everybody has some.

everybody has some pains.

everybody has some hurts.

deep down inside, we are just children, hoping that tomorrow will be better.

hope. that's what drives us. that's what makes us go on.

everybody has some hopes.

the bubble will keep you safe till it bursts.

sweetness of our beings.

bitterness of our suffererings.

help.

that's what we all need.

fuck it. just fuck it.

fuck all these conflicts.

fuck all these pain.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Got a gift early this year from my boss. I'm on off till 3rd Jan. =) Worked really hard the whole week so I can enjoy my well-deserved break.

On Monday, we had our evaluation and I woke up early. In the afternoon, I went out field with boss to set up the admin area for Tuesday's Battle Course. And when I thought I could rest when I got back in the evening, we had to finish servicing the vehicles.

On Tuesday, set off at 6am after loading the stores. Spent the whole day out field supervising the adminstration matters. Went back, thought I could rest but had to supervise the washing of the vehicles that just went out. So I was totally drenched by the time we ended at 10:30pm.

On Wednesday, washed vehicles the whole day. Stopped at 6pm then we had the infamous weapons cleaning to slightly after midnight. Slept at 1am after a fantastic supper of instant noodles and canned lychees.

Today, couldnt wake up till about 8am. Went down worrying about the whole day's work and what time I'll go back tomorrow. Was surprised to be informed that I will be on off today and tomorrow. Been working so hard for this. Ah!!

So hard work does pay off. The rewards gained just seem so much sweeter. This is for all the weekends burnt, national day holiday burnt, being wet for whole day cos of vehicles...Sweet.

Happy holidays folks!!!

The human memory is pliable, manipulatable and hazy at its best resolution. Events glimpsed in an instant and dedicated a certain area in the brain would have been artificially coloured with details that might not have happened, that have happened but deviated a little or happened in its true exactness. And thus, history is subjective and eye witnesses may not provide the true picture to a certain event.

The lifespan of our memory is limited and many of our so-called childhood memories are best evoked when dealing with artifacts of the era - photographs, anecdotes, certain memorabilia like toys et cetra. Such objects induce in our brains a false memory of what happened, taking pieces from here and there, resulting in a frankencomposition of the memory of what had happened.

I myself, have pieced together certain memories of my "childhood": falling off the front seat of a moving car, watching my nanny baking love letters in the kitchen, crying at the front door as my father left for work, these and many more are all collected in my brain and define my life as a child. Although much of it have been fabricated, there are the indelible events that are left behind as scar tissues, events that are etched forever in the tomes of our mind, fuelling our anger, feeding our self-pity.

Memories are such precious things. I would fear the day that I lose mine.

recommended movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Last night, we had a little class gathering and we had a blast of a time at Brewerkz. And I bumped into my coach who treated all of us to a free jug. It was nice to see him after 2 years. He still looked the same but there was perhaps, a little melancholy seen deep within his eyes. And a hint of regret in his voice. I would never know what lies beneath the surface of the people around us. He told me not to waste my time and never pick up training; and joked that he would rather listen to me sing karaoke than train again. Haha. Still miss the old times I had with my team mates training.

My third uncle's gonna be a my place for the weekend and I'm trying to avoid him like a plague. He is a super nag who just refuses to get off my back for my decision to forego medicine. And he has recently gained a new arsenal - Christianity. Been preaching to my elder cousin since he came to my house. Argh. Gonna go out and hide...

i'm tired!

booked out so late. not much energy left to savour my weekend and i've got errands to run. bah.

wanna clear leave!!!

I know it does drive people crazy with my incessant countdowns but seriously, with the amount of shit my stupid battalion still has to face, it's the sweet end of it all that brings me up and urges me on to complete my duty. Can't let anyone down, most of all, my men. Weird to hear this but I've learnt a lot more about leadership then anything else (besides siaming from arrows matrix style). In the future, I would consolidate a little article, going into details all the things I have learnt. And maybe, just maybe I'll write a little book on it. Hahaha.

I know it's evil. When I stumble upon other people's blog documenting their woeful days in the army, I can't help but snigger. While I still have a few more months of shit left, I'm totally optimistic in the sense that the end is so near already. Haha. I believe that at the end of it all, I benefitted from the entire experience and emerged stronger, wiser and more appreciative of things. And I have a whole slew of managerial experience, met a whole gang of friends, know people from really screwed up backgrounds a.k.a my men and learn about life from different sources (present & ex oc, csm, the other ps's and my best pc/2ic). Perhaps, looking backwards, it's been kinda wild, depressive, elated, confused and long journey. So army's not that bad after all~ (dun flame me!)

3 more weeks to Christmas/block leave followed by 6 weeks to CNY/5-day weekend then 3 weeks to ATEC/one week outfield then 2 weeks + 2 days to ORD. Food is more digestible if cut into smaller chunks. Haha.

Alexander the movie by auteur Oliver Stone fails to dazzle. It hardly had any dramatic war scenes, save for a part where Alexander on Bucephelus had a showdown with the Indian raja on his elephant. Even that scene was marred by a tree that wasn't supposed to be there. The careless flashbacks as well as unclear story telling did not allow the viewer to immerse himself in the movie experience. There were countless unnecessary scenes that did not tell the story fully and if it was the director's intention to question Alexander's sexuality, the male kissing scenes were just not sensual enough. And the girls! Man, they were ugly. Haha. Save for Angelina Jolie, as Alexander's mystical Queen Mother, Olympias. Even so, the weird way of showing her emotions and concern with Alexander's conquest was not really dwelled into. Colin Farrell as Alexander was absolutely a bad choice. He did not represent the man who was believed to be a god by his followers. And the hair was a big mistake. Many key battles and events in Alexander's life were not shown and we were presented haphazardly representations of events that I believe bear secondary precedence.

Overall, I was disappointed with the messy battle scenes, the jerky timeline, an unbelievable Colin Farrell and three hours is just not long enough to encompass a great man's life, be it filled egomania or simply a grandeur to see the world.

Score: 2 1/2 dead flowers.

My taste in music has changed drastically and radio fare just can't make the cut now. Thanks to cw's late night sharing of his cds, I have developed quite a nascent and ecletic preference of which I do not know where to start. There's the bossa nova beat, the melacholic tunes and even sweeping symphonies. Shrugs. That's the problem with non mainstream music.

Last night, cw said it would be cool to take a photo of yourself every week. I calculated that by the time we were 50, we would have 1 min 30 sec worth of changing faces. It would be a cool filler to use for scene changes in a film. haha.

I still want to make my film, publish my book and have my own photo exhibition. And this army stint has not really helped because my muse has been suffocated by one too many smelly number fours.

Countdown: 108 days. Every week is a beautiful week. Haha. I love out field exercises because time passes faster and I'm spared arrows. Been recently appointed some crappy shit job, on par with the regulars, and I'm thinking, I really don't deserve this at all. Keith attended one of our o-group co-ord and he complained of all the arrows he was taking for his ps and I looked at him, raised my eyebrows and said, "You shouldn't be complaining about this to me." Which is true. I draw as much pay as he does. Shrugs. But I'm starting to not hate my job so much. Haha. The end draws near!!!

FDA votes against female sex drug

Testosterone patches for females to increase their libido at the expense of increased heart attacks and cancer for one more "satisfying sexual event" per four weeks?

I'm glad they disapproved of it. Just because males need Viagra to improve their sexual functions doesn't mean females need the same because it's a different market all together. One's a hormonal problem, the other a physiological problem. Marketers banking on the unethical or misaligned use of a so-called "aphrodisiac" should be kicked out of the door. I wouldn't want to see excess hair growing at the wrong places for our women folk after menopause! haha.

Had lunch with the O group today. 2 of the PCs treated us to an extremely filling meal over at Brewerkz. Ordered a sinfully huge burger that quickly expanded in my stomach after I downed my beers. Haha. Another place to hang out next time with my buddies. The ambience was quite cosy and beer was cheap, especially in the afternoon.

I am absolutely hooked on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Haha. Wreaking havoc has never been so fun and safe!

After all the troubles, I can finally reconnect to the net again!

Unfortunately, there ain't much time left, gotta go back to camp again. My relatives are staying at my place for a few weeks so I wouldn't have much privacy.

Finished Books one and two of the Alexander trilogy. Totally captivating and Aristotle's words still echo loudly within my head.

Every problem has a solution, so there is no need to worry. If there is no solution, why worry?

Such a simple logical statement and what a world of difference it makes to one's perception of everything. =)

haven't been able to get online due to pacific internet's inept customer service, which called me up and told me my renewal and free modem will be coming - after i had called up and queried them on the matter. oh well, another few more years with them...

I made a rather decent linguini boscailo today for dinner. First batch was authentic tasting so I had to modify the recipe slightly by adding salt and parmesan cheese. Result - tasted like a dish in a local Italian restaurant. Very pleased with the results. My calamari were kinda crunchy and yummy but lacked a certain spice. Gotta remember to cater it more to our taste buds the next time I cook it.

My tiramisu however was a failure. Turned out too soggy even though it was kinda tasty but visually, I wouldn't even pay myself to eat it. Haha. Gotta redo it and substitute the ingredients with something cheaper. The mascarpone cheese cost $12+ for a 500g!

Last night, I got knocked out after an alcohol binge. Puked my guts out and stumbled into bed, somehow.

Had a good time with seng though. It has been a long time since we hung out, must go out with him more often. Too much work stress.

Just woke up by the way and realised that the day is ending! Argh..alcohol bad! My tolerance for it has dropped really dramatically since those crazy days years ago. Haha.

gonna eat some pacific internet staff for lunch if nobody offers to help me solve my problem. grr.

