more...me for buying Apple, which I totally adore, or Microsoft for their shitty products, or school for wanting students to develop on Windows systems, which IS the major platform for businesses.

Seriously, I hope someone gives me a used laptop for free. I don't need any bells or whistles, just the bare minimum to do coding and run SQL Server with. =
(Update: Ehrm, scoured like a mad dog and arrived at the answer. There's no way I can install SQL Server on my emulation due to the fact that VPC acts like a PII PC, and that SQL Server requires a PIII to install. Bummer. Wasted one whole day!)

Lucky Bastard

Recently, I have been on a trial to see how long I could last without sleeping. The record stands at 42 hours straight. It is definitely not healthy and I started hearing/seeing things in a whole new light. Ha. The adrenaline that kept me awake seemed to make the brain feel funny.

So I tried it again last night but I ended up sleeping at 9 am this morning. And I thought I could wake up before 530pm to bid for my classes. But as most of my friends can testament, when it comes to school, I am just ever so not interested. I woke up late for my exam, first time in my life, and reached school one hour after the paper had started. This time round, I woke up 30 minutes after bidding was supposed to close. In a stupor, I felt that maybe, just maybe, I can take a term off of school. The amazing thing however, was that bidding hours got extended till 730pm! I'm one lucky bastard. Haha.

I don't know but it was definitely a close shave. I'm feeling burnt out from school right now. One week till study break with some projects still undone!

Online Shopping Woes

Instead of (doing my projects, studying, DI-ing pictures of Monday's DVD launch), I just finished a model in Excel to calculate the costs of getting some books and a cd from amazon.

In my model, I considered shipping from Amazon to Singapore (goods as they are available and goods together), and from Amazon to VPostUSA to me (goods as they are available and goods together). This is due to the CD being available only on the 16th this month. I also factored in shipping and arrival dates of the different methods of delivery.

To my dismay, VPost doesn't really give me much savings and in some instances, it is actually more expensive to use it. And also, importing a CD is much much more expensive than being patient and getting it from HMV.

At least the books that I am getting in will be a considerable saving, either purchasing them from Kinokuniya or Riceball.

And also, the differences in arrival dates is around a week for using VPost, thus explaining the more costly option.

So what can I do? Be patient and wait for the goods to arrive roughly around exam period at a cheaper price (without the CD) or have it arrive one week earlier at $5 more. But if the CD is purchased, the price difference is quite stark but fancy paying up to $37 for a CD!

There must be an easier and faster way to ship things back here. =|

3AM

Been suffering from Windows-itis because of class for tomorrow. Need to reinstall the whole emulation on my Mac and then the program for class. Sigh.

Spent the whole day in school coding in VBA and writing crazy stuff for the Excel project. Argh.

Just read an article about an MP's daughter's insensitive, elitist blog on a fellow citizen's comments. I did get slightly peeved at her language, even though you could say that I belong to her "class".

Nevertheless, I find myself more and more in tune with the uncles sitting in the coffee shops. Reading the 400+ comments on her now defunct blog makes me laugh, especially the "scary" ah beng types. Still, I just feel that if we, as the new generation, want to survive in the future, we gotta get out of our tiny, myopic, (I hesitate to say this...) "utopian" world and see for ourselves what lies beyond these insipid shores of ours.

Yes, I have an education, I'm not sick, I didn't have to prostitute myself, I (may) have a bright future ahead, I have a roof over my head and meals to fill my stomach; but hey, I can't seem to find myself among the squeaky clean streets. It's as if I have only half a shadow, I can't voice out without fear, I can't send emails criticizing the government lest I get kicked out of school (or get sacked from work), I find myself being underappreciated as an artist. I hate the fact that everyone is so practical about the paperchase, fearing that getting a less than perfect score will cost them their first job. Gosh, there is a greater and better life out there!

I don't know if I would sound "whiny" to our protagonist but this is seriously how I feel about living here. I am not a rich Sixth-Avenue type like her. All I have is my determination to overcome all this someday. I may not become very rich in the process but at least I hope that everything will be worth it. I fear that I may lose out if I don't follow the rat race but people in the rat race still lose. Might as well try to be happy doing something I like.

p.s. Sorry for the grammatical errors, missing words or jumpy sentences. It's 3AM after all and still waiting for my stuff to be installed. Emulations suck big time.

Leaving

Yesterday I attended an informal photography forum chaired by some local photographers. Had a very invigorating session and it reminded me of how Bresson, Capa and the other Magnum illuminaries used to gather during the pre-Magnum days. It's as if a new movement is being started right here in Singapore and the younger ones like me (okay there were only 2 of us youngins there) are thrown the gauntlet to further the cause. The pioneers have already paved the way for us and with the transfer of power from the West to the East, it is really up to us to make a difference.

So where does that place me in the scheme of everything? For one, I know that I am still studying because the degree will be my safety net. If in the event that my photography really picks up before I graduate, the first thing I'm going to do when I get the piece of (worthless) paper is to leave these shores to accumulate greater knowledge in the US (or Europe) by assisting and exhibiting there.

It is imperative, somewhat, that to make it big here, you gotta make it big overseas. The market here is just not big enough to sustain the really good people and once in a while, you hear some great artist, who's well-known overseas but not here, returning to the home land.

Leaving will be hard and probably throw my parents off-track. But hey, I only have one life and if I choose, like everyone else, to remain here as an employee, I will never realise my dreams or at least take the first steps towards them. At least, at the end of the day, if I fail, I still got my worthless piece of paper to help me get a worthless job.

WhattheDuck.net

*laughs* Wish I could say that to some people!

Argh

Going down to school for a meeting at 6pm. Feeling slightly burned out but still need to pull through the last few weeks of deadlines and sleepless nights.

After a whole week of not doing much, it feels like shit having to plough through everything. Once again, the ants start crawling all over.

Last night, I dreamt of this beautiful plain with the sun setting. A giant eagle was lifting me up above the whole scene and the deep shadows were amazing. Perhaps I am dreaming of a release from this mundane life.

yh in the sky with cameras

picture yourself in a boat on a river
with tangerine trees and marmalade skies
somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
a boy with bespectacled eyes

cellophane film of black and white
towering over your head
look for the boy with the night in his eyes
and he's gone

yh in the sky with cameras
yh in the sky with cameras
yh in the sky with cameras

follow him down to a bridge by a fountain
where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies
everyone smiles as you drift past the weeds
that grow so incredibly high

newspaper taxis appear on the shore
waiting to take you away
climb in the back with your head in the clouds
and you're gone

picture yourself on a train in a station
with plasticine porters with looking glass ties
suddenly someone is there at the turnstile
the boy with the summicron eyes

i'm hoping that this break lasts as long as it can. a good respite from all the work.

Fur

Hmm, Nicole Kidman as Diane Arbus. And an overhyped version of her life on celluloid.

Must watch.

Break

After weeks of crazy schedules and more, I have *finally!* a few days of respite now. So I am planning a host of activities to fill up the void. I should be hospitalized for having chronic workaholism.

But hey, I ain't killing anybody else but me.

This week spells the start of a new fitness program (I pray). Everyone who hasn't seen me for a while remarked on how skinny I look now. It's the inevitable loss of my muscles. Time to change all of that again.

Maybe the lack of a natural high from exercise has been prompting me to get it through other synthetic means. Very bad.

Tomorrow I am going for a run and clear up some rudimentary work. I will go shoot at night. Hopefully the cops don't arrest me again.

I am looking for models for my personal work for exhibition next year. Need very tattooed bodies with interesting personalities. Mail me if you are a likely candidate.

Peace.

Bidding Wars!

Currently been scouring through ebay to get good deals on used camera gear because the 2nd hand market here is generally more expensive. But of course, the difference in the prices is part of the risk factor.

Got outbid for 2 auctions so far. All towards the last minute of the auction, when some crazy guy came and up the bid by a few hundred dollars.

I want a Leica M6 for my travels and a Hasselblad 503CW for my personal work + studio stuff. So hard to get a good deal. :(

p.s. the parent unit is financing this of course, taking a loan from her.