Been wanting to comment on the current political situation in the US and how Bush for the next four years will affect our situation over here in Singapore. While I'm no political pundit, I can only offer questions for us to ponder about and perhaps deduce the trend of things in the near future. And the next few years would be crucial for it will be my generation's entrance into the work force and issues such as oil prices, continued war, free trade agreements and jobs will affect us more than we think they will.

Do we still need Bush for another four more years? What changes will he bring this time round to his administration and foreign affairs. I do gather that Senator Kerry perhaps, have a better understanding of foreign policies and will probably try to stop or lessen US's war tendencies. Bush on the other hand, will continue trading punches for yet another few rounds, and how will this affect us in sunny Singapore and youths like me? How will continued rising oil prices affect the trade industry here, oil refinering being one of our nation's key growth generators? And petrol prices?

Another effect of President Bush's last term was the declining US greenback against major currencies. Which has led to a stronger Sing Dollar versus the US dollar. As the Malaysian ringgit is pegged against the US dollar, it would be a good time to visit our neighbour and boost their economy by getting more for our buck. However, a weakening US dollar will not forebode well for many portfolios with interests in America. Besides personal finance, we would see cheaper US imports but the debt accumulated by the Americans might put us off from acquiring more US assets in the near future (yet it might just be the best time as prices are low). We will have to see what the new Bush Administration might pull off and how it will affect our trading ties. The war has perhaps led to more budget deficit than Bush had foresaw.

Bush for four more years would probably equate to a continued war effort, leading to slumps in the economy, more jobs being outsourced (due to his more open foreign trade policy), more conservative American culture and perhaps more threats from the radical Islamists?

On a personal note, I felt that the resurface of Osama dressed in a cleric dress was a rather strategic and controversial move. Why would he? The tape probably swayed more Americans towards Bush and his protectionalism. Maybe the CIA had some part in this? Or did Osama like Bush more than Kerry?

Shrugs. That's all for my limited political view on current affairs, it's been too long since I wrote a proper essay on such issues. Ah, I miss those days.

Don't know how many times I've to take my driving test. Failed again yesterday after meeting an anal tester. My instructor was so confident I'm gonna pass, at least he managed to get me a test date next month. If not I have to wait till the day after my birthday next year!

On another note, I got my first print assignment in this month's Expat Living Singapore on page 85. =) I need more jobs. Haha.

Been experiencing countless problems with my net connection. Super irritating!

Happy Halloween, dear readers.

Currently stuck in camp slacking away. Watched Sex is Zero in the morning and Infernal Affairs III after lunch. So far so good, hope this week is better than the one that just passed. Nowadays, everybody's got low morale due to the top management. Sigh.

Have been thinking of foraying into the realm of polaroid emulsion prints the last few weeks. Maybe I'll save up some cash to get a cheap medium format camera and a polaroid processor. I like the paintery effects that come up, they make great gift ideas. Haha. Not really satisfied with my digital camera because I feel that it lacks soul and even though I get to see my pictures instantly, I don't find myself questioning how I can take a particular subject in a different angle.

Shrugs. Hope my off on both Thursday and Friday is approved. Have some places I wanna visit for some shots and probably ask a few old friends out for coffee, you guys know who you are. =)

Friday, I watched Sky Captain and promptly fell asleep during the dinosaur chase. When I woke up, I watched the last five minutes and left the theatre wondering what happened. I liked the graphics though.

And I got conned into visiting yet another MLM chain. No doubt the people there all drive BMWs and the lesser ones drive some popular car but I have no interest whatsoever regarding schemes like this. Donald Trump said, "If you believe in your product, you can sell it anywhere!" And that's the mantra I've been adopting. MLM? No way man. It's only the attractive scheme that drives the greed within us, not the excellent products the company's salespeople tout.

Saturday, I watched Wong Kar Wai's In the Mood For Love. This time round, I did not fall asleep and enjoyed it. Love all the jazzy music playing in the background.

And my driving's finally gotten somewhere. My instructor told me, if I had driven like I had these past two days, I should have passed the other time. Haha. No more giving up man.

Come to think of it, I really did grow much this year, in terms of maturity et cetra and it all came not from successes but failures I have endured. So maybe it's not so bad to fail after all. The success after is so much sweeter.

Back to camp. Tomorrow I'm fetching a guy who has been in civil custody as long as it would take someone to finish NS. Another problematic kid to add to my platoon. And I'm the only NSF so far who has shown potential as a capable platoon sergeant! Argh, right when everyone else is starting to slack...One of the regulars told me the other day that I have the aptitude to be a regular but not the attitude. He even added that I do stuff better than many so-called regulars and he, sometimes, doesn't even want to compare to me cos he's afraid he might not measure up.

At least I'm flattered. Haha.

So far this week, it has been conflicts and more conflicts.

At work, I'm faced with the dilemma of letting go; of joining the majority and counting down our days or riding the moral high horse; being a strict disciplinarian and continue on performing my duties and responsiblities.

At home, I'm faced with a family disease that's ripping everyone apart.

It hurts.

Here are some photos I took yesterday. I sort of gave up after the first theme cos I ran out of creative juice. Found many places where photographs can be taken. Nevertheless, I had fun. Realised that I have got limited vision and not enough eye for details; thus, I shall be reading more of the masters' works and learning from them.









Not entirely satisfied at all. Oh well. More learning ahead!

I didn't win any prizes yesterday but not really disappointed. Found the themes hard to interpret; it wasn't easy coming up with an unique perspective or picture no a topic with 360 contestants brainstorming on the similar topic. Will be posting my pictures soon. Gonna rest first, mentally, physically and emotionally drained. Ord draws closer. Five months and 5 days left. Sweet...

Tomorrow I'm going for Canon's Photomarathon! Been waiting for it the whole week. So sleepy now though..gonna turn in soon to replenish my rest. Too tired after guard duty yesterday. Yawn.

The prizes for the competition are extremely alluring; especially for the overall champion. Man. Imagine: a Canon 20D (& lens), G5 IMac, 20GB IPod, Airport Express...Phew!!!

Not aiming to win anything but to experience something new tomorrow but if I do, I must be really lucky. =)

Noticed that many came here to look for pictures of dead flowers due to the previous title. Here's something for you lost visitors.



Enjoy.

On Wednesday, one of my men's grandmother passed away. Last night, under the cloak of darkness I slipped out of camp early to travel all the way east to attend the wake. I do hope her death does not make him neglect his work ethics because he is a good worker when under control and a nice friend to have during off-hours. Having taken the added responsibility of platoon sergeant has made my position more precarious than ever before. I tread a fine balance between being a superior and a friend/confidante to them. I am supposed to be aware of their problems and all but if I still need to maintain their basic discipline which if overdone, will lead them to isolate themselves from me and not communicate anymore.

It's hard man. When you have men that: are single parents, have families who owe loan shark money, are totally uncooperative, planning to downgrade and escaping all the training. Argh. It frustrates me more than anything else.

And my condolences to Chris and his family. Will try my best to help him settle his family problems.

I am home enjoying a little Saturday morning solitude. The air is crisp after the rain and Radiohead doesn't sound any better on days like this.

Choices for today:
1) Stay home (relax, game a little, tweak with my comp)
2) Go out with my camera and meet up with some old friends
3) Whatever comes along!

I think I'll stick with option 3. Am weedling myself out of the set-direction mindset. A dose of spontaneity makes life more interesting! (hmm..still have cw's 25 hours tempting me)

Days change to nights and when we awake, the world seems slightly different, the air fresher and people nicer. Maybe then, maybe then, we will embrace living. The darkness of the nights before end, tidal waves of being at peace course through your body. We will become better people someday; today, just today, let me be who I am and I'll be happy.

a toast to life

a moment of clarity in a time of bleakness

cheers to my misery

cheers to my family

cheers to me

I am looking at the aspects of perhaps a self-funded university education at the moment due to some fucked up parenting.

I am stewing and getting depressed.

I'm stuck:
1. i can immediately enter the workforce (a-levels is shit)
2. work and study at the same time to fund my studies (what can i do? how much do i need?)
3. should have signed on if i had foreseen this (too late, army too sucky)

I dunno. I need to dwell into the shadows again.

And stop screaming at the parental units if I see them again later.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be happy. Perhaps. I'll escape somehow.

please do comment on my pictures..just click on the link at the bottom of the post. Sleeping? Or x globins got chewed (if someone already did). Love to hear comments on the pics. Gotta go sleep soon, have to sneak back to camp early tomorrow morning. lol.

Really glad I could come home today. Rushed down to capture some shots of kids and their parents enjoying the Mid Autumn Festival. Really happy I was actually present. Found it hard to work with a tripod with flash as I didn't want to alert them playing. Most of the parents were happy to let me into their midst. Presenting my fave shot of all.


Carefully Lighting Our Candles

Cheated a bit on this one cos I cropped the picture. The rest that I uploaded can be found here.

Overall, glad I had an experience like this. Digital means no worries about film. Some pics I took over 5 to get the proper frame. But did not like the lag I got after taking a picture. And of course, the slight blur found in some pictures(used AF). A tripod was cumbersome as I missed several moments when I had to adjust to the correct height and angle etc. Still, I'm as happy as a lark.

Oxymoron of the day: Afganistan Elections

I'm a displaced personnel! This is last week's rant. As you may not know, I've been currently "promoted" due to the leaving of my predecessor last Thursday. However, the succession of duties and responsibilities started months ago, shortly after my Brunei trip. Even then, I was poised to take over his seat. And since then, I've been running my platoon and given more powers/responsiblities/shit by my boss (on top of my other appointments).

When we first came after our course, I felt estranged from the rest because they could be split into 2 distinct groups (which went through a period of heated arguments due to work responsibilites) while I languished in the little corner of mine, doing my own work. After Brunei, things changed for the better as both sides recouncilled while I was slowly groomed for my eventual taking over. [Sounds like the recent change of PM..lol] And I drifted more as I was given more power.