Kampuchea!

Kampuchea! Kampuchea! Kampuchea! (Or otherwise known as Cambodia)

All jobs will be halted in December for my well-deserved trip.

Need someone to sponsor me a Leica M6 or a Mamiya 7 (so I get rangefinder capabilities plus medium format)!

Needs!

I need to:
1. Study and fight off the muggers in school
2. Take a break
3. Start my new photo series (details when work is in progress)
4. Acquire new equipment and gear
5. Save more
6. Take a really good break

:(

depressed and angry.

Warily Waiting For Respite

Firefox crashed and ate up my previous post.

I was talking about a friend's take on life and philosophy and how it differed so much from mine. Unlike him, I want to constantly push myself further, to reach greater heights. And with it, comes a price that I have to pay. I compromise on many other things in life and there is no way a person can have his cake and eat it too.

Today's horoscope tells me to take a break from this self-imposed hectic schedule that I have been keeping. It's funny how something like that really ties itself to a person's life. And I'm left wondering why I behave the way I do.

While I may not be doing what other people my age should be (actually, what should a typical person be doing?), I certainly do give up all these privileges of youth. Then again, in exchange, I receive many lessons in life that just forces me to grow much older.

Whenever I am plagued with work, I complain about how I have so little time to do this and that, yet I am fully aware that it's my inability to say no that got me into this sorry state. When there is no work, I succumb to some depressive phase and end up grovelling and feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I am secretly enjoying myself by piling more work on.

Like a self-declared masochist, I hurt myself by performing too many roles in life. The key is to strike a balance and unfortunately, I have yet to find it. How does one even achieve something as delicate as that?

I was reminded of a mentor's words, "This is a lifestyle, not a hobby." And truly, I have been obsessed by what I am doing in terms of my photography, commercially or personally. Yet, it fills me with greater joy than my lessons in school, despite all the crap I receive from clients.

Would things be better one day? I do not know but that is how I push myself on each time, telling myself that everything will be better after this. It sounds suspiciously like a drug addict's words, don't they?

Gripe on the Ineffectiveness of People in General

Running a few projects at one time now and I can make a safe conclusion that most people are really quite hopeless.

You have people who refuse to do work, people who complain that they are too busy (hey, look at me, bitch!), people who don't know what is going on, people who don't get back to you, people who have no idea what's going, people who need step-by-step instruction on what to do (I might as well do it myself), people who thinks that they can do everything.

Argh. And this is mostly true of people I work with in school. And also with the projects outside.

So what do they want? Someone to breathe down their necks all the time? I can't afford any time to do that...

Back in the military, at least we can still throw our ranks and threats around. In the business world, at least people are afraid of losing their job. But in school? Their grades matter more than yours, so they should be given priority to study first then see if there is time left over to do the thing. Hey, in that case, why bother saying that you can help out when you end up being a liability?

No more school shit next year. No more.

Rainy, Rainy Day

What is it about rainy days that I write so much about them?

Perhaps it's a reminder to me that there is a part of me that wants to sink into a perpetual sadness, just for the fun of it.

Nevertheless, I enjoy the solititude of a rainy day at home. A hot cup of tea and jazz playing in the background. Sounds a bit like a Murakami story, except that at the end of the song, everything is still normal and sane.

Because I got you under my skin

I'm just writing so that perhaps I will be reminded of this moment in the future. In spite of all the things that I am facing now, I hope for a better next time.

Hopefully.

Singapore Dreaming

Watched Singapore Dreaming in the theatres two nights ago (support local films!) and I felt that it was a good character driven show. Though Hokkien is used extensively, which means it can qualify as a foreign film, the scenes were nothing like Jack Neo's brusque scenes.

Though I can hardly say that there was poetry, there were definitely several few poignant moments that make you wonder. Why are Singaporeans acting the way they are? Why is the chase for all these material wealth the pursuits of many? And if they had no ability to make big bucks, the lure of 4D/Toto is always there.

Caught in between all these, I have been developing a somewhat different notion of who I want to be in the near future. I see the drones in school studying so hard so that they can get a cushy job with their 4.0 GPAS and the blank, empty people at my old workplace.

And then I ask myself, which way do I want to go now?

Maybe it is time that many of my peers ask themselves this question too.

Would you sacrifice your dreams for money or would you sacrifice money for your dreams?

(Then again, this is an oversimplified equation, with relationships, family and love taken out.)

Go to: http://www.singaporedreaming.com

Wonderment

Just read the preview of Lecia's new digital M8 model. It seems to be unparalled in design and simplicity of use. I've always wanted to own a Leica (out in the market for a second-hand M6 with lens) but apparently, the new M8 costs about £2990 (body only).

Ha. I can only dream on.

I'm only rather concerned about the sensor quality and the images that come out. I hope they have managed to solve the problems of digital images looking plastic. Then I can probably own one in say ten years time (when the next M9 is released). Lol.

In other news, been busy working on my school work, total bane to my so-called "chill-out" week. Have got two shoots next weekend, more money = less time. Oh well. Better head back to my work.

The Week When I Forgot to Breathe

The most horrible week just passed by.

Had a 3-day shoot from last Saturday to Monday. Did the DI whenever I could during the week, which meant that I didn't have much sleep.

Tuesday and Wednesday were the days I had lessons in school, followed by nights doing DI and trying to organized things for Arts Festival. Had to rush down to a friend's studio on Wednesday morning to send some files over to Paris.

I assisted a friend for a commercial shoot on Thursday, came back and wrapped up the DI.

Delivered the goods on Friday morning, rushed down to Bras Besah to check on the prints for Arts Fest, purchased all the materials needed, went back to bring my new club members out for a shoot, worked on Arts Fest installation till 1 am.

I hardly had time to breathe and people are still huffing about other stuff that I'm supposed to do. Crap. Give me a break, will ya? I need my sleep!

Prison Break!

Currently in denial mood.

I hate school, I hate bureaucracy.

But I still love myself. I just wish I was brave enough to say, to hell to all this, and fly myself up to New York and study there.

Needless to say, a dumb plan that is almost like throwing my future away.

Did I mention, I hate myself for being a gutless, kiasu Singaporean?

Brained.

So I thought it would be good to stay at home today. Given the amount of activities in my life, you would think that such a respite is a luxury.

About 2 hours ago, I felt extremely flustered and bored. I did some readings for class but I don't really feel much for them.

Right.

I think I am going to struggle in class for the next few years, this feeling of ambivalence pervading everything in my school life.

I never did like school and I thought it would all change. I'm so wrong.

Wonderin'

Nay. Once again insomnia strikes. And I gotta rise early later to prepare for CCA day where we will try to entice people to join the club. Currently, it feels more like a one-man show, my show but I am hoping good things will come out of it.

And I'm left wonderin' in the night, after reading someone's blog on his life in the army and his inability to do what he wants. It felt so much like what I went through in the army, the total feeling of helplessness. And it all came to pass. Now, I am wondering if I can even pass my IPPT (not to mention, to reinstate my gold status).

A friend asked, where do I see myself in the future?

I don't know but I am working very hard for what I believe in. I am dead serious this time round. The gf says she doesn't think that this is a phase, like all the other phases I went through (graphic design, database consultant, entrepreneur-wannabe). I get a lot of photography-related things thrown at me now but I just smile sheepishly and continue to trudge.

Starting out is hard. Getting noticed is harder. But I continue doing it because I love it. But I am only giving myself two years to prove to myself, prove to my parents that yes, I can survive by just doing something I enjoy doing. I don't need a degree (or a doctorate) to be successful. My success will be defined by my overwhelming passion and my undying love for photography. But I can say this now because I am not jaded yet. Will I be saying the same thing in two years' time?

I don't know.

And there's the longer-term dream - that 5 years down the road, I am at least as recognized as the great people I am helping out now. Our country don't appreciate us but we shall still struggle, struggle to show the world what we can achieve (sounds like a national day song).

It's not just about pretty pictures that people go 'wow' at. It's about defining and making our own statements; about validating our existence, however short it may be.