Since last week, I shifted office due to big boss's directions and I felt even more alone. The more senior ones complained that it was unfair I got the air-con room, my friends made jokes about my new-gained title and my men resent me for being a pain in the ass. I mean, I can't please everybody! I'm just doing my job and following commands. I was rather hurt when a friend of mine said, "See la, now PS liao. Big already!" I didn't ask for this title, it was just de facto that things turned out this way.

So please, please don't ignore me. I'm still the same person, I've got more shit then you. And I'm trying my best to handle things as they come. Don't you realise I can't even clear my leave/off as much as everyone of you? Sigh. At least I don't hate my job. The end is near, the end is near - five more months and twenty odd days.

Time flies and I grew up a lot. I am going to write a little chronicle on all my lessons learnt at the end of this. Right from the tearful beginning to the hardened callus I am now. I feel that I gleamed a lot of life lessons from all of this.

-End of Rant-

Back to camp. See ya next week.

No kids sighted playing with lanterns this evening. Tomorrow they'll come out full-fledged. Unfortunately I wont be around to capture anything. Gotta go pack my bags and head back to incarceration.

Japanese Figurine - probably a relic of my parent's honeymoon in Japan decades ago.

Went out with my mom this morning and snapped this pics with my new camera! Click to enlarge.


The hand that brought me up


Traditional Chinese Lantern

Image quality compromised due to hosting service. At least it's free! I love the juxataposition of the bright red and blue.

I just spent $1k + on a prosumer.

Feels surreal but the battery is being charged now. So maybe it's real - that I finally joined the digital front. I'm such an old fogey. Haha.

Bought a Panasonic Lumix FZ20 in matte black. So chic. =)

Can't wait to test it like tomorrow. Or maybe later. Will be posting soon!

(Next stop: new computer!!!)

cw: " know there's something wrong when i begin to think that 5k is a short distance to run and 10k is actually fun."

We've all turned into running machines. Just did 13km on myself on Tuesday because of my guard on Friday (couldn't go for the 10km run on Sat) Unfortunately for us, we cannot take part in next week's half-marathon! I was looking forward so much to it...And it's weird how I managed to psycho myself during the run...

Come on...5 more clicks only.. look here, run to the end, make a turn and it'll be 1 1/2 rounds more...Look at that slob, overtake him!!!

I think talking to myself in my head during runs is not very normal. People would just go, "I give up!" And start walking. My poor knees!

Yes..finally I'm back...XP runs smoothly albeit a little slow on my ancient relic. At least I'm back. Can't run some intensive programs though, due to the little amount of ram I have. Sigh. Some programs these days are really over the top with the graphical interface and all. Slows things down. I love my stuff to run fast and lite.

Things to do:
1. Install all my favourite programs
2. Reinstate my song collection
3. Redo my bookmarks list
4. Increase ram!!

Off to tinker!

Damn. Think I shall not reformat my computer now. Having troubles backing up my files. Maybe I should have bought the thumbdrive the other time when I visited Sim Lim. Haha.

For now, I shall just live with this horrible derelict of time as it is...It's always sad to see something cherished gets buried in the sands of time. A computer has become such an extension of a person - his personality, his works, his office files, his photographs..It would be such a tragedy if a virus wipes up everything in a hard drive! Man...

Head over to pizzadadonato.com.sg to see what I have been up to. Heh. Having problems with the simple cgi script though. Argh.

Anyway, gonna reformat my computer now..don't know if this old system can handle xp but I'm gonna try anyway. If it doesn't I'm seriously screwed cos I've got no portable backup except for some files I sent using yahoo mail. Sigh.

Purge.

Another break from work but somehow, it always doesn't feel enough. What will happen next time when we're all out in the working world, where we work non-stop? And weekends that are only a brief respite?! Man. That feeling sucks. Anyway, I wasn't born to sit down and relax. I am a self-confessed workaholic. Pathetic.

So this weekend, I'll try to finish up my current project and everyone will get to see it! Unfortunately, the boss disagrees with me on certain design aspects but I got to cater to his taste (even if it makes things look ugly). He's paying me. No wonder designers hate their jobs if clients do not like the work shown and make changes that are totally awful. All the creative energy gone to waste. Sigh.

Still curious about how people feel about my title graphics...any comments?

Been starting on a thinking-out-of-the-box reading program lately. Current book I'm reading now is Guy Kawasaki's Rules for Revolutionaries. Oxymoronic as the title sounds, it's actually quite a no-nonsense, straightforward book. Well, in some cases, most critics would probably say that he's citing the obvious. Well, I beg to differ..if not for self-help books like this, who's gonna help out a clueless guy like me who absolutely hates the idea of a teacher or someone overlooking my shoulder? haha.

story below has no meaning or whatsoever. it'll probably leave some scratching their heads and wondering, what the hell was that? i apologise for i'm completely bored and just got off a staring-at-ceilings routine.

anyway, been looking at laptops and such and i'm so enthralled by the ibook. just bidding my time and see if this phase would run its course. if it doesn't then i'm so getting an ibook. lol. ah..the sleek lines!

so right now, my to-get list includes a Nikon D70 (complete with flash and stuff) and an IBook (with all the software i love). This would set my bank account by $6000, which in my opinion is a little too much to swallow. So I'm dreaming the Singaporean dream, to strike 4D or Toto; which I think is very sad...Had a little debacle the other day about this issue, how the American Dream is to be able to achieve anything one dreams of, being a popstar, millionaire, political figure etc; while the Singaporean Dream is to strike lottery every week. Tsk.

(Any special number to buy this weekend?)

He sat at the work desk, staring at the fluoroscent lights above him. It felt a little familiar: that strange calming feeling within.

Ceilings.

He had been looking at different ceilings lately; thatched zinc roof with huge metal beams, ordinary pastel-coloured ceilings with white fluoroscent lights, the top of a tent with mosquitoes buzzing around. It gave him a slight sensation of vertigo and he would stop staring for a while. But the weird compelling urge always came back. Why was he so in thrall with staring at things above him?

Perhaps the slow movement of time forced him to go into distant lands in his mind; to places and times he had missed while growing up too fast. And the most comfortable position was to have his head tilted back, finding a spot on the sofa, hard bench, office chair or plastic seat he was currently resting upon. Dreams and fears would flood his overactive brain, spilling into his life as unfounded optimisim and pessimism. Those feelings of euphoria and dread; apropos of nothing; strained his boring existence. And then he would stare hard at nothing and stopped whenever nausea took over.

Sometimes, he would occupy his time with some reading materials, to distract the buzz in his head, to silence the voices that made him cry. Reading actually worsened his condition, causing him to lurch further into his subconscious, guilt and regret often manifesting in anger towards himself. Could I have..? I should have.. were often repeated endlessly in the void. And he would lash out at people, screaming, hurting and clawing. How could reading hurt anybody?

Coffee and cigarettes were elixirs to him. Poisonous as they were, they created a chemically induced pseudo-paradise within him; where rules did not matter and pigs flew. He would smile and bounce around, postively reacting to any trouble that would have angered him if he had been staring at the ceilings. The acts of drinking or smoking made him calmer around people, while his hands jittered with the effects of the drugs. Two hours later, the chemicals would wear off and he would fall - drop deeper into the hole he thought he had crawled out of. And he would sob in a corner, wondering when things would be better.

When designing commercial web sites, we are bound to come across the conundrum of backward compatibility. When it's only the designer and his up-to-date viewers, the designer can afford to use the latest software, screen resolutions of at least 1024 by 768 and unconventional rules of typography, colors and images. However, a commercial site has to accomodate a diverse group of viewers, including people still stuck with technology 5 years old or older. As such, we are faced with the difficulty of compromising, of squeezing things into a 640x480 screen and limiting the images we use; which limits the space in which to express the artist/designer's works. Extra care has to be taken because of this small group of people who are unable to utilise the latest in browser-software or have the newest hardware to display millions of colors.

Should we foresake the minority and design for the majority? Or should we let them have cake and eat it too? I feel that we shouldn't care so much about people who have yet to keep up with times, since most of the time they wouldn't be the target audience of my sites. Designing for the target audience would most likely be the way things should go.

I'm finally on leave and have a super long weekend! However, time flies by really quickly, I've got so many things to do. Been running around trying to settle stuff here and there. Thanks to the new PM, we'll be getting a 5-day week commencing on 1st September. Anyway, next week I'll be stuck at Army Open House and I'll have another super long weekend coming up after that. =) Looking forward to it. Gotta go catch up with my friends and all. How often do I get breaks like this?

Notice...

1. the random header graphic, in a total number of 4 styles! (keep refreshing to see all of them! and comments please!)

2. the totally uninitiated layout, that is reminiscent of the old style (need somebody to teach me how to do those nifty title based entries)

3. nothing much else

4. in life, you need to slow down a bit sometimes and reevaluate everything around you: goals, reality, dreams and people close to you. then you take a step back, breathe and re-enter as someone better. =)

I'm obsolete..no longer keeping up with the latest developments in the electronic world. The pace at how things go make any skills obtained half a year ago seem archaic now. And I'm still stuck in a world, circa 2001. Should I keep up with the times? (Need to get a new computer first)

Recently gained a slightly different outlook on life. Hope it's for the better. Learn meditation. It's good.

My stomach is cramping up like a girl!!! Pain...

New layout! Excuse me while I tweak the settings....

Been helping out with this Saturday's National Day Parade Preview. We are forced to KFC for lunch and dinner, which has obviously done bad things to my diet. (Super Size Me!) Swear am not gonna go into a fast food restaurant till I get detoxified. And while the rest of my mates are in camp preparing for Arny Open House, I'm out...haha. Sometimes, I just feel lucky. =)

(back to nursing my sun burns..)

School starts for a lot of people tomorrow while it's just another dreary monday for people like me. Enjoy school and all the joys, jubilations and heartbreaks it brings. How I miss school (just not lab sessions anymore..please...)

Back to the hell hole I call camp. It's not that bad, it's just very bad!

Time for a site revamp. Have several ideas floating. Check back soon.

My life feels like a movie sometimes.

Have to head back to work soon. So dreading it. Wont be getting much sleep this week...gonna be up as guard comdr for 2 days and nights. Sigh.
 
I wonder if depression/melancholy/sadness makes a person more open to his inner world? Or is it the stuff that he writes touches someone else more. It always seem that after a bout of shutting out the world, lying on my bed staring blankly at the ceiling, I would come back with a string of words that I sometimes doubt is mine.
 
I woke up early to take photos today. Someday, I must have the courage to ask people whether I can take their picture. If not, I'll be forever taking boring pics. Maybe it's not feasible to work as a photographer next year but still...it would be cool, if it's only a dream. I don't want to be thrown the wet blanket everytime I mention something idealistic. I'm too jaded in other things as it is.
 
p.s I've borrowed a guitar and I'm on the way to Santana-heaven. lol. can't even string a few decent sound chords!

I am outraged today because I had my picture taken without permission by two gays on the train. GAYS! And they weren't trying very hard to be inconspicuous! Argh. The feeling to see the handphone camera pointed at you; albeit trying to belie that fact that it was in fact capturing your image; and the satisfied faces on the perpetrators' faces thereafter!!! I've joined the ranks of hapless victims of sex crimes. (yeah, I know I'm over-reacting...but..)
 
And it doesn't help to be told that a lot of gays/effeminate males have been checking  me out the whole day. 
 
*shrugs*
 
I guess I'm just homophobic.

Am I the only one in the family that remembers everybody's birthday. Reminded my dad whilst in his car that today's my bro's birthday. And it seems that my mom has got other plans lined up in the morning. Sigh. It's more like a house of strangers than anything else. Everybody's hardly home at all. Good if I desire peace and quiet but...there's like no closeness at all. Drifting apart, that's what it is.

Today I slept like I have not slept for ages. Well, at least for the past two weeks that is. Can't believe how much work we have to do - meaningless stuff in the end to make the boss look good if someone on top happens to drop by and do a check.
 
Keane is such a cool band.
 
Seriously, my mind is so dull these days...boring, I say. And I can't seem to dig into Name of the Rose at the moment. Have been shamelessly reading all the gossip columns in Eight Days and Life. lol. Oh well..this fad will pass by in time.

Finally, we've stand-down from 2NTM duties for now. Didn't go for nights off because I was left in a lurch and I decided to save my money instead. Anyway, I've got chee wei (who's the cos) to accompany me. lol.

We watched Franz Ferdinand's Take Me Out last night on the computer. We're are so inept at stealth movement, we probably be caught if we were real life burglars. lol.

And I am so not a guitar player. Sigh. I'm music illiterate!!!

I showed boss the project that I embarked on last week - a database of all the equipment and items in our holding. I can generate a report rather easily but Access 97 is such a horrible program. Haha. However, him being the prehistoric dinosaur, found the generated report pleasing to the eye. =) [just got hit by another homing missile..gotta scurry off to finish the work for him later]

This stand-by has been quite relaxed. OC's busy with his posting out and last minute orders from the bigger boss (who's also posting out). So not as many turn-outs as the other time. However, I got charged (because of the anal bitch up, up there) but OC decided to mitigate my sentence and gave me SOL (stoppages of leave) for this week. Ain't that bad, considering I can't book out anyway. Plus, I get to collect night snack when I report at night. Absurd but you know bureaucracy, full of bullshit and ass-covering. At least I have the support of my immediate superiors. Haha.

Euro finals tonight. Placed a small wager and crossing my fingers that I'll win. Feeling a little under the weather these few days...and I got nightmares about work. Sigh. Will be confined for next weekend cos we'll be defending the nation while everyone sleeps. Expect: anticipation before turn-outs, frenetic preparations tomorrow and time to read.

My brain feels fatigued at the moment. Wonder why.

Today, I cleared some old stuff from my drawers..I've got account statements from all the way back in Feb. And I couldn't resist reading through old letters, stuff people wrote to me and some I wrote to myself and never gave to the intended person(s). I am a sentimental fool. I have no heart to throw those away. One day in the future, I will...when a new chapter begins, the old one closes. I'll have to decide then, what to keep and what not to keep. Tough.

Back..back from my vacation and to the drudgery of work all over again. It never feels any easier, this cycle. One would probably be numb to it by now but it is just so hard.

Finished Oryx and Crake. Thoroughly enjoyed it, wish it had been longer. Had a dream last night that was in tandem with the plot of the story. Maybe I would create my own tale out of my dream. I overuse 'maybe'. It most probably means 'maybe not'.

seems that i've been in sort of a suspended motion mode ever since i got into the army. the motors are languishing at an abnormally slow pace, i'm biding my time, waiting. the inevitable release will be so filled with suppressed emotions and energy, i foresee myself burning out like a dying star. then again, this stint has definitely taught me a lot of things. i look at my ex-classmates and most of them are enjoying themselves, doing nothing much. (thought: armour is shit.) but i learn and i grow. maybe i've become stronger and more matured (multi-vit & b complex has definitely lifted me from hopeless oblivion of depression). and i still laugh like a mad person~ at least i feel and know that i'm capable of running several positions at one time, though more often than not, i'm griping and griping. haha.

Sometimes, it feels like watching a slow replay of a goal. The players running in slo-mo, eyes asunder, defenders lost, predatory feet of the aggressor gaining momentum. The leap; the header; and the jubilance of the crowd as the ball sails into the goal. A split-second moment recorded and played back ten times slower. Of course, one team is exalted and the other crashes into discordance. Maybe army life is like that...slow, deliberate and when the final moment arrives, everyone screams with joy. Some will fall by the side, those who are still in the game, sad and hoping the moment was theirs to enjoy. You win some, you lose some. Heads up, dude.

Maybe it's time to do some clearing up of my personal workspace, my online presence, my room and my getting-to-be overstuffed book cabinet. Nine more months left to the emergence of another phase of life, gotta get things reorganised. Patience is no virtue here, the future awaits! (And laziness is an aptitude that doesn't go away!)

Had a short meeting with my chums from class last night. We did a lot of talking and it doesn't help that many have passed their driving. Anyhow, got mine pushed back to August cos I wont be out during the test date in July. Argh! 8:25am isn't really the ideal time to pass the test.

Must remember to take my Vitamin B if not I'm gonna spiral back to mean ol' me with a penchance for biting people's heads off. And scaring almost everybody with my shouting and stressed out bits.

My dad seems alright now. Has sworn off cigarettes and promised to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Promising and I hope it lasts.

Off to Melaka today. Will be back on Tues and off to camp I'll go. Less than 200 work days away! lol.

As you grow up, you realise, among many things, that parents are no longer the invincible super heroes you thought they were.

Dad does not shed off his work clothes at the end of the day to swoop you away from the threatening cane of the evil English teacher (with bad permed hair). Mom does not work around the clock, ensuring you are tucked in and safe from the creatures lurking under your bed. Dad smokes a hell lot, lost a lot of hair, has grown a pot belly and is hardly home. Mom works 8 to 6 everyday, rushes home, does some cooking and collapses in front of the tv, silent and sleeping in an hour. Years went by, you grow older, you realise more bad habits of theirs, you hope not to turn out like them, you even revile them for going against your wishes.

And then, a day will come when you will finally come to your senses, they are your parents. They are weak and frail human beings like yourself. Now, you are protected by the invincible cloak of youth but as the years pass, you will be just like them - a writhing mass of carbon and water; plodding through life; still searching for the truth.

You must not neglect your parents. You must not neglect your roots. They are, after all, the sower and the seed of your (pitiful) life. You don't know how lucky you are.

Promise you'll hug your parents today?

One week off from work! No encik, no bastardly-high-ranking ass (e.g. Bde Cmdr) ruining my day, no men to disturb me, no reveille that I cannot wake up from, no cookhouse food!
Haven't exactly planned anything concrete save for the class outing on Sat. Definitely not gonna waste it bumming at home. Maybe when I'm really, really bored will I go do a new layout and think of ways to make this site more palatable.

(My encik thinks that I'm always getting into trouble with authorities. Haha. Seems that my anti-establishment streak has been rearing its ugly head too often in the hierarchical scheme of things.)

I think my muse eloped a few months back. Can't seem to say anything creative.

Spent the whole morning cutting and pasting things in excel. Took the whole afternoon off doing nothing. Tomorrow, Tekong beckons. It would be fun to ride there in our vehicles.

The heart palpitates. Palms, sweaty. Things seem too surreal and you look around, trying to fixate your attention on something that's not moving. Your head spins faster and faster, the ceiling and the floor merge into one, the walls become gaping holes of infinite blackness. Somehow, deep inside you, glows a glimmer of hope, a stabilising force. Things thrown out of balance slowly creep back to their original places. Then everything shifts. There is light somewhere.

Static.

Lying on the sofa you fell asleep on while watching an old rerun of Friends, you relish the smell of PVC. At least it seems normal. You watch as the credits of Days of Our Lives fade into darkness. You know where you are now, you're safe. For now.

I finally finished Cryptonomicon!!!

Today, a chorus of happiness and joy erupted over the whole nation because NS has been reduced to two years for the Dec '04 batch (and 2 months for mine!). So effectively, my ord date has been brought forward to March instead of May. Hahaha...Next comes the planning for the prelude to school et cetra.

I could draw a higher salary working outside than the little pittance I get here plus enjoy the 4 months before school. Wahaha.

Makes the upcoming prof test seem a little irrelevant in the whole scheme. Makes everything now irrelevant.