I do want to command 5-figure sums in the future. I do want to be recognized for my hard work.

The thousand-mile journey begins with the first step and I have already taken two.

Everything will fall into place if I work hard for it. The dreams will keep me floating, the people around me - my buoy for a better future.

For now, school is just a drag. I am rapidly losing interest. The people irk me. I tell myself, it will only be temporary, just like how army was.

5:30 AM

Yes! Finally done with the report. Looks slick but I just hope the rest don't screw it up. Thanks for leaving all the juicy parts for me man. Appreciate it, bleh.

I am so not going for the next meeting, waste of time to sit in the study room looking at one person type. And I still have to edit it when it's done. FO to all inefficient people everywhere.

Good morning.

Squashing Ants

ant |ant|
noun
a small insect
also, irritating things that keep bugging me

I have disappeared for a good two weeks or so, mainly (finally) completing a major revamp of the handicaps welfare association website with a few friends and handling school projects for my summer module.

I feel good after I squashed the major website ant. There's only another meeting to attend and we'll probably launch it by month end. Man, that was one hell of a project to work on because of bad communication and typical ennui. Stayed up the whole night on Tuesday to complete the whole thing. Phew. It felt like alcohol intoxication after that, when I was blabbering non-stop.

Right now, I am editing and adding crucial parts to the last project for quantitative methods. School term starts proper next week and I have a possible photo job at the end of the month. Life doesn't seem to give me a moment to breathe but I know if I had nothing to do, I'd feel totally worthless.

There's a confirmed photo shoot (or at least I think it is) during the first week of school. And one more at month end. I'm trying hard to secure some funds to purchase a set of lights. =) (Thanks mom! With interest nonetheless.)

Then there is my term as the new president of photography club in school. Man, that is one bitch of a job. I'm trying to push for a new direction and hopefully when school begins, I can garner more support.

I've been a very very busy boy and I do need a short break before school starts. Gonna head up to KL for some R&R but I will probably end up shooting. Haha.

Now I just can't help feeling pissed off when people tell me how busy they are and are completely inefficient and inept at completing their tasks. If I were ever like them, I probably be dead by now.

Die ants. Die!

(Almost forgot to mention that I am also working on a personal photography project. Hopefully, once I have it nailed, I can sort of begin work on my own personal website...after so long!)

Deliverance

Went down to school in the morning yesterday to clear the CCA room area for the coming renovations. Renovations for a school that's barely moved in for a year. Bah.

Had a damn long meeting after that with the Art and Culture fraternity for the Arts Fest in September. Got a little peeved when the external artistes seemed to be more concerned with the work and the people managing the event from the school seems to be quite blatantly against our club from coming up with our own thing. Like, hey it's a school event so we should let the students be more engaged right?

Rushed back home to get my gear and went for a really long walk. From my place, I walked across Yishun and down Lower Seletar Reservoir. I passed through the colonial estate and ended up at Jalan Kayu. Took about 4 hours and focussing in total darkness is a bitch. Took less than 20 shots the whole journey but I am pretty satisfied with the photos. There seems to be a marked improvement in my shots and maybe I am slowly finding my vision.

Went for late night prata and KOed at 4am.

Time to do some homework and do some studying. I want to go shooting again! Gotta cover the Orientation run in the next 3 days all alone. Fuck.

What?

Every so often, I find myself buried under a pile of stuff that I don't really want to do but I had already inexplicably agreed to.

I just wish that people would be more responsible and responsive. I feel that most people in school are just so engrossed with their grades that they lose track of certain things in life.

And all I want to do is to just get out of school. But after meeting KK's father yesterday, he reminded me that no matter what, even if there is a great opportunity now to stop school - don't. It is all about patience, he said, you must wait for the best opportunity before you leap, and even then, weigh your costs.

So I drag myself back to school, hoping that things work out.

I wish I don't let things affect me too much, all I want to do is just take photographs for now.

Non-Drug Induced

Strangely inspired today. Maybe it's the LSD-like dreams I have been having and they keep me in a strange-worldly existence. Last week, I felt that I did not belong to me, this week I feel like floating away.

Summer term started yesterday and it is a bitch. I dislike school and the people I meet there.

I am seriously reconsidering my future here. Being desk-bound and surrounded by the school-drones/future work-drones is enough to make me want to bail.

I dream of living in Thailand. Haha. Sawasdee-krub. My Thai friend says the Thais love me because of my character. What she meant by that, I don't really know. But that explains why I have such a huge foreign student fan club in school. Hahahaha.

Dreams

Been having outerworldly dreams as of late.

We were sunbathing in the Artic region, jumping off the ice and into deep freezing water. Then I complained, "The sun's not so warm here. I doubt I will get a tan at this rate." But the sun's luxurious warmth was so real in the dream.

Then there was a wedding where many people were singing in rows. It was like a Bollywood flick. Someone gasped and pointed to the sky - a magnificent burst of light went across the sky. It looked like star clouds, resembling intertwining tentacles and were a deep red, almost ochre, with occasional flashing at the sides. I rushed to take my camera, my old film one and before I took the picture, the whole phenomenon disappeared. Everyone went back to singing and dancing while I continued staring dejectedly at the sky. A lone shooting star flew past and I made a wish.

Would making wishes at dream-state shooting stars come true?

The More I Learn...

...the less I know. And the more I want, to satiate the thirst.

I am slowly taking steps to get to someplace that I foresee myself in two years' time, whilst getting my undergraduate studies underway.

I don't know, I probably be happier not studying and learning more from the real world.

But I know my parents would be disappointed and they think I'm too young to be thinking about stepping out.

Shrugs. We'll see how things go.

(Hoping for a big break soon.)

Stillness

There is a pool of still water within me.

I know the dark little man lingers somewhere out of the line of sight but he will not disturb the peace that reigns now.

All seems to be well.

No more ants. No more darkness. For now.

The waves of the endless ocean washed more of me away than I thought.

Oops, There Goes Gravity

Back from my short trip where I had no care and concern in the world except looking for food for the-stomach-that-wasn't-very-hungry-most-of-the-time, which means no email, no calls, no sms and no news.

It's really quite good for an information junkie like me. I hardly went cold turkey save for the second day when I wanted to check my email. Luckily, I didn't.

Now, being back home = replying to at least 10 emails so far, sent out 3 smses and hoping that I won't be woken up tomorrow by too many phone calls. I think I will just turn off my phone. I still need to adjust myself back to a hard-ass reality like this.

Back to reality sucks.

Nay

Skipped work again. Office work is getting routine and I can't stay on any longer.

So here I am, wondering what to do next. Maybe I will start packing for my short trip; a respite finally! I still have to go return the library books but I'm wondering what to do next.

Nay. I will just not plan anything today and let the spirit of spontaneity take me along.

I'm too rigid.

Oh lookie, what I found! Zidane's headbutt immortalized as a video game. Get ya red card!

Let Me Be Humble

For all the things in life, I think I must learn to be more humble.

I fear that if success comes, I will be so wrapped up in it and raise myself up on a pedestal.

So please, if I ever become conceited, please slap me (not too hard) and remind me of how there are better people out there.

Cheers.

Bugger

End of the month equates to an insipid wave of low morale. Especially after I tally up my expenses and revenue and the figures don't look very rosy.

Even if I feel down, I have to struggle through this. Somehow, I hope that my luck will change and I meet better people with more appreciation for what I do. The road to success comes with lots of hardwork (and perhaps dumb luck).

Swamped

Once again I am swamped after much procrasination and refusal to work.

I need to complete:
1 x Web project by next week
1 x Database project in two weeks' time
1 x Meeting with school authorities regarding an exhibition in school
2 x Sets of namecards to get printed
1 x Client's work to edit for print by this week
1 x Client to meet tomorrow afternoon
2 x Photo assisting jobs (ad hoc basis)
1 x BBQ this Saturday

Argh. And that is not including the club stuff that needs to be settled but I can't seem to put my finger on what needs to be done.

Great.