Read the official mindef story.

We don't have much to do now except get turned out at least twice a day and then we're off to our own devices. Managed to read quite a bit of Cyrptonomicon finally. Maybe one day I shall read a real boring book on cryptography and learn something. It's good for a paranoid soul like me. Long holiday after these two weeks. Wonder what I shall do...

Dad finally agreed to let me do a part time diploma online. Hmmm. Gonna do some research on that.

The Vanilla Coca Cola Thief!

My brother basically upsurped the entire carton of vanilla coke I bought! And I was intending to bring it back to camp today cos I have a ride back. Grr. And I left it in my room, so there was no reason that he thought it was for him. Thief! Thief! Argg!

Gonna be stuck in camp for the next 17 days or so. Half of it spent on Tekong for prof test once again. At least I'm gonna have a long break after that...Planning on what to do then. Maybe a short overseas trip.

My brain ain't working very well, thought blogger was down because I couldn't access blogster.com. Gee. After effects of shopping too much? Haha. Bought new scrabble set(to pass time in camp), 2 shoes, 1 t-shirt, 1 shirt, lotsa junk food (longan!), socks and underwear. =) All I need is a nice pair of jeans that don't cost $439 at G-Star! Yikes..

[God I sound like a girl!]

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Actually fell asleep halfway while playing PS2. But why do I still refuse to sleep? Does the impending knowledge that tomorrow brings with it, the stigma of returning to camp once more? Next few weeks gonna be rough, am expecting little of my weekends and of course, lots of work to do... This little solace I find in my own darkened room at midnight; this little time I have; I hope they never go away.

Sleep beckons still. Relentless in its pursuit.

My brain shuts down.

Quest for the Word...
is there a word to describe one's penchance for being sad which makes one slightly satisfied and happy (in a way)?

Peeps are finally having a gathering tonight after so long. Were supposed to come to a grill restaurant near my house but plans were changed yesterday to town. Too far..I can't stay out late tonight. Another day perhaps. Soon. I seem only to attend gatherings I organise, so perhaps I'll take some time out and organise for all the different groups of people I have not seen in a long time.

Melting Plastic

Had a terrible time yesterday trying to get the stupid laminating machine to work. Had a stack of 100-over pieces of paper that needed to be laminated. And everytime I fed the pouch through the machine, the whole plastic would melt and destroy my work! Had to go back to edit, print and cut up the paper all over again. Sigh.

Tomorrow I'm having duty. A long day in camp all alone. I'm lucky Wednesday's a holiday.

Chee Wei let me listen to Damien Rice's O yesterday and I borrowed it today. Can't get enough of it. Delicious stuff.

Gotta rush. Heading back to camp after shower.

Here's a sample of a t-shirt design that I just did. Haven't had time to add any thing else. Came up with the brand name in like 5 minutes. Will refine it the next time I've got time..

Will be taking orders if any one is interested though. =) Just mail me.

If you all were wondering what I do in the army...
http://home.no.net/magrenda/kim.htm
http://www.thedonovan.com/archives/000276.html

Yeah. I lead my men all over the place lugging that little weapon around.

Fear me.

Over the phone.

Me, "Ehrm, I would like to have tea and an iced milo with that."
Receptionist, "Ok. So will your iced milo be hot or cold?"
Me, "Cold please. Thank you."

Perky receptionists early in the morning doesn't go down well with my food.

Change, I believe, is a painful process. How then does a caterpillar metamorphose into a beautiful specimen if it has not gone through a pain-ridden stage in the chrysalis? New wings, old skin; to grow and to shed. Imagine if you had to grow a new pair of wings. Man, that would hurt. More paramount to us, however, is the internal changes we go through. The struggles we have to go through, that hurts too.

Change is pain.

Lousy week at work. Oh well.

Must stop lazing around but on second thought, what can you do in Singapore anyway? You visit the same shopping district you visited last week, you look at the same ubiquitous products in homogeneous stores, people everywhere look similar; then you go home after a meal at a fast-food joint/"italian" restaurant/ice-cream place/swanky cafe. Nothing really is different.

So where do I head next?

Even JB's not spared. Ah..the omnipresence of globalisation.

There seems to be something in the air these few days. Everybody doesn't seem to want to do anything at all. From the top level down to the ground level, things don't seem to be happening at all. And nobody really cares anyway. I wonder why.

Just hiding for a while now, waiting for lunch and sun set. At least once the boss leaves, we can basically do anything we want. Which includes watching tv, playing ps 2, reading or simply just staring at the ceiling. An existence that doesn't have much meaning.

Wonder why I haven't been able to wake up in the morning. Outfield with our vehicles = not much sleep...

Friday evening. In the COS office.

"I have to get men to clean the parade square. Why? There's mud on the standing board jump thing. Fuck the mud!" - chee wei, clearly very, very pissed off with things. haha.

"What dark side? I do not want to be part of your fucking dark side!" - chee wei, violent rejecting the welcome to my side of the world, albeit in the fashion I would have wanted him to.

"shut the fuck up la. you ch** b**!" - parry and i, at the same time, directed at the same asshole (ref. Arch-Nemesis).

And of course there's me toying around with the circuit box and causing our neightbours' lights to be completely snuffed out. Oops.

Blogger got clogged just now. Mildly irritated but I'm extremely happy that I can post once more. Has it become an addiction of sort?

Last night was the inaugural fight in the destress scheme I have been wanting to set up. The bout lasted about 10 minutes, rules were simple: no hitting the face and below the belt, no punching. Was more like wrestling then anything except that we had no prior training to that. I must say it was a good workout! Haha. Who could have thought ten minutes would be so physically demanding. And I often found myself trapped in a head-lock, unable to counter. No ego was deflated, no injuries were reported. All in all, I find it terribly fun. =) (now to go look for better holds and locks. haha)

Lost in Translation is a work that is subtle and really moving. Watched it last night with the peeps in the rest room and though it was hot like hell, we enjoyed ourselves. Weather's extremely horrible! THe show sent me off on thoughts that went along the lines of, "life is empty. so what really matters?" the images of the senseless fun in the club, at home and at the karaoke led me to think that i'm really too uptight for my own good. I have not let loose like that for a long time. However, clubbing is so mindless, so unhealthy and at the end of it, it really does make me feel emtpy, like bottle of vodka at the end of the night. What in life contributes meaning? What is the truth? Is the truth then objective or subjective? Questions. questions and answers that lead to more questions. Shrugs.

The weather's a bitch.

Spent the earlier part of this week having stomach problems. Sucks.

Today, there wasn't much to do, just additional tasks given to me. At the rate I'm reading Cryptonomicon, I'm gonna finish it soon.

There were moments of clarity that occurred to me sometimes. Sparks of poignancy that got sent over sms and quickly forgotten by me.

Anyway, it sucks to be hanging by a semi-colon in life. Everything's at a stand-still, the sentence does not continue further. I wait.

The truth. I'm always searching for the truth.

(nobody has anything to say about my pic? it's been a week already!)

new header! comments? comments?

feel better after 4 hours fiddling with photoshop. that wasn't the only thing i came up with though.

time to return to camp...=(

i don't know why but i have this feeling that everyone around me is sad at this precise moment. it may be mother's day after all but i don't really care.

i had planned to spend today at home, to catch up with my folks but they've abandoned me.

nobody's child. that was a title for one of the (thrashy) tabloid's article.

why can't i purge the urge (to do something as drastic as punching the wall)?

a heart of regret. for being selfish and needing my space. but i feel like exploding. and i do not want to mess up your walls.

something's wrong in the air i breathe; i feel like wringing somebody's neck; slamming some guy's face onto a table and smashing his jaw; i feel like screaming. something bothers me. my mind's reeling. my heart's locked up. i want to smell blood. not yours, of course. i'm sorry i'm hiding. i need to rein myself in.

i read your blog and a comment from someone you just met sent scary images in my head. i've not met him, i do not know the nature of the relationship but i want to beat the crap out of him. something claws deep within. i do not know what. frustrations, irritations, they're all the same; they just amalgamate into a single, murderous intent.

i'm messed up. and so are you. i tried to be nice, you know, like really nice.

now i'm not nice anymore.

I've got to be in camp by 0700hr tomorrow to take over duties from my friend. Good thing is that I had a great time in the evening and there wont be anyone left tomorrow. The whole Family's going down to Sentosa for some 'fun'. Two people had expressed interest in buying over my duty but nope - i'm not selling. Solitude tomorrow could do some good for me. Just hope the BOS ain't a prick.

Here's my temporary agenda:
0700 Reach Camp
0800 Take over armskote + COS | SOL to report
0900 Issue weapons for guard duty (GD)
0930 Make sure they clean weapons | Read Cryptonomicon
1030 Lunch for GD personnel
1100 Bring GD personnel to guard room
1105 Read book/newspapers | Security check
1200 SOL report | Start PS 2 | H/O AS
1400 Break | Read | Walk around
1900 On lights | PS 2
2130 Staff Parade
2200 Send keys | Shower
2215 Lost In Translation
0030 Lights Off
- - -
Haha. You wouldn't even believe how slack I can be. But hey, that's what the weekend cos is for. Enjoying yourself while you can! No point ruminating over the poor fortune. =)

Watched Van Helsing on my night's off on Wednesday. Was an entertaining two hours in the theatre; a visual treat but lacking in the story department. Still, I managed to enjoy myself tremendously (I'm a werewolf fan) and I have this feeling this ain't the last time we're seeing Van Helsing. Pace of the movie was just right, there was never a dull moment but plenty of cheesy ones. My favourite scene was the vampiric opera house - opulence with a tinge of terror. Superb.

Caught 50 First Dates just now. Sweet, lovely film. Adam Sandler is always nice to have around to cheer you up on a blue day. Story's kinda captivating, it doesn't leave you hanging save for the ending, which I find rather improbable; then again, it won't hurt to have a happily-ever-after ending.