Everything Is Illuminated

Yesterday, I decided to rent a video and lucky me found Everything Is Illuminated hiding in one corner. It's based on a book with the same title by Jonathan Safran Foer (which I have read) but the show went straight to DVD here. I haven't watched it and I really hope it's not absymal. It stars LOTR hobbitt, Elijah Wood, so it shouldn't be too bad right?

Recently, I find myself rather uninspired to photograph. And when I do, I find the images poor in execution. I wonder what's happening... I need some inspiration (and I see countless images on a daily basis!).

Once again, I find my habit of leaving work till it's urgent coming back to me. Bummer.

Sighing Trees

After a hard day of coding, I am wishing for 6pm to come. Recently, my working ethics have been bad but I realized that in the corporate world, it doesn't really matter as long as your performance is right on the mark.

And that is why I spend at least 2 - 3 hours a day surfing aimlessly at work. Haha. I hit the required target I set for myself for that day while keeping the final objective in mind. But office work is boring after a while.

Then again, my idea of fun is very much different from most people. ;)

Giant Walking Screw Up

I'm a giant walking screw up. Period.

I'm not very good with knives and cutting straight lines.

I need to go buy more mounting boards again.

And I haven't gotten to applying the glue.

I'm sure my pictures will end up crooked.

Where's the bloody undo button?

Nausea

Vomited 3 meals out of 6 the past two days and having bouts of diarrohea, which kinda sucks. I hope the body recovers tomorrow morning.

I hate that people label me as a camera-man, merely a tool-wielding technician. A photographer, who knows his worth, is much more than that. He is an artist, in his own right, and also a businessman, if he aims to earn a living through it which is a sad thing to do. Selling out is a subversion of one's passions and yet, you must be shrewd enough to understand the market forces and how everything else will affect your business.

To those people who want me to cut my rates, I would just ask you to leave. I know my self-worth and I will not sell out.

Boredom Fighter

Everyday at work is a day spent watching the clock. It's unbearable to have to work 9-6 everyday. I cannot imagine a life like that in the future.

Just discovered the Encarta bot on MSN (been on the mac for too long). Must think of quirky questions for it!

yh says:
do you smoke weed?
Encarta® Instant Answers says:
None for me, thanks.
I'm high on life.

So what do you want to talk about besides drugs?

Anyway, broke month ahead!

Woes of a Struggling Artist

When local clients approach me to do a certain job for them, they typically have a very skewed view on what is involved behind the scene. For example, they may think that for a photoshoot, all I need to do is to set up lights and just click the shutter, and a miracle is formed. Hence, they come in with a specified low-price budget and expect a lot from it. The thing is that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys and they would shit on your head.

You can't expect to pay very little and expect a lot right? A familiar tactic that clients use would be, "Could you lower your price as there will be future opportunities for us to work together. If you give us a good rate, we will be more likely to ask you again."

Of course, many would balk at such a request, thinking of the future income that could be reaped from such a deal and slash their prices. Here's what will happen on the next assignment with the client, "Could you please lower your prices as we feel that it is too high? For your last job with us, you delivered well but we think that this current job doesn't entail such a high price."

So what happens next? Do you stick with that client and continue delivering work at a rate below what you used to charge. In fact, because of such a "good" rate, you get a few recommendations from that particular client. He sends you his friends who all have the impression that you do good and charge cheap. You get many requests but each asks for low prices. You cut back on costs, get cheaper equipment, don't pay too much attention to detail and get irritable. You are working harder than you used to but why does the money seem to get lesser?

Are you being fair to yourself then? What I have learnt thus far is that one should have an uncompromising view on where one stands. If you think that you are good enough to charge that price, never ever cut into what you pay yourself. A typical quotation would include rental and other expenses. Cut back on those instead. And if the client complains, just say that you had to scale down on quality due to the price. But never be nasty about it.

And if big clients come your way who are more than willing to meet your price or higher, you would gradually move up the pyramid. Instead of being stuck at the base (low-paying, high volume work), at least you can slowly move up. And you would have freed up more time to pursue your own personal work, instead of haggling over the price. When you have to deliver, you must ensure that it is work of the highest standard and no compromises in terms on your own expectations. The high quality generated would ensure future jobs from that same market and allow you to move another step closer to the next level.

That said, if you find yourself being rejected by too many clients because of your high price, maybe you have to review your portfolio and your prices. The wrong market positioning would cause more grief than anything else.

Since everyone is in business, we all want to cut costs and increase profits. However, there must be a time when cutting costs wont necessarily equate to bigger bucks. The choice is yours ultimately, to hang in there waiting for bigger jobs to come or do some cheap ones before the big one arrives. Never ever fall into the trap of undercutting yourself, it would be hard to climb out from that hole.

Dreamscapes and Escapes

A magnificent castle transformed into a smaller church-like building and a mechanism that made the land surrounding the castle to fall away, causing the sea to rush in. Waves formed as high as ten-storey buildings but quickly died down before the new building, a reflection of the meglomaniac's will. I shudder at the sight of the crashing waves that came close, yet never reaching us.

Traveling back in time to see some friends in school. We could interact and talk with each other but because I was from the future, their brains did not register my being there. The neurons could not form links with the now-me and the then-me. I was quickly forgotten, like dreams disappearing in the morning. I walked among them but I was unseen. It was very sad to see how they had changed and how many had walked away from me.

And there were other distractions within the long narrative, things that are unmentionable and things that cannot be remembered.

Art of Work

Been rather busy since last week and this week seems to be a far cry from the mad sleepless nights and endless running around.

I still have some backlog to clear but that doesn't mean much.

Recently, I have developed a rather haughty sense of my own self. Today, I realized my folly and decided that I should be as humble as I could be. I have not arrived. In actual fact, this is just the beginning of perhaps an interesting affair with my passion.

Maybe I have lost the vision that I saw just two months ago and interestingly, I have to introspect before I can see what lies outside. The memories, the experiences; light and shadow, mingle to form an indelible image within and without. Am I poised to capture every moment of it?

Here's to a brand new start (once again), the road of never ending improvements. Cheers.

hmm.

Been having stomach problems lately and have avoided quite a few social drinking sessions. A deep fear starts to take root that I am slowly missing out on that part of life, and also, the friends involved. I guess it's time to sit down and really dwell on what I really want to achieve for now but I believe a fair bit of socializing wouldn't hurt! (I am so out of the scene though.)

Need to submit a portfolio by Monday to bid for a job on a magazine. Hope it would be a good start.

Other than that, the dream I had last night confirmed the fact that I have been letting too many little issues crowd my life and missing the things that I really should. Multi-tasking maybe good but one can't juggle too many balls. I believe that I will be letting more balls drop onto the ground as the days progress.

It ain't funny when you dream of giant ants crawling up your body and waking up to find yourself desperately trying to sweep them away. =(

Laos Politics

Laos' ruling communist party, the only legal party, won 113 of the 115 seats in the parliament today. The remaining two seats were won by independent candidates.

Somehow, it resembles, on the surface, the situation that occurred here last week. Ha.

Strangers on Trains

The man speaks on the phone with his son, very much like how my father talked to me when I was young. I wondered how old this man was, trying hard to judge from the lines on his face and the sparse white hair on his head. Then it occurred to me that I may have noticed him before, traveling on the train together.

Figments of my memory surface, like wisps of smoke, piecing together a hard-to-decipher picture - of him and his China wife and a little babe in the pram. I must have wondered then how a man like him could not find a bride in Singapore, perhaps he was too shy? Now, I looked at him and admired his sharp features. And again, I wondered, why he could not get a local wife but was it the same him I saw in my hazy mind? The baby must have grown now, to be able to communicate over the phone. I wondered whether he still had those chubby cheeks. Yet, I could scarcely remember the wife, save for her very strong Chinese accent.

They are after all, just some strangers I meet on the trains.

Settling Dust

The elections results, on first glance, may seem like the PAP had lost its support as compared to 2001 but if considering the trends of the other election years, one could see then that nothing has changed much. It is saddening to realize this simple fact that no matter what has happened, Singapore will largely remain the same and we have yet transited to another higher plane for politics.

I do not wholly agree with the WP for their somewhat more left-winged ideology as compared to the PAP but they did put up a fine show for this elections. If they continue to grow properly, not resorting to dumb tactics that other parties use, they might even get more seats in the next elections.

As for the rest of the opposition, I wish they could emulate more from the WP and learn. No more name-calling and wild accusations. I'm tired of seeing that.

As for the ruling party, I felt that the PM's speech was overtly hypocritical. After much lambasting of the WP over their integrity, he praised them for being a good opposition for Singapore. Sigh. If only more people knew. But I think that the PM must be rather shocked at his 66% win in his constituency when a 85% was first predicted, and to a suicide squad nonetheless!

Oh well. Now that the PAP is back in power, it's time to expect the MRT fares to hike up (again!). Maybe I should write in to my MP and ask him about it.

It's Been Awhile

Past 3 weeks been rather hectic, running all over the country and also up north. Gonna start work next week which means less time for my other leisure pursuits.

*Long rant ahead about the elections. Hoping not to get sued over this.*

I have been keeping a check on the local elections the past two weeks. It is saddening that I could be liable to be sued if I ever posted anything considered "defamatory". The country's media is ranked 140 out of 167 countries and I would still consider this elections to be a farce. Nevertheless, tomorrow will be the first time I am voting but I think it will be a non-event. Everyone knows who will be voted back in parliament. I am however rooting for the underdogs because in a true liberal democracy, the goverment shouldn't be afraid of "10, 15, 20 oppositions" and "spend time fixing them".

An alternative voice is definitely important in the growth of a country. Comparing us with countries like Thailand, Taiwan or the Philippines is after all, a fallacy in it self. Our political systems and cultures are so different, I would doubt that having opposition parties will lead to "investors' confidence to drop" in our country. All the laws stacked up against anyone brave enough to step up against the ruling party just makes it a even harder battle. I admire their courage but perhaps the opposition still needs more work before being considered a formidable force.

While many people I spoke to, especially the older generation, have expressed their disdain for the ruling party, I am wondering if that will change anything. Given the current political apathy of my generation of first-timer voters, what could the government do to turn them into critical thinking people? And also, the bread and kaya issues were not addressed till yesterday due to the James Gomez issue. And even so, promises that we will turn Singapore into a country with more opportunities feel like empty words.

Credit must go to the ruling party for guiding the country's growth since independence but as we head towards half of century of that, perhaps more could be done for people to be more politically shrewd. Perhaps then, we would not be so easily taken in by words, by the ruling party or the oppositions, and decide for ourselves which is the right choice. Let the political scene flourish, I say. The current trend seems to be more like a playground fight than a proper elections, with its name-calling and threats to sue. It is like two bickering kids calling one a liar, and the other getting angry and threatening to tell mommy. What good would this do for our country?

The media may not be controlled by the government but it does not yet paint the best picture for us. I overheard a conversation yesterday regarding the JG issue, where the lady said that she wouldn't vote for the opposition because they are liars and she hates this kind of behavior. Though it may seem like a generalization, I feel that if this was an accurate picture of the younger voters, the government should be worried. How can one make such a decision because of one's feelings instead of the head? There might be more people unlike that but will they still dare to stand up and make a point? Given the conversation with the Minister Mentor a few weeks ago, it seems that the journalists are feeling very oppressed and that they want changes to be made. I salute them for saying something many of us don't. But look at the backlash that has occurred because of that.

I am also deeply concerned regarding our bread and kaya issues. What oportunities would there for a small country like ours? The integrated resort will be but a temporary solution to boost the economy and it might end up like Fantasy Island on Sentosa. Fun for a while but disappearing after a few years. I am entering the work force in a few years and I don't know how the economy will be like then. The threat of terrorism (ok...a US government plot), Bird Flu and raising oil prices (US government's fault again) paints a very bleak picture. Talking about HDB upgrading, lifts on every floor and increased subsidies may appear to be very important to people but is that all that is to making our nation happy? What would happen after this needs are satisfied? The nation of non-critical thinkers will be happier and continue in their blind worship?

This said, I believe many would say, why bother? We're happy the way I am and that's it. Well, given the relative freedom of speech on the Internet, I felt that I should at least make my thoughts noted, even if among a selected group of people. I am no dissident, nor am I truly unhappy with the ruling party but I just felt that more could have been addressed during this elections. It just makes me more jaded about things here and perhaps staying in the country would not be enticing anymore in the future. I am neither pro-government nor pro-opposition but I just wanted my voice as a first-time voter to be heard, somewhat. I do wish that the opposition would think up more concrete plans though. Although the silent protest last night has been kind of inspirational.

Dead Rose

Many people come to my blog to look for photos of dead flowers. Here's a rose. Feel free to use it in non-commercial work, as long as credit is given to me. Drop me a mail to boost my ego if you're using. =)



(I don't particulary like the contrast in the jpg image though.)

Thoughts on Being Ordinary

Today, was supposed to meet a client at 2 but got rescheduled at the last moment to 6. So I went down to the Traveler's Health Clinic to have my second dosage of the Hep A vaccination. Surprisingly, I met a Spanish friend there, who's getting his immunisation with his wife. They're planning a cross-Asia-Russia trip by train back to Spain. It sounds really cool - a six-month trip. It also further reinforced my wanderlust. Ha. I also met my aunt who's working as a nurse at TTSH. What a small world.

In between waiting and travelling, I was reading Murakami's Norwegian Wood. His stories are typically about ordinary people caught up in unbelievably ordinary situations and mental states. In Norwegian Wood, the protagonist has a talk with his love and was told that "the only normal people are the ones who know that they are not normal at all". Existentialistic and thought provoking. What does it really mean to be normal? Having a normal job, living life like everyone else but deep down inside being all twisted and abnormal? The irony of it all and many of us traipse through life exactly in this manner.

Many a times, I have this yearning to be different, to be weird or to be just plain crazy. Does that make me different, weird or plain crazy? Or does that just make me ordinary, wishing to be somebody that is not me? Does everyone else have this innate need to be someone else, wishing that he was not like the rest?

Years ago, I would have been more easily influenced by what I read; I would imagine myself to be just like the guy in the book - giving succinct answers and talking all funny, I would recognize traits and assimilate them for a while. Does that make me different? Why is there even a need for me to be different anyway?

Couldn't I just be happy the way I am?

I have yet to come closer to the answer, and may never will.

I was feeling all down when the client rescheduled me: I was thinking that if I was born in a rich family, I wouldn't have to be doing this. I could just be shopping with my old man's money, reading (would I even love reading if I was rich?) books that I can't afford now, buying all the photographic equipment that I needed (would I still love photography?), having a string of girlfriends (and be blind to what I have now?), drinking and making merry every week (aimless existence without concern beyond the moment)? Life might seem to be more interesting if I had the means to buy everything I wanted to but I have an inkling that I might not be satisfied nonetheless.

In life, you win some and you lose some.

Inherent Geekiness

Was playing around with OSX's Unix and trying to get Apache server running on my Mac. Will be getting MySQL installed too. It's easier than setting it up in a Windows environment. Lol.

Now that the holidays are here, I have got so many things to do. Meeting an old client this week, going up to KL to visit my mentor next and I hope to do some database jobs for money. There is also an unconfirmed product shoot. I even have plans to visit India with the Progress Package money, haha. I would be giving up some money making schemes if I pursue that but I think it is better for my soul. Ah. Gotta see how things go.

So many things to do in such a short time, suddenly 3 months + 1 month of summer seems to be too short for anything!

Sleep and All Is Well

Woke up 13 hours later feeling like a new man.

Over the past two days, I bought $100 worth of books. Time to catch up on my reading!

Can't believe first year is over. Before I know it, we would all be thrusted into the working world. Shudders.

p.s. my friends and I can be found on FHM this month. lol. Was a snap of us at Balcony Bar a few weeks ago. Totally hilarious and embarrassing at the same time.

Back Then

Had a chat with an old man at the void deck before returning home. To my surprise, he lived just right below my flat. It's funny how people in the city live so close yet so apart.