Hmmm, that's all for this week's movie review by yours truly. I could watch films forever and not live a life. Maybe not.

hello world, i failed. was darn sad half an hour after the test but i think i'm okay already.

"Young man, I think your eyesight got problem. You must be more alert, always look out for vehicles coming from your side when you making turn at t-junction and also pedestrians too. You want to make the tester help you pull the handbrake? That's an immediate failure already. Go take a retest date and come back again."

Well, at least he was kinda nice. Just gotta wait again. And I wouldn't be so unattentive the next time round. Circuit was a breeze though but the motorcycle that came out of nowhere when I was making the turn killed me. Oh well.

Thanks to all the well-wishes and consoling I received. =)

My blog can be found if you searched for it with my name. Thing is, I never mention my name anywhere! Hmm. And I've found someone with the same name as I, albeit one year younger.

Paranoid alarms flashes.

Hey, I don't even dare to throw my nail clippings anywhere, unless I was sure that no one will use them for black magic!

The day of reckoning is tomorrow! Ah. Bumped into dc's mom yesterday who fetched me in her car after driving. She offered some advice to pass the test - things you know but when the time arrives, you'd be too anxious to even remember to breathe. Argh. Gotta try and sleep early tonight. Encik did not allow me to stay home today because of the CO parade tomorrow. Damn sian.

My clothes have been left in the washing machine for 2 days! I forgot to take them out and they were only discovered by my bro just now. How nice to have mildew-smelling uniform to wear for the next week...

While out on Friday, while tucking into a plate of pasta, an Italian proverb popped into my mind, "A macaroni in a plate of linguine will be quickly eaten up." So never try and be someone you're not. =) Chocolate Bar's fondue is sinfully delicious. But the overly friendly manager gave me the creeps. Touched my back too often.

Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture!

Would you want to wake up as a different person?

Today, I met up with many friends when I attended the Armour Road Relay in the morning. (Our specialists team won, of course). There was Brendan, my biggest friend so far. He's really huge and just won the inter-formation shotput and discus competition yesterday. Haha. He's still as funny as ever but has slimmed down considerably. Man, really miss those days when we talked crap during training. And our friendly competitions at buffets, of which, I always finish last.

And there were all the school friends, bmt friends, sispec friends and friends that you have no idea how they got into your life.

I believe that my two email accounts have been hijacked and totally spammed. Help!!!

And my arch-nemesis never fails to irritate me at any given moment.
Him, with the exuberance of a seven-year-old girl, "Woo, woo. Go DSTA! Haha...it's so fun! Come on guys, let's cheer for them too!"
Me, wishing I could throw him into a pile of concertina wire. Parry agrees to that and we laugh.

One day, I'm just not gonna tolerate it anymore. Was thinking, all these tolerating, pride-swallowing and law-abiding will just cause us to implode one day. Too much internal pressure build-up. Can't we find some healthy and alternative way to relieve all the tension? (the Fight Club idea is terrific but has only one member to date - me)

My arch-nemesis enters the room.

Mumbles to J, "You know, this world is fucked up. Everything is fucked up."
J, "Yeah, yeah. You're saying this only because you're in a bad mood."
Arch-nemesis, "No...Look at yh. He's in the world to fuck everything up."
Me, "Uhuh. That's my job in this world, see? To make everything in this world fucked up. Including your life!"
Arch-nemesis, "See? See? That's what I mean!"

I smirk. I'm a rock star.

Anyway, check this cool animation out. Cute.

I swear I'm a movie addict. Managed to slack the whole day even though it has been a long time since we came back for work. Painted some walls and then I ended up rewatching Fight Club. Caught Run Lola Run yesterday before I went off to Johor. I like French movies. If I die, I'm gonna come back as a French director. Doesn't matter if I'm arrogant or stinky. =)

Hellboy was less than spectacular though. Nice visuals, kept to the comic but I like my comics more.

Tonight, I'll try to start my own fight club in bunk again. Was unsuccessful the other time cos no one wanted to play and they had not watched the movie yet. Letting out aggression, in a safe and controlled environment, will let us return to our hunter-gatherer nature; we can't just continue being brought up by women! (I know I'll regret saying this in the morning and wish I have a cool car)

Lawrence's going for his driving test tomorrow and will be a my turn next Mon. Hmm. I'm definitely broke cos of driving.

Was lazy, so in the end, gave Hellboy a miss.

Heading to Johor later. Had thought it would only be dad and I but now my mom wants to tag along. Currently rather angry with her but I'll try to be amicable. Kinda stoned out now. My digestive system is a parody of politics in Indonesia - damn super messed up!

mocoloco.com - something therapeutic about looking at great designs that you may never afford. However, you can always add items to the mental picture of your future house, complete with a new-age jukebox that can store 4000 MP3’s, 20 DVD movies, has an on-board computer and can play Flash animations.

My comp is such a dinosaur. Wanna replace it soon. Surprisingly, it has survived abuse since 1999! Need new software and hardware updates to stay in front. I'm a technogeek sometimes.

The uncle with the one-hand-ticket-tearing technique.

So there we were, before watching Kill Bill Vol. 2, waiting to enter the cinema. I handed my ticket over to the affable-looking uncle, who, with a slight twist of his fingers, tore my ticket into two. He smiled a smile only gurus possess.

During the show, I drew some similarities between the ticketing old man and the kung fu master, Pai Mei. Pai Mei had his five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique that would render a living man dead in 5 steps. And the uncle had his one-hand-ticket-tearing technique, honed over the years. Well, I bet that could kill someone or at least impress young punks like me.

Weird post. Too much caffeine. Off to watch Hellboy later. And I'm bloody broke, shelling out too much dough for my driving. Must pass! (Already dreaming of posing for pictures with first car, just like my dad's old pictures. lol.)

A one-thousand-word short story based loosely on a dream I had the night before. It's about a dream. It's about moving on with life. And most of all, it's about friendship, lost and renewed. Read and tell me what you think about it. (Did some rudimentary editing. There are still some quirks somewhere. And I need a better title for it...)

The Bus Ride that Lasts Forever

Gone are the nights when all you have is the company of a few older men; teaching you the way of life, sharing with you little nuggets of their own, smoking till our lungs turned black. there's nothing else to do but will away time, each moment a paiful wait as you pine for home, for love and for some char kway teow. Dare I say I miss those nights?

Maybe not.

I saw Orion in its full glory the other night. And a constellation, which I learnt later, Auriga. Canis minor was always visible. Stars always remind of a certain someone. I'm still glad that I'm home. Don't want time to pass so quickly now that I'm enjoying myself.

One year and a month away...waiting not so patiently. I need a vacation with the peeps.

There are days when everything just seem muted, the colours sapped out like using expired film.
There are days when you just feel like laughing madly at everything, cos you're having so much damn fun.
There are days when you spill coke on your friend's pants and everyone at the fast food chain sniggers (not so softly).

cw, i'm terribly sorry about the coke. you tried to be cool and nonchalent but the dark patch was just too glaring! haha. at least kill bill was fun. =)

There are nights when you feel that the world has moved on, leaving you behind.
There are nights when someone did a romantic gesture at the playground downstairs and all you can think is, "boy, how corny was that?"
There are nights when you miss your old friend, melancholy. (she's the pretty one sitting at the corner of you bed, much like death in sandman)

Some love fool had used those small candles to spell out I Love You, along with other candles leading to it, on the playground. All the fires were extinguished, save for one. And I counted 19 for I, 22 for the heart and 13 for U. What an inconsiderate guy though, left the mess behind for the poor cleaning auntie tomorrow. I'm so not romantic. Haha.

Must remember to renew passport before driving later.

Kill Bill Vol. 2 was a blast! Enjoyed it thoroughly, it was a terrific parody of kung fu movies of the past. The Pai Mei part was hilarious. Tarantino's use of clever cinematography; the inside jokes and the lameness of parts truly gave the show a personality unlike others. The plot twists and turns, I never quite expected anything. Haha. Not as much gore as the first one but it sure had style. =)

Four stars, I say. Watch it.

decided to do a new mast head. lazy for a complete makeover cos blogger isn't very flexible. spent about 2 hours toying around with the sketch i did yesterday. not very nice, i'm afraid. comments anyone?

gonna go watch kill bill vol. 2 with the peeps later! glorious gore!

late night entertainment for crude, empty souls

hilarious results.

here are some weird ones:
You are a penile cab driver who loves to megaFUCK toilets.
You are a punctual Nintendo64 who loves to climb ears.

(inexplicably trying to push back the automatic snooze button at 9pm, procured in Brunei cos dark comes swiftly)

back in my little bubble way after midnight, like how i used to like it. strangely, the strings of melancholy tug faintly in the distance. maybe i've grown out of it, maybe not. maybe i'm just happier for now, not much worries, all the anxieties stuffed away at the back of my head. ns taught me that. i'd have become too distraught a person and someone showed me the light. but what if she goes away one day? i would be sent plunging back into the dark pits i was raised in, back into the dangerous world, separated from my bubble. i never claimed that i was a good boy. evil's in my heart. (ask my arch-nemesis dom, haha. the next time he irritates me, i'm gonna try puking on his bed)

i've managed to isolate myself from many things in my life thus far. today, i probably rejected 3 invites to go clubbing. ain't got the cash, ain't got the health. i don't have enough hours for everyone else. maybe it's a fake bliss i live in but let me smile. i didn't use to smile a lot, now i do; somedays, that is.

just now i had the worst stomach pain in days. simply writhed in it just to coax some sympathy points. i'm such a histrion. perhaps i crave attention. ehrm, make that a definite statement. always been the neglected child, deemed independent enough, deemed strong enough. i'm not. i'm just a big facade.

somehow this post came out sounding like my old sad self. hi, haven't heard from you from awhile! cleared out around 150 songs from my mp3 lists. it's about time i left some of the past behind. how many times can you listen to old teen favourites? i've embarked on a new journey.

tomorrow, or rather, later today, i might be going to town with chee wei to catch kill bill vol. 2. i hope we don't get rejected at the ticket counter. i believe my mind is capable of conjuring images gorier and scarier than films that get R21 ratings. cos if any of my morbid thoughts were ever made into a film, i'd probably be tried at the court for causing rioting and anti-governmental sentiments. maybe not. i could always make a poignant short film. if i had the intensity to work that is.

Just watched 28 Days Later. Still reeling from all the graphic violence. Scary. Haha. Wondering what I'll be doing for the next few days of bliss and uninterrupted time. Hoping that time lasts longer but unfortunately, it just fleets by. Did some drawings in the morning. Maybe I would go on a photo trip tomorrow. It's been awhile..

Hey all. I returned from Brunei yesterday and boy, did I hate the time spent there. Time crawled at a snail's pace and how I wished I could come home. Tried to preserve my sanity and pushed myself on each time I felt like giving up. Char kway teow is a very good motivational tool. Haha. I even made up an A to Z list of things about Brunei that I hated during a long walk back to our log point during the navigation exercise. I was weak from fatigue as I only had biscuit and a packet of milo powder the whole day. Got till about O and I got stuck. Was often chased around by bees and hornets, must be something in human sweat that attracts them to us. Was stung by one on the first out field exercise. Totally unlucky. And we often had to deal with wet underwear (due to rain, sweat or river-crossing) but I'm glad nothing rotted. Haha.

The jungle descends into darkness rather quickly after six and you can't even see your own hand placed right in front of your face. The undulating terrain was tough to negotiate and the weather was a bitch; it was either blazing hot and humid or raining like it never rained before. But I'm glad we all made it through. The few times in camp was horrible too as there was nothing to do at all! Except get arrowed by my encik and running errands for him. Other than that, bonds were forged between the commanders and the men, and I was given more than a peek into my men's personalities and who I can depend on when the shit hits the fan.

And I became a celebrity in my company cos I lugged the stupid 84 (16.1kg) up and down Mt. Biang, across the terrain to complete our mission. If I had to do that kind of shit again, I would rather die. Training was tough, food was bad and I lost quite a few pounds I think. But all will be gained back by the end of this week, just cant resist all the tempting food back home.

Home is definitely the best place to be.

The whimsical spirit yearns to be summoned.

The depressive spirit hides in the dark corner, ready to pounce on any unsuspecting moment.

The dancing imp stays dormant for now is no time to show those moves.

The mad goblin awaits under the bed, schemes and pranks floating in his head.

The muse sits on the toilet bowl, cigarette in hand and taking a long smoke break.

* * *

Prose, I can't really write anymore. But weird stuff like the above can always be conjured from nowhere. hmm.

Damien Rice sings those songs that I like to listen to when I'm sad. But I haven't been in that kind of melancholic state when the creative juices just flow. Yet, I'm happy living an ignorant life, save for the days I wake up too early and I feel like fucking someone's morning by making them do push-ups.

chee wei's blog is definitely interesting. Go read but sadly, he has to leave with me to Brunei tonight too. So no posts till we come back. His online voice is not a reflection of the person he is in real life. So neither am I.

I'm a brute (when I'm off my computer, not writing or around girls).

Argh. Wanted to write something about indulgence in acts of sin: eating, drinking and sex. But somehow it came out sounding like a GP essay. It's been a long time since I wrote though. Anyway, spent the last few days leading quite a hedonistic lifestyle in anticipation of the 3-week long training in Brunei. Put on some weight which I inadvertedly will lose (I hope or I'm in trouble!). Actually I do feel like going on a jog but on second thoughts, maybe I won't. One thing for sure, indulgence, even in its total allure and pleasure, is only good in moderation. Discomforts felt after are just not worth it! Lost count of the amount of times I visited the loo.

I do miss those days that I wake up in the morning in my own house and have an unplanned agenda. Can't wait for this army stint to be over, once I come back, I would be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Haha. *rubs hands in glee and says, "my precious...."*

When I come back, I'd redo the decor of my room, think it's about time I took down the matrix cuttings and change the photograph I stuck on my wall. And also the layout of this pathetic site that I hardly seem to maintain. Would love to start an art project of sorts. Would see how inspiration hits me then. And after the off, will be stuck in camp for a long time cos of stand-by thus I do really need some projects to do, don't wanna waste all the time idling away.

Alright, will be flying off tonight at 2:30am. Till then, I'd enjoy all the comforts my house provides.

Sigh. Havent been able to write much lately. Not much to update anyway. Just slowly willing my time away, waiting for the day all this ends. At least I have someone accompanying me on this ardous journey.

Driving was horrible. Think I'm gonna fail when I get back from Brunei. I'm not a very safe driver, especially after the years of observing my dad drive around. Oh well.

Just bought The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. Can't wait to read. And I'm hooked on Hellboy! Haha. Got my advance pay yesterday so kinda itching to spend some cash. =)

Written last week. Not exactly prose, just chains of words flowing from the tip of my pen.

A machine churning nightmares in the dark.
Clank, clank, clank; it goes. Never stopping,
never feeling. For it is a concoction of fears.
Sleep comes and you hear the gears faintly
in the distance and then it revs up,
turning the sticky stupor of rest in to
a volcanic eruption of flaming screams.
Serenity and calmness of slumber become
pictures of doom.
In sleep, there is no rest.
In death, there is only eternity
of the clanking machine.

* * *

Papa used to say sunflowers bring the sunshine into Mama's eyes;
how he loved the way Mama's emerald green eyes sparkled like gems;
how she would smile like nothing in the world could make her sad.
I want to feel like that too, I want my own little piece of heaven like
Mama - she had Papa.

Last week was a horrible one in which training was strenuous and I had duty to serve on Saturday. This week was a wreck; spent the first few days sick but not that sick. Joined all the training with the rest. Mid-week was when I almost lost my life when one of the men wanted to stab me. We talked quite often but it was just that day, that moment when my anger took over me and my helmet flew at him (though not directly), causing him to go berserk. Too many troubles outside, he told me the day after the incident. He even managed to get about 10 other guys who wanted to pick a fight with me. Lesson learnt: curb my anger, watch my tongue and vengeance just leads to no where. Had to sign 3 extra duties though. *shrugs* At least I'm still walking around, not lying on a hospital bed somewhere. And my men are not heading to jail. An eye for an eye is not the way we should live our lives. (Then again sometimes instinct takes over)

Today, I clocked my fastest timing for SOC ever. Sadly, it ain't a test!

The new Nikon D70 is finally out! All the specificaqtion look better than Canon's Digital Rebel and image quality rivals that of the more expensive Nikon D100. Since the D70 uses the same system as D2H, albeit pared down a little, it's an affordable camera for serious enthusiasts like me. =) Unfortunately, prices are around USD$1299, which is a good USD$400 more than Canon Eos 300D. As a Nikon fan, I'm like totally lusting over it. lol. So who's got some spare cash for me? Heh.

Been in a semi-state of consciousness lately. My body's being pushed to the limits while my brain just sits in silence. Haven't read a single good article or book in weeks. I'm so dead. Had a bad dream about the overseas training in about a month's time, must have been the taxi driver's fault for scaring me last night.

Having conversations with taxi drivers can be really interesting and insightful. And you would always have a surprise when he mentions his previous line of work or any interests. I remember the ex-sales consultant who used to earn $12k/month, he told me several things abotu the future that I'm waiting to see if they come true. And last night's uncle had an obsession with fragrances and explosives. Claims to have 100+ bottles of perfumes/colognes/oils at home. When I went into the cab, he immediately picked up what fragrance I was wearing, which led to a rather interesting conversation thereafter. And my hokkien must be improving cos I understood everything he was saying. Hmm...I wonder why I can be such an extrovert in situations like this but remain completely quiet when placed with a group of extroverts. Socialising just ain't my forte. Yet some would see me as an extro. *shrugs* terribly confused.

Think I'm gonna draw some flak from some people with the statement I'm gonna make soon. Oh well, recently I've been kind of an Indian Chief; threatening to break all this discipline and rules placed upon me by parents/society/teachers and now, the SAF; booking in not at the stipulated timing, refusing to work, closing one eye (and sometimes both) when it comes to offences made by my men.

Anyway, time for some controversy!

Being a reader (voyeur!) of blogs made by fellow countrymen (and women), I have concluded the following (on a small, fixed generic population that is around my age):
1. Women are downright incomprehensible by the male brain. [depression, happiness and obsession with small cute things, weight losing, some males]
2. Some males read (and comment on) female friends and strangers blog by having delusions that they will somehow get into a relationship with them
3. Anyone who is or has someone stuck in the army just complains! Haha.
4. I have very dangerous delusions.
5. Mental image formed by reading a person's blog does not equate to a person's looks
6. Technologically-dependent and shy people continue dreaming of the internet as a source of meeting people from the opposite sex
7. This generalisation probably is about as true as my perspectives on things. Which are, unfortunately, false most of the time
8. Bloggers are narcissisitc and are actually introverts
9. Most of them sound like they suffer from depression (like yours truly) or lead really shitty lives (me again)
10. Actually, most of them are really fine IRL.

Should spark some flames I hope. If nobody except the same old people commenting, I'm seriously gonna be upset cos I love myself too much and this would mean I suck. Then I'll fall into a spiral of sadness and start languishing on weird, and depressing posts. There wouldn't be much meaning for me to live anymore because my thoughts do not matter at all!

Insecurity rejects, confidence attracts. Easy as that.

Random thoughts or preplanned?