He talked about how he started smoking when he was only 8. Back then, Japan had just invaded Singapore and the adults passed him hand-rolled cigarettes to, perhaps, ease the pain of being alive.

He talked about how the Japanese soldiers beheaded people. Using a knife no longer than a parang, the Emperor's Sons (as he termed the killers), would tap the victim on the back and in a smooth motion, decapitate a man. It was funny, he said, that not a drop of blood would touch the killer.

He told me that the Japanese hung two human heads at a bridge in Jurong. One had its eyes close, while the other stared at you with regret. Blood had spilled from the head, down the pole and staining the earth. It was so horrible, he still dreamt of that scene forty years later.

When he was sleeping one night, a bomb fell upon his village. Many died that night. People cried for their sons, husbands, wives, mothers and lovers. Families that had 20-odd people sitting at the dinner table were reduced by more than three-quarters. He described, so vividly, how fragments and shards would fly upon the bomb's impact. He escaped death because a piece of metal had only grazed him while he was in bed. The mattress had prevented the metal from ricocheting and saved his life.

And the British were bad masters. In order to prevent the Japanese capture, the British had flown planes above Singapore, spraying oil and other flammable liquids. They had intended to set the city alight, better burnt to the ground than surrendered to the invaders. However, it rained non-stop for 24 hours and the British's plan was thwarted. How many more would have died innocently that night?

Years after the Japanese left, the old man still resented them. Japanese films were boycotted and he would refused to go.

"I didn't watch those shows because I hated them, I really did."

After the war, life was bad. His family was poor and he never did get an education. Food was hard to come by and he mostly ate rice and vegetables. That was one reason why he believed that he is still strong today.

He told me about the history behind the area I am staying at now. How several old houses around here used to belong to illustrious people like the assistant high commissioner and the head of the city council. He told me about the old Indian village that once stood where the coffee shop is now and the fish farms across the road.

He feels rather sad these days. He lamented the fact that cigarettes cost so much now and how they used to be so much better. Before the PAP came into power, cigarettes did not smell so bad, and when one smoked, people around would be tempted because of the fragrance. Everyone had to learn how to smoke and drink, for business and for pleasure. Most of his friends had past away and these days, he would have nothing much to do, except having a smoke and a beer at the void deck and singing with his wife.

I am thankful for this opportunity to steal a glimpse into the past, no matter how remote it is from the here and now. And like most old people, he would talk about something, go on and came back to the same topic again. Yet, I am amazed at what he had to say, no matter how convoluted by time, perceptions and other reasons.

I will visit him again soon; it's only down a single flight of stairs.

A Slight Discourse

Then it dawned on me.

The answer so deceptively hidden. To move one step forward, one must take one backwards.

A good book that causes you to remember the scenes from within just by seeing the title, a good photograph that makes you remember the emotions when you first saw it, a good song that makes you cry whenever you hear it, a good movie that makes you want to watch it over and over again...

All of these are tied with a single thread, an invisible string of human emotions, the artist's intentions, his/her expressions, take on life, perception, melody, etc etc!

And I am trying, trying very hard to reach that level. It is beyond words what just went through my head. And perhaps, it will lead to more doors opening.

Suddenly I am awashed with my very own feelings when I heard Damien Rice singing live. How he put in so much of himself into each song...and how there might not have been a specific intention when he wrote it, just that it had occurred to him.

I am trying to put a logical thought process on something as illogical as human creativity. And that is why I am stumped. However, my professor would say that he would disagree with me, that creativity is a logical process. Haha.

Deeper

In between my textbooks, I have been reading The Photograph by Graham Clarke. Though the reviews on amazon ain't fantastic and the book is overtly wordy at times, it is still my first foray into understanding the art of photography beyond the aesthetics, through my own reading. I have only read 3 chapters (okay, skimmed through the one on landscapes) but I feel a certain sense of liberation and awe emerging from within, and with that, comes a long a feeling of unworthiness.

Photography takes on a deeper meaning, each image containing within itself a studium and punctum; drawing the viewer in, allowing him to read the photograph beyond what is shown. But I wonder, if was the artist who created the image with such "meanings" forming in his head at the point of capture, or was it post-imposed?

How then does one recouncile the truer meaning? I may go, "Wow, I sure didn't thought of that when I looked at the picture until you mentioned it."

Is it then equitable to say that the photographer had managed to evoke the certain emotion/non-emotion he had hoped to achieve from his viewers (assuming that said photographer had taken the picture for an intended audience)?

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance (yes, I should be studying) on the idiot-box and I saw how one dancer could dance with so much emotions that he caused himself and others around him to cry. Was it his intention to produce such emotions or was it just him expressing himself through his dance, and whatever the reader feels was entirely her own intepretation? I agree with the latter in this case.

So how do I bring this back to photography? Maybe there is a red herring fallacy here because I was talking about the intentions of injecting deeper meanings into photographs and ended up with the act of dancers causing emotions to stir. Haha. I am being self-contradictory then. Nevertheless, I am feeling kinda perplexed and finding it hard to put into words. Maybe I will go get myself a better book. =)

Moving Shadows

Deadly silence pervaded my house for the past week. I'm too tired to carry on studying but I may have to continue fighting on for the next four days. Everything will be cheery at the end. I can sense the liberation of having no deadlines, no examinations and boundless time to do whatever I want. Except that I don't have money.

Two choices:
1. Work my ass off to get some cash.
2. Work sometimes, shoot often and reap benefits of a healthier psychology.

Opportunity costs and what not. I wish my family was rich. Haha.

Rumbling / Fictional Toilet Humor

//Disclaimer: May Offend!

I had the worst rumbling in my stomach for the past week. It's this queasy feeling you get whenever you feel that you need to shit. But everytime I sat on the toilet bowl, torrents of nothing just come ripping out of nowhere. And the pain never resided.

I just came out of the toilet, flipping through my magazine, hoping that the bowels would get inspired. Nothing much came out except this little brown poop. At first, I stared at it lying motionlessly at the bottom of the toilet bowl, wondering where the rest of its friends were. After a good five minute of staring, my thoughts flitted back to how, in the order of karmic retribution, did I end up suffering such needless pain?

Then something weird happened.

It began with the occasional bubble rising from the brown body, then it became more frequent; tiny little bubbles of life floating up to the surface. And it started to move! Slowly at first, then with a powerful sweep of its tail, the brown poop circled round its surroundings. It was incredulous that it had gained a life of its own, I couldn't believe my own eyes. How did this thing move all by its own? Incredibly curious yet hesistant to scoop it out of the water, I stood up, looked at it swim a few more laps and I flushed.

Escape

Hmm...Glad that Creative Thinking is finally over. My group's installation was such a refreshing change from all the videos that were shown. 7 out of 8 groups did videos and only 2 were commendable. Sometimes, I feel that I might be in a media school or something.

Posted the pictures I took for my CT class on my flickr site. Basically, the installation was about how decisions that you make in life will affect the outcome at the end. We tackled 3 very mundane issues: Wealth vs Happiness, Friends vs Loneliness and Dreams vs Reality. Using fishing lines, we tied 6 quotes (white paper on black mounts) to the ceiling, and alternated them with 10 cents light sticks, hanging the A1-sized pictures at the end of each path. Our dry ice didn't really work very well but I'm glad the team pulled it off.

Anyway, seems like my brain is on a perpetually inspired mood lately (despite the exams). I have came out with several themes for my next few body of works. Escape will be something that I can do when I am bored at home and a series of night photography for the post Shooting Home monthly theme.

The summer looks beautiful. On another note, if I were to get myself a domain, I will call it Staring At The Sun, a homage to my individual CT project. Now, another week and I'll be going on to sophomore year. Crap.

moody monday

i feel like having a beer and then start on my biz law text. tempting.

leading such a decadent-cant-give-a-fuck lifestyle once again. ah fuck it.

bought myself a magazine even though i am darn broke and it's rather eye-opening in terms of fashion photography.

and when i cant shoot, i write - lotsa bullshit and nonsense that a few people read. thanks. you're beautiful but you stink. nah, seriously.

dreams often feel so real that you could just reach out and touch them. only to realize that they leave behind a dollop of friggin' ectoplasm on your hands.