Lies, deceit, debauchery. Illusions and imagined. Not a grain of truth.

Yet you can't even decipher between fact and fiction.

Don't start hating yourself again. Stop it. Stop it.

Uhuh. Whatever.

Avoidance isn't the solution. Bravery and cowardice are two sides of a coin. Stake your ground. Punch ya self.

Hard.

* * *

I've been indulging in self-conversations like the brief episode above in my thoughts book in camp. It's like letting your subconscious control what you write and perhaps a trained person (not neccessarily have to be one, high EQ too) would be able to make an analysis of that "junk" and come out with advice that would not be listened.

I've got a problem with learning, you see...

I'm just wondering what is happening to me lately. One day I'm full of energy, the next day I'm like a pile of pus, just oozing around. That night after a coffee, I went berserk. Went around the bunk wrestling with people, giving people wedgies, twisting some legs, kicking my neighbour's slippers and then I went silent with a masking tape on my mouth. I'm going nuts and my sense of humour is getting downright morbid. My self-esteem is at a low, I'm paranoid, I'm bash, I don't want to be where I am anymore. And I end up hurting people. Oh well.

This morning we had to wake up at ehrm 0410 for a fire drill. When I reached the parade square, I eyed my platoon ic and asked him, "Did those people in the third floor bunk burn to their deaths?". Even though I knew it was all a drill. On top of that, I've been well, striking some fear in a lot of people cos I'm just restless and bored.

And I'm just another vat of vinegar now. Oh yep, Happy Valentine's Day to all your Hallmark-saccharine-red roses love fools. I'm j-j-jaded now. I'm tired.

i'm dreaming of better times. i'm dreaming of freedom.

i'm dreaming of dreams; dreams that never end; dreams that never fear.

i am blind, blind to the beauty of this world. and i want out. somehow.

i've been pretty down lately. and it doesn't seem to end. i know those whispers aint true but i cant help thinking that they are. i'm too suceptible to my own fears.

i'm a grumpy old man already. i grumble at everything these days.

i need to stop.

somehow. it aint easy. life aint.

where's my story?

I shamelessly admitting that I am hooked on American Idol. Haha. Every Wednesday and Thursday night, I am stuck in front of the tv watching people sing (and some humiliate themselves). I don't know why I do it, is it because of the voyeuristic point of view? Or the build up of tension and intrigue by the producers? Since when have I been hooked on tv? haha.

Anyway I feel that the chinese were embarrassing. Oh well. But I love the civil engineering dude. Kudos to making a fool out of himself! Haha. They're even playing his version of she bangs on radio. Simply hilarious. =)

I have a bit of Simon in me. So ya..lol. But I am definitely tone deaf...can't sing for nuts. Rooting for the beat box champion from the Islands! And the jazz kid. Boy, can he sing. But don't think he'll win.

Bah..such a superficial post. Shrugs. Wanna go back school! SMU's kinda cool.

i haven't had a proper night of sleep since sunday. live firing, out field and duty; in that particular number of days.

i'm tired. i'm grumpy. i'm insecure.

as if anyone cared. i don't have much fun even when i get out of camp these days.

just realised i have got no one to ask out tonight. anyway, i'm too tired even if i wanted to.

stop reading me. stop reading my lame, pathetic complains about life.

Haven't had time to update these weeks cos my weekends were burnt by having range. Doesn't mean I haven't been indulging in writing - my form of escape from it all. Made up a conversation about a jar of thoights and a sex goddess of innocent beginnings. It got too meandering that I stopped after 4 pages...maybe I'll update it when the inspiration hits again. Have another story that I think is really cool...but shalln't reveal it yet. I've got grand plans for it.

Watched Moulin Rouge on dvd. Think Baz Lurhman is such a visionary. I wanna be a director! Haha. Got an interview this Friday at SMU. If I can get the double degree program, I'm so gonna become a banker. Lol.

Oh well. Going back soon. Out field for two days and two nights as enemy platoon sergeant. Argh. The mosquito bites! Till then...

Reaped quite a bit of profit during the few days of chinese new year. But I did not even do any visiting (except for one). No longer as excited as I were when I was a kid but the money's really good. lol. Gonna save it all up and watch my bank account grow. There's a certain camera waiting for me somewhere.

Does such clarity or rather, practicality come along with age? The lulls and happiness of yesteryears feel mediocre now. Somehow I wish to be a kid once more. Then again, anyone who claims to have a happy childhood is lying to himself. It's no one's fault really, just growing pains: discovering that the "perfect" world ain't so perfect after all. Where money don't come in red packets and presents don't come from Santa Claus but your parent's pockets. When playing is not a right but a privilege.

Ah..the sweet smell of melancholy.

Man, must be making up for the missing days of talking to myself on my blog. What is it with relatives who still have the old traditional thoughts of success? I'm up to here (points to throat) with my uncle coming every year to nag me to take medicine. Can earn a lot of money...next time then take management... Bah. My parents have the same notions too. Argh. Leave me alone, will ya? It's my life and I live it according to how I want. Just that I've not really thought of what to do yet.

Launchcast's Playing: Cocteau Twins - Beatrix

Had a horrible weekend feeding mosquitoes as ammo 2ic during our Platoon Live Firiing. Rained for the whole day and night, everyone was soaked. Feel sorry for all the troopers, section commanders and platoon commanders. Especially the safety officers and specs (who had to double as sect comms). And of course, I had to book out latest cos of the ammo shit. But it's okay. Not really bugged by all of that. Just that my little brain's playing up lately, causing me to sink for a while. Has it really been that long since I last felt thirsting for some alcohol swooshing in my body? Been wanting a drink these few days but have no real reason for one. Oh well. Maybe I lost my shadow along the way, hiding in my shell, waiting for it to come back. Else, I don't wish to speak to anyone about anything about myself.

Choose: a life where you constantly work harder to gain all the material goods you buy but never use; a life where you wonder where or when your next meal's coming but you bring to life, all the thoughts and inspiration either in words or pictures or music; a double life where monday to friday you fight for money and weekends off doing art and having fun with your kids and friends; a life where you slog eight to five, wake up drunk in a bar and go back to work and spend the weekend cruising television or the roads, getting high on cigarettes and booze; a life where fame and fortune comes like a meteor and you end it broken and dishevelled.

At the forefront on perhaps quarter of my life. I realise we live through much of it doing things we don't like. Gee.

Physically exhausting week just passed. Two ICCT (intermediate close-combat training) lessons, 1 IPPT session, 2 out-field (one involving me running around with a 8 kg signal set plus my men's 16.1 kg load), 1 running session (4km fast warm-up, 3 rounds of intervals and 2 rounds of sprinting up-slope) and not enough sleep. Ended up with me staying in the toilet yesterday 'cause of diarrhoea. Feel totally miserable...

But I bought 3 books for $10 yesterday! Haha. Sort of as reading material for the next few weeks and I got really good presents! Haha. I'm easy to shop for. =)

Today, I ran a red light. So am not a safe driver. Tsk. Wonder how I'm gonna pass.

Also reading a textbook on economics. A chapter every night before I sleep. Totally dry, reminds me of those nights when I had to revise for biology. Yawn.

Brain hasn't been pondering on the secrets of the universe lately. Not totally that bad because I'm less prone to depression. Wobbly-headed Bob sees the truth of the world; thus, he tries to convince everybody of how lousy things are, that's why thinking too much is bad. Read: Jhonen Vasquez - Squee Collection.

The new Grain magazine is out! Get your copy at MPH or any large bookstore that stocks lots of magazines. Don't bother searching in popular though. They're only good for cheap stationery. Heh. Waiting not so patiently for nikon to unveil their new D70 digital SLR. And then I'll decide if Canon EOS 300D is better. Can't wait...can't wait to go around snapping more photos. One day, I'm gonna have a personal exhibition. And a lomo wall too. Haha.

And thanks to the special somebody who bought me the mag! =)

Changed my comments thing...Can't think of anything funky to use it as a link though...Still a little stoned after the bottle of wine last night and the turkish smoking thingy..shisha? shashay? Haha.

And it's raining now, gonna go shopping later! Yeah! About time I say.

Wonders about the hedonistic life right now. Well, it's only the weekend that I'm like that. I sulk midway through the week in camp...Been rather busy and it's just going uphill. Can't wait for Christmas to arrive again. =)

A grandfather patiently blowing at a teaspoon of milo; his grandson squirming a little but opens his mouth and finishes it. The old man then takes another teaspoon and waits till it's not as hot anymore.

* * *

The mechanical horse grinds to the off-beat nursery rhyme as the little boy bobs up and down on the saddle. He smiles and laughs an innocent laugh at his father, who is standing beside the machine.

Three blind mice, three blind mice, see how they run...

The horse grinds to a halt, the boy looks up at the towering stature of his father, eyes beaming; wanting another ride. The father digs into his empty trouser pocket and smiles sheepishly. "Another day, son. You've had enough."

Tears start brimming those large, expansive eyes, "Papa...just one more? Just one more?!?" The dam walls start to crumble as the seconds pass.

"I'm sorry son. Another day, alright?" Saying this, the father picks his son up in those burly arms of his. The little one thrashes against his father and starts to brawl. Determined to bring the object of desire away, the father enters a crowd.

The little boy, through tear-clouded vision, stares at the gaudishly painted horse as it becomes smaller and smaller. He feels sad that his father has denied him another ride. He just wants another. A strand of hatred starts to form, one that will eventually be weaved into a complex tapestry of emotions and regret when the boy is older years from now.

The father sighs. It would have been the boy's tenth ride but bills lay unpaid at home. Softly, he whispered into the boy's hair, "One day, my boy, I'll take you on a real horse. I'm really sorry, please don't blame me."

With that, the duo disappears into the noon-time crowd as the sun beats relentlessly on those in its mercy.