End of Short Break

Slept more in the past two days than I had in the past week. Feel totally rejuvenated and it's time to hit the books! Mugger mode on. DND.

Anyway, contemplating on what to do during the holidays. My wanderlust is kicking in big time but my wallet is empty. And I don't want to be tied down to a 9-6 job once again. And I some photo jobs to get on with.

The summer looks terrifically exciting. Oh man.

I can't hardly wait!

phew.

Miraculously scrapped through the presentation somehow. Been sleeping at 3-4am the past three nights, just trying to get that shit project up. I think the group owes me if we do quite well! Don't know why the onerous task of compilation etc always end up on me, maybe the streak of responsibility and perfectionism within me. Or maybe it could just be that I don't trust the people I work with. Ah well. I would never let my project die even if my group mates are fucked up. Nope.

Now to take a short 1-2 day break before I start revising for the exams. Can't wait to go shoot again!

r.a.n.t

expletives ahead. skip if you're easily offended.

fuck!

why do people in my school insist on having a video accompany each presentation that we're having? is it like some kind of fucking standard thing? and the worse thing is that it may be easy to say that we want a video, we want to show this and that, but does the extra work justify for it? if it is not complementary at all, why waste fucking time doing it? especially when i am the idiot left editing it at the end. fuck!!

fuck. photography != video editing

one thing for sure, if this shit carries on, i can probably go into the video-editing field. lol.

and it's the last week before the one-week study break and exams will be here. i just want this term to end...fuck!!! then i can take a few days off to visit my mentor in k.l and start work on the first week of may.

my exhibition is still ongoing at objectifs. please do drop by if you can. someone expressed interest in buying one of my work. i am deeply touched. for once, someone actually thinks that my work is good enough to put on someone's wall! i do hope i will be getting more commercial photography work from now on. i am sick and tired of doing mindless design jobs. lol. not that i am very good at it.

Exhibition

Last night was the preview for the Shooting Home exhibition. I have learnt so much from this course and I think that I have taken my photography to another level. It was really challenging and mind blowing. Especially the nightly critiques that we had to sit through.

My particular theme was on shooting garbage (and hence the previous post's pun on trashy shots). I never realised how interesting garbage could actually be. Will be posting the shots that didn't make it to the exhibition on flickr when I have time.

Anyway, the exhibition will be held at Objectifs from 27 March to 13 April.

Here's the address:
Objectifs
12A Liang Seah Street
+65 6339 3068

My first exhibition. That is so unbelievable! Time to go back to school work. Can't wait for the holidays to end so I can go shoot again!

1st Session

Met up with the faculty and the other members of Shooting Home '06.

The faculty are really quite nice and they're trying their best to push all of us into directions that we haven't really thought about.

I got my initial project idea shot down but they kinda liked my second one. I'm not revealing much right now, I will have to see how it goes. It's challenging because I have never really done something like that and it might end up being all thrashy. Haha. So I'm crossing my fingers for this one. Gotta wake up early to catch the morning sun. Expect lack of sleep for the next few days, at least I won't be worrying about school work for a while!

One of the participants is an old acquaintance of mine. He led my secondary school trip to China 6 years ago. Singapore's such a small world!

Business of Busyness

Lately, things have been getting kinda wired up and crazy in school and in my life.

Next week, Shooting Home starts and I do hope that I will be able to come up with a theme by then. =|

I can't wait for this term to be over.

5 projects not done. 4 presentations due.

Argh. Summer holidays, you are just a 6 more weeks away!

Excitement

I woke up beary-eyed and speaking in a robotic voice this morning. Had a short chat with my brother who is going to be enlisted next Friday. It's been a while since we had something in common to talk about. After that, I went on to check for emails, as per my usual SOP.

Sitting in my mail box was the one email that got me absolutely excited the whole day - the email from Objectifs that I had been chosen for this year's Shooting Home course! Two weeks from now, I will be mentored by photographers like Ken Seet, Ernest Goh, John Cosgrove (editor of Photoi magazine), Alex Moh and Francis Ng with 9 other selected participants.

I was literally bouncing up and down like a small kid (a gorilla more likely) and I couldn't contain the excitement within.

I had mixed feelings about the portfolio that I hastily put together and submitted, thinking that I wouldn't be chosen at all. This must he the break that I have been waiting for. I must really seize this opportunity to discover the finer points of photography and hone my skills more. Perhaps, with this one chance; I would be able to go up closer to reaching my goals; towards greater self-expression and the capturing of the fleeting human spirit.

Hopefully, it will also be a platform for getting more commercial jobs as I still gotta earn back the money I spent on my gear. I should probably stop lying to my mom that I had "invested" my life savings in some fictatious stocks.

It's been a whole day and I am still unable to get over the exhiliration. Gosh it feels better than striking 4D or something!

Still Hiding

I've been hiding for the longest period of time from the online world of blogging and I am happy to remain this way because I have nothing much worth saying. It's not like the joy has been taken away but things have taken their place in my busy and hectic life. In the past one week of school holidays, I went down to school for four out of five days. And each day I returned after 10pm. How's that for a good rest?

Anyway, been busy trying to play the part of the studious boy this term. I've been keeping up with my work (which I think is not an easy feat) but it'll get even busier tomorrow onwards. I've got another half a module on creative thinking to take, which sounds fun but after hearing from friends how my instructor would be like, I think I rather pass.

So right now I have 4 projects to be completed, 3 presentations left, 2 mid-terms, 3 papers at the end of term and I'll be sort of free for the long summer break. Of which I have already secured a place of employment. Haha. 7 more weeks and I'll be alright. Maybe I will finally revamp this site. But I need to process some photos and send them to people I promised. I'm always slow in regards to that because these things are not important and not urgent at all.

In the past week, the most exciting thing that happened was perhaps Canon's release of the 85mm f/1.2 II L lens. That's one mean mofo that I would gladly buy if I had that cash. The 30D is quite a let down though. But since it's going at a price lower than my 20D, wtf man. The next most exciting thing would probably be my purchase of new ram for my PB and an external HDD casing. Toys for boys. And the 15" PB is going for $800 lower than the price I bought it since the new MacBook Pro will be out anytime soon. Argh!

And also, I submitted my portfolio, albeit assembled last minute without much thought, for Objectifs' Shooting Home. If I ever get in, I gotta arrange to attend my classes on different days, at week 11 no less! The heat's building up, I've been neglecting people and I feel kinda bad about that. But I made a promise to myself to study harder this term and perhaps achieve more than what I did for last term. This academic competition is so not fun. =(

Hiatus

I shall be taking a break from this joint, seeing that I haven't had much time or the inspiration to write. Maybe when my time is freed up somewhat in the next 2 months, I will come back with a new layout and hopefully more interesting stuff to read about other than my days.

I need to travel.

Clutching My Heart

I just realized that I had tons of work to be completed within these two weeks and I am lagging severely behind in my readings and my reports.

Sigh.

I need to construct an argument for my analytical skills class...and I do not know where to start. It might be quite a tall order for me to argue about the existence of God or something similar.

Clutching my heart and it beats too fast. My palms are sweaty and I feel like floating away.

Read a Murakami story in the morning, "There are some things about myself that I canot explain to anyone else. There are some things I don't understand at all. I can't tell what I think about things or what I'm after. I don't know what my strengths are or what I'm supposed to do with them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail, the whole things get scary. And if I get scared, I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I'm not such a wonderful human being."

How apt, how apt.

Maybe I should write an argument about Why Humans Are Not Wonderful or Why We Should Be Depressed.

Hope?

That little boy at the window. He has the most intense eyes and he stares through me.

What does he want?

It is cold outside but I am warm inside, looking at the little boy; he nevers takes his eyes off me.

Why are we even alive?

I cannot fathom his thoughts.

I am just staring at the little boy at the window.

I'd Have Spent A Life Time With You

Good bye my lover.

Is this really the end? Admidst all that fireworks and the moribund festive spirits?

Skipping Lessons

Went late for my 830 class because I overslept and I skipped my econs class at 330pm to go gym. I am glad that I did that because the class is a total failure and I'm better off studying it myself. Trained till my legs couldn't take it anymore, they were simply shivering even though I was just standing. Think I am scaring people in the gym with my 140kg squats. Haha, it feels good to be strong again. =)

My aunt's mother just passed away and I took a cab down with my mom to the funeral. Things weren't ready yet, the coffin arrived shortly after we reached. It's rather sad to see the festive season marred by this. I remember vaguely about her; she was a very nice and jovial lady. Always had a smile on her face and spoke to me in Cantonese. Think that was years ago. Things just happen, I guess. You can never predict what life will throw you next.

While sitting beside my mom, I saw how the skin on her arms are getting wrinkly. My mom's age is catching up, perhaps I should talk to her more but the years of alienation cannot be easily brushed aside. Suddenly, I am reminded of our mortality and I wonder what happens after death.

Deep Dark Realisation

Though it might not seem to be a very good time, I suddenly feel that I might just be goddamn mediocre. There's nothing spectular, nothing great. Then again, the world is filled with mediocre people but I had always thought I wasn't one of them. I thought I was special that I was smart and good at everything I do.

I think I thought wrong.

Sunday Blues

Monday blues always hit earlier than they should.

I lost my stupid cable for my camera on Friday during my school's grand opening. Got some shots of the Prime Minister but I guess they are not allowed online. Lol.

Flipped through the papers in the morning and I was rather taken aback by the sudden explosion of so many issues regarding the new Budget in February. This time round, I suspect, as the General Elections are round the corner, the Government is trying to make use of the Budget to increase support. Hence, more coverage on what the Budget will be like and more slamming of the Workers' Party on their new manifesto (quite a joke, I must say). Ah well, the Gahmen wielding their clout over the media. =|

Pictures on Walls

See some works of graffiti scribbled on walls.

Most of them don't make much sense, just mindless vandalism but a few are rather poignant. I am especially touched by the simple "Remember Me" sprayed in red. It was someone's little message to no one in particular of his/her own existence, a mute cry to the world.

And there also funny ones like, "I'm not a slut. I just can't say no." Lol.

A Million and One Things

It's only week 3 and life has gotten extremely hectic. There are so many things to complete on time and so little time. It feels kinda hard to breathe. The only respite is the few days of exercise I get each week, working out to take my mind away from so many things. The clanking of weights, the pounding of my feet on the ground and the face of concentration when I am lifting 110kg of squats. I am so weak now - mind, body and soul.

What happened to the peace that washed over me just a few weeks ago?

Why am I doing all these? What's the purpose in everything that I do?

Friday's Sun

There is sun today! The monsoon winds seem to be have blown the rain clouds elsewhere but would this last?

Had quite a fun time checking out Ministry of Sound last night. The place is glam and I am impressed. The drinks were kinda diluted and the DJs were pretty boring. But it is a school bash so I guess they thought we would be less discerning consumers. Shrugs. I adore the 70s-flavored room - with its space chairs and bubble swings. I wonder how the cleaners keep the all-white futuristic pure room so clean. Do they scrub the walls and floors everyday? There several areas that were out of bounds with grumpy security standing guard, preventing some over-zealous party goers from entering the VIP lounges.

Fun's over and it is back to reality for me. One year older and closer to my grave. :| I think I will be freaking out soon when I reach 30. !!!

Happy Birthday to Me

In order to make up for last year's disappointing 21st birthday, I have been celebrating my birthday for the whole week. lol. Tomorrow will be the school's bash at MOS, the funkiest place in town now. Hopefully, it'll all be good.

Just saw that KK has started on his own a photo a week project. While I am tempted to follow suit, I question my creativity and the dearth of subjects to shoot here. However, I hope to start on my project in school soon. Somehow inertia has rooted itself, much like everything else in my life when it comes to working on new things. Still looking out for studio courses to attend, just missed the start of a course over at MICA. Darn!

Steve Job's Keynote

Hop over to Engadget for Steve Jobs' keynote address at Macworld 2006.

The maestro has just announced a new version of Tiger, OSX 10.4.4.

And like all the pundits have predicted, he has just revealed the new Intel-Macs. Starting with the iMac with dual Intel processors. Apparently, it is running 3.2x faster than the old iMac. Everything looks the same at the same price!

The Powerbook no longer exist as it is renamed to the MacBook Pro (argh?!), running on the Intel core duo at 5 to 6 times faster than existing Powerbooks. It comes with iSight built right in just above the display and of course, all the latest updates to the existing suite of programs i.e iLife, iPhoto (now with photocasting), FrontRow.

Gosh, that makes me just want to change my Powerbook right away but I guess the bank doesn't really agree with me. 5 months old and already a dinosaur! :(

Rain, Rain, Rain

It has been pouring non-stop for the past few days and sunny Singapore has been reduced to a poor replication of dreary London, sans the vibrancy of life. I have been looking at rain falling outside the glass windows of my school library, hearing it hit the tarmac while at the gym and feeling the cooler weather caused by it. I just hope it stops soon. I need to go for my jog tomorrow morning.

While listening to my studiolighting.net podcast, Clay Enos has struck me as a very interesting commercial photographer. Check out his portfolio and also his blog for some inspiring portraitures.

Squeeze

Spent much of the day reading, it being raining and all. Did some exercises at home and watched some episodes of American Dad. It is funny how Americans can laugh at themselves and their goverment without being slapped with a fine or thrown into jail.

I've got class for the next 3 Saturdays, no thanks to all the holidays we're having so far. And frankly, I don't really enjoy the idea of going all the way down for school. Sigh.

My brain's kinda mashed up now. Can't seemed to be able to create anything. Bummer.

In Need of Some Creative Rejuvenation

Maybe it is the familiar that causes our eyes and minds to be closed to the extraordinary; the numerous HDB flats lining the scenery outside as we cruise to work or play, hardly stimulating anything within the soul. Was watching this travel documentary on the telly and I was struck by the beauty of the Peruvian countryside. How could one's mind ever be numb when stimulated by such marvels all around?

Then again, maybe it is just me lamenting the lazy creative eye and transferring it to the lack of wonder around me. I think another trip should be in the pipelines soon, perhaps to something more exotic now. Just that, I don't know where I want to go and if I should go alone or not. Maybe a homestay would be a most enticing offer, allowing me to immerse myself in another foreign culture.

There might be changes to the look of this blog soon. While I am pondering of expanding into an URL of my own, the amount of work required kinda puts me off. And also for economic reasons, I think I would be sticking around here for quite some time.

First Day

School begins and I went to the new gym. It was good and I think I will be spending quite some time there in the future.

While on my way home, I was very disturbed by this middle-aged lady who sat beside me. She was airing her left armpit and exposing her straggly hair to the world. I felt quite uneasy; trying not to look in her direction but from the corner of my eyes, I could see those squirming follicles waving. It was unnerving, it was rather disgusting but I could not bear to stand up and ask her politely to cover her pits. As a matter of fact, my brows are furrowed as I am typing this.

When I left, I quickly sneaked a quick glance and felt even more uneasy. I guess it is human nature (or just me) to want to look at disgusting things even though they disgust us. Have you ever came across someone so ugly that he/she repulsed you but you couldn't stop staring? Why do we even torture ourselves. Human beings are just weird.

p.s. If you want to comment on my flickr account, you do not need to sign up for a new account if you are already a Yahoo! member. So please do comment!

Happy New Year

It's the start to a brand new year and what lies ahead is rather exciting and daunting at the same time. The celebrations get milder as I grow older, a sign of changes in lifestyle and goals. Had a small catching up session with my old classmates. In another few years' time, we would all be in different social situations and things will be totally different. But the new year is always a good place to start getting in touch with people you have neglected the whole year through.

Check out my new flickr page. Leave comments, sign up for flickr, spread the message, do whatever you like.

Spent last night editing the photos and obviously the web photos are of a lousier quality compared to my muthahuge psd files